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goldeneyedgirl · 8 months

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I know you have so many projects to work on, but I was just reading that fic you posted here where alice is kind of a witch (??) and jasper kind of kills her in the end (i forgot the title I'm sorry 😭) and I was thinking about how I think that one version of alice fits so much my idea of highschooler human alice and even the way her relationship with jasper starts. And all of that just to say: how do you picture a completely average human high school version of the cullens? Honestly, even as humans, I don't think that weirdos could ever be average.

Hi Anon!

The Dark and the Unknown! I'm actively working on it as we speak (it's being very difficult).

I absolutely love coming up with ordinary versions of the Cullens so I am obsessed with this question. I think any version of the Cullen family as they are in canon is going to be Weird, but being human makes it a little less obvious.

I will say that for me, one of the defining human-Cullen interpretations has to be Midnight Run by Inthemadhouse (tragically unfinished but one of the best Jalice fics online), so that has probably coloured some of my personal headcanons.

Strap yourself in, it's going to be long.

I'm working from the idea the family are Exactly As Presented in canon: Carlisle and Esme adopted a bunch of teenagers who then promptly hooked up with each other, with Edward being the first adoption, then Emmett, then Alice, and then the acquisition of Esme's twin niece and nephew. Obviously the ages of when they were acquired by Carlisle and Esme have to be fudged a little to make this work.

family stuff.

There is 0 chance that Esme and Carlisle (who I'm estimating are in their 30s because it's highly unlikely they would be approved for that combination of kids in their early 20s) would be paying out of pocket for five Ivy League educations plus dorm and books (approx 300k per student for undergrad). Without hundreds of years to build their wealth, Carlisle and Esme Normal Wealthy, not Batman Villain Wealthy.

I think Esme and Carlisle would want to teach a good work ethic, and set the kids up for success as adults. College would be an unspoken expectation because of white privilege and their wealth, but Esme and Carlisle would also accept a post high school plan that was realistic and researched. I also think Carlisle and Esme would be big on community service and volunteering, and not letting the kids just lie around during the summer.

Esme would have a small office/studio to run her architecture/interiors business out of, and she juggles work with running the household, and tries to give the kids more responsibility now that they're getting older. Carlisle would work long hours, but emphasise the importance of family time when he's off work - one of the reasons they go camping so often.

edward.

Edward is very literary and a bit pretentious. He reads the classics and has strong opinions and thinks that a lot of trends and pop culture is beneath him. He's the one wearing sweater vests and button downs to school - with a leather satchel - and his notebooks are all moleskines.

He thinks he's very artistic and spends a lot of time writing poetry and music for the piano, and pining for someone to understand him. He is insanely self-conscious about his appearance - especially his skin - and kind of awkward around his peers. He's not nearly as religiously coded as a human, but is determined to prove to Carlisle that he was worth the hassle of the adoption.

His best subjects are English Lit, Music, and European History. His co-curricular is probably the school play, where he plays piano. He's a nightmare to drag out of bed in the morning, and he tends to be very bossy with his family because he's been with the Cullens the longest. He's closest to Alice, but I see him actually getting along with Ben, Eric, and Angela at school. I think he'd kind of want to be friends with Jacob but try to be cool about it and come off as a snob. Edward cannot stand Rose or Jasper.

Edward would have been attracted to Bella's standoffish attitude when she arrived; the long-suffering thing is something he understands (he lives with four 'siblings' and only two bathrooms). They bond over classic novels and feeling out of place with their peers and whilst they get a little dramatic, they're very happy with each other.

bella.

We know teenage Bella but if she and Edward were humans together? Oof. Bella is starry-eyed over Edward from Day One, but knows how to hide it - she realizes that would put Edward off pretty fast.

I think Jacob and Bella would be quite close from her arrival in Forks, but Bella would be kind of on the fringes of her social set for all of high school. I also like to think that Jacob has his own friends and girlfriend, and doesn't spend his high school years pining after Bella.

I cannot see Bella and Alice being close friends in an all-human universe because Alice isn't starved for friends in this world, and Bella's got less of a reason to get her on side when immortality isn't the prize. I think they get along and hang out but they just don't have enough in common. I think Bella would irritate the shit out of Rose, getting caught asking too many questions about the family around school.

Bella would absolutely get pregnant before graduation. Edward has less religious hangups plus a contemporary upbringing... yeah, Ness was an accident. But Edward would definitely want to marry Bella before they went to college - I can definitely see Edward turning down Ivy League to stay with Bella at a public university.

emmett.

Emmett is sport like Ken is beach. I feel like Emmett plays two sports every season, probably coaches a kiddie league on the weekends, has a summer boy scout troupe, and works delivering pizzas after school. He loves the outdoors, loves activity. His grades are not great, honestly, but he does his best and he passes. He's definitely the student whispering if anyone did the homework and could he just... have a quick look two minutes before class starts. Emmett's one of those people who just has a lot of friends, though he would claim his best friend is either Edward or Jasper.

He's extremely popular because he's so friendly, and he's the kind of kid that adults go "Emmett Cullen doesn't sleep til noon on a Saturday. He's already coached two first grade basketball games and washed his mom's care by 10am." (Esme would look at them, unamused, and explain that she literally keeps two water jugs in the upstairs bathroom: one to wake up Edward and one to wake up Emmett.)

Emmett is also almost always the source of alcohol at high school parties, and makes the best fake I.Ds in the county. Charlie Swan knows it's Emmett, he just has no tangible proof. Yet.

Emmett has very little trauma due to being adopted, and definitely sees being a Cullen as winning the life lottery. He's the heart and soul of the family, and tends to use that to get out of any serious trouble.

I think that Rose and Jasper probably joined the family around age 12ish, and Emmett was probably smitten with Rose from first sight, and made a bit of a fool of himself and annoyed Rose for a few weeks before he relaxed and was just himself. He was naturally accepting of her boundaries, respectful, and the appropriate amount of protective over her when needed. I actually think Rose and Emmett got together after Alice and Jasper, probably around Freshman year. I know it's common that they are the pair that have the on-again, off-again dramatics, but I don't see it - perfect match. Emmett takes jokes about him dumping Rose for a cheerleader with 0 humor and shoots down any female - or male - that tries to flirt with him.

His best subjects are Gym and Chemistry. He's really easy-going and I can see him opting for a state university close to Rose because she has such strong preferences for her education. He gets along really well with the guys on the Res, hangs out there a lot, and is definitely a big brother figure for Seth after Harry's heart attack. He'd probably want to study something like video game design on a football scholarship in college.

rose.

Rose would not be a popular cheerleader. I need that out there. She has no interest in the social aspect, no interest in the culture of cheerleading, and has tunnel vision about her college plans.

I see Rose having a very type-A high school experience - all her classes are AP or college credit, she volunteers at the hospital in the summer (pediatrics), she runs a study group for STEM subjects because Forks High won't let her start a full-on robotics club, she's a member of the cross country team, and she works after school at Esme's office until she gets a job at a garage. She is utterly humorless about her grades, and she's going to be valedictorian, get into an Ivy League (ideally MIT, but she's flexible) on at least one decent scholarship.

And she makes it all look completely effortless. Meanwhile, she's still got a lot of baggage and trauma from before she joined the Cullen family, she's got a lot of anger, and she's just determined to rise about it without really dealing with it in a healthy way; Esme and Carlisle are terrified she's going to put all this work in, only to burn out before she makes it to college.

She intimidates the shit out of her classmates, and I feel like her closest friends at school would be, like, two other intense overachieving girls. She catches Bella trying to get gossip about the family from other students, and hates her from that moment on because Rose hates feeling like she's not normal. She knows their family is weird, but she wants the world to pretend it isn't.

I think Rose would actually become good friends with Leah Clearwater when she meets them via Emmett, and that she's insanely popular over at the Res with the boys because of her interest and knowledge in cars; between Rose, Jacob, and Sam, there is no car that they cannot get running again. I also think that Rose would stay in touch with Vera throughout their lives.

Rose and Edward hate each other with the fire of a thousand suns; Edward resents that Rose isn't grateful to Esme and Carlisle for taking her in because she should be honored (projecting just a little); Rosalie thinks that Edward is spoiled and has the self-awareness of a shoe-box and resents how treasured he is by the Cullens, but family therapy was just kind of a lot of yelling, so there's a mutual Cold War in the household.

Rose is also the most competent cook out of all the kids, but resents the fuck out of everyone when she's the one that the responsibility of cooking falls to on night's when the kids are cooking. The others learned fast that they had to participate or face her wrath.

Jasper and Rose are close in the way that siblings who have gone through something terrible together are, but their trauma is so different that it's hard for them to always related to the other. Emmett is Rosalie's foundation, her tether, and the person she hears no matter what. To the outsider, she seems like an ice-cold, controlling girlfriend but even when she's researching her college options, she's taking into account Emmett's wants and needs with those decisions. Rose feels so deeply that it makes her vulnerable so she hides it.

jasper.

I feel like before Forks, Jasper would have become very acquainted with drugs to cope with his past, and Carlisle and Esme had to intervene majorly - and that might have been one of the reasons that they decided to relocate the family to Forks. So like, now weed is his one vice to stay calm and get through the day, and he's pretty transparent with Esme, Emmett, and Alice about his smoking because of his previous addiction.

Jasper would be very quiet, and kind of just loom behind Alice at all times - I think 90% of the time, he'd have earbuds in. But he'd have a nasty temper and would definitely get into more than one fight, especially if someone said anything negative about Rose or Alice. And Jasper doesn't pick fights he won't win. He's kind of seen as the problem child of the family by the local gossips, even though Charlie Swan thinks that Jasper's a hell of a lot less trouble than Emmett. Charlie is, of course, totally incorrect as Jasper is the co-conspirer behind the fake I.D.s Emmett supplies, and has supplied a few parties with weed when he's feeling generous.

He absolutely got blackout drunk at a few parties before he quit drinking. He's kind of a sad and angry drunk, so it was for the best.

Jasper pretty much attached himself to Alice from his first day in the Cullen house, and they were definitely the first two to get together - Jasper has simped for Alice since he was 12, and has no plans to stop at any point. She's his favourite person, his best friend, and he's happy when she's happy, so he'll go to Homecoming, to the Winter Ball, to Spring Fling, Prom, anything to make her smile. He'll attend the school play every night because Alice designed the costumes.

At school, Jasper is the perpetual 'so smart, knows the material, puts 0 effort in'; he loves arguing with his teachers, and can turn a class into a three ring circus with minimal effort, but likes to save that for a couple of times a semester. He's the kind of asshole who shows up to finals, gets a perfect score, but hasn't handed in a single piece of homework. He's not really big on making friends, but he kind of does peripherally through Emmett and Alice. He'd argue his best friend is Peter, and they stay in touch for life. But he and Emmett get along great and are as close as bio brothers (even if Emmett cheerfully threatened to beat the shit out of him the first time he got caught with his hand up Alice's shirt.) Jasper definitely goes surfing at La Push and considers it meditative.

He and Edward have a frustrating relationship because of how much attention Jasper's struggles got him from Carlisle and Esme; Edward was jealous of how easily Carlisle told Jasper he was proud of him, and how Jasper was standoffish to Carlisle when he'd just been given the thing Edward craves more than anything. Carlisle also has an interest in history, and he and Jasper have long discussions about that together. Jasper finds Edward immature and spoiled but tries to keep the peace for Alice's sake.

He's most interested in American History and Technology. His co-curricular would be AV Club, but he really only shows up when they're pitching in for the school play. I definitely see Esme and Carlisle insisting he gets a job during the summer, and it would be something like helping run movies in the park during the summer, or working at the Forks Historical Society on Saturdays. He has no real plans for college, but I can see Jasper being one of those assholes who just gets a full ride to a really good school for reasons that are a mystery to everyone else.

alice.

Alice would be the most noticeable weirdo; I can see Alice being an Art Kid, and joining the school play just to design and make costumes, plus she wears a lot of homemade and customized clothing to school, as well as detailed make-up. But she's definitely up for joining clubs and socialising; I can't see her being a cheerleader because of the time commitment, but maybe doing ballet or gymnastics. Maybe a language club? And a photography club?

She's one of those people that just considers everyone a friend; I wouldn't be surprised if Esme and Carlisle had meetings to be like "no, Alice isn't ADHD. She's been tested, she's just high energy." I think she gets along really well with Jessica, kind of overwhelms Angela, and has a kind of Cold War of politeness going with Lauren. She's really welcoming to Bella and enthusiastic about her and Edward, but they don't have a ton in common so it's the odd movie night/sleepover when Bella's over at the Cullens.

Alice would be the peace-keeper between Edward and Rose and Jasper because she can translate Edward's dramatics into something tolerable for the others. She and Rose aren't super close, but they get along okay, and go shopping together often. Alice and Emmett probably have the most traditionally typical brother-sister relationship.

Alice seems a lot more innocent than she is, and that's partially her lack of memories from her childhood. She's very, very protective of Jasper in a subtle way; if he's drinking or getting high, she's staying by his side stone-cold sober, and she's definitely started at least one fight when someone said something about Jasper's scars. I think she'd have a lot of guilt over not being able to help Jasper with his addictions more than she did, even though she was a kid.

She's also the financial manager of Jasper and Emmett's little I.D. enterprise, and is definitely the sneakiest in the family - I think Alice would have a klepto streak as a human, and definitely be the one that knew her way around a lock-pick.

Her best classes would be Art, Economics, and maybe Forensics? She'd have no interest in English Lit or Sciences, but she'd get okay marks across the board - she's highly motivated if Carlisle is offering to pay them for As. She'd be looking at Parsons, Pratt, or RISD for college; maybe NYU. She'd have numerous jobs because Forks doesn't really have the kind of stores she'd aspire to work in, but I figure she negotiates selling accessories online with Carlisle and Esme instead of a traditional job. She'd volunteer to work on all the elementary school, middle school, and church plays.

I thin that's everything? I hope that's what you were looking for anon, but I had such a good time thinking about all this!

#anon #human cullens #meta #alice being the one that will jimmy open carlisle's liquor cabinet for emmett... for a price #rosalie going dead silent in the kitchen and everyone realises she's be left to cook dinner alone and they all sprint into the kitchen #babbling excuses #edward listening to evanescence on repeat for weeks when bella goes to florida for the summer

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