#see like im crying right now and fucking for what. nothing even happened. i jsut feelso bad about it where does it fucking come from
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we were just playing with each other in bed like little kids. tickling each other, he showed me posts he sent me on Instagram and we laughed at stupid shit posts. then he just switched. and i meant nothing, not even a friend. i dont know why hes like this to me now. he doesnt see it. he doesnt care. im in so much pain. from the little things to thr bad things, they all add up. they all feel like stabs in my chest. i wake up everyday feeling depressed because the man sleeping next to me might wake up happy to see me, but he might also wake up wishing i werent there. i think this is starting to affect my health. i cant fall asleep at night because my ming is racing with thoughts on how hes cheated, how he doesnt like me, how he doesnt love me, he doesnt find me attractive, he treats me horribly but doesnt see how. once i do fall asleeo i never want to wake up, i dread everyday because hes my life and he doesnt want me. everything he does consumes my mind and that may sound pathetic but its just the way it is. my head always hurts. im noticing that my stomach only hurts when hes around. i just want him to love me. i dont know whats wrong with me. ive never been this kind of girl. hurting herself and her life over a boy. i had dreams. i was smart. i had friends.i was going to go to college in new york and finally break out of my shell and go party and date different boys and girls but never settle because im young and focusing on myself and this sounds so cliche but it's true FUCK.
im only 19 im only 19 but i feel like my life is ending over a fucking boy. he took my high school years. he took my first kiss. my first smoke. my virginity. he took over my life and maybe thats my own fault but i didnt mind. because he used to love me just the same. he looked at me with love, and he wasnt mean to me, and if he was on accident he cried because he felt bad and he told me i was the most important thing in his life and now im garbage. i feel so alome. so stuck. i dont know whag to do. i domt want to leave him.i love him so much it hurts. i see a future with him.i want to marry him. were living together, weve blended our cat family together weve helped each other through everything. ive helped him through everything . we went through highschool together, friends, friend breakups, pet death, family problems, vacations, EVERYTHING. we've lived life together and we're so young. please i dont know why this is happening. i thought he would love me forever but its already ended. i felt like we've been together for forever but also like we jsut met. hes 2 different people. i miss him so much. i wish he would come to the bathroom right now. i wosh he cared. i wish he was up right now worried about me. but i know he isnt. deep dowm i know he was annoyed when he felt me get out of bed. deep down i know hes sleeping right now. and deep down i know ghat im going to talk to him tomorrow and cry to him and give him a speach and hell sa sorry and we'll go back to normal.
i camt do this anymore. i dont know what to do.
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Tour without You
Summary: fans saw the video of cal singing ghost of you and people think you two broke up.
a/n: SO YALL KNOW WHICH VIDEO I'M TALKING ABOUT RIGHT? Idk if he was actually crying, but a part of me tells me he was, but idk who knows, but i hope he was okay and is doing okay now.
You were currently home watching duke at yours and cal’s place. You couldn't go on tour with cal because of work, so being alone was a norm you had grown into. Whenever you didn't go on tour you and cal would spend time calling one another whenever a show was over, so he could see you and if you needed to comfort him for anything. He hated when he had to leave you alone, but you would reassure him you had someone that was a part of him. Duke would usually stay with the dog sitter, but when you stayed back home you watched duke. You two would have some quality time together as usual so the small pup can use his energy throughout the day.
For Cal though today, just wasn't his day. Their bus tour had taken a re-route, they got to the venue late, he couldn't focus during rehearsal since it was cut short, from them arriving late. Usually when stress came he was able to handle it well, but you usually were there to comfort him right there and then, which also added to his stress as well, not being able to be with you in moments like these. Fans in the audience and online had seen his expression and worried for him, especially when singing Ghost of you. He hated that his stress would reflect how he acts during shows, but today was really bad for him. Cal doesn't really notice when fans are recording, but a video had gone viral during the concert within minutes and fans skepulating about you and cal. You had no idea of this hence you not being near your phone all day and having a nice day out with duke. Your phone had been blasting all night and once you got home with duke you checked it once seeing all the notifications on all of your socials.You were slightly confused as to why there were so many so you checked it out.
@5SOSUPDATES: is it possible cal and y/n broke up? Could be because they haven been posting with one another. Also today’s performance he seemed sad, especially during Ghost of you.
“What the hell?” you said as the puppy barked at you as you continued to look for something that gave you some sort of idea that was going on. Then MTV also made a topic off of it.
SPECULATING BREAK UP RUMOURS: POPSTAR CALUM HOOD AND GIRLFRIEND Y/N L/N POSSIBLY BROKE UP BEFORE A SHOW DURING TOUR
You were quick to find the resources they were using to claim these speculations and there was a video of cal singing ghost of you, at first it was all good, he was singing good, you saw no sad emotions, but when it got to him harmonizing, with the ghost of you, that's when his expression changed. At first you thought that it was just the way he was singing. But you looked over and yeah you were convinced he was crying.
You tried to first go over anything you might have said to make him upset, but there was nothing, you texted when you could and he seemed fine the night before, so you didn't know what was wrong. Unless he lied to you, which he would do when he was away from you. He didn't want to bother you, but you always told him to talk to you when he was feeling down and not himself. You were always going to be there to talk to him always. Just then you got a call from mali, you were quick to answer as she probably has seen these as well.
“Mali, hey.” you said as she spoke, “hey super weried, but have you been on your socials and possibly MTV?” she asked as you sighed, “yes i have.” you said as she contuned, “okay, is it ture?? Did you two break up? Omg did cal do something because i swear-” she said as you giggled and cut her off, “no we didn't, well at least i think so, but uh, no i called him before this show and he seemed fine, but you know how he is, he doesn't tell the full truth until you get it out of him.” you said as she hummed, “thats true, well are you talking to him tonight?” she asked as you hummed back, “yeah i should be getting a call in about an hour, i dont think he has checked his phone yet, so i'll call you first thing alright?” you said as she hummed and you two said your goodbyes. As your phone was still blowing up, more and more rumours were being made, but you didn't expect to be getting attacked.
5SOSWILDFLOWER: Yall, there are some photos of y/n with another guy before cal had gone to tour, guess cal has a reason.
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Caly/n_stan: i don't think she would cheat though, they've been together for years.
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Lukehemmingsstan: i mean yeah but people change especially when dating a celeb, and it wouldn't be the first time a 5sos member would be cheated on.
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@mikeycliff5sos: i mean you can tell she was just in it for the money and the fame, she never spoke about her job.
You were at first confused as to what pictures you were talking about, but then you clearly remember you were with the dog sitter, who happens to be a guy. He was one of Cal's best friends and he always took care of duke when you were away. You were there before cal had gone to tour, to tell him personally that you were staying with duke, since you knew him and it would be nice to catch up on duke’s behavior. Of course the fans didn't know that, but that didn't mean they should attack you. You were kinda stressed about this situation, especially with the things being said, fans even started to question your real intentions with cal and wondered if you were just after cal for his money and fame questioning your line of work as well, which wasnt public because you line of work was importnatn, you were a visual editor at entertainment company and well you kept it private and you didn't want any problems.
On cal’s side of things, he hadnt checked his phone at all wanting to handle one side of stress at a time. After teh show he realxed before calling you, making sure he looked good and fine. But once he lifted his phone he had seen so many notifications, at first he thought it was about the show from tonight but when he clicked he saw everything that was being said about you and him that you two had broken up and the means things being said about you. He was quick to call you as you answered quickly hoping he was okay.
“Hey” you both said quite rapidly, “sorry you go first.” cal said as you sighed and spoke, “are you okay? But i want to know the full truth cal, you know you can talk to me.” you said as he rubebd his head and wished he had spoken to you before anything, he knew if he talked to you hten these rumours wouldnt be made. “Fuck love, im sorry, we had to reroute the show for tonight we got there late, and rehearsal was rushed and, today i didn't do my best to hide my stressed emotions, i tried, but i couldnt, all i wnated to do was talk to you before the show, but i wasnt able to,” he said as his voice was cracking and you felt bad for him, you knew he handled stress well, but you knew today was one of those days, “bub its okay, just talk to me about this kind of stress to help you when you can, no matter what time it may be. I know im not htere, but remeber im a phone call away, always. No matter waht okay, you call me when youre feeling like this.” you said as he smiled a little missing you so much more than he should be able to.
“Youre too good for me you know that? Im sorry for waht the fans are saying, i'll straighten it out babe, they shouldnt be saying this stuff about you,” he said as you giggled, “its fine, it hurt at first, but i mean this all happend beucase i was out with dukes dogsitter,” you said as he laughed a little, “gosh the fans are really out of hand, i love you so much, youre there for me more than many times i could even count, you know youre it for me,” he said as you blushed hearing his words, he would tell you this all the time. It was true, you were it for him and he was it for you. “And youre it for me too, and i'll happily be there for you, always you know that.” you said as he smiled and jsut couldnt wait to get home to you. After talking for about 2 hours, you said your goodbyes and you had gone with the rest of your day as cal had straighten out with the fans about his citation.
He posted a picture on his story of you and captioned it:
To clear out the rumours from today, me and y/n are happily together. y/n has not and has never cheated on me, for those who know she is everything to me and i will do anything to not lose her. There is no anger towards this situation jsut please, be careful with what you say on the interent, even if y/n and i dont post about us everyday its not htat wer are not together, we like to live in the present with one another since i go away for tour. Usually shes here with me, but sadly she isnt. So again please just be aware with what you are posting, we are human and things that were said towards her will hurt anyone.
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season 6 thoughts
hey quick question why the FUCK did you start with that
like on the one hand i’m glad that now i know what happened right after the end of “that’s too much man!”. on the other hand… ow
the mountain bojack climbs is called “metaphor mountain” God bless Lisa Hanawalt
i LOVE the way the episodes are framed… like you get one flashback to bojack drinking and you think that was the first time then it’s like NOPE he was even younger
CINDY CRAWFISH AKSHDJDSF
AND BABY BOJACK SNUGGLING UP TO HIS MOTHER… TRYING TO FEEL AN EMBRACE SHE WOULD NEVER GIVE… CATCH ME CRYING IN THE CLUB
WHO THE FUCK CAME UP WITH THIS NEW INTRO
AND THE WAY IT HAS ALL THOSE FLASHBACK SCENES BUT IT STILL ENDS WITH HIM FALLING INTO THE POOL AND DIANE AND PEANUTBUTTER CHECKING TO SEE IF HES OK AND THEN HES JSUT LOUNGING IN HIS APPLE SHORTS;;; it’s just,, he’s going back home in the end, going back to the place where he started, as if everything will go back to the way it was before and he’ll find himself stuck in the same cycles he tried so hard to escape… all im saying is, i dont think this season is gonna end well
and how it dwells on his past, everything he did wrong, all the most heartwrenching moments, and there aren’t any changes to the intro (as far as i could tell) until episode 8… nothing changes if all you do is look back.
I am LOVING the Mr. Peanutbutter we’re getting this season. I was never really attached to him before; it’s not that I hated him, just that I liked all the other main characters better. and now that they’ve had him do something really bad and reckon with that,, he’s plumbing new depths, exploring those dark places, questioning if he’s truly as happy as he says he is
and bonding with bojack??? who would have guessed
bojack keeps giving advice that is, at best, the kind he doesn’t follow himself, and at worst, bringing others down into the well of self-pity that he’s been stuck in the whole series
Someone give Princess Carolyn a break…
SHE NAMED HER DAUGHTER RUTHIE IM CRYING
Guy seems like a cool guy but I feel like they’re setting him up to seem nice so that it’s more surprising when it’s revealed he’s not. I’m probably being too suspicious, but also we don’t know much of the details about his divorce, do we? Lakeith Stanfield's great tho
EPISODE 4 WAS COMEDY GOLD
The return of Queefburglar69
I WANNA WRAP PICKLES UP IN A BLANKET LIKE A BURRITO AND TELL HER EVERYTHINGS OKAY
Oh man Pickles talking about how her subscribers will always be there for her… like… it’s not one person, it’s a cloud of people, the contents and shape of which changes, might even be completely different and unrecognizable from one year to the next, but they’re all still there as this nebulous support system. and it reminded me of what bojack said to young sarah lynn about how her fans are the only things she can count on
Todd is babey.
Also him wearing the ace colors under his hoodie!!
I knew Diane’s rationale for going to chicago was bullshit. she said it makes her feel good, but “it doesn’t matter where you are, it’s who you are,” and she still dwells on her bad feelings and hates herself just as much in chicago as she did in LA. moving somewhere else isn’t necessarily gonna change those tendencies, she has to work on it herself.
OH MAN AND WHEN BOJACK GETS DR CHAMP DRUNK AGAIN… THROWING THE BOTTLE OUT THE WINDOW WAS A WAY TO AVOID RUINING ANOTHER LIFE AND HE ENDS UP DOING THE EXACT THING HE HOPED HE WOULD NEVER DO AGAIN
was honestly kinda hoping that Dr Champ was just pretending he got drunk to show how bad bojack could get if he relapsed but at the end when he was like “stay…” that’s how i knew that shit was real.
todd is so fucking stupid i love him
ngl am kinda disappointed that todd’s confirmed white, cause i’ve kinda been picturing him as latino for a long time and i know rbw said he doesn’t want to alienate latino viewers who relate to todd. but it makes a lot of sense, cause he always gets away with stupid shit and gets to the top of things without even having to try just because he knows a guy. and maybe the reason he’s so positive all the time is because it’s so easy for him to be, he never has to worry about shit bc of the privilege his whiteness affords him. also I love that we got to learn more about his backstory
THE CONTRAST BTWN “all the shitty things I did that I can barely even remember because I was high or drunk or it was thirty years ago” and “I remember everything. I’m sober now.” !!!!!!!!!!!!!
sharona sounds like a cross btwn princess carolyn and margo martindale
I have… mixed feelings about the haircut
Oh man Mr. Peanutbutter had a moment… he finally got that crossover episode… I was kinda hoping for a joke that went “Mr. Peanutbutter and BoJack Horseman in the same room? What is this, Philbert?” or “What is this, a short-lived show on a streaming network that got canceled because the star got addicted to painkillers and strangled his costar in a drugged haze?” but this is SO MUCH BETTER. I've never seen him cry before and the way he reacts to himself crying suggests that maybe he’s never cried before at all, and that’s why he just keeps laughing, almost like it’s forced, cause this is supposed to be his happiest moment and it’s not supposed to make him so sad. fucking,, character development
and the cold open of ep 8… you can forgive yourself and move on from your past wrongs but it doesn’t erase the things you did, the effects they have on people, and the trauma they’ve suffered. and then like, how can you forgive yourself if they never forgive you? how do you maintain that balance? why should you move forward if they can’t?
its weird to have an episode consisting entirely of guest stars but it also illustrates the extensive world they’ve built and i applaud that… also where the fuck is ana spanakopita
GINA RETURNS!!! HELL YEAH
her quote about not wanting to be defined by what bojack did to her has always stuck with me, and i feel like now, that quote has sort of come true. like, her saying that made us avoid reducing her to what happened to her, and thats why i wanted to see her come back this season, hopefully moving past it. but she can’t. it traumatized her. and everyone can see the effects of it but she feels like she can’t come forward, cause if she does she’ll be punished. shit like that changes you.
and it’s another instance on the show where someone chooses to advance their career & preserve their reputation over doing the right thing (like what bojack does with herb & sharona), but bojack does it out of self-interest, and gina does it so she doesn’t have to relive her trauma every time she gets interviewed or recognized by a fan. but even when she keeps quiet about it she’s still reliving her trauma
noah fence but what a waste of the once-per-season fuck word. youre really gonna use it in an episode IN WHICH BOJACK DOES NOT EVEN APPEAR, and not only that, but RECYCLE AN OLD SENTENCE FROM A PREVIOUS EPISODE
netflix places no limits on a show’s use of the fuck word (i think), so… fingers crossed for something better in the second part?
OH MY GOD PETE REPEAT INTRODUCED HIMSELF AS PETER ITS ALMOST LIKE HES TRYING TO FORGET THAT TIME & THAT PERSON HE WAS (im probably reading into it too much, I’m sure it’s mostly so we wouldn’t figure out who it was immediately. maybe im just like the kid with the coffee cup.)
and just… ppl describe this show as “family guy or the simpsons except the protagonist faces consequences for his actions” but bojack has gotten away with everything.
you ever just like… you ever watch a scene and feel the cliffhanger vibes creeping up and you just know it’s gonna end there and leave you unsatisfied and begging for more but at the same time that’s what makes it such a good place to end it. that was me with this. (and also the ending of undone)
the thing about this show is, it illustrates what it’s like to be a toxic person. and sure, he has it hard, but the show never asserts that he has it any worse than his victims, even if bojack himself does so. and he only does it so he can feel better about himself. he deserves a reckoning, he needs to pay for his bad deeds. but then, when you know what made him this way and what goes on inside his mind and that he wants to get better, it makes you feel for him, and forces you to ask if he deserves to get better and forgive himself and move forward. but even if he does, it doesn’t change the things he did. it doesn’t fix the lives he’s ruined.
anyway sound off if you think bojack’s gonna die at the end. hopefully not by suicide
#long post#bojack horseman#diane nguyen#todd chavez#princess carolyn#mr. peanutbutter#pickles aplenty#pete repeat#bojack horseman season 6 spoilers#doctor champ#sarah lynn#gina cazador#horsin' around#mr. peanutbutter's house#netflix#raphael bob-waksberg#lisa hanawalt#phoebe talks#mine
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Season 12 but The Master kept pretending to be O??
Basically self-indulgent Thoschei with a twist.
lots of typos bc?? i aint got time to go correct stuff yet? I will later??
So Spyfall is resolved, The Kasaavin are banished back to their realm and the Fam and Doctor are clueless as to the true mastermind, Barton taking the fall while the Master continues to pose ad O, having decided he’s enjoying the game of tricking her too much.
Perhaps among their texts they’ve grown close, or perhaps the brief time together in the outback led to events?? ;) But either way, he changes his mind mid plan and continues to act human.
Since he never leaves the message or has the confrontation in Paris, the doctor remains unaware of Gallifrey’s destruction. The fam wait off on asking their questions since she isn’t off with them.
Orphan 55 happens, and while the fam go do their shit, O stays with the Doctor bc admit it, she was like oh ;-; when everyone went to explore. My poor baby. So they hang out together before everything goes to shit, how cute?? Things get resolved, but with the revelation of one of earth’s potential fates, and the potential that the doctor lied about knowing, the fam decide to ask to know more about her. She shares what she believes its true at the time, being born on gallifrey and being a timelord, O looms in the background looking awkward bc he knows none of that is true and he feels horrible keeping the truth from her, it makes him as bad as the rest of the time lords- but he is selfish and he doesn’t want to stop what he’s doing, he’s started to really enjoy her company, its everything he’s ever wanted, every star.
And then it’s ruined when Yaz asks to see her own planet. Blissfully unaware of its destruction, she takes them, and so they’re right there with her when she sees, opens the doors to the rubble, the dying flames- and oh god. The fam are horrified, she’s horrified, O has to fake it, while being utterly glad those nasties are dead- maybe he gets to sneakily comfort hug her??? like she’s trying not to tear up even after that whole shit show of the confession dial, it was her home??so yeah he’s like hugging her but he’s so angry bc they dont deserve her tears??
The doctor is off after that, and the fam know why, and none of their words of comfort do much, because sure they’ve just witnessed the death of earth too but that is just one timeline, can be completely avoided, while gallifrey is gone forever, and she believes she’s once more the last of her kind. it hurts.
they visit tesla all the same, and when that big ass scorpion looking alien (bc im sorry i didnt like the episode and i’ve forgotten her name so....) mentions dead planets, she can feel the fam stiffen, as though the doctor is gonna blow at any minute, but she keeps calm, tries to bury the rage, but O can tell, can tell by the way her arms shake, hands clenched into fists in her pockets- and it hurts him to see her like this- the longer he spends around her, pretending to be someone he’s not, he’s just realizing more and more what a dumbass he is and that he’s still as in love with her now than he was all those years ago in the academy- none of the truth will change that-
and then boom the shit show with the judoon occurs and suddenly O is confused af because that Lee guy could ONLY have been him. Who else on gallifrey was stupid enough to hide out with the doctor, marry them and die for them?? him because he’s a dumbass? but he’s a dumbass who definitely doesnt remember this memories?? which theoretically in the doctors timeline should have been sometime after the division? or during? he’s not sure? but to his knowledge he shouldn’t have been alive at this stage? and now he’s not sure what the fuck HIS own life is too? did they take his memories from him too? has he lost part of his life? suddenly the truth doesnt seem as known as he thought- so while the doctor is reeling from the information of Ruth being her somehow? O is having his own mental crisis because what the fuck did they do to him too? what is he missing??
praxeus continues as similar as it did originally, O is only the tiniest impressed at Yaz, ever since Spyfall he’d sensed she was the human with the most potential to not be utterly worthless so he’s glad at least one of the doctors latest pets seems to have some initiative?? but yeah i dont wanna change much about praxeus? its not important- except the doctor saying she’s a romantic and the master wants that? wait what- he’s conflicted about his own thoughts? he wanted to break her, destroy her with the truth? but he also just wants to wrap her in his arms? make everything as okay as he can? what the fuck is even happening with him? jsut your usual ‘im a mess’ vibes lmao
when can you hear me? rolls around, it happens in a similar way, i dont wanna get to into it because i dont wanna think too much...the episode was weird, it was just weird-- i cant?? although maybe bc that zellin and the lady whose name i forgot...but they were immortal right?? maybe their species is the doctors species?? huh? huh? think about that- but don’t think too hard bc i hate that theory and i’m gonna pretend i never had that thought- lets just ignore can you hear me even though the end made me cry for yaz bc lol relatable sis, relatable. do whatever you want for this bit fam, idc.
Anyyyyyway. the bit I’m waiting for... Villa Diodati ;) O is ready to smack Byron round the face, fingers itching towards the tce everytime he tries to flirt with the doctor. the lone cyberman appears and wopdie doo earth is going to be destroyed and the doctor is about to do something stupid, thinking there is no other way? the master is like um lol change of plans i dont want the cybermen to win, look how in pain my baby theta is?? i gotta help?? oof? and idk, his patience is like nope all gone? and he whips out his TCE on the lone cyberman and boom. crisis averted? except now the doctor is looking at him in horror and shock and- she realizes who he is then and there, and normally he’d made a big drama out of his, throw in some words, a speech about how easy it was to deceive her, how he destroyed gallifrey- about how he was under her nose this whole time- but he doesn’t, instead he meets her gaze and can barely manage to whisper an “im sorry” and wow shit i wasn’t gonna write that version, i was gonna have feral confrontation but now im stanning a sad master who just needs a hug and some therapy because nothing makes sense, he thought he had everything figured out but he doesnt and he just wANTS HIS FRIEND BACK uiferkghlujkfaghjfkgladhfajkg; i m fine
i dont know what i wanna do after this point? it could go a lot of different ways?? but thoschei rights bitches. could go angst confrontation and then she abandons him in whatever century that was set bc wow i studied frankenstein in school but i couldnt tell you what century the author is from bc im dumb? 18th? maybe idk that seems likely? or 19th? but anyway yeah or maybe she’s just relieved someone else is alive? or is she shouting for answers or?? i dunno.... but woop ???
wow this turned into a big mess but hopefully you can kinda see where i wanna head with things? after this he’d probably show her the truth? i dunno how that’d go down, but he’d be there with her?? But anyway, this idea is free for anyone to write, but holla us a link and I'll give yall a free promo at the end of this post!!
Versions of this that yall Lovelies have blessed us with:
#doctor who#doctor who season 12#doctor who spoilers#the master x thirteenth doctor#the timeless child#the master#Thirteenth doctor#thirteenth doctor x the master#dhawan!master#whittaker!doctor#Jodie whittaker#sacha dhawan#yasmin khan#dr who#acension of the cybermen#can you hear me#praxeus#koschei#theta sigma#thoschei
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dont rb, dont rply
i jsut feel so fucking. miserable again ... i know i need to get a grip - i know i fucking do - but its sos;df,opsdk. its always just............. man its humiliating isnt it just thinkign about how fucking pathetic u are & justjisdogjodigsd.... crying bc of WHAT now what . again crying bc u wish u were sth other thn just embarrassing . like THTAS embarassing man but09sjgjdsg ..... fucking hate urself so much but what does it matter even tht loses its fucking meaning & its just u fucking screaming and beating urself raw but that doesnt matter none of it is ever worth anything do u EVER just. like. idk im miserable again whats new wishing i had sth to live for fucking sitting around fucking rotting carcass as i have been for years and years and years and the longer it goes on the more there is to cry abt the worse and wors eand worse it gets . do u ever fucking think abt how all the problems youve had for years and years how none of them ever get fucking resolved ever how its always just this building fucking pile of bullshit and how you never feel better abt any of it it never goes away and it never heals it just sits there and youre not supposed to care any more how ur still upset abt shit tht happened years ago . how none of it ever has any resolution how none of it ever gets any closure how it just hurts and then u have to forget abt it but u do bc you cant move on because theres nowhere to move on to there just isnt theres nothin out there . this stupid it gets better bullshit fucking horseshit people insisting theres more but its just more and more of this and . feeling worse and worse wishing u werte dead so fucking long ago because its just proving to urself more and more that u should have been dead feeling angrier with yourself for being alive being let down more and more and its like. again tht case of why am i alive yknow and i jsut. i havent done anything for years and im sat here staring at ppl i used to know and seeing how far theyve all gone and how different they all are and im still just alone and im still useless and im still as bad at everything as i once was and im no different no matter how much i try and its never worth anything in the end no matter how much u hold on but ppl keep insisting tht it is but it isnt and then u wonder whts wrong with me why wont any of it work for me why wont any of the stupid platitudes help why do they all just makeit worse and u realise its just the factof the matter yet again u rlly dont got shit yet again and its nothing tht big or grand like u wish it was it isnt anything more than the fact ur just fucking nothing and idk. idk idk idk. u keep wishing u were sth after all theseyears after bothering & after like. wasting ur time being alive but all u ever do is prove evertyone who laughed at u right anf prove ur parents who hate u right and prove urself right for being insecure and theres never any . like. resolve and u never do feel better abt urself bc theres never anything and ur just miserable and the only difference now is u were miserable for longer and you had more and more failures and it seems u will continue to have more failures and i dont wn t to think abt tht i dont want to think abt where im going to end up in the end whenit gets even worse at this rate when i end up just fucking nowhere with no one and with no ambitions and no skills and nothing to live for and i still wont fucking kill myself because i cant do that right i cant do anything right and im just fucking completely and entirely lost and i rot, properly, like i rot and die alone somewhere and its long and its painful and i dont know thts all i can see thts all i can imagine is just the day i fucking stop and lock myself in a room and turn the lights off and stop moving and i dont think anyone would ever find me and i dont think anyone would ever care and i’d rot and die alone somewhere and i wonder if thts how it should be sometimes liek if thats right if maybe the reason i dont kill myself is bc i know i dont deserve to go so quickly and i know theres noa ctual poetry to it none like tht i know im just being fucking stupidd and an idiot but god i dont know man <3 i fucking . sick tired of it all and stupid fucking crisis team thinking abt moving me out of intensive care to longterm stuff thinking abt trying to fucking help me and i dont know why i keep going i think its just because i want to see someone and talk to someone in some, very pathetic way wwhen i cant even speak and i cant even do anything and none of it helps and it makes it worse it makes it so much fucking worse and it reminds me of all the other shit that makes me more upset and makes it worse again and why does everything just dig it deeper why cant any of it just fucking help and do you ever . been thinking alot about fucking [redacted] recently as fisgustingly as tht is and how genuinely infuriated i am bby half tht shit STILL even 2-3 years later thinking abt how . gggod i dont eeven need to fucking. idk why the specifics matter whn its all the same fucking shit in the end but i dont knowman i dont know man i fucking wish i wasnt just a fucking hopeles case i fucking wish i had a life i fucking wish i had some sort of reason to be alive i wish i felt like i had some worth i wish i wasnt just a failure and i wish there was some sort of home i hadd or wishing for some sort of catharsis, something that felt like some good, even if it was just . a fucking hobby but all of it hurts all of it makes u miserable and sad and upset & theres no release theres no fucking help with the pressure and all u do after years and years is still make fucking stupidd text posts crying to urself and its all just wishing for something over and over again and wishing for forever and it never happening and me being an idiot and crying and its all always been the same shit and i jsd098sdg8dssfgds. im tired man im tired of just hating myself and feeling lonely and feeling stupid and feeling ugly and disgusting and unloved just begging for respect and why is tht all i ever am and why am i only ever defined by negatives and never anyhting good andi dont know im ramblingg i whined of it already i jsut feel sick and im doing tht stupid shit tht i KNOW upsets me im going thru those stupid fucking things and i remember i used to fucking . do some stupid stupid shite like cut myself for every time i saw some fucking empty platitude that resonated hollow as a reminder that it all fucking sucks and on one hand god bless my edgy 15 yeear old self on the other hand ive caught myself on the brink of doing that nonsense again jsut to fucking. god i dont eben know wht at this point fucking . dont u ever just get angry at ursself angry for being alive still fucking . genuinely violently . angry kind of nonsense jesus CHRIST you know nad i dont know im thinking of all the shit ppl would say to me right now and how all of it makes it worse how theres never anything concievable thts ever going to make any of this better &thinking abt how. fucking man at the crisis team was asking me wht would ur world look like if i could be what u wanted it to be and just fucking being on the brink off tears bc it wassupposed to be positve he was asking it positibely but jsut. i dont know i just want it all gone i dont eben wnt anything i dont fucking want anythinglike. bro im being crackhead tonight
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valenwoke replied to your post “hi guys i finally saw the nightmare on elm street reboot i ranted and...”
Why were u mad?
OKAY LET ME GET INTO THIS AS BEST AS I CAN CUS IM SHIT AT EXPRESSING MY THOUGHTS
number one: wes craven wasn’t even asked about this film. they didnt tell him shit they just fucking went and made the movie with his character and his idea and was like byyyyyee
which tbf the entire franchise rlly was wes having his like. child taken away from him and bastardized, only being able to reclaim it’s legacy in New Nightmare.
next, lets get into the character.
Freddy Krueger.
We all know Freddy as this really campy and jokey character. He’s a beloved slasher. He was funny and silly and his kills were creative and had funny one liners - robert englund brought to life this character and is one of the big reasons he was so beloved.
He was a child murderer, yes, but a big thing along with it is we never actually saw him murder a child in the entire series. There was sexual undertones in subtext, and it was originally he was supposed to be a child predator as well, but they threw it out due to a real life scandal happening at the time and played it more subtext
Now. In the remake when they say they ham up the child predator shit they really, really do and it is NOT fucking pleasant at ALL.
But we will get more into that later.
Freddy in the remake, along with the entire thing tbh, is gritty. Edgy. Dark. He makes one liners and REPEATS OLD JOKES FROM THE SERIES, which throughout was liek. Haha that was in Nightmare (X), wish i was watching that one right now.
His jokes were just. Flat. It wasn’t jokes it just made you kinda. Yikes.
They weren’t delivered with the mirth and excitement like with Robert Englund.
His makeup made him look like a fish.
He was absolutely disgusting. Making gross sexual assaults on Nancy on one point, granted nothing exactly major but enough to make ur skin crawl.
He was played to be just. Revolting.
Which isn’t a bad thing to do for a character - but not to one that has been well loved and rather like a ‘fun wacky uncle’ kinda guy. Not one with an existing legacy to be a wise cracker looney tunes kinda killer.
But let’s get more into the child predator aspect of it because holy fucking shit.
They literally show flashback scenes in the movie of Freddy playing with the kids and it was all like. Cute and sweet if you didn’t know context but seeing him interact with these kids is like. Revolting and makes your stomach churn.
Especially them showing the little girl with her back scratched and a five year old nancy crying to her mom how “he takes us to his special cave” and burst into tears because she was fucking defiled constantly.
Speaking of his special cave. Nancy and Quentin find it. And guess what they find? A bunch of photos of a naked five year old Nancy that Nancy sees and fucking has a break down over it because holy shit that’s fucking disgusting and heavy.
The movie is heavy. Very heavy and makes your stomach sick - and not in a like. Saw movie torture porn kinda way where you are like HAHA SIIICK.
But in a fucking crushing reality and just makes you, the viewer, even feel utterly vile as you are watching this character be vulnerable and go through repressed trauma.
The whole movie deals with also Nancy and Quentin and the others apparently having repressed these memories and the parents trying to hide it by hiding their preschool photos and other things from their childhood.
It’s just utterly sickening and makes your skin crawl.
Especially as much of Freddy goes after Nancy and speaks so vile to her about how she was his favorite, how beautiful the girl characters still are and how ‘grown up’ they are and just being a fucking creep.
Now that the story is pretty much fucking just. A fucking heap let’s get into the actual movie elements.
The one thing in the original Nightmares I absolutely LOVED was how dream like the dreams were. How they had this kinda dream like quality - it was whimsical! It was creepy and unsettling but also? Really fun? It was CREATIVE.
The deaths were fun and imaginative! The crew had so much fun coming up and creating these kinda deaths that you rlly couldnt get away with in normal stories cus its a DREAM where anything can happen.
Now in this movie?
It was just.
Oh. We’re in a creepy classroom. Oh looks like we are in silent fucking hill and then one flash of lights AA we are i nthe boiler room oh nooo.
Oh nooo u got slashed by freddy and now you’re dead. Okay. Cool.
IT WAS BORING
It was gritty dark and jsut snooze. it didnt even give any tension it was just. oh ur trying to be scary and thats it. ok.
Now this movie is also a reboot, meaning it’s a fresh start to the series. So someone who hasn’t watched the original series should come in without having to watch the other films, right?
Wrong.
Now in the original movie, we followed the character Tina as a red herring to be the main character. The same thing happens in this movie, we do not follow Nancy (the one character whose name they kept. Which meaning if you have seen the original films, you know Kris is the Tina character and this twist is not gonna work on the previous fans who a MAJORITY IF NOT ALL this movie’s audience was. Even if you haven’t seen the first Nightmare most people know Nancy is the main heroine. I digress.)
So we haven’t followed Nancy. At all. We see her once telling Kris she also saw something in her dreams and thats it.
Next we see her is when she comes to see Quentin. Sits down and just says, “Freddy”
Where did she get this info? How is the audience supposed to know who tf that is or why or how or just. WHAT???
Okay. WHATEVER.
This movie also plays a lot on old gags, jokes, and visuals from the first movie as like. A homage. But they’re done.. So poorly. It just makes me go, “haha i remember that. wish I was watching that nightmare instead of this one.”
There’s also small plot elements that made me go ??? what. why??
like for example the mother of Kris apparently having kept one of her daughter’s dresses that was slashed when she was ASSAULTED AND DEFILED BY A MAN in a box upstairs with her preschool photos?? Like. Okay.
There is NO CHARM in this movie. No love. No passion. It’s just gritty and dark and just makes the audience feel utterly vile and absolutely tears apart the legacy of Freddy and NOES and everything Robert has done to the character. It has taken Wes’ original idea and story and just said
Hey. What if we take this and just make it dark and edgier and SCARY OOOO. And then they tossed it in the trash compactor.
I feel I’m missing even quite a fucking lot of shit too but.
I fucking hate this movie so much dude.
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im really worried about shoma this season. i don’t know why; i know it’s right after an oly yr and everyone’s tired .. hell the shibs are taking it off because they said they weren’t thinking far ahead enough to put something together, but jin has really shaped up and whatever clips of yuzu’s programs i’ve seen, i know theyre both going to do really well in the eyes of fans. i know scoring wise maybe they’ll be similar on the platform of what it’s been like for top 6 but i really hate shoma’s new FS god the first half is so empty . his jumps aren’t really going anywhere (and i know. i KNOW it’s jsut the start of the season but) i really do want him to change coaches. i’m so scared of him getting stagnant. it’s three seasons passed since his senior debut and while he’s made great bounds already, i don’t see much happening anymore and i feel like mihoko’s done the most she can . i used to feel the same about jin since he turned down TCC offer but he’s gotten so GOOD with clear improvement on his edges and that choreo is amazing and he’s finally given the chance to grow artistically after yrs of me beating down his door for change but now shoma’s where jin used to be and i hate his FS so much not just the music it’s the fact there are no transitions nothing groundbreaking nothing new all his spin combos are the same and i’m glad they took out the cantilever that i hated in foi but the rest hasn’t evolved yet and a big part of me is so crushed because i wanted to be able to look people who are yuzu fans to the point of toxicity and say that shoma CAN and he WILL deliver just as well as yuzu has since sochi (and even before, arguably) and it’s so hard to have to admit “””defeat””” because i know that shoma isn’t anywhere near the level that yuzu was/is technique wise and their artistry is so completely different that i hate to love yuzu’s style since it’s just so easy to love it’s so so easy to love it really is and turandot was amazing but sonata is nowhere even close, nowhere good, and yuzu will never be able to skate the way shoma does and shoma will never be able to skate the way yuzu does but i wanted him so badly to be able to finally leave his shadow but i really don’t see it happening this season (especially) and god i jsut want to cry i feel so useless i hate it i wish i could love yuzu as much as i would w/o having interacted w some of the ugly fans and i don’t wish him ill or anything , god no, but fuck a bad part of me does. a bad part of me really does , and just for shoma’s sake. but shoma isn’t stepping up to the plate either and now im caught halfway and don’t know what to do i. god .
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ep 5
- the way that "conversion plate" had a fucking GRIP on theories this past week... screaming and gagging and throwing up. i saw alternate dimension theories from it. all this that and the other my goodness me.
- yas in that waistcoat ohhhhhhhhhhh my goodness me teehee (fans self)
- yas ATTACKING IN THE WAISTCOAT WELL NOW MY GOODNESS ME........ GOODNESS GRACIOUS ME
- that man really did just kill himself on their floor. yaz really did say just chuck him overboard. girl..... girlll.
- my goodness me.
- girlie shes been there 3 years girlie OK- RIGHT NOW HANG ON WHY HAS THE BEST YAS AND 13 INTERACTION BEEN WHEN THEYRE NOT EVEN FUCINSRGBUOPJIBJOF. WHY IS THAT SO FUNNY. BUT ALSO MISERABLE. DO NOT SEPARATE THEM. YOU KEEP DOING IT.
- dan.......... mate.
- oh what the fuck are we getting answers
- ... aaaannddd the answers are BORING! RESPECTFULLY<3.
- like division is this ... well i guess.
- i dont know how to say this but like again this series HAS cracked down and its made some major improvements in terms of the show having a better pulse, better characters, and improvement on dialogue (though it could be better) and thats been immense for terms of enjoyment but NONTHELESS its jsut like....
- again chibnalls fuckin . i dont know. so much of it despite that still jsut doesnt work for me, my love. like "division controls everything"- like i just dont care, babe.... its like ur trying so hard to like think of something so big and momentuous and status quo shifting. like oh the universe has secretl- like quit it! stop it! (slaps your hands) bc its so HARD to pull tht shit off right and with this ... wargh. warhg.
- OH ARE SWEET BEL AND VINDER ABT TO REUNITE
- multiverses
- im throwing up sorry the conversion plate. fine sure
- also wait now. oh for gods sake
- so the principle of why i hated the timeless child wasnt even necessarily the whole "rewriting lore" - like i do not care ! i truly... its nothing to me, you know? im fine with that like im whatever girl. its the whole... insisting that the doctor is this important figure and shifting the axis of, like, HER. like insisting she's special and whatnot. the whole The Chosen One idea.... bc i dont like that. i dont like the doctor being that. and
- NOW insisting that- so the entire universe ... is ripping apart bc of her BEING BR. RIGHT . OKAY. WHATEVER GIRL.
- and so she's her. tecteun. ok. yeah.
- timeless children and whatnot.....
- unit.............................
- them baiting the grand serpent with the tardis . thats so fucking funny
- well uhm awks
- ough creacture.
- back to timeless child sigh
- i will say i love her fancy little hat. its rather fun.
- DI . SOMEONE WITH A GUN. GIRL.
- DIANA SAYS THEY DONT CALL ME DI BC ITS SHORT FOR DIANA FUCKING GETS YOU GETS YOU GETS YOU
- the general pacing now ive got a better gist of, the show... i dont know i feel like whats happened in THIS episode has now been rushed a lot
- and i think the sontaran episode... hm im now also so split on tht bc i did really love how it was its own thing and can stand on its own but also. it being like that has me like ehhhhhehhh. bc its like- that and the angels and even ep 3. like i dont know it feels so strange the parts they choose to spend so much time in then the parts they choose to condense. eh yknow
- FETCH YOUR HUMAN
- SCREAMING AND CRYING AND THROWING UP
- god this ood looks fucking good. my god they fucking made this ood look so fucking good. god yeah!
- big fancy house. dont know what it means. but all you girlies, deep into the lore are shaking in your boots when you see that crusty little house. good for you girls!
- UH HUH?
- THIS GIT?
- joseph williamson scooby doo gang in a corridoring his way through this fucking show
- GET HIS ASS
- RUDE OLD MAN IN THE TUNNELS. ISNT THAT WHAT WE ALL ASPIRE TO BE
- WOULD be proper funny if she found out she's been like 2 fucking people and one of them slipped on a bathmat after a self care sunday.
- EVERYONE LAUGH AT THE FACT WE ALL POINTED AT THE UNIT STUFF AND SAID "OH ITS COMING BACK" AND ITS A FLASHB- girl.... is he about to get kate because that will be very fucking funny.....
- kate.
- girl you're not going to get kate that easy... they'd be so mad
- help if they do though . GOD imagine.- OSGOOD NAME DROP. ALL THE LESBIANS GOING FUCKING BONKERS SOMEWHERE.
- HII BESTIENISTAAAAA HIII HIII LURV YOU- BEL DONT KILL THE BESTIE. BESTIE DONT KILL BEL.
- CHEEKY GIT AND CHEEKY MISS
- endless death sayss the rude little tunnels man .
- THE SONTARANS ARE BACK . HI. HELLO.
- RIGHT SO WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU THEN. COME ON SWARM AND AZURE. RIGHT O. DO SOMETHING FUN.
- swarm said i'll kill your fucking mommy issues so
- well what the dickens was all that
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iw SPOILERS
alrighty folks, i need to do a ramble. i saw infinity war, rest is under the cut of course. so SPOILERS!!!!!!
i HATED IT SO FUCKING MUCH SO FUCKING FUCIKING MUCH
alright. let’s get the big thoughts out of the way first. i am not mad people died, i also am not lying on the floor crying like so many have written they do. i feel nothing and it’s infuriating.
you know that effect when the scale goes up and up and up and it becomes less relatable in its one-upmanshit of itself? that was a typo and im not going to fix it. oneupmanshit. there you go.
thanos is a huge problem, i didn’t give a damn in the trailers, thought they might do stuff.. but.. omnipotence is just sooooo fuuuuucking boooooring and his motivations are “i do evil things because of a messed up conviction” but on the largest scale where it just seems so ridiculous and i can’t take him seriously even as he plows through the heros. his little lovey-dovey gamora moments don’t do shit considering how he raised her, set against her sister and all that. your love isn’t redeeming if it’s BIG-TIME abusive you fucking grapesicle.
okay so that’s thanos.
i think the plot and writing was exceptionally bad. everything that happens seemed to VERY obviously set up something they wanted to happen, which is how plots work but you’re not supposed to notice. and if the things that happen don’t make sense, it becomes even worse. just one example was stark’s line of we need to find vis, who might be able to find him “steve rogers might” why would he though?
steve isn’t this huge wealth of intelligence (as in knowledge and information, not smarts), if he had said natasha, that would’ve made sense. if he said wanda, that would have made sense. but no, we needed to set up the civil war talk and steve’s name had a bigger impact. bullshit.
OHOHOH, i should really talk about loki though. i got the feeling the russos just had no idea what to do with him and didn’t care. the only way his final actions make sense is if you view it as “suicide by thanos”. like. standing in front of thanos, giving him some weak drivel about pledging loyalty and then summoning a butter knife in the back of his hand, while thanos’ buddies stand behind HIM, and straight on attack? bull-fucking-shit. i could see how his final words might have been to thor, to say “hey, we’re family, goodbye” and shit.. but in his current state of mind and in that moment, it’s so out of character to do what he did.
loki would have slunk into the shadows, maybe fake being killed so that thanos might feel he had his fun and leave thor. which is what i hope happened, but somehow i don’t believe it anymore, since he would have been blown into space too, i guess. i had hopes he’d snuck onto the donut maybe, but.. nah.. probably not. though i WILL fantasize about loki being on titan too, with a very messed up tony. oh wait, quill’s alive too... right...
great scene by the way, on titan, kill all the aliens and let three human white dudes sitting there. eh, two. strange died too.
-breeeeeathe-
alrighty.
so, treatment of loki put me in a very bad headspace. they didn’t even bother showing the setup of that scene. bruce knows loki was sent by thanos. we will never know what loki actually said to them before they were borded, it’s just cast aside.
so, i am willing to attribute a lot of my grievances with this piece of shit movie to an opening scene that pissed me off ROYALLY. i wouldn’t have minded him dying per se, i was expecting it kind of, but the way they did crushed my suspension of disbelief. the bad writing continued to do that, so i was beside the movie, watching from the outside for the entire time and completely emotionally detached.
i wanted to go home to watch inane let’s plays and play idle games, i did not give a single fuck. i tried, i wanted to like the movie. i even came up with all sorts of plottwists, that might have made things interesting. one of which would be a heel-turn of thor where he kills thanos and takes the gauntlet, now THAT would have been cool and actually sort of in character. i liked his heart-to-heart with rocket about not having anything left, so... i could see it.
my mind supplied all these alternate developments to try and redeem what i was seeing, but no.. aaaaaand the disintegrating. now. infinity gauntlet complete, thanos nopes out of wakanda and half the universe dies. no send-off, no context. it felt like MARVEL culling the herd, that’s gotten to big, it felt fake and random. i mean it was supposed to be random in canon, but it really jsut felt to me like feige standing there with a clipboard going “okay black panther is gonna bomb, don’t need t’challa anymore i guess.... let’s see... bucky, eeh.. let’s kill all this stucky talk. who else. vis, out. (i was gald about that one actually)”
[and would they have killed of t’challa if they had known how well bp was received? maybe they thought it would just add some one-time “flavor” and be like this “see, we can have an african lead too” that didn’t need to be made any deeper. ugh.]
like the only death that had an impact was peter, he’s the only one that got sort of a send-off. i guess bucky, because he was the first, felt special too. it was sooo lazyyyy....
it’s like, we need to kill many people, but it’s also a disney movie so it cannot feel too much like a massacre. it just fucking sucked.
romance! eh. yeah. watching a 20-year old woman with a 2-year old man who looks about 60 is just so many shades of wrong and uncomfortable, god am i glad vision is gone.
there was the obligatory bruce-nat glances, but nothing more. there was a bit of tony-pepper stuff, and i hate that ship. squicks me the f out for some reason. one of them being that they reconciled off-screen in homecoming and i have never seen how there’s anything more than friendship between them, i see the two as a brother/sister like relationship, so the forced romance and marriage and all that, ugh.
quill and gamora is actgually pretty sweet, their moments also provide character development, i like.
ooookay that was a long one and i got a lot off my chest. i just felt hollow and like i wouldn’t be excited about anything in life anymore, i still feel like it tbh. even though i tried to not get hyped about it, because i had tons of doubt, i wanted to enjoy the movie and i so thoroughly didnt, that i do not feel like seeing another marvel movie ever again, and that is some strong shit.
i have measured my life in “how long until thor2″ and “just half a year to civil war” and stuff like that, so... it feels like a huge loss. hope ill get some excitement back somehow, just now i feel nothing but cynical and jaded and i hate it. i like to like things, i like being positive about things and i tried, i really tried.
fuck you marvel
#avengers infinity war#infinity war spoilers#avengers infinity war spoilers#avengers:iw spoilers#very anti infinity war btw#so if you enjoyed it probably ignore this#i dont wanna pull anyone down
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Stand By Me | Dominer
Who: @dominicjamesjones, @skypucks, & @pfabray
When: Friday, January 12th 2018
Where: Dom’s place
Notes: Parker goes to Dom’s place confronts him on why he has been distant and she gets heartbreaking news.
Triggers: Death, Alcohol.
Skylar knew that today was important for her to be there for her friend. Granted she didn't feel right about being there, like she didn't feel right be there a year ago. She placed the empty bottles on his counter and walked back into the living room where she came from "Im gonna go, I didn't find anyone to cover my shift, but obviously there's water in your fridge." She said as she fixed her hair as she looked at her friend. "Are you going to be okay if I leave? If not, I can text Parker and Im sure she'll be over here in two seconds."
Dom had been drinking a little bit but wasnt completely wasted, at least not like the night before. Today was a hard day and he wished he could just fast forward it all. He didn't want to feel it anymore. That loss the day his grandpa died. He was sitting on the couch and the one person that he called but shouldnt have was Skylar. She was the only one that understood. She was there that night when he got the call from his mother. He didn't even get to say goodbye. "It's fine" he shook his head. "You can go if you want I'll be fine" he stood up and felt dizzy a bit. "I'll walk you out." he said nodded towards the front door of his new house. Dom blinked slowly and he moved towards the door. "Thank you." he spoke. "For being here. I'm sorry I'm a mess."
Skylar slowly nodded. "Alright." She said softly and watched him stood up. "You dont have to, its fine." She followed him towards the door and stopped as she looked at him. "Not a problem, we're friends now right? Nah, no need to apologize. Really, you're allowed to grieve and work through your grief." She gave him a small smile before she gave him a hug. "Now, call that girl of yours." She gave him a knowing look and opened up the door. She started to walk and stopped before she turned to face him. "I mean it Dom. She needs to know."
Dom hugged her back briefly and he walked her outside. "I know I know. I'll tell her." He nodded. Dom paused as they were outside and he leaned over and pulled her into another hug. "Thanks again. I just..needed someone you know." He watched her leave and as he walked back inside he got his phone out to text Parker. -hey, so i need to talk to you about that thing that I told you i wanted to talk to you about. can you come over?- He pressed send and starred at his phone waiting for a response.
Parker was glad that Avery's regular babysitter was able to watch her, since she couldn't help but think about what was going on with Dom. She didn't want Avery to worry about her. She slipped her hands into her dress pockets as she paced back and forth, waiting to hear something from him since he ghosted, kind of anyways. "Fuck it." She grabbed her keys, grabbed her phone and headed over to his new place. She made sure that her door was locked and headed over to his place. Parker felt her heart dropped when she saw Skylar leaving his place and hid some bushes when she saw him outside with her. Was it the thing he wanted to talk to her about? She couldn't believe this was happening, nothing was making any sense. She poked her head above the bush and saw him pulled her into a hug. No, no. This was insane. She felt her phone vibrate a bit later and pulled it out. She stood up once she knew that Skylar was gone and headed up to his front door. -I'm at the front door.- She pressed sent, pocketed her phone and felt her blood boiling.
Dom sat up straight on the couch when Parker texted back so quickly. That was fast. He frowned and then went to the front door. He was a little tipsy but not drunk drunk. Not like she's seem him before. He opened the door and smiled. "Hi" he said. "What did you do run over here?" he asked a little sad chuckle came from his lips. He let her inside. "I'm sorry its still a mess. I havent had the motivation to unpack just yet" Dom wasn't in his usual chipper mood and for good reason. But Parker seemed upset maybe? "Is everything okay?" he asked.
Parker took a couple of breaths as she tried to control her emotions and looked up when she heard him open up the door. "Hi." She said softly and shook her head. "No, I was actually on my way over here." She looked at him, knowing that he was tispy and swallowed hard when she heard the chuckle. She shut the door behind her then moved into the living room, liking the place better than her own and closed her eyes. "No, um. I need to know if Skylar and you are back together because I refuse to be that girl who had high hopes of us getting back together when apparently she's over here and how much have you drink? Because if you're going to be drinking again, then Avery's not going over here until you're sober a.and I wont be with you if you're heavily drinking again and." She rolled her eyes at herself since her nerves got the best of her.
Dom frowned. "What?" he was so confused and Parker seemed so upset. He knew that telling her what he wanted to know was going to break her heart. "Im sorry, I'm sorry" he walked towards he and put his hands on her shoulders. "I'm not with Skylar. I'll explain okay. Just let me explain. I had a couple drinks I know I'm sorry. I just...today is a hard day." he couldn't help it when the tears started to fall from his eyes. He shook his head and sat down on the couch. "I don't want to tell you. Because I don't want you to feel the way I'm feeling right now and how I felt this way last year." he was almost balling now. "You might want to sit down" he said as he looked up at her.
Parker looked at him before she let out a breath and rested her head. "Thank god or I mightve done something stupid. Im sorry, Im sorry." She said. She looked up to see tears rolling down his cheeks, making her on the verge of tears and wiped them from his cheeks. "Baby, what's going on." She sat down next to him and rubbed his back. "Hey, whatever it is, we can work through it together as a team." Her head was spinning in all kinds of different directions now.
Dom shook his head. "I shouldve told you last year. But we werent in a good place and I didn't know how. I didn't want to break your heart again. I just couldnt." he swallowed thickly. "Grandpa passed away last year. Exactly one year ago today." He looked at her and he started to cry again. "Im sorry I didn't tell you. I just couldn't." he shook his head. "Skylar was with me when I found out. We were trying to be friends. Like actual friends and this whole week when the anniversary was coming up I panicked and she came over. We're jsut friends kinda of...not really. It doesnt matter though and I'm just so sorry."
Parker furrowed her eyebrows again as she rubbed his arm and stopped when she heard that grandpa passed away. "No." She said as she stood up, taking a deep breath and started to cry as she walked away from him. "No, not grandpa. H-How?" She swallowed hard as she tried to focus on him and sat down as she couldnt focus on him anymore. Her grandpa, the one family member who adopted her into the family. The other person she wanted to see while they were in Ohio, was gone. She buried her face in her hands as she bawled, feeling heartbroken and wasn't for sure what to feel. Between hearing that grandpa Jones was gone, the fact that Skylar was with him when he found out and the fact that she had been with him this whole week. She wasn't only grieving one death and heartbroken because of losing grandpa jones, but she was heartbroken to learn that Dom had kept this from her and had his ex there instead of her. The supposed be the love of his life, the mother of his child. "I-I don't care, you should've told me that he was gone, Dominic. I would've been there despite being in a bad place, not her." She looked up at him. "H-He was my grandpa too a..and now he's never going to meet his great granddaughter because of me and how selfish I was when it came to keeping her a secret from you guys." She let out a shaky breath as she rubbed her hands on her shorts and sniffed as she gotten up. "Do you have anymore alcohol?"
Dom hated to see her cry because it made him cry in return. He shook his head. "I know I know I should have. I'm sorry Parks. I'm so sorry" He frowned and shook his head. "You did what you thought was best and I should have told you. I didn't want to hurt you again. I didn't mean for Skylar to be there. I didn't want her to be there but she was and I can't change that. I can't change any of this and I just...I'm sorry." he took a deep breath and looked up at her as she stood. "Yeah in the kitchen." he said.
Parker "No, I didn't. Its obvious I didn't. Between two years ago and now, I didn't make the right choice." Parker said as she looked at him and shook her head before she let out a bitter chuckle. She walked into the kitchen, grabbed whatever she could find and took a swig of it. It had been years since she had straight alcohol, but she needed it. She spotted some whiskey, drank some and put the lid on it as she swallowed it. She could feel herself kind of tispy, but she wanted more. More to numb the pain. She grabbed the bottle, sat down in front of the couch and took the cap off of it before she took a drink from the bottle.
Dom watched her walk off to the kitchen and when she came back he looked over at her. They sat on the couch in silence for a long time. It felt like forever. He reached over to hold her free hand. He said silent not really knowing what to say. What could you say at a moment like this? He already apologized and explain. He felt horrible. He didn't want her to feel the same and here she was drinking on his couch, a place he never thought she would be.
Parker sniffed as she licked the whiskey from her lips and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand that held the bottle to get the rest of it off of her lips. "Was the funeral nice?" She finally asked softly as she looked at him and looked back ahead after she put the cap back onto the bottle. "I take it that she went with you there too?" She shouldnt be like this, but she was distraught, heartbroken and not knowing what else to say.
Dom frowned. "I wouldn't know. I didn't go" he said looking down at his lap and away from her. He couldnt look back at her and see the hurt in her eyes. "This week was the first time I talked to Skylar since last year.. Is that what you are really upset about here? That she was there and not you?" he asked finally looking over at her and shaking his head.
Parker glanced over at him and pulled her hand out of his hand before she placed the cap onto the bottle. "I honestly don't give a damn about Skylar now. I was a little upset at the fact that she was there and not me, but right now Im really upset at the fact that you didn't tell me that grandpa jones passed away when it happened. Im really upset at the fact that you chose to keep that information from me and I get that why, because you're in the grieving process and sure we were in a bad place, but I would've put that to the side to be there for you because I knew how much he meant to you and to your family." She swallowed some as she looked at him. "You didn't want to open up to me right away and wanted to wait to tell me. I get that, I do but dom. We're trying to be a couple again but we can't when one of us closes the other one off." She placed the bottle onto the floor and looked at him. "Your issues are my issues, your problems are mine. Your loses are mine." She swallowed hard as she studied him and shook her head. "We cant be Dom and Parks if we don't tell each other things. If we don't then we're going to end back in the place when we broke up the first time. And I am glad that she was there for you, because at least one of us were and is there for you."
Dom shook his head. “Really because it seems like oh do when you’re passive aggressive with me about her.” Dom stood up. “I told you why I didn’t tell you and yeah maybe it wasn’t the right thing to do but you have no right to blame me for not telling you when you kept a big ass secret from me for two years. It’s just as worse and hypocritical.” He shook his head. “I don’t want to fight with you today parker. Not today. I just can’t. I’m sorry and I’ll say sorry over and over again as much as you want me to but I can’t change it.” He had so much more that he wanted to say but he just couldn’t. It was exhausted and felt like before they broke up when they fought all the time. He looked at the floor. “I’m sorry,” He said quietly with sadness in his voice. He could feel himself starting to cry again.
Parker shook her head when he apologize. "No, don't be. You have a point. Im the one who should be sorry." She whispered after she let everything that he had said settled in and sat away from him. She wasn't for sure what else to say, so she stood up, grabbed the bottle of whiskey and placed it on the counter. She quietly found a box that was marked glasses, grabbed two and filled them with water after she washed them. She placed a glass for him in front of him and sat down where she was at and placed her glass next to her. "I think you should stay with Avery and I, I don't want you staying here by yourself. If you want, that is. Im not going to force you to stay with me though. I'll sleep on the couch and you can sleep in the bed."
Dom took the glass from her and he took a big gulp. He closed his eyes and ran his hand over his head. “Okay.” He agreed. “No it’s okay I don’t want to be alone tonight.” He moved behind the couch and put his hand on her shoulder. He leaned down and kissed the top of her head. “I’ll pack a bag.”
Parker nodded. "Okay." She spoke softly. She closed her eyes when she felt his hand on her shoulder and bit down on her bottom lip as she stopped a sob from escaping. She nodded again as she grabbed her water, took a drink, placed it next to her and pulled her knees close to her chest. She let out a shaky breath as she placed her hands on the back of her neck and rested her forehead against her knees. She knew that they would be back where they were because of her and they didn't that. Especially when there was their daughter now.
Dom went to his bedroom and packed a small bag of clothes. He moved back out to the living room seeing parker crawled up in a little ball. He frowned and moved quickly beside her. “Parks.” He said her name and pulled her into a tight hug. “Come here.” He spoke.
Parker wrapped her arms around him and stuffed her face into the crook of his neck. "Im so sorry." She whispered, knowing that she had a plan to take their family to visit grandpa Jones now.
Dom held her close and rubbed her arm reassuringly. “It’s ok” He whispered. “It’s gonna be okay.” He held her close for a while and pulled away slowly. He looked at her and touched her cheek. “I’m sorry too.”
Parker felt him rubbed her arm and let out a shaky breath. She sniffed as she nodded against him, wiped away some of the tears before she looked at him and shook her head. "You dont have to be sorry." She gave him a small smile and looked at him.
Dom looked down at her and he nodded. "Yeah I do" he kissed her forehead and pulled her closer. "Who's watching Avery right now?" he asked. He didn't want to walk in all crying and stuff with some babysitter he didn't know.
Parker shook her head. "No because you had a point." She whispered as she closed her eyes when he kissed her forehead and rested her head on his shoulder. "Her regular babysitter, Monica that watches her during the week and she's over there at her house." She swallowed some as she let out a breath.
Dom nodded. "You wanna get into bed and just watch movies all night and get a big tub of ice cream?" he asked. "Like we used to? Order pizza then?" he asked. Dom wanted to distract himself from the day. And he knew she probably needed it as well.
Parker sniffed as she nodded and stayed close to him. "Yeah and I'll tell Monica that Avery can stay there tonight. She has a daughter who's Avery's age and I don't want her to see us like this. Not yet." She closed her eyes as she licked her lips and listened to his heartbeat.
Dom nodded. "Yeah me either." he took a break. "You wanna just stay here for a little while then" he said as he kept her in his arms. He didn't want to let go. Ever. He wished he could keep her safe and stop all the hurting she was feeling right now because he knew how it felt. He was feeling it too.
Parker "Yes please." Parker replied as she rubbed his arm the best she could do and closed her eyes. She stayed quiet for a while before she opened up her eyes and looked around the best she could. "By the way, when we do order pizza, you're gonna answer the door."
Dom nodded. "i can do that." he smiled. "Lets go back over to your place yeah?" he asked. Dom stood up and he reached out his hand for her to take. He helped her up and kept her hand in his as he picked up his overnight bag. He walked out the front door with her and they walked down the road hand and hand towards Parker's.
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2* the AvPD
Conversation w/ my friend I mentioned earlier. With their name / identifying characteristics edited out and some chopping here and there.
___:
I made a post abt avod once tho and it got like
A few rbs and I thought
"if this isn't irony idk what is"
Trje
66ccff: ekjal;kdjd;
___:
me: why do, so many avoidants want to pay for being alive
avpd Tumblr: hm . I relate
66ccff: ekleja;ejdl;k
___: me: I'm glad to know people relate but are we fucking ok
66ccff:
LOL
i mean
mood tbh
___: HINESTLT like I noticed i do it cuz of you NFBNSBDKSBDKSS
66ccff: though do you mean pay as in like. pay the medical system or pay as in guilt
___: Guilt
66ccff:
kejk;ldj;L
yes
ok that is definitely me
me: i breathed 5 gallons of air within 3 hours i am so sorry world
___:
me: [realizes it's not entirely religious trauma and also probably just Guilt over taking up space and needing to help ppl otherwise Why Live?}
Oh
god me
66ccff: (this is not even ironic i get like this multiple times a week)
___:
hdjhdjsd
I've been having a bad ep lately actually and like
I think I failed to look 5-6 people in the eyes today
CUZ IM JUST [WALKS AROHND] WOW . TERRIBLE
66ccff:
omg it's ok i nearly cried in class today b/c i didn't have a good eng translation for this jp sentence
i was like.... no.... don't....
i stabilized cuz the teacher went on a tangent for a second but like
forcing myself to look in his eyes and act normal was
so
hard
i looked away so many times i wa slike. oog my god. end m
i love it when walking around where there's other people makes me really nervous and irritable
agoraphobia is great!
___:
GOD yea
It's so awkward for me I'm fine if I have a safe person or I'm walking to class but like
66ccff: i came back from class today and took a 6 hr nap cuz of my shame and agoraphobia
___:
Rip
Wish I could do that...
66ccff: well i haven't done my homework so
___:
I just. Cry a lot NDKSJDJDNSKDNS
rip
me: I'm strong
Me: spent the last 5 days like crying over nothing
66ccff:
dkjle;ajd i mean... i used to cry but then i got mad at myself for crying so now i just Repress (tm) and sleep and then. the joke is that sometimes it doesn't work
self harms... oops... that didn't work either
better nap again
___:
zz
Pillows keep u safe
Idk what I've been doing lately but I thought I was getting better til I realized I was like
Abstaining from feeding myself BFBJSBFSJJFD
66ccff: o h my god
___:
And I was like
"oh fuck I'm a terrible person bc someone told me I should eat and j Didn't Do It I Failed Them"
66ccff:
ahahahahaahahaha i thought i was getting better too but it was actually because i was just forcing myself to study to give myself an illusion of doing my part
and then i went to school and my actual performance is like
bad b/c i avoid so many activities that would make me better
and i just
___: samd
66ccff:
Wow
i want to die!
___:
hdjsjdjs
I think I only managed to eat cuz my brother was expecting me to
66ccff: tavpdfw you want to be punished constantly so you don't have to have anxiety about existing
___:
Cuz he bought me dinner like 6 hours ago but I didn't touch it til now BFJDJD
MEEEEE
66ccff: dkja;eljd;
___:
GOD
me: ah I feel good today
Me like 3 hours later: oh my God I shouldn't feel good abt myself that's so Selfish ? I am trash
66ccff: oh Mood
___: Avpd solidarity
66ccff:
honestly i love my environmental soicology class but liek
it talks about how we're all consuming and putting things back into the environment
___: Idk how I manage to have avpd and __pd but that's how it is on ths bitch of an earth
66ccff: and i was literally contemplating if death was the only way to take myself out from the cycle
___:
Me
Bhhjsfjd
66ccff:
i was like
holy shit. it's not just consumption i forgot
i also put bad gases into the air with everything i breathe
i am Bad
___:
All day today I was hearing abt what happened in Vegas and we were like. Talking in my apologetics class abt the Nature of Evil
66ccff: the true environmentalist take is death
___: And I was just thinking "why must I, exist if all I am is bad"
66ccff:
oh my god same!
i looked over my abt page and i was like
this looks fake tumblerina
___:
apologetics: so mankind is basically evil
Me: great! I'll die so there's less evil in the world
66ccff:
me
ME
MEMEMMEMEMEMMEMEMEMEME
___: HHDHSBDJSHD
66ccff:
sometimes i have fantasies of like
going backwards and apologizing to everyone i've ever talked to and to everyone who ever had to work to produce what i've consumed
___:
M. E
m
66ccff:
and then hoping that they forget about me and then like disappearing forever
i jsut can't see how some people can be like
oh yeah factories in china and mexico earn less than 2 dollars an hour to make our stuff
and not jus twant to kill themselves
___:
I'm just pathetic and compulsive if I feel bad about stuff I apologize til like 2 weeks after
God. Yea
66ccff:
the joke is that people hate if you overapologize
so you jsut
damned if you do damned if you dont :upside_down:
___:
me: uh sorry for being sad
People: don't apologize for that
Me:
Avpd:. They are mad that I am apologizing also that I am sad
Hhhfjjejd
Me:
ME
WKJD;LKD
"can you stop saying sorry"
"sorry"
___:
me: oh God I'm so miserable
Someone: oh im sorry
Me: I wish I could accept this but Pity is too much for a lowly worm like me
66ccff: "what did i just say"
___: MMSNDNBHHHHHHGGGGG
66ccff:
:smile: :gun:
MOOD
___: avpd feel when you don't deserve to be pitied ?
66ccff: pity is too much kindness
___:
God yea
LIKE probably just a conflicted feel but I prefer ppl being active than pitying me but then I'm like
"that's selfish I don't deserve that ?"
66ccff:
someone tells you to watch where you're going
feel like you're unable to go outside for the rest of the day
___:
m.
mebdbdhdhdjs
66ccff: oh yeah the joke is that i want people to like. be kind to me but also i don't
___: hell brain
66ccff: so i can't say what i want
___: GGG YEAH
66ccff:
be kind to me except don't because i'll feel invalid either way so maybe just don't talk to me
>feels worse anyway
___:
Hhhhhhhhhhh me
Me: talk to me ? But I don't know what to talk abt ? But I am also not good enough for pity you could just sit there maybe
But then the presence of another person will overwhlem me and I'll go cry again/s
66ccff: feel free to entertain yourself, and forget about me,
___:
Mebdndmdkskdjsja god
[looks at all cluster c disorders] you are all bitches and I hate tou
66ccff:
tavpdfw u gotta depersonalize to make it through the day of talking to other people and acting like ur a normal human bean
MOOD
___: GOD yea
66ccff:
i have a question though if im depersonalizing why do i still feel terrible even if i feel ilke im fake
smh
___: God me
66ccff:
me: i'm not real so heres me acting like i am chill and cool person that is interesting maybe or maybe not
me, inside: this sucks and i hate this but im not real so it shouldnt affect me but damn i hate this
when u feel separate from your auto-pilot but you still experience all the shame you would without it :thinking:
avpd is stupid and contradictory and evolutionarily useless
___:
__pd isnkind of the same but like
if you manage it well you can get stuff done but you still breakdown over the TINIEST DETAIL
I hate it
And I waste more time thinking abt what I'm gonna do and not actully
DOING MT SHIT
66ccff: cripes
___: LIKE A NORMAL PERSON
66ccff:
me in high school
UGH i'm ahving that problem right now
dude in high school i used to just waste my days reading manga and thnking i should do my homeworka
___:
me: I'll spend this hour scheduling
[2hours later]
Me: [stressed
nbdjdjjsjdjsjdks
66ccff: and then i'd like. start at 10pm and fuck myself over
___: rip
66ccff: have a crying session at 4am every time an essay is due the next day
___: I actually didn't do one of my assignments tonight
66ccff: bad coping habits
___: Rip me I got discouraged over something lame JFJSNFKSNFD
66ccff: oh mood
___:
relationship issues: occur
Me: well, I can't, do anything ever again
66ccff:
i shouldn't even be discouraged abt my classes bc i'm here to learn
and i'm just like. i know nothing i deserve to die
kejd;kakejd
friend, disagrees with you on something you feel unsure about: WELL I GUESS I AM BAD AND THEY HATE ME NOW time to ghost them
___:
me: [perceives someone not caring for me]
me: and Now...what is Mine Purpose...what do I live for...my Friends....have all abandoned m
MEEEEEE
avpd sounds super dramatic when you separate it from yourself but like
In the moment I'm always just [jdut starts Fucking Crying
66ccff:
i just want to manage to some kind of social work, give my wealth to some impoverished family, and then kms before 30
yeah
my therapists in the past are like
why... so soon
___: Jfjdjfjdf
66ccff: and i'm just like "why not i need to minimize all my ills on the world and also on the emotions of my family"
___: That reminds me of like. One of my mutuals talking abt how early he sleeps and he was just
66ccff: this is the optimal time look my life plan
___:
"why be awake longer than necessary"
Hdhdhfjsjfdjdjdband. I was just . Me
66ccff:
because you hate yourself too much sleep
:^)
___:
God yea
That's true. Me rn
I should've been asleep like an hour ago but [plays secret of Mana and then mopes]
66ccff:
dude i used to have bouts of insomnia b4 i got drugs that knock me out (and help me w/ anxiety)
like.... i would lay awake and every second of being awake was just making the situation worse
___: I feel like I should get meds to balance out my bipolar eps but
66ccff: but then i couldn't sleep anyway so it was a damned situation
___: my parents r so anti meds
66ccff: rrghbh
___:
also like
Internalized ableism
That I don't Needthem and So Many people don't need them
66ccff: oh yeah, why do my essay when i can read an hour of garbage romo manga and feel slightly less bad during that time and then hate myself more
___:
So I Can do it cuz I'm like Everyone Else and not like Those "crazy" people
Rifp
66ccff:
man i don't wanna encourage meds if your side effects r bad but honestly how did i get the fuck through high school other than triggering intense anxiety about all assignments
like...
i was so nonfunctional i shouldn't have even been in school
.....
66ccff:
all accessibility problems are solvable
humans are so bad
___: caring ? About others ? What a concept
66ccff: except sometimes they are good but that is definitely not me
___:
Me
Ok I try to overcompensate w good to make up for inherent badness THANKS RELIGION
66ccff:
the US is like: here's a pricetag for your life
pay up
___: AAAA
66ccff:
yeah i can see how christainity wouldn't help there
w/ the "original sin" and stuff
that doesn't quite exist in other abrahamic religions iirc
judaism doesn't even have hell
___: it's really weird
66ccff:
i'm guessing its bc of jesus
like.... y'all binches killed him
so now this is life
- christainity
___:
Like. Christianity makes the most sense to me probably cuz I grew up w it but fuck
Man
66ccff: o yeah i grew up w/ some christianity too
___: It's FUCKED!!!!!!
66ccff: i actually have agoraphobia issues w/ going inside of churches
___: Oh same
66ccff: :^)
___: I'm actually fairly anti-church just because the current state of them is very bsd
66ccff: oh yeah
....
66ccff:
how can someone like me, who is literally not deserving of life, raise someone else
scrumbles
___:
Me
Hdjehdsk
66ccff: ___ we are so fucked
___:
It's true
Life is fucked
We, are fucked
66ccff: existence is violence
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i miss my best friend. i miss her a lot. it’s not that she died or anything, but everything about our friendship crumbled and turned to dust when i moved away. i always felt bad about it. she was the only friend to show up at my old house at 5 am before we left. i dont know how i didnt cry but it broke my heart watching her walk back home from my house as the moving truck drove away. i didnt cry back then, but the memory is making me cry now because it just hurts. i dont know where it went wrong. the first few times icame back to visit my dad was fine. she’d come get me from his house (45 minutes away) and we’d drive back to our neighborhood and have a good time hanging out and talking. and then after that it felt like i was a burden. id text her and try to set something up for next time. it always seemed like something convenient would happen to where we couldnt hang out. where id just be stuck at my dad’s for 3 weeks straight. my other friends dropped me instantly when i moved, like i never really mattered to them in the first place. and maybe i didnt. i always had to butt my way in to conversations and practically invite myself to the things they did. maybe they never really liked me all along and they just tolerated me. but my best friend was always there. she’d been there for me since were we 5.
we were close. people always thought we were sisters. we even bought the same swimsuit on accident one year without telling each other. she was one of the first people i told when i got my period. her parents treated me like i was their second daughter too. i could always walk into their house unannounced and nobody minded. my own mom also treated her like a second daughter. my dad was always an asshole to her though and i will always resent him for it. i was always at her house every weekend. it was my escape. our friendship was my escape. the fights my parents had with each other didnt matter when icould leave and go a block away to her house. i spent every weekend there. we’d run around the entire neighborhood, even finding a secret broken fence that we could go through and nearly be right by the interstate. i remember being so sad one halloween when her parents bought her a sakura cosplay costume and i couldnt convince my parents to get me an ino one. i wish i would have forced myself to go out on the last halloween i spent there even though i was sick. i didnt know it would be my last.
ill never forget all the stupid youtube videos we watched on her dad’s computer in the basement. all the shitty youtube poops and cringy naruto chatrooms. or all the time we spent talking on the phone during the airing of new naruto episodes, or while we played animal crossing. my dad always yelled at me for being on the home phone so often but i didntcare.
i miss her so much but she changed an awful lot after i moved. i wonder if i would have changed like her if i stayed. i wonder if i would have gotten arrested for smoking weed in her car with her. i wonder if i could have kept her out of trouble. i dont know. all the times i went up to my dad’s, he always asked if i would be seeing her and i never knew. even though id try to plan with her months in advance, something always magically came up last second. so i just stopped trying. i stopped telling her when i would show up, since it wouldnt matter anyways. it just felt like i was nothing. it still feels like im nothing. part of me wonders if she felt relief when my dad died. i wonder if she was relieved that i wouldnt have a reason to visit anymore. a reason to bother her. the last time i went up was for my step grandad’s 100th birthday. i tried making plans with her months in advance, and magically the day before she has to take her mom to a doctor’s appointment.
i didnt know what i was expecting. i wasnt surprised. i felt bad asking my mom to take me and my bf to the zoo, but she had an old friend who lived near in that area so she said it was fine. i still felt like a burden. i felt like shit and i felt stupid in believing that anything had changed. we even went back to my old neighborhood and drove around. we drove past her house too, and my mom asked if i wanted to see if she was home. i just told her no. she never asked about it, but i think she knew that i was done. i was tired. a friendship of almost 10 years just. gone. like that.
i know i shouldnt miss her because in the end, she probably stopped caring about me. but god it fucking hurts. everything about it hurts. i miss her. i miss all the fun we’d have during the summer, or during breaks from school. i miss trick or treating with her. i miss running around the neighborhood with her. i wholly believed she was my platonic soulmate, and then my parents got divorced and i moved away and everything just crumbled like sand between my fingers. i just hurts and i dont know what to do about it. my head is a jumbled mess and i have so many regrets and intrusive thoughts about ever leaving. it keeps me up at night and it haunts me. among other things, but it feels like a stab to the chest every time. the memories are there but they feel like they’re from a lifetime ago. they feel like they’re from someone else that wasnt me. i just want to stop thinking about it and stop remembering it all so i can stop feeling regret and stop feeling so shitty but i cant. i cant stop my brain wont let me. evyerthing is just crumbling down and i cant stop it. i bet my dad would still be alive too if i stayed. i would have gotten onto his ass about his health. even through all the pain he caused my mom and the horrible financial situations he put us in because of his drinking habit and car habit he didnt deserve to die and i hate it. i hate it and i hate that my brother had to be up there and deal with it all because he was so young an ddidnt deserve it. he was only 14 and he saw his own dad dead on the hospital bed and there was nothing he could do. i thought i could trust my dad’s girlfriend but she was a bitch and she let him die she let him die and i cant forgive her she’s a nurser she should have known heart attack signs and called 911 right awya instead of waiting. she killed him and icant ever forgive her and i hope she gets what she deserves.
god this is devolving really quick and i cant sotp it im so sorry i cant i jsut need to get this out because my brain jsut wont stop and i cant stop thinking i cant stop crying i just want to stop existing for a while. but i dont want to die because i have too many people i care about anf theyd be so sad so i have to sstay. nobody online would know what happened and i cnat do that to them i lvoe them all so much. im sorry this is getting really bad i just wanted to get my thoughts out there and it turned into a mess. ill be okay i always am so please odnt worry im just. really really. i dont even know how to describe it.
i dont think i m going to be able to sleep well tonight but i have to go and try it’s alreayd so late
#kou bitches#negative#negative tw#really really negative#im sor sorry#i jsut wnated to rwrite my thoughts down because i jsut feel so weighed down and it got relaly bad#im okay i promsie im justnot in a good brain state#i didnt want to bother thr group chat with this and like nobody follwoes me here#im sor ry#death mention#death tw#i dont know how to tag this#long post#i tri3d to readmore it and i hope itbworks for people
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A few other fun things that went down
We went to a little headwash spot, called astral headwash, where you get a fifteen minute head wash and massage and its amazing. I asked if i could volunteer and they said yes! So i gave little guided meditations as i washed peoples heads and minds. Such a lovely experience. (reminder for myself: connecting with the girl with dreads)
The burn was around the time that it dawned on me, that my relationship with THC was coming to an end for now. A beautiful and freeing revolation
One of our camp mates brought these hilarious little tiny hands, that you can put on your fingers, and it looks like you had a tiny hand. Needless to say, this prop became an integral part of our hilarious week, filled with bits.
And lastly, i put together these awesome mdma supplement kits, to help protect your brain againsts toxicity from the mdma. Its a kit mostly full of antioxidants and i gave them away as gifts. This was something super important to me, to be able to help people be healthier, and to educate them on responsible mind expansion. It took me HOURS to work on them. I had about 90 kits, and was planning on giving away 30 at the burn. Before i left terris house, i put an extra kit in there for myself, but this kit was marked a bit differently cause i had put two capsles of mdma in one of the little baggies. I did it jsut in case i got stopped or checked by a police officer on my way in to the burn, as everyone was on high alert. I planned on taking the packet out and storing it spereately when i arrived. Flash forward about 5 days, i had gifted about 20 or 25 of the supplement kits. Everyone was so thankful and lovely and on the night of tycho, mikey, jake and i were gonna take my mdma, but i couldnt find it anywhere. All the sudden it hit me...hard. I had accidentally dosed one of the kits though because i hid my mdma in one of them. It was about 2am and my heart started beating very quickly. How could i have done something like this!? Everyone had trusted me!? How could i be so careless!? WHO DID I DOSE? HOW COULD I TELL THEM> WHAT WOULD THEY THINK!? I had to find everyone and tell them, all 25 people, in a festival of 70 thousand. Thank god about 12 or 13 of them were in our camp. So after a few good minutes of panic, i decided that there was nothing i could do immediately, and later that evening the moment i saw anyone i had given a kit to, i would tell them not to take the restof it, and i need to check it. THANK FUCKING GOD, pips was the first one i checked, and i found it before she dosed herself unknowingly. Everyone seemed pretty cool about it when i told them though. Most everyone was just excited about getting more mdma. In good measure, i gave her one of the capsules as reparations. Never again
The last day of the burn was very interesting experience. I was heading out in the early evening with magenta and mothballs. And i was a bit sad as the burn had quickly (as always) flown by me. I woke up early, to wake brittany up and we were going to go together to a random rab set. I woke up, rode over to her tent, but she wasnt inside so i figured this was my experience to have on my own. I rode through the freezing morning across the playa over to playa school, a sound camp that was literally covered in actual burning flames. Random rab was playing when i got there, and i started warming up a bit as the set went on. I danced a bit and a few things came up for me. I saw couples around me and people dancing with friends, and i just closed my eyes and moved with the music. Suddenly i saw the two twins come out of nowhere. These twins that for years ive seen over and over again, and while ive wanted to connect with them, the connection has always felt very superficial and in the past, for some reason, its been tough for me. When i saw them, we smiled and hugged, and for the next twenty mins or so i wrestled a bit with the feelings that were coming up after seeing them and yet again, repeating an ingenuine feeling interaction ived had with them a dozen times. All of the sudden, a guy comes up to me while im dancing and explains that he’s doing a day where he makes himself approach everyone he sees that he admires in some way, and must give them a compliment. So he comes up to me, and gives me this huge compliment about how beautiful and thinks i am etc etc. it was so beautiful that i started tearing up and started to cry a bit. It was such a perfectly timed interaction, it took me by surprise. We hugged and he dissapeared and i notice a guy dancing in front of me. He was shirtless and i noticed he had a ton of hebrew writing tattooed on him like a collar of a shirt. I asked him in hebrew what the tattoo meant, but he ended up being spanish. He explained that the tattoo was 72 names for god. He got it for protection. It dawned on me suddenly, that the entire time i was struggling, i was being watched over and protected. Protection was right next to me and i had no clue. This epiffany allowed me to surrender into the present and gain persepective that im always safe, im always being watched over, and everything is happening exactly how its supposed to. This helped me let go of the twins, allow them to be them, and as the set ended, and i headed to my shift at the zendo project, brittany rode by asking where i had been that morning. I told her i ran by her tent and couldnt find her, but that i went to the random rab set, she told me that she had been at the entire set too, but she must have been a bit further back from me. I smiled as a feeling sunk in that the morning’s experience really was one that i was destined to have alone. A beautiful final experience for the burn.
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speaking of That my mom is finally recognizing that when I say “i dont feel good” it doesnt mean i have a cold or sth its that Uh, im probably experiencing suicidal thoughts and cant express it well (or at least smth along those lines) and my house has been dirty cuz i havent cleaned in a while or i cant keep it clean and she n my sister cleaned an area and i repeatedly told her not to bc shes always using my sister to do things im not adequate enough to do on time and its rlly not fair to her even if she doesnt realize it cuz like shes only 12 & we dont ever even talk so she shouldnt have to take care of someone 5 years older than her.. and i was gonna clean but I basically slept all day so i could just clean alone at night when I feel safe to walk around the house . i wasnt even tired idk why i slept but now im eerily awake and maybe will be umless i force myself to sleep
its so lonely here and thats only hit me like this year cuz all the time before I would go through periods of hanging out after school maybe.. twice a year? and only hanging out with one person whod have many friends but theyd b my only friend which is a problem i tend to have. but it jst got to the point where im realizing, i think cuz i was in my schools drama program n exposed to lots of friendships, that im jst like ,really fucking lonely. Which is unfortunate because ive always been such an internal person at home and have been able to work creatively but thats all like leaving me? art doesnt make me happy anymore because i dislike my art so much and havent had a platform to share it in so long and i guess I thrive on other ppls opinions of it? and I definitely cant write anymore. I havent been able to zone in on an interest in MONTHS and thats left me creatively drained, a lot.
I think im starting to rlly, RLLY redirect my complete attention from interests to ppl (which always ends well am i right lads) and it isnt fair to ppl who like, have others and need space and time etc or Uh, dont even know me. but its like a switch like , I can either be creative or i can feel loved and Boy Howdy, do i need both,
its just weird cuz im the only one in my family thats emoitonal like this and I think thats why i feel so isolated. like im not exxagerating when I say my dad has 0 friends tht arent family. my mom has work friends she will hang out with maybe 4 times a year not for work, but shes always complaining abt social situations which I can understand. maybe my siblings r like that too but my sisters young n focuses on minecraft n stuff n hangs out w friends more than me n we barely know each other so its not like id know, maybe my half brother is but whens the last time hes wanted to talk to me right. like i cry all the time and all it does is make my dad angry at memfor being incompetent and make my mom think its her fault and my sister confused and jst takes up everyones time
and its jst all v strange. like i was kinda raised 2 not have friends, inadvertantly i guess. i can remember my mom trying to make me feel better about something along the lines of u can b okay w/out friends if u have family but she jst told me friends dont matter and im never gonna talk to ppl i meet at my age as an adult, so it stuck w/ me and i started to make moral judgements on ppl on small things we could talk out like say, they use homophobic language sometimes but im sure theyd respect me enough to stop, but id make those judgements before we could befriend each other n take a chance, kinda to protect myself from attachments? but later in life ive found ppl who dont do stuff like that, and thats when i focus in on them im an unfair way to them and they r the only person/group of ppl in my life, etc etc and idk how to stop because im so scared of hanging out w/ most ppl alone i guess? but ill still be here, thinking about like example (namedrop bc he doesnt have me tumblr anyways) my friend jacob tht never hung out w/ me outside of school but i fuccin loved that kid n he just stopped talking to me over the summer n ignored my text i send first day of summer and now we see each other and talk briefly but its like he wont let us be friends anymore and smth like this always happens and its So
and tbh how can i expect it to not happen when i limit myself so much n they will have plenty of other close close friends when i dont? and i think ive gotten better but idk anymore.
and uh, unrelated. I think my dog ive had for 12 years may have to end up being put down this year. hes got cataracts in both eyes and skin diseases and back problems and teeth problems (hes inbred) and hes losing his hearing too and for the past two weeks hes been peeing everywhere and we can let him out but he cant climb stairs anymore n he has to walk them to get to our yard and im the only one w/ the patience to pick him up (hes only 8 pounds) n put him in the yard bc my parents will jst scream at him n my sister doesnt like dogs and hes got seperation issues w me and whines when he cant be in my room which is the farthest from the door out n stuff. and its like rlly stressful my mom will scream at him in front of my sister n brother n me and the other day she said my dad grabbed him by the neck and threw him out on the concrete cuz he peed inside and hes so tiny that thats just gonna make everyting worse and its notmlike i can stop them bc why would anyone listen to me and hed prob b fine for s few more years if he lived in a patient house with ppl who would take him to the vet but theyre prob gonna put him down early snd its gonna b so weird w/out him
when i showered earlier i took s razor with me w/ the intent to cut my thighs, and i did a little, but i never ever draw blood wnd its strange. why am i given these urges when im so fucking terrified of blood. itll still leave marks n stuff but it makes me feel weak ? n ill bruise myself up instead but its never the same. and im such an advocate for help w self harm but i cant for myself. its like i subconsciously want 2 get caught ? idk. i did throw my razor away though and the others i have r rusty and im not THAT much of a dumbass so i dont have options to self harm anymore unless i get new ones. lifehack
and uh lol, having no schedule n it being summer my eating habits r SHIT. it always hurts to eat p much, its at different times n most of the time i just snck only or i dont eat for hours n see black spots n stuff. and when i dont eat its not a body image thing (im nt rlly happy w my nody but its not sth not eating will help with) its cuz i dknt wanna go upstairs for food where my dad is n the snacks r downstairs so its easier, or cuz i forget or cuz i like, want to punish myself? but im too lazy to self harm. its weird
n since ive stopped id’ing as ace officially my internalized lesbophobia has gotten so much worse . im so repressed and lost ans sad, nothinng rly makes sense? I either fall in love w/ anyone who flirts with me or i focus on someone who ill never fucking talk to or see again and imagine countless scenarios n set myself up to b sad. i seek validation from ppl on it but nothhing comes out right or i just cant say it, because other than when i make myself the butt of gay jokes i just cant sven get the words out of my throat that im gay cuz im jst so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive been looking at pictures of guys lately cuz ive been trying to force myself to like them. back when i thought i was pan it always felt safer bc i could always just love a cis guy or whatever and everything would b okay for my family ykno. and its such a shameful thing for me bc my irl friends who im out to, most see me as v confident abt it at least a little bc im loud abt it u kno, and make all sorts of jokes, and i jst know so many would b surprised or like sad abt that
i want to stop liking girls so much. like holy shit. i have so many straight girl friends and i hate it when they flirt with me because lik, none r my type so i feel nothing but then i feel like i shiuld then feel like No i shouldnt then feel like i shouldnt even be around them bc im a gross disgusting creepo dyke predator. n they always use the excuse of me having a gf so its fine id never hit on them well like, now im single so i have to be DOUBLE careful not to b affectionate w them as im w all my friends and itsssssssssssssmjshfjhdjfhsjdhjshdjshdjhsjdhsjhdjshdk
and i like, think abt this girl alot n yea its romantic even thomwe never fucking talked n rlly i do that w lots of girls and its making me lose out on friendships bc i wanna b their friends somehow bc i think theyre very cool n stuff but i cant stop hodling on to stupid daydreams n idealizations i get to distract me when im sad n its jst stupid like i know its dumb but guess whos boutta keeeeeeppppp doin it??!!!!! boy!!!
and i try so damn hard to talk feeling out, n talk abt who im attracted to n stuff w ppl, n i try so hard to gush but i cant cuz smth comes outta my mouth and then i cant speak past that and no one ends up rlly knowing how i feel, bc ANY time i talk abt anytingngay related abt me its what happens. and i listen to others talking abt tht stuff and i jsut get so god damn JEALOUS bc idk how to express myself
all these inadequacies n shit is making it rlly hard to see how,im gonna b on my own n its always been like this. at TWELVE YEARS OLD i came to fhe fucking conclusion that i was just gonna kill myself when i turned 18 so i didnt have to deal with all this and i was OKAY WITH IT and i just went through life knowing that and hiding it and so rarely questioning my inevitable suicide as a childc so instead of dealing with all that n my problems n getting better i let myself get worse cuz uh, fuck it right
idk its all just occured to me how im not a fully functioning human being, in seberal if not all aspects of my life, its weird. now that I actively want to live and realize i uh Kinda have to simce ill b the legal guardian of my brother its all very scary
sorr i was all over the place and all the typos i didnt mean anyof them n im not crytyping like, i cried a bit but i jst hate typing kn thsi shitty tablet keyboard, n dont wanna spellcheck. if u read through comgratulations also please dont message me abt like the self harm junk n my dog n stuff like, whatever ur abt to say. I Know my guy
time to go uhhhhhhhhhhh daydream about impossible gay shit with guilt in the back of my mind
#personal#animal abuse/#self harm/#other stuff probably i guess#nya#its long uhh full disclosure i sjt wanted to feel like i was talkin 2 someone nyall can ignore this
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