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cambrinkisbae · 1 month

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.·:·.✧ Say No ✧.·:·.

NIka Muhl x Fem!Reader

"your probably having good times with a bad boy"

word count - 2.1k

themes:

-angst if u squint

-slight sexual content

-light fluff

A/N - this is gonna be a short series but I wrote this in honor of the weather getting warmer and so that I'm not so depressed about Nika leaving. sorry its so short..

Me and Nika Muhl started dating July 7th of 2022. It was a regular summer day in California. The entire team decided to go on a vacation together. It was hard leaving Connecticut to go hang out with the team I had just joined but oh whatever. The only downside to his trip was my shitty boyfriend.

Ex. Ex boyfriend sorry.

I had a mango smoothie in hand and watched as Paige and Azzi splashed each other with the bluest of waters. Every couple seconds I'd feel a breeze rush against my exposed collarbones. Even as the sun was beating down on me I felt so fresh and clean and free. My fingers felt around the sand I was sitting in. My eyes drifted from the ocean to the sky which was painted with oranges and yellows with pinky tones in-between. I took a sip from my smoothie before looking to my ride to find a creation brunette sitting down next to me. A soft smile was placed on her face as she made herself comfortable next to me.

Throughout the time that I was on this team, me and Nika barely talked outside of game days and team dinners. If I'm being honest, This summer was going to be my designated time to get closer with her. So her openly sitting next to me was a major step.

"Hey" her eyes flashed from the sand to me.

I quickly shaped my lips into a smile and looked into Nika's eyes.

"Hi theree"

I noticed her hands were wrapped around the handle of a beige tote bag. She let go of the bag to rest her hands against her chest as she laid herself down. Her sunglasses were black with a slightly lighter lens. She had on a bright blue bikini that the ends of her hair grazed ever so slightly. I felt her eyes linger towards mine as I admired her features.

"Sorry we haven't gotten to talk a lot in the past couple months" she said softly, accent thick.

"Your good. We have the whole summer to make up for it so don't worry" I kept my eyes locked on the ocean.

Up until now I thought Nika was the mean point guard who everyone was petrified by. And I was very convinced that they had a reason. But now talking to her face to face I felt myself grow confused on how this could've gotten around.

"Why aren't you out in the water huh?" The brunette said pointing to the ocean.

I shrugged my shoulders and turned my head to face Nika.

"I forgot my suit" an excuse quickly slipped out.

"Oh sure.." Nika said under her breath, clearly not believing me

Our conversation eventually died out so I decided to pull out a book from my beach bag. I flipped through the pages to find my last place and began reading. as I got lost in the words I didn't even realize that Nika had gotten up to go swim with the other girls. I peered through the top of my book to see Nika gently slipping her feet into the water. Ines quickly jumped onto Nika's back like a toddler on her mom. I couldn't help but giggle at the sight of Nika getting absolutely dunked into the water. Everyone but me and Qadence were in the water. I almost forgot I was even reading by the time Nika looked at me. I was caught staring at her. in a bikini. shit. I quickly darted my eyes down into my book and pretended that nothing happened.

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Once the team got back to the hotel we were staying at the only thing I could focus on was trying to avoid Nika. Of course it was my luck that I happened to room with her. What a coincidence. I walked through the door of our room and set my flower printed bag on my bed and showered before doing anything else. I played my favorite summer playlist and left my clothes on the floor before stepping into the shower. My mind kept going back to the beach and seeing Nika in her bathing suit. Fuck. Doesn't she have a boyfriend or something? I cant be thinking this shit. But the way her hair was all wet and her laugh was so addicting to remember. The hot water running down my back along with the thought of Nika sent chills along my arms effortlessly.

I kept trying to focus on whatever SZA song was playing on my speaker but failed miserably. Soon enough I got out of the shower and slipped on a silk pajama set on. I braided my hair tightly and cleaned up the bathroom before turning the light off and leaving. When I got out of the bathroom the bedroom was still empty. Thank god. I flipped open my computer and turned on Outer Banks before pulling out my sketch book.

I came up with a rule before I came to UConn. The rule was that after everyday I have to draw anything that comes to mind until my mind is clear. Whether its cleared of happiness or anger. And I stuck to it.

Of course I had to draw the ocean and sand and all those beach like things. Before I knew it, I was drawing Nika. With her hair up with her hair down. In her bikini, in the outfit she wore yesterday and the day before. The was the first day that I had to shut my sketch book before my mind was clear because what the fuck was I doing. I couldn't be drawing Nika like a fucking psychopath. I stuffed my book into my suitcase and laid down on my bed. Time flew by as I watched more episodes of Outer Banks. So much time went by that when I was about to click 'next episode' to watch the last episode of season 3, Paige knocked on the door. Her head peeked through slowly. she had a devious smile on her lips and just like that her, Azzi, KK, Ice, and Nika busted through my door giggling and jumping around. Great they got high without me. I quickly protected my computer by closing it and putting it on my nightstand. Azzi crawled on top of my bed and sat next to me, placing her head on my shoulder.

While everyone laughed around hitting each other with pillows, I saw Nika standing in the corner on her phone. Her eyes seemed to get less and less dilated the more she tapped her thumbs aggressively on her screen. I stood up and walked up to her.

"You good?" I tried to not be nosey but gave up and looked down at her phone. She slowly handed it to me to show a text that her "boyfriend" sent. They broke up.

I quickly wrapped my arms around Nika and squeezed her tightly.

"He's going to be missing out on a lot love dont' worry"

Nika couldn't help but let a couple tears roll down her face. Just as I thought she was going to collapse and sob into my arms she pulled away and stared into my eyes menacingly. Her fingers quickly wrapped around my hand and began dragging me to the side. I looked up to see Nika leading me outside into the hallway. she led me all the way to Paige and Azzi's room. Without any hesitation she shut the door and locked it behind her.

"Nika what are you doi-" I began to say

"Shut up please."

Before even realizing what was happening I felt Nika press her lips against mine. A small gasp left my mouth but it wasn't a gasp that said I don't want to do this it was a gasp that said don't stop. My tongue quickly found its place against hers. Her hand lifted my thigh up against her hips and I quickly followed what she was doing by lifting my other leg up around her waist. She lifted my entire body up against hers and carried me to the other wall. She pressed my back against the wall and moved her lips down my neck, pausing in-between kisses to leave marks around each vein. My hands were wrapped around the back of her neck, my nails slightly dug into her skin the lower she got.

"Off." She said sternly once her lips reached the edge of my pajama top.

I didn't pause to think about anything and took off my top revealing my sports bra. Her fingers teased at the hem of my pants clearly wanting to take them off. Unfortunately for her it wasn't that easy.

"uh uh. you first"

I looked her dead in the eye and ran my hands across her tank top. Her hand released my waist, not changing the grip my legs had onto her waist. She slipped off her black tank top without breaking our eye contact. Her lips immediately gravitated back to my chest. I couldn't help but let out a soft whine as her lips made their way closer to my stomach.

"I can tell this is what you meant by getting to know each other" she spat before placing a kiss on my lips as she slipped off my pajama bottoms.

"Mind reader much?" I said in response

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The morning after everything that happened that night was unbearable. My eyes slowly blinked open to see Nika laying on my chest. Calm breaths left her mouth followed by a couple snores. I gently slipped out from under her and got dressed. As I walked into the bathroom I realized that I was definitely not in my room. We were both still in Paige and Azzi's room. Fuck fuck fuck.

Before even thinking, I rushed out of the room leaving Nika and ran to my room. The first thing I saw was Paige, Azzi, KK, and Ice laying on me and Nika's beds. Limbs sprawled out and everything. I chose to ignore the girls and ran to he bathroom to brush my teeth and clean myself up before Nika woke up. Once my hair was brushed out I slicked it back into a ponytail and got changed into a light orange sweater and grey Nike shorts. My feet were thankfully covered with a pair of socks. After I got changed and fixed myself up, I rushed back to Paige and Azzi's room to find a still asleep Nika laying on Paige's bed. She was now cuddled up onto the pillow I previously was sleeping on. Her hair was clearly tangled and her mascara was smudged.

I decided to do the most cringey and kidney of weird thing ever but who cares. I grabbed makeup remover and a brush from my bag and started by taking off her mascara. This woke Nika up quickly but she didn't do anything about it but groan. Once her mascara was off, I completely woke her up and helped her sit up so that I could brush her hair. Gently teasing through the tangles, I brushed through her hair. Her eyes were still mainly closed but she still tried her best to loop up at me as I gave her a mini makeover. Not that she needed it.

Once we were both fixed up a word still wasn't exchanged. Just giggling every few minutes. The both of us chose to ignore whatever happened last night even though we were both VERY aware that what happened well. Happened.

The rest of the day went by smoothly. Not many people asked what we were doing in Paige and Azzi's room surprisingly. a few glances were shared throughout the day whether it was when we went out to go shopping or when we went to shoot free throws for fun.

The same thing happened almost every night for the next week. Nika would be in whatever mood she was in so she'd crawl into my arms and lay there until we got each other's clothes off. We stayed like that for what felt like forever until July hit. Things began to get more innocent if you could use that word. The girls began to notice how close we were and how it took us a while to get up out of bed every couple of days. We decided to clear up everything and you know. Date.

Of course not everyone agreed with this. When we made things official, two specific men had very strong opinions about this. Of course when things were officiated my mind was completely blank when it came to the fact that I still had a boyfriend. A shitty one but still.

Now I'm not saying that cheating was the right thing but I mean…it's Nika Muhl who could say no.

#nika muhl #lesbian #basketball #uconhuskies #uconn wbb #girlblogger #paige bueckers #Azzi fudd #say no #wlw #Nika Muhl x reader

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reality-detective · 8 months

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Anesthetic Nurse From Broward County Florida Told to Prepare For a "COVID Crisis" That's Going to Start Next Week...

Every one of them should have said like hell there will be another crisis and walked out. If people want the madness to stop, they have to stop participating in the games the insane asylum is playing. 🤔

#pay attention #educate yourselves #educate yourself #knowledge is power #reeducate yourself #reeducate yourselves #think for yourselves #think about it #think for yourself #do your homework #do some research #do your own research #ask yourself questions #question everything #stop it #say no #just say no #insanity

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ghostlyjadee · 6 months

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Saiki really says his friends are a pain and bc of them gets into the "disasters" of his life. But really- bro just needs to learn to say 'no' instead of getting himself involved in those problems ..although he probably likes the problems considering he keeps getting involved. He's a master tsundere. I love him lmao-

But frfr LEARN TO SAY NO

Idk why I put this pic- I just love it...it's Saiki's reaction to setting boundaries lmao

#the disastrous life of saiki k.#saiki k #funny #SAY NO #SAIKI LEARN #Saiki learn to say no #hes silly #Tsundere vibes #anime and manga

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lousydrawingsforgoodpeople · 1 year

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#no is a complete sentence #say no #boundaries #always an option #redraw #doodles #bad art #lousy drawings #doodle #positivity #self love #healing #recovery

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resiliencewithin · 2 years

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#mental health #recovery #mental illness #self care #self love #set boundaries #don’t explain them #out of the mouth of my therapist #shocked me that it works #and keeps working #say no #leave early #partners are different #my husband and I are a team who work through descisions together #everyone else though…

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imposterogers · 1 year

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*chanting at my reflection* do not let the mcu drag you back into their mediocrity with pretty women, do not let the mcu drag you back into their mediocrity with pretty women do not-

#I’ve been ignoring marvel for months #but I’m like actually wait what if ……….#say NO to the mouse #say NO #the marvels

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dk-thrive · 2 months

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To progress in life you must give up the things you do not like. Give up doing the things that you do not like to do. You must find the things that you do like. The things that are acceptable to your mind.

— Agnes Martin, from "Beauty is the Mystery of Life" (1989) (Artbook.com, June 6, 2016) (via Wait-What)

#Agnes Martin #say no #stop #mental health

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heartstringsandbrokenthings · 2 years

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I guess I have to move on, right?

— S

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emmmsie · 7 months

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I wanted to share this. This is my boyfriend, best friend, the love of my life, my world Justice. He’s struggled so much in his childhood and his adult life. He’s been kicked out of his home before, neglected, abused, ignored, treated like garbage and much more… his own parents have called the police on him… put him in jail before… Justice has fought substance abuse, and probably been on every drug known to man….. the picture of him on the left was him before.. 2020.. he was so depressed and the drugs were causing him to lose so much weight, motivation, and spirit in his eyes. He was almost down to 89 lbs……

The picture on the right is Justice now. :) he’s fought so hard, he’s gotten off drugs, he’s fought and fought to say no to addiction now. He’s had withdrawals, and gotten physically sick for days on end . Today he is 205 lbs, muscle, smiling more, laughing everyday, and he is definitely treated like a king!

Sometimes- it’s not about having someone who’s “already self made” sometimes you fall in love with those who need just a little help, a little more love, and more reassurance! Don’t give up on those who may struggle….. Justice went through it and now he’s doing amazing. I’m so proud of him!!!!! I wanted to share his before and after with tumblr!

Justice is currently getting a letter of recommendation written for him to go down south and is waiting to be accepted into the Phoenix House in Tampa! He is someone who has struggled with drug abuse since 2013… this will be his year to finally turn his life around and get his head back on right! He is ready for his journey to get his life together and having a second chance in life! I am so proud of him!!

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voodooya · 11 months

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🖤.Things that are not “rude”.

Posted by Where My Demons Hide via Facebook.

#beauty in darkness #dark beauty #not rude #be direct #say no #boundaries #stating facts #being respectful #giving your opinon in the correct context #using clear and concise language #Calling out bigotry #homophobia #Calling out bigotry homophobia transphobia racism sexism etc

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tswizzlesfan · 6 months

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sand. sweetheart. i love you. BUT GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER OR I WILL PERSONALLY HELP RAY WHEN HE INEVITABLY ATTEMPTS TO DROWN BOEING IN THAT POOL AND I WILL HAVE NO REGRETS!!

tell. boeing. to. get. lost. now. 🔪

#sand sand sand #*shakes head in disappointed parent*#come on you can do it #say NO #only friends the series #ofts #only friends #sandray #first kanaphan #khaotung thanawat #firstkhao #sandrayboeing #only friends ray #only friends sand #only friends boeing

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cambrinkisbae · 1 month

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.·:·.✧ Say No pt 2✧.·:·.

NIka Muhl x Fem!Reader

"and I would say all of this but I don't want to ruin the moment"

word count - 2.2k

themes:

-smut!

-slight fluff

A/N - I love this part sm omg. no other notes just read it and enjoy.....

It only took a couple days for people to start seeing the glances that me and Nika shot at each other throughout the days. Of course KK noticed first. Something tells me that shes like a child who makes fun of you for having a romantic life. If you can even call it that.

The more I got to know Nika, the more I wanted to date her. The way her dark eyes become more visible in the sun and the way her skin absolutely glows at the beach. All the time actually. I couldn't help but look up to my ceiling on nights that we weren't together and just pray that she felt the same way, even though we were trying to not date. Just keep it casual.

Some nights got so tiring not being in her arms that I would call Paige and beg her to send Nika over to my room. The entire summer was like this before she asked me out. Yes SHE asked ME out. Everything started to fall into place once July hit.

"Hey how are you doing?"

It had been silent for a little while. Nika decided to sit in my bed for a little while. It was a couple days after her ex broke up with her and we- yeah anyways. The silent almost became deadly to sit in so I broke it. Nika's head popped up from her phone and faced my direction. Her eyes were still a bit red with dilated pupils resting in the middle. She gently set her phone down in her lap, giving me undivided attention.

"Huh?"

Her voice reached a higher pitch at the end of short response.

"You know. How are you?" I gestured my eyes down to Nika's phone that was sitting peacefully on her stomach. To be honest I really couldn't care less about how she felt about the breakup, I just wanted to know how her emotions were doing to know if I could pour my heart out now.

Spoiler alert, I couldn't.

"Oh. Shitty I guess. He tried apologizing"

Her hands moved up to her own strand of hair that was hanging in front of her eye and pushed it back behind her ear, still maintaining eye contact.

My jaw almost dropped agape but I kept my composure. I couldn't believe that this guy would even breakup with the Nika Muhl but trying to get her back after? Fucking insane. Inside my head I was praying that she didn't take him back because if he did I would just have to bang my head on the nightstand next to me.

"What a loser. What did you do?"

"I.." Nika's eyes drifted over to the curtain behind me, breaking our eye contact for the first time tonight. "I blocked him"

I couldn't help but let a small smile grow on my lips at the sound of those words leaving her mouth. I nudged her shoulder gently, causing a smile to pop up on her usually serious face.

"Uh hello good job! I swear every other girl would take him back and then get hurt again"

Nika didn't deserve to be hurt ever. Most people see her as this aggressive Aries that has the same mentality off court. They see her as a bitch who wont let you touch her but shes a hugger. She loves hugs and she adores being hugged. Nika loves hibiscus flowers and cherry flavored gum on occasions but usually spearmint. She doesn't like being ignored because that's the one thing she used to do to people. And she remembers the moment of people telling her that she hurt them and feeling her heart shatter. Shes a softie when people care for her. Like a bee. Don't swat at them, and they wont sting.

"Thanks. I still miss him though"

Fuck.

"That's ok. Its normal I mean its only been a couple days since you guys broke up. Heartbreak lingers for a while. I promise someone better will come along"

Nice.

Nika sighed softly and let out a short groan before looking back down at her phone.

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july 7th 2023

Thursday. The day not even a machine could wipe from my memory. I woke up to Qadence sitting next to me holding a bucket beside her. I must've gotten drunk the night before

"Wednesdays go crazy" she said laughing as my eyes slowly blinked open

Last night had to be the blurriest time to imagine.

july 6th 2023

"No no let me stand on the table pleaseee" I whined into Caroline's ear while her hands were wrapped around my waist trying to get me to sit down. failing.

"Hey Nika why don't you give her a try?" KK yelled out while watching the chaos I was causing.

Nika gave an annoyed stare at KK before walking up to a drunk me that wouldn't let go of the edge of the table. Nika approached me with a calm look on her face and steady hands. Her fingers slowly wrapped around my waist and gently tugged me off of the table.

"Cmere time to go"

Even though Nika was just as drunk as I was, she seemed so collected. I mean collected enough to pull me into her arms without making out with me in front of everyone. A chill ran down my back as Nika carefully carried me to the exit. Not actually carried but you know what I mean.

Nika gently lifted my arms to help me get in Caroline's car before we drove off back to the hotel. Me and Nika used each other as support to get back to our room. The both of us plopped onto each other's beds and almost knocked out. But before either of us could fall asleep I looked over to see Nika crawling onto my bed. I felt her hand slither against my thigh once her body was fully next to me.

My eyes were immediately drawn to hers, which was focusing on my still lips.

"Can I?"

Nikas hands teased around the edge of my shorts, slightly unbuttoning the, with one hand. The moment I nodded yes both of her hands were at my waist, ripping my bottoms off. I held my breath until her fingers curled under the lace of my panties. She slowly slid them down my legs and then lifted me onto her lap. Her head was pressed against the bed board.

My clit dragged against the zipper of her leather skirt that I was needing to take off now. Without hesitating I pressed my lips against hers not even waiting to become sloppy. Nika's lipped wrapped around my tongue perfectly causing my legs to gently squeeze against the thighs that I was straddling. Her hands slowly made their way closer to my bare pussy, teasing with my folds.

"Fuck!" I whined out while trying to stay silent.

Nika easily swallowed every noise I made. while her traced around my hole teasing me into pleading for her to fuck me.

"Please.." I whined into Nika's mouth

"Please what? Use your words pretty"

"I need you to fuck me" I quickly gave in.

Nika quickly sent two of her fingers in me slowly pumping in and out. Her lips still sucking on mine gently. A louder moan left my mouth followed by me quickly grinding against her fingers.

"S-Shit"

Nika took my movements as a sign to quicken her pace. She curled her fingers up hitting all the right spots. Her patience was obviously not strong that night. I quickly came on her fingers, making her smirk at herself. Everything felt so right.

My walls that were clenched around her fingers slowly relaxed as she fucked me through my orgasm.

"Fuck don't stop"

I continued to grind my hips against her hand as she slowed down. of course she only wanted to make me come once before I got my turn.

"Up." I wrapped my hands around her thighs and gently lifted them up.

Nika was silent until I slipped my tongue onto her own clit that was helpfully bare. I flicked my tongue against her pussy just to tease her like she teased me. I began to gently pressed my tongue flat against her folds before diving into her.

With ease, my tongue collected everything that left her. before I even noticed that Nika's hands were tangled in my hair, her thighs wrapped aoround my ears. Sadly muffling her perfectly voiced whines.

I continued to lick and slurp at her folds before finally pulling away and licking my lips. Without doing anything else I crawling back up to her lips that now had lipstick smudged around. I noticed that a couple streaks of mascara had left her eyes but I chose to ignore that cause girl me too.

I remembered to let my tongue slip through my mouth and into hers before the taste of her left my tongue so that she could get a taste too.

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july 7th 2023

After throwing up around four more times I got dressed into a tank top and some jeans. Today the entire team was headed to the aquarium for some reason. I decided to put my hair up in a clip instead of letting it down.

The only makeup I put on was some mascara and lipgloss before actually leaving my room and heading to the main lobby where I saw a couple of the girls sitting down.

Once everyone was ready, we decided to go in different cars and meet up at the aquarium. I was with Ice, KK, and Paige for today. The car ride was going smoothly until Paige decided to turn around and ask me probably the most out of pocket question to exist.

"Why did I hear squeaking last night? From your room actually" She was clearly laughing and trying to get under my skin. My face went blank as I stared into her with only annoyance in my eyes.

"Literally shut up." I snapped back and smiled sarcastically.

The aquarium was huge, way bigger than any that I've been to. The first thing I saw when I walked in was a school of blue ring angelfish surrounding the entrance. To my left was a restaurant and to my right was a souvenir shop. and right in front of me was Nika, Qadence, and Azzi sitting down in a couple chairs. Me and Nika locked eyes almost immediately but I looked away without hesitation.

I sat down across from her and pulled out my phone while waiting for everyone to arrive. I don't know if it was very obvious (it was) but I went straight to Nika's Instagram so that I could look at her without looking at her.

My fingers scrolled across her page until I felt a tap on my shoulder. I quickly shoved my phone into my pockets while turning it off. I turned around to see Ines and KK standing behind me laughing.

I gave both of them a menacing stare, threatening them with my eyes. they ran off to grab drinks from the restaurant.

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The aquarium was fun and so fucking pretty. My favorite was the seahorses and otters. My phone was now full of pictures. One thing that threw me off was the crabs, oh and the fact that the entire team couldn't stop giggling when I even glanced in Nika's direction.

Every time I looked at her I saw a nervous look wash over her. It was honestly funny the way she couldn't look at me for shit.

After around 30 minutes of looking around the aquarium I sat down at the restaurant tables and looked at the menu. The entire building was painted in teal and blue shades no matter was direction you looked in.

Just as I was going to read my order to who I thought was a waiter, Nika stood above me with a worried frown plastered on her face. I gave a small smile at her before she sat down at the table I was out. she sat right in front of me and stared into my eyes before speaking.

"Alright. Shit I'm doing this. Ok, listen I know that I just got broken up with and shit but I really need to ask you something serious. I need all your attention on me please"

Nika's words were laced with worry but I turned over the menu I was previously looking at and stared right back at her. Was this really happening?

"Jesus this isn't happening. Is it really that unnoticeable. I like you. No I don't like you I love you."

I could notice that she was starting to panic. I look around to see Azzi and Paige behind us with a phone recording everything that was happening. That's how I picked up that this was real.

"Yes Nika yes"

I said with urgency, not letting Nika finish her sentence. Boom. We started dating. I could feel my face heating up every second that passed. Nika's face stopped with the worry look and she began to smile. The corners of her mouth slightly dipped down showing her more shy smile.

"Thank Fucking God."

#nika muhl #lesbian #basketball #uconn wbb #uconhuskies #girlblogger #say no #paige bueckers

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landograndprix · 6 months

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y'all be like women rights!! Women in motorsports!! Now!! And then let this slide like okay girl, make up your mind.

#idc if he looked uncomfortable #do research what podcast you going on what its know for etc etc #say no #speak up #don't stand for that bs

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supervivens · 9 months

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The First Step is Always the Hardest

It's hard to imagine just one day out of your entire existence where you aren't plagued by memories of the past. Not a single day passes where I don't play back memories of my past, happy and sad, but still devastating nonetheless. I wake up every morning in my own bedroom. You would think that this would be a safe space void of memories. But every single atom in that room has a memory attached to it; the bed I was assaulted in more times than I can remember and I didn't even realise, the makeup stand that housed his products and aftershaves, the clothes rack that held his t-shirts and hoodies that I begged for, the photo frames that I ripped down after we split up, and wanted to burn once I realised he had assaulted me. Every part of my bedroom contains memories of him that will never go away. Somedays, I wish that those memories would just disappear, it would make the healing process much easier in theory, wouldn't it? However, I know if I had no memories of the years of pain he subjected then I would have no answers for the life long trauma he has left me with.

We were in a relationship for almost 2 years, he was my first everything: my first serious boyfriend, my first kiss, my first time. I was a virgin when we met, I'd never kissed a boy before, never even held a boys hand before. So when we met I was so excited because he genuinely seemed interested in me. At first it was amazing, we talked all day everyday, he complimented me everyday, told me how proud he was of me for all my successes and failures, he cycled an hour just so we could meet in-person for the first time. But I still missed the early signs. Even early on in our relationship, before we were even officially together, he would bring up sex constantly, to the point it was a daily conversation. Don't get me wrong, I understand sex is normal and comes hand in hand with most relationships, but I was a virgin and I was terrified of the idea of sex. When we were organising to meet for the first time, he kept bringing up running off somewhere into the woods near where I lived; it was a very dense area of forest and only dog walkers really went in as there was nothing but trees. Every day he would bring up running into the woods and having sex, whether that was against a tree or lay on the ground or sat in his lap. And every day I would have to explain that I didn't want to do that yet as I wasn't ready; this was embarrassing enough that I had to tell my soon to be boyfriend that I didn't want to have sex with him, and even more embarrassing when he would disappear for hours at a time because he was upset with me over it. But this wasn't the end.

Sex became a daily conversation, paragraphs sent to me telling me what he would do when we had sex (on the rare occasions when we did have consensual sex he never lived up to those fantasies), asking for nudes repeatedly even when I told him I was busy or wasn't feeling great. Then about a month into our official relationship, we had planned a hike up into the hills near his home, it was late winter so not many people were out at this point of the year as it was so cold but it was still lockdown so we made do with what we had. About 2 hours before we were due to meet up, he told me he had bought condoms; at first I didn't make the connection and just acted confused and didn't think anything of it. Then he expanded that he had bought a picnic blanket so that we can find somewhere secluded and have sex. I was so scared. I wasn't ready. I didn't want to. But he was my boyfriend and he really liked me and wouldn't hurt me right? He just wants to show me he loves me right? He wants this. So I went on the walk. And I have never been so thankful to the pair of dog walkers who stumbled upon our secluded spot, thus ruining the secret rendezvous he had planned. The whole way home I was relieved in a way I didn't understand. I wish I had thought more about it at the time and walked away whilst I had the chance.

This continued for 2 more months, begging me for sex, saying he was in pain with 'blue balls'; from my understanding now blue balls are real but normally only happen when a man has 'held out' for a long period of time without any relief - whether that is his partner or his own hand. I didn't know this at the time; I thought he was genuinely in such pain and only having sex with me could fix it. It was a few weeks after my birthday that I lost my virginity to him. In the days prior to this, he had told me he was in pain, he was getting bored, telling me about his sex life with his ex-girlfriend, and constant conversations about it. So one day, when my house was empty, I finally agreed to have sex with him. I want to help him right? I'm his girlfriend its what I'm supposed to do right? He wants you, why are you holding out on him? I was so scared I was shaking. I had read online about losing your virginity that morning, and I was prepared for a little pain. I wasn't prepared for the agony that ensued. It felt like I was burning from the inside out, I wanted to cry and scream at the same time, I wanted him to stop and I was pressing against his chest to get him to stop moving and pushing but he kept going saying how much he was enjoying it. I don't know how long I lay there waiting for the pain to stop like the online posts said it would. It never stopped, just eased a little to become bearable. He asked me why I wasn't making any noise or enjoying it like he was. So I started to play the part, acting how he wanted me to so I could please him. The pain started to become unbearable again, so I faked an orgasm so that he would stop. That didn't work, he just kept going, so I lied and said my phone had vibrated and my family must be on their way home. He rapidly got off me, said he wanted a shower and disappeared. I lay there for a while catching my breath wondering what had happened and how I had just lost my virginity. I thought this was normal; the pain, the need to fake an orgasm in the vain hope he would stop, lying about my family coming home so he would get off me. All I could think was, no that's not how it went! Stop thinking like that! He loves you and you helped his pain and, remember, he loves you. He was enjoying it so much that's why he didn't stop. He loves you, he loves you, he loves you. At the time, all I could think was, 'is this really what love is?'. I didn't know any different.

I didn't know what coercive rape meant until 9 months ago. And now I know what it means, I know I am not a victim. I hate the word victim - I am a survivor, not a victim. The word victim doesn't fit with me because it conflicts with my thoughts. I consented didn't I? Yes he begged and begged and wouldn't stop talking about it? NO. Consent is not valid if you have to be begged to agree. Consent is valid when you WANT to continue from the second the conversation starts and can be withdrawn at any moment. It isn't an 'I don't know' or 'I'm not sure', it's not a 'you'll change your mind when you see how good it is'. No means no. My no meant no. Your no meant no. But I let mine become a false yes because of his desperation to have sex, and I regret that to this day because it has left me with so many mental and physical scars that I'm scared to let anyone see. But it was not my fault. It was not your fault. It is not anyones fault but his.

So I am sharing my story with you, in the hopes that not only will I start to heal, but to also show you that you are not alone. This is only a small part of my story, an introduction you might say. But I am determined to share my story to those who will listen; the more I stay quiet, the more we stay quiet, the more power they gain. I will not let them have anymore power over me. Over us.

I am taking back control of my life.

This is my first step.

And I hope to bring you along for the journey.

#say no #surviving abuse #surviving trauma #rapeawareness

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