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spicyjellyace · 1 year

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how to be confident in 4 steps

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Look at me. Look at me and tell me that I'm the hottest person you've ever seen. I'm not, right? Because that's not true. And maybe... I don't suit your standards. Maybe... you don't think I'm the hottest person alive — you don't even think I'm hot. Maybe you think I'm mid, or ugly, even. But do I care that you don't think I'm the hottest person alive?

No, because that opinion does not affect my day-to-day life, but I think that I'm the hottest person alive, and that's all that matters.

Hi, I'm Gloss, and today I will teach you four steps to becoming delusionally confident. But before I continue, I have to tell you that I do have a script that I will be glancing at, just so I don't go off track and ensure that I hit all the points.

Alright. Let me just adjust the window. Okay. Alright. So anyway, just to give you an overview of how confident I am, I can spin any insult into a compliment. If you tried to insult me, I would only be flattered. Why? Because that means you observed me enough to find my flaws. Either when it comes to my appearance or my personality. Oh you think that I have bad teeth?

That means that you stared at my mouth enough to notice my bad teeth because I have mastered speaking in a way that conceals my bad teeth. I've gotten so good at it that if I point it out to even people that I've known for years, they get surprised. So if you notice that I have bad teeth in a short period of time, you know what that tells me?

You were looking at my mouth — for an extended period of time, and that's flattering to me... why? You could have used that time to do something else. But what did you do though? What did you do with that time? You stared at my freaking mouth. You deemed staring at my mouth a worthwhile activity over many other things.

Or if you call me an attention seeker, what am I gonna say?

I agree! And the fact that you pointed that out tells me that I grabbed your attention... therefore, I succeeded! And I'm not just saying this out of my a**. It's genuinely difficult to insult me because I've programmed my brain to flip any insult into a compliment, or better yet, ignore it.

This is a video that my IRLs have been bugging me to make. "Please make a video about confidence! You would help so many people," and I'm like, "Why? There's so many videos out there on charisma and confidence," but I guess there's no harm in adding another perspective to the conversation, right? So let's start. How do you become deliriously confident?

STEP ONE is to shed any and all desire for external validation. And yes... this is the hardest part. It took me years to even get to a point where I was comfortable with even just the idea of disregarding other people's opinions, where it didn't feel like a sin. Now, I've gotten to a point where I genuinely don't care.

A common example is I'll put in AirPods while I'm out on my daily morning walk, and sing along to my heart's content. Maybe even do a little dance. People will stare, sometimes give me weird looks, but do I care? I don't care. Why? Because they don't freaking know me. I don't freaking know them. We don't freaking know each other.

And above all else, their opinion of me isn't gonna affect my future in any way whatsoever. This is just one example out of many, but back to the topic, why is it important to shed all and any desire for external validation? I talked about this to my friend recently, and the reason why it's important is because living life and doing things, even with the slightest hint of a desire for external validation creates a cognitive dissonance in your head.

This will make more sense once we get to step two, but essentially, when you have even just the tiniest desire to gain external validation, and it doesn't matter from who — strangers, someone you're romantically involved with, family, friends — once you have some desire to win external validation, it creates a cognitive dissonance in your self-concept.

"Which one is the person that I am? And which one is the character I develop to win external validation?" Why is this a problem? Because it contradicts step two: developing extreme self-awareness. But before I proceed to step two, let me tell you the HOW of shedding the desire for external validation. This is something that I have successfully taught many friends, and this is something that I have, of course, mastered myself.

Think of it this way: You won't be scared of being judged if you don't judge other people. I'm gonna paint you a scenario so that this makes sense. Growing up, my parents have always been very image-centric, particularly my mom. She would not let us leave the house looking even just the slightest bit unkempt.

We had a separate set of clothes for going out and staying in, and while that's normal, she was almost obsessive about setting the two apart. She always wanted us to look put-together when we left the house, and her reasoning for this was always, "What would other people think?" There lies your problem.

While I will acknowledge that there's absolutely nothing wrong with seeking external validation and fearing rejection, I unfortunately also have to make it clear that dissolving this desire is key to untouchable self-confidence. I understand that the need for validation and the fear of rejection is the reason humans have even gotten this far, and why society has developed drastically.

Back in the day, your actions and existence had an effect on whether you would survive or not, as rejection from the tribe would mean you would have to survive by yourself in dire conditions. Innovations and discoveries such as finding food or discovering fire, wowed the group, won you approval and elevated your social status. This goes on incrementally, until we get to the point where we are today.

That is something that is hardwired in our monkey brain, so I'm not gonna demonize people who wanna conform, seek validation, or fear rejection.

That's not a bad thing, okay? However, unfortunately, if you wanna be untouchable in your level of confidence, you need to get rid of that... and that's why you're here, right?

Okay. Back to the scenario. My mom always wanted us to be perfectly put-together. If we were to be in the presence of other people [from] outside the household, so this doesn't just include times when we would leave the house, but also when people were visiting.

So I would find myself thinking, "Why do other people's perception of me matter that much?" That was something that always plagued me, even before I started this journey, I always wondered, "Why the hell does it matter what other people think?" And then growing up, I started to notice that my mom was extremely judgmental.

I don't say this derogatorily either. It was just her state of being. She would notice and point out the littlest things that I wouldn't even catch, or frankly, give two s**ts about. And I'm not saying that being observant is a bad thing, but what I noticed in her pattern of behavior, and a recurring theme, especially in insecure people or people with low self-esteem, is that... they like to watch other people — not in a curious way, but to find their "flaws".

"Flaws" in quotes here, because a lot of these things in the grand scheme of the universe are really irrelevant. As a result of watching other people so closely in this manner, they develop a fear of being perceived the same way. So if you want to shed the desire for external validation... (verbal drumroll) you must stop thinking that your validation matters to other people, unless it is explicitly asked for.

When you go out in public, stop looking for and reacting to things that you see that are weird TO YOU. The world does not revolve around you, and that's a good thing. If you go out in public and you see someone wearing a shirt with a hole in it or mismatched socks, don't hyperfixate.

Don't give that person the time of day wondering why they're wearing something out of the ordinary, because it doesn't matter. Or if you see someone with weird toes, screw it. Right? Why are YOU staring? Their foot still works, right? What does it have to do with YOU if someone's body, or clothing, or way of self-expression is different from what you deem normal? Stop judging other people.

I have personally become unobservant and indifferent to things that do not concern me, that I won't even notice when people look weird or act weird — someone else has to point it out to me, and even then, usually my response is, "Why does it matter?" Right? If it doesn't affect me and nobody's harmed, nobody needs help, why the hell does it matter?

Why should it take up space in my limited working memory when I could be dedicating that time, energy, and attention to other valuable thoughts and prospects? When you stop letting irrelevant things bother you — and not in an apathetic way, more like indifference... weird shirt, who cares? Imperfect skin, who cares?

Clashing outfit, who freaking cares? Another step that you can take is to start doing things that you don't usually do. For me, remember that scenario I told you about my mom never letting us mix our outside and inside clothing together? It's a small thing, but I started wearing inside clothes outside and vice versa.

I started with baby steps — I would wear my pajamas to the convenience store, and then to the fast food place, and then eventually started doing it at the mall and other places where it would be considered "weird". But then eventually I just realized... clothes are freaking clothes! As long as they do their job, and as long as your bits are covered, no one cares!

Sure, you'll get the occasional double take or even a weird stare, but they won't remember you forever. Okay? They'll probably talk about you to their friends or family or post about seeing someone in pajamas in public as a one-time thing, but that's it.

And if it goes beyond that... that's not your fault! It's not your fault their lives are so uninteresting that they still think about a stranger looking or doing something weird a year, or even just a week after they witnessed it. So I just started wearing pajamas everywhere. Hang out at Starbucks? Show up in pajamas. Sing at the karaoke? Show up in pajamas. Grocery shopping? Show up in pajamas!

Who cares, right? Let's tie that into the main point. Now, because I have shed the desire to seek validation and approval, every action I do or choice that I make is because I WANTED to. When I DO dress up and do my makeup and get glammed, it's no longer because I'm seeking validation, but rather because I FELT like it.

I WANTED to. So there's no longer that cognitive dissonance of "Who is Gloss?" and, "Who is this person I'm trying to project onto the world?" because now, they've merged into one person. The person that I'm trying to present and the person that I am are now one, and that makes my self-concept rock solid. They do not clash, so I don't have an internal struggle.

I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not, because people know me as how I truly am. There's no longer that cognitive dissonance of "Who the h*ll am I?" Which leads us to...

STEP NUMBER TWO: self-awareness. There are many ways to define self-awareness, but the most succinct way I can define it is to know yourself down to the nitty gritty.

Know where you suck, and decide whether to accept it or improve on it. There's nothing wrong with having pride in the things that you excel at — your good traits, your good characteristics. There's no harm in that.

I believe it's also important to know what you're good at and be aware of what you bring to the table, because this way you're able to maximize your potential and achieve self-actualization.

BUT! People seem to downplay the advantage of knowing your weaknesses, because when you know your weaknesses, NO ONE CAN HOLD THEM AGAINST YOU.

When you know what you suck at, and have made the executive decision to either accept them as a part of you or work on them, they can't be held against you, because like for example, "Yeah, I can't dance. How does that make me a worse person?" Or, "Yeah, I can't dance, but at least I'm taking classes and I'm doing something about it. What are you doing to improve yourself? Are you even a good dancer? If you are, shouldn't you be helping me improve rather than making fun of me?"

This mindset comes naturally as a result of shedding the desire for validation. Now, I do things to become a better person FOR ME, rather than for the purpose of impressing others or conforming to society. Now, I'm not saying that you should stop at self-awareness and no longer work on yourself. Personally, I'm always trying to be a better person, but I believe it's also important to prioritize what traits to improve on first.

An example for me is I have prioritized the need to build habits because I cannot stick to a routine. So it's what I'm actively working on at the moment. Everything else is in the back seat. I know they're there. But they're not of utmost importance because self-improvement is a process. I cannot become an amazing person overnight.

So being aware of what you suck at is the first step to self-awareness and consequently, self-improvement. This applies to all aspects of your life, physical, mental, emotional, et cetera. For accountability's sake, I will point out my flaws and actual insecurities. For starters, I have bad teeth, right? Like I mentioned earlier, although I'm not exactly insecure of that, I've learned to accept that, and to some extent I feel like it's even part of my charms, but that's a conversation for another day.

Another thing is I procrastinate often, and that is also something I'm working on alongside building habits. Some of my insecurities include my hooded eyelids because I think they drag my face down, and my nose because I wish it was more defined, but I don't ruminate on those things. I don't ruminate on the things that I consider "flaws", because at the end of the day, I know that I'm still a good person, and these so-called flaws do not deplete my worth.

So self-awareness shifts your perspective from seeing your flaws as a bad thing into things that you can either accept or change.

STEP THREE: Have a personal brand. This is a step I pride myself in because I have taught this to many of my close friends and it has worked... TREMENDOUSLY. One of the friends whom I gave this advice to went from someone who rarely left their home to someone who parties often and meets new people all the time.

Another friend I taught this to told me that they found peace in their daily life because they no longer had to concern themselves with the opinions of others. As you can see, dear viewer, confidence manifests itself in many different ways. People tend to think that extroverts are confident and introverts are shy, but that's not the case.

So Gloss, what the h*ll is a personal brand? Here. Choose a trait, or a set of traits. These have to be non-physical, at least while you are in the process of building your self-confidence. Even just one trait, or if you choose several, the traits have to be related to each other. Pick a trait or a set of traits that you pride yourself in.

If you can't think of one, make one. It can be something you personally notice within yourself or something that other people point out. So for one of my friends, she always got told that she looked expensive, so I told her. "Okay. Maybe you can use that because people already perceive you as that. You just have to lean into it."

This is different from performing for the purpose of validation, because rather, you are playing into a role that has already been assigned to you, and hijack it to your advantage. I told her, "Now you have to see yourself as someone luxurious." She was like, "What do you mean someone luxurious?"

I said, "People think you're expensive. People think you're luxurious, so you're gonna start thinking of yourself as a high-value commodity. No, not an object. Rather, believe and embody that your presence is a luxury."

She said, "How?"

I told her, "Everytime you're around other people, instead of wondering if you're bothering them or wasting their precious time... start believing: 'Because my presence is a luxury, everyone I meet is lucky that they even get to spend time with me.'"

The key to establishing a solid personal brand is to not base your perception of yourself on comparisons. Notice how I never told her to think I'm more *blank* than these people, or I'm the most *blank* person in the room. It's not that! The phrase is, "Being with me is a luxury. Having me around is a privilege."

Does it mean I'm the smartest or hottest person in the room? NO! Rather, it is establishing that your value as a person is immutable regardless of the circumstances you find yourself in. If your confidence stems from comparison, it WILL falter. Sure, it can work, but it's not sustainable.

There will always be someone smarter, someone more good-looking, someone more eloquent. Adversely, there will always be someone less smart, less good-looking, less articulate. This kind of confidence fluctuates and is fragile. You don't want that. You want to be certain that no matter who you're with, your worth stays the same.

So I told this friend, "No matter who you're with, no matter if you are with freaking Angelina Jolie... remember that your presence is a luxury and a privilege — EVEN to people like her. Do not compare yourself to other people. If Anne Hathaway walks into the same room you are in, it doesn't mean you're suddenly less attractive. Now, there's just two gorgeous people in the room."

This is what we call your personal brand.

My personal brand... there's a physical aspect to it. However, I assume if you are watching this, you may be a little insecure. Your self-concept is not solid. Your self-esteem is easily knocked down, so I would recommend for your personal brand to revolve around non-physical traits. That way they're intangible. However, mine works for me as I have mastered the art of confidence.

For me, my personal brand is simple: I'm hot and I'm smart. Pretty straightforward, right? How did I build this brand?

For the hot aspect, I realized that... hot is a state of mind. Literally — if I'm in pajamas, my hair is messy, I'm sweaty from working out — it doesn't matter. TO ME, I'm always hot. My attractiveness doesn't fluctuate based on how I look. Whether I'm dressed up or down, glammed up or bare-faced. Rather, it's just my state of being. It's me. I'm just hot.

In my eyes, I will always be attractive, and because I have made that my personal brand, YOU CANNOT CHANGE MY MIND. I don't care about other people's opinions regarding that because it's MY personal brand. Think of brands, as in corporate brands. For example, McDonald's. "I'm lovin' it." That's their branding, right?

Anyone from anywhere will recognize it. They probably have it in different languages in different countries, but the central message remains the same. "McDonald's: I'm lovin' it." It doesn't matter if one or five or even a hundred people say they disagree with that slogan and they say they hate McDonald's.

"Oh, I'm not lovin' it. I'm hating it." It doesn't matter to McDonald's! McDonald's doesn't care that you disagree with their branding. They will continue to embody that slogan and present themselves as a store with food that people love. "I'm lovin' it" has, is, and will continue to be a part of their brand. The same applies to you.

So for me, my personal brand is that I'm hot and I'm smart. I already discussed how I established thinking that I'm hot earlier. So now for the smart part, it's just that, growing up I was always told I'm smart, and I'm a fast learner, so similar to my friend's "luxurious" personal brand that I talked about earlier, it's a trait that I simply leaned into.

My personal brand is an example of both picking a trait that society has assigned to you and leaning into it, and choosing a trait that you would like to embody. It doesn't matter how many people disagree and insult me, or how many times I get broken up with... you cannot change my mind. TO ME, I'm hot and I'm smart, and that's that — hence my opening statement.

I could get acne, I could lose my job, I could become dirt poor, my family could disown me, my body could change the way it looks, my physical appearance could change, my theoretical partner could break up with me, all the bad things and worst-case scenarios could happen to me, and I would STILL be hot and smart.

This is something you CANNOT take away from me because that's my personal brand. It is unchanging despite the circumstances I find myself in.

Finally, STEP FOUR: (we're nearing the end) Realize that it is a process and that it WILL continue to be a process. I'm gonna be realistic here. Am I 100% confident all the time?

Do I just NEVER get insecure? NO! That would be a lie! I have mastered spinning insults into compliments, yes, but do I have moments of weakness? Is there a small chance that... in the right circumstance, insults still get to me sometimes? Maybe. Do I still feel awkward when I sing out loud in public and someone stares at me weirdly? Maybe.

Like I mentioned earlier, when I go on my morning walks, I love singing at the top of my lungs at the highway, while my AirPods blast music into my ears at max volume. Who cares, right? People won't hear me. I'm not harming anyone because people don't live near the highway and there's just so much open space that chances are no one can hear me for miles, but sometimes while I do that, I'll encounter someone and get a double take — not the good kind, which I recognize cuz I'm not stupid — and for a split second, for a split second, I'm like, "Holy s**t, that's weird. They definitely think I'm weird," but then I remind myself, "Does it freaking matter? Do I really need their approval?"

Go back to STEP ONE.

I don't want their validation. I shouldn't freaking care. That's the monkey brain talking. So what if they think I'm weird? I'm having the time of my life. I have an endorphin rush, I'm getting my steps in, I'm not hurting anyone. If anything, THEY'RE the weirdo for not minding their own business. So... even if I get moments like that, I remind myself, "Screw it."

Remember that you are NOT perfect. You will NEVER be perfect. And it is a CONTINUOUS process. Those are the four steps to becoming deliriously, confident and untouchable.

To recap...

STEP ONE: Shed all and any desire for external validation.

STEP TWO: Develop extreme self-awareness.

STEP THREE: Establish your personal brand.

STEP FOUR: Acknowledge that it is a continuous process. I hope that this helps you, and if you want me to talk about other subjects, please feel free to drop suggestions in the comments below. If I feel like I have enough experience in the subject and I can give valuable insight, then I will make a video about it.

But if I don't, I will not. I don't wanna participate in conversations I'm not qualified to speak on, and add unnecessary noise to the marketplace of discourse. Alright! I hope you gained something from this. That's it for today. Thank you so much for watching, and I'll see you soon.

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