#shouldn't have shoved aside the panic attack that was building last night
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#shouldn't have shoved aside the panic attack that was building last night#when I had to leave work during a massive snow storm#because that overwhelmed feeling carried over into today#and im exhausted and I'm about 2seconds from losing my shit but i cant AGAIN because i have to get ready for work#my shift starts in just over an hour lmao#and i feel like a raging bitch#all snappy and nasty#but really im stretched too thin#and im terrified#of not getting into grad school of this forever being my fuckin life#but also because my health is bad but my brother's is worse and i just watched something terrifying happen to him#(something in his neck temporarily dislocated)#and i just#im so SICK of everything being shitty#im so sick of our shitty medical system and how my brother cant find anyone to take him seriously and actually help him#and i go each day wondering if... if. and i can't handle it. and if i get into grad school I'll be leaving the state...#and if something.....#i know ive put my life on hold for my parents because im afraid of what ifs and my dad's health has ALSO been shit#(i love growing up with a parent that casually says stuff like I Wont Be Alive By Then. or When Im Dead-. all the time.)#and ive been terrified of leaving Just In Case. and every time my brother's health goes bat shit sideways again i freeze and panic#and I don't have TIME to panic or freeze rn but as im well aware the body will make you take a break if you don't make time for one#it's all BS & im tired & lost & i want so BADLY to get into this particular school but i feel Guilty for wanting to leave so fucking badly#idk what to fuckin do#☉#tbd#im gonna cry. or be sick lol. maybe both.
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