*for the purposes of this poll, "ears pierced" refers to a "standard" lobe piercing, in the middle of the lobe

i'm asking b/c everyone i grew up with who was AFAB got their ears pierced at birth, but i know it's not universal!

Should I...

no.

well...

Maybe?

Ok 1. I’ll share 1 wip

I should be working on others. But I’m working on this...

Worth it.

Who knows if it’ll be completed but this is the furthest I’ve gotten on any animatic so... Hopefully

No one get your hopes up too much but there is a chance I might finish this to a degree! 

The fanfic in question, that I’m making this for, is Sleuth Jesters by @/ Naffeclipse

A small rambling, but hear me out-

Imagine a

Yandere slow burn x Darling x yandere love at first sight

Where Yandere slow burn just slowly falls in love with their darling and they could even be cold and harsh to their darling at first and they slowly warm up to them and slowly start their obsession over their darling

Then comes in Yandere love at first sight just

boom

Head over heels with Darling and would just following them like a puppy would and obviously Yan! SB won't like some rando is just following their little darling all them fucking time like some desperate pathetic loser that's taking over their time alone with their darling and Yan!L@FS finds it sooooo unfair how Yan!SB knew their cute darling first it isn't fair it isn't fair!!

so it's just basically them doing a tug of war over their beloved

This probably won't make any sense lmao-

oh wow, the last time i posted was basically exactly a year ago lol.

well both a lot and nothing's changed much, i'm back to b emo again so that alone should say enough without saying anything

if anything things have gotten WORSE lmfao, i'm literally not supposed to be here right now but unfortunately the attempt fucking failed

nobody tells you how embarrassing that is - how did you fail at everything INCLUDING trying to kill yourself LMFAO, LIKE DAMN YOU REALLY CANT WIN

okay im being silly to cope but idk. when i got in touch with my counselor after it happened, she asked how much i wanted to be alive here on a scale from 1-10, with 10 being i literally wanna die right now in this instant, and 1 being miraculous healing and lifetime peace. the first day after i told her 8.5. three days later i said 3. it's a few weeks later now, and ive realized that my answer to the question has been sliding up and down everyday.

this is not even what i wanna talk about, i don't know how i ended up talking about that lol. anyway actually wait ANOTHER sb but artists im obsessed with rn: ka$hdami and 6arelyhuman okay moving on now ummm im trying so hard to be a 1 on that scale and maintain optimism and hope but like things keep going wrong and everything keeps irritating me and i genuinely feel like shit and i dont want to feel like shit because freaking 2014 just started, the year just started but unfortunately i am not optimistic about this year at all - i can't predict what will happen or how it will go or feel, everything is uncertain and im tired of being so unsure and incapable and it makes me want to leave earth because it's all just so tiring and now im just rambling hhhhh

to gather my thoughts coherently.. im bleeding out my fucking gooch. my charger is broken and wont charge my phone unless it's at an angle. my back camera is broken, my phone's been having storage issues, i don't feel pretty these days, i don't know what to do with my hair, it's freaking cold as hell in my house, i've got a sore throat, the only bathroom in the house with a bathtub has cold water so i can't take any soothing baths which is one of the best parts of being home, my sleep schedule is entirely in reverse, and i just feel so energetically exhausted. the house is a mess and my room is cluttered and my mom wants me to take down the christmas decorations, and i WANT to because cleaning makes me feel productive but i just don't have the stamina or ENERGY, like i feel physically sick and unwell and irritated and run down and incapable and i hate it so much, why is 2024 already off to the worst. and that's just in the present tense. in the future tense, like i said i am not optimistic about this year at all. i anticipate it being a really really difficult year and it makes me wanna cry because i don't wanna do it but i know i need to. you know how they say you have to get through the storm to see the other side? or some shit like that idfk, i dont wanna go through the storm! im so tired of the rain im so tired of being cold im so tired of goosebumps and anxiety and uncertainty and all of it !!!!!!! i've been trying to find my way through a storm for YEARS and it has not let up ONCE. i want to stop but i tried doing that and the universe just took me off pause and made me keep going, why couldn't they just let me join the stars. it would've been so much easier.

instead i have to stay here and try my best to heal and recover and work around my issues but i just can't imagine it, i can't imagine getting better i just don't see it. i can daydream about a version of myself that's better and stronger all i want, but i know in my heart that she'll never exist because i've been trying to be her for years and i just can't get there. i keep falling short. i keep failing. i keep taking L after L after L and im just. so. tired. i don't want to try anymore.

it's not always like this. sometimes there will be something that motivates me and makes me feel inspired to live again. but it always passes by and i come back to these feelings and this state. i keep falling back into this hole and it's such an exhausting up and down and back and forth.

the reason im here being emo again is i just feel like i can't talk to anyone about this. usually when i come back to this freaking blog that's the case. i always come back here when i have feelings that i need to release but i dont feel comfortable sharing with anyone. i don't wanna say anything on my spam because i don't want anyone to see all this negativity and darkness in me, and i don't want my close friends and innocent people to be randomly laden with this kind of depressing energy just as the year FRESH started and they're only casually scrolling their feed. you know what i mean? i hate scrolling my feed and seeing depressing shit. i don't wanna do that to my friends. i want peace and good vibes and good energy and a clean refreshing start to the year for them. i want them to be happy. i dont wanna post on my spam something that will gut their heart out, bring their mood down, and make them see me different. and it's the same with my best friend. not so much the last part cause they already know all these sides of me. and that is really relieving. but the only reason why i hold back from telling them this right now is because of the first reason - the year just started. they don't need this energy. we've already been having realtalks that are depressing enough. they dont need me calling them and texting them every time i feel depressed and manic and lost - that would be so shitty and i hate people who do that. it's energy stealing and self-centered. and for obvious reasons i don't talk to my family about these things. so i am left with this silly little blog, my beautiful void. oh how i love speaking into the void. it gives the illusion of speaking to someone without actually speaking to anyone. it's a perfect release.

but yeah idk, long story short im on my period, im sick with a sore throat, freezing in my house, feeling ugly and tired and incapable and irritated, with an inability to find optimism for the future and worst of all NO HOES! <;/3333

dude.. no because my love life is an entirely different type of pain. it's so... dude.

in the very least, i should be starting long-term therapy this year. that's the plan at least. my counselor gave me some recommendations, offices to call, and i have my dad's support. i'm gonna call in the numbers either tomorrow or thursday. i say this as "in the least" because even though i know it's supposed to be helpful, im not too optimistic about it. i don't like how many times i've used that word smfh. but im not - i don't really look forward to opening up about my 5 billion issues to a complete stranger. i have a hard enough time with the idea of how people perceive me. when i first started having sessions with my counselor, it really did not help because i didn't open up to her in the way i was supposed to. i told her surface level shit and sugar coated things instead of telling her the important things. im worried im only going to do that again. i don't like people seeing the worst of me - even when im PAYING them to see that side of me and when i NEED to show that side of me in order to FIX it. rahhhhhh. i also don't really look forward to it because i just see it as something large and overwhelming and unsolvable. my mental health that is. i don't look forward to tackling it in therapy. for only once a week? with that rate it's gonna take YEARS for me to figure myself out. and not only do i not have that kind of time, but it sounds so frustrating - slow agonizing progress, if any progress is made at all. im in such a pessimistic mood right now and i'm really not always like this - but this is also just the logical side of my brain. i just don't see it working out. i want it to. i want it to work badly - that's why we're going to try it. but i still am not optimistic about what the outcome will be and i am more daunted by the emotional and mental energy it will take out of me. i am second guessing if i should do school at the same time as therapy. i don't think any of this will go well. i only see myself getting consumed by things all over again - losing energy and motivation and time and getting depressed when everything goes wrong again. i think i might just also be scared by the process of healing. healing itself is not scary - but the process is terrifying. i don't trust it. i don't know if it will work. every time i thought i was healing i was just spiraling into a new unknown. the process of healing sounds so energetically draining, it sounds so deceptive, it sounds so emotionally torturing, it sounds fake, and it sounds incredibly time consuming and i already am NOT in time's favor. so i guess that's why i am not optimistic about this year - because i already know what the theme is. i already know what my focus is. this year for me, is all about healing and learning myself better. learning how to overcome my worst habits, my worst thoughts and emotions, and navigate situations that trigger them. this year is intended to be the year i start therapy. the year i put my mental health in the spotlight after years of trying to navigate it and figure it out on my own. i know the fact that im going to have professional support and guidance is supposed to be encouraging, but im so focused on the fact that there is so MUCH i need support and guidance with - and i need to tackle all of it once a week.. while in school... engaging with the very environment that deeply triggers me as i try not to be triggered, figure out ways around being triggered, SUCCEED at not getting triggered so i can therefore succeed in my academic environment, AND also figure out ways to make money on my own on the side. and that's not even going into deeper detail. idk, i just have so many needs to meet, and a billion things on my mind - obligations, responsibilities, needs, and they're all scrambled up in this big black scribble in my brain that's so thick i can hardly see through to the other side. and i don't like that blockage. i don't like that lack of foresight and clarity. i don't like the uncertainty. it makes me nervous and hesitant and resistant. i want to resist this year and this life so badly.

but all in all im just so tired. as always. it never goes away. the rage and frustration and exhaustion it just never goes away and i just really want a long long hug and a nice backrub.

please.

- 1.3.24 | 1:05 AM -

god every time i watch leverage i'm just reminded that like. they didn't HAVE to put in the amount of effort that they did! they didn't NEED to keep nate's storylines about his addiction and his son and his father consistent. they didn't NEED to stretch out the parker/hardison slowburn so elegantly. they didn't NEED to give tara goddamn cole a character arc despite her being in the show for like half a season!

but they did!! they did all of these things!!! and they also dedicated entire episodes to team-building (the rashomon job), they also kept sterling consistent, they also made the goddamn RUNDOWN JOB like. this show did not have to be as good as it is!! but it really is just SO GOOD

"ah! perry the platypus, i'm so glad you're here. you see, long ago, my mother took me and my brother roger to the movies... it was to see the newest martin scorsese film, goncharov. it was a very good movie. i especially loved the boat scene... [gets caught up in flashback] what was i saying? ah yes! you can imagine how upset i was, then, when i discovered that goncharov had NEVER BEEN MADE! so you see, i bring to you... the GONCH-INATOR!"

yes okay we've been making fun of RTD for his repeating patterns (see: his favorite trope, surprise extra david tennant!) but i AM excited for our dyed-blonde young lower-class protagonist to have a heart-wrenching confrontation with her lost parent in front of a church after the doctor (presumably) tells her she can't change history

what happens if we max out the global counter on the boop-o-meter. does that mean we win

honestly one of my biggest disappointments with the black widow movie was how they tried to make kiddo!natasha into this, like, ~quirky~ blue-haired kid with a fairly normal childhood before they had to go back to the red room. when like. aren't you guys interested in a natasha who has never once known a normal life and yet can parody it perfectly? don't you remember the horrified delight of seeing the red room girls learning american english from copying snow white? why are you so insistent on giving natasha "real parents" and an attachment to yelena based on a childhood in OHIO when you can instead talk about natasha living in ohio as just as much of an undercover agent as her "parents". don't you see that the best horror of natasha pointing a gun at her handlers is not that she's holding a gun but that she knows how to use it???

see it's like. yes, locked tomb princess bride au!

harrow pushes the dread pirate kiriona off the cliff and as she rolls down gideon yells "AS YOU WISH" and harrow is so horrified she throws herself down too! like yes, of course! but also.

harrow saying "inconceivable!" and gideon saying "i do not think that word means what you think it means" -- gideon saying she'll fight their pursuer left-handed and harrow rolling her eyes and letting her. but also!

gideon BEING the pursuer and saying that killing camilla ("my name is camilla hect. you killed my adept. prepare to die.") would be like destroying a stained-glass window. but ALSO.

gideon being buttercup and harrow leading her through the fire swamp.

BUT ALSO. the "only mostly dead" scene except abigail pent is miracle max, magnus is her househusband, and they're in harrow's dreamscape talking about harrow herself.

BUT ALSO! harrow is the sick kid, actually, and ortus is the grandfather reading her the story.

how are we supposed to decide!!!

^ about where my brain is tonight

when eliot is scared he freezes. when hardison is thrown into the pool in big bang, he doesn't react at all -- and yeah, that's bone-deep trust in hardison's ability to get out alive. but it's also a very deep, animal fear of showing moreau any kind of weakness or attachment. eliot is a guy who knows how to take a punch and when it comes down to it, he crouches over his stomach and takes the fucking punch

i keep feeling like. there's something parallel between rose and yaz's endings. maybe parallel isn't the right word -- but i keep wanting to draw comparisons, i think because they're two characters who really defined specific doctors and for whom it's basically confirmed the doctor returned their (romantic) feelings

(they're not the ONLY ones who fit this description, but i'm in no way qualified to talk about clara or even river, so bear with me)

it just feels. i don't know. rose never leaves on purpose. she is separated from the doctor, forcibly, every single time. the doctor sends her home, or she gets stuck in an alternate universe, or the doctor leaves her in the same alternate universe. every single time, she fights to get back to the doctor. the writers had to create a perfect happy ending for her (half-human version of her doctor who'll age along with her, in the alternate universe where her father is alive) because otherwise she wouldn't stop fighting to get back to the doctor, and the show can't have that. the show needs to move on. we need rose to fade into the past.

i haven't seen all of yaz's episodes, but her arc seems very similar from the limited amount i've seen. she keeps fighting to get back to the doctor. she's in love with the doctor, and the doctor basically confirms returning her feelings, albeit in a very stilted, hesitant, doctor-y way (compare "imagine that happening to someone you--" with "and if i was going to, believe me, it would be with you").

but when yasmin's doctor regenerates... yaz is just expected to. step away, go back to living her life, never see the doctor again. kinda like the abandonment that most companions have ever experienced -- getting dropped off once and then goodbye forever! -- except with more of the onus on her. the show has to move on from rose's era, so she gets dumped on a beach. the show has to move on from yasmin's era, so yaz has to accept that the doctor is going off to die alone. she has to make her peace with that information.

i don't know. i think yaz's ending is trying to go hand-in-hand with graham and ryan's purposeful exit -- it seems like the chibnall era tried really hard to have Not Terrible endings for companions. which is very admirable! but honestly? yasmin's ending feels crueler than most, including rose's. yaz was in love with the doctor. the doctor reciprocated those feelings. they should've gotten their equivalent of s2-era 10rose! she should've gotten a chance to stay with the doctor through their regeneration, the way other love interests have been able to (s/o to river and clara!).

i know this is because of the limitations of the show. bad ratings meant chibnall left after only one regeneration, and new incarnations of the show rarely bring in characters from other eras.

but i'm still very sad for yaz :( like yes, she wasn't just dumped on the curb without warning. but she was still expected to say goodbye to someone she loved, knowing that person was dying, and not say a word of protest. if the previous history of the show is any indication, she's never going to see the doctor again. she doesn't get a half-human version of the doctor to live out her days with, and she's not "allowed" to fight to get back to the doctor, either, due to the way the show's structured (but also the way the doctor talked about them saying goodbye). she has to live the rest of her life knowing that the doctor is out there, perfectly capable of visiting, and the only reason they won't visit is because yaz is from a specific time of their life that they've moved on from.

i know she has the companion support group. and i know she'll move on! she's yaz. she's strong and self-actualized. she'll be okay, eventually. but she has to be okay, you know? she has to learn to live without the doctor. rose never had to do that.

it just makes me sad :(

guys if they split up the clothes between them. and 15 was running around in a shirt and underwear and nothing else. does that mean. does that mean tenthree wasn't wearing--

i love rewatching firebringer because you can hear the audience get dead silent for the chorn part. all the laughter after that part is either slightly quieter than usual or much more hysterical than usual (because of the leftover shock of chorn). can you imagine. you spend months excited to watch starkid's newest musical about prehistoric society and in the last ten minutes it very briefly becomes a beautifully sung scifi opera before it IMMEDIATELY dovetails back into the emotional arc of the show. i would lose my shit.