experiencing girlhood is to watch
to be a child and watch your mother pinch at her stomach in the mirror
the look of disgust peering back at her
as you gaze with eyes of awe
you believe she’s the most beautiful woman in the world
if she’s so beautiful
and disgusted
who are you to peer with gentle eyes at yourself?
experiencing girlhood is to watch
to gaze at your best friend of many years
and see as she sobs over a man
who didn’t know how to show love
and as she picks herself up
and goes running into his arms again
knowing you’ll be holding her and playing with her hair again in days
experiencing girlhood is to watch
as you gaze at yourself in the mirror
eyes puffy
tears running down
to practice contorting your face to look elegant as you cry
for who are you to experience agony and heartbreak and ugliness?
the yearn and desire to be a beautiful crier
to experience girlhood is to watch
glancing at your father
as he tells you stories of the unspeakable things he had done years prior
time has made him view his cruel actions as simple anecdotes
but what makes you different from the people he had hurt?
who says he won’t hurt you in the same way?
years later you realize
that despite your laughter
and detachment of the understanding that the person telling you the story and your father are the same person
that he had hurt you
to experience girlhood is to watch
your sibling’s eyes are hollow
who you had given wet willys to
and placed band-aids upon
remembering being a child
their face lighting up as you both were given 5 dollars and free reign of the toy aisle
not seeing the light anymore
not seeing the joy
and knowing they had grown up and been hardened
just as you had
and just had their mother
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