12/15/17

I have the rest of my final exams tuesday and im stressed but at the same time over it. Belen and cesar are always on and off. Im poor AF. And depressed. I jsut want to be alone all the time and have been sleeping a lot. Theres this pit in my stomach that tells me ill always be alone. I have been breaking out super bad so im dont eating sugar until new years to give my skin a break. Im slightly irritated at everyone and everything. But God is so good for giving me everything I need when I need it. I just saw that nicholas is going to cru winter conference. Makes me happy that i am not going because my skin is so bad. I know that shouldnt matter but it does. Im Glad hes doing something God related. I went to the cru christmas party and that was fun. I binge ate so much and actually ended up purging 30 min before the party ended. I then became sad and lonely. I saw this girl Alanna and she had a rubber band and was slapping it against her arm and i tried making small talk but it was awkward but i could see her hurting. so after the party i ended up messaging her and i opened up to her a bit so she wouldn't feel awkward and she was super nice and open about everything so i hope we become friend because shes having a hard time. I went to nick klarnars 21st that jeff and joe invited me to. it was a good time and after bonding with them all after cru while playing sardines i really like them all. I hope we all stay good friends. I saw the botanical gardens with chelsea, it was freezing but was such a good time. ive been having a really good time with becky lately. our last bible study consisted of us watching cheesy christmas movie and then for secret santa in action gorup i had her and so i got her a reindeer mug and fuzzy socks and some lotion. I really love tasha and becky a lot they make my day a lot. kenna got me a dog mug that says feliz naughty dog haha it was cute. I had a bit of a break down a few days ago ive just been feeling irritable and i ended up cutting myself. only like 14 small cuts so its not that bad because they are small. Ive been binging and purging again but i plan on that ending. Idk if i mention this but nicks gf tried adding me on instagram. Its still pending and maybe one day i will accept it but who knows. I also just stalked james moore on Instagram and twitter. He has a new girl. I stalked her too. she is still in highschool i think from what im gathering. shes very pretty and its weird. His tweet from yesterday said hes been feeling suicidal and i want to reach out but i cant keep being the only one who doesnt move on. He doesnt love me or even like me and im just a nuisance. Besides this new girl should be helping him its a weird feeling seeing the guys i liked move on. I want to help them but its not my place. insurance is now under my mom and stress about my family and everything has been too much. i dont want to go home but at the same time i do. i borrowed christian $200 but he will pay me back next thursday. Everything lately seems like a bit too much and i hope i can snap out of it. All i know is the depression is always there and it holds me back and i wish i didnt feel this way but thats okay. i cleaned my room and the apartment today so im trying to be in a better mood. Im lonely and christian is too clingy. my lowest weight so far has been 150. how exciting is that. I need to work on weight lifting bcuz ive just been doing cardio for my skin. I plan on coming home after 2 weeks of break so i can make more money donating plasma. i may also have to get my wisdom teeth removed. It is belens last semester at harding and she got a new house so she lives far away. I miss her but  at the same time i just want to isolate myself. I cant wait for new years. New year, new me, right? haha lets all laugh as i go into the new year with the same depression and without a guy. I hope 2018 is the year of healing and love. *fingers crossed*