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#screaming shaking crying about them all day all daya
crygimethydgoode · 3 years
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Lover’s Fantasia Chapter 2 (Crystal Methyd x Gigi Goode RPDR12) August
you weren’t mine to lose
https://archiveofourown.org/works/32286397/chapters/80027479#workskin
Summer 2019
Between
Gigi sat in the back of the jeep in silence, listening to Rosy talk on the phone with Symone. Hunter kept his eyes on the road, but Gigi could feel him looking at her every minute or so. Like he thought she was going to break or something. “Yeah so we dropped Crystal off at the airport- yeah she was on the show with Gigi- well that’s why I’m bringing her up cause- Symone- Listen I’m trying to say that- stop asking questions! WE WILL BE HOME IN FIFTEEN MINUTES AND THEN GIGI WILL TELL US EVERYTHING! No, she hasn't told us anything cause... well... yeah. I- YES SYMONE BECAUSE SHE WAS CRYING,” Gigi and Hunter’s heads both whipped to glare at Rosy. “Sorry Geege,” Rosy muttered, shooting her a bashful smile. “We’ll be there soon, Symone. Bye,” Rosy hung up the phone and turned around in her seat, grabbing Gigi’s hand. “I’m sorry,” she repeated.
“It’s okay,” Gigi forced a smile. She really couldn’t be bothered to care. Not when she had just said goodbye to Crystal. Not when she had just found out about... everything. Not when the fire in Gigi’s chest had turned into a cold, empty... nothingness. Not when Crystal was worlds away.
As Hunter pulled into the driveway, Gigi saw Symone sprinting out the door to meet them. Despite everything, Gigi was relieved to see Symone and rushed out of the car to hug her.
“Geeeeeeeeeege,” Symone whispered, arms wrapped tight around her.
“Hi,” Gigi was choked up, realizing she was actually back. She could be normal again. Well, until the season was announced. Gigi knew her life would be utter chaos once the season aired. For now, she could just be one of the successful L.A. queens. Symone pulled away, grinning at Gigi.
“You had a whole welcoming entourage ready, but I told them you were exhausted and would see everyone tonight. Let’s go to your place and talk, okay?” Symone said evenly. Gigi couldn’t find the words but nodded gratefully as they crossed the street to her house.
“Everything is... the same,” Gigi was confused walking through her house. Everything was exactly where she had left it, untouched. But it all felt so utterly foreign, almost like Gigi was walking through a movie set of her house. Wasn’t she just in her hotel room with Crystal? How did she get here? “Did anything happen? While I was gone?” Gigi asked in an odd voice, looking around.
“No. We had an awfully boring time without you. Everything is the same as it was when you left,” Symone answered, unbothered. Rosy’s back was to Gigi, staring at one of the posters on the wall. But Hunter was looking at Gigi, a concerned expression on his face. Gigi could feel his calculating eyes on her and turned to look at him. Why was everything the same?
“Geege? What’s up?” Hunter asked cautiously, slowly crossing to her. Rosy wasn’t looking at the poster anymore.
“If... if nothing changed...” Gigi struggled to find the words, taking a deep shuddering breath. “If nothing changed... Why does... Why does it all feel so... why do I feel so different?” her voice was barely above a whisper, and she was mortified to feel tears springing to her eyes. “What’s wrong with me?” Gigi’s voice cracked, and Symone quickly rushed to her, sitting her down on the couch.
“Gigi... what the hell happened?” Rosy asked in her sweet voice. Gigi knew that voice like the back of her hand. Why did it sound so... foreign?
“I... I don’t even know,” Gigi whispered. Hunter rolled his eyes and plopped down next to Gigi on the couch.
“Bullshit. She met someone. Crystal... Methyd? One of the queens. And someone obviously self-destructed and fell for her during the show despite the fact that she lives halfway across the country. And has a boyfriend. And now she’s... yeah,” Hunter trailed off, and Gigi couldn’t help but laugh. Oh yeah. Crystal. That’s why everything had felt so different, so foreign. Gigi had been off in her own little world during Drag Race, just her and Crystal getting through the competition together, leaning on each other. And now she was back in the real world.
“I wanna hear about this Crystal Methyd. Why’s she got you going crazy? She’s not that great, is she?” Symone asked. Hunter, Gigi, and Rosy were deathly quiet, not meeting her eyes. They all knew. Finally, Hunter spoke up.
“Crystal is... really fucking amazing. We talked to her for like half an hour and she was just... the best,” Hunter admitted, Symone slowly nodded. Rosy, who had been oddly quiet, finally burst out.
“SHE’S SO COOL! Like she was so funny and so witty but so... nice. And Crystal really just has the best vibes like I feel like I could talk to her for hours. And she has a mullet!! Also, I stalked her on Instagram and her drag is so cool! She’s one of us,” Rosy sounded so excited, and Gigi felt her heart break a little. It wasn’t just her. Everyone saw how magical Crystal was. How did Gigi already miss her so much? Hadn’t she been with Crystal not even an hour ago? Why did it feel like Gigi hadn’t seen her in months?
“Alright I get it, she’s amazing. But still. What the hell happened?” Symone implored. Rosy and Hunter were looking at Gigi too, waiting for her to speak. And so she began. Gigi told them everything. How she was immediately fascinated by Crystal when she came into the werkroom. How Crystal’s room was next to hers. Gigi told them about the night she finally knocked on Crystal’s door, and how everything was different after that night. How they leaned on each other. How so many things went unspoken between them. How Gigi slowly fell for Crystal, except it wasn’t slow at all. How from the moment Crystal walked into the Werkroom Gigi knew she was doomed but didn’t want to admit it. And how Crystal told her about Paul at the airport, a guilty look on her face. Finally, she finished. Hunter, Rosy, and Symone were shocked, still just looking at Gigi. That was until a grin slowly spread on Rosy’s face.
“So what I’m hearing is... you get a real-life slowburn rom-com?” Rosy was trying to contain the excitement in her voice, but Gigi heard it loud and clear. Rosy dissolved into giggles, Gigi silently laughed into her hands, shoulders shaking. And Symone was just screaming.
“ALRIGHT NOPE!” Hunter yelled over the cackling. “This is why I’m SICK of you bitches. You say you’re gonna ‘slow burn’ and get your heart broken. NO GIGI.” He tried to sound strict, but Gigi knew he was fighting not to laugh.
“HAHA OKAY!” Symone cackled, and Rosy doubled over in laughter. “When has Gigi EVER listened to Hunter?!?!” And now Hunter was laughing too. And as Gigi looked at her dearest friends, she was relieved to finally feel happy to be home.
But she still felt like a part of her was missing, somewhere in the skies, on a plane back to Missouri.
But missing Crystal became easier. For a moment Gigi had been nervous. Nervous that she wouldn’t be able to handle it. But it was hard to miss Crystal when they talked every day. Every day, no matter what, they texted back and forth about the dumbest, smallest things. And no matter what, every Friday night Crystal FaceTimed Gigi before she went to bed. Sometimes they’d only talk for fifteen minutes. But some nights, after talking for hours, Crystal rubbing her eyes and slowly starting to slur her words, Gigi unable to hold back her yawns anymore, the two would just fall asleep together on FaceTime, neither of them wanting to hang up. It was nice.
Too bad Paul was there sometimes.
But Gigi surprisingly wasn’t bothered. Because Paul didn’t talk.
That’s a bit harsh. Paul was very quiet. Gigi was almost reminded of Crystal with the other girls, always keeping to herself unless spoken to. Gigi had always thought that’s just what Crystal was like in big groups. But now she knew. That’s what Crystal’s... life was like. But she didn’t seem to mind. So Gigi left it alone, and tried not to even think about Paul, knowing it would just drive her crazy. And she waited.
Fall 2019
Still Between
So for two months Gigi felt that aching emptiness in her chest, but it was bearable. She just felt so lucky that she got to miss someone like Crystal. And then, one Sunday morning in October, Gigi woke up to a voicemail from Crystal that left her body glowing gold with hope.
“GIGI!! Gigi. Giiiiiiiigiiiiiii. Hi. Hi it’s- it’s Crystal. Crystal Methyd. Crystal ELIZABETH Methyd, thank you. Gigi, we're gonna be famous. I never thought that would actually happen, you know? But I think... I think we’re gonna be REALLY famous. But... I don’t really care about that, I guess... ‘cause I just- I miss you Gigi Goode. Mmmmm I miss you soooooo much. And I- you wanna know how much I miss you? I’m really fucking drunk right now. And I-I’m with my friends and I’m very drunk right now. And I-I’m with my friends and I’m- I’m with my friends and I won’t stop talking about you. Lux says she’s sick of hearing your name. But I think your name is beautiful. But they- they said I talk about missing you wayyyyyy too much, and that I should just- like go live with you. Um... but I can’t... do that... so instead Daya got out her laptop and we got three plane tickets to go to L.A. in November. And I found a really cute air bnb in East Hollywood, right by you. Because I... I’m drunk and I really miss you. A lot. Paul’s asleep upstairs. He’s uh... sleeping I think. I miss you. And I want to see you really bad. So I’m coming to see you. Please don’t leave to go home while I’m in L.A. please. I really miss you. Because I’m... drunk... and the more sober I get... I think I start to miss you even more... so... yeah. Anyways bye, Gigi. Sincerely, Crystal Methyd. Bye.”
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eternalstann · 4 years
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Birthday Deja Vu
Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader
Warnings: Fluff, Smut..yktv
Summary: You surprise your best friend Tom for his birthday and things go even better than expected :)
Tom never forgot the day he first met you. It was three years ago, and they were about to wrap up filming Spiderman homecoming. They were all going to Zendaya’s house to celebrate. She’d told them she’d invited one of her childhood friends from when she was growing up in Oakland. The moment she introduced all of you, you all blended together like you’d been with them the entire time they’d known each other. Your magnetic energy is what made Tom so in awe of you; everyone there was dying to talk to you. Laura and Zendaya had been glued to your sides the whole night, And Jacob was constantly trying to make you laugh. You were just that amazing.
He’d been in the kitchen getting another wine cooler when you walked in, a vibrant smile on your face. Tom felt his self grow nervous, and tried his best to shake off the nerves only you made him feel. “You know you’re not supposed to be drinking in America, you’re only 20 Thomas!” You scold, wagging your finger at him jokingly before cracking open your own drink. “If I’m not supposed to be drinking then you’re definitely not supposed to be. How old are you again; 19?” He laughed, raising an eyebrow at you. “I guess it’ll have to be our little secret then” you smirked, holding your bottle up for a cheers.
“Our little secret!” you both say in unison before clinking the cold drinks in each of your hands together.
———
The group of you hung out often, laughing so hard your stomachs hurt and talking about life. Tom remembered everything you’d ever told him. How you were in college studying be a dental hygienist, the way you teased him for calling college ‘Uni’. How you and Zendaya complained about having to do your hair every morning if you’d slept over. “Sometimes I wish I were a man so I could just cut it all off” you exclaimed, and Tom rolled his eyes at your dramatics. The way you and Jacob play fought; much to his dismay. He didn’t like how close the two of you got. It didn’t dawn on him until later on why it bothered him so much. He remembered the car rides, Harrison driving and the rest of you piled in screaming Chris Brown lyrics at the top of your lungs.
As time went on the amount of time you all spent together dwindled. Zendaya busy with her Tommy Hilfiger line, Tom shooting and you with school. All of you made it known how much you missed each other, texting your group chat often. But after a while even that died down, and Tom hated it. Some nights he’d scroll through your old texts, the silly pictures and wild links to random shit you wanted to share.
Today was one of those days. Tom was bored, even though Jacob and Harrison were with him. Only one person could hold his interest right now and that was you.
“Do you guys remember that time Y/N fell down the stairs but made sure to save the cupcake in her hand?” Tom asked, a fond look on his face. Jacob and Harrison looked at each other and shook their heads. “Bro, this is like the fifth time you’ve brought up Y/N today, you miss her or something?” Jacob stared at him and Tom sat up. “Of course I miss her, she’s our friend and we haven’t seen her in a while, I miss her the same way I’d miss either of you guys. Is it weird to miss my friend?” Tom shot back, locking his phone to make sure they didn’t see the picture of you he’d been staring at.
“No need to get so defensive Tom!” Harrison chuckled, “why don’t you just FaceTime her or something if you miss her so bad?” He suggested and Tom thought for a moment. “I...I don’t know actually” he answered. “Yeah I FaceTime Y/N all the time” Jacob spoke and Tom couldn’t stop the sour look that came across his face. “What?” Tom asked in disbelief, what did they talk about? “She was just telling me about how her car broke down while she was on her way to graduation”
“Graduation?!” Tom felt like a real dickhead now. You’d graduated from college and he hadn’t even known. “When was this?” he pressed, scrolling to your contact name. He was going to call you. “It was four days ago, and don’t call her now she’s on vacation with her family!” Harrison told him and Tom ran a hand through his hair. He couldn’t believe it. Time truly had flown by, and he couldn’t help but worry that maybe too much time had gone by.
——
You had just walked back into your room when your phone began to ring, a FaceTime from Harrison. You smiled, grabbing the device and answering. “Hey Haz” you chirp, looking at the screen.
“Y/N!” He cheered and you noticed Jacob was with him. “Aww, you guys are together? I wish I could be with you, I miss you guys!” you cooed and they beamed at you. “Tom was with us too earlier, and we miss you too. That’s why we’re calling actually” Harrison replied. You felt your heart flutter at just the mention of Toms name. You raise your eyebrows and wait for them to continue. “We were thinking, in honor of you graduating, and Tom’s Birthday coming up that we all need to get together. Toms been missing you like crazy and it’s getting annoying” they both pretend to gag and you laugh. “Oh my god we totally should!” You tell them excitedly. The three of you don’t stop grinning the whole time you’re planning the little get together.
——
You cursed to yourself when you finally pulled into the parking spot in front of Tom’s house.. Fuck google maps. The place he was renting in L.A was beautiful, and you remembered that he’s a millionaire movie star in multiple block buster movies.
Suddenly your 2009 Jeep Compass looked really shitty. You debated on brining up your suitcase now but decided against it. You were going to stay for the weekend, today was Friday and Toms birthday was tomorrow. You walk up to the door, with your phone and keys in hand. You look down at your outfit; light blue jeans, white tank top and fluffy slides. You began to regret choosing to dress comfortable for the drive instead of actually looking cute. You shake your head and knock on the door. Not even thirty seconds go by before Zendaya pulls it open. “Daya!” You cry out as soon as you see her and she shrieks in response. “AH! I fucking missed you!” She yells jumping into your arms. You laugh and do your best to close the door with the extremely tall girl hanging on to you.
Toms head whipped to the door as soon as he heard your voice. He hadn’t known you were coming, but he’d never been happier to see anyone in his life. He watched as you spun Zendaya around, immediately noticing how long your hair had gotten, it was almost to your waist now. But it was when you finally put Zendaya down that he really got a chance to look at you. Once he did he felt his breathe hitch in his throat. “Holy shit” he heard Jacob murmur from beside him and he knew he saw all the same things he did.
The pair of light wash jeans you were wearing fit perfectly, accentuating your thighs, hips and of course your ass. Tom took a couple of deep breathes before he let his eyes travel upwards. Your midriff was bare, the white tank top you wore was cropped to show off your stomach. The skin there looked so smooth, and you’d pierced your belly button. The little diamond stud made Tom gulp. “Were her boobs always that big?” Jacob asked and Tom punched his arm. But he was asking himself the same thing in his head. He took in every inch of you. He studied your shoulders, only covered by the spaghetti straps of you shirt - no bra.
He shook himself from his lust filled trance. He was a grown man, acting like a teenage boy. You were one of his closest friends and here he was treating you like an object.
“Y/N...wow” Tom spoke breathily, standing up and walking over to hug you. It felt so good to hold you in his arms, and he relished in the giggle you let out when he squeezed you even tighter. You pulled back way too soon for Toms liking to look at him. “You look amazing, almost birthday boy” - your voice was so smooth, he could listen to you talk all day. “Look at your arms, my little Tommy is ripped!” You laughed and Tom hated how hot he felt from your words. “Look at you! Your hair, you look stunning. I missed you.” He rambled before hugging you again. he breathed in your scent, Of course you smelled amazing.
“Jeez Tom- we wanna hug her too!” Harrison exclaimed, yanking Tom away from you before pulling you in for hug. Tom wanted to punch his best friend but instead he sat down on the couch, leaving a spot for you so you could sit between him and Zendaya. After you’d greeted everyone you sat down. You turned your gaze to Zendaya, you could feel her eyes burning holes into you. “What?” You asked the girl with a mischievous smile curled across her lips.
“Um...last time I saw you we were almost the same bra size aka our tits were nonexistent. Now you have those things out here defying gravity” she smirked, poking the top of your cleavage and you pushed her hand away. “Oh my god, girl shut up!” You rolled your eyes. “No seriously, your boobs look amazing. I fucking wish” Harrison’s girlfriend chimed in and you felt bad, you’d already forgotten her name but you could tell that you were going to like her. “Did you get them done?” Jacob whispered loudly.
“You’re a clown Jacob, and I can barely afford to keep my car on the road, the last thing on my budget list is a boob job” you quipped. “I know I’m just kidding Y/N- What ended up happening with that by the way?” Jacob asks and you feel self conscience talking about your financial woes in front of your wealthy friends. “It’s cool- I got it fixed. My transmission was blown” you explain, hoping they would drop the subject.
“I’m glad you got it fixed! Someone ran into my car the other day” Zendaya added before going on talking about her accident. “Z, you just can’t drive” Tom snarked, earning a round of laughter.
The night went on with all of you laughing and talking, it wasn’t until four a.m any of you even thought about sleep. “You guys we have a whole day of plans set up for tomorrow, maybe we should go to sleep” Harrison suggests which surprises all of you. “I call sleeping with Y/N!” Zendaya shouts grabbing your hand but Jacob disagrees. “No way! Zendaya you go with Roxy, no one wants to hear her and Harrison fuck all night. Y/N should go with Tom and Harrison and I can share.” You try to hide how both nervous and excited you are about sharing a room with Tom. He makes you feel like a kid again. You all nod at the arrangements, except Harrison who is grumbling to himself as everyone says their good nights.
You walk into the kitchen, smiling to yourself when you feel a presence behind you. “You following me Thomas?” You ask, opening the door to the fridge and pulling out two wine coolers. “Yeah, I’m never letting you out of my sight again” Tom whispered and you feel butterflies in your stomach. You turn around to face him and hand him the drink, deja vu washing over you. “Let’s never go this long with out seeing each other again okay?” You croak, and you hate how needy you sound. “Trust me, you’re gonna want to block my number Y/N” he replied, taking a sip. The two of you drink in a comfortable silence, staring at each other.
“Let’s go upstairs” Tom murmurs, taking your hand in his and leading you to his bedroom. You feel like your floating. The buzz from your beverage and from being so near the man you were slowly coming to realize you were in love with. “Fuck! I left my suitcase in the car, my pajamas!” You hissed. “Y/N calm down, you can wear something of mine” the brown haired boy assured you. You nod at him and he looks at you warmly, “Downstairs I had the craziest feeling of Deja Vu. It reminded me of the night we first met” Tom confesses. You bite your lip, “I felt the same thing, it’s so crazy how time has flown by” you reminisce.
Tom hums, tossing you a T-shirt of his to sleep in. He strips down to his boxers, and climbs on the bed, he wriggled his eyebrows at you and motions for you to join him. “You’re sleeping in underwear, I will too” you shrug, tugging your jeans off and making your way beside him. “I mean...I’m not going to object” he chided. You lay down and face your friend, fixing a pillow under your head so you’re eye to eye. “Y/N I just want you to know how proud I am of you for graduating. You’re so incredible, I think you’re the smartest person I know. Congratulations” you can feel how genuine his words are. And the sincere expression on his face only convinced you further. You felt like crying. “I hope you know how proud I am of you too, movie-star” you giggle because you know how much he hates being called that. “Go to sleep, I love you” Tom confesses, his heart about to burst through his rib cage
“I love you too”
——-
Tom woke up first, and he has to do a double take at the sight of you splayed out in his bed in only your underwear. He groans and palms himself through his boxers. Of all mornings for him to wake up hard. He stares down at you. Your tank top had shifted so he could see your nipple, and the overwhelming urge to touch you coursed through him. It took every bit of his strength to tear his eyes away from your angelic form. He trudged his way to the bathroom and ran himself the coldest shower water he could stand.
When he comes back into the room, with his towel wrapped around his waist you’re awake. “Happy Birthday!” You scream, running to him and hugging his wet frame. “Thank you, thank you” He grins. “You smell nice” You note, before plopping back down on his bed. “Thank you..again. You can use my shower by the way” he points to the bathroom.
You were going to thank him when his door burst open. “HAPPY BIRTHDAY DICKHEAD” Harrison screams, followed the rest of your friends. Zendaya’s holding a cake, and Jacob your suitcase. They sing him an obnoxious rendition of happy birthday before they all disappear to get dressed. “I brought your suitcase up Y/N” Jacob tells you before he leaves.
Just like it always does when you’re with them, time flies by. You all go to lunch with his brothers Sam and Harry and spend the rest of day goofing off. Tom decided he wanted to go clubbing, much to Daya’s dismay - if it were up to her she’d never leave her house. But she agreed since it was his birthday. She had done your makeup for you, and had posted way too many pictures on her instagram story for your liking. She was still raving on about how good you looked as you slid into your heels.
“Let’s gooo” You sing-song and Zendaya follows you to the car. You two and Roxy decided to ride together so the boys could do whatever it is boys do.
-
Tom watched you walk into the club, and he knew he wasn’t the only one either. Zendaya and Roxy were beautiful- but you? He couldn’t even put it into words. He wanted to go over and wrap you in his arms, show everyone you were his. But you weren’t. You waved to him from across the room and he took a deep breathe before waving back, and walking over to you. “Let’s get fucked up!” You cheered grabbing his hand and leading him to the bar. “Two shots of patron on ice please” you smiled at the bartender and Tom balled up his fist at the way the man stared at you. “You got it gorgeous” he smirked, but you weren’t paying attention.
“Tom...TOM!” You call out to him, and he whips his head around to face you, pulling himself from his thoughts of strangling the bartender. This was going to be a long night.
Way too many shots and three hours later Tom was watching you and Roxy dancing, Zendaya recording and hyping the two of you up. “Aye!!! Go best friend, that’s my best friend!” She screamed. Harrison was laughing, a drink in his hand. Jacob was shitfaced, and you motioned for him to come over. He began dancing with the two of you, grinding together. Tom knew you were just having fun but he couldn’t help but feel jealous. “Oh shit! Get it Jacob” Zendaya yelled and Tom had to excuse himself to the bathroom. He was ready to go. He wished he was laying in bed with just the two of you, talking about about whatever you wanted. He stares at himself in the mirror. “Get it together Tom” he murmurs to himself.
When he comes back out the bathroom, you’re no longer on the dance floor. You’re sitting alone at the bar. Your head was resting in one of your hands, your other hand typing on your phone. “Hey” Tom spoke, and look up at him. “I was just about to text you!” You grin. You stand to hug him, pulling him close to you. “How was your birthday?” You whisper in his ear, arms wrapped around his neck. Tom shudders at the feeling of your breathe fanning against the shell of his ear. He places his own hands on your waist. “It was amazing, thank you Y/N” he kisses you on the forehead and you can feel yourself heating up. Everything he did was heightened due to your drunken state. You watched as he yawned and couldn’t help but frown. “You tired?” You ask, and he nods sheepishly. “Tommy can’t hang” you tease, “lets get out of here then” you smile. “Something tells me they’re not ready to leave” he laughs, shrugging towards the dance floor where Zendaya and Harrison were hitting the woah in sync.
“Let them stay then, we can just go” You offer, and Tom loves the sound of that. He nods, pulling up the Uber app off his phone and going to let the the rest of your friends know you were leaving. You stand, bobbing your head to the music while you wait. “Excuse me?” You hear a voice call out to you. You turn and recognize the bartender. “Yeah” you reply, still swaying to the rhythm. “I think you’re gorgeous and I was just wondering if I could get your phone number..” he asks, rubbing the back of his neck. You’re surprised at how nervous he seemed, and you bite your lip before nodding yes.
When Tom turns around to see you typing into some guys phone his heart drops into his stomach. “Y/N” he spoke walking behind you and putting an arm over your shoulder. “Who’s your friend?” Tom asks and you’d never wanted to be swallowed up by the ground more than that moment. Before you can speak, the bartender pipes up- “I’m Tyler, you are?” “Tom” he answers curtly, and you hear an edge in his voice you’d never heard before. “Nice to meet you Tom” “Yup you too” Tom quickly replies before pulling you towards the door. “Our Uber’s here” he informs you while you try you best to wave goodbye to Tyler.
“Jeez Tom” you exhale, once you’re inside the car. You stare at him but he stares at the back of the drivers head the whole car ride.
“Why’re you in such a hurry?” you giggle, poking his cheek, just before you step into the door. “You liked that dickhead?” He questions, shifting slightly on his feet. He regret asking you the moment the words left his mouth. What if he got an answer he didn’t like? “I mean he was cute, and nice” you shrug, not thinking much of it. “He was staring at you like you were his last meal the whole night!” Tom exclaims and your eyes widen.
“I’m a big girl Tom, you don’t need to worry about me” you reply. “I’m always worried about you! All I do is think about you all day long. I wonder what you’re doing or what you’re feeling. Because I love you, and not just in a friends type of way - I mean I love you like that too but-“ you cut him off and smash your lips to his. Maybe it was the alcohol in your system, but you had to kiss him. And when you did, there were no words to describe it. A satisfaction and warmth like no other. You hum at the feeling of his lips against yours.
“Tom, baby, lets go upstairs” you whine, running your hands down his chest. He nods, leading you to his bedroom. “Fuck, Y/N, you’re drunk - we shouldn’t” he groans and you roll your eyes. “So are you” You quip, and you watch a look of deep thought cross over his face. “Are you sure you want this?” He asks and you nod, a sweet smile on your lips. “I’m gonna need words baby” he whispers grabbing your hair in his hand and pulling your head backwards. “Yes, Tom! I want this, I want you!” You answer back, you were willing to beg if that’s what it took to get him inside of you. “Shit, okay baby I got you” he groans, he pulls off his shirt, and you’re making quick work of his jeans. “You don’t need to rush, we’ve got all the time in the world Y/N. I’ve wanted this for so long, I wanna take my time with you” He tells you. You feel your heart swell and your pussy throb. You stare up at him, letting your eyes take in all of him. His hair was disheveled, face tinted pink. To you, he’s never looked better.
You stand, sliding the straps of your dress off your shoulders. Tom watches in awe as it drops to the floor. You can’t help but to giggle at the look in his face. “Tom, as good as you look standing there, I really need you to fuck me now” you murmur, taking a step towards him closing the space between the two of you.
“Y/N I love you” he breathes burying his face into the crook of your neck, arms wrapped around your waist and pulling you as close as he could. “I love you too” you gasp when he places a wet kiss to your neck. You push him backwards and drop to your knees, and Tom is shaking his head at the sight of you. He’d never been more worked up in his life. “Happy Birthday Tommy” you smile, taking his length in your hand and pumping it slowly. You watch his face scrunch up in pleasure and you hope this night never ends. You use your hand to guide him into your mouth and the sound he makes has you dripping. You bob your head, suctioning your cheeks to suck him properly. “Fuckkkk” Tom groans, placing a hand on the back of your head. Picking up your pace, you reach down to play with his balls and he’s falling apart at your ministrations.
You look up at him, head tilted back and mouth open. You use your other hand to scrape your nails down his stomach, and you feel the muscles tensing up beneath your touch. “Y/N I’m gonna cum baby” he warns you and you go even faster. You can’t wait to taste him. You use your hand to pump what you can’t fit in your mouth and seconds later he’s shooting his load down your throat. He’s calling your name while you swallow every drop.
He picks you up and places you on the bed, on your back. The way he’s staring down at you makes you squirm. “Fuck, I cant believe this is happening” he whispers to himself. “Spread your legs, let me return the favor” he demands and you oblige. He gets down between your open knees and you shiver when his fingers stroke over your wet core. You sit up on your elbows to watch him, and you feel yourself ready to burst at the first lick of his tongue against your pussy. “Tastes heavenly” he mumbles against your skin, and you’re heaving. His tongue licks up and down your slit, pushing between your folds and dipping inside of you. “Fuck Tom” you moan and you know you’re close. His tongue moves up to focus on your clit and your through, legs shaking and fingers twisted in the sheets.
“Need to get inside you baby” his voice is rough with sex and all you can do is nod at him. You open your eyes to look up at him when he climbs on top of you and his gaze is already on your face. “I really love you” he reminds you and you love hearing it but you’re so ready for him, “I love you too Tom, but pleaseeeee fuck me” you beg. He leans down to kiss you, soft lips against yours. You wrap your arms around his neck, kissing him back with every ounce of you.
“Okay, okay- I’m sorry darling” he laughs breathily, before sliding into you. He feels so good inside of you, you had to be made for each other. “Shit Y/N, you’re perfect” he’s thrusting into you like his life depends on it, and you can only hold on for the ride. You wrap your legs around his waist, pushing him deeper. You wanted him like this forever. “Tom!” His name fell from your lips over and over as drove you both to your peaks. He grabs your left leg, pushing it back to your chest and speeds up even more. His other hand goes to your throat, squeezing while he slides in and out of you. “Cum for my Y/N” his voice washes over you as you orgasm, him moments after.
His eyes never leave your frame; in awe as your back arches off the bed, pleasure etched all over your face. He lays down beside you, and you snuggle into his side.
“I think it’s safe to say this has been my best birthday yet”
________________
hey beautiful, wonderful people. I love just imagining Tom hanging with friends, I know he’s THE most fun person ever. Anyways I hope y’all like this. I really liked the beginning but the smut just ain’t it for me I almost wanted to cut it out🥴
I love y’all, message me w ideas!!
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dayaray · 5 years
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WHO: Daya Ray and her siblings (Jakob, Hanna, and Freddie)
WHERE: The Ray apartment in Bayview
WHEN: July 4, 2019; 10:30am
WHAT: Kids just say the darndest things.
WARNINGS: Just pain. So much pain.
Holidays were always a little contentious in the Ray household. As the twins grew older, they began asking more questions about very normal things. Like where their parents were, and what Daya did for a job. She did her best to protect them, refusing to let the world touch them in this way, not if she could help it.
One of the ways she did this was that she had a rule of never being in public with her siblings. Jakob dropped them off and picked them up from school, took them to the park, went to the store with them. All very normal family things. When they were younger, it was easy to pass them off and say that she had to go to work ( never telling them what she did, of course ) or that she needed to sleep. Eventually, they were able to discern a pattern, and while she had tried to explain to them why it was so important to keep this a secret, she didn’t think they understood.
Freddie trusted her implicitly, never once making a fuss other than looking at her with sad brown eyes as he waved goodbye. But Hanna, Hanna was a firecracker in her own right. Fussy, bossy, A true Dominant. She pressed and pushed, always needing an answer that was satisfactory to her, and asked questions whose answers Daya didn’t know how to give.
The Fourth of July was generally a jolly affair. Jakob would take them down to Manor Park to enjoy the festival and the fireworks, and Daya would follow later, watching from afar but never interacting. Sharing it with them in a way that wasn’t exactly fulfilling, but necessary. Only this year, Hanna seemed to decide that it wasn’t enough for her. She demanded that Daya actually join them this year. 
“Are you a part of this family or not?” It was odd to hear her own words thrown back at her, though she usually used the phrase when one of them was sulking and refusing to eat dinner at the table. To hear it come from her baby’s sister bell-like voice, was jarring. 
“Hanna...” Jakob’s voice rumbled lowly, his tone a clear warning but Daya waved him away.
Kneeling down in front of her sister, she wiped at the petulant tears that were running down her cheeks. “I am. You know I am. I wish I could walk around sweetheart, but I can’t. You know that.” She brushed back a lock of hair that had fallen into her eyes, even as Hanna looked away with a pout. “I promise I’ll be there, and we can talk about it tonight over dinner before I go to work.”
A small hand slapped hers away and Daya swore she’d never forget what happened next. “You don’t care about us. You never want to spend any time with us, and you’d rather go and open your legs for whoever walks by. No wonder you’re a switch. I hate you!” Daya’s entire body froze and she felt like she’d been punched in the chest. She vaguely heard Jakob chastise her, his deep voice authoritative and sharp. There was the sound of running feet and a slamming door, and silence. Her eyes stared at the spot where Hanna had been standing, unseeing as she tried to process what all had just happened.
Daya had never had an experience like this before with Hanna. While she could be bossy and domineering, Hanna was gentle and kind, and those words were too different for her to have come up with them all on her own. Slow footfalls approached, and a small hand wiped the tears that she hadn’t realized were on her face. “That’s what Mrs. Donahue sold Charlie’s mom the other day before Jakob came to pick us up. I don’t think we were supposed to hear but we did.” His little voice was solemn as he continued comforting his older sister, a complete role reversal from what she should have been doing for him. Daya wasn’t surprised. Plenty of people had opinions on who she was and what they did, but until now, she believed that her family understood why things were that way. Clearly she was wrong. “I’m sorry she made you cry. That was mean.”
Bless this poor boy’s sweet heart. She prayed that he would find someone who would nurture that soft soul, and cultivate the light he still had. With a watery smile, she drew him into a tight hug, and they stayed in that position for a long moment. “It’s okay, honey. I understand why she’s upset. I would be too. You understand that none of that is true, right? I care about you so much, and I wish I could spend all day every day with you.” His eyes were thoughtful as he searched for an answer. It amazed her every day that he could be so wise and yet he was only nine years old.
“I know you care about us. I don’t really get why we can’t go out to dinner sometimes, but it’s okay. We can always eat here too.” It broke her heart a little to hear those words come from him as well behind a gaptoothed smile, and maybe Daya hadn’t done such a good job of showing them just how important they were to her life. It made her feel selfish, seeking out comfort in the arms of Aidan and Lex, having them buy her food, when she had her family at home. With a sniffle, she vowed to do better and pulled away, sending him down the hall to get ready to leave. Venturing towards the closed door, Daya hesitated just outside, unsure if she could handle another gut punch right now. 
But the door opened, a tearstained face poked out and a blur launched into her arms. Daya stumbled but found her footing, making sure they didn’t tumble down to the ground. A blubber of apologies flooded out and she just quietly stroked Hanna’s hair until she calmed down. “Thank you for apologizing, sweetheart. I’m sorry that I didn’t know you were feeling that way. Next time, I want you to come talk to me, okay? Instead of screaming and throwing tantrums, we’ll talk about it. How’s that sound?” A small nod, another tearful hug, and Daya kissed her forehead. “Now, no more tears. It’s a holiday! Go put some sunscreen on and you all can head out. And make sure Freddie gets the back of his neck!” she called after her as Hanna sped away. 
Jakob was leaning against the wall, a somber look on his face. “Don’t give me that look, Jakob. You know why it has to be this way,” she sighed, exhausted from the whiplash of the last twenty minutes. Daya knew also that her sister’s words would not leave her mind any time soon. “Freddie told me that Dear Mrs. Donahue said something and they overheard.” Turning to finish packing, she began to load sack lunches, extra sunscreen, some blankets, and an extra hat into a large linen tote. She handed the bag off to him and laughed at his grimace. “It’s fine. That old hag is just jealous that I’ve gotten better sex than she’ll ever see in her life, and I get paid better for it.” The smile was almost too easy to fake and she didn’t think her brother believed her either. But even though he towered over her in height, he was still her little brother, and had so much potential in him. He needed to focus on his future.
Only the sound of muffled giggles warned them before two figures came sailing through the air. Freddie had jumped lightly onto Daya’s back with the agility of a rabbit, tucking his face into her her neck and peeking out shyly. Hanna, on the other hand, nearly knocked Jakob over, though he nearly dropped the bag. “Okay you devils, ready to head out?” 
The three of them lined up at the door and Daya inspected each one, a ritual they’d done any time they left the house. She wiped a smudge of dirt from Freddie’s cheek and ruffled his hair with a smile and and gave him a kiss on the head. Next was Hanna, whose eyes were still a little red and puffy, but she had stuck an American flag sticker to her cheek. Another nod, another kiss on the head, and she was onto Jakob. These days, she rarely had to take care of him too much and he’d been a tremendous help in recent years. But still she remembered the scared eight year old boy who had stared at her when she told him their parents weren’t coming home. She straightened his collar a little bit and fussed with his hair, just to be a jerk. But he still leaned down, and she lifted herself on her toes to press a kiss to his forehead. 
“Okay, off you go you hooligans!” she laughed, shooing them out the door. They weren’t quiet as they tromped down the stairs of the old building they lived in, but eventually their voices drifted away and silence settled in once more. Smile slowly fading, Daya was left with her thoughts, and that was never a good sign. Shaking her head, she pushed away the thoughts and set about getting ready to leave as well. She wore her typical fare of canvas sneakers, tattered and patched denim shorts, and an old tank top that was softer than anything else she owned. She kept moving because if she didn’t, she would have to face the fact that she might actually be the worst sister ever.
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celestialsxturn · 6 years
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The highs and lows|| Daddy x reader
I shouldn't even publish this because it's so bad, but I wanted to show Daddy some love because all anyone cares about is Carol. Again I'm sorry for putting this trash online, I'll do better! [* I had to repost because I left out a bit of it as I was converting it from wattpad]
Epilogue
You saw the way Daddy looked at your new friend, Daya. Giving her special treatment n shit. You remembered when that was you. You used to be a cookie too. A few months back, that was you. You were Daddy's favorite girl, you were special, and you were the one she loved.
Now all of this is not to say that you hated Daya because she replaced you. It wasn't her fault she was so sexy with all those curves and that pretty face. In fact, if you weren't so into Daddy, you'd be all over her. You weren't upset with Daddy either. Daddy is a lion. She see's something she wants and pounces. You were just devastated because obviously you weren't enough.
You knew things were going south between the two of you when you found her slipping Oxy into Daya's shampoo cap. That's almost the same move she used on you. Soon, she would barely touch you, she started treating you just like annalisa and her other girls.
Surprisingly, you found it easy to be around Daya though. She taught you how to draw manga eyes and she was chill. You two talked about your pasts and she mentioned that she had a daughter by a CO from camp. She trusted you and you trusted her.
. . .
With Daddy, you kept your cool and didn't bitch and moan about your loss of attention or how she fucked up with the rats and CO Hellman backing out of business with D Block so the girls went through withdrawal. You were supportive throughout the heartbreak. You watch silently as 2 C block girls jump Daya for the oxy she traded. It hurt to just watch your friend get her ass whooped for fucking pills, but you wouldn't be no help to her after if you got jumped too. So you waited behind a corner till they left then rushed in.
"Fuck, Daya, you okay mama? Shit" you ask her, picking her up.
She groans trying to stand up, "Yeah I'm cool, I'm f- OUCH!" She yelps
"Shit, shit! Here let's go to Daddy, tell her what those cunt block bitches did!" You usher her away to the cell to find Daddy pacing nervously. Even anxious as hell she was fine as fuck. She immediately spots Daya limping as you let go of her.
"What the fuck happened to you guys?! You got the stuff??" Of course, her priorities are fucked
"Nothing happened to me, but they got Daya." I answer the first question.
Gasping for air, Daya adds, "They jumped me. Cunt block bitches."
Daddy faces me "Y/N, Why didn't you help her?"
"I weigh 105 pounds, what the fuck am I gonna do to some fat ass C Blocks?"
Back to Daya "Wheres the oxy, did you get it??" Daddy presses. She needs those pills, Barb is going through withdrawal.
"They took it!" Oh shit.
Daddy immediately spins on her feet, knocking over a cup. "Fuucck!"
You just stand aside watching, knowing that she's in deep shit with Barb now.
"What are you more concerned about? Me or the oxy?" Daya questions her, suprised. After all she is Daddy's special girl.
Daddy removes her hands from her neck, realizing how inconsiderate she sounds.
"Hey. Every one of those bitches gonna get her face carved out," Daddy tells her, face molding into one of concern and support "for touching you."
Wow, you remember when you were that important. It hurt to see how quickly you became just another girl to Daddy, no matter how many times she told you otherwise. Everyone knows there can't be two of Daddy's favorite girl.
You didn't realize, but your eyes are glistening with tears as you continue to watch them, not hearing anything up until Daddy says to daya "That's right. That's a good girl."
You couldn't take it anymore.
Daya looks up and asks you "what's wrong, Y/N?" You shake your head and wipe the tear away. She doesn't know. But you know, Daddy knows. You turn and run before they say anything else. You turn and head to the laundry room and bump into someone. Fucking Badison.
"Aww princess, what's the matter? Your Daddy dont love you no more?" The blonde teases.
"Fuck off, Fatison." You counter. You've done it, you've pissed off the top dog of C block, and no ones gonna save you.
"What did you call me, bitch? You don't wanna mess with me, especially when theres no one here to protect you." Badison threatens, spitting in your face. "Y'know, I heard about you. Sucking off Hellman for drugs, you're nothing but a dirty worthless slut. Girls, get in here, let's show D block who they're fucking with."
On cue, Teng and Akers come through the door, pulling shanks from their socks and waistbands. You realize that your fucked and you can't fight them all at the same time.
. . .
After you're all sliced up, you strain to pick yourself up. "Hnnnnggg, awe shit, fuck!" You whimper trying to walk back to your cell when Annalisa sees you and rushes toward you to help.
"What the fuck Y/N?!" She lifts up your shirt and finds about 30 cut wounds, and sees the shank in your hand. "Who the fuck cuts themselves like that? Just because Daddy replaced you doesn't mean you get all depressed!" You couldn't believe it! She thinks you did this to yourself?
"Wake the fuck up Annalisa!!! This was Badison and her dumbass flunkies! They even stomped my goddamn ankle!" You spit out though gritted teeth. Although it's excruciatingly painful for you to walk, you push her away and limp down the hall and back to your cell, surprisingly unnoticed. You wash your cuts and lay down, eventually drifting off to sleep.
. . .
A week goes by of you laying in bed, skipping work, and yet no one seems to notice. The cuts were healing nicely thanks to the antibiotic ointment in commisary, and your ankle is getting better. You've been listening to Flava To The Max on your radio to keep yourself entertained, otherwise you were crying your eyes out.
The kickball tournament is today and you're planning on hanging around outside of your cell for once since Daddy and Daya would be on the field. Avoiding them has been easier than you thought. But being alone all day with your thoughts was not good for you. All you can think of now is how sad your life is and how you must've fucked up for Daddy to not want you.
Daya approaches your door and wraps her knuckles on the door frame. "Hey, Y/N, we haven't seen you in a while. Daddy thinks you're avoiding her, what's up?"
"Oh, I just hurt my ankle so I've been resting."
"Well here's something for the pain then. And you should tell Daddy, she swears you're avoiding her." Daya tosses you a packet of heroin. That's what's been keeping them busy.
You look Daya in her eyes, "maybe I am avoiding her, but she ain't worried enough to come see me" you told her truthfully
"Yeah, I guess you right, but you can't hide forever. Were going to play kickball, see you after?" She asks
"Yeah, see you." You answer back.
You look at the heroin in your hand. You've only ever done weed and oxy, this is new territory for you. You were scared you'd become addicted. "Ahh fuck it, nothing can be as bad as how I'm feeling now." You pour a little onto the desk and sniff it up. Within a few seconds you shoot up energetically. "WOO GOOD STUFF!" You love the rush and soon, you dump the whole thing and sniff that up too. After a few minutes of hopping around, the energy starts to wear off and you suddenly feel very drowsy. All the memories of you and Daddy being together flood your mind at once. Tears spill down your cheeks as you find it hard to keep yourself awake, closing your eyes feels so good. You know that you're slipping out of consciousness or possibly dying, but maybe that's not such a bad thing. 'No ones gonna care, no one loves you' , you think. Your legs start to give way and before you know it, you're on the ground, winding if Daddy or anyone would care if you just died, and that's when your eyes finally shut.
. . .
Not long after, the kickball game ends and everyone is feeling United. Daya jogs to catch up to Daddy, remembering what you said.
"Yo, I saw Y/N before we came out here. She fucked up her ankle, that's why she been missing. It looked like it hurt bad, so I gave her some H for the pain." Daya tells her.
"Aand? Did you ask her the other thing??" Daddy asks
Daya looks at Daddy with concern in her eyes as they walk into D block, Annalisa listening behind them. "Yeah, she is avoiding you. I ain't ask her why but I told her you were worried and she said you weren't worried enough to go see her."
Daddy's eyes get big as golf balls and she goes "SHIT! Somethings up, I know it! She never gets like this."
That's when Annalisa cuts in, "she was like, cutting herself last week then she flipped the fuck out when I confronted her. She tried to blame Badison, but those Cunt Block bitches know better than to try anything"
That's when Daddy goes WILD. She shoves Annalisa, screaming in her face. "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?? WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU TELL ME??!! ARE YOU BATSHIT?? WHAT THE HELL, I GOTTA GO FIND HER!!" and with that, she and Daya run to your cell.
"Y/N we need to tal- FUCKING FUCK!! SHIT!!" There you are, passed out on the floor, empty heroin bag in hand. Daddy and Daya kneel beside you, trying to shake you awake "fuck, this is all my fault!" Daddy cries.
Daya places her hand on Daddy's back, trying to comfort her. "No it's not. You didn't know."
"It is my fault! I left her for you and I've been treating her like shit!! I should've checked on her!! She's not waking up!!" She continues to cry
Daya's in utter shock. The only thing she can think to do is check your pulse. Thank god you still have one. "Hey, hey. She's still alive, calm down. Let's get her to medical." Shes trying to remain as calm as possible, but her best friend is unconscious.
.  .  . 
You groan as your head pounds, waking you up. All at once it comes back to you, you passed out on heroin. Just then, the doctor notices you.
"Ah, you're awake! Your body was in shock from excessive drug intake, but you are good to go now if you feel okay." He explains. You nod, and he starts removing your IV and the monitors. As you walk back out to your block you see Daya and Daddy, who look like they've been crying, at your favorite table. You walk up and tap Daddy on her shoulder. She looks up in surprise, but gets a smile on her face when she sees you.
"Babygirl, you're okay!!!" Daya looks up too, smiling. Daddy jumps up and squeezes you tight. It feels right being in her arms again. You squeeze back as much as you can. "Baby I'm so sorry I treated you bad. I care about you so much, and I'm glad you're okay! I dont ever want to lose you, I fucking love you!" She cries into your shoulder. Daya gets up and wraps her arms around you both. " I'm sorry too, mama. I didn't know you and Daddy were a thing, and I'm sorry for being a bad bestfriend!" You cry too, but its tears of happiness. It feels good knowing you have two amazing people in your life. "I love you guys so much!" You stay like that for a while, then you all sit, and Daya says, "Y/N I care about Daddy a lot and I know you do too, which is why I would never wanna take her away from you. So I was thinking... maybe we can share." You look at her then at Daddy, asking for approval. "Fine by me, babe. 2 is better than one." You grin widely, overcome with joy and love. You got your Daddy back. And now you have Daya too.
"Alright so now that that's taken care of, let's go stomp on badisons fucking neck. No one fucks with Daddy's girls."
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hushpiper · 6 years
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Since you said it's easier to write your thoughts when you have a specific topic to talk about (and I really liked the way you talked about chapter 105 Eren when we were discussing the chapter in the Eren discord server), I want to ask: thoughts on Eren in chapter 105? and also on his current mental state? thanks
Ahhhh! Hey there, Daya! Thank you for the ask!
Eren’s mental state in 105: pretty fucked, all around.
The ways that people realistically react to and cope with seeing or doing terrible things have been a primary feature of this manga from day one. We see people shaking, screaming, and crying with fear, throwing up, lashing out in anger, going blank, questioning themselves, rationalizing their actions, repressing memories, forming separate identities, falling into depression or self-loathing–and that’s not even a complete list. In a genre usually characterized by power fantasies, Shingeki no Kyojin instead goes to pains to show us the powerlessness of its characters, and Isayama puts a lot of time and care into depicting their reactions to the trauma he inflicts on them.
Eren’s probably pretty depressed at this point. Mind, it’s hard to be a character in this series and not experience some depression, especially after the revelations in Grisha’s journals. In the past, Eren dealt with trauma and depression by pushing and fighting harder, and he only started to despair at the times when he thought his anger and determination wouldn’t be enough to change anything. But after the basement, it seems that he really isn’t strong enough to change this, at least not in any way that will matter. The world will never stop hating him and his people, simply because of what they are. No amount of shonen protagonist grit and determination can change that. Anger isn’t enough anymore.
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Which of course is nowhere near enough suffering for Isayama’s taste. So on top of having the dreams that drove him kicked over like a sandcastle on the shore, and on top of all the events of the series up until the timeskip, he also has several lifetimes of traumatic memories seething somewhere in his mind. So: you have the memories of devouring your father, of yourself being devoured, of watching an eight year old girl being devoured by dogs–and the list only gets more horrible from there–all forcing themselves, in full sensory detail, into your consciousness without warning. The memories are there now, out of the box, you have them. What do you do with them?
Put them away again.
So let’s talk about dissociation. Speaking very generally, dissociation describes the human mind’s ability to disconnect parts of itself from the rest as a way of coping with stress. It covers everything from daydreaming to depersonalization to amnesia, and most people have experienced low-level versions of it. In intensely traumatic or stressful situations a mind can keep itself calm by putting the emotions (or even the memories) over there, far away from itself. At its most dramatic it can take the form of identity issues like Reiner’s, but at other times it might “just” feel like the world is strangely far away, and you’re not really a part of it. Like whatever awful thing is happening, you’re not the one experiencing it, or doing it–or you are but it doesn’t seem real–and in any case it just doesn’t hurt like it should. And you can’t snap out of it.
Dissociation probably isn’t a new coping mechanism for Eren: his memories of his father’s death were locked away tight for years, and he can press on through enormous amounts of physical pain. He’s never leaned on it quite this heavily before, but with the constant pressure he’s under, his old responses of anger and determination just aren’t enough to help him cope anymore. And when he reaches for something stronger, the dissociation is there, letting him take the things that would be too much to deal with and–not necessarily consciously–put them over there. That eerie calm that we’ve seen in recent chapters is alarming, but not surprising. It’s not even new: we saw it begin to take hold before the timeskip–and even earlier than that, after the coup.
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And so we come to Liberio.
Although we don’t yet know why Eren decided to take this course of action, he clearly did feel that it was necessary. But the cost is high. This wouldn’t be the first time Eren has killed, but in the past he’s killed people he’s thought of as animals and monsters, not people he’s seen as being victims like himself. He’s jeopardizing his relationships with the people he cares about. He’s playing the part of the murderous monster that someone has to be, he’s isolating himself from others, and he doesn’t even know if it’ll be worth it. (”Maybe it’s hope. Maybe it’s yet another hell. I don’t know which it is.”)
There’s an element of walking stoically into the flames to Eren here. The person he’s always looked up to is looking down at him with disdain. This is fine. His friends are angry and may never trust him again. This is fine. He killed a lot of people today, including children. This is fine.
His friend is dead, and her last words were absurd, and this is not fine.
It’s hard to say where Eren’s going to go from here, emotionally. Sasha’s death overwhelmed him, but the dissociation will probably come back, and keep coming back, until he no longer needs it in order to keep going. That is Eren’s defining characteristic, after all: he keeps going, no matter what. Fight, because if you lose you die, and if you don’t fight then you can never win.
“Keep moving forward. That’s all we can do.”
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