#shes handing me off to someone with more trans experience so i have to do it all over again next week
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Before I Leave You (Pt.66)
(Sneek peak)(Omegaverse au, Mafia au, Bts x Reader)
Summary: Your track record with trying to survive is a checkered one. This is a red spot among the black and white.
Tags: Blood, Guns, violence, near death experiences, everyone lives nobody dies...but someone does die this chapter, horror, non-lethal injury, talks of death and dying, a bit of body horror, forced murder? Trans! tae, Tae is briefly dead named in this, implied/referenced intimate partner violence, flashbacks, brief suicidality.
W/c: 8.0k
A/N: ahhhhhh <3 we're finally ready for this part of the story <3 i wonder what your guys reactions will be, i'm really glad i decided to split this chapter into two peices! it's much cleaner this way. don't be 🥲 too mad at me.
Previous part - Masterlist - First part
Chapter 66: Go for the Throat
You hold your breath. Still peering around the corner, watching and waiting for the man to spot you.
But he doesn't, after a breath where his soft footsteps echo, you wait, but nothing happens. You peak back around the corner.
You absorb and catalog the details as fast as you can; the black ski mask, covered by one of those traditional masks, wooden with red lacquer. This one is a little different than the one that Jimin had; this one is white with red splotch on the cheeks, not twisted with thick eyebrows in a snarl. Like a ghost sent down from above to rob you of your humanity.
The bulletproof vest stops at the collarbones. The gun itself is black and a generic model. The long end is extra bulbous with something that might be an attached silencer. Hands covered in black nitrile gloves, leathery at first glance. There is a knife at his waist along with a barrage of other small things. Rope and a knife, duct tape and handcuffs. His heavy boots look steel toed and reinforced.
The man (because it is a man you realize; tall, maybe taller than Namjoon) trains his gun at the landing on the top of the stairs. Pointing it in the direction of Hobi, Tae, and Jin’s hushed voices.
Hobi giggles and it sounds so bright. Echoing off the walls and filling the house.
There is a phone cord tangled in your hands, long and white. You grip it tight.
This man might be silent but you’re quieter as you slide your bare feet across the smooth floors. Your strides are so quiet, you take one step and then another until you're behind the man, mirroring him.
You remember when Yoongi redid the floors, it was one of the few things that he did right away- before the pack came to live here (to love here). It took him weeks and weeks of sanding before he got them to his liking. Days more of brown dark stain that colored his hands ruddy until the soft matte finish stuck. Every pass with the belt sander and dirty rag a movement of love, a meditation for it.
Yoongi made every inch of this house with the same loving intent; to make it a home for all of you. You won’t let it become a grave. You won’t let this person stay here and ruin it.
Most people get it wrong; In order to kill, it is not a matter of elegance or effort. There is no such thing as a perfect kill, emotionless and analytic. it being justified only gets you halfway. There is no way to do it perfectly or cleanly. People die just as they live, messy and hopeful and dirty.
Murder isn't a matter or wanting or wishing, It’s a matter of rage.
It’s always been this way. Rage has been chewing a hole through you from the moment that you pulled the trigger with Geumjae. From the moment you said ‘I do’. Rage that these violent things have been done to you, that they continue to happen, that you can’t just get away from all the hurt and trauma.
Rage has eaten you clean through to the bone. Only now you're the hungry one. Right now, only three words run through your head;
How dare she.
How dare she send this man into your house. How dare she point a gun at the upstairs, in the general direction of your nest and your packmates. The altar at which you so desperately cling to, for sweet dreams and sweet worship. How dare she even think about hurting the people you love.
There is no courage, no bravery, no thought in your head about how stupid it might be as you step closer behind the man. You are not a trained assassin. You’re just an omega.
The adrenaline rush is an old friend, you know how to use it. You grip the phone cord in your hands and take a quiet steadying breath. He doesn't see you, he doesn't hear you, he doesn't know that you're behind him.
Wolves always go for the throat, whether they’re cornered or hunting.
The assassin’s foot ascends the bottom step. You don’t let him get to the second before you’re moving, hurtling forward. Footsteps light as a butterfly’s wings. Your hands go over the man’s shoulders. The cord no more than a white flash across his vision before you draw it tight across his neck.
Coming Saturday February 3rd at 5pm EST (Time Zone Adjustments Below)
#bts fanfic#bts mafia au#bts omegaverse au#bts polyamory au#bts x reader#bts poly au#bts werewolf fic#bts fluff#bts angst#bts hurt/comfort#min yoongi fic#min yoongi x reader#yoongi x reader#min yoongi#omega! reader#bts a/b/o au#bts a/b/o#bts gang au#bts au#bts werewolf au#bts angst bts omegaverse fic#bts hybrid fic#kim namjoon fic#kim seokjin fic#kim taehyung fic#park jimin fic#jeon jungkook fic#jjk#pjm#myg
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d&d 5e languages and gender
i know this is already a very nerdy blog but please indulge me a moment,,
for my homegame i've been fleshing out how different languages in the game deal with gender / pronouns based on their cultures (some of them are canon languages but some are for our setting) and it made the little nerd in me very happy so i wanted to make some headcanons for the rest of the dnd languages and share it for anyone who'd like to steal / take inspo
feel absolutely free to use these in homegames but if you use for anything streamed or for your own ttrpg/homebrew/fics then crediting/linking back is appreciated :o)
disclaimer: this blog is run by a genderqueer trans man and any queerphobic interaction will immediately be blocked
common
common started off with the standard he, she, & they pronouns but simply Loves a good loanword and so its not uncommon to hear people using pronouns from other languages in otherwise entirely common dialogue. there is some Fighting about whether this is appropriative based on the individuals culture or whether its unfair to people who only speak common to keep up with them all
dwarvish
not too much variety in what most people would consider pronouns, it tends to be more one singular neutral pronoun for someone you don't know / don't know well, and then variations that are more like honorifics than anything else. their pronoun might translate more readily to "skilled with a hammer" than anything regarding a gender
elvish
lots of pronoun options that explore different presentations of gender but they are also age/experience locked. a feminine male elf would use different pronouns as a child, teen, young adult, young adult with job, middle age, middle aged with children, etc. using pronouns from a different life experience bracket from you is incredibly frowned upon and people just dont do it
giant
there is one pronoun for giants & kin and one pronoun for not giants and the one for not giants is not derogatory at all, its just used to differentiate who is part of the family or not (individuals adopted by giants tend to use the giant pronoun)
gnomish
LOTS of variation in pronouns. gnomes love inventing new pronouns. there are general grammatical rules that they follow to Signify that its a pronoun but hearing three new pronouns a day is like. not uncommon. lots of gnomish teens go through a phase of making up at least four new pronouns they want to go by. uncommon to only go by one set. typically introduced along with your name
(more under the cut)
goblin
no gendered pronouns, all pronouns are instead structured around relations between individuals. so one person would use brother pronoun with one person, son pronoun with another, best friend pronoun to another. the family pronouns are not locked to actual family, just what the relationship is like. if you don't know someone well, its "cousin", "niece/nephew", "auntie/uncle", or "grandparent" depending on their age
halfling
pronouns are split between public and private use. in general in the community or with outsiders, there's a single pronoun that translates loosely to "friend". actual individual pronouns are only known to and used with close friends and family. there's a small handful of them and only some of them have gendered connotations
orc
there are only four categories of pronouns: masculine, feminine, both/mixed, and neither. but there's a decent amount of variations because there are varying levels of formality for each of them. there are ways to conjugate them so they're more formal and respectful, but also lots of diminutives to make them more affectionate and closely-bonded
abyssal
no use of pronouns. lots of very specific derogatory terms that are used in place of them. i shant elaborate.
celestial
lots of variations in pronouns. they are not very closely tied to gender, but are tied to very specific aesthetics. instead of having individual pronoun words, in celestial you just use root words. so one person might use the root word for things that are soft and gentle and natural for their pronoun, while another person might use the root word for things associated with dark and murky and mysterious things for theirs. tend to be tied to domains
draconic
no use of pronouns, only names and titles. if you happen to share a name with another individual who speaks draconic, you would need a unique title to go after it. the full name and full title is said at every reference of someone
deep speech
deep speech has pronouns probably but hearing them for any individual you dont share a close identity group with makes you violently nauseous and then the word immediately leaves your mind so it's just really hard to learn them
infernal
there are words for "you", "me", "us", "we", "this one", "that one", "those ones" etc but no classic pronouns as far as individual usage goes. if someone really needs to be specific they would use whatever pronoun that individual uses in their native language. tieflings have introduced a Lot of neopronouns into infernal but theyre all borrowed from other languages and then reworked into infernal grammar and tend to be localized to communities
primordial
individuals are referred to their elemental type (or "none") rather than pronouns tied to gender. so it would be more like "the windy one" or "the rocky one" than anything like he or she
sylvan
no standard gendered pronouns, it's entirely nounself. so basically infinite amount of pronouns that are easily understood by anyone familiar with that noun. so you would have things like pebble pronoun, teapot pronoun, sword pronoun, with some general affiliations with presentation but less so with gender
undercommon
pronouns are based on level of respect and not gender, but there are also pronouns specifically used for children. like craftsmen would typically all use the same pronoun unless one was incredibly successful and respected, or had a very bad reputation, etc. there are pronouns used only for royalty and pronouns used only for deities
speak with animals
when translated into common, tends to just be translated as the animal's bio sex, but it can go a little screwy when speaking about creatures who have biological sexes so outside the humanoid concept of sex and gender that even magic dont fuckin know how to translate it. kind of just makes a weird bubbly noise in its place
if you read this far thank you thank you and if you end up using these in your campaign lore or fics i would love to know :o)
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Damaged Goods (Dhawan!Master x GN!Reader)
Hi! It’s been soooo long. Grad school will be the death of me. Enjoy this fic that I wrote instead of studying for an exam I’ll take in less than 36 hours that determines whether I graduate or not. This was more fun though. Please excuse any typos I proofread this once and now I have to go study to prove that I can be a professional at hearing people's worst memories while helping them be okay
Dhawan!Master x GN!Reader
You’ve accepted your fate on a planet you don’t even know the name of after being left behind. The last person you expect to see is your ex-friend’s best enemy.
Notes: So reader is gender neutral but there’s a throwaway line that more aligns with the queer/trans experience, but could probably read as anyone who is an outsider or struggled to feel accepted. Enjoy babes!
Warnings: Reference to torture, brief SI language but no followthrough, angst, abandonment. The works.
This certainly wasn’t the way you’d expected to die. Well, that might not be exactly true. You had expected some kind of trouble that you and the fam got into would end in your demise, but foolishly you’d thought that maybe it would be quick.
This was not quick.
While on some godforsaken planet that you couldn’t remember the name of, the Doctor had managed to piss off another alien race, leading to you all fleeing to the TARDIS under heavy fire. And only you hadn’t made it on time.
At first, you’d been confident that the Doctor would come back and rescue you. But the first day passed, and then the second, and then the third, and then before you knew it, you’d been being tortured for… well, you didn’t know anymore. Hard to keep track when you have no clue how long you’ve been passed out for after getting the shit beaten out of you for not knowing where the Doctor had run off to.
You weren’t really sure when you’d started resenting her for it–for leaving you behind. She and the fam had taken you in when no one else was there for you, when no one would accept you for who you were. You had no one back on Earth. And now you had no one period. It hurt. To be left behind and forgotten like a toy that had been broken and discarded.
And that’s what you were. Broken. You’d held onto your spirit for so long, but as you heard the barred door down the hall swing open, you realized that you just wanted it all to end. You just couldn’t take it anymore.
You didn’t look up as the door to your cell opened and someone was shoved to the ground, followed by the door slamming shut and locking once more.
“Oh come on boys, it was all in good fun!” said a familiar voice, causing your blood to run cold. You snuck a quick glance, and confirmed– yes, the Master had just been thrown into your cell. Unfortunately, your movement didn’t go unnoticed, and his head snapped in your direction. You quickly diverted your eyes, but the damage was done. You heard him tut and wander towards you, and your entire body tensed.
“Now what is one of the Doctor’s little pets doing in a place like this? Lost, love?” he asked cruelly. You didn’t respond or look up, still curled in on yourself. He stepped closer and your body got impossibly more tense. Your lack of response encouraged him. “Waiting on your precious Doctor to come and save you?”
You couldn’t help but let out a quiet scoff at that, which egged him on further. “How long has she left you here to rot?” He made an irritated sound when you didn’t respond. “I asked you a ques–,” you saw him reaching for you.
“Don’t touch me!” you shouted, vaulting yourself away from him across the cell. You could feel yourself start to hyperventilate, breaths coming quicker and quicker. Yep, this was it. You were dying. The Master was frozen in place, an unreadable look on his face.
The only sound was your quick breathing. He took a step forward, and you pushed yourself into the corner as far as you could.
“Don’t…” you sobbed, terrified. The Master held his hands up and took another step forward as if he were approaching a wild animal. “Please,” you whispered.” He hesitated.
“I’m not going to hurt you,” he said after a moment. There was some emotion on his face that you couldn’t quite place– though that was reasonable, being that you hadn’t been in contact with anyone that had shown you anything but disgust and anger. Still, you didn’t relax.
“You need to breathe or you’re going to pass out. You humans are pathetic like that, only having one respiratory system,” he said with jest, and you let out a short laugh in shock. He took this as a good sign, because he slowly approached and knelt down next to you. He seemed to not quite know what to do, but settled on a gentle hand on your back as you steadied your breathing.
“Now. I’m going to go destroy every other being on this planet, and then we’ll leave. Consider this my good deed of this regeneration. Can’t be ruining my reputation now, can I?” he said quietly. You looked up in surprise, and were met with an intense gaze. You nodded, throwing your trust to someone who’d never shown you anything but disdain up until this moment. What did you have to lose?
And as you got on the Master’s TARDIS, you couldn’t help but wonder what life had in store for you next.
#dhawan!master#doctor who#dhawan!master x reader#gn!reader#hurt/comfort#angst#please tell me I did a good job#did I do a good job?#the master x reader
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Aw man. Today's the last day of @tristampparty and I am surprisingly sad about it. I'll be catching up the days I missed at some point, but I've chucked all that I've written, including today, into a google document and I apparently wrote 7.5k words over the course of episode 6 to today.
That's! A Lot!
I really wanna thank everyone who reblogged and gave me their additional thoughts/commentary, and special thanks to Revenantghost for organizing this whole thing! you do good work for this fandom i am giving u a gold star
With that, here we go into Episode 0 - High Noon at July. CWs for pregnancy discussion and a less detailed than last time but still present analysis of sexual assault and transphobia, marked with a [CW] Ofc, spoilers for Trimax and Tristamp
Cowboy kid Knives is something u can pry from my cold dead hands but it's also,,, I don't watch a lot of westerns, but the way Knives describes it seems like he likes the high action and justice. Which yea. yeah.
A lot of ppl interpret Vash then saying that he doesn't like that sorta stuff as him having always had pacifistic tendencies but I don't really read it that way? I just see him being rather similar to Trimax Vash - chill kid with his own interests and hobbies and Knives being the very oversensitive kid so outshines him initially.
Regardless of version of Trigun (except 98. 98 didn't know shit about knives lmao), Vash and Knives have always started off wanting to coexist and be peaceful; it's just how they reacted to it later that differs. In this case, Knives wants to stand up for his friends and make a peaceful world through that, and Vash is more passive in that he just wants to have faith in humanity.
Not to mention they are kids. Young, idealistic kids. This is pre-Tesla, they don't know the extent of how horrible the world is. The loss of innocence and subsequent breakdowns relating to The Horrors is yet to come.
[CW] Mmmmm they really don't make the pregnancy imagery subtle now do they dfgkjdfjk
I also think there's like - merit in also interpreting Knives as trans. Not Just because i think he's also very trans coded (A lot of his breakdowns and story arcs have reflections in how some trans men overcompensate masculinity in a Bad Way. That's a very small subsection of trans guys btw but I am speaking from experience. I got better tho). Anyway it makes the fact that Knives is disregarding Vash's bodily autonomy very much Worse if you take the male plants are trans analogy into it.
He's so far gone that he's willing to do to Vash what would be the worst thing to be done to him; Violating his body to rebuild and make him a perfect independent ("remind him of biological reality"), physically overpowering him ("taking the aggressor, commonly masculine role in sexual assault") to do what he wants. Disregarding the wants and needs of the Plants ("women +fem-presenting ppl that he originally set out to protect because he knew their experience and wanted to help and still has that trauma from witnessing that trauma")
Ofc that's just a reading of the scene, but I quite like it as a trans guy because that makes a really good villain with trans themes/motifs! I hate him so much (affectionate)
No, no she doesn't. Meryl is making a choice and she's gonna damn well stick to it! She's been given agency and she's gonna spend it in the most eldritch horrific scene that someone on that planet could spend it lmao. Well, no Knives takes most eldritch and horrific. Meryl's second tho
Okay this fucking scene drives me INSANE. This is a memory, clearly, but it's one that's being tampered with. Vash asks Knives if they can get along with humans, and then Knives immediately messes with the memory to make sure that he says that he'll protect Vash no matter what. But that is very clearly not what was originally said, so... What did he say? What was present day Knives so desperate to cut off?
I've talked about the narrative being biased against Knives a lot, but something I haven't talked about is that Knives kinda tries to contribute to that narrative a lot. He wants to seem like he never cared about humans, he wants to seem like he always planned this and was going for justice ever since he was a kid. He tells Vash the Tesla incident was just a small grain of sand, he uses Luida to tell everyone he wants to kill Rem, he's unbearably cruel to Vash to make his point. The only difference is that he wants to be right.
So he doesn't let us see what the kid version of him says, because that would contradict the narrative he's built for himself.
I really wanna give props to Studio Orange here for both the design and way they modelled the wing here, that's a really difficult task when the guy you're putting a wing on has a tight as hell bodysuit. But the anatomy holds up surprisingly well!
Also many people have pointed out that the plant mech looks a lot like Rem, and Knives staring into the face of a Plantish representation of his mother that is created and controlled subconsciously by his brother and saying he was rejected is. It sure is a scene!
ONCE AGAIN. INCREDIBLE EFFECTS. I also would like to once again point out the angelic motifs of Knives' design here.
Also Vash saying this is SO important because Meryl!!! is so important!!! I see a lot of people brush Meryl's space in the story off and it Enrages me because Meryl is one of the most important people to Vash. Aside from our frontline yaoi soldier Nicholas D. Wolfwood, Meryl has one of the most tangible impacts on Vash's character.
When Vash is in his breakdown in Trimax, Meryl is the one to kneel at his side and believe in him; When Vash is having his god awful horrible mindscape time in Tristamp, Meryl does the same. When Meryl is kidnapped in Trimax, Vash instantly jumps out of a window in the chance of getting her back. Vash trusted her enough to fire the ion cannon in the sand steamer episode. He immediately went to July the moment she and Roberto were kidnapped.
Meryl has so much faith in Vash and she's insane for that, but Vash recognizes her and that faith pays off in giving him the strength to carry on. He heard her voice, too :]
Also oh to be floating slowly down to the floor while you're a meter away from a cube with the power of an atom bomb while someone named Millions Knives is summoning millions of knives in front of u. Meryl has guts, man.
And now that Vash has gotten his gun back, he's back to using it as a tonfa! (check I think my analysis of episode 7 for more on that). Watching for the swing blocks, the forearm guard, and thwacking the knife tendrils out of the way
This fight scene has soooo much love and care and detail in it I love it so much actually. From seeing Vash's bullets to all the expressions and beautifully detailed firing, there's so much detail in a quick space that you really have to slow it down to see everything.
Seriously how strong is Knives to be able to have a feasible chance again Vash's prosthetic - and Vash matches him! Also the chomp
Now something that I have the shakiest of theories on is that after summoning The Cube, Vash starts moving in a far more controlled manner, he stands still when reloading, he has his movement flurries and then stands still to aim. Which uh. Studio Orange works in 3d, but those are 2d animation techniques. He's moving like 98 Vash.
There's a lot I admire about Studio Orange's use of 3d (I am a mid-tier 2d artist lmao) but I love love love that they're able to get all these really nice, creative camera shots that would be impractical in 2d (all those overhead shots, for example, have a chance of turning about bad/looking weird in 2d, and puts more strain on animators, but 3d you have the models from every angle already. 3d isn't easier by any means, but it does have its strengths)
Also. how Did Wolfwood get over here, dare I ask. mans climbed a tower in just a few minutes what is Wrong with him
Also a nice detail, Vash usually has perfect trigger discipline, but he falters here against Knives, probably because he's been already shooting, but hey, he's stressed. I'll give him a break.
I also appreciate exactly how superhuman Wolfwood is now. Tristamp Wolfwood is on a different level. Like 98 Wolfwood is just some (attractive) guy, Trimax Wolfwood has a lot of gory body horror going on and a subtle kind of endurance/strength, but Tristamp Wolfwood just jumped off a very tall building holding a grown woman and the Punisher and was fine.
Oh hey, same symbol on the tower as was on the sandsteamer and on Vash's wanted poster - symbol of July, probably
Very horribly, Knives probably did just save Vash's life here. But also the rest of July's life (though ofc he just extended the timer)....
I'm not quite sure When Vash started using plant bullets, but he's definitely using them now. Also the nails on his prosthetic are a nice touch!
THE FLYING SAUCER STRIKES AGAIN. I wonder if that's gonna be the basis of the Ark, if that's the route season 2 goes.
I also. Was that allI the Plants collected that escaped in this, or were there a bunch still running in July that get obliterated too? Did Knives inadvertently cause the death of more plants? I mean, when Knives gets revived in Trimax he definitely causes the death of at least 2 plants (there are a couple of bulbs in the background of the blast radius, plus the one that was used to revive him... she uh. Didn't look like she was doing so hot)
Vash's little speech is always so,,, intense. He has such a strong sense of character and it's admirable how well he sticks to his morals despite it all.
On a more body horror note, Knives can survive a long fucking time trying to grab The Cube. In Trimax he gets hit with the angel arm and practically disemboweled instantly, but Tristamp Knives can take over a minute of just like. being right in the direct path of fire. They're really gonna have to work to reconstruct him. Good luck, Legato!
UFO SPOTTED !!! LEAVING JULY AS IT IS DESTROYED !! NOT CLICKBAIT !!!
^ I made that long ago and needed to use it somewhere dfgkjdfg
[RAUCOUS CHEERING]
And ofc I have to bring up Eriks :] I don't actually have too much to say abt him. Studio Orange strip this man and make him bark like a dog next season or we will riot
CHRONICA MENTION!!!!! YAYYYYYY
And that's kinda. It.
Man I have had such fun over the last 12 days, I've really discovered a love for analyzing and theories and putting that out there and chatting with people about Trigun :] I should do this more often lmao but I do want to get back to drawing. I'll find a balance, then!
Thank you all for coming, and Wow if you made it this far I must be doing something right lmao.
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hi, it seems like i’m late to the discussion so feel free to bury this ask if you’ve moved on. i just really want to share my 2 cents about this topic, because it has been weighing on me lately.
so my gf (lesbian) belongs to a poetry club. i won’t bore you with the details but everyone in the club is a young adult, and it’s not uncommon for the club members to write cringy poems about vulgar shit to be funny. well a couple weeks ago, the weekly topic was odes & tributes, and my gf wrote an Ode to Pussy.
she said everyone liked it, except 2 people who said it was “gross” and exclusionary, because not all women have vaginas. her poem was apparently alienating to trans women, and contributed to the systemic otherization of trans women and transfemmes. when they said that, other people in the club started agreeing with them. the consensus was that it’s OK to have a preference for vaginas, but that anyone who does should keep that to themselves.
my gf apologized, but now she wishes she hadn’t. as for me, i’m really mad about it. it makes me think of straight people who “accept” gay people, but get mad when gay people hold hands, or kiss in public like straight couples do.
not to mention, the whole “genital preference” thing feels like when straight people call homosexuality a Lifestyle. i hate that. it’s not a preference or a lifestyle!! it is a sexual orientation!! we are born this way!!
my gf was literally just writing about her OWN experiences, and what SHE likes. if someone talking about her own experiences bothers you, then that’s a shame, but it’s your responsibility to cope with that. asking gay people to censor themselves when talking about their own experiences, because someone might be emotionally hurt by it, is extremely entitled.
sorry for the wall of text. i ended up ranting haha. anyway, thanks, i needed to get this off my chest.
Yeah dude thats exactly what Im talking about when I say that ppl no longer view others as human beings but rather as Things that can be Reshaped to be more AcceptableTM (just like str8 ppl censoring gays in the early 2000s). It really irks me and what ur gf experienced is something a lot of my friends also experienced, though not in a poetry club but in local lgbt activity groups. It really is fucking insane and Im not surprised at all by the wave of weird radfems who obsess over pussy that we can see in the last uuuh 5yrs or so. Its crazy to think what a minority of insecure narcissists can do to an entire movement lmao
I recommend writing more funny vaj poems btw troll them to hell and back queen
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Hi I don't know if you do advice posts but I'm really hitting it off with this guy who has sorta run in adjacent social circles but who i didn't really get to know personally until the past month or so. He recently disclosed to me that he's trans and while it isn't a deal breaker by any means the truth is I've never dated nor slept with a trans guy and I'm not sure whether I should mention that to him if we decide to pursue something so that he knows not to expect too much in terms of skill or not to so that he doesn't get the wrong impression and think I'm using him for an experiment. I'm either a gnc cis woman or some flavor of nonbinary but I'm not sure yet and I'm attracted to men
so imo, the best course of action would be to not disclose. i think you'll both feel more comfortable if you just let the relationship progress organically. if he asks and you're comfortable sharing, i think you can definitely tell him and also include that you don't want him to feel like an experiment. that should open the door for some good conversations about boundaries, likes and dislikes, what terminology he prefers, if he has had a form of bottom surgery, etc. basically, just let him take the lead on that. those conversations can start to feel a little clinical, so feel free to make them spicy. it's more fun that way.
this isn't necessarily what you asked about, but my adhd brain is taking me there, so here's my nsfw advice for folks who want to have sex with a trans person for the first time and are nervous about what to do. ymmv, and of course other trans folks are welcome to contribute. this can also apply to a lot of intersex folks as well, but i'm not gonna speak on that part since i'm not intersex, so intersex folks definitely feel welcome to add to this as well.
he's pre or no op and you're not sure what to call his junk and you don't want to just come out and ask? get a sexy conversation going and ask what he wants you to do to him. he'll describe his body with the terminology he prefers, and you can pick it up from there.
not sure if she's comfortable with you going near her genitals? "tell me where you want me to touch you" "where do you want me to put my mouth?" this is another great way to find out what someone calls parts of their body.
nervous about how to interact with his bottom growth? "i want to watch you touch yourself." "show me how you want me to touch you." watch what he does and copy that when you take over.
not sure if they're a top or a bottom or a side? start with what you prefer (or if you have boundaries about what roles you're not comfortable taking on), and let them respond to that. you don't like bottoming? good, she hates topping! you don't really like penetrative sex on either side? great, they can do oral for hours! haven't topped before but you're willing to try? perfect, he's a power bottom! and if you find your preferences aren't compatible, you can either see if there's other things they're willing to try, or go your separate ways amicably. this sometimes happens with queer sex and it's no one's fault!
he's had phallo and you're not sure how it works? treat it like you would any other dick! if there are things you need to or that he wants you do to differently, he'll tell you. same with meta, it's just a dick that's on the smaller end of average. refer back to "show me how you want me to touch you" if you're still nervous about it.
think they might be getting dysphoric? focus on parts of their body you know they like or that give them good gender feelings. run your hands over his biceps and talk about how sexy his muscles are. run your fingers through her hair and talk about how soft it is. if they seem to be spiraling, turn the attention to you to get them out of their head.
have to stop having sex because the dysphoria got too bad? keep it casual. if they want to talk about it, let them. if they want to let it go, find another activity you can do that feels intimate without the sexual contact. when they seem better, tell them "i'm really glad you were able to tell me earlier that you were feeling uncomfortable. it means a lot that you trust me enough to tell me that." if they seem open to it, have a conversation about what you can do if that happens in the future.
not as sexy, but still very important: if you have a uterus and can get pregnant and your partner has a penis that produces sperm, or vice versa, use a reliable form of birth control! it can suck to talk about that stuff, but it's incredibly important. additionally, use protection against sexually transmitted diseases and infections! get tested regularly, be open and honest with your partner(s), and always pee after sex.
have fun! have weird sex! have vanilla sex! try out some new kinks! celebrate the endless possibilities!
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being trans is so weird.
I'm trans masc. in transitioning towards presenting more masculine. if I could I would have a hysterectomy and top surgeryl right now.
but I just saw a Reddit thread about "girl secrets" and I found myself in the comments of hundreds of people describing the mundane aspects of their womanhood, like making sure you get the leftovers out when you shower at the of of you period or the weird adjustment thing you have to do with your boobs sometimes when trying to sleep.
My hair has always been a source of dysphoria for me, always being complimented on my hair, long and thick, natural highlights and gentle curls. all I ever wanted until I finally gave in at 17 was to chop it all off. I'd get a buzz cut if it meant people stopped seeing me from behind and immediately clocking me as a girl because it went right down my back even in my ratty ponytail.
but I saw this tiktok on how women often swoosh their pony tails behind them when they walk, because it's fun. and it is! I always found some joy in that before I finally cut it off and felt pride in my hair for the first time ever.
my co-workers are all women, cisgender women who don't know that I'm not one of them. to them I'm just the short haired lesbian that works shifts with them. but this means they include me in their monthy girls nights and I get to feel the joy of being the inside of some secret club I never really felt a part of as a kid. it's fun hearing them chat shit about their exes, talk about those weird things that only happen to women because of our anatomy.
and yet, I'm taking steps to turn away from that, because while these spaces are safe and familiar to me, they what's felt unnatural and like I was intruding on something not meant for me.
I'm taking these steps to look and be seen the way that makes me confident and empowered, and yet I'm time I'll lose the experience of talking to random women fixing their make up in the at the mirrors in public toilets, or seeing 5 drunk women tell a random stranger she's beautiful when they find her ex left her for someone prettier.
Men don't have that support. and I'll lose that forever when I transition.
and yeah, once I visibly transition I don't have to be as afraid of walking home at night, and yeah i won't have to hear drunk old men hit on me after telling me I look like their grandaughters, and yeah I won't have to deal with sexist jokes made at my expense by my guy friends.
but once women stop seeing me as a woman and start seeing me for me, suddenly my past, my whole childhood, where i believed I would be a woman the rest of my life, suddenly changes meaning.
if I were to talk about those weirdly sexual and creepy comments my best friends boyfriend made for months, it's just guys being dudes. if I mention the time my boss's boyfriend smacked my ass during a busy shift, it's just a bro tap. if I mention how random guys at work often try to hug me or hold my hands or call me pet names, it stops being harassment and just starts being guys messing about.
if I mention how my cramps can immobilise me, or how much I hate wearing tampons or how dogs do that weird thing where they just keep sniffing your crotch or how sometimes my ovary cramps and it's rock hard beneath the skin, or how frustrating it is when your period comes 2 days early and ruins the underwear you liked or it's a week late for absolutely no god forsaken reason and your hormones are all over the place, and you're moody, tired, angry, sad, hungry bloated and nauseous all at once, they're just look at me all funny because his could I, someone who looks and presents as a guy, possibly know what it's like to be a woman.
as if I didn't live as one for 20 years.
as if I didn't plan to live my life as a woman.
as if I didn't grow up being someone's daughter, sister or niece.
as if I didn't expect to be someone's mother, wife or aunt.
being trans is weird, because once you realise it, all of your life experience slowly stops mattering.
it's weird because yes I want the world to separate me from who they always assumed I would be, yes I want them to stop seeing me as that little girl who didn't quite know how to be a girl. yes I want them to see me the way I've always felt I was supposed to be... but I don't want them to only see the masc side of me.
my girlhood, my femininity, my lived experience as a female in the 21st century all helped shape who I am now, and just because I'm trans doesn't mean that goes away.
but no one really sees that.
and yeah, it's a good thing, it means the world is finally starting to see me for who I've always known myself to be.
but knowing that part of me is slowly fading is weird.
being trans is so weird.
and so frustrating.
all at once.
#im just having a weird time#dysphorias been kicking my ass#and that reddit post about 'girl secrets' really fucked me up a little#anyways thanks for coming to my ted talk#trans#transgender#transmasc#trans man#trans issues#lgbtq
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*Sticks hand through catflap* Pardon me Jace but I heard you would not talk about Henry Stickmin OCs at length until someone asked you. Please deposit all of your information into my hand please and thank you
hi math!! <3 *cracks knuckles* alrighty heres my little stickmin guys, not counting ace and eca because their relationship to canon is ✨ strange and unorthodox! ✨
Short Descriptions
Acanthus: A hedge witch who lives in the woods, no associated factions but oddly seems to house a lot of Toppat visitors.
Pazi: A CCC worker who works in a mobile unit off the coastline of Russia.
The Javelins: A found family of five scientific experiments with grafted wings to be recruited into the military.
Long (and i mean long) Descriptions under cut:
^ old reference, feathers in her hat have been changed to acanthus flowers
Acanthus (she/her):
Acanthus lives alone in a cabin in the woods, a little decrepit but not too worse for wear. She is a very advanced hedge witch, and her magic mostly consists of herbal remedies and teas (though she does know basic warding and sigils, kitchen magic, and protection magic.)
She married a long time ago, and she and her husband built their cabin together on the edge of the forest, and they lived happily together for many years learning magic together. As the years went by, the forest inched closer and slowly grew darker and more sinister. One fateful day, three months after their first child was born, Acanthus’s husband was killed by a creature of the forest, and in grief she cast a radiating field of protection from her cabin outward, sustained for as long as she lived. From then on, she vowed to protect anyone who wandered into the section of the forest she resided in, since she could not protect the one she loved the most.
She is the guardian of the section of the woods where she lives and she protects those who walk in her area of the forest. She goes out every day to collect herbs and plants and hangs them up to dry in her home. Those who do not mean harm can seek sanctuary in or near her cabin. She hasn’t had quite as many visitors since her granddaughter Hazel left to join the Toppats.
Y’know. Hazel. The Witch.
Acanthus’s daughter (The Witch’s mother) didn’t want to be so secluded in the dark woods and moved away into the city. Acanthus supported her daughter’s choices and continued living in the forest alone. Acanthus’s daughter had a child, and The Witch grew up with an affinity towards plants. The Witch visited Acanthus’s cabin every summer from a young age. Acanthus taught The Witch everything she knew about herbalism. Acanthus was the first person The Witch came out to about being trans, and was delighted when she found out that Acanthus was trans as well.
One of Acanthus’s many potions is a tea which helps the body develop in tune with the drinker’s perception of their gender. There’s some effects that happen right away (voice changes, hormone production), but most effects take multiple doses of the potion. (Potion of trans your gender REAL). Acanthus drank this to transition, and so did The Witch.
Eventually, The Witch joined the Toppats, though she still comes back to visit often.
Acanthus was originally created to help my friend @frazzledazzlin’s character, Jesse, transition. He wanted a witch in the woods to magically trans Jesse’s gender for his backstory, so I offered to make a witch for this purpose! Acanthus enjoys Jesse’s visits immensely and treats him like a beloved grandson. Jesse helps her with chores and she always invites him for tea and supper and a chat.
Jesse will often call her Acantha, and The Witch calls her Nana. She will always sends them back to the Toppat airship/orbital station with a protection sigil and a new container of tea bags.
If I could turn this into a piece of media, it would be: A series of non-chronological comics mostly centered on whenever someone visits the cabin.
_______
Pazi (they/xey/she):
Pazi Morozova is a CCC employee looking for chaos disturbances near Russia’s coast of the Bering Sea. The Mobile Unit R321 is manned by xem and xem alone. They basically live in that thing and have turned it into a one-room apartment.
Pazi joined the CCC as a mobile unit operative to investigate the strange power surges that would randomly spike in the sea. She triangulated and found the source – a ship that housed a certain doctor specializing in cyborgs – and tried to destroy it (like most CCC employees try to do).
Due to a malfunction, the Ultimate Freeze device and a Frost Ray were combined and blew back into her face, hitting her directly. The accident gave them a new power, the ability to slow time of things and people they coat in a layer of frost, freezing them in place.
However, the blast also took out much of the lower half of xeir face, as well as the part of xeir arm xey used to shield xeir eyes. Her mobile unit crashed into the sea and Dr. V graciously took her in to fix her up. Dr V. let her stay on her ship while xey recovered and they worked on her mobile unit together to get it flight-ready again (which they prolonged the repair of as they grew attached to each other). They dated for a while, but eventually felt as if they weren’t compatible as lifelong partners, so they broke up on friendly terms. Pazi quietly returned to working for the CCC.
They still care deeply about each other as friends, and they video chat sometimes and have semi-regular meet-ups whenever they happen to be near each other in the sea. Pazi docks their mobile unit on Dr. V's ship and makes her coffee, and Dr. V gives their mechanics a tune-up while they chat. These days, Pazi makes sure Dr. V is safe from the CCC’s radar.
Pazi was originally created from the #henrystickminocchallenge on twitter, and was eventually given a backstory.
If I could turn this into a piece of media, it would be: A short fanfic centered on Pazi’s life before and then during their stay with Dr. V.
_______
The Javelins:
jfc where do i start lmao
TW: Torture, Kidnapping, Death, Experimentation
The Andromeda Facility is a scientific laboratory that runs completely morally sound experiments with consenting volunteers.
At least… on the first floor.
Past a secret elevator, lower floors reveal much more sinister projects performed on kidnapped subjects. With excess funding from first-floor experiments, The Andromeda Facility aims to make ground-breaking scientific revelations, ethics be damned.
Enter The Javelin Project.
The Javelin Project is an Andromeda Facility initiative aiming to graft wings to a human body in order to create a mobile field operative more discreet than helicopters, but still intelligent enough for Government work. The project was named Javelin, for the sleek and efficient ability to fly through the air and narrowly breach through enemy defenses.
With three previously failed test trials under their belts, scientists are ready to proceed with Group 4, five subjects who’ve already been through the wringer...
Javelin Group 4, Case A (J4-CA) – self-proclaimed “Alexandria” (she/her) – is a reject from The Athena Assignment, an experiment to jampack all Earthly knowledge and intellect into a select number of humans. Alexandria was a strong start with an abnormally high IQ level, but was deemed too violent after weekly provoking. (One of the scientists kept challenging her to a chess game where he continuously altered the rules so she couldn't win. Every time she captured on of his pieces she'd scrape the piece along the side of the board, wearing it down to a sharpened edge she used to slice his chest.) She was removed and placed into the Javelin Project. Alexandria is highly intelligent and protective of her loved ones, jumping to defend them.
^ Javelin Group 4, Case B (J4-CB) – self-proclaimed “Jacob” or “Coby” (she/they) – is a reject from The Fountain Experiments, a look into anti-aging serums meant to help the skin appear more youthful, though this had negative effects on the physical and mental age development of Coby. A child who started as a 13 year old had regressed into a 7 year old with an even lower mental age. She was discarded as scientists researched serums with less negative side effects. Coby is shy, sweet, and easily attached to people who are the slightest bit kind to her. She’s so baby.
^ Javelin Group 4, Case C (J4-CC) – self-proclaimed “Keter” (it/they) – has not been in a previous experiment before. Its mother was a scientist working obliviously on the first floor of the facility who was killed after accessing an unauthorized level of the building. Keter broke in after its mom never came home and was taken and placed into the Javelin Project. Keter is feisty, angry, and leans hard into the experiment vibes, being a nightmare of a test subject if it means it’ll take attention off of its family.
^ Javelin Group 4, Case D (J4-CD) – self-proclaimed “Dewdrop” “Dewy” or “Dew" (they/he) – was previously a worker who tended to low-maintenance plant experiments on the first floor, and was taken to be part of the Terracotta Tests, an experiment in human photosynthesis when spliced with plant cells. The experiment failed since the photosynthesis became uncontrollable, and Dew began growing rue and asphodel from their hair and skin. They were rejected from this experiment and sent to be part of The Javelin Project. Dew is spacey, dazed and forgetful most of the time, but shows affection to their family after prolonged containment with them.
^ Javelin Group 4, Case E (J4-CE) – self-proclaimed “Jace” (he/she/they) – is me! Jace was a reject from the Nocturn Experiment, though not as a subject. He was part of the experiment equipment, meant to repeat a specific musical melody to make a group of people fall asleep as a conditioned response. After making too many mistakes in this experiment, he was placed into the Javelin Project. Jace is weary but caring, very maternal and nurturing.
--
The Javelin Project takes a long time of hollowing out bones, the wing grafting process, and eventual flight training. Every night the subjects get shunted into a room together and given their food portions which they share. They talk, sing, and comfort each other. They are all that they have.
The Javelin Project can either fail (all or almost all the subjects die), partially succeed (a set of the subjects survive), or fully succeed (all subjects survive), each leading to different timelines for the Javelins.
The main ones are:
- The Escape Timeline, where the group of five try to escape, but Coby, Keter and Dew die in the process. When caught by scientists, Alexandria gives up her life so Jace can run away. Jace joins the Toppats to swear revenge.
- The Government Timeline, where the Javelin Project succeeds and they’re sent to work for the government. Why do they do this? I have not planned that out yet. I think they’re being forced to but who knows why they're cooperating. I’ll figure it out. Anyway, other than The True Ending, this is the happiest ending for them since everyone survives and are let outside together. They do missions together and Jace and Alexandria take care of the three kids and are parents together and they’re found family.
J4-CE was originally created for a secret project. :)
If I could turn this into a piece of media, it would be: A “your-choices-matter” RPG Maker game with a rhythm game segment, a visual novel segment, a tamagotchi simulator survival segment, and multiple endings based on who survives. I will make this someday.
#henry stickmin oc#thsc oc#the henry stickmin collection#henrey stickmin#my henry stickmin art#starlight originals#general oc tag#my favorite color is queue#ace and eca would take too long to explain hdkhd
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Ani DiFranco as Persephone
Here’s what I’ve got to say on the situation as your local Hadestown historian. And remember that if you don’t want to hear bad stuff about it, the #sephgate tag is the one to block.
On the one hand, it’s pretty cool that they’re bringing back someone from a pre-Chavkin production! It’ll expose modern fans to the early versions of the show.
On the other hand, I have some reservations about this casting decision.
First up is her politics. I’ve learned the hard way that I can’t always make a convincing political argument so I’ll keep it short: some time ago she held some retreats at an old slave plantation and got defensive when people said “hey maybe this isn’t the most considerate thing.” That, and she supported the exclusion of trans women at some women-only music festival, with some TERFy feel to it. That, and the issues with casting a white person as modern Persephone, which others have spoken in with more clarity than I.
From a non-political standpoint, I’m worried about how she might play the character. 2010 Persephone and Broadway Persephone are VERY fundamentally different characters. Hopefully some input from the directors will help with that.
There’s also the matter of lack of experience. I checked her IMDb and IBDb, she has two acting credits; one voice acting and one as herself on some TV show. Basically, she has no acting experience and is going straight to Broadway. It’ll be a minor miracle if she can pull it off with so little prep time.
Lastly, if I hear or see ONE MORE PERSON call her the original Persephone, I think I might actually lose my mind. With all this focus on the concept album, there’s going to be a very common misconception that the album is the first version of the show, but you all here know better than that. Still, it’ll bug me a bit.
I do want to hope that she can do good, but no matter what this is leaving a bit of a bad taste in my mouth. I suppose only time will tell!
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Find The Word Tag
Thank you for the tag, @toribookworm22.
My words to find were quiet, dare, & token.
Passing the tag to @andromedaexists, @blind-the-winds, @oh-no-another-idea, and the usual open tag to anyone else who wants it.
You words to find shall be jolt, remote, & toy.
Now, time for Lacuna mixing trans angst with mad science!
Quiet: Empty Names - 21 - Changeling Child
“I don’t want her to worry about me,” she mumbles. “Same for Road.”
“You mean to say that becoming stuck as a faceless imitation of a human being all night is not cause for concern?”
“It’s fine!” Lacuna snaps defensively and then shrinks back from her own raised voice. “It’s fine,” she says more quietly. “I’m fine. I’m fine. It’s a problem I’ve been working for a while now and that’s not even the worst thing that’s happened to me so far. And the enchantment had a safety timer built in, so I would have been fine.” She raises her head, looking through Ashan rather than at him. “Compared to some of the other mishaps, this one actually felt… nice? It was quiet. Like all the thoughts going in my head all the time finally shut up for once and let me just be. Awareness without a sense of self to be aware of and in a room with no external stimulus.” She slaps a hand to her forehead and laughs. “Okay, wow, that does sound bad when I say it aloud, but I promise I’m fine. It was actually about as restful as sleeping, I’m just a bit frazzled right now from the sudden jolt back into things. And probably dehydration. And maybe low blood sugar. But I’m good now. Mostly”
Dare: Empty Names - 10 - Cleanup
She suspects those two hadn’t really needed saving themselves, but Glassheart had definitely made it easier for them to get those last two passengers out unharmed. And he’d looked amazing doing it, no matter which point of view she watched the feed from. The fluttering dress, the flowing wand motions, and that conjuration at the end. Goddess, now that was the sort of working that she’d only ever heard about. Having gotten to see it, even remotely, is almost enough to take the sting out of wishing that could have been her out there doing that, being even half that useful. Half that brave. Half that - dare she even think it? - that beautiful.
She indulges a self-deprecating chuckle. All this, all her… well her everything and now she finds herself wishing she could be like a guy. Well, to be fair, it’s one specific guy whom she would still be mistaking for a girl if someone hadn’t said something. Yeah, no one ever needs to know about that mixup. Seriously, of all people, she should know better by now than to assume. At least she’d realized her mistake before she actually said anything. That would have been mortifying.
Token: Empty Name - 17 - Embedded Media
She takes off her gloves, reaches into a cargo pocket on her pants, and fishes out a thin metal sheet, slightly longer and wider than her open hand with the fingers pressed together. A spiraling, branching mess of mutilated glyphs cover both sides, one for the incantation recording and one for the desired end effect.
Small, simple changes compounded over time. That’s the way to do it. Just alter one body part at a time, and control the speed of the ritual to keep the change gradual, only pushing further when it feels right.
She’d tried almost this exact same experiment a week back, and the change had lasted a solid twenty minutes after the ritual ended. Far longer than the seventeen seconds she got out of the full body attempt, but still shorter than what someone with proper training and experience could pull off and nowhere near permanent. Shortly after she started visiting Crossherd regularly she’d found an alchemist’s shop selling potions that claimed to do the same thing for a full day. Sure they’d only ever lasted about an hour for her, and that was before she built up a tolerance from drinking one every night for a month straight, but at least they never left her chest itching all the next day like her last experiment had. The effect on her psyche of seeing and feeling them wear off earlier and earlier until they barely did anything at all had probably been fuel for her current autogenesis issues though. But that’s what she’s fixing now. Hopefully.
The idea of tying the transmutive effect to an object was one she had been toying with even before the last mission, but seeing all those natural-born shapeshifters with their abilities tied to a token of some sort made her all that more confident that there was something to it. And if she has to carry around a veritable deck of enchanted metal cards everywhere she goes to keep a body that feels right, then that’s a small price to pay.
Having learned from past mistakes regarding sudden shifts in center of mass, Lacuna takes a cross-legged seat on the floor, clasps the metal card to her chest, activates the stored incantation, and focuses on the new reality she wants for her body.
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Day 5 of Turning me into Me
Today was a strange one, but it was positive. Today gave me another chance to feel my own strength and stand my ground; I visited my parents.
Here's some Saphi lore to give context as to why this was an important conversation. I originally came out as trans in 2018. I was out to my dear girlfriend and a handful of others knew I had some gender fuckery going on. But I was uncertain, I had doubts, so all I could do one day was squeak out the words "I think I'm trans" to my mum. There was such a mounting pressure inside of me, and finally being able to tell them felt good, but things didn't pan out all that well. "So you're a crossdresser" my mum would bark while we were walking dogs together, "If you had come out as gay, I would've been more prepared" she added. Sure, let me just throw away my long term relationship for your comfort shall I? My dad couldn't hold conversation with me. There was a frost forming in the air between us, and then at my sister's engagement party a few days later, he couldn't even look me in the eye. Every time I reached out to him, he would dive away. I felt so alone and left early, lied to my sister that I wasn't well. Then I retreated into the closet, my transess felt surpressed. I went into such a dark period of questioning. But I came out the otherside as the lovely transwoman you have before you.
This time around, my parents and family are the last to find out. My friends all call me by my new name, I'm out to my colleagues at work, I'm my beautiful trans self everywhere, but to them. I couldn't help but think of the worst scenario when daydreaming about coming out to them. If my dad avoided me then, how would he react now when I tell him of how sure I am of my femininity? Would my mum be 'more prepared' now? In this time I've tried to lay down breadcrumbs, slowly invite them in and the responses were sometimes worrying. My sister and her husband talking about kids having their genitals cut off, my dad scrunching up his face at the word non-binary, my sister asking if I have any snowflake friends. The worst was my mum. She wasn't transphobic or bigoted, but she acted in a way that fucking hurt. She was telling me about her friend who's daughter came out as transwoman, and how every time she sees a photo of her friend and her new daughter she make sure she comments on how her daughter is so happy and confident. I wished I could've felt joy at that, that my mum was turning a page but all I could think was: "where were you when I came out".
My parents find it so hard to let me think for myself. I've not lived with them for a while now but they still feel that they can have this sway on my life. I've taken to straight up lying about seeing mental health professionals so that they'd understand how I work, as someone who is neurodivergent and has ADHD, because their own child's word about their own feelings is apparently not good enough. Every time they'd say "you know where we are if you want to talk" I TRIED. I TRIED AND YOU PUT ME AT ARMS LENGTH. Then I told them the plainest and most powerful truth, that I saw my doctor about getting a referral for the gender services. That was so HAPPY that something positive was finally happening, that I was going to be figuring myself out. But of course, we know the reality is that I already know who I am and have already figured it out. I've drip fed them what I've learned about myself, my body and gender dysmorphia from a young age, the realisation now that my mind and body didn't match. My mum is a fatphobic and she always thinks I'm going through this because I'm a big girl, but I shut her down every time.
So, with all of that in mind, I spoke to my parents. I told them that I've received confirmation that I'm on the gender services. I told them I'm joining support groups (lie) and that I'm meeting people who have similar experience as me (lie)... They were supportive... They actually hugged me and in their old way actually said that they'd support me, as long as I feel like I'm doing the right thing by me.
Oh I am mum and dad, and I have been for a long time.
Love, your daughter
#saphi's journey#coming out#transgender#transfem#mtf trans#trans#girlslikeus#mtf#transisbeautiful#transition timeline#transfemme#transfem lesbian#transbian
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So this is for the people accusing Taylor Swift of being performatively progressive. It is not *necessarily* a defense of her actions or lack thereof of late, but I think that as a neuroatypical myself, this comes from my own experiences.
Someone pointed out recently that there’s a significant aspect of gamification to her fandom, and yeah, I see it. Everything from Eye Theory to the clock covers for the Midnights vinyl to her well-known fondness for Easter eggs speaks to this, and I think this is deliberate, but not quite for the purely capitalist reasons people think. I think it’s as much of a game for Taylor as it is for her fans.
And while she’s unquestionably one of the smartest people in the music business (same league as, who, Rihanna? Dylan? Donald Fagen? Weird Al?), she also seems very selective about what she applies those smarts to. She’s rumored to be quite shy away from the public. She’s also known to be a people pleaser, and that’s something that sometimes leads people to make less than great decisions about when to speak up about something. This is the personal aspect for me, because I can be the same way — as a confirmed spoonie of the emotionally underendowed type, I’ve definitely had too many moments where I should have spoken up but didn’t.
People run hot and cold about her, especially regarding the recent anti-trans backlash and the Matty Healy situation. (Which can be explained by him being a longtime friend and therefore her being unwilling to confront his shittiness, which is overstated but real.) From where I sit, her sitting out in political matters at the moment can be explained, as someone pointed out, by the real possibility that if she’s too overtly pro-LGBT+ the way she was in the Lover era, that her concerts could become targets for right wing terrorists; I hope this means that she’ll start stepping up after the tour is over and as the 2024 election draws closer, so I’ll give her a pass *for now.*
I’ve operated under the assumption for quite some time that Taylor is likely on the spectrum, capable of masking for public performances but with very limited emotional capital leftover when she turns it off. I think that’s what she was getting at in “Sweet Nothing” when she says
Industry disruptors and soul deconstructors
And smooth-talking hucksters out glad-handing each other
And the voices that implore, "You should be doing more"
To you, I can admit that I'm just too soft for all of it
If she is in fact neurodivergent, something that seems pretty obvious to me as a neurodivergent myself, she’s in the position of being a once-in-a-generation legend who can just about bear the stress but can’t do much more than she already is because she doesn’t have the spoons. We all know where she stands, and given her past track record I suspect she’s probably involved in some amount of low-key activism that we aren’t hearing about. I think we should back off the scrutiny until after the tour is over.
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Hello, how are you? If it's not too much trouble could I please request a Wrench x trans male reader? I've scoured the internet and haven't found one. Any premise and thank you if you do it
Hi!! Im doing okay!! Its never to much trouble, as a trans dude, i find it kinda upsetting that there are absolutely nothing for us!!! This might be a tad bit self indulgent but anyways, here we go!
YOUR BEAUTY NEVER EVER SCARED ME
WRENCH X TRANS!MALE READER
warnings : Fluff, Slight Angst, Wrench being a sweetheart, FEELINGS. SO. MUCH FEELINGS. Man look, y'all are just <3.
You and Wrench sat around the wooden table that sat infront of the tv in the hackerspace. Your favorite blanket wrapped around your body as the two of you watched some random movie and ate pizza. The rest of the gang had went out to either complete some small operation that they could take care of themselves or they just wanted to go off and do their own thing.
However, you weren't watching thr movie. You were watching Wrenchs movements and how he acted right then. Little did he know, you had a bunch of pent up feelings for him. Your little heart working overtime as you tried to rack your thoughts and maybe even try to let him know about these feelings. There was one thing though, none of dedsec know you were trans! Sitara had her suspensions but she wasnt going to accuse someone of being trans. You know the gang wouldnt hate you for it but you definitely hadnt had good experiences with telling people about it.
You were lost in your own thoughts, not realizing Wrench now sitting infront of you with his head tilited. "Y/N..? Earth to the boy on the moon? Y/N?" Wrenchs voice was echoed in your thought filled head before you finally blinked a few times. Oh. OH. HE WAS TALKING TO YOU. "W-what? What do you want?" You mumbled as you gently pushed wrenchs face away from your own, you could feel your cheeks start to burn from either embarrassment or the thoughts about being close to Wrench. "Want this last piece of pizza?" He asked with a soft chuckle before nodding towards the lone slice. Of course you wanted it! But at the same time you didnt want to move, you didnt have a binder on and you were already way too nervous. "Uh..no, its okay. Go ahead, mask boy" you joked before getting more comfortable in the blanket, covering yourself more. Wrench only shrugged, he wasnt oblivious..he just didnt have much to go on. He did notice the blushing and subtle flirting but also it all could be coincidental.
Wrench had his own feelings to try to understand too. He absolutely adored you, your voice..just everything about you. He wanted to tell you but he didnt like the thought of rejection. I mean who does. He decided he would think about all of this later, when you wernt sitting right next to him.
The masked man didnt realize you were looking at him yet, your cheeks a reddish color and your hand inching towards his own. When he did realize, he looked at you and smiled under his mask. Oh..oh you liked him. Wrench couldnt help but to laugh a little bit before laying his own hand on yours. "Wanna confess seomthing, pretty?" He asked as he leaned back a small bit and fixed his mask so that it was covering his full face. You couldnt help but to stutter for a second before nodding.
"Yeah, i uhm..i like you alot, wrench. I mean how can i not! Look at you.." you mumbled before sighing before looking the opposite way, somewhat nervous. Wrench however had slowly taken off his mask and placed it on the table before pulling you towards him. "You sure, pretty? You like someone like me?" He softly teased before placed his hand on your cheek, you couldn't do anything but nod. With that he pressed a small kiss to your cheek before pulling away from you. Thats when you had to tell him about you being trans. A secret for a secret.
"I like and trust you so much..that i would like to tell you something. Im trans. Female to male, that kinda thing. I havent told anyone but you and if thats a deal breaker..then fine" you explained as you kind of sank into himself and looked down at your lap. "I guessed so. I still adore you, Y/N. Look at you, so pretty. Everything about you, to your eyes to your feet. If you can like me..when this-" he motioned towards his eye "then surely youre more then loveable" he explained before pulling you towards him again and pressing a kiss against your lips. "Want to try this out? Me and you?"
"Of course, Reggie"
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The Iconic Matriarch
[Art by Kanesha Bryant from Thirsty Sword Lesbians: Advanced Lovers and Lesbians]
The Matriarch in Thirsty Sword Lesbians is one of my artistic prides and joys. I've created lots of comics, short stories and worked on several games. The Matriarch to me is a design stand out. I want to talk about the design of that playbook more specifically sometime but instead I just want to talk about the iconic for the playbook here.
The iconic here is an AU version of my OC Jillain Owlnight. Jill originated as a NPC character in a roleplay that was the adoptive mother of one of my partners OCs. I really loved her and so did she. Jillian was a lawyer who did her best to help people, she was a scrapy woman in independent practice and single just doing her best. Still she was wise, she loved magical stuff, was a big fan of birds and was did her best by her new kid.
She recurred in some other roleplays as a mother figure as a staple wink and a nod or as someone's lawyer. Eventually though, she was brought into Love Beyond The Holy Light, which was a webnovel I had been working on for a while as a powerful witch with an affinity for owls, a POV character and the mother of another POV character. This fantasy version of her was probably my most in-depth dive into her as a character. This and the following modern roleplay really finished the refinement of what this character was.
Jillian is a trans woman who lived a really hard life with bad parents, runs away from home and has fend for herself or is taken in by some magical bird, either way she is living a fairly different life than other kids. She gets a lot of skills because she needs to be all around good to survive and the lesbian falls in love with a girl, typically after years there is a sad break up, she goes through a flop era and gets her shit together when there is a kid in need that she had to care for. From there on Jill is a mega mom, she does everything for her kids and tries her best to make the world a better place. Maybe she slips up at one point, sells her morals for the kids safety or comfort but eventually turns around to do right by her kids.
Which brings us to this iconic AU version of Jillian. I wanted a version of her to do something new with less baggage. I think I said to just warrior her up at first but I was asked to provide a bit more detail and I suggested a bit more of a Sci-fiy kind of vibe. Kanesha then used the very little guidance to make this master piece. I don't know what they intended but clearly they took inspiration form the playbook too, where they gave Jillian mob boss vibes since one of the examples for The Matriarch is a mob boss. The amazing details were basically all their idea.
After getting it here is kinda how I picture everything about her working but this is just my headcanon, I hope people take her and do whatever their brains come up with for her. To me this version of Jillian runs a queer gang. Their all about bashing back and smashing the system. She is a very proud mom of her kids wearing stuff they made for her. Each color of bean represents a different kid she has taken under her wing. The eye patch was made by a sweet daughter of hers as well and the bracelets were gifts from her oldest daughter. She rips off the rich and gives back to the queers posing as a CEO or something to explain the luxuries her organization affords people.
Her family mechanic is her right hand in the mob, one of her older kids and her wife. Jillian has Been around from her experience living on the streets and traveling for jobs and warm food. Then she has In The Family due to her crime family being a known force that is not to be fucked with.
Anyway, that was my idea for the iconic here. Have you played The Matriarch, if you have what were they like? Do you have any ideas for one or been in a game with one? Did the Iconic art give you any ideas like it did for me? I'm also just always happy to hear about any TSL OC, let me know in the replies and stuff.
If you enjoyed this or anything else I've wrote, consider subscribing to my patreon to help me make more good lesbian and trans art. https://www.patreon.com/AlexisSara
#the matriarch#TSL#thirsty sword lesbians#Playbook#TSL OC#Thirsty Sword Lesbians OC#OC#Story OC#RP OC#TTRPG OC#TTRPG#Indie Art#Lesbian#Trans#Transbian#Jillian Owlnight#Love Beyond The Holy LIght#LBTHL#ttrpg#ttrpg design
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Hey I think you were a person I've seen dissect Serano's work pointing out the negative things said about trans mascs. I came across this post and while this quote seems positive toward trans mascs, stuff earlier in the article don't seem great but I'm worried I'm just hanging onto biases from her earlier work. Do you have thoughts?
https://at.tumblr.com/asterosian/704465315608870913/k1dj12qys9u7
Oof okay I have to admit I'm very biased against her, so reading this will be a challenge (also thanks, I think this is the kick I need to get back to reading Whipping Girl, knowing she's got another book out that may pertain to trans masculinity).
I'm gonna pull out some quotes from her article I feel pertinent to touch on, whether in agreement or not. This is gonna be long.
tl;dr She's still minimizing trans masculine issues, throwing AFAB folks under the bus, utilizing POC for her own end when she can, and is a hypocrite within the same page. And nonbinary folk don't exist.
So yeah, the coat of paint is new, but it doesn't really feel like her attitude towards nonbinary and masculine people have changed. And she tries to relabel rad fems as cultural fems. Which... no. Cultural feminism afaik has a totally different connotation now with lib fem than whatever it was in the 80's.
Some of the insights that I uncover in Sexed Up are pertinent to the aforementioned “perpetually male privileged” claims levied against trans women. In addition, they also shed light onto why bisexual women are analogously dismissed as “perpetually heterosexual privileged” in some of these same settings.
But men aren't also dismissed as heterosexually privileged if they're bi/pan/aro/ace? This is speculative, but I do thing that there are probably a lot more bisexual men out there who don't know because they've been taught to reject their attraction towards men their entire lives... not unlike how women are taught the same but women are also more encouraged to be in touch with their emotions. Men aren't.
This is a nitpick admittedly. Of course she's gonna focus on women, like how I focus on men. But idk, if I was actually writing for a general audience, I'd want to be as even-handed as possible.
I will also consider how said purity politics underlie recent debates between trans female/feminine and trans male/masculine communities.
Color me unexcited.
In Sexed Up, I discuss all these various forms of sexualization in depth and detail how they play out with regards to specific marginalized groups (e.g., people of color, people with disabilities, and LGBTQIA+ people, amongst others).
I'm highlighting this mostly because of my experience with Whipping Girl is ringing eerily similar to this article. Mainly in that Serano likes to reference work I don't have access to and just assumes she is right.
I'm thinking specifically on her assertations on Navajo gender identities and saying they are trans feminine actually (or something similar) and her source was like... another college educated white person who just so happened to be a dude. It's why I want to eventually go through my notes and read all her sources and do an annotated version of her book.
I just really don't trust her with identities outside of her own is what I'm saying. Maybe she's changed, but I don't have access to her new book atm, just this article (sorry I might read her other article she linked at the top later but not right now).
As an example, falsely smearing a marginalized individual as a “slut,” or “pervert,” or “faggot,” or “predator,” or “groomer” typically has little to do with finding them attractive and/or wanting to use them sexually, but has everything to do with invoking sexual stigma in order to defame, humiliate, or ostracize them.
I don't disagree with this bit. Though I'd throw off the word little because we can't know what's going on in someone's mind. It can be a complex mixture of it all in a gross, confusing slurry of unexpressed emotion.
This imagined “sexual corruption” is especially acute for minority women: If a billboard ad featured a white, cisgender, thin, able-bodied woman wearing a sexy outfit, many passersby wouldn’t even notice it, but if the model were Black, or transgender, or fat, or disabled, or some combination thereof, it might strike them as “sexually inappropriate.”
A really more straightforward example would've been porn stars. Actresses (esp white actresses) who have fucked black men tend to have lower prices attached to their work afterwards. I wish I remembered where I read that so I could link to it, but it's been awhile. And for me I think it makes sense logically. She's "corrupted" herself with another race or w/e. Stupid blatant racism but a very obvious example.
Even more obvious: the amount of women who get devalued for having an only fans and how their SO's are treated.
And if a person intentionally hurts or humiliates another person, we often call them a “dick.”
What does this have to do with penises being imbued with metaphysical powers in society?
While penises, and those who are attached to them, are not stigmatized themselves, they do seem to possess the ability to impart sexual stigma upon others. [Sexed Up, p. 164]
Once again, Serano cuts her own nose to spite her face. She tries to be even-handed while focusing on women, but as soon as she quotes her own work (hence the italics) we can see her laying down the blanket statement again.
Men are stigmatized for having sex. It's just not in the same way women are. And it's different depending on the specific sub-culture you're in. Sub-culture specifically because Serano, despite her claims otherwise, I will not believe is capable of looking past the US. That's my bias.
While a significant number of women commit acts of sexual violence, people tend to view these incidents as less serious and less harmful than similar acts committed by men — this is likely due to the imagined “lack of penis” required to initiate sex and to bestow sexual stigma upon the victim.
Oh good, I was worried she wouldn't talk about women committing acts of sexual violence.
For starters, gender and sexual minorities are often viewed as “sexually deviant” or “sexually deceptive” for our failure to comply with Predator/Prey’s roles and rules. As a result, people may view us as “marked by sex” — imbued with sexual stigma that others may fear they might “catch” from us, potentially being “turned queer” themselves in the process.
I don't disagree again. It's a bit thing, and I think part of that fear in some people is actually repressed sexual or romantic or gender specific identities. It's scary to be confronted with something you thought was a fact but might not be... and for a lot of those people, if they soul searched they'd find themselves happy with their identity as it is.
Anyway a good recent example of what Serano is talking about here is ROGD --- rapid onset gender dysphoria. The thing that people claim is turning all the girls trans.
It also explains why so-called “lesbian porn” made by and for straight men is not considered threatening. This genre typically portrays two women kissing and fondling one another, but the “real sex” doesn’t start until the male protagonist shows up (with his penis) to pronounce “can I join you ladies?”
What the fuck porn are you watching Serano? When I look up lesbian porn, the only dicks involved are strap ons. And this isn't like. Specialty stuff. It's fucking free on pornhub and xnxx.
I realize I'm outing where I watch porn here but whatever. One day I can afford to pay decently.
Okay then there's some talk about how for bi men they're seen as gay and bi women as straight (nb/agender people not invited), some gold star lesbianism and how penises are seen as corrupting. Glad she's pointing out the penis hatred in lesbian circles (rad fems called out? nice).
Hm then something about how bi women in relationships with other women are uniquely targeted with heterosexual privilege which just doesn't smell right to me but I can't put my finger on why.
when people start wielding terms like “privilege” (or “socialization”) in non-nuanced ways — and especially when they frame these as perpetual statuses that are impervious to change — the concern they are raising has little (if anything) to do with actual oppression or marginalization.
Really Serano? Where's the "doubt" meme because
Go read the full thing here; it's infuriating. Basically, she's saying the rise in the use of TME/TMA as rigid labels is because trans male and masculine folks are upset that they're so overlooked and are pushing back on the fact trans women actually get highlight even in issues that uniquely affect us (the amount of times I heard people complaining trans women don't need ObGyn visits so why are we trying to bring up trans people...)
Also the bs that AFAB trans people highlighting the F in their AGAB means that trans women must also highlight the M in their AGAB... like Serano if that was true and we need to coin flip this bitch all the time, well, why do your adherents hate the term transandrophobia so much?*
*this is actually a lot more nuanced and if prompted, I'll go into a deeper dive on why one group trying to emphasize their marginalized status a certain way doesn't mean the coin flip group has to mimic their behavior in any way but not right now. But if you want to hear my thoughts, I beg you, send me an ask. I'll Go Off.
And in my experience, lesbians who are suspicious of trans women are usually suspicious of bi+ women as well, and vice versa.
Name. Them. They're rad fems Serano. It won't hurt you to admit it.
Okay, she goes on a thing about cultural feminism. I'll bookmark that to read later I think. It's already 1:30. I've spent 30 minutes reading and responding after spending an hour trying to dethaw my lock to get inside after work.
Most radical feminists were careful to identify the male role rather than maleness as the problem.
This is a quote pulled from the article Serano links about cultural feminism. I hate to tell Serano this (I don't) but this... things have fucking changed since the 1980's. Radical feminists now very much blame men for the problem, not just their maleness. That's why there's so much overlap with TERFS! They're literally rad ems!!!
Serano then goes on to talk about how they call themselves radical feminists and thus TERFs and it's like... what distinction are you trying to make here? This is worthless except to make me angry!
Cultural feminists sometimes collaborate with social conservatives and the far-right on certain issues — most notably, their anti-trans, anti-pornography, and anti-sex-work positions.
I don't understand her resistance to calling them radfems. They are radical feminists. Even if in the 1980's it was something different, it's been 40 fucking years. We didn't have smartphones or accessible cellphones back in the 80's. Get with the fucking program.
Blah blah stuff we already recognize about how radfems see trans women as inherently predatory and dangerous because they got penises. Nobody I know argues against that.
Okay yes, here we are talking about trans men.
Cultural feminist views of trans male/masculine people are more complex and varied.
Yep, this is why we should have our own word, to better discuss these complexities separate from mere misogyny or transmisogyny. There's an inherent overlap with being once seen as a woman/girl and "choosing" to become more masculine, whether you're actually nonbinary or fully male.
Gender traitors, lesbians escaping the patriarchy, groomed by TRAs. Check, check, check. Irreversible Damage, oh that's an easy ---
And who is supposedly doing this “seducing”? Trans female/feminine people, of course.
Do you here the tires of my brain screeching? I'm shocked my ears aren't bleeding. They actually popped. Just. Holy shit, the presumption.
What about ROGD Serano? The thing Irreversible Damage is about? The thing that "spreads" across "girl" groups? "AFAB" groups? Where are the trans women in this Serano? Do you want my ears to pop?
Okay, okay, five minutes and I've calmed down. I'll let Serano finish.
Another “gender critical” author, Kathleen Stock, has remarked that, “The autogynephilia tail is wagging the puberty-blocking dog,” adding that, “many of the loudest (partly because male) voices policing critical discussion of the treatment of ‘trans’ kids barely disguise their autogynephilia.”
Oh, so one other TERF author blamed it on the trans women. So because of that, you ignored other sources talking about it spreading across "girl" groups. As in AFAB. As in not trans women. Okay. My jaw does not hurt from clenching right now.
In their imaginations, “transgender” is a “sexually deviant and predatory man,” and “children” are conceptualized as safe, pure, and vulnerable “girls” who are in danger of being “corrupted” by a “male-borne” sexual “contagion.” It’s Predator/Prey thinking writ large.
Yeah, I wonder why the general public only think trans women exist (general public, not the public with young trans people coming out as their sons or daughters). It doesn't have anything to do with your hyper-visibility that trans men were complaining about and you defended those trying to shut them up with TME labels despite it going against what you wrote in this very article???
Here’s another way of framing this “gender critical”/cultural feminist perspective: Trans female/feminine people are viewed as inherently “contaminating” (we “corrupt” those we come into contact with), whereas trans male/masculine people are viewed as merely “contaminated” (i.e., they’ve been “corrupted” by someone else). As a result, the latter may be “redeemable,” at least to some extent or in certain cases.
The emphasis (bold) is mine.
And here's the crux of my issue with Serano. She absolutely refuses to let go of the idea that trans women are not the most oppressed actually and there's a lot of give and take where sometimes trans women as a group might come out on top. Not that it matters in the long run because it all washes out compared to the cis world around us but she won't even entertain the idea. She has to make sure that we know that trans men and masculine people (in her view, AFAB people) aren't as oppressed as trans women/feminine people (in her view, AMAB people). And her putting masculine/male doesn't erase her total lack of a nonbinary perspective.
Cultural feminists also tend to view trans male/masculine people as relatively “safe” given that they are supposedly “innately female” and “lacking” the organ that imparts sexual stigma (and perpetrates sexual violence) upon other people.
This went with the above quote. I'm just pulling it out to show how she treats transandrophobia like its a good thing/privilege (but god forbid trans men act like trans women's visibility is a privilege because there's so many drawbacks---yeah like there is for being seen as "safe").
On the trans male/masculine spectrum, there can be a similar temptation to appease cultural feminists’ notions of “purity” and “safeness.”
She also looks down on trans women who emphasize their post op status btw. She just really does not like hyper feminine trans women (see my videos where she complains about movies with hyper femme trans women), and she does not like trans men not entirely divorcing themselves from their AGAB. How dare we I guess?
Sorry that I was born and raised a girl and I still see my younger self as a girl. I'm not you Serano. I'm not going to act like my growth as a trans person is a model for everyone else and thus invalidate all nonbinary identities.
Whether intentional or not, these sorts of appeals tend to reinforce the idea that AMAB people (such as trans women and trans femmes) are indeed “dangerous” and should be excluded.
Talking about trans men "playing up the F in AFAB" to access women spaces. Please someone send me an ask about this specifically so I have an excuse to go off tomorrow after work.
At the start of this essay, I brought up “recent debates between trans female/feminine and trans male/masculine communities.”
Okay awesome I'm ready. I'm not reading the linked article tonight, maybe I will if asked, but for now it's 2 AM.
So suffice it to say that some of the disagreements I’ve seen seem to stem from this imagined AFAB “vulnerability” and “safeness,” and imagined AMAB “contamination” and “dangerousness.”
Emphasis (bold) mine.
Imagined vulnerability.
Serano making me throw up in my mouth at 2 AM.
And as usual, it’s the supposedly “contaminated” group (in this case, trans female/feminine people) who gets accused of being “oppressive” in some way or other.
Sure am glad that she chose not to go into specifics! Give us concrete examples please!
On more than one occasion, I have seen trans male/masculine people of color point out that this notion of “inherent AFAB safeness” is not generally extended to them.
But, notably, not the vulnerability. Just want to point that out. Trans MOC are just as vulnerable if not more so by fact of being men of color. White women hold so much power over them in public spaces.
It should be clear by this point that we must purge these cultural radical feminist frameworks from our minds.
Fixed that for you. Stop trying to label them something new.
When you embrace the fact that the world sees you as “dirty” and “contaminated,” you make different art, and you gravitate toward different forms of activism.
I'm still not following links outside the article, but I don't disagree with this statement. You'll be seeing some of my own work related to this later next year.
'Being a freak] made me suspicious of appeals to “purity” and “safety” (after all, what feels “safe” to some people may in fact be “dangerous” to others).
Would it surprise you Serano I have trouble feeling safe around women?
She also stops on the different art after talking about how in your face her poetry used to be. This is something else I really want someone to send me an ask about. I'm begging you.
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Okay so like here's the thing right, I've learned that I hold a sort of envy for an individual who's life I would never want to live. She very much threw her life away but at least she knew what she wanted. She got to be trans because she didn't work a job, so she could be as out as she wanted without consequence given that her family was fine with it. She could get on HRT, hell even my family supported her and took her shopping for clothes and the like; things my family wouldn't accept the same for me because I'm "their son." Though if that's all it was, that'd have been fine; no the issue came when she picked up hard drugs, had a relatively successful few polyam relationships; something I've only known a few times in my life and something I'll likely never know again. Once more I must state if she avoided the horrible ego death from so much LSD she can't think straight anymore, she'd have been fine. She even started producing, I'll say; honestly kinda decent music? It started to resemble music, but then remember; the acid, the LSD, the shrooms; it was never enough. She didn't have to survive like I did, she had a luxury of her boyfriend and her family being able to support her, she could still mask well while on HRT until she could pass so even when she had to get a job it wasn't too challenging for her; she even lived in a place where that sort of thing is a lot more accepted, so you know; not where I'm living now lol.
At the end of the day I lost my friend not in death, but in that she became someone completely different and we drifted apart, because the drugs just got to her; she'd become almost hostile if you didn't want to try them too; if you weren't willing to experience the world she had seen.
Yet I was always envious of her ability to just do whatever she wanted without a care. I'd never want to live her life; but the things she had were things I wanted, I just didn't know at the time. I think above all however, the fact that I realized I was trans so late.
Many of my friends will respect that I'm NB but it's fairly clear how I'm viewed, I'm not seen as a genderless or multi-gendered entity; rather I'm viewed as NB - Male. It's clear I'm still a man to most of them, as well as to the world at large. Coming to terms with the fact that while no, I don't believe I fit into the binary, I feel such envy towards my old friend because people actually respected her as a woman, there was no need to clarify, barter, or remind people. Even those of us who had known her for years prior to the transition.
I on the other hand have to fight to even be seen as anything other than a man, let alone non-binary. To be seen as a woman is so far fetched to me it feels impossible. If I started HRT I know what would happen, I wouldn't pass well enough, my voice or general genetics would easily give away that I'm trans; and living where I do, working the kind of jobs I do, that's not going to fly. I wouldn't remotely be safe to do it. That's even if I could get through all the paperwork and doctors necessary to sign off for me to even get on HRT in the first place.
I've come to the realization that if I'm going to be viewed as any gender I'd rather that be a woman than a man; but that in reality I'm just feminine leaning; I don't wish to be one or the other exclusively in it's entirety.
I am left wondering if my desire for change doesn't stem from a sort of disapproval from those I care about. I want to be seen as I am by them; even if it means I have to change my physical appearance to make that happen. I hear the way they speak of others, including other NB individuals; never failing to use proper pronouns; until it comes to me. Then it somehow becomes an issue; then it somehow becomes confusing.
I don't want to be rude to the people I care about, I don't want to be off-putting and "correct" them. I guess I'm just tired of not feeling respected or seen or understood.
One of the main reasons I kept to myself about being trans was because I watched how my family treated my friends, always making sure to be accommodating; using the right pronouns, bothering to actually help them transition; and then seeing how they reacted to me even remotely mentioning that I was questioning my gender. Or how they reacted to me being pan, refusing to accept either; telling me I've never "slept with a man so how do I know?" Only to become enraged when I told them I have, several times; and that I even had a few boyfriends in the past.
I've learned that others are allowed to be things that I am not, more often than not I don't even feel like I get to be me; rather I'm just whatever others want me to be when they want me to be it. I exist for others, be it at work or at home or wherever. I don't even know what I want anymore because I've spent so long being someone else for everyone else.
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