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kassandras-one-braincell · 2 years

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I haven’t been able to stop thinking of a sitcom-style office AU featuring the AC ladies and a superb supporting cast, so I need to share:

Kassandra spends most of her time flirting with the pretty interns, getting next to no work done. But she’s invaluable when tough clients have meetings in the building and they need someone charismatic to diffuse any tricky situations, so they keep her around.

Alkibiades is the receptionist who has slept with many delivery couriers who drop off packages at the front desk. He can go from bitching about colleagues with Kassandra to a sickly sweet customer service voice on the end of a phone in a heartbeat.

Eivor gets all her paperwork done to an excellent standard, providing she doesn’t have to use spreadsheet software. She’s also the person in charge of fixing the staff room’s shitty coffee machine when it breaks every other weak. She is hiding two kittens in her desk, under the impression that nobody knows. Everyone knows.

Soma is in charge of the branch, and is a fantastic leader. Always professional. Except around Wigmund; there are no limits to how petty she can be in his vicinity, and her biting insults are always deserved because he’s homophobic.

Wigmund is only still there despite a multitude of HR violations because he’s all buddy-buddy with the CEO. Everyone hates him.

Ceolbert is there on work-experience. Everybody adores him and will fight to guarantee him a full-time placement should he wish to accept.

Phoibe is allowed to do her homework in the office after school because Kassandra is a very protective aunt and despises the school bus driver, so she drives her home after her shift finishes. She’s allowed to make paper planes out of discarded documents.

Barnabas retired recently, but Alkibiades still lets him into the office because he is a well-loved person. His banter is of the best quality, he always shows people pictures of his grandkids, and as part of the effort against Wigmund he likes to leave his glass eye in his coffee mug to freak him out.

Hytham is the office IT consultant who spends 90% of his time trying to teach Eivor how to use Microsoft Excel. He feeds the kittens in her desk when she is stuck in meetings. 100% has gained access to Wigmund’s browser history and shared it with everyone after he made an islamophobic comment.

Birna gives herself employee of the month certificates every month, even though that’s not a system the office has in place, because she deserves them. Soma has asked her to stop printing them in full colour because of the dent it makes to the office printing budget. Birna refuses to dampen her victory.

Ikaros is the office pet (unofficially, because the thought of the paperwork that would invoke makes Soma want to cry). Kassandra talks to him like she can understand him, and it concerns everybody in the building.

Synín breaks into the office frequently to torment Eivor. She eats her documents and pecks at the desk draw containing the kittens to try and rat them out. Eivor still feeds her though.

There is never a dull day in that office.

The branch has been banned from several team-building activity venues. Competitivity has many a time taken a swift turn down the route of “disorderly conduct” and “property damage” and “multiple violations of the law”.

Soma has a decently soundproof room in the office, so she can play music through speakers to keep her sane. But there was one occasion where she synced her Bluetooth to the wrong sound system, and the entire floor was forced to listen to her god-awful country music playlist for the better part of an hour. Nobody will let her live this down. She got a Billy Rae Cyrus fan shirt during Secret Santa (courtesy of Eivor).

When the computer software system the whole company uses got overhauled after new regulations were put in place, just after Eivor finished learning how to navigate the old system, she nearly had a breakdown. She picked up the kittens and took impromptu paid holiday, ignoring company policy. No one stopped her.

Ceolbert earned Kassandra’s immediate respect when he helped Phoibe with her maths homework, because, in her words, “fuck that nerd shit”. Ikaros also took an instantaneous liking to him at that moment. She tried teaching him how to flirt, but he’s too precious and couldn’t grasp it.

Hytham and Birna had a bet going on: which physical altercation would happen first? Would Soma finally lose her shit and punch Wigmund, or would Eivor punch a hole through her computer after getting frustrated with word processing software for the thousandth time? The result was...neither. Alkibiades bitch-slapped Kassandra after she jokingly called him a whore.

After hearing a complaint from the floor below over “loud desk chair skidding sounds across the corridor”, Soma didn’t even need to ask who it was. Eivor, Birna and Kassandra were all denied a homemade cookie that week.

Because of Wigmund’s connections to the top, and he’s a grade-A piece of shit, HR effectively ignores their branch. A maximum of three people would have their jobs otherwise, and Ceolbert isn’t even technically an employee.

Alkibiades has a code for when a particular client representative, who happens to be Kassandra’s rather bitter ex, enters the building. Kassandra has hidden in the cupboard under the staff room sink, under Eivor’s desk, behind the curtain in Soma’s office, and once in the ceiling vents.

Once, Kassandra was tasked with attending a meeting with this ex. “Kass, you’re needed the floor up. Odessa arrived ten minutes ago with—” “Tell them I died.” “I can’t tell her that you’re dead, what the fu—” But she’s already gone.

Ultimately they’re a very chaotic work family. But Barnabas always invites all - bar one, obviously - the family around to his house once a year for a barbecue, because family matters.

#sigurd and alexios aren't here because bleh #ac odyssey #ac valhalla #kassandra #eivor #soma jarlskona #kassandra of sparta #eivor varinsdóttir #modern au shenanigans #office au

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