#shut up shut up shut up im doing my goddamn best i know the data is shit i fucking wish it wasn't what the fuck do you mean new shit now
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Respectfully, this cannot be it.
#my stuff#im tired of work im tired of not really getting to relax im tired of my fucking relentless boss im tired of my efforts being insufficient#im tired of new shit getting piled on my plate every other day im tired of spending my existence just Getting Through The Week#im tired of the suffering in the world and my inconsequential ability to significantly alleviate it.#im just...tired.#i want to sleep for a long time and wake up only so i can decide to go back to sleep and thats fucked up to want#i just wanna finish my grad school applications so i can say they're done i'll be honest i don't have any fucking passion for a PhD#im just doing it because its the only route to make sure i have better opportunities than the stuff i deal with now#cause from what i've heard you very much do hit a ceiling in industry without a PhD#and i spent all weekend trying to find schools and write my personal statement and i did i have 3 places and at least a first draft of a PS#but now i need my sister to look over it and give her approval bc she's way better at writing than me and i can't find the time lately#so im stuck in limbo on that and i hate it and it makes me want to throw the whole pile of lies and asskissing away#the truth is i only care about stem cells because it's what i've already learned and worked with and it seems easier than other shit#if i didn't need a letter of rec from her i'd wish a heart attack on my boss with only a little guilt bc she is just impossible to satisfy#im trying. im trying so hard. the work isn't even inherently difficult but the process isn't working and im not being afforded the time to#try and fix it#like one of our machines is old as fuck and not working consistently. and it's necessary for all my data#so when it decides to be a clown it makes me look incompetent as fuck and my boss gets pissy with me#shut up shut up shut up im doing my goddamn best i know the data is shit i fucking wish it wasn't what the fuck do you mean new shit now#ah yes bc of course this is the ideal time to give me more stuff to worry about when im already struggling under what i have#may my boss' wifi be shit everywhere she goes. may all forms of transportation rebel to prevent her arrival in the workplace.#may all her best efforts come to naught as mine have#i was so excited to get my grad shit done today and relax that sure as fuck didn't happen#i wanted to sit down and finally read past like book 6 of tokyo ghoul as a halloween thing too#a bad day
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Make you see it
Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Fem! Reader
Summary: It wasn’t like her to stay in her room all day, it also wasn’t like her to shut everybody out, he knew better; he knew her better
Warnings: angst, death, depression, not feeling worthy of love, mentions of anxiety, injuries, blood, language .
Word count: 2.521
Today was the kind of day where you wake up feeling empty, that void in the chest that makes your heart clench and chest hurt. Might as well rip my goddamn heart out, if it helps me with this pain, the one that tells my mind that I will always be alone and miserable, the one that screams ‘im broken, can’t you see?’.
Today was the kind of day where someone could kill me and I'd say ‘thank you’, yeah, that's bad, I know. However, i have to try and push those feelings aside because i can’t have the luxury to let myself feel, because if i do, people get killed. Welcome to the life of an Avenger.
“Agent y/l/n, you’re requested in the conference room” the voice of the AI filled her dark room, given that the curtains were closed.
“Thanks FRIDAY, i will go in a bit” i responded to the AI. Like i was saying before, i don’t get to fall apart, if i do, others might get hurt because of it. I go to the bathroom to wash my face and change from my pajamas to something a little more presentable. I end up wearing a pair of black leggings and a grey shirt, accompanied with a cardigan of the same color of the legging; not my best choice but it’ll do. I start making my way to the conference room where I was summoned before. Once inside, the team started taking their seats, I sat in between Nat and Wanda. In front of me is Steve, to his right is Bucky and his left is Sam. Tony is standing in the front like always, Rhodes is and the other seat right across Tony, Clint is on Rhodes’ left and Banner is on his right. Vision is standing by the window while Thor was on asgard dealing with some pretty important stuff; his words, not mine.
“Well, now that everybody is here, let’s get this started. Earlier this week we received information that HYDRA was planning an attack on a facility that helds medical supplies in Amsterdam, however we needed to confirm that the data was correct, and thanks to the technology, we have confirmed that this information is indeed correct. So, now with this verified information, we know that they are going to strike on Thursday, which means that we have to leave today” Tony said to the team.
“Hold on, today? When?” Sam asked
“Um, in about…” Tony checks his watch, “two hours” he concludes.
“Well goddammit, I have to run!” Sam got up from his chair and ran to his room.
“Yeah, the falcon has to be up to date with his skincare routine” Rhodes joked and the team laughed, not me, I honestly wasn’t feeling like there was something to laugh about. I silently got up from my seat and headed to my room to pack some personal stuff that I was going to use for the next few days. Just when I was about to close the door, a foot was set, making it impossible to close it.
“Are you okay?” Bucky asked, his piercing blue eyes looking for mine. Oh god no, those eyes have the ability to tear me apart, and at the same time, they put me back together, and right about now, I feel like they can break me into a million pieces. I know myself, I know that I will fall apart any moment. On a day like this, when I wake up feeling like the failure that I am, I start to wonder, how can he love me? I am incapable of being loved, so I do the most logical thing that comes up first, I push people away.
“Nothing” I said, trying to get inside and leave him out. He pushes through and manages to get inside as well. Please leave, can’t you see I’m trying to save you?
“No, it’s not nothing, something is wrong” He insisted
“I said im fine, please Bucky, just-”
“No, I know you, I know something is wrong, please baby, don’t shut me out” his hand finds the sides of my face and i have to literally bite my tongue and fight the urge of leaning into his touch. I remind myself that I don't deserve him, his love, his touch, any of it. With my heart breaking in a million pieces, screaming at me to hold him close, my tongue itching to say what’s really wrong, but something else comes out.
“I don’t need you Barnes, so get the hell out of my room. Now”
There’s no need to look at his eyes to know that he is hurt, just feeling his hands leaving my face and him stepping away slowly from me is telling me all I need to know.
“Fine, suit yourself y/l/n. Don’t come knocking at my door to pull your pieces back together” and with that, he exits my dorm, closing the door loudly. When his footsteps are far enough I fall to my knees and the force of the habit makes my hand fly to my mouth to stop the sobs from coming out. God, why can’t I just let myself be happy? ‘Because you don’t deserve it, how could you? Just take a look in the mirror’. There it is again, that voice in my head that reminds me just how worthless I am. A glance at the clock takes me back to the matter at hand, so I wipe the tears from my face and get up to pack the things that I am going to need for this mission.
The ride in the quinjet was bittersweet. As always, I was with Nat and Wanda, and unlike other days, I isolated myself to the other seat, keeping my head down looking at my hands, playing with my fingers. The knot in my throat has not gone away since the discussion with Bucky, which was also not helping a lot with my anxiety, that was causing my leg to move up and down rapidly.
“We’re here” Clint informed the team as he was landing the jet.
Everyone grabbed the thing they were going to use to defend, protect and in the least of the cases, eliminate. I grabbed my two guns and stocked them into my thigh holsters, along with some knives. Once ready, I got down from the jet and started walking towards the building, looking for clues that tell me if HYDRA was here already. I didn’t have to look further when the sound of guns being fired, things exploding and metal clasing filled the environment. I sighed and then ran to the direction where the sounds were coming from and once I got there, I quickly engaged in the fight.
I spotted three men holding guns running towards a storage, I pushed my feet to run faster when I heard screams coming from it. I hid behind the door holding my gun in my hands, they were surrounding five people, civilians, if i moved and they noticed, they could easily shoot them, so i grabbed the rock that was by my feet and through it to the other side causing the men to look at the direction where the sound came from. I took advantage and started running to them. I shot one in the leg, causing him to drop to the ground along with the gun and hold his wound; I slid and quickly snapped his neck. Two more. For the second one I threw a knife right in the center of the neck; dropping dead. The third knew I was here and tried to shoot me, but I dodged the bullets, except for the last one that managed to brush the side of my arm, making me hiss at the pain. I ran to him and grabbed him by the neck pulling both of us to the floor, then, like I did with the first one, I snapped his neck. Just when I was about to leave the empty room, given the fact that the civilians ran the moment I entered the room, suddenly out of the blue, five more men appeared. Three came barging at me not giving me enough time to react, resulting in me getting punched in the face and ribs, leaving me aching and gasping for air. Two grabbed my arms with the intention of kepping me steady while they beat me, but I gathered enough strength to push both of them off of me, putting two bullets in their brains. Two down, three more to go. With the same gun I emptied the ammo on the two other men, wanting to make them suffer a bit before finishing them at the very last second. It was when I looked at the last one that I thought that maybe that wasn’t a good idea; the guy was huge, and after a very long day, fighting for a good forty-five minutes and my body aching from the beating, I started giving up. Plus, I didn't have any ammo left and my knives won’t do much. Weakly i started to get up in my feet , stumbling a bit causing the guy to laugh.
He was first to strike. I managed to avoid a few hits, but I missed the knife he pulled from somewhere and next thing I know, I felt a particular string in my abdomen and something drip from it.
Blood
I looked down to where the pain came and I could see my suit cut open, revealing a pretty deep titled cut. It was going to leave an ugly scar.
“Ups, did you get hurt?” The man mocked me. Give up, why keep fighting, just let him end this once and for all. I am tired, I don't want to fight anymore. I let out a sigh, dropping my knives to the ground, making the guy frown.
“Giving up already?” He laughed “Either way, I get to kill an avenger” he smiled and held the bloody knife up pointing it at me.
“Go for it…” I said almost inaudibly. This is it, this is where the pain ends. Feeling the little strength that I had left fading away I fell to my knees, still holding the wound of my abdomen, I looked at the guy in the eyes. Just when the knife was about to slice my throat, a gunshot echoes in the room and his body drops dead on the ground.
“Y/N!” I heard someone calling my name but I’m so tired that I end up dropping to the ground and I slowly start to fade away hearing voices in the background calling out my name and for me to stay awake. I feel the energy leave my body. There’s no pain, my chest and heart are numb, it’s gone…
Pain
That’s the first thing I feel as soon as I start to wake up, the second thing is a soft and very comfy structure underneath me; a bead.
I slowly sat up ignoring the pain that courses through my body when I do so.
“No, no, no” I mumbled to myself, not noticing that I am not the only one in the room.
“What were you thinking?” It’s the first thing Bucky says, his voice sounds a little rough, like he hasn’t talked in a while. I looked up at him and what I saw took my breath away in a fraction of a second. His eyes are red and puffy, and the reason why his voice sounded so rough; he had been crying.
“What were you thinking!” He repeats a little louder now causing me to look down. “You had the advantage, you had the training and your knives, you could’ve easily taken him down! Why didn’t you?” He asked, taking a few steps closer to my bed. Tears started to gather in my eyes.
“Are you crazy!? Do you know how scared I was? Do you want to die?” He asked again. I couldn’t look him in the eye and tell him that yes, that’s exactly what I wanted. But apparently, I didn’t needed to say it because he got it and stumbled back, like he lost his balance for a second.
“Oh god… you do?” He said almost in a whisper. “Baby, talk to me” he said, his voice breaking a little as he came forward to hug me right. I couldn’t do it anymore, not when the love of my miserable life is holding me so tight that the little pieces that were broken, are now glued together.
“I’m so sorry, I just-“ I broke down in his arms, sobbing in his chest. “I just can’t do it anymore, I wanted the pain to stop, I am not worthy of you, of being an avenger-“
“Baby stop-“
“I’m just a person who pretends day and night to be worthy when in reality is just a miserable, fucking pathetic failu-“
“STOP” he yelled, resulting in me shutting up. He held my face in his hands and lifted it so that our eyes were looking at each other.
“You are the most beautiful, gorgeous, worthy, selfless and brave woman I know. You are not a failure, you are the kind of person that puts others priorities above her own, you are the kind of person who would put her very own body in front of a gunman to stop him from hurting someone innocent, and if that isn’t someone worthy of love, then I don’t know what is. And last but not least, you are the love of my life, the woman I want to grow old with, the one I want to wake up to for what’s left of my life, and if there’s another life after this one, then I want you to be in it too, because believe me when I tell you, that there is no life if you are not in it” Bucky said, without skipping a bit and without hesitation.
“Bucky-“
“And if I have to tell you every day that I love you, just to remind you, I will, I’d do it for the rest of my life and the next until I make you see that you y/n y/l/n, are worth it” he added.
God how I love this man so fucking much.
“I love you” I said, lifting my hands to hold the sides of his face. “And I’m sorry, I promise that if I ever feel like this I will tell you” he sighed and looked down, “and I would love to wake up next to you for the rest of this life and the next” I concluded. He lifted his head with glassy eyes and smiled.
“Can I please kiss you?” He asked so low with a hint of desperation. I didn’t say anything and pulled him in for a kiss. Maybe there is something worth living for, and I’m sure as hell I won’t let my bad thoughts and mental breakdowns take that away from me. I will fight it, for me and for him. We broke the kiss but our foreheads stayed pressed against the other.
“I love you” he said
“I love you” I said back
#bucky barnes#avengers#hydra#bucky x reader#steve rogers#natasha romonova#tony stark#clint barton#fem! reader#angs
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masquerade ch.8
7? idk but this one isn’t on ff or ao3 yet i think
12:58 PM Nakiri Erina: Hi, it’s been a while. Are you free the day after tomorrow?
1:03 PM Yukihira Souma: how’d u get this #?
1:04 PM Nakiri Erina: Alice gave it to me.
1:04 PM Yukihira Souma: sup
1:05 PM Nakiri Erina: I’m opening Kiralyno Haza. It’s not like I want you to show up or anything.
message opened
1:37 PM Nakiri Erina: Hello?
2:40 PM Yukihira Souma: hey sorry i just got on break. congrats nakiri!
2:41 PM Nakiri Erina: It was expected.
2:41 PM Yukihira Souma: surprised it took you so long to open. hurry up and get your 3 stars bubs then we’ll really see who’s the better chef
2:41 PM Yukihira Souma: and did you get tired of shinomiya or did he get tired of you?
2:42 PM Nakiri Erina: I got tired of him. Duh. Are you not coming?
2:42 PM Yukihira Souma: save 4 seats for me. i’ll be a balloon by the time im done w your food also i hope you have enough ingredients for a shokugeki after
“Ugh. You’re as shit at texting as ever,” Erina groaned, throwing down her phone, but then she picked it up again to stare at those four particular characters. Bubs. God, it had been so long since she’d seen that in her messages.
(under the cut to see souma and erina start to get their shit together lol)
To think that she had been the one to break the radio silence between them — good lord, that was fucking annoying. It was weird to think about. There had been plenty of opportunities for them to talk again, and yet they’d somehow managed to evade each other since they’d run into each other at Nakiri Mansion. Whether this was coincidence she had no idea, but Souma hadn’t been at the official Totsuki-sponsored 92nd gen alumni reunion, and Shinomiya had dragged Erina to some culinary conference that made her miss the freshman training camp where Souma threatened the living shits out of the poor first years but ended up not cutting anybody from the roster.
Erina had done her best not to linger on the fact that she had had to ask Alice for Souma’s new number, but goddamn would that remain at the forefront of her mind for the week following Kiralyno Haza’s debut until she got frustrated enough to the point where she damn near chucked her own phone out the window.
It was thanks to Alice that her condo was still in one piece.
The COO of the Nakiri-Totsuki Group was sitting next to her at a bar in Budapest, helping herself to her third shot of tequila, a few empty glasses and a growing tab between them. “Yukihira’s coming?”
Erina nodded, smiling despite herself. “Yeah. I guess he is.”
Taking sudden interest in her drink, Alice remained silent for a thoughtful moment before she said, “I haven’t seen you this happy since you two broke up.”
With a half-hearted huff, Erina scoffed, “Yeah, right.”
Alice gave her a long look. “I’m not kidding, Erina. Who was that other guy you were seeing? Darren?”
“Aaron. Darren was before him.”
“Doesn’t he have a 3000-seater concert hall named after him?”
“I couldn’t care less.” Erina said, and Alice knew it was 593% true.
Whenever tolerating a guy got tedious, Erina had extinguished whatever spark he thought he had ignited, pretended to be hung up on it, and started over, systematically breaking hearts left and right, all the while building titanium defenses around her own.
And then, a year and half ago, she’d seen Yukihira Souma at Nakiri Mansion, and everything had changed.
So. Much. Pining. Alice was more than a few years past sick of how long those two idiots were dragging their shit out.
Erina picked up her belongings. “We should probably stop day-drinking.”
“Sure,” Alice said, paying the tab before Erina could get her wallet out.
“I’ll pay you back for that,” Erina promised as they left the bar.
Alice put a hand on Erina’s shoulder. “You can pay me back by not fucking up your confession again.”
At this, Erina frowned. A withering counter should’ve been second nature, but she found herself incapable. She wanted to believe that whatever piece of her heart that had clung to the hope that Yukihira Souma would come back to her was nothing more than a memory. More than anything, she wished the voice at the back of her head telling her to move on and forget him and their past would finally win out, because there were people in her present waiting for her, and it would be a sin to ignore that.
But she couldn’t say the words; her heart belonged to Yukihira Souma — would always belong to him — and all broken promises and relationships notwithstanding, that was something she could not deny.
-
Although Souma technically hadn’t been invited to the kitchen for shift drinks when the front doors closed, he had taken the liberty of bringing a bottle of cab sauv that he and Erina finished in like ten seconds flat, to hell with sharing with staff, family, and friends.
The second she felt the words wanna come over? slip out of her atmosphere-drunk mouth, she knew it was going to take more self-control than she had not to demand he stay with her forever.
“So, Yukihira,” she said like they hadn’t been catching up for the last two hours when they were sitting on the couch in her living room with pinot noir. “How’ve you been?”
The corners of Souma’s lips twitched. “Not bad,” he replied. “Mostly cooking. A few interviews and shit. I’ve been keeping up with all your stuff, by the way. Three tastings in twelve hours next Monday seems like too much, Nakiri.”
Erina frowned. “Even if you were as talented a stalker as Mimasaka Subaru, how the fuck would you know that?”
He held up his phone. “You were signed into my calendar app when I last downloaded a backup copy four years ago. So every time I get a new phone, I transfer all the old data.”
Erina stared at him, horrified. “Holy shit. You’ve seen everything?”
Shrugging, Souma said, “Not everything. Just… your dates with Darren. And Aaron. Also, I knew about Kiralyno opening before you texted me so I’d already cleared out my schedule by then.”
Erina had stopped listening halfway through. “Wait, Yukihira…”
“It’s okay, Nakiri.” Souma waved it off. “You’re here with me now. All that matters. Let’s not look too far into our past, yeah?”
“Don’t look into my future either, idiot! Sign out of my Google calendar right now!”
Souma shook his head seriously. “Sorry, Nakiri, I don’t think that’s possible.”
“Why the fuck not?”
He gazed at her intently and rested his chin on his fist. “I need to make sure I’ll still be in it.”
Erina rolled her eyes. “Don’t say sappy shit like that. It doesn’t suit you.”
“What if I just stayed?” he asked.
She sighed. “I think the question is, would I even let you? I thought we’re putting the past behind us? Don’t you want this back?” She pointed at the white cloth she was wearing on her wrist. His white cloth.
Souma ignored the second question and pulled Erina to him by her waist, close enough that she could feel his warm breath as he spoke, forehead brushing hers. “Another thing we both know is that you and I could never be just friends.”
“Take your hands off me or I swear I’m either going to spill my wine or kiss you, and I seriously do not care which.”
He leaned back with a sad smile. “You wouldn’t let me stay, would you, Nakiri?”
“I couldn’t,” she said helplessly. “We don’t even know where our lines are.”
“Do we need lines?” Souma asked, finishing his glass and balancing it on his knee. “You and I are beyond this dimension.”
Erina stared at him, memorizing every last square centimeter of his features — the way his hair seemed to get shorter every time they met until he somewhat resembled someone of his culinary pedigree; the way the creases formed on his sleeves along the contours of his toned arms.
“You know, Nakiri, if you let me stay, you wouldn’t have to stare so much.”
She tore her gaze from his collarbone, her whole face turning red. In all her twenty-one years, that had to be the most embarrassing moment of her life. “Shut up! I’m not staring!”
He was watching her with wistful eyes. “I wouldn’t mind if you were…”
And they both heard it.
I wouldn’t mind if you were mine.
#shokugeki no soma#shokugeki no souma#sorina#soueri#yukihira soma#yukihira souma#nakiri erina#CANT BELIEVE THEYRE FINALLY GETTING THEIR SHIT TOGETHER#oh wait#im the one writing this
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