The library is so quiet over the holidays; I love it!

For the winter studying challenge:

1st January - Happy New Year! What did you learn in the past year?

Expect the unexpected (though often in a good way)!

If you'd told me a year or so ago that this is where I'd be today - with a first class degree and going for a masters at a top uni - I'd probably have laughed at you, and yet here we are.

2nd January - Have you made any New Years’ Resolutions?

I'm not a massive fan of 'resolutions' per se, just because they make me feel bad when I inevitably break them. I do, however, have goals for the year! I want to finish my MA on a high. I want to be able to keep a journal going for longer than a week. I want to finish the jumper I started a year and a half ago. And I want to get more writing done. Hopefully I can achieve at least some of them, but one thing I have learnt from the masses of therapy that I've had in the past few years is that if you don't get there it's just a chance to try again when you're a bit more prepared for it!

Title: Something Blue {1}

Chris Evans x Reader

Warning: Cursing, Angst, Plot

Words: 3.9k

Summary: Nah!

Note: Please enjoy. As always, thank you for reading.

If you enjoyed this, please, LIKE, COMMENT, REBLOG! ❤️❤️

 ***Loosely Edited/Proofread***

***Interactive***

~~~~~~~~~~~

“What time does your flight land?”

 You glanced at your watch while balancing your phone and your seventh glass of champagne.

 “Seven. We haven’t even taken off yet, Eve. Oh god, I should have just taken the bus. You know what? It’s not too late.” You gulped down the remainder of your champagne then began gathering your things.

 “No, no. sit your ass down. A bus will double your travel time, and you’re already late. You should have been here this morning,” Eve whined over the Facetime call.

She was right. You were only stuck in this predicament because you had to take one more meeting wanting to maximize the time you were in New York instead of stopping when you should have to catch the right bus.

 “I hate flying, Eve,” you whined.

 It had always been this way, and it hadn’t changed. At this point, you doubted it ever would.

 “I get that, but you’re my maid of honor. You have to be here. You’ve already missed the welcome brunch and the bonding games. You have to make dinner.”

 Sighing, you dropped back into the seat. Your fate was sealed. “Okay,” you whispered.

 “It’ll be fine. It’s one hour and sixteen minutes. You’ll be fine.”

 Closing your eyes, you took slow, deep breathes and tried to focus on happy, positive thoughts.

 “At least you’re in first class where you can have all the champagne you want. Take advantage. I have to go.”

 With that, the conversation ended. You still tried to focus on your breathing and not the fact you were in a containment cell that was designed like a plane that would fly thousands of feet into the air. You also tried not to think of the fact that at any moment, this flying containment cell could fall out of the sky, having you plummet to your death. Groaning, you squeezed the armrest.

 “Can I get you anything else, ma’am?”

 Even the chirpy sound of the flight attendant’s voice was irritating. You took a deep breath but didn’t open your eyes.

 “Champagne, a whole lot of champagne, please.”

 “A glass?”

 “Just bring the bottle. I’ll pay. I don’t care.”

 As you waited for her to come back with the champagne, you tried to imagine yourself on a tropical island somewhere. You tried to envision the feel of the sun, the scent of the salty sea, and even the taste of the Mai Tai you would be holding. You were successful, but only barely.

 “Here you are one bottle of champagne. Just for you.”

 You opened your eyes to glare at the flight attendant. You could hear the shade and judgment in her voice, and you were not in the mood. What your eyes met; she was the first to look away. You were not the one. Once she’d place the bottle in front of you, she scurried away. Wasting no time, you brought it to your head. A bottle for one meant you could take it to the head. Lost in the world of the champagne bliss, you savored the liquid as if it were your sustenance. The only way you could get through this flight was to be in a state of detachment.

 “Eh-em.”

Glancing up with the bottle still in your mouth, you nearly dropped it seeing Chris Evans standing before you. He slanted his mouth in an awkward smile as he pointed. His lips moved, but you didn’t hear one word. He was beautiful. Every time you scrolled through Instagram, there were countless pictures and fangirls fawning all over his looks. You made a note that he was appealing to the eyes but wasn’t all that. You stood wholly corrected. His lips stopped moving, and the look on his face went from awkwardness to confusion.

 “Hello?”

 “Huh, sorry, what?”

 He pointed again to the seat you were sitting in, then spoke.

 “I believe that is my seat.”

 “I feel like that is my line that I should be saying to you,” you blurted out without thinking.

 His eyebrow shot up, making you close your eyes in embarrassment. Oh god, you thought. He cleared his throat, making you look back at him. The slanted smile was now an amused smirk.

 “What I mean is um—this seat?”

 He lifted the ticket in his hands to show you. There it was in black and white the seat you were in was, in fact, his. You knew it wasn’t yours, but there was no way you could get through this flight being at the window. You’d surely lose your shit.

 “Okay, look, I’m not going to pretend like I didn’t know. I did. The thing is, I hate flying. I am terrible at it, and if I sit there, I’ll die.”

 “Die?”

 “Yes. It won’t be pretty. I’ll probably cry the entire flight. You don’t look like the kind of guy who can sit by while a woman cries. Do you think you can find it in your heart to--.”

 He held his hand up, stopping what you were going to say next. “It’s okay. I’ll take the window, and you and your champagne can remain where you are.”

 Relief filled you. Pushing the table to its upright position, you slightly stood so he could pass. As he did, you heard him mumble, “You’re lucky you’re as beautiful as you are.”

 It was low, and you decided that you must have been hearing things. There was no way he said that. As he squeezed by, the scent of Kenneth Cole Black caught your nostrils, making you bite your bottom lip. Another thing that caught your eye was the way his ass looked in his dark denim jeans. It looked so damn appetizing that you couldn’t tear your eyes away. He was fine. When you looked up at him, his eyes were on you. You’d be caught.

 Groaning, you looked away and sat back down to take another gulp of champagne. Beside you, he got comfortable while you scrolled through your phone. The same judgy flight attendant came over again.

 “Hi there.” From the sound of her voice, you could tell she was in flirtatious mode. When you looked at her, your suspicions were confirmed. She was twirling the fancily folded scarf around her neck with a broad smile on her face.

 “Hi.”

 “My name is Amber; I'll be your attendant for the flight.”

 She emphasized “your,” making you snort. Glancing to Chris, he gave you another raised brow. Turning back to your phone, you pretended to ignore the conversation, but you were not. You needed entertainment.

 “Can I get you anything? Water? Tea? Coffee? Champagne? Magazines? Candy? Me?”

 Your jaw dropped. She took it all the way there.

 “I mean meat, we have plenty of meat. Not to say you don’t have meat. I’m sure you have plenty of meat.”

 With that, her eyes dropped to his crotch, and that was when your snort escaped you. There was no playing it off, so you didn’t bother; you just kept your head down.

 “Thank you, Amber. I’ll take a beer, please.”

 “Any brand?”

 “It doesn’t matter, you pick.”

 She turned and walked off, giggling to herself. Shaking your head, you took another mouthful of bubbly and fought the urge to tease him about it. You didn’t know this man. The silence stretched for a few minutes until Amber returned with two bottles of beer. He thanked her and went back to the book he was reading.

 “All right, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for choosing this flight tonight. This is the nonstop to Boston, Massachusetts. The flight will be approximately one hour and twenty minutes. It is supposed to be a smooth trip, but we are flying into a little bit of rain in the Boston area, so we might experience a bit of turbulence. You’re in good hands. Enjoy your flight.”

 You looked around the cabin. No one seemed alarmed at the mention of turbulence.

 “Unfuckinbeliable. Everyone is so calm.”

 “Why wouldn’t they be?”

 Looking at him, you realized then you’d spoken loud enough for him to hear.

 “Uh…turbulence. Do you know what that means? It means bumpy and shit.”

 Chris pinched his lips and closed his book. “He also said we’re in good hands.”

 “That is what he has to say. What would you do if your captain said we’d have some turbulence but prayers up because shit will get bad?”

 This time he smirked. “You really don’t like flying, huh.”

 “Are you mocking me?”

 He held his hands up in defense. “Not at all. Have a drink,” he said, pointing to your champagne bottle.

 Not needing to be told twice, you took a hearty gulp.

 “You’ll be fine. If it gets bad, I’ll be right here. I’ll talk to you.”

 He looked kind and gentle. You didn’t doubt he was a stand-up guy. Nodding, you leaned back and took several deep breathes and prayed.

 As the plane pulled out and rolled down the tarmac, you squeezed the armrest so hard your hand hurt. When it accelerated, you took a deep breath and held it. Even when your lungs burned, and the possibility of blacking out became real, you didn’t release it. When you felt a hand on top of yours, you snapped your head to the left and saw his hand on yours. Your eyes met, and you saw he was signaling you to breathe.

 “Breathe.”

 Gasping for air, he kept his hand over yours.

 “It’s okay. Look into my eyes. Everything is fine. Slow in, slow out. do it with me.”

 Following his lead, you did as he did. Your stomach fell, and you knew the plane was pulling up.

 “Keep looking at me. Listen to my voice. You’re fine. Breathe.”

 Doing your best, you followed his instructions. Slowly you got lost in those hypnotizing blue eyes. They were so gorgeous you lost track of everything else. Soon his words faltered, and the two of you just sat there staring at each other. Soon you heard a bell that broke whatever trance the two of you were under.

 “There. You did it. I’m Chris.”

 His smile was soft, and it blew you away. Yep, you’d done it all right, you thought.

 “Y/N,” you whispered.

 The flight continued with you downing the bottle of champagne, flipping channels on the inflight tv, shaking like your life depended on it, and working. Neither of you spoke again though occasionally you felt his eyes on you. A little more than halfway into the flight the lights flickered until they completely shut off, only leaving on the overhead lights. That was when an alarm blared, and the plane began to shake.

 “Oh, fuck!”

 “Ladies and gentlemen, remember that turbulence I warned of. We’re going through it as we’re nearing Boston’s airport. Fasten your seatbelts and hang tight. We’ll be right out of this.”

 “Liar!”

 “Calm down; it’s okay. Just breathe,” Chris suggested.

 “Calm down? Breathe? What the fuck? How do I do that? We’re about to plummet to our deaths.”

 “We will not,” Amber shouted above you.

 “Shut up, Amber!”

 “I have to get out of here. We gotta go!”

 As you made a move to get up, Chris gripped the buckle of your seatbelt. The warmth of his hand was right at your crotch. Looking at him, you found him on his knees before you.

 “Calm down. We’re not plummeting. It’s just some shaking.”

 He grabbed the oxygen mask that had dropped down from overhead and held it to your mouth. “Deep breaths.”

 Pushing it off, you declined. “You breathe. Oh my god, we’re gonna die. I’m gonna die. I can’t believe this. I haven’t even make a name for myself yet. I’m so fucking close.”

 “You still have time,” Chris interjected.

 Ignoring him, you continued. “No, I won’t; we’re going to die. I’m going to die without crossing Fiji off my bucket list or a weekend in Palm Springs. I’m gonna die being the last single friend, the last single one in my family. I’m going to die a single spinster!”

 “Uh--.”

 “I’m gonna die without ever getting a tattoo. I’ve pushed it back so many times. I’m gonna die without ever having dressed up really fancy and having a pretty woman moment. I’m gonna die, and I haven’t had a dance moment like Dirty Dancing, or a scene like in Love and Basketball where some guy plays me for my heart. I’m gonna die without even have fallen in love.”

 “You’ve never been in love?”

 The judgment in his voice had you looking at him. “Don’t judge me!”

 “Sorry.”

 “I’m gonna die without going to the most expensive restaurant ordering all the expensive things then running out on the bill. Or going on a date with someone who’s picked my outfit and showers me with roses all night. Or drinking too much and getting on a bar to dance and sing in front of complete strangers.”

 So many things were running through your head. You’d truly lived a sheltered life, and it wasn’t on purpose.

 “Or know what it feels like to get a little blue box from Tiffany’s that has an amazing ring inside. Or have someone write me the most amazing love letter.”

 The plane roughly jerked, sending you lurching forward and Chris bracing you to push you back. Everyone then screamed loudly. Gasping, you bugged your eyes, panic, and terror filling you. “I’m gonna die never having had sex in a public place, or in a car, or on a beach. I’m gonna die with never having had an entire full day of just hardcore sex. Oh my god, I think I suck at head too. My ex told me that I couldn’t suck a dick to save my life and that I was stuck up for not swallowing. Oh god, I’ve never swallowed. It’s disgusting. I hear guys love that. You don’t do you?”

 His mouth opened, but before he spoke, you continued blurting more out. Oh god, I’m gonna be single forever. My ex was right; I’m unlovable and cold, and that I will never let anyone in because I’m too scared to feel real things that aren’t fairytale. Oh god, I’m gonna die alone. Fuck, I’m gonna die, and I’ve never had an orgasm!”

 As soon as the turbulence started, it stopped. Slowly the cabin went back to normal, but neither of you moved. Chris sat there, speechless. Slowly your senses came back to you and realization of what just happened and all you’d just blurted out.

 “Ladies and gentlemen, let me apologize. That was worse than we’d expected, but just as promised, we’ve made it through unscathed. We’ll begin our descent into Boston Logan International Airport. Please remain seated and fasten your seatbelts. Thank you for flying with us,” the captain’s voice rang out over the plane’s system.

 Unscathed? That must have been a fucking joke, you thought.

 Without one word, Chris got up and took his seat. He then leaned back, resting his head on the headrest. You could have died and for a slight moment wished the plane had gone down if it would have spared you this humiliation.

 Fifteen agonizing minutes later, with the plane parked and disembarking beginning, you leaped up, grabbed your carry one, and hightailed it out of there without a look back. You had one goal and one goal alone, to get as far from Chris Evans as possible.

 After claiming your bags, you found the driver and watched Boston scenery pass you by. Though nearly an hour had passed since you massive faux pas on the plane, you still couldn’t get it out of your head. That had to go down as the most embarrassing moment of your life. As you went over it time and time again, you felt worse and worse. You didn’t know what was worse, unleashing all of that personal information to a complete stranger, or unleashing all that personal information to Chris Evans. He probably thought you were some pathetic ice queen who was a lousy lay.

 “Oh god, I told him I don’t give good head,” you rushed out before you collapsed on the back of the seat, ready for the lord to take you now.

Thirty minutes later, the driver pulled into the lavish property that sprawled on and on. Though it was night, you could still see the rolling hills and open lawns. It was amazing, and you knew that if it was this amazing at night, it must have been breathtaking in the daytime. Once the car pulled around the drive, the staff came out to meet you collect your luggage. You thanked them, and the driver then made your way inside. The lobby was gorgeous and bathed in white marble.

 “Welcome. Checking in?”

 “Yes, Y/F/N & Y/L/N.”

 The well-dressed receptionist typed your name into the computer, and seconds later, he smiled.

 “Yes, Ms. Y/L/N, welcome. You’re here for the Gordon-Wessington wedding. We’re delighted to have you with us. I see the rest of your party have arrived, all but one. I’ve been instructed to show you right to your room. Please follow George, and he will take you right to it.”

 “Thank you.”

 Turning, you saw a smiling man with kind eyes and a head full of red hair. “Right this way, ma’am.”

 You followed him across the lobby to the elevator bank and stepped onto the first available. The ride up to the second floor was a quick one. As you walked down the long hall, you took in the artwork on the wall. They were all pleasing to the eye and gave you the feel of comfort but elegance. Whoever decorated the place did a good job.

 “Here you are, ma’am,” George announced before he unlocked the door with an actual key rather than a card.

 As you stepped in, your jaw dropped at the huge bay window before you. You stepped into the living area of the suite and smiled when you saw the little luxuries the staff had afforded you. There was a welcome basket on the table before you that was filled with fruit, cheese, meats, and alcohol bottles. You made a mental note to pop one once George left to sip as you changed. To the right was another basket of a variety of chocolates all from Godiva.

 “Is everything to your liking?”

 “Yes, thank you so much, George.”

 You dug into your purse and took out a twenty and handed it to him. George bowed his head, then made his exit. Finally, alone you looked around the room that would be your home away from home for the next ten days. Eve was the one who’d made all the arrangements for this weeklong getaway, all in prep for her wedding. Parker told her no expense was too much, and by looking around the suite, you could tell she’d run with it.

 When you made it into the bedroom and sat on the bed, the room phone rang.

 “Hello?”

 “Finally! My god, what the hell took you so long?”

 Rolling your eyes at Eve’s voice, you hooked the phone between your ear and shoulder and then began undressing.

 “The fucking plane almost fell out of the goddamn sky!”

 “What!”

 You explained to her precisely what you’d been through the last two or so hours. When you got to the part about spilling every single internal thought you’d had since you were eighteen to Chris Evans, you expected some sympathy or even heartfelt words. Instead, she busted out laughing so obnoxiously loud that you hung up on her ass. You did not need to be laughed at right now. You were already embarrassed enough.

 Jumping into the shower, you did your best to push it all out of your mind. It no longer mattered. You couldn’t do anything to change it. So, what if you’d told him all those things. He probably already forgot them and you. It didn’t matter. You continued to repeat it, hoping that the more you said it, the truer it would be.

 When you stepped out, you quickly applied your makeup and did your hair, opting for an updo that would complement the strapless dress you planned on wearing. When you heard your phone chime, you knew it was Eve. Rushing to it, you checked her messages.

 MSG Eve: Hurry up. We’ve made it to the dining room. Everyone is packing in.

MSG: I’m coming. Putting on my shoes now. Five minutes.

 You spent the next five minutes trying to choose the right shoes and clutch that would tie it all together. You had to walk a fine line of not upstaging the bride but still trying to appear like a snack. You felt anything but right now due to earlier events, but you were going to push through.

 When you finally made it out of your room and onto the elevator, it was five minutes past when you’d told Eve you’d be down. As you walked through the lobby and down the corridor to the designated dining room, you tried to go as quickly as possible. Thanks to the banner outside the dining room that read “Gordon-Wessington Wedding,” you knew you were in the right place. Stepping into the dining room, you gave the room a once over, trying to find Eve and your friends.

All the way across the room, you saw Capri and Angela. They waved you over with wide smiles on their faces. Maneuvering around the tables, chairs, and guests, you made your way to them. As you passed guests, you warmly smiled and welcomed them. It was part of your maid of honor duties, after all.

 “Aah, finally,” Angela said, throwing her arms around you almost at the same time Capri did.

 “I’m here.”

 “And you came dressed to kill!”

 Smiling, you spun around to give them the full view. The two of them whistled, feeding your ego.

 “Wow, looks like you are going to be turning heads tonight. All of Parker’s friends are here, including his elusive best man,” Capri mentioned.

 “Oh my god, Y/N, finally.”

 Spinning, you saw Eve dressed in her figure-hugging white dress that showed just what a catch she was. Parker was one lucky guy.

 “I’m sorry. I’m here, though.”

 “You should be sorry,” Eve said as she hugged you.

 “Hi, Parker.” You quickly kissed his cheek.

 “Okay, we’re all here except Parker’s best man,” Eve announced.

 “He’s cutting it close, don’t you think?”

 Everyone gave you a look that said shut up, no doubt because you’d just gotten there yourself. Raising your hands in defeat, you rolled your eyes.

 “I can’t believe he’s late. He’s never late,” Parker said.

 “I’m here. I’m here,” came a voice from all the way across the dining room.

 Feeling a hand on your back, you turned to look at Capri and Angela.

 “You still have your tag.” The two of them tugged at the tag at the back of your dress until finally, it was off. Feeling the front of your dress slip down, you turned to Capri and Angela and readjusted the dress's bust, hoping it would stay in place.

 “Finally, bro, this is pretty close.”

 “Sorry, interviews in New York went over, couldn’t be helped. I’d never miss your wedding, though.”

 “Now you can meet Eve’s other best friend, her maid of honor. Y/N, this is my best friend and best man, Chris.”

 Spinning with a smile on your face, it immediately dropped, seeing Chris Evans standing before you yet again.

 “Fuck my life.”

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***If you want to be tagged please SEND AN ASK SO IT WILL BE EASIER FOR ME TO KEEP TRACK OF. Thank you for reading!!!  

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🗓 Save Me (Ken “Draken” Ryuguji) #05 – Dorayaki

Table of Contents & Information | Previous

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"With all my bridges burned, there's nowhere left to turn. Look inside to the purged, of sins and bad memories. Who cares if I make enemies? This is what I deserve. Here comes the rain. Won't you bring it on down and wash it all away?" Smash Into Pieces - The Rain

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A shadow fell over me and I glanced up from my book to find Mikey bending over me, a grin on his lips. I had quickly come to recognize that mischievous glint in his eye and I knew I probably wasn't going to like what was about to happen.

"H-Hi…"

"Let's go for a ride."

"Eh?"

"Come on, it'll be fun!" He reached for my hand but then paused, tilting his head as if contemplating, then he returned his hand to his side, standing up straight. "Please?"

I glanced at Draken who was having a conversation with Mitsuya on the other side of the garage. To be honest, he's the only one I'm starting to feel comfortable around. Not to say Mikey and Mitsuya are bad, though they are terrifying, but I just don't feel comfortable being alone with them. I'm far too awkward for one-on-one time with anyone.

Mikey chuckled, reaching out to poke me in the forehead with his index finger, earning a frown from me as my gaze returned to his. "Kenchin will be there~"

"I-I don't know…"

"You haven't left this garage in days," he huffed, hands on his hips. "You're coming with us, okay?"

I knew there was no point arguing and he was right. I hadn't done much of anything but sit in the corner and read, trying to forget everything that had happened. Spoiler - it wasn't helping at all. How many times have I read this same damn page about an old wizard explaining how time travel works? Ironic. You'd think I'd be paying extra attention to his monologue, trying to find any clues that could be useful to me, but I just couldn't focus. It's like my mind reads the words time travel and then nothing else matters.

"I'm gonna take your hand, okay?"

I just barely had time to process his words before his fingers wrapped around my wrist and he pulled me up effortlessly from the floor, tugging me toward the other side of the garage where three motorcycles sat. I wasn't nearly as panicked as last time, at least not about him grabbing me, but I was worried about where he was taking me. Was he gonna make me watch some fight as an initiation or something? I've seen plenty of violence on TV before and bloodbaths in movies, described in detail in books… is it the same in real life? Something told me it wasn't. I wanted to be confident in saying that I could stomach it, but I didn't actually know what my reaction would be unless I was there in that situation. And I honestly didn't want to put that to the test.

But I said nothing as we stopped in front of the bikes. He climbed on top of his like it was nothing, smiling at me as if to say, 'Well? Get on!'

I looked at the bike and swallowed nervously. I thought bikes were hella cool and I had always dreamed of owning one when I was growing up, but… there was something terrifyingly thrilling about them. If I had to compare it to something, I'd choose mother nature. So destructive and scary, but at the same time so beautiful and majestic. I knew to respect it because of its ability to destroy, but I couldn't help wanting to get closer despite the warnings in the back of my mind. My fingers lightly brushed against the cold metal, barely touching it from an irrational worry that it might break beneath my touch.

"Have you ever been on a bike before?" Draken wondered, his eyes watching me closely.

I quickly pulled my hand away and shook my head.

"You're riding with me, then."

"Eh? That's not fair!" Mikey frowned, watching as the taller man approached his own bike. "Why does Jaybird get to ride with you?"

"If it's her first time, she's gonna be nervous." His gaze met mine as he swung his long leg over the bike, settling down as if it were just a normal chair. "I'll take it easy. Hop on."

My heart hammered in my chest as I slowly approached the bike. I was nervous, but at least I felt safe around Draken. I knew he wouldn't do anything reckless or dangerous. At least, not this time around. Taking a deep breath, I carefully lifted my leg but I misjudged the distance and stumbled forward, grabbing onto Draken to steady myself.

Mitsuya tried to hide his laughter but the loud snort and the way he covered his mouth let me know how amusing he found this. Even Mikey was smiling widely, his eyes sparkling. My face burned, not only because I almost fell trying to get on a bike, but also because I could feel Draken's muscles through his shirt. I quickly released him, clearing my throat as I finally managed to settle down on the bike behind him. Okay… I take back what I said. Maybe I would be less nervous with Mikey because now that I realize how close I'm sitting to Draken… my brain is going to go haywire!

The bike roared to life beneath me and I grabbed the back of his shirt on instinct. Oh, this is going to be bad.

"Relax," Draken told me softly. "I won't let anything happen to you, but you have to wrap your arms around me or you'll fall off."

Fuck I forgot about that part. What is this Kdrama bullshit that's happening to me right now? My hands shook as I uncurled them from his shirt, reaching around him, but I hesitated, unable to bring myself to wrap them around his waist. I felt his hands engulf my arm, pulling me flush against his back as he directed my arms to wrap tight around his waist.

"Don't let go," he ordered with a stern tone.

"Let's go!" Mikey grinned, his bike roaring like a lion as he took off toward the metal garage door, already lifted and waiting for its masters to pass through.

I felt the bike surge forward as Draken followed after him and my grip tightened on its own, my heart hammering in my chest. He wasn't going as fast as Mikey was, but he wasn't exactly crawling either and, surprisingly, my fear started to melt a little bit. The scenery was passing by us, the wind whipping around our clothes and ruffling our hair. It felt… amazing. Freeing, even. I felt like a bird and I had never wanted to fly more than I did right then. I straightened my back as much as I could, peering over Draken's shoulder so I could see in front of us better. Despite myself, a smile made its way to my lips.

Do they feel it, too? This amazing sense of freedom. Do they feel it every time they go riding? As if the world just doesn't matter anymore and all of your problems are behind you? I made a mental note to ask them about it later even though I knew I would most likely forget.

"Having fun?" Draken called, his voice muffled by the wind.

I nodded and then realized he couldn't see it. Fail. "Yes!"

He chuckled in reply and started to speed up, steadily closing the distance between us and Mikey. I thought we were just going out for a ride and then returning to the garage, but I guess they had other plans in mind. They pulled up to a small confectionery shop at the edge of town.

Draken patted my arms once the engine was cut and I quickly released him, climbing off the bike. I was determined not to fall this time, but I once again misjudged the distance and my foot got caught on the seat, sending me back against Mikey who laughed in response.

"You're really bad at this, huh?" he commented with a grin.

I scowled in reply. It's not my fault I'm uncoordinated, okay, I was born this way. I followed the blonde into the store, Draken close behind. When we stepped inside, I was overwhelmed by the scent of sugar and various fruity aromas. Glass cases were filled with various types of baked goods, from cakes to candies. I had never been inside a store that focused only on sweets since it wasn't my go to food, so I'm feeling a bit blown away by just how many items there were, each one seemingly freshly prepared.

The middle-aged woman finished ringing up the customer before smiling at us. "Sano-kun, I was beginning to wonder if you got lost," she laughed at him, beginning to pull what looked like tiny pancakes from one of the glass cases.

"Sorry, I've been busy," he replied, rushing over to the glass case with wide, excited eyes. He looked much like a puppy happy to see his owner, but instead of sending that look to the woman, he was looking at the treats she was placing in a brown bag.

"You can choose whatever you want," Draken stopped beside me, his shoulder brushing against mine.

"But I don't -"

"I'm paying for it," he cut me off with a grin before heading over to Mikey, ignoring the scowl I sent to his back.

Is this really okay? Maybe I should try and get a job, but… the thought of being around other human beings and having to actually service them… it made me shudder. Humans are bad enough on their own but put them in a service environment and they get downright nasty. I wouldn't even last a day, but can I really keep letting these guys take care of me?

I rubbed the back of my neck, slowly walking by the glass cases as I inspected the contents inside. Nothing really caught my eye until I came to a section of character-themed cakes. They were small, clearly made for a single person, with various anime and cartoon characters beautifully drawn on top. I'm seriously impressed by how incredible they look, as if the characters jumped off the screen and onto the cake. Most of the characters I didn't know or didn't care about, but there was one featuring Russia from Hetalia and I found myself smiling at it. The sadistic country had always been my favorite and I love his eyes, they're magical! I didn't think Hetalia was around back in 2010, but I guess so.

On instinct, I reached for my phone to look it up but paused halfway, remembering that it didn't work. I don't even know why I'm still carrying it around with me, it's completely useless but… I guess it's the only thing keeping me grounded to the present. With Hanagaki gone, it's the only thing that reminds me that I'm not clinically insane and I actually did travel back in time. I rested my hand over my pocket. One day you'll work again, buddy. One day…

"Fwind anyfring you wike?"

I quirked a brow at Mikey, the pancake hanging from his lips as he looked inside the bag. "What?"

He took a bite and swallowed, pulling it from his mouth. "Find anything you like?"

I glanced at the Russia cake and then the price before looking back at him and shaking my head. "No… not really big on sweets…" I was well aware of Draken watching me and I had the feeling he knew I was lying, but he didn't push the subject if he did.

"Then you'll have plenty of room for dorayaki!" He pulled one out of the bag before thrusting it in my face, a grin on his face.

I took it hesitantly, turning it over in my hand. It looked like any old pancake, but I had a feeling there was more to it and I was scared to try it because I am a literal child. But Mikey was giving me such an expectant look, I knew it had to at least try, so I slowly raised it to my mouth and took a small bite. All I tasted was pancake, but it was the softest, fluffiest pancake I've ever had. The small bite revealed a reddish-brown goo inside, something between a paste and a jam. Swallowing the pancake, I took another small bite. The filling tasted nutty but sweet and it was quite a strange flavor to me. Not bad, but not something I would enjoy eating on the regular.

Still, I didn't want to disappoint Mikey so I smiled. "It's good."

"Right?" He grinned happily, clapping me on the shoulder. "I told you!"

Since it wasn't terrible, I decided to finish the treat and the three of us exited the store. Instead of taking off immediately, the two boys rested against their bikes, just enjoying the nice breeze of the afternoon. I heard the faint sound of bells which got louder as Mikey pulled his phone from his pocket.

"Hello?" Mikey tilted his head as he listened to a frantic voice on the other end. I could tell it was a male but I had no idea what was being said. "What? Where?" Another pause. "We're on our way." He slammed the phone closed before looking at Draken with a serious expression I had yet to witness before. It sent a chill down my spine, not helped by the fact that the carefree aura from before had dissipated into something tense and serious.

The two nodded at one another, not sharing a word before Mikey jumped on his bike, taking off. Draken did the same, waiting for me to scramble on after him.

"Hold tight," Draken told me, his tone hard as he revved the engine, racing after the shorter boy.

I had no clue what was happening, but I knew it was something serious, something dangerous. I knew this was going to happen! I buried my face into his back and closed my eyes, trying not to focus too much on how fast my heart was beating. Could he feel it against his back? I really hoped he couldn't.

We reached their destination in no time at all and they climbed off their bikes, heading for a set of steps that led down toward a quay. Before I could take another step after them, Draken turned, his eyes hard.

"Stay here," he ordered, beginning to turn back around but he paused, took a deep breath, and approached me. He got so close to me that I tried to step back on instinct, but my legs hit his bike, trapping me between it and him. His eyes bore into my own and I couldn't bring myself to look away. "Please. Don't move from here. We'll be back soon."

Before I could reply, he was rushing toward Mikey who was waiting on him, not looking worried as he ate another dorayaki.

I swallowed hard, hands balled into fists. I know what he said and I know I should listen to him, but… I deserve to know what I'm getting myself into with these people. So, I added another stupid thing to my list.

I followed them.

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Next

Hi beautiful sending you love mwah 😘😘 just wanted to know if you can write something were you hear Shawn talk badly about you so you distance yourself. Please.

Thank you so much for requesting!! 😘😘

Pairing : Shawn x y/n

Warnings : language and angst

Word count : 2.8 k

The first thing you heard when you opened the door to Shawn's condo was basically loud laughter of people including your boyfriend's. You just came back from work, a bit earlier than usual because shawn had been complaining about how he doesn't get to spend time with you because work has been crazy for you and you had a lot of files to finish and you were hella tired of your boss being a complete asshole, who never lets anyone stay home and he was no different to you. Anyways you were not at all aware of the fact that he had guests over.

The sound was coming from the living area of Shawn's penthouse apartment and apart from Shawn's, you recognised the laughter as Brian's, and Connor's. A small smile creeped on your face. You absolutely adored Shawn's friends so you walked towards the living to say 'hi' to them.

You were close enough to hear what they were talking about when your legs came to halt at the mention of you name.

"So how's life with y/n? Tour's over....You're free and now that y/n is staying with you, you must have a lot of cheesy things to say" Connor said whilst laughing.

"Oh yeah I actually do but not right now because why the hell would you mention my so called clingy girlfriend?" Shawn said and Brian laughed so loudly at that but your heart stopped.

"What??! What are you saying?!?" Connor said because shawn has been the most "I'm obsessed with my girlfriend and she is my goddess!!" Type of guy he had ever met.

"I said y/n is extremely clingy and annoying and I don't have anything good to say about her right now so please stop talking about that hoe!!" Shawn said and started laughing like crazy with Brian. Both of their laughs clouding your mind. You just stood there not able to comprehend anything.

You turned around silently, grabbed your keys and left the apartment in the same clothes you came in.

You got in your car and started driving slowly. You were now driving to nowhere for about 30 mins.

The moment you processed the words shawn said you slammed the break and your head came down on the stearing wheel with a plasticy bang.. must have been painfull.. ow poor y/n.

Did he really say that?!? Does he think I'm an annoying clingy hoe?!? Hell! "HE" was the one who wanted me to stay home and spend time with 'HIM'!! And I'm clingy?!? Is this the guy you've been in love with for what? Like 3 years?!! How could he call you a hoe!?! Why would any boyfriend disrespect his girlfriend like that??!? This is the worst day ever!!

All these thoughts were knocked out from your mind by a loud honking sound. You were basically in the middle of a road and by now, there were tons of cars parked behind you. Wow! You just created a big traffic block in the middle of Toronto city. Go you!! *Claps of sarcasm*

You quickly turned around and took another route to make your way back to Shawn's apartment like nothing happened. Haha asshole! but sometimes you gotta act like you weren't the cause of a huge ass traffic block..

You didn't know exactly why you were going back. To lay it onto him?? To get your things?? I don't know but you got home with slouched shoulders and an emotion less face.

You were about to reach and open the door when Shawn opened the door and a bright smile appeared on his face on seeing you which almost made you forget about the things he just said. Eh but not really.

"Baby!!!! I missed you so much today!!" He said and went in for a hug and you hugged him back it was as if someone was clawing at your heart.

"I'm just gonna walk these guys out and I'll be back in a second okay? You get freshened by then" He said sweetly but right now his words seemed anything but sweet!

How dare he say that to them and then act like nothing happened?? That too infront of them?!?! Which speaking of-!

"Hey y/n!!!" Connor and Brian said at the same time and both hugged you and you silently hugged them back, with a fake smile that could basically convince anyone but not Shawn.

"You guys go ahead I'll come in a sec" he said and turned to you.

"Okay then Bye y/n" they both bid their goodbyes and made their way to the lift.

"Hey what happened baby? Any problem with your boss??" Shawn asked tilting your chin up to look you in the eyes.There was evident hurt in them.

You were debating to weather tell him or push him away but you didn't choose any of that.

"Yeah..had a bad day at work"

"Aww baby you go inside and sit down okay! I'll be back after properly saying goodbye to the guys and you can tell me all about your day. Alright?" He asked sweetly but it sounded like straight up sarcasm to you but you chose not to call him out right now.

He gave you a short peck and there he goes ....'probably gonna talk more shit about me' you thought to your self which and it made you feel like your heart was stabbing itself.

You went inside and sat yourself on the couch. The same couch where the love of your life talked shit about you being a clingy hoe. (Sorry I'm just over dramatic 😅)

About 5 mins later shawn came in and sat by your side.

"What happened baby?? What did your crazy boss do this time?" He asked while taking your hand in his and slowly stroking the back of your hand with his other hand but you didnt move.

"Nothing..just the usual..I have...work...just...I-!...I'm going to take a shower" you said. A slight frown appeared on Shawn's face. But he understood....some days you were like this when work really stressed you out.

'Maybe she doesn't wanna talk about it' he thought.

"Okay baby" he said and you stood up from the couch and before you walked 4 steps shawn caught your hand and pulled you into him.

He craddled your face in his warm huge palms that always made you melt like it wasn't even a big deal at all and kissed your lips sweetly.

You kissed him back but pulled away quicker that shawn would have liked which caused a small pout on his perfectly soft pink lips and all you wanted to do was kiss it away so that's what you did but quickly reminding yourself that he thinks your a clingy hoe and pulling away again.

"Let me kiss my girl properly first" he said smiling at you and you'd be lying if you said it doesn't do things to you even if your upset with him. How could he do this?!? One time he's saying he hates you and now he's all over you as if he really is?!?

"I'm tired shawn I wanna take a shower" you said while planting the same fake smile on your face. He frowned at you and them pulled you into a hug and you only dropped your hands low...not embracing the hug.

"Want me to join?' he asked playfully smirking at you and it literally made you feel all sorts of way but you knew it was all an act and he just.. thought you were a hoe.

"No I'm really tired shawn" you said now turning around and walking to the bathroom with tears forming real quick in your eyes.

"Okay... baby I'll start preparing dinner then" he said and you didn't fail to pick up the hurt in his voice. But why??? He doesn't care at all!! What a great ass actor?!? Your seriously doubting if you dreamed all that. But nah...its real..he hurt you.

You took a long ass shower washing yourself and feeling all your emotions get warmed up by the warm water and you just...started crying. You cried silenty under the shower where one couldn't distinguish tears from water. Maybe you were clingy. But that's only because you love him but why would he call you a HOE!?! Why?? Why would he disrespect you like that?? After 3 years of relationship, was your love for him making you look like a hoe??

After you got out of the shower, usually you would've just put on one of Shawn's hoodies and then go chill on the couch but today you just.. couldn't bring yourself to wear his clothes. So you put on one of your band t-shirts and some shorts and walked to the kitchen where Shawn had already prepared and put out dinner on the table and was waiting for your company.

He came to you with a toothless smile on his face which quickly dropped by half when he noticed you weren't wearing one of his clothes..but he didn't let it bother him that much or let's say... tried to act like it didn't bother him as much as it did. You still noticed it though..and it gave you a weird feeling.

He hugged you which again you didn't return.

"You smell so good!" He said pulling away from the hug and you gave him your half assed fake smile AGAIN.

Shawn was fully aware that something was wrong but he thought you'd tell him while having dinner.

He led you to the table and pulled the chair out for you like he always did and you both sat down to have dinner.

Awkwardness was all around the table.

You did not talk at all and even though shawn tried his best and asked you stuff to get you to talk about what's wrong or let's say..make it less awkward, all your replies were just..yes, no and silence.

After dinner you washed your plate and mumbled a goodnight that didn't feel like it was to ANYONE and went to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It went like this for a few days.. you being extra awkward to Shawn and purposely avoiding him and distancing yourself from him and being really down. He was really sad and hurt and frustrated because he would ask you whats the matter and you would either tell him "nothing" or just shrug your shoulders. You didn't even look him in the eyes anymore. Shawn was really really confused and even more worried.

Well how could you talk to him?!? After all he called you clingy and annoying which means he doesn't want you around and also he called you a hoe.

One day Shawn came back from the studio and saw you reading a book on the couch. A small smile creeped on his face knowing that you were reading some sort of romance novel.

"What are you doing?" He asked while coming and sitting next to you.

You were pretty lost in the book so you did not see him coming in.

"Oh just a stupid book haha... I have to get back to work now.." you said and got up to leave only to walk two steps and stop at the mention of your name.

"Y/n" you turned around to see Shawn now standing up from the couch with a very hurt look on his face.

"I don't know why but I noticed that you've been purposefully avoiding me for a few days..why are you doing that?? What did I do??please talk to me.." He asked now looking straight into your eyes and you could see right in his eyes that he was hurt.

"What? I don't know what your talking abou..-!" You were cut of by Shawn showing his palm infront of your face.

"Y/n stop...you know what you've been doing.....Is it me?? Did I do anything wrong?? Please talk to me.....you can always talk to me you know" he said now reaching for your hand but the moment his hand touched you you shook it away and backed off like he attacked you or something.

Shawn looked at you as if his heart just broke.

"No shawn..you should've thought about that before calling me a clingy, annoying hoe" you said for once and stormed in your bedroom slamming the door shut.

Shawn followed right behind you and got the door shut right on his face.

"What are you talking about-!? I- I-..! Dont understand! I never called you any of that!" Shawn said now leaning on the door.

"Stop fucking lying shawn I heard you talking with connor and Brian that day and you called me all those things!!" You barked from the other side of the door.

"Shit! Baby I can explain! Please open the door for me! I swear I didn't mean for you to hear it!" He said now banging on the door.

"Of course you didn't! And Explain what?!? That I'm being delusional and maybe even say some half assed lies?? How did I ever believe that you love me?!? Maybe I am clingy...But you called me a hoe!!"

"No baby please listen! I know it would've sounded so very wrong but just wasn't being serious! We were just joking around and I said that" he tried to explain and it did not even harm a hair of your anger.

"Haha what are you saying shawn?! That would never convince anyone! Try harder with your lies and leave me the fuck alone!" You said.

"Baby please believe me.. you are the most gorgeous and amazing women I've ever met and I could never ever say such things about you! I love you! Please believe me!" He said with tears threatening to spill from his eyes.

"I wish I could believe you shawn..but I actually heard this with my own ears.." you said.. now wiping your own tears.

"Please open the door for me I will explain it all please just...hear me out!" He said now bringing his hands to his face to catch the spilling tears.

You opened the door to him kneeling on the floor. You sat next to him resting your back on the wall.

After a few seconds he came and sat next to you..... Both of you staring at whatever that was ahead of you.

"Explain" you said.

Shawn wiped his tears and started talking.

"So...that day..you went to work and connor and brian came over and we were chatting on the couch and you know how connor loves you and me together like he ships us so hard haha so me and Brian were just pranking him and joking around so I just said I don't like you to prank connor....it sounds so fake...I know but that's the truth..I should've never said that..even if it was a joke I'm so sorry baby. You can even call Brian or Connor right now and ask them if you don't believe me " he said

By now you felt almost dizzy..you're so dumb!! 😬..you were making such a huge ass deal about this. OMG you're so stupid!! Wtf?? How could you be so stupid?? Like..all of this would've never happen if you just opened your mouth and talked to your boyfriend!!!!

"I..-! I'm sorry" you said, looking at Shawn who was already looking at you.

"I'm so so sorry baby I thought you didn't love me anymore I mean..I know I'm not that good looking and you could basically have any girl you wanted and I just-! I'm so sorry!! Ya know I always am terrified that one day I'll wake up and you don't love me anymore and I just-.... I should've just talked to you about this. Shit! I'm so stupid this is all my fault!!" You were full on crying right now and shawn just pulled you to his chest while you cried.

"Hey Don't say that!! You're the most beautiful girl I've ever laid eyes on and I can't even imagine living a life where you hate me and it's okay bubba I mean..if I was you this is exactly how I would've acted but from now on ..please talk to me if I did something that upsets you....I hate it when we cry" shawn said cracking a small smile.

"I'm sorry again" you said pouting your lips only for shawn to grab your face and kiss your frown away replacing it with a genuine smile, Something that has been lacking from your face for the past few days.

"It's alright now do you wanna make dinner or get Mc Donalds??"

You smiled at your sweet boy. He already knew the answer.

"Mc Donalds it is!"

SO I know I’m like, super late to the party, but I finally got my hands on Robin 2021 and there is literally no one for me to talk to about it so now I’m just screaming my thoughts into the void ✌

First off, before i even bought the first two issues, I read through a lot of other people’s opinions on it to kinda get an idea of where it was going characterization-wise for Damian, and because of all the mixed reactions, I figured I should just read it myself and find out. Now I am the FURTHEST thing from a comic book authority, so like, this is truly just an opinion piece but if it convinces anyone to give the run a chance, then yay!!! Honestly, I’m really glad I gave it a shot because I’m genuinely hooked! I’m actually excited about this series (and it scares me lol)!!!

I'm gonna separate my thoughts into two sections: characters, and story, mainly for my own ease, but also if anyone cares more about one thing or the other it's easier to distinguish. But,  the line is a little blurry so if I end up getting a little too much into the characterization in the story section, just bear with me lmao. OH and I'm going to try and keep this as un-spoilery as possible but we'll just have to see. SOOOOOOOO

Characters

I think it goes without saying that Melnikov's art is absolutely gorgeous, and really does show how much Damian has grown up. It makes me want to sob its so beautiful, everyone is so pretty, even the guy that looks like a washed up, high as fuck Tony Stark lmao. But moving on to the actual characters,

Rose Wilson

I honestly don't know too much about Rose, I haven't read enough about her to say anything about her characterization and how it compares to her other appearances, or whether or not she is OOC, but so far, I'm enjoying her taking up the "big sis" role, like, immediately lmao.

I don't know how much I trust her yet, but I definitely get the vibe that even if she does betray Dami in any way, she's probably gonna stick her neck out for Dami again and he's probably gonna do the same.

I'm really intrigued about her motivations for being here. Obviously, Respawn has something to do with it, but I want to know what's up with that. I've seen a lot of theories and I'm so excited. Also side note, that Black Swan chick is hot, and I can't wait to see more of her in action!!!

I feel like Ravager knows a WHOLE lot more than Dami does about the interesting things going on on the island, mainly because she's been doing a lot more sitting and waiting than he has as of yet, but I'm hoping to see more of the two of them doing detective-y sleuthing together. We love a mysteryyyy

Flatline

Okay but real talk, why does she look like a character straight out of Monster High

Honestly tho, I dig it. It's cute! She's cute! She isn't annoying (yet) but I don't know if I care too much about her other than she would make a cute friend for Dami.

I think the problem with DC is that they know people LOVE Harley Quinn and they try so hard to make characters just like her but it always falls short, so honestly I am a little wary of her character development in this run, but I'm willing to give her a shot since her little coffin purse on the cover of the second issue is so damn cute. I'm a slut for character design, okay?

Oh speaking of Flatline and Dami, I don't ship it and I don't want them to force a romantic relationship into Damian's "coming of age"/"soul-searching" moment okay? Because that's what this run is about, at least to me! More on that in the story section!

They're literally 13/14 years old. That's 8th-9th grade, babes lets think about that for a minute

Also let's stop the whole "lets introduce a female character just to make her a love interest!" bullshit okay?

Basically, Flatline is interesting, or at least has the potential to be, but I don't want to get my hopes up because DC is notorious for disservicing their female characters 😕

I think the mixed reaction to her is valid, I don't think she's had much time to make a solid impression yet, so I guess you'd have to read it for yourself. Personally, I don't understand why people immediately hate her, especially because she's like, 14, and what kid that age isn't annoying? like at least a little bit lmao! But, yeah. I don't trust her either but literally everyone on this island is sketchy at least and a murderer at best, so hey 🤷‍♀️

Damian

His new outfit lmaoooo at first I was like "WHaT is this child wearing? You'd think Dick would have rubbed off on him and taught him what good taste looks like" but then I saw the later outfit, with the gold patterning and those sleeeevessssss ugh and I take it all back. A Fashion Icon TM. Truly stunning. A sight to behold. So proud, look at him go 😪

I think there's a lot of different opinions on Damian's characterization in this run, and I can definitely see where its coming from, but I disagree with the notion that Damian has been done dirty and reverted to a blood-thirsty, feral child.  And I have a LOT of opinions on the whole "feral" thing regarding Damian period (but that's for another time).

I don't think of Dami's rampage as a regression for his character. He's letting of emotions right then and I think its very similar to him venting. Its just not verbal, its physical and he knows he's not going to have to grapple with the consequences of his actions on the first kill. He knows he's technically not doing anything wrong.

He is clearly upset at Bruce and his failure to protect Alfred, and while Dami and Bruce are really often described as being very similar personality-wise, they are still distinctly different individuals who came to their current moral codes in vastly different ways. Bruce came to his "no killing" rule on his own; he made that decision for himself. It wasn't taught to him, it was a moment-of-truth kind of situation. Damian, on the other hand is in a vastly different situation.

Dami is, I think, at the beginning of the climb to his own moment-of-truth. He is in his rebellious phase like Dick, where he's gone off to spread his wings. It's not his conscious intention (at least that's not the vibe I got from reading the first two issues), but its directly underlying his "mission".

Damian is growing out of the expectations of his parents and into his own person. We all know he's been thrown from one moral code to another, both drastically different from each other. I don't think its a regression for him to lose his way a little, because realistically, he's going to have to in order to find it, specifically a moral compass that he forged on his own. He's just what? 14? Like hell a kid his age wants to listen to any form of authority. He's as stubborn as it comes. Damian needs to come to his decision regarding the path he takes in life on his own. It can't be made for him. He's seen and lived both sides of the coin, and I don't think he should be forced just yet to choose a side or pave a middle ground, but I do think that he should get the opportunity to see and experience all the gray areas on his own.

I think I'll transition from characterization to story here, because let's face it, this story is about Damian dealing with his confused emotions right now, in the wake of losing Alfred, a man that kind of acted like a grounding presence, a voice of reason, or a moral compass for him (and honestly Bruce and the rest of the bat crew if we're honest).

Story

So there's a lottttt going on in the story that is really enticing and exciting, and I'm really interested to see how it all plays out.

All the rules to the tournament are so, sketchy? Like they don't sound like they are meant to be sketchy, its basic safety and guidelines or whatever but with all the glowy green shit and the stakes of the tournament? Yeah, you can bet your ass its the "no fighting at night" and other shit is gonna be broken, and that's likely when the fun begins *insert evil laughter*😈

I was slightly put off by the whole "let me teach you to have fun" thing with Rose, because it's not like Dick, Steph, Jon, and like the Titans haven't done that with him too, but eh, not something I'm too concerned about. It's definitely just a segway to get us introduced to more characters that might become Damian's friends which will be interesting considering what Mother Soul said about fraternizing.

And that's another thing! I want Damian to make some friends! I know he already has some, but here's the thing: I think he's already been struggling with belonging, and he's definitely been feeling the disconnect between his life and other kids', whether they're supers/vigilantes or not. I think it'd be nice to see Dami have the experience of meeting people who he at first thinks are just like him!! and then realizing that maybe he doesn't really fit in here either, and that it's okay to feel like you don't belong, as isolating as it may feel at times. It just means you have a set of values. I want him to realize that its not always a bad thing, and you learn more about yourself and your own heart this way.

And from there,,, lets talk about the thing that stuck out to me the most in these two issues! GUILT!! It's mentioned SOO many times already, and I think its going to be a really fun, heartbreaking, and interesting aspect to explore about Damian. Is it guilt about his actions? Leaving behind family? Not being able to save Alfred? Not being a perfect example of Robin? He may call himself Robin but he doesn't sport the OG look or symbol like before. I love that his guilt takes on the form of Alfred though, or at least his conscious. I think it'd be really interesting to see this conscious disappear when Dami strays too far from his center, and when he finds it again, it reappears.

I really think that seeing Damian's actions in this run as a failure of character development is an unfair assessment, though. You can't do everything right in order to grow! You have to screw up, lose your way, experiment with life to find your fit, right?

Something tells me he doesn’t care for the tournament itself, but the end result, and the people behind it and more about WHY it was hidden from him. I mean he finds out the tournament TRULY begins once everyone has died once and tHEN he kill everyone? Felt to me less like a “killing spree” as everyone put it to a calculated decision to get the tournament going. He literally cuts Mother Soul off in the middle of her speaking to start fighting at the beginning

Anyway, just my thoughts lol. I do have some issues with the past two issues, and I might make a separate post about that, but honestly not enough for me to dislike Robin 2021 so far. I mean, besides the very obvious white-washing in the second issue, because DC can absolutely do better. And they should. It’s like they thought we wouldn’t notice???? But besides that, story and characterization-wise I’m looking forward to more. Here’s to hoping it stays that way, just with a better colorist!

Hey hey hey. I hope you're doing well!! With A court of Silver Flames coming soon, I was wondering what your opinion is about it. Personally I'm rather worried with how the book will go and I just really don't want Nesta to go to the Illyrians Mountains. I want her to say fuck it and whatever happens she does on her own terms. But I don't believe that's very likely and well, 😔. Here's to hoping that Sarah is going to do a great job with the book.

Hope you had a great Christmas and New Year!! ❤️❤️

Hey! I had lovely holidays, I hope you did too :)

I am of...so many minds about the next book. Overall, I really do think its going to be a lot like reading acowar: I’ll enjoy reading it in a light way, but retrospective awareness of plot holes/weird character stuff will keep me from loving it. Fun book not...a masterful book that holds up?

I have MANY wishes for how Nesta’s story would play out, but the ground work for a very different series of events is where acofas left us. 

I’ve talked at length about how the Illyria thing seems...bad. I initially tried to be excited?? GOD do I want a nessian book! an Illyrian revolution! But the framework is just..fucked? I’m not down with a romance starting with the woman in the pairing (who has already told her male counterpart to leave her alone) being passed like a recalcitrant pet into his custody. 

Do I love a situation with strife and limitations that forces people to see each other? Yes. Do I like this one? Eh.

In particular the setup of this one is functioning on multiple bad levels. Feyre, sending her sister away because she’s decided personal offense? Is the response? To someone clearly at rock bottom and suicidal? Taking away another home, this one Nesta was always sure didn’t want her, proving to Nesta that her sister can’t stand to have her even in the same city.

Rhysand, who I’ve talked about before in this instance. Who wants Nesta gone. If Nesta dies in Illyria, fine. She’ll probably take out some of rebels when she goes. She’s Cassian’s mate? Cool maybe she’ll kill whoever inevitable comes at him. It’s sending an armed nuclear weapon into a failing peace talk. Rhys knows Illyria is on the edge of rebellion.

Cassian. Just- jesus christ, Cassian. It’s like he can’t get it right because he doesn’t trust himself enough, ever, to just go with his first impulse where Nesta is concerned. (See, following Rhysands threat to the letter and NOT SAYING A WORD TO HER AT SOLSTICE, BUT THEN FOLLOWING HER OUT INTO THE DARK BECAUSE HE DID, IN FACT, WANT HOLIDAY TIME WITH HER). He’s maybe hurt her the most? 

Which leads me to something else. I am very, very excited to have both of their canon POVs. Because I have questions! 

Like, okay, the big failure is obviously the end of that last terrible battle. We see them decide to die together. The kiss. The bloody embrace. Hybern’s death. The promise that probably meant quite literally everything to Nesta.

And then...all we know, from like, a little throwaway sentence is that somehow, the next time we see Cas, moments later, he is a)well enough to stagger off the field (did Nesta try to heal him?), and b) arm in arm with Morrigan.

Mor was, I think, supposed to be protecting Elain? It’s her only action through the entire war, and we never see it happen, and then she.... showed up somewhere behind her charge, who’d just stabbed Hybern...to... rip Cassian out of Nesta’s arms and heal him? Once again be a physical, vicious barrier, while Nesta is too in shock to say anything and Cassian...lets her?

And lets be clear, he had to have let her. I know he’s half dead, but one book before we have Cassian unconscious, scrabbling in a pool of his own blood, completely unaware but still trying to respond to Nesta being tossed in the Cauldron.

He’s aware. Present. 

And I want to know why it happened! I want someone to reveal this terrible break, that is, I think, quite literally where Nesta fractured. 

Illyrian promises are a Big Deal in-universe. Cassian promised her- and then, does it just not count, because they did not, in fact, die? 

He’s not stupid, or cruel- though Cassian’s pride and wounded ego temper does cockblock him CONSTANTLY- what the hell happened?

I’m getting way off topic- but the thing is, as much as I want them together, I think the best outcome for Nesta is to have an ally that isn’t Cassian. 

Hello, Emerie. 

But! Much like the mountain set up at all, that’s also totally fraught? I’ve said it before, but could there be any bigger insult to Illyrian ladies denied their power, fighting unsuccessfully for rights, for the privilege to be Illyrian...than yet another High Fae lady, this one clearly unwilling, living in their mountains, learning their techniques, from a legendary general???

So yes, I agree, Nesta’s banishment was a pretty shitty call on all accounts.

I like the idea of the Queens being her enemies. That it wasn’t just done, what happened to her and destroyed her life, with Hybern. That Nesta has to face what else the Cauldron made. 

(A note though, on power: the narrative needs to decide, SO BADLY, what Nesta’s powers are. Primordial? Deadly? Cool, then Rhysand shouldn’t be pushing her around. The Cauldron canonically made the world, and Nesta canonically took so much of its magic she permanently damaged its function.)

What I would do, if I were writing it, is this: I’d have Cassian let Nesta go. 

He takes her out of Velaris. Away from Rhys and Feyre, from everything, and says, you don’t have to come with me.

And it’ll mean- you don’t have to come with me, because I know you don’t want to. I won’t trap you. Now or ever. I love you, I love you, I love you.

Cassian, going in one direction, free in the sky. Nesta, going another, unmoored but choosing it. Cassian handles the Illyrian rebellion, and figuring out what he needs. Nesta heals slow, falls in with the Band of Exiles, whose closeness to human causes leads her back to helping her people, to eventual collision course with the Queens.

SEPARATE journeys in parallel that come together in peril. They meet again strong. Free of the Night Court. Trying to do what is right.

And then, they fight. Because it’s still the easiest language they both speak. But they ALSO still love each other- and isn’t this, after all, so very nearly another life? It’s time, to fight side by side.

But what I think is going to happen is a lot more...painful? They’re going to go to Illyria and Cassian is going to make Nesta train. They’re going to fight and fuck, hurt each other with both those things way before they’re ready for something real. The rebellion might not happen? Nesta’s going to get a Feyre 2.0 fighting course. It’ll empower her...but it’s still not her choice. 

She’s then either going to a) go rogue and go after the Queens herself, b) get kidnapped again, or c)Rhysand is going to send her and Cassian after them, banishment matchmaking vol. 2: the assassination assignation, maybe with backseat Azriel, who has also had goddamn enough of everything.

Love is, of course, going to prevail, but really at this point, what I want most (aside from ANSWERS)is just...Nesta’s health? For her to spend time around people who treat her with even the slightest modicum of respect?

And I do have hope! The advertising has emphasized found family specifically. I hope, so badly, that that means Nesta gets her own family. That her journey takes her to a place she chooses. 

Cassian needs to heal too- and really, really, decide to live for himself and make his own choices. My greatest hope isn’t just that it’s a sexy love story, but that they end up better, freer, and more appreciated by the end. 

flick

bakugou katsuki x reader (extraordinary you au)

summary: bakugou and midoriya are the main love interests for a romance manga and ochako is the main girl. (spoiler: she chooses deku) what happens when y/n, an extra, becomes self-aware that she’s nothing but a side character to help develop their relationships?”

!unedited!

*flick*

wait a minute. wasn’t i just talking to jirou? why am i in the cafeteria now?

“ah! y/n! youre here! ive been looking for you!”

“huh? jirou? what are you…weren’t we just in the classroom?” She looked at me as if I was crazy.

“what do you mean? its finally time for lunch! did you hit your head at training or something?”

“training? what? but- we were still in class just now.”

*flick* 

i jerked back up as if i had just woken up. but i hadn’t. we haven’t even eaten yet. so.…why was the school day finished?

“y/n!! there you are! you seem to be harder to find than usual today!”

“jirou…did you hear that? and what about lunch?”

“lunch? its time to head back to the dorms. now that you mention it, i wonder what we’re having for dinner tonight!”

*flick*

“alright. l/n. get ready to spar with bakugou. i’m too tired to watch this so i’m gonna go ahead and nap. everyone else can judge today.”

“wait- aizawa-sensai!”

“tch. damn extra. hurry uP AND FIGHT.”

extra? me? wait a minute-

*flick*

“ochako-chan! are you alright?”

i didn’t mean to say that. why are we in the infirmary?

“huh? l/n-san? what am i doing here?”

“midoriya-kun carried you here after one of bakugou-kun’s explosions missed me and hit you instead!”

what? when did that happen?

*flick*

“it’s time to take your midterm. put your books away and take out a pencil and eraser.”

this shouldn’t be right. midterms shouldn’t start until three weeks! this must be some sort of prank. did i get hit by a quirk or something?

“woah! l/n! i haven’t seen your text book this beat up since middle school!”

“huh? jirou? but i just got this!”

“huh? are you trying to make me feel better by acting like you forgot what today is?”

i looked down at my book. she was right. it had tabs and- that’s my handwriting! but, i don’t remember writing any of this. how will i pass?

*flick*

what is that sound?

“alright. pencils down and pass up your papers.”

“wait a sec-”

kaminari took my paper before i could even look at it. did i even fill it out? why am i forgetting everything?

*flick*

“woah! l/n-chan got everything right!”

“it makes sense, she studied hard everyday until the midterm!”

what? what is going on? why can’t i remember anything that happened in between? and what is that noise?

i turned to jirou.

“hey, have i been acting weird lately?”

“huh? no, not really. but just the fact that you’re asking that question makes me wonder if something is wrong. what’re you thinking about?”

“it’s nothing really, i just can’t seem to remember certain things. for example, i don’t even remember taking the midterm!”

“eh? that’s probably because you sped through it since you knew all the answers. i wouldn’t worry too much.”

she grinned at me and turned away. 

what am i going to do now? 

*flick*

ah. it’s lunch again. i’m not hungry so i guess i’ll just go to the library instead.

the library was eerily empty for lunch time. that was the least of my concerns though. i had to figure out what was going on. i checked all the aisles to see if there was something that could tell me what was wrong. in the corner of my eye i saw a book that seemed to be wiggling out of place. i reached up and grabbed it. i opened the book to discover it was a manga. a romance manga? why do these characters seem so familiar? is that- ochako-chan? midoriya-kun? and bakugou-kun? why are they in this? i had so many questions. but most importantly-

what was i doing in this?

*flick* 

i gasped. why was it my turn to lay down in the infirmary? and where did that book go? i tried to get up but i couldn’t move. no matter how hard i tried. i couldn’t even speak. what was going on now? i heard muffled voices. 

“if you get close to bakugou-kun again i’ll kill you!”

“i can’t believe how shameless you are to use his money to even go to this school!”

“your quirk is so weak, there is no way you’ll be a hero!”

“i bet you just seduced him in order to get into class A!”

“why don’t you do us all a favor and leave bakugou-kun alone for once?”

i wasn’t sure who was talking but before i knew it i was standing up on my own. 

“hey! leave ochako-chan alone!”

“heehee whatever you say!” the group of girls giggled and proceeded to shove ochako to the ground before locking us in. i looked at her to find her on the verge of tears.

“hey, ochako-chan it’s ok! i should be able to open the door for us!” 

i was not at all confident that i could open this door.

however, i surprised us and opened it with ease.

“oh. uh. i didn’t know i could do that. um. well, i guess i’ll see you later? i kinda have to get to the library now!” i sprinted out and closed the door before she could say anything and closed the door behind me. i turned the corner to see midoriya-kun running while shouting ochako-chan’s name. “she’s in the infirmary!” i told him. he looked startled but proceeded to run towards the room anyways.

once i made it back to the library i began to search for the book again. i found it in the same spot and all the questions i had seemed to be answered. i- was in a manga? and i’m not even the main character? what is this? bakugou-kun and midoriya-kun are love rivals? i let out a deep sigh and shook my head. i can’t believe i’m just some extra that shows up for their convenience.  

*flick*

i’ve gotten used to this by now. it’s as if there are two worlds within this one: the stage and the shadow. the stage is where all of the main story line occurs, but the shadow is where all of the time in between happens. there, other characters have no clue what is happening and forget everything that occurred when the next scene starts. so far, it seems like no one else has realized what kind of world we live in.

as i walked lost in thought, i bumped into bakugou.

“oof- sorry bakugou-kun! ah- it’s not like you’ll remember this anyways. you know- you’re actually kind of cute. too bad, you’re a main character and i’m just an extra, like you always say. i also feel kind of bad for you, you have second lead syndrome. oh well! it’s not like you get what i’m saying!”

“what the fu-”

i did this to him often. while reading the manga, i have to admit, i became quite a fan of his. all of the cringy flirting and cliche lines aside, he was quite the attractive character. he almost made me wish i was ochako.

*flick*

aww how nice! the author has gifted me with some free banana milk! but- why?

“hi l/n-chan!”

“ochako-chan! you’re here early!”

her stomach growled. 

ah. that’s why. why couldn’t i have it just this once? don’t i deserve it for working so hard as a side character? 

“you haven’t eaten yet? here take this!” i reluctantly gave it to her with a grimace and turned to see bakugou-kun approaching us. 

“you. come with me.”

i’m so jealous of ochako. she gets to be crushed on by bakugou, while im stuck here trying to help her decide between which boy helps her more. i can’t believe she’s going to pick midoriya and not bakugou.

*flick*

i sighed as i was finally released from the stage. i stretched and looked at my classmates. i thought this would be the perfect opportunity for them to start flirting or something, but to my surprise bakugou was looking at me. i looked around and pointed at myself. 

“me? not- not ochako-chan?” i stuttered in disbelief. she was already running away and towards midoriya who waved for her to come over.

“the fuck? no. i’m talking to you, you damn extra.”

“um...ok? what’s up?” i asked awkwardly. 

why was he talking to me? this wasn’t supposed to happen. he should be teasing ochako by taking her (my) milk by now. 

“i thought about what you said last time and it just doesn’t make sense.”

“huh? last time? what did i say?”

“man, you really are crazy. you know, you kept talking about how i’m a main character or something and that i wouldn’t remember what you said.”

my eyes widened. he wasn’t supposed to remember that. now what’s happening? my life is so strange these days. i seem like a broken record.

“um. you must be remembering wrong. i- i never said anything like that!” i laughed nervously. he could obviously tell i was lying. 

“fine. don’t help me. i’ll just figure it out by myself. i can’t believe i tried asking for  fucking help.” he whispered to himself. 

“we live in a manga!” i blurted out suddenly. “you and midoriya-kun are the main characters and you both have a crush on ochako-chan!”

there was no way he would believe that.

“you- uh you must be thinking you’re going crazy right? you hear strange noises and you can’t remember certain events even though you were sure you were doing something before hand?”

“how...the fuck did you know?” he looked at me with shock. i sighed and grabbed his wrist.

“just follow me,” i took him to the library and shoved the manga in his hands. “read this. it’ll tell you everything you need to know. bye now!” i nudged him in the direction of the exit. 

“wait, what the fuck is this?” he seemed so different from his typical bad, angry boy personality. he seemed even more attractive with this confused look on his face. 

he read everything and reached the empty pages. “what is this?” 

“oh, well the author hasn’t written those parts yet. that’s why everything looks like this.” for the first time, he was aware that some of the furniture in the room was floating. “it’s like this because we are in the shadow, not the stage.”

“the what?” 

“basically the stage is where all of the main parts of the manga occur and the shadow is where we are now. everything we do here won’t be remembered by the other characters.” i explained nonchalantly. “so, how does it feel? to know you aren’t going to end up with ochako-chan?”

“honestly, i could care less. every time i was in the ‘shadow’ i seemed to feel as if i lost my purpose. at least i still have my quirk.”

“man, you really are different from the manga. you’re so calm right now.”

“hey! what the fuck does that mean?!”

“jeez, never mind then. come on, let’s go to class.”

“wait!” i looked back at him. 

“what?”

“don’t you want to...i don’t know, change the story? isn’t worth a try? we’re both just supporting characters. what harm can we cause?”

“you don’t think i’ve tried? i did everything i could think of to try and change the story.”

“but what if we-”

*flick*

“bakugou-kun! i’ve been looking for you!” ochako approached him.

“you idiot. jeez don’t run around with your laces untied.” bakugou bent down to tie her shoes.

jeez. could the author get any more cheesy? this makes me want to throw up.

“i told you i would get you new shoes!” midoriya cut in. “i can’t stand watching you get bullied over something as small as this!”

“i’ll take care of her deku.” bakugou glared at him.

oh my god just speed up this scene already. what am i even here for?

“i’ll just go shopping with l/n-chan! she seems to have the best style in the class! besides, i saved up enough to buy a new pair!”

“you can count on me ochako-chan!”

*flick*

“i thought that scene would never end!” i spoke aloud. i glanced at bakugou to catch him staring at me. “what?” he just glared and walked away.

weird.

bakugou and i have been spending a lot of time together. we make fun of our classmates and call them out in their faces. it’s pretty fun being able to yell at mineta all we want for being such a perv. not to mention, bakugou practically beats him up every time he’s near us. bonding with bakugou has become my favorite past time and i’m beginning to wonder what i would do if he didn’t become self-aware. however, the only bad thing about this was that i was beginning to like him. not just as a character, but as a person. i was way past the fangirl stage since i actually get to talk to him now. the worst part is that he actually likes ochako. both on the stage and in the shadow. i’ve come to this conclusion since he won’t shut up about trying to change the story line. i’m not sure what to do since there’s no one else for me to talk to about all of this.

“you need to help me. i’m so tired of being an extra.”

“what do you mean? you literally get so many lines and! you’re one of the main love interests!”

“but i don’t want to do this anymore, knowing that i won’t even get the girl! we have to change this story!”

“too bad! how do you think i felt? watching you for so long, knowing that i wasn’t fated to end up with you!” i gasped. “wait- i- forget i said that!”

“what?”

“nothing! it’s nothing! i just-” i could feel my eyes swell with tears.

is this how ochako feels when the author makes her cry every two scenes?

“even a fool could tell how i feel about you.”

i looked up into his crimson eyes. 

did he just-

“what? what do you mean?” 

“you idiot. i like you too. why do you think i’ve been bugging you to try and change the story?”

“ i thought it was because you wanted to end up with ochako-chan instead,” i took a deep breath. “why didn’t you tell me sooner!”

“i thought you could tell! you always catch me staring at you after scenes so i thought you knew!” he was smiling. he’s never smiled like this at me before. it was...nice. comforting. warm.

“let’s change this story.”

*flick*

(a/n: this is my first fanfic! i know i could use improvement, but i just wanted to write it because i felt like it :) also, if it was a little confusing, the flicks are supposed to be the sound of the pages turning. hope you enjoyed the story <3)

Favored Exerpt -DREAMS - B.1:Ch.3

Heyos again!

I don’t do this often (if at all) but after the third note et cetera in the past week  asking me what MY favorite sections or scenes were to write or even read were in my own stuff, I figured maybe I should start sharing some of them?

It’s probably the most common question I’ve been asked since I started posting Mixology.. and I thought: eh, why not? I’m already posting the occasional teaser anywho.

The one that came immediately to mind was the morning after scene in chapter three. Clint busts into my head pretty clearly with moments like that especially, and the muse didn’t disappoint me at all there. So much so that re-reading it later to edit, while it needed a few more obvious typo corrections? I didn’t change a thing otherwise, unlike some other sections where I would have to rethink the phrasing and arrangement of whole paragraphs after feeling the itch of ‘that isn’t quite right.’

In short, even in draft form; that whole section came out instantly exactly the way it should have, minus the occasional typo here and there.

I thought, while working on DREAMS as main focus at the moment? Choosing one of those that came from Book One was fitting too. So..

Enjoy! Love,

                 ~~--LK aka blind

---------------------------------------------================

                                  It was funny, how a good, solid rest could put distance on a few hours; bring them into perspective.

             -The bed’s still warm.-

  Clint had never really thought of this space as his room. No, that wasn’t true. The farm was home, but along the way the spartan curved twelve by twenty was definitely his too. Well, maybe more Eur-asian than spartan in the most literal sense. Minimalist, compared to the clutter of trying to rebuild his life with half the foundations in place that was waiting for him back in Missouri. All his influences were there. Russian, heavy Japanese blended easily with China’s influences in little things, a touch of the middle-east in the bedding and rugs he’d brought home ages ago. All it was missing was the fam; but then they hadn’t been represented in anything but reasoning work related at all until very recently. He hadn't liked the idea of leaving clues lying around, either. In the morning after, he wondered how many of those things represented had been colored by the man who’d left his bed what, maybe an hour ago?

  --I can still smell him. Who am I kidding. Eleven.. Twelve years, and that scent and the memories that are supposed to go with it have been haunting me, scratching its way under my skin day and night; pounding and seeping its way up through the cellar door no matter what I try to stop it. Slinking back and holding it fast when I try to pry it open.--

  And he was tired of fighting himself. The disagreement of faith and desire and need to get that door open. He knew better didn’t he? There would be bad things. Of course there would. People had died. He’d helped that along. That wasn’t what he was afraid of though, was it. That wasn’t what really held the door down. It was things like how those eyes lit up when he laughed. How he was starting to see the differences, and the struggle Loki was having trying to keep up his armor and not to give him too much of that, too many real smiles.. and apparently failing at it. How he didn’t reach with his hands first with anyone but Agana, but Clint was one of the few he seemed to want to touch regardless.

                  -Fresh lilacs.-

His head turned under the lay of his knuckles across his forehead in the too-white sun brightened room, sheets still half tangled below the knee and over his hips where that mischievous man had left them when he’d stole off out from between them. The evidence of where they’d ended up was scattered around and over the chabudai and zabuton: the taller vase they’d pushed the branches of the lilacs into on one side. That vest of his looked like it actually fit in this setting, removed and simply tossed over the corner closest to the bed. Now that he thought about it, the fit on him was different, but it more closely resembled a sleeveless Haori than anything else he’d seen. Maybe the sleeveless outerwear he’d seen in Tibet, but he never remembered the names for that kind of thing.

The ride had been freeing. Fun. Even a little bit of trouble when they’d been zipping across the actual roads along those woodland paths. He’d had fun, though the darker male had spooked him a bit turning his headlight off about ten minutes in. They’d paused a moment with that, and Clint had been given that smile in the dim backward lamplight from his own. “ Reminder: I’m  adopted  Asgardian; Barton. My eyes work differently. The night is an  old  ,  beloved  friend. The dark night, a  carefree and welcoming brother  . “

   He’d gotten a warming kiss then, “  Follow me, and you’ll start to remember him.  “ -------------------====== DREAMS from Chapter One:https://archiveofourown.org/works/19248328/chapters/45772732

DRAEMS from the Chapter above: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19248328/chapters/45846067

hI this is a tOTALLY ANONYMOUS PERSON ASKING. and i am asking u to answer everything on here😌

lmajfniasnf yall i forced menna to send me this ask and i was kinda kidding but also a bit serious but also kinda kidding- ok anwyas here we go 

(1) Do You Sleep With Your Closet Doors Open Or Closed? closed 

(2) Do You Have Freckles? no 

(3) Can You Whistle? yes

(4) Last Song You Listened To. “Needed Me” by Rihanna

(5) What Is Your Favourite Colour? grayish green

(6) Relationship Status. in love with loki<3! 

(7) What Is The Temperature Right Now? cold, my fingers are cold and menna knows this 

(8) Did You Wake Up Cranky? no i did not, quite the opposite actually! 

(9) How Many Followers? around 650 

(10) Zodiac Sign. taurus

(11) What Is Your Eye Colour? brown

(12) Take A Vitamin Daily? yea

(13) Do You Sing In The Shower? usually 

(14) What Books Are You Reading? no book bc i have no brain cells 

(15) Grab The Book Nearest To You, Turn To Page 64, Give Me Line 14. 

“i cannot imagine,” replied the scarecrow; “but we can go and see.” -the wonderful wizard of oz! i forgot i had that book, i got it from library for school last year but then quarantine hit and i couldn't return it bc the library closed 

(16) Favourite Anime? i barely watch anime, so i guess “Attack on Titans”, being that its one of the few animes I've watched

(17) Last Person You Cried In Front Of? my math teacher 

(18) Do You Collect Anything? only the souls of the innocent. also chapstick. 

(19) What Did You Have For Lunch? wontons that fucked my stomach up bc the meat was not cooked properly :D don't we love that?????????????!!!!!!

(20) Do You Dance In The Car? not rlly 

(21) Favourite Animal? dog 

(22) Do You Watch The Olympics? no 

(23) What Time Do You Usually Go To Bed? usually 11 or 12- depends on day

(24) Are You Wearing Makeup Right Now? no 

(25) Do You Prefer To Swim In A Pool Or The Ocean? pool 

(26) Favourite Tumblr Blog? clandestineloki

(27) Bottled Water Or Tap Water? i don't care as long as its safe

(28) What Makes You Happy? my siblings, my best friends, loki, tom hiddleston

(29) Post A Gif Of What You’re Currently Feeling Right Now.

i saw this and thought it was a good fit but then i realized it was too calm so

(30) Do You Study Better With Or Without Music? without

(31) Dogs Or Cats? DOGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

(32) If You Were A Crayon What Colour Would You Be? yellow 

(33) PlayStation Or Xbox. i don't care

(34) Would You Swim In The Lake Or Ocean? I've never swam in a lake before, so lake

(35) Do You Believe In Magic? yea

(36) What Colour Shirt Are You Wearing? gray

(37) Can You Curl Your Tongue? no 

(38) Do You Save Money Or Spend It? depends

(39) Is There Anything Pink Within 10 Feet Of You? yes 

(40) Do You Have Any Obsessions Right Now? of course, loki will always be an obsession of mine bruh 

(41) Have You Ever Caught A Butterfly? nO BC IM SCARED OF BUTTERFLIES 

(42) Are You Easily Influenced By Other People? yes:’( 

(43) Do You Have Strange Dreams? of course

(44) Do You Like Going On Airplanes? yes 

(45) Name One Movie That Made You Cry. ParaNorman

(46) Peanuts Or Sunflower Seeds? sunflower seeds

(47) If I Handed You A Concert Ticket Right Now, Who Would You Want The Performer To Be? the neighbourhood

(48) Are You A Picky Eater? kinda 

(49) Are You A Heavy Sleeper? eh 

(50) Do You Fear Thunder / Lightning? kinda 

(51) Do You Like To Read / Write? yes 

(52) Do You Like Your Music Loud? depends on mood

(53) Would You Rather Carve Pumpkins Or Wrap Presents? wrap 

(54) Put Your Music On Shuffle, What Is The First Song That Came Up? sleepy hallow ft foushee- deep end freestyle 

(55) What Season Are You In Right Now? (Weather) winter?? 

(56) What Are You Craving Right Now? l o k i (my original answer was warmth but its basically the same thing) 

(57) Post A Screenshot Of Your Tumblr Feed. 

(58) What Is Your Gender? female

(59) Coffee Or Tea? tea

(60) Do You Have Any Homework Right Now? If So, What Is It About? nope, i finished it on Friday and Saturday like a bad bitchhhhhhhhh

(61) What Is Your Sexuality? bisexual

(62) Do You Make Your Bed In The Morning? depends on day 

(63) Favourite Pokemon? squirtle i guess

(64) Favourite Social Media? insta 

(65) What’s Your Opinion On Instagram Stories? they're fine 

(66) Do You Get Homesick? kinda 

(67) Are You A Virgin? ill leave it up to ur imagination bitch (MENNA IM SO SORRY IM NOT CALLING U A BTICH IM JUST SAYING THAT IN GENERAL) 

(68) What Shampoo And Conditioner Are You Using Right Now? i forgot the name, but its white and fancy and from the same brand 

(69) If You Were Far From Home And Needed To Sleep For The Night, Would You Choose To Rent A Crappy Motel Room For $60 Or Sleep In Your Car For Free? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm that is a very good question, probably the motel 

(70) Are Both Of Your Blood Parents Still In Your Life? AHAH depends on what u mean by “still in my life”!!!!!!! i guess technically yes, but I've already cut off those bitches in my head 😌 manifesting it into existence <3 

(71)  Whats The Next Movie You Want To See In Theaters? avatar 2 

(72) Do You Miss Your Ex? i don't have one 

(73) What Is Your Favourite Quote Right Now? “not you, i didn't wanna hurt you”

(74)  What Eye Colour Do You Find Sexiest? brown bc if i say any other color, its probably a yt person and also brown be smexy

(75) Did You Like Swinging As A Child? Do You Still Get Excited When You See A Swing Set? yes, yes 

(76) What Was The Last Thing You Ate? honey buttered biscuits 

(77) What Games Do You Have On Your Phone? among us, maybe Minecraft 

(78) Would You Give A Homeless Person CPR If They Were Dying? Why Or Why Not? no bc i don't know how and i would call for someone else to help 

(79) Been On The Computer For 5 Hours Straight?probably bc I'm a hermit

(80) Stalked Someone On A Social Network? amsifnda this is ME ur talking to 

(81) Do You Like Meeting New People? yes kinda, unless they're awkward (aHEM BREAKOUT ROOMS WITH NEW BUT AWKWARD PEOPLE-) 

(82) Do You Wear Rings? If You Do, Take A Picture Of Them. i used to but not anymore 

(83) Do You Sleep With Your Bedroom Door Open Or Closed?  i want it closed but the person i share the room with leaves it open bc they say we’re gonna fuckin suffocate if we leave it closed and i hate it bc ✨trauma✨! DONT WE LOVE TRAUMA??!?!?!?!??!?!?!? :D............

(84) What Are Three Things You Did Today? i baked biscuits, i did college stuff, i showered

(85) What Do You Wear To Bed? usually mismatched pjs 

(86) List All Of Your Different Beauty Products You Have Right Now. chapstick, natural skincare serum, lotion, face masks

(87) Are You A Day Or Night Person? day 

(88) List All Of Your Video Games On Your Phone, Console Etc. don't have any

(89) Tell Me About A Dream That You Had And When It Happened.

a snake chased me and it was weird as fuck

(90) Favourite Soda Drink? don't have one 

(91) What Sounds Are Your Favourite? people laughing, violin and piano, my friends voices, my siblings voices

(92) Do You Wear Jeans Or Sweats More? SWEATS

(93) How Do You Look Right Now? comfy 

(94) Name Something That Relaxes You. showering

(95) What Tattoo Do You Want? maybe an important quote? “dont trust owls” imprinted on my face

(96) Favourite YouTuber? stephanie soooooooooooooooooooooo 

bro... you just know imma have to ask for all the questions....

I hope you’re proud of my dedication (also thank you for doing this every time lol)

london: when you visit a city, do you take in the tourist points or the more unknown places?

I like to do both, but more unknown places are fun to either discover myself or be shown by someone who loves the city.

paris: where did you last fall in love?

In a bedroom in Cambridge I think.

berlin: do you find history or geography to be more interesting?

History, I love learning about history, but I didn’t study either at school - I now do some history.

amsterdam: would you drink in a room full of strangers?

That’s just freshers week in a nutshell so yes I did.

prague: rivers or forests?

Forests with lakes, although rivers really make me think of home - in my home city my grandma lives next to a river, as does my dad, at uni I live near a river and in Vienna I commute across the river which I love.

vienna: do you enjoy classic literature?

Yes, definitely, I actually read a lot of classics as a kid but I’ve been slacking lately.

barcelona: beaches or cities?

Cities

madrid: who did you last attend a party with?

I’m assuming it would’ve been with uni friends, or many a zoom party.

budapest: if you could do anything and not have to face the consequences, what would you do?

ooh shit that’s such a good question, right now it’d probably be punch/get rid of our incompetent government.

rome: ancient rome or ancient greece?

oooh i think i’d go with ancient greece although i can speak some latin so i’d maybe fare better in rome.

copenhagen: how many languages can you speak?

5, to varying degrees, english and german are my best, russian is prob still my worst because i haven’t practised in forever.

dublin: where was the last castle you visited?

Old Sarum 

stockholm: angst or fluff?

Fluff babyyyy

lisbon: if you had the chance to become a prince/princess, would you?

Hmmm I don’t think so, although the British monarchy have so much monarchy, maybe just to do good with that money.

athens: favourite greek myth?

Off the top of my head, Eurydice and Orpheus.

milan: what matters more: fashion or comfort?

Comfortttt

munich: why did you kiss the last person you did?

I’d broken up with someone not long before and he kissed me and took me by surprise, it was very sweet.

helsinki: when did you last visit a friend’s house?

Start of October I think, we don’t have bubbles in Austria but we made one with him so he wouldn’t be on his own.

reykjavik: do people usually have trouble pronouncing your name when you first meet?

Nope, they often spell it wrong though

florence: how did you discover your favourite artist’s work?

I really like Allie Brosh’s comics and books, my sister introduced me to her.

edinburgh: would you visit a dog park without a dog?

Probably yeah

oslo: what’s more important: work or love?

Love

venice: why did you last fall in love?

He provided me support when I really really needed it and made me feel valued.

glasgow: where were you going during your latest bus journey?

To work

liverpool: do you follow any sports?

I follow league one of British football for AFC wimbledon. I follow tennis sometimes too.

cologne: why did you last visit your grandparents?

To give my mum a break from looking after grandma.

moscow: would you rather perform in a circus or an opera?

Oh hell, probably an opera.

naples: if you could visit anywhere in the world, where would you go and for how long?

Hmmm I’m gonna give a few answers - if there wasn’t the teeny problem of bigotry and safety I would love love love to go to Russia for like a month.

I also really want to go to Italy and Spain and the Scandinavian countries, so I’d like to do like a month or two of interrailing (which was my plan for March but obvs I can’t do that)

favourite

1 - season?

autumn

2 - classic film?

Men in black?? idk

3 - nostalgia-inducing possession?

my teddy bear - he’s called brownie and my sister got him for me when I was really little

4 - shade of green?

the dark bits of malachite

5 - gemstone?

amethyst

6 - hour of the night?

4-5am

7 - quote?

“The universe is seeming really huge right now. I need something to hold on to.” - We Were Liars (E. Lockhart)

8 - type of dream?

dreams about being in love

9 - happy song?

Candlelight - Relient K

10 - sad song?

Tobacco In My Sheets - Lauren Aquilina

11 - character from a book?

Ohh I really don’t know I’ll go with Andy Skampt from the Carls.

12 - creative medium?

Pen and paper for writing

13 - memory?

belly laughs around the table with my family 

14 - aspect of a person’s face?

smile or eyes

15 - decade before the 2020s?

2010s

16 - band?

Stornoway

17 - animated film/tv show?

moana

18 - constellation?

cassopeia

19 - poem?

A Thousand Mornings by Mary Oliver.

20 - album?

right now its Songs for the Drunk and Broken Hearted by Passenger

21 - ending in fictional media?

The ending to Crazy Ex Girlfriend.

22 - shade of blue?

maybe baby blue because its on the trans flag

23 - part of being alive?

love

24 - holiday?

last time I came to Vienna actually

25 - kind of candy?

flying saucers are a classic

26 - person you know?

I’m real homesick so my sister at the moment

27 - musical movie?

Rent

28 - superhero?

Spiderman

29 - book longer than 500 pages?

I think North Child is longer than 500 pages?

30 - book shorter than 300 pages?

We Were Liars

 marvel character asks

iron man: first superhero you ever liked?

spiderman

spiderman: do you believe in hometown pride?

not really 

black widow: would you rather be a secret agent for the heroes or the villains?

heroes

hulk: which approach to conflict do you prefer: analytical or physical?

analytical

thor: what’s your favourite kind of weather?

snow

captain america: how patriotic are you?

fuck not at all

black panther: what’s your favourite sci-fi movie?

the one i immediately thought of was I am Number Four.

ant-man: how tall are you?

something above 5′3″ but i genuinely don’t know

bucky barnes: do you have any hidden talents?

nope

captain marvel: on what topic do you and your parents most disagree?

how tidy my room should be kept

hawkeye: if you had to fight, what would be your weapon of choice?

something i can use at close quarters, maybe a knife

doctor strange: what’s an occurrence of everyday magic you’ve experienced?

Honestly some places and weather and animals are so magical

peter quill: is there anyone that underestimates you?

probably my flatmate

falcon: tell us your feelings on the armed forces.

oof that’s a rough one. My dad was in the army and definitely has ptsd from it. I don’t support the army at all but I do recognise that a lot of working class kids have few alternatives and are funnelled into that system.

gamora: if family and success were mutually exclusive, which would you choose?

family every time

nebula: do you believe a person can truly change?

yes

wanda: if you could have any superpower, what would you choose and why?

shapeshifting

deadpool: tell an offensive joke you feel bad for finding funny.

eh no thanks, i don’t really wanna put that energy out there rn

loki: greatest thing you’ve done on april fool’s day?

i mean probably something annoying to my sister when i was younger

venom: what non-mcu marvel character would you love to see in the mcu?

oh god i have no idea

nick fury: how do other people perceive you?

i hope as empathetic

thanos: do you believe in necessary sacrifices? give an example.

yes and no, not in terms of economy and shit, i don’t think people should ever be sacrificed for economic gain, but in terms of personal life i’ve sacrificed friendships to transition, and i’d do it again.

rocket: favourite non-domesticated animal?

tigerrrr

drax: would you rather fight with fists or knives?

fists

groot: how annoying were you five years ago?

i think i was growing out of my super annoying phase

Survey #292

“dear god, let’s make this fucking clear: dear god, there’s nothing that i fear”

What internet browser do you use? Chrome. What brand water do you drink? (Smart Water, Dasani, etc) Mom just grabs the Great Value jugs. Do you have a job? No. Are you full-time or part-time? N/A Are you watching TV right now? No. Or are you listening to music? Yeah, "Mr. Crowley" by Ozzy. Such a great song. Would you go to jail for 3 years for $1,000,000? No. I would NOT survive in jail. When's your birthday? February 5th. I cannot fucking believe I'm almost 25. Thoughts on kids? Too impressionable for me. Even with my niece and nephew, I feel like every single word I say just like... stamps into their brains, and what if I say something that negatively affects them? I feel like it's my responsibility as an aunt to be a fountain of wisdom when I'm definitely not. I just get nervous around kids. Worst punishment you've ever received by your parents? I wouldn't call it a "punishment," but when I skinned the everliving fuck out of my knees and Mom was patching me up while I was just sobbing away, my dad literally roared "SHUT UP!" from my parents' bedroom, and it's stuck with me forever. Honestly, I think it may be a root in my extreme fear of men yelling. Worst punishment from Mom, probably this time where she smacked the shit outta my arm as a kid and left a clear handprint for a while. Are you the type who is completely against abortion? Why? No, I am firmly pro-choice, despite being pro-life most of my life. I don't feel like writing a moral essay, but basically, I absolutely cannot agree with forcing a woman to carry a human they don't want for whatever reason for nine fucking months, endure one of the most traumatically painful things known to man, and then properly and adequately care for that child. That is such a huge fucking responsibility that should be forced upon *nobody*. "But adoption!" Yeah, go tell that to the thousands of children waiting on you. This is leaning on exactly what I said I wouldn't do, so moving along. Have you ever read a book that actually changed your outlook on life? "I’ve read some books that were phenomenal, but I wouldn’t necessarily go so far as to say that they 'changed my outlook on life'." <<<< This was Johnny Got His Gun for me. Does your favorite flower hold any meaning to you? No. What would you do if your favorite animal became endangered? I would fucking freak. Have you ever owned an expensive eyeshadow palette? No, but I honestly do want at least one, primarily with a deep black and then some nice grays and neutral colors. Do you own a tripod for your camera? Yes. Are your nails always painted? Quite the opposite. What's one thing you've had a toxic reaction to? A breakup. Which holiday is your favorite to decorate for? I honestly don't really decorate because I just don't have the motivation, but Halloween is the best. Were you popular in school? Nope. Are there any foods that often give you heartburn or indigestion? BANANAS, dark sodas (like Coke or Dr. Pepper), peanut butter can... It's hard for me to tell much now because I have chronic heartburn and am medicated for it. Works great, so I don't experience this much. Is there something you intend to buy in the near future? Yes. Once my tattoo is done (I'm setting the appointment the next time we leave the house, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH), what I have left is going towards Venus' new terrarium. She really needs a 40 gallon. Is anyone in your family artistically talented? What about musically? I was the art kid, and family still insist I should be an artist. What cute behaviors or characteristics does/do your pet(s) have? Omg, Roman has so many. He nuzzles me all the time, will collapse into my hand to pet him, he insists on being the little spoon at bedtime (no, really), he literally tries to groom me with his teeth, licks my face... He is just a doll. My little buddy for sure. Now onto Venus. She loves to chill next to me in bed or find a cozy place under the covers, and omgggg does she love to slither around the bed doing the periscope thing. So curious. What's the screensaver on your computer? I don't have one. What’s the sexiest thing about a guy? I am WEAK for nice shoulderblades/muscular shoulders ok. What’s the sexiest thing about a girl? I am an ass bitch and I will not hesitate to admit it ayyyyyeeeee. Who were you with at midnight on January 1, 2021? Nobody. Who was the last person to send you a message on social media? My sister Misty. She's planning to surprise Mom (her stepmom, anyway) by showing up in a few weeks with her fiance and all her kids she's never met but desperately wants to. My mom is the only "real mom" she's ever had, and she just feels so bad that she has a by now teenage daughter (among three other younger ones) that has never met her "grandmother." It's just an expensive and long trip, but Misty's finally called it enough and is just driving down here with everyone. Mom is going to fucking sob. ^ What qualities does this person have, that you appreciate? Nice timing for this, since her fiercely anti-mask bullshit is all I can focus on about her lately... but there are good things about her. She truly is a very loving, passionate woman that, just like me, feels deeply and expresses it. What was the last thing that caused you to scowl, or frown? Does grimacing count from a sudden bodily pain? Have you smiled at any point during the last hour? Yeah. I'm watching the VOD of Arin Hanson playing Kingdom Hearts 2 for charity, and he went on a total fucking laughing fit. His laugh is so precious, so I just couldn't stop grinning. What was the last thing you consulted Google for? Ensuring "grimace" was the right word for my former expression, even though I was pretty positive it was correct... I don't know if anyone's noticed, but my English skills are degrading, particularly in spelling. It's concerning me. I was an English whiz my whole life up to now. My only guess is it's related to how godawful my memory is also declining. So, did anyone send you a "Happy New Year" message when midnight hit? No. When was the last time you were on a carousel? Probably not since I was a teenager being goofy with Jason or somebody. What is the closest you have ever been to an elephant? I have a picture on my dA of a beautiful elephant walking RIGHT by its fence at the zoo. It was pretty amazing, considering just how incredibly immense their enclosure is. Have you ever played Halo? No, it's not my kinda game. Have you ever read a National Geographic magazine? Oh, I'm positive I've read sections while in waiting rooms of various places. When was the last time you had a pillow fight? I have no idea. Realistically it was probably w/ Jason since that sounds like some cute playfighting thing we'd do, but I don't remember a particular instance. Name somebody who you think deserves more respect: "Retail works. The horror stories my mom has on the daily is absolutely ridiculous. People can be so incredibly rude." <<<< I absolutely agree with this; what friends and strangers alike rant about is just depressing. Nobody, especially those working through a goddamn pandemic that's killing thousands, deserves the disrespect that comes their way. Have some goddamn decency and know half the issues you bring up to retail workers isn't even their damn fault. Ohhhh, I could rant about this. In your own words, define what the word sexy means. So you mean like, what I think is considered sexy, not just the general definition? If that's the case, uhhh. Self-confidence (but absolutely not arrogance) is very attractive to me as a bitch who lacks it entirely, as well as good manners, being outgoing, and just... charm. I don't quite know how to describe that "charm" other than I'm really drawn to people who are unique and happy with it and just seem to have an aura about them that feels good to be in. What is the most popular tourist attraction where you live? I'm going to look at this question as if you're asking about my state and not general location because 1.) there ain't shit here and 2.) I'd prefer to keep relatively where I live quiet on the Internet. Looked it up and apparently NC's biggest tourist bait is the Biltmore Estate. Never been there myself, but it'd be pretty dope. Without looking - do you know what brand your underwear is? I'm in my own home and pjs, who the fuck wears underwear with that criteria lmao. Are you any good at volleyball? NOOOOOOOOO. I went to a volleyball camp thing once when I was younger and that shit hurts the hell outta your hands. I didn't stay long. Have you ever had a water balloon fight? Why of course. Do you think some babies are ugly? Quite honestly, probably most, especially newborns. Don’t you miss Chuck E. Cheese? I do; going there was one of the most exciting possible things to me as a kiddo. Do you think Fall Out Boy is gonna be a classic band, like Queen or AC/DC? Possibly. I mean they sure are pretty successful and well-known. Do you love stuff-crusted pizza? Eh, it's not my preference, but I'll eat it. Do you apply lotion after you bathe? No, but I really should, given how dry my skin is. What’s your favorite color? Pastel pink. Who did you have your most amazing kiss with? I'd like to not think about this. Has a YouTube video of yours ever gotten over 10,000 views? Lol definitely not. I think at least one on my older channel hit 1k somehow???? It was a birthday gift I made for someone. Would you ever get a tattoo on your collar bone? lol I already have one there. At some point I'm getting it covered, though. Do you like Robert Frost poems? I do! Do you go to church every Sunday? I never do. Have you ever been in a relationship on-and-off for more than a year? No, I don't play that game. You want me or you don't, so I'm not wasting my time on your uncertainty or just our lack of stability for whatever reason. If you had to get famous for one of the following, which would you choose: music, acting, writing, modeling? Absolutely writing. What do you think of girls with huge boobs that don’t wear bras in public? ?????????????????? i don't?????????????? care???????????????? they're not my tits??????????????? What is the last thing you tried on in a store? I don't know. I avoid trying shit on like the plague. And then it ends up being too big/small. I wonder why. Is sleeping naked more comfortable than in clothes? I've only ever fallen asleep naked once, and accidentally at that, so I really don't remember how I felt about it? Consciously though, I would feel very, very vulnerable so don't have plans to when I have my own place. Have you ever had a dream in which you were making out, or more, with someone? HAHAHA Y'AAAAAALLLLLLL THIS WAS DEADASS THE ONLY LUCID DREAM I'VE EVER HAD LMAOOOOO Do you feel as though you have a good memory, or are you forgetful at times? Do you feel that your short-term memory or long-term memory is better? My short-term memory is absolutely atrocious, like to the point it seriously affects my ability to get shit done. You can give me something that needs to be done and I will forget in a heartbeat. Now, my long-term memory is astonishing. I can remember many things from my childhood in incredible detail. Have you ever had a concussion or some other sort of brain injury before? Did you need to have surgery for it? I've had a concussion or two. I can't remember which. I didn't need surgery. Do you have any sort of mental illnesses or disorders? What do they involve? Yeah: chronic depression, crippling social anxiety, generalized anxiety, avoidant personality disorder (AvPD), obsessive compulsive disorder, PTSD, bipolar II, and I think that's it. My head's a mess and a half. What’s the longest that your hair has ever been? How about the shortest? When is the last time that you got it cut? About to the small of my back; how it is now, which is pretty much shaved on the left and fades to near my chin on the right. I actually got it cut last month; we've gone to a family friend for years whose shop is just an extra building by her house and very rarely has more than two clients in it. We had masks on, of course. At what age did you start getting gray hairs, if you happen to have any? I don't have any. Somehow, given my stress level at all times, haha. What are some ways that you style your hair? Do you use any sorts of products in it? It's too short to style. I don't use any products in it but obviously shampoo. Who was the last person to truly get on your nerves? What do you think caused you to feel that way? Probably my mom. I think she was in a rotten mood for one reason or another and just being snappy and generally rude. Do you recycle? Is this through choice or do you live somewhere where it’s compulsory? We do; it's by choice, and it'd be immensely ignorant not to where we live considering it literally gets picked up with the other garbage. Do you prefer plain, carbonated, or flavored water? Do you think you drink enough water throughout the day? I've never tried carbonated water, and flavored water rarely works for me due to artificial sweeteners giving me beastly headaches. So I'll just take really cold, filtered water. Have you ever needed to call the police, ambulance, or fire department? I had to call the ambulance for my mom right before her cancer was discovered because she was literally immobile and in ungodly pain. When was the last time you visited the library? What was the purpose of your visit? At my old college, as the newspaper photographer, I took some artsy pics up there. I will probably forever worry that leaving school resulted in the biggest career opportunity slipping through my fingers through that newspaper. Do you see a lot of wild animals where you live? Are any of them dangerous? I guess about the normal amount you'd see in the country. Some dangerous animals live here, sure, that's probably everywhere, but you very rarely see any. Aside from when you were born, have you ever had to stay the night in the hospital? For suicidal thoughts and one attempt, yes. Have you ever experienced a panic attack? Ahhhh, do I know those well. Thankfully, it's been a long time since I had an all-out panic attack. Would you ever want to go into the medical profession? Was your answer different pre-COVID? Nope. Well, besides being a vet, which I haven't wanted to be since I was a kid. Where you live, are people paying attention to whatever restrictions are in place to help control COVID? Many? No. Because it's apparently a fuckin hoax or not as bad as the government wants us to think. Fucking cretins. Do you get a real or artificial Christmas tree? Artificial. Real ones aren't worth the money nor mess. What’s your favourite type/flavor of popcorn? Caramel corn. Do you drink oat milk? No, but I'm interested in at least trying it. The dairy industry is absolutely repulsive if you look into it, and I'd love to do what I can to take as little part in it as possible... even though I am a dairy fiend. I seriously wish I could go vegan, I am just WAY too picky for it. Do you love thrifting? Oh fuck yes. I've been very few times in my life, but I'mm all about it. Do you consider using only lowercase letters your aesthetic? I do find it visually appealing; I like the flow of similar letter height. I never do it for "serious" things, but on places where it's "for the aesthetic," it's likely that's how I'll write something. Do you say “mood?” Way too much lmao. Do you own fairy lights? No, though I would like them if it wouldn't look stupid in my room. Do you own glass straws because the metal ones kind of gross you out because you can’t tell if they are clean or not? ... I didn't know glass straws were a thing. I have a handful of metal ones though, but I always forget I have one in my purse when I go out... Have you made a TikTok? No. Do you own airpods? No. Are you afraid of Mercury in retrograde? I don't believe in a planet's position or whatever having any effect on people. Do you make life choices based on astrology? Definitely not, considering I don't believe in it to begin with. How many pairs of converse shoes do you own? Maybe like, five? Number of jeans in your closet: Zero. What accent do you have? Not really any, but sometimes I sound kinda southern with specific words. Do you have a big butt? Yo I got a Hank Hill ass, so no. Do you count how long you and your gf/bf have been together? In my past relationships, yes, I assigned our anniversary to memory. I don't really... know why, like it doesn't really matter how long you've been together, I just do. Have you graduated? From HS, yes. I dropped out of college three times lmao. Rihanna or Lady GaGa? Ohhh, not sure. Maybe GaGa, but both ladies have songs I love. "Disturbia" doess beat all of her songs, tho. The fuckin BEAT. Do you use fake eyelashes? Never tried 'em. Which was the last book that really captivated you? The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood. What makeup brands do you use? I'm not loyal to any, really. I would be if I could afford expensive shit, but yeah, that ain't my life.

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survey by vsmilee  Have you ever been to Disneyland? Nope. I’d like to visit a Disneyland at least once in my life just to say that I’ve gone there, but overall I think it’s too tourist-y for me and I might just find the sheer amount of people annoying.

What's your favorite color? I like pink and its different shades.

What's your boyfriend's name? I don’t have one.

How many siblings do you have? Two.

Do you sing in the shower? Eh, sometimes. But I typically don’t because I hate hearing my singing voice and the echo in the bathroom just makes it louder.

When you get dressed in the morning, what do you put on first? Well, underwear.

What do you do right before you go to sleep? I pick a video to watch and then let the background noise lull me to sleep.

How far have you gone with someone of the opposite sex? Slow dancing, lmao. I’ve never been physical with a guy.

Have you ever been drunk? Yes. Ah, college days. I did some pretty dumb shit too.

It's 2am and your phone rings. Do you answer it? Yes, as long as I know the person. If they’re calling at 2 AM there must be a reason, and it’s always better to treat everything as an emergency instead of having regrets in the end.

What would be a good reason for you to skip school? I didn’t feel like going to class. I’m not that hard to influence, ha.

Are you in a band? Nope, never been.

As a child did you ever suck your thumb or fingers? I don’t think that was ever an issue with me. If it was, my mom would have had endless stories about it but she’s never mentioned anything about me sucking my thumb, so.

Do you twirl your hair? It’s not really a quirk of mine. I brush my fingers through it a lot more often.

What make is your cell phone? Apple.

What is your dad's name? Edgardo. He hates his main nickname so I won’t share it on here, but I do know he’s made it a point to be known as Ed in his workplace.

Do you have a planner or calendar? I have neither. We do have a Google Sheets file at work where we list down the tasks we do everyday, and I guess that counts as my planner since that’s how I keep track of my deliverables.

Do you keep a journal? I’ve started keeping one, yes. But I don’t write on it everyday or even weekly. I just do so whenever I feel like it.

What's your biggest secret? The biggest one I’ve ever kept was probably my relationship with Gabie. And this blog, haha.

What is your favorite subject in school? History. All kinds of it. Language class in middle school was also fun because it literally just taught English grammar, which I had already mastered at that point.

What year do/did you graduate high school? I graduated in 2016.

What do you want to major in in college? I majored in journalism. I’m done with college as well.

What is your best friend's name? Angela, Gabie. Take your pick.

What is your favorite TV show? Breaking Bad. I recently came across the “Stay out of my territory” scene after several years of not watching it and holy fuck. I need to watch the whole damn series again. The writing is unbelievable.

What time do you usually go to bed? It ranges from 9 PM to 12 AM. Depends on how much caffeine is still left in my system at the end of the day.

What side of the bed to you sleep on? It’s a twin, it’s not like there are sides haha. But back when Gab and I would sleep in the same bed, I was always on the right side.

Where are your parents right now? My mom is either still at work or on her way home from work. I’m guessing my dad is already in the kitchen preparing dinner.

How many days old are you? According to a quick Google search, 8211 days. 

What do you want to wish for? Some goddamn normalcy. I’m also wishing for a full-time job, but I’ve been happy in my internship too so I’m not feeling too desperate for the former now.

What are you hoping to achieve this year? Well I planned to come out after graduating, but that never panned out. Otherwise, I’ve done everything I had set out to do for 2020 - graduate, graduate with honors, finish my thesis, (kinda) get employed, start earning my own money. There’s a lot to be proud of, now that I think about it.

Do you love anyone? Yes.

Does anyone love you? I hope.

What's your favorite animal? Dogs or elephants.

Have you ever been to the zoo? Yeah, once. Hated the experience. It was a family trip though so I couldn’t get out of it.

What is your favorite ride at Disneyland?

What is your favorite teacher's name? I don’t want to say full names but the name of my favorite teacher from my first school starts with an E, and the name of my favorite prof in college starts with...oof, also an E, heh.

Have you ever been in marching band? No, we don’t have that kind of club here.

What group were/are you a part of in high school? I was in yearbook, a media club, and table tennis.

Do you have any enemies? Nope.

Have you ever been a cheerleader? Nah. I like watching cheerdance competitions, but I was never one of them.

Did you ever date anyone on the football team? Nah, I wasn’t interested in them. Plus they all dated each other anyway.

What is/was your rival school in high school? Tbh all the all-girls schools in Metro Manila and other neighboring cities act like rivals, but there’s never been any official feud among us or between any two schools.

What grade in school was your favorite? I liked Grade 7 and Years III and IV.

Where do you want to go to college? I wanted to go to UP and ended up going to college – and graduating – there.

How many stars can you see in the sky right now? I can make out one very bright star, but there’s also a big tree blocking most of my view when I look out the window.

What is your favorite color? This was the second question on this survey. I answered pink.

If you could eat dinner with anyone (dead or alive) who would you choose? My grandpa so I can get him up to speed with all the things I’ve done and achieved since he passed.

Do you believe in God? No.

Do you sleep with stuffed animals? Never did.

What is your favorite book? I don’t have any.

Who is your favorite actor/actress? Kate Winslet.

What's the worst lie you've ever told? I don’t like telling lies. If I do, they’re small, forgettable ones.

Are you pretty gullible? Quite, yeah. It makes me an easy target for both family and friends, haha.

How many consecutive days have you ever missed of school? I think it was around 3-4 days, when my dad booked a trip to Bali in the middle of a school week.

What do you want right now? Well it turns out my dad had food from Shakey’s delivered so I just wanna be all over that right now...

Have you ever been pregnant? Never have.

What is your favorite kind of chocolate? Milk chocolate laced with peanut butter.

Who is most likely to read this? It’s hard to tell. Maybe a couple of people, maybe no one but me.

What are you going to do after you're done? Probably take another one orrrrrrr go on YouTube.

Are you in love with anyone? Yeah.

Yeah horikoshi gets really fucking creepy with all that stuff. If you ask me i dont even care about what the consent age is, im a 22 year old and I would find it wierd to date someone whos 18 cuz like they are just out of high school they are babies. Like i instantly mistrust anyone who ships large age gaps (cough cough endhawks) n says but they are both adults

Like if one of them is just out of high school n the other is a grown ass working adult they are not on the same level

If one of them is a college age and the other is nearing their 50s they are not on the same level

It just stinks of someone who is a full adult fishing for someone younger to date because young ppl will put up with more shit than adults and are still rather impresionable so easier to make them exactly what you want. Basiclly if a middle aged person is hitting at a young adult think carefuly why they arent going for someone their own age who would have a lot more in common with them

In my opinion ppl should really sure how much expirience and life a character has behind them then just saying well its ok they are both adults when one person literally just left highschool

Sorry about that ranty age of consent ask it just pisses me off, i remember when i was reading this book n a pair had a six year difference

Now alarm bells might be going off but its kinda worse

I dont rememver correctly cuz i supressed it but im p sure these two met when one of them was 16 n the other was 10

Fucking ten

And then as soon as the younger one hits 17 (the other one being 23 now n having a job) immidietly the younger one starts flirting with the older in all kinds of sexual ways n the older is like uhoh hiw do i say no to this

n then they start dating n the older guys ex (who was his age) was all wierded out cuz he was dating a teen but somehow they just brush it off as soulmates or something????? bRO IF U KNOW THIS IS WRONG N ULL SAY ITS WRONG IN UR TEXT WHY DO U WRITE it

Anyway i stopped reading halfway through n never picked it up again despite the book being about gay werewolves aka it couldnt be more of my jam if it tried

A friendship broke on that book too cuz i went to vent to my friend cuz i was borderlune triggered n while i was trying to vent he kept saying oh but its not pedophila cuz the other guy is 17 n some just like it younger until i was like u know i cant deal with u rn n dropped him

I hope you don’t mind me adressing all of this in one ask!

Eh... Playing devils advocate here and as someone who is also 22 but living with a bunch of 18/19 year olds (I’m the oldest I think or second oldest as I know there’s another girl who’s 22 too) I can say that their really isn’t that much different in our maturity. I have more life experience then them, sure, but at this age they’re old enough to go to university and choose the degree they’re studying, vote and drink (in the UK) so they’re not exactly immature either. I don’t think we should underestimate 18 year olds.

However, I know 18 year olds can also be dumb. There’s probably a reason fresher week exists and that’s to allow these dumb 18 year olds to have their first taste of what true freedom is like but still get to act immaturely before they have to buckle down for university.

And so I probably wouldn’t be too uncomfortable with an 18 year old dating someone who is 22 but I’d probably get more uncomfortable as that age gap rises because the difference in experience continues to increase. But still, as adults it’s up to them who they get to date, we’ve just got to trust and support them (and maybe be there for them if it does end badly).

But I’m personally really uncomfortable with romantic ships like Endhawks for more then just the age gap because as you said, with the age gap come the gap in life experience too. Also Endeavor, as Hawks hero, has a power dynamic over Hawks that I’m not necessarily comfortable with (especially with Endeavor’s past history of abuse, even if I don’t think he would be abusive towards him) too and usually it’s a power dynamic you see a lot in age gap relationships (the older person being more “mature” and so the younger should listen to them which can be a recipe for disaster if the older person turns out to be abusive).

Also... that book, I can see why it makes you uncomfortable. The 17 year old doesn’t sound mature enough to be in a relationship with anyone, really (waiting until you age so you can flirt with someone rather then actually maturing and becoming your own person... It just sets a bad image). It’s strange though, say they lost contact but met each other when the younger was 20/21 and the older was 26/27, I wouldn’t have an issue with their relationship. I guess because the younger has reached a point where they’re completely classed as an adult and have more life experience behind them which won’t be too different from their older partner.

But as you said, the book seemed to acknowledge that the 17 year old teen wasn’t mature enough for his partner and people also were against the relationship because of the age different. While it’s not technically wrong, it just doesn’t seem like a right or healthy relationship.

I’m sorry to hear it affected a friendship with someone though.

Disney Remakes: they’re not all bad.

I submit that some of the disney live action remakes are, regrettably, a bit off. But not all of them. A lot of them are really good. Here’s why.

-Lion King did really put me off with the lack of expressions. I’m not sure if I have much to say about it, lol I’ll have to see it and let you know. Honestly though I don’t think I can because I love the original Lion King so flipping much, it’s a masterful movie and part of its mastery is the beautiful hand drawn animation and its expressive characters. I can’t think I can watch a bunch of real lions just talking. Who knows? I’ll keep you posted.

-Alice in Wonderland, one of the first of them, had some really good feminist moments. I love the Hatter and Alice’s love for each other, I guess he’s like the only human in Wonderland so it makes sense. But I get some weird ideas because the denizens of Wonderland are supposed to mirror the characters in Alice’s real life, and since the only redhead in Alice’s life is Hamish, that weirdo who asks her to marry him and he’s a total jerk.... and the Hatter is a redhead too.... idk it’s weird. Also it’s weird if he represents her dad because number one he’s dead and number two it’s incest, but the Hatter does say a few things that her dad said at the beginning....hmmm... fishy. However I feel like I can rest assured because this might just be the case of “Johnny Depp came to shoot today in a homemade cosplay and nobody can stop him because he’s just a mad genius”, in which case why do they keep letting him do that??? I don’t mind the hatter’s design, but can you imagine Just Plain Old Johnny Depp In All His Sexy Glory as a mad hatter? It would have been fine. They had to give him a gap between his teeth, CGI enlarged eyes, crazy red hair, white and pink makeup... oh well, whatever, it’s fine. I like how Underland looks a bit more like Narnia than like a Tim Burton land; I honestly don’t know if they gave him complete creative control when it came to the CGI set design. It might’ve been cool to see that.

-Cinderella was wonderful, I thought. I really love how Cinderella and the Prince interacted a lot more, falling in love over a long period of time. In fact, I feel like it was a spiritual remake of Ella Enchanted(which, in my opinion, Disney really botched up because the book was just so amazing), so they did really good in my book. My brother, however, hates that at the end she just twirls in her tower and doesn’t do anything to save herself, when in the original she tried to escape. He thinks it’s really unfeminist and he doesn’t want his daughter to act like that. I agree on that mark, but I’ll let everyone watch it. Also they threw a little bit of the Beauty and the Beast original fairy tale in there when her dad, a merchant, asks what she wants and Cinderella asks for the branch that brushes his arm or whatever; similar to a single rose, when her sisters ask for riches. I also liked the handling of Lady Tremaine; it really humanized her and I felt for her. The stepsisters were silly as per the usual. The King went from a bumbling psychopath(the cartoon) to a very melancholy, concerned father, and I cried at his death scene. Bravo, Kenneth Branagh, bravo.

-I really like all of Beauty and the Beast, although I do think that they made Lumiere & friends a little bit too important in this movie. I needed more moments between Belle and the Beast that were in the animation! Evermore was breathtaking though, let’s be honest. Although let’s be honest, I REALLY REALLY wanted to see a shirtless Dan Stevens emerge from a wall of rose petals because that sounds absolutely magical and super HOT. I’m so mad they had to redo it. Also I like the subtle crush Lefou has on Gaston; I’ve always wondered if he liked him. I do wish that Josh Gad had toned it down with his fabulousness though, because although I love fabulousness I wonder if it was slightly offensive. I really liked Gaston, and I feel like he could have gone a little bigger and with more bravado, could have been from slightly comedic to VERY comedic, but I think that’s alright. He did a great job. And as for everyone complaining about the villagers being really nasty and openly evil towards Belle, I actually liked it. It’s clear in the cartoon that the villagers whisper behind Belle’s back, but I feel like she just has a small smidgeon of an idea that they think she’s weird. In this, they freaking ATTACK her. They’re like ‘We can’t have smart bicc’s in our town! Get out me town!” It is a bit on the nose sometimes but I think it works because it helps Beast and her relate to feeling like outsiders. I do think the Beast knowing how to read kind of gave them something in common as well, but I disliked how he scoffed at her favorite book, Romeo and Juliet. I wish he had been more understanding like, “There’s this poor girl whose library is like, seven books, and amongst those seven books, one of which is probably the freaking bible because they belong to a pastor, her favorite is basically a romance. She’s not well read; I’m going to show her the classics.” Which back then was probably, like, idk, Voltaire? Too soon? Eh I’m not sure when it takes place. I do wish he’d gifted the library to her though, that was a nice gift for her in the previous movie. (Here’s the thing; the Beauty and the Beast cartoon is basically a perfect movie and I don’t think anything can live up to it, but this one was good too. It wasn’t better, but nothing can be better than that movie. Except maybe the Princess Bride or the first Pirates of the Caribbean or the stage production of Phantom of the Opera. No, not even then.)

-Dumbo? I haven’t seen it yet, I’ll have to and update this.

-Okay so Aladdin is really good. I entered the film with the meme cringe in my mind, totally expecting it to look weird and bad, but honestly Will Smith was such a great actor! And I actually freaking cried so many times because number one: the genie was aladdin’s father figure that he never had! He taught him how to date! Number two: the genie got his true love as well, and you see her and their kids at the beginning of the movie! SPOILERS btw. Sorry. Also Number three: they picked Will Smith to play the genie because he’s HITCH of course! The matchmaker extraordinaire! (I just love Will Smith. I wish he would run for president; it wouldn’t be the first time we had an actor in the white house. Just kidding, I don’t want to burden him that way, and there are really smart candidates this year to choose from. I just am urging everyone to go vote, and no more harambe crap!!!!) Also Jasmine had a nice new empowering role in this movie. I just sort of wish Jafar had been more menacing and villainous. But his actor was fine, just a bit soft-spoken.

-Lady and the Tramp- I started it on Disney+, I need to finish it. I’m halfway there. 

-Christopher Robin is a gift; it’s both simple and complex. It has a lot of nice metaphors and I could feel my heart hurting for much of the film. Seriously good aesthetics as well, Director of Photography!!! 

-The Jungle Book is a really good remake! So much excitement, and I could totally see Bill Murray in Baloo. (I think it’s equal in terms of story to the movie Mowgli, although Mowgli had that nasty little surprise at the end, I’m still hurt about it.)(also in comparing, the CGI is similarly good, but Mowgli wanted to do a really ambitious face capture thingy and I’m not sure if it worked,(uncanny) but it was interesting! It was also a lot darker. I think they’re both good.) Ben Kingsley was superb, of course, as Bagheera, as always, and he has a really fatherly voice(I thought Christian Bale did well as Bagheera as well, but he was more of an action figure in that movie, less of a father/teacher figure). And John Favreau, as always, went the extra mile to bring the action, the writing, and the moral through, and made it super good for children at the same time!(the same cannot be said about Mowgli, as there were some violence/action things that go beyond ‘peril’, hence it’s PG-13 rating) My one discrepancy was the voice of Kaa. Scarlet did fine, but I always thought of Kaa as a boy. I think they could have found a slithery voice actor for Kaa. Benedict Cumberbatch did really well as Smaug, hissing and growling, and he could have done well. I also think that Tom Hiddleston could have done a great job; he has a really gentle and pliant voice that can turn menacing in the matter of seconds, and if it’s about the snake being sexy as Scarlet Johanssen(haha what??), I think that Hiddles can bring it.(I’m not quite sure what I’m talking about at this point so I’ll shut up now.) I do feel like Mowgli started shooting way before The Jungle Book was even a glimmer in John Favreau’s eye, and that kind of makes me want to root for Mowgli because I’m sure that different movie houses have people working in both, probably swapping stories with their friends, and I’m sure it wasn’t an exact copy, but I can totally see Bill Murray in Baloo’s face and that can’t be by accident. Just saying. Not calling Disney out or anything, but I’m sure they can take it, they have like a trillion dollars. Anyway. Still a good one.

-Haven’t seen Pete’s Dragon.

-101 Dalmations, I know this shouldn’t count but it just does. I loved watching this as a child. I’m so happy they didn’t make the dogs talk? Haha it usually works when they do, but it gave a lot of room for Doctor House and Mister Weasley to interact. Also Glenn Close is great. I think this movie’s a good example of a career woman who decides to get domesticated and her sista is like, “Girl, you can’t do this! We have to be strong women! You have to come back to work!” But Anita is all, “Girl, respect my decisions! Feminism isn’t forcing your girl to be exactly like you, it’s giving me the respect to make my own decisions. If I want to have a baby with my husband, that’s fine. I want to be a mom!” I feel like the “new” 101 dalmatians remake they’re gonna make, will have a different opinion. Similar to wicked and maleficent, it’s going to humanize Cruella, but I just hope that they’re nice to Anita. She’s such a smol soft bird and if she wants 2 billion dogs and one baby, that’s fine... ugh, that’s gotta be like so much dog poop in her house... anita what are you doing...

-Maleficent. Obviously I love it. I love how those arguing fairies are super incompetent at raising Aurora because they’re too busy fighting, so Maleficent has to swoop in and rescue the princess. I like how Maleficent is a fae and it’s so sad how there’s like this rape metaphor when Stefan cuts off her wings, and that would be reason to curse his baby, especially because they were in love and he betrayed her! Stole her wings! Married someone else! T^T Maleficent, you poor misunderstood fairy! I love her motherly relationship with Aurora. I love that she’s the one who kisses her forehead to wake her up because Philip met her just that day. However, I don’t like how they just shove Philip out of the way, because Sleeping Beauty is honestly so romantic, and I love how they dance together and everything. I also like the raven boi. I ship him and Maleficent so hard and I hope he doesn’t die in the sequel, I haven’t seen it yet.

-So technically the Parent Trap is a remake. It’s awesome. It gave my childhood so much romance and prank ideas. It’s much better than its predecessor, especially because the mom in the old one is, like, urged to look prettier by her butler(wtf?!?! YOu’re FIrEd?!?). I’m so glad we’ve come so far.

Anyway, those are my thoughts. Are the remakes better? In some cases they are. I think Cinderella is better than its predecessor. I think the original Alice is very good, as a nonsense movie, and I feel like the remake is equally good, but they’re different movies with different motives and plots. The original Beauty and the Beast is my favorite and it’s perfect, so the new one isn’t better, but it is really great and I love it, too. Anyway, that’s all.

Life As A Sanders

Chapter 12: Birds In Flight

((Previous))

LAAS Masterlist

Read on AO3

Warnings: None

Pairings: familial DLAMP, romantic Sleepxiety, primarily brother Analogical

Summary: It’s time for Virgil and Logan to find their own ways.

The Grand Finale. It’s Over, Y’all.

Words: 3,936

Age: 19, 23, & 13

Note: I am so sorry for the delay! The current state of the world just absolutely crushed my ability and will to write, so this is super fucking late. I hope 

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Virgil sat on his bed, staring at the walls he’d been decorating since he was ten years old and couldn’t draw nearly as well as he thought he could. He didn’t know how he was supposed to be able to sleep anywhere else. In a room where he didn’t know the location and cause of every chip in the paint, every dent in the wall, and every door that was made specifically for them, how would Virgil live?

In a room where he didn’t have his brother next door, just a knock away, how was Virgil supposed to exist?

He shoved an additional sketchbook into the ‘Staying’ pile and tried not to think about it.

Trying not to think about it. That had become an unnervingly common coping mechanism lately. He tried not to think about that, too.

He was not doing a very good job of either.

Currently, it is taking his whole concentration simply to focus enough into choosing what stays and what goes. Virgil, suddenly, had become aware that he also wanted to stay and while that could be the anxiety talking (or the insomnia, he hasn’t slept in days) it could also be that he genuinely rushed into this and didn’t really think about what he wanted, just what Logan was going to do regardless.

Did Virgil want college or was he chasing his brother? Did it matter?

This time it’s a book he threw into the ‘Staying’ pile. He glared at the expanding menagerie of his belongings and his life and then added a random paint brush to it. He didn’t know where it came from, where the rest of its set was. It was raggedy and broken and lost and should probably go in the trash, much like Virgil himself.

Well, he’s not raggedy, but he was a little broken and a lot lost and he didn’t just go in the trash, Virgil was the trash. He’s like the star of the whole damn show.

Virgil stopped that line of thinking by chucking an entire box of sharpies onto his bed and then watching in resignation as it bounced onto the floor and spilled its guts everywhere.

He crouched down on the floor and began to painstakingly recollect all the markers. His hands were shaking, annoying, and his heart was racing, rude, where was it even trying to go?, and he couldn’t seem to not think about the things he’d been trying to not think about for days. Why was his entire body turning against him like some sort of crappy hypnosis?

What if this was a mistake? What if he shouldn’t leave? What if something bad happened to Dad while he was gone? What if something bad happened to Logan if he didn’t go? Someone could die and-

Of course, it was ridiculous to think that he was the only thing standing between his family and utter ruin. Virgil knew that. But the thoughts in his head were like a vortex that had had enough of being contained. They pulled him into the spiral even though he knew it wasn’t rational, and Virgil, for the life of him, couldn’t seem to find a way to pull himself back out.

“V?” Dee asked, slipping into his room. He was holding what looked like a kite. Virgil didn’t know. He didn’t think he’d ever flown a kite. Nothing made any sense. Was he even breathing right?

“Yeah, kid?”

“Do you wanna come play? Ro said they’d come outside with us.”

“Uh,” Virgil said, and coughed.

“Are you sick? Dad won’t let you go outside if you’re sick.” Dee looked up at Virgil, worried, and stepped farther into the room. He put his hand—still so little and fragile—on Virgil’s forehead. “You don’t feel hot.”

“I’m not sick,” Virgil said. “I just feel kind of funky.”

“Oh,” Dee said. He paused. “Do you not want to come outside?”

“Maybe, uh, not-not today. Sorry.” Dee shrugged and took a small step back, still staring at Virgil. He turned to go, but hesitated.

“Is it your anxiety?” he asked quietly. Then, all in a rush, “You told me it can make you feel really bad and Dad said sometimes it helps to be around people. So that you’re not stuck.”

“I don’t know…” he started, but he felt like a huge piece of shit for turning Dee down already, and it could help, even if he was pretty sure it wouldn’t.

“You can come back inside if you want.” Dee straightened his back when Virgil didn’t respond right away. “We’re going outside. Come on.” He walked across the room and grabbed Virgil’s hand, dragging him along. The scattered box of sharpies lay on his floor, forgotten.

“Did you forcibly remove him from his room?” Ro asked, squinting at Virgil. Virgil was also squinting, trying to not cry from how bright the sun was compared to the lamps in his room.

“No,” Dee said, passing the kite to Ro. He didn’t say anything else, and Ro snorted.

“Whatever you say, little Prince,” they said and began to unwind the string of the kite.

Virgil’s hair, long as it was, flapped around his face in the wind and whipped into his eyes. He wrestled it back into a low ponytail to keep it out of the way, and then, when neither Ro nor Dee seemed to need his help immediately, he laid down in the grass and stared up at the sky, the warmth of the sun sinking into his skin. He hadn’t felt quite so comfortable in weeks.

~~~~~

Virgil woke up on the couch in the living room. Logan was sitting at the opposite end reading a book and twirling a coin over his fingers. He glanced up when Virgil shifted and blinked when he saw Virgil’s eyes were open.

“Finally awake?”

“Hhhuhg,” Virgil groaned, rolling to press his face into the pillow and not have to face the world.

“It’s two a.m.,” Logan informed him. “You slept from one o’clock this afternoon until now, and Remy texted you so much I had to put your phone on silent and text them to stop because you were sleeping. Dad made pasta for dinner but didn’t want to wake you up because none of us knew the last time you actually slept. There is a bowl in the microwave for you. Oh, and Dee said you were ‘anxiety-ing’ and needed to be around people.”

“Hhhuhg,” Virgil repeated. “Eh fiihhhn.”

“I am afraid I do not speak Neanderthal,” Logan said. “You will have to translate for me.”

“I am tired,” Virgil enunciated slowly, lifting his head off the pillow, “I am fine, I want sleep.”

“Well, seeing as that’s unlikely, why don’t we talk instead. Here, allow me to get you some food.” Logan placed the coin in his book and set it carefully on the couch cushion and then walked into the kitchen. The sound of the microwave working met Virgil’s ears, and then Logan returned with a bowl and a fork. “Eat,” he said. Virgil took the bowl and sat up.

“You have to put the food in your mouth to eat it,” Logan said, picking his book back up. But instead of opening it, he put it on the table and pulled his legs onto the couch and faced Virgil.

“What?” Virgil muttered, eyes drooping shut. Logan cleared his throat and Virgil sighed, forcing  himself to look up.

“You are experiencing anxiety heightened from its usual state?” he asked. Virgil shrugged. “Virgil, please answer the question. It is important to me and also the rest of our family that we know when you are not doing well and can do everything possible to help you.”

“Yeah, there’s more anxiety,” Virgil admitted. “But it’s nothing I can’t handle. I’m fine.”

It was a half-truth, and they both knew it. Virgil didn’t know what he was doing, but he definitely wasn’t handling it. He was only struggling. But he didn’t know what to do about that.

“Do you know what’s causing it?” Logan asked.

Virgil knew if he outright lied to Logan, he’d know immediately. He also knew that he couldn’t bring up the real cause of his anxiety because Logan might feel responsible or tell Dad or change his plans on account of Virgil being an over-thinking and under-thinking dumbass at the same time.

“How are you and Nate doing?” he asked, deciding that totally changing the subject was the only logical course of action.

“We’re doing very good. You’re avoiding my question.”

“Maybe I just don’t want to think about it, Logan,” Virgil snapped. “Did you ever think of that?”

“Mhm,” Logan said. “Because not thinking about something has never backfired and made a situation worse before.”

“You can be a real asshole, you know that?” Virgil said. He glared at Logan, but very quickly lost the energy to stay mad and rested his elbows on his knees, bowing his head. His hair, slowly escaping from it’s prison, tickled his face and neck.

“Sometimes brutal honesty is a necessary evil. You know that as well as I do. You should not let whatever is bothering you fester like an infection that went untreated. Tell me what is wrong so that we can work on fixing it.”

“I-” Virgil started, angry, and then he hesitated. “I don’t-I don’t know.”

“You do not know what is causing you distress?” Logan asked, gentler now.

“No,” Virgil breathed. Because he knew very well where the problem lay.

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know what I-what I, what I, uh, want. I don’t know what I as me wants to do. Not I as us, not I as our family. I as me, just as me. I don’t know, L. I don’t know what to do.” There were tears in Virgil’s eyes and he was so tired he couldn’t even be bothered to care that he was about to start crying.

“V,” Logan said softly, and he put a hand on Virgil’s shoulder blade. “That’s okay. You don’t have to know.”

“Yeah, but-but we’re going to leave for, for the, uh-”

“College.”

“-that in a week. College is starting, and we paid to get in and we’re both going, but what if something bad happens to them,” Virgil jerked his head toward the bedrooms, “while we’re gone? What if I don’t go and something happens to you? What if-what if I do go and end up thousands of dollars in debt and hate every second of it and regret the next four years of my life? What then, Logan? What do I do then? I don’t know what to do. I don’t like school, but this made sense but now I don’t-I don’t-”

“Take a deep breath,” Logan instructed, demonstrating himself. He led Virgil through all his breathing exercises and naming things he could see, hear, feel, smell, and taste. By the end, though still shaking, Virgil felt marginally better.

“Sorry,” he said.

“There is nothing to be sorry for,” Logan said immediately. “This is big and it is important to think through everything before you make a decision.” He leaned back on the couch, observing Virgil from a slight distance. “You do not have to go to college.”

“But-”

“No ifs, ands, or buts about it,” he said. “You do not have to go to college. If you do not want to, you do not have to. Even if you are only unsure about if you want to, you do not have to. You can, if you like, go for a week and if you end up hating it, leave. There is nothing binding you to it, Virgil. And if, in a few years, or maybe in ten or twenty, you decide you want to try college, you can. This is not an irreversible decision.” He came closer again, leaning his side into Virgil’s. “You do not need to be worried about me. I will be fine. You do not need to worry about Dad, either. He has fended for himself for decades before we butted in with our two cents. Ro has been mostly taking care of themself for years and is about to get an apartment of their own. Dee still has Dad looking out for him. Everyone is taken care of, Virgil. You do not need to worry about if they will be okay if you leave, or if they will approve of your decision. They love you. They will keep loving you. You need to make this decision for yourself. Not for us.”

“I don’t know how to do that,” Virgil said, voice small. “I don’t know if I can exist without you, or my-my shitty art on the walls, and Dee bursting into my room whenever he wants, and Ro being so fucking obnoxious all the time with their singing, and Dad trying to sell us on syrup being a drink. I don’t know how to, how to-stop being part of, of-” Virgil waved a hand, aggravated.

“A family?” Logan suggested.

“Yeah,” Virgil said, “that.”

“So you want to go off by yourself?” he asked.

“What?! No, when did I-?” But Virgil stopped himself because somehow, now that he was thinking about it, he realized it was true. He wanted to go out and see things. He wanted to travel. He wanted to know what the world was. And he wanted to know for himself.

“The good news is,” Logan said, “you don’t have to learn to not be part of a family. You will never stop being part of this family, no matter what you do. You will never have to learn to function without us entirely. We are all a phone call away at most.” He smiled at Virgil. “The other good news is, there is no reason you cannot go off as just you, by yourself, and see what the world has to offer. There is nothing stopping you.”

“Money,” Virgil said.

“You have been saving all your holiday and birthday money for years. And Dad said that if any of us decided not to go to college, he’d give us half of our college fund and put the rest toward a vacation.”

“Transportation.”

“Ro just got a new car because they didn’t like the one they had. I am sure they would not mind allowing you to have it.”

“I don’t know how anything in the world works.”

“Then go out and learn it,” Logan said, like it was really just that easy. “Most people, I have found, do not know what they are doing, Virgil. Dad doesn’t. Ro certainly doesn’t. None of our friends do, and you saw how often our teachers would make up lesson plans as they were teaching. I think a part of being human is not knowing what is going on.”

“What about you?”

“I have a short term plan.” Logan shrugged. “I want to be a chemical engineer, so I will go to college for my degree. But I will have to figure out where my classes are, what kinds of teachers I have, what to do with myself when I am bored without my siblings around to annoy me, how to live with a roommate I have never met before, how to remember to do my laundry and take showers without constantly being reminded, how to keep in contact with Nate without getting to see him in person for weeks at a time. It is a learning curve. You are not the only one learning.”

“What if Remy and I can’t do that whole long distance thing?” he said, but it was a weak rebuttal. Virgil was searching for excuses, and Logan knew it. Even if the thought of leaving Remy behind hurt more than he would like to admit. Unlike the rest of his family, Virgil couldn’t just hope Remy would wait for him to come back.

“You will figure it out.” Logan paused. “Remy is not going to college, either. It is entirely possible they may desire to join you.”

“That’s insane,” Virgil said. “Who would just up and do something like that?”

“You would,” Logan said. “And you will not know for sure what they will say unless you ask them.”

“Huh,” Virgil said. He hesitated. “Are you sure? That this won’t come back to bite me in the ass?”

“I have no idea,” Logan said. “You may regret it. But this is what you want to do now, and if ever you change your mind, you can come back home. You can try something else. You have an entire life ahead of you to try things. I would not worry too much about it.”

“Why do you know so much?” Virgil groused, but it wasn’t a real complaint. He felt relieved and relaxed and kind of stupid now that everything had been so clearly laid out for him.

“You’re just jealous,” Logan said, and he grinned brightly at Virgil before yawning.

“Alright, you need to go to bed. When’s the last time you stayed up until three in the morning?” Virgil asked, grabbing Logan’s elbow to pull them both up.

“Didn’t want you to be out here by yourself,” Logan mumbled. He rubbed his eyes and almost knocked his glasses onto the floor.

“The speed you fall asleep is amazing,” Vigil said, more to himself than to Logan, as he guided him up the stairs and into his own room. Logan was completely out before his head hit the pillow.

~~~~~

One Week Later

Virgil threw his last bag into the trunk and slammed it shut. Remy leaned against the side of the car, watching the sky. They turned to Virgil and grinned.

“Excited?”

“Something like that,” Virgil said, leaning in and kissing Remy quickly. “Just gotta say goodbye.”

“Parting is such sweet sorrow,” they said. “But I’ll let you handle that on your own.” They slid into the passenger seat and pulled out their phone. Virgil took a deep breath and walked up the driveway.

“Are you sure you have all of your things?” Logan asked, hands fluttering through the air like nervous hummingbirds. Virgil nodded.

“Do you?”

“Yes, though I fear that Dee or Dad may start hiding them in the house to prevent me from leaving.”

“They’re driving you down,” Virgil said. “I think you should probably be more worried about them bringing some of it back here so that you have to come back to get it.”

“Oh god, don’t say that. You’ll speak it into existence.” Logan groaned, collapsing against Virgil. He snorted and shoved Logan away, heading into the house. Logan followed him.

They found Dad, Roman, and Dee in the kitchen, making something. Virgil and Logan had not been allowed in the kitchen for the last few days. It made Virgil nostalgic and they hadn’t even left yet.

They’d been preparing for this for a week. After Virgil’s late night realization about what he wanted to do, he had told everyone else. Plans had changed, and nobody was mad, and now Logan and Virgil would be leaving the house at the same time but with different destinations.

Logan was bound for a college in the next state over whereas Virgil and Remy were going to begin their cross-country roadtrip heading West, toward California. They had money and food and not a clue what they were doing.

Virgil had almost never been so excited in his life.

Dad squealed when he saw them and rushed over, grabbing them up in a giant hug. He’d been giving even more hugs lately, as though they were going to leave forever. Virgil couldn’t particularly bring himself to care.

“My boys!” he cried. “Leaving! We better hurry and get everything packed up!” They quickly gathered up all of the food they had baked and then, with what looked like enough pastries to feed an army, the three marched out the door. Virgil shared an exasperated look with Logan as they followed.

Virgil and Logan watched as their Dad and brothers split all the food in half between the two cars and carefully stacked it in the backseats.

“They act like we’re never coming back,” Virgil said.

“We are the first to leave home.” Logan shrugged. “And Dad has more love than he knows what to do with. They’ll miss us.”

“I think they can handle it,” Virgil said.

Dad was teary-eyed and sniffling when he came back over to them.

“Everything’s all packed up,” he said. “So I guess we’re ready to go our separate ways. I’m quite fondue you two, so you better make time to visit, alright?” Virgil laughed and they both nodded.

“I’ll come back so often you’ll get tired of seeing me,” Virgil promised. “And we’ll facetime.”

“You better. And no getting into truffle while you’re off adventuring.” He hugged Virgil so tightly he couldn’t breathe and after a long, long time, pulled back. “Be safe, kiddo.”

“I will,” Virgil said. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Virge.”

Dad moved back to let Ro and Dee tackle him in a hug. Virgil laughed, squeezing them both.

“You have to get me rocks from everywhere you go,” Dee told him.

“And Dad and I want pictures of everything,” Roman said.

“Can do.” Roman reached over and ruffled his hair. Virgil swatted his hand away, glaring.

“Calm down, Panic! at the Disco. I won’t get to do it again for forever, I gotta make up for it now.”

“Whatever,” he grumbled. “Love you guys.” They echoed the sentiment and, if Virgil didn’t know better, he’d say there were tears in Ro’s eyes.

“Well, we better get going. Don’t want to be late or anything.” Roman rolled his eyes and walked back to the car. Virgil looked at Logan.

“This is totally weird,” they said together. They both smiled.

“If you need anything, call me. I’ll be there in a day, tops,” Virgil said.

“Likewise. And should you happen to find yourself bored and in want of company, my dorm is always open.”

“Love you, L.”

“Love you, V.”

Virgil hugged Logan, long and hard. There were tears in Logan’s eyes when they pulled away.

“Keep that up and you’ll be just as bad as Dad,” Virgil teased. Logan snorted and swiped a hand over his eyes.

“No driving while you’re sleep deprived.”

“No promises,” Virgil said. Logan shook his head. “Oh, and I need you to do something for me.” Virgil dug a cadbury egg out of his pocket and handed it to Logan. “When it’s time for Dad to head back home, give this to him and tell him that he can’t cadbury his head in the sand, we’re coming back.”

“You are hopeless.”

“Nah, I’m a genius.”

“Perhaps you are. You better have some interesting facts to tell me when you come back.”

“Obviously,” Virgil said. And then he went to his car and got in. He watched in the mirror until Dad’s car was out of sight and then turned his key in the ignition.

“Ready?” he asked.

“Babes, do you even have to ask?” Remy said, pulling down their sunglasses. “I’ve always wanted to go on an adventure.”

“Adventure,” Virgil said. “I like that. We’re adventurers, braving the West.”

“Let’s do this. I have all the sunglasses I need and your Dad loaded us up with enough food to last us a year. We’re set.”

“Let’s do it,” Virgil muttered, and when he pulled out of the driveway, he had no idea where they were going. But he was excited to see what they would encounter along the way.

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Taglist: @supersoftsupersleep @trashcanego

My 2 Cents on Translating

I was skimming through my computer and found this blog post that I never posted. I think I was hesitant because I saw varying opinions on the subject in the fandom, but idk, these are just my thoughts from my experience as a fan translator for the vocaloid/utaite fandom and what I have learned. I'm not sure if any of my thoughts are unpopular opinions or not, but I'm also not sure how much discussion there has been concerning fan translators. Also, this is really long, so if you want to skim or ignore it be my guest lol.

I guess the first thing I'll talk about is how I think writing a translation is just as much of an artform as writing original lyrics are. I know that translations aren't from scratch like an original story is, but with Japanese especially, there's sooooooo much leniency in how things can be translated into English. Here's an example of how different translations can be. This is a quote from Natsume Soseki's "Kokoro" and three published translations of it:

私は冷やかな頭で新しい事を口にするよりも、熱した舌で平凡な説を述べる方が生きていると信じています。血の力で体が動くからです。言葉が空気に波動を伝えるばかりでなく、もっと強い物にもっと強く働き掛ける事ができるからです。

"I believe that a common reply, stated with passion on one's tongue, is more impactful than novel words from a cool head. The flow of blood powers the body. Words are more than waves disturbing the air, they induce great action in greater things." - From the Soseki Project site

"I believe that commonplace ideas passionately expressed are more effective in real life than the original inventions of a detached intellect. Because it is the heat of the blood that impresses us, for in addition to the words which reverberate in the air, the emotion by its intensity pierces to the soul." - Ineko Kondo

"I believe that words uttered in passion contain a greater living truth than do those words which express thoughts rationally conceived. It is blood that moves the body. Words are not meant to stir the air only; they are capable of moving greater things." - Edwin McClellan

Anyways, you get the idea lol. As you can see from these translations, the grammar structures are completely different; sometimes words are added, sometimes words are left out, and sometimes there are grammar patterns used in Japanese that just don't work in English. All these decisions are up to the translator. I've read some translations of things where whole relevant plot details were cut out just because the translator got annoyed (I'm looking at your translation of the Tale of Genji, Seidensticker).

I should probably talk about how I translate stuff. When I first started translating, I thought my lyrics were more liberal, but as I poked around and looked at other translators, I found that mine stuck more closely to the original format of the song (such as, I would keep the same phrases on the same line in the stanza, use the same format for punctuation, etc.). Song translation is different from manga or books because sentences can be broken up over a whole stanza, so translators can play a lot with how they want to arrange phrases for lyrics. I kept mine very close to the original song because I liked being able to easily identify the Japanese line with the English. I'm not sure if that's a translating "sin" but eh, that's how I liked translating my stuff. Maybe in the future I'll try something different

However, just because I saw many different translations for songs, I wouldn't go out of my way to say that any of them were wrong or bad, per say. Translating songs is a huge pain because there's no punctuation which makes it hard to keep track of everything. I've had times where I've been able to translate a 10 page story faster than I could translate a single song, just because having context and punctuation makes everything sooooo much easier. However, even if a translation is wrong, I don't think that makes it meaningless. I'm personally of the opinion that having some sort of translation is better than nothing, but that's something you need to decide for yourself. When I was first learning Japanese and couldn't fully understand the songs I listened to, if there was even just one line that I understood, I would embrace it and really love whatever meaning I grasped from it. Even if a song is translated correctly, there are lines that will impact people differently, and even an awkward or incorrect translation can resonate with the reader. Similarly, there are many times when I translate that I look at a line and think "aaahhhhh I want to change the meaning a bit because I can make it sound cooler and give it more impact than a direct translation would".

The next thing I noticed is that I kind of feel like people value native Japanese speakers (who have English as their second language, non-native English speaker) over native English speakers more (Japanese second language, non-native Japanese speaker)? Tbh, that feels like a double standard to me. Like idk, I'm fine translating Japanese into English, but I don't think I would be able to translate English into Japanese. In fact, most professional translating jobs have you translate into your native language, so I thought it was strange when I noticed that it seemed like native Japanese speakers had more favored translations. Or another one I noticed is that if someone knew more languages, their translation would also be considered better because of the assumption that taking multiple language courses is the same as being gifted with languages. Anyways, my point is that both English native speakers and Japanese native speakers both put a lot of time into learning their languages so I don't think one side should be valued less than the other. Both have their strengths and weaknesses. Native English speakers may have a harder time understanding the initial Japanese, but shape it into English better, while native Japanese speakers understand the Japanese, but have a harder time putting it into English how a native speaker would understand.

No matter what the translator's native language is though, I've learned that having skills in a foreign language isn't the only requirement to be a good translator; you also need to have proper understanding of grammar and a large vocabulary in your native language. Also, proper reading of the translation requires the same amount of understanding for English grammar and vocabulary. I realized this after I took a lot of comparative literature classes and realized how much of a potato I am lol. I think it makes sense though, as a lot of the lyrics from utaite and vocaloid songs are usually extremely well thought out poetry. Multiple songwriters I've translated for have mentioned that as they tried to write better lyrics, they eventually had to immerse themselves in studying literature and their native language much more than the average person would. I often think that since literature and translating doesn't abide by scientific law that the humanities are actually more difficult to grasp than STEM subjects (and trust me, I've studied far on both sides of the spectrum).

The last thing I'll touch on is that… just appreciate your fan translators and don't give them a hard time please. Like nobody gets paid to do this stuff and usually they do it because they really like something, so just let people learn and try their best. Yes, they won't be perfect translations, but once again, fan translators aren't paid. They're translating out of the goodness of their heart. After all, translators don't need to translate a song to understand it, so in the end they don't really lose anything if they stop translating. As international fans, I feel like there are three options that we have to choose from eventually: 1. Rely on fan translations, even with their mistakes 2. Don't use translations and just enjoy the music or 3. Learn Japanese. I think all options are great, but they are personal decisions and shouldn't be used to knock other people down and make them feel bad. If there's a mistake in a translation, it is not intentional and the translator literally has no idea unless someone tells them (as translations are a combined reflection of both Japanese AND English ability). All I know is that Vocaloid was popularized from amateur musicians just doing what they wanted for fun, and so I think a really cool thing that the international fandom has that Japan doesn't is that we have awesome fan translators that are also amateurs and are doing translations for fun.