This Week’s Horrible-Scopes
It’s time for this week’s Horrible-Scopes! So for those of you that know your Astrological Signs, cool! If not, just pick one, roll a D12, or just make it up as you go along. It really doesn’t matter. Better yet! Check out “Heart of the Game, Fredonia” and see if they can sell you those D12’s with the symbols on them. Tell them “Shujin Tribble” sentcha. And “Hail, Hail, Fredonia!” Home of the Blue Devil!
Continuing the Spooky-Month theme, we’ve generated a random list of horror movie titles and are going to make up a new plotline for each one. If you already know these movies, just know that we’re not sorry in the least.
Aries
In your movie titled, “Ginger Snaps”, you find yourself in the Upper West Side of Manhattan, NY in the mid-1950’s. Two groups of young men with slicked back hair are approaching you; They're all redheads. Suddenly music by Leonard Bernstein sings out of a window adorned with the Puerto Rican flag. Can you sing and dance your way out of this rumble in the concrete jungle?
Taurus
The year is 1986 and you find yourself in a musical recording studio. You’re the engineer working on the album, “Fore!” by Huey Lewis and the News. The band members are in isolated rooms when an overhead waterline breaks, spilling over the high voltage circuits for the building. Can you escape without being electrocuted? Can you get the band out too? Find out at the end of the 93-minute feature, “Jacob's Ladder”!
Gemini
Your movie is, basically, just… “Being John Malkovich”, but set in the early 80’s with a new musical soundtrack. Can you pilot a John Malkovich bio-mech suit while listening to Ska music in the musical-thriller feature release, “In the Mouth of Madness”. Let’s watch it at the drive in and find out.
Cancer Moon-Child
You and your friends have driven out to an old wooden shack of a house in the middle of nowhere, Tennessee. The trees surrounding you whisper in the breeze. Dead leaves keep splattering against the door and windows. There’s an old, creepy book with a face on it and a trap door to the cellar, chained and padlocked shut. Suddenly everything goes quiet! Deep footsteps can be heard on the wooden porch just before a shotgun blast tears off the lock. As the door opens, the silhouette of the most glorious chin in the world is revealed. Can you overcome… “Cabin Fever”? Opening Halloween Weekend.
Leo
You find yourself crouched behind a wooden crate in a blocky world with footsteps around you. You’re wearing dark military gear with a matching headband. A muted green glow on your wrist tells you what you’re needed to do: sneak into this facility, find some highly secretive intel, and bug out before you’re spotted. Will you avoid all the patrols and CCTV cameras in the world of…. “Whisper”?
Virgo
This is more of an Art Piece than a Horror Movie. Think “Saw”, but with the snobbiest wine taster you’ve ever known. Duct Tape them to a chair; ankles to neck to wrists, and have them watch in horror as their glass of wine sits on a table, out of reach, about to have the most vile desecration done to it. Because suspended over it, on a string, is a brick of ice - moments away from dropping into it. Welcome to…. “The Cube”!
Libra
She’s out there. You know she is, but you can’t know where. Flitting from tree to tree, mocking you. Daring you to find her. Imitating people’s voices that almost sound like people you knew. Even making comforting sounds to distract you. Your only weapon of defense… a pocket full of corn kernels and raisins. Welcome to the terror of… “The Crow”.
Scorpio
A first-person view’s Coming of Age story. You’re terrified, looking back and forth wildly. You know where you are - you’ve seen all these landmarks before when your mom drove you to the bowling alley with her for league days. But now you’re on your own. Your Huffy 5-speed bike under you as you look for the right road to get there… or will you chicken out and try to find your way home? Can you find your way without a map before your classmates find you? How will you survive… “A Nightmare on Elm Street”?
Sagittarius
It’s April. You’ve put off all the math until the last minute thinking you’ll be able to get everything done in time. But Midnight is fast-approaching and you don’t know where your tax deductions box is. You need to make it through, “Friday the 13th”! Released direct to video because no movie theatres would screen it!
Capricorn
Poor fifth graders, trying to grow up and be the Top Dogs of the school. They thought it’d be easy. They… Thought… Wrong. They’re outnumbered Ten-to-One with littler students who intend to make their last week of classes Hell on Earth. Welcome to the next chapter in…. “The Frighteners”!
Aquarius
Join us in a mild-mannered office, with a mild-mannered man, doing a mild-mannered job. Meet “Carl”, lead animator on one of the most popular childrens’ Saturday Morning Cartoon Series of 1969. But he’s trying to hide secrets from his Quality Checker. Smeared motions, missing facial features, wrong character placements from wide to close shots… Will he get paid this week, or lose his job? Follow Carl’s terror as he is… “Haunted”, by Hanna Barbera Studios.
Pisces
You were paid last month, but something’s wrong; you’re running out of time for your monthly auto-payments. The New Year’s party time was great, but now you’re literally paying it off with your life. Welcome to March as you try to survive… “28 Days Later”!
And THOSE are your Horrible-Scopes for this week! Remember if you liked what you got, we’re obviously not working hard enough at these. BUT! If you want a better or nastier one for your own sign or someone else’s, all you need to do to bribe me is just Let Me Know! These will be posted online at the end of each week via Tumblr, Twitter, Facebook, Discord and BLUESKY.
(Calling out @scoobydoomistakes specifically on this one!)
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Middle of the night. Like, exactly midnight. Im here scrumblin through @scoobydoomistakes because I like seeing the mistakes. I had JUST passed the three stooges orangutang when I hear this.
AAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAOOOOOO
That would apparently be the sound of my father imitating Tarzan because someone in his dream just closed a door on him really hard. Now to hope Tarzan took my message to heart when I yelled at him for waking up the whole house.
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[three-sentence fic that went over the limit; Ricky-centric, for the prompt 'future.']
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You've got a bright future ahead of you, said his mother to his small self, stroking his hair with tired, gentle pride. He remembers that.
These kids will have no future, bright or otherwise, thanks to him. Oh, god, he wants to say forever, I'm so sorry. But he won't get forever, and neither will they.
Five minutes, though. He picks up the sword, testing its weight in his hands. He can give them that much.
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Scooby-Doo Meets the Three Stooges Glitches
Lots of new glitches added to The New Scooby-Doo Movies episode Ghastly Ghost Town, guest-starring The Three Stooges. Take a look at these:
Curly doesn't move his lips to speak. Later, Shaggy does the same thing.
Freddy's eyebrows disappear.
Shaggy is so worried about rescuing Velma and the Stooges, he forgets all about Freddy and Daphne.
Moe has no pockets.
Not only Crunch, Rhino, and the Stooges, but also the whole gang have been exposed to dangerous radiation. And the sheriff lets Shaggy take a sample of uranium home to contaminate other innocents. See more glitches
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"What's holding it up?"
Carl the Animator: “Eh?"
Ted the Animator: “How's the gramophone balancing like that?"
Carl the Animator: “Oh. Huh."
Ted the Animator: “Was there some plot beat I missed about it being a supernatural gramophone?"
Carl the Animator: “Nah, nothing like that."
Ted the Animator: “Any guesses, then?"
Carl the Animator: “…industrial-strength cobwebs."
Ted the Animator: “Oh, that's your answer for everything."
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Velma is making the exact same mistake that the original 2000s live-action Scooby-Doo movies made: the characters are too meta for their own good and end up being assholes. When the 2000's live-action Scooby-Doo movies originally came out, people hated them because in what prior rendition of Scooby-Doo was Fred full of himself, Daphne a damsel in distress, and Velma completely unenthusiastic about her work? None of them. These traits made the characters unlikable, and if it weren't for Matthew Lillard's incredible portrayal of Shaggy, there's no way in hell those two live-action movies would have gotten a redemption in the late 2010s. Velma is making the same mistake, but without the redeemable fan favorite.
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