#poem: breath; by e.h. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lexienootfound · 2 years

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i bet you think about me - jegulus

𝐪𝐮𝐢𝐜𝐤 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞: based off i bet you think about me music video by taylor swift.

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠: mention of self harm at the end if you squint.

𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐥𝐚𝐢𝐦𝐞𝐫: the three featured poems are not written by me. first poem: vulnerability by a.j. on pinterest second poem: vows by s.c. on pinterest third poem: the boy i love left me for a revolution by e.h. on pinterest

JAMES IS DIZZY, his hands clammy and the collar of the suit he's wearing seems to suffocate him no matter how many times he pulls at it.

Everyone around him seems to be unaware of the rock in his stomach, sinking and sinking till he fears he can no longer hold it. Perhaps he's a better liar than he thought because not a single person questioned his fake smiles and his rigid, tense stature.

He's getting married to the most beautiful woman he's ever met. He should be the happiest man in the room so does it feel like he's marching to his death with his hands tied behind his back? Why did he want to run and never look back? Why does he want to curl into a ball and cry?

In a few minutes time, he will be making vows and in doing so, breaking the ones he's made before. Ones whispered in a blanket of darkness with heavy breaths of desperation.

"It's almost time. Are you ready?" His best friend says and James made the mistake of meeting his eyes. They're grey, stormy like the sky before a hurricane, wanderlust and bright. They're his eyes, except that there's a certain kind of vulnerability in his; lost, confused, terrified. James had spent nights after nights trying to erase it all away.

In his dark childhood room, James Potter had worshipped Regulus Black. He had made a cathedral out of his body and for a foolish, naive moment, James had believed his mouth was the antidote that would cure the broken boy he had foolishly fell for.

But like everything beautiful and rebellious, like fallen angels who had turned their backs on God, they had fallen and crashed and burned, the wreck they left before them setting their hearts aflame. Two boys who knew war and heartache so well should have known better than to play with flames.

He tears his gaze away from Sirius' eyes, forcing a smile to reach his lips. "I am."

It was a never ending cycle. Everyday, James would attempt to forget, to numb his burnt heart and silence his aching soul. He would go about his day, his friends by his side, his girlfriend holding his hand and he would try to forget how he wished it's someone else's hand he's holding, he wishes it was pale and long and slender. Hands that had touched him in places no one else has, hands that traced his skin and memorized every dip and bump.

And sometimes, he succeeds. Sometimes, he doesn't look at the other end of the room where he stands. Sometimes, James numbs himself just enough that the physical ache of not being able to hold him disappears for few glorious hours that he doesn't feel like a traitor when Lily touches him.

Then the night falls and he's laying on his bed and wave crashes in like a fucking tornado determined to destroy everything in its path. His skin feels dirty, not his own and he feels empty, void and dull of everything that made him the James Potter everyone knows. He had read somewhere that the body regenerates every seven years and he lays there fearing the day where his skin was never touched by his lover.

THE FIRST TIME they touched, they had both been so cautious, like children trying something new and big and scary for the first time. Their eyes are curious and full of wonder despite the fear. They knew what they were doing was dangerous. They knew the consequences of being caught and yet they continued like eager schoolboys. They held each other that night. They kissed, hands under each other's shirts, but nothing more.

They basked in each other's presence and god, Regulus was cold. His skin felt like snow against his own, but his words more so.

"You're going to break my heart," he had whispered against James' neck, voice low and thick. "And I'm going to let you. Isn't that terrifying?"

James couldn't even deny it. They would break each other's hearts. When morning comes, they could not be. It's like some sick sort of fairytale. They are stealing borrowed time and one day, they will pay the price.

"And I will break my own along the way."

James woke up the next morning alone and he would have thought it were all but a dream if it weren't for Regulus' scent clinging to his pillow, if it weren't for the dirt of his shoes against his carpeted floor. In the space where his lover should be is a note, written in a perfect penmanship that flowed through the paper.

I am afraid of you. In loving me, you hold a knife to my throat. In loving you, I tell you exactly where to cut. We are two against the world, yet I still do not trust your hand in mine. This is new, and I am terrified.

THE CROWD STOOD as James walked down the altar. He can see his mother crying, his father holding her tightly. He can see his friends, his people, ones he grew up with. They looked at him with smiles on their faces as if they knew he's doing the right thing. How can they know when he doesn't?

And then his eyes caught his. He stood by the corner, dark hair falling to his face. He watched with such anguish that almost made James stop in his tracks. Lily had invited him, thinking the summer they spent together warranted them friends. If only she knew.

James never thought he would come. He hoped he had more self preservation than that, but he really should have known better. Regulus is a masochist, believing himself worthy of the pain and suffering he receives and so he welcomes them all with open arms, always silent as the tears fall.

Regulus' hand clenched, as if they would reach for him any moment and James wonders what he'd do if he does. He knew what he'd do. He'd take them. He'd turn his back on his family, his friends, his fiance. He'd reach for him, he'd crawl to him. Regulus could take him apart, break him and destroy his life and James would plead on his knees.

But Regulus did not reach for him. Instead, he buries his hands in his pockets and lets his head falls, tearing their eye contact and suddenly the orchestra felt like a death march and everyone's eyes on him was heavy to carry and he wondered if his legs will give up on him and he'd crash but he reaches the front of the altar too soon and before he knew it, Sirius is patting him on the should as a new song is being played.

But his eyes turn back to his lover and he pleads, he pleads as silently as he could. Take me away. Please. Fight for us. Please. Don't let them do this to us. Please. I love you. I love you. I love you. And I think I'll spend the rest of my life loving you.

But Regulus just looks. His lips shut and his eyes glassy. He watches and James wishes he'd stop. If they could not leave together, then he hoped Regulus would leave now. He hoped the man he loves would turn back and not let himself witness the breaking of his own heart. If he could not save him then he hoped Regulus would save himself.

THE FIRST NIGHT they made love, James could have swore he had just signed his own death certificate. Gods be damned, heaven be damned. He would burn a thousand times over for this. If he was made for hell then let it be hell. He will accept damnation for this.

He never knew stars had flavor till Regulus kissed him. It turns out, they taste like ambition and ancient fire, desperation and self destruction, determination and dark matter, and the mind numbing fear of losing it all. He had never tasted passion like this, love like this.

Pain like this.

It started as a gentle summer breeze, a brush of fingertips against bare skin, a slight shiver in their absence. Then it strengthens, shaking the trees and James pushes his lips against Regulus' with fast matching heartbeats to guide them in the dark.

Then the weak trunk begins to bend and they do too. No longer in control, James' hands find his torso and Regulus' finds his hair. The flowers uproot as they desperately try to get closer, but never close enough.

Eventually, the weather calms. Foreheads against each other as James softly brushes Regulus' hair out of his face. The younger boy buries his head against the older's shoulder as they embrace.

"After I spent what felt like eternity drowning," Regulus whispers, voice breathy. "You taught me how to breathe."

Because they knew. They knew that if they played too much with the unstable flame, it could burn out.

But it's so hard to stay away.

I will love you as Patroclus loved Achilles. With blood under my fingernails and venom on my lips. I will hold you as if you are the world. Not even death could do us part.

LILY LOOKED ETHEREAL as she walked down the aisle, the train of her white gown following behind her like liquid clouds, and he wished his heart would beat out of his chest and his soul would roar as the most beautiful woman walked towards him, fully ready to spend the rest of their lives together.

But he wishes for a lot of things. Every step Lily took felt like another burden added to his shoulders.

After the summer, after Regulus' last note, James had spent weeks trying to chase that feeling. He drank and did cigarettes and drugs. He flew on his broom as fast as he could, drove a car way past the speed limit. He kissed Lily, kissed her skin and touched her as he would touch Regulus. He tried everything, desperate to make his heart beat the way it did during the summer they spent together.

None of it worked. He wonders how anyone can explain the physical pain in his chest when all he wants is to be with the one he loves. What would be a bigger tragedy? That he can't have Regulus? Or that one hundred years from now, no one would know how desperate he had been to be able to keep him?

Would his children find out? Would he tell them about the broken boy who captivated his soul and shattered his heart? Would he explain to them how he had been willing to fight, willing to turn his back on everyone?

"If love is war, I am your soldier." He had said it to Regulus before. He had said it as a joke, trying to hide the desperate truth behind broken humor, but they knew. They both knew he had meant it. He would have fought. He would have fought every god that stood in their way. He would have gone through heaven and hell, to the moon and saturn. He would have fucking set stars aflame for them. He would have fought even if Regulus refused to lift a finger.

But he had fallen for a man who wore blood so gently. One whose purpose was to give light in the dark, to shatter when needed. They say the biggest stars burn brightly and die quickly. James was the sun, but Regulus was a supernova, the biggest explosion anyone had ever seen.

James' eyes don't leave Regulus as Lily comes closer. If only for the last time, if only for the hopelessness of it all, he pleads again. Say the word and I will crawl to you. Say the word. Say the word. Say the word.

But Regulus remains quiet.

THE DAY THEY said goodbye, James finally figured out the exact shade of Regulus' eyes. It's the calm sea shot from miles away like the ones in postcards someone sends you when they love you but not enough to stay.

Regulus loved him. James knew this. He knew it as he knew the sun would rise everyday. But he also knew from the start that it was not enough.

Regulus stood before him, the farthest they had been since the summer started. He looked the same. Same grey eyes, same black hair, same lanky frame. But a different mark brands his skin, not like the ones they give each other during the night. This one came with the terrifying truth. They cannot hide under their covers anymore. There's no running from reality.

"You must have known it would end sooner or later." His voice is thick with emotions, strangled as if he genuinely believed that he deserves the branding on his skin.

James remembers the first night. Regulus had claimed James would break his heart and James had fully accepted the role, believing himself to be the catalyst of their relationship. But it had been Regulus. He had been the first to give up.

"I would have fought," he says, his hands shaking as he stopped them from reaching for his lover. "I would have fought for you."

Regulus smiled sadly. "I know."

"Then let me."

"We were destined to end from the start, my love." Regulus shook his head, as if he couldn't quite believe what James was asking.

James' tears fell now. "I thought we had more time."

"Me too."

James finally took a step toward him, hating the way his touch seemed to burn Regulus, but nevertheless, he didn't pull back. He let their foreheads rest against each other. "I will spend the rest of my life loving you."

Regulus smiled. "And you will be the last thing on my mind as I take my final breath."

i think you will set yourself afire before you realize that even you cannot conquer the sun.

rebellion sits well on you; like a red coat Or the gilt gold burnish of youth.

i do not believe we shall ever see how old age looks on you.

you are breaking my heart.

A MONTH AFTER the wedding, James received a letter. Lily is just getting started on breakfast, their friends meant to arrive in a few hours time.

But the penmanship on the package makes him stop dead in his tracks. He didn't rip the paper as he does the other letters. He opens it carefully, taking his time. If this is the last he'd have of Regulus then he will take it to his grave.

Inside is a lone letter and he slowly unfolds it, terrified it would rip and he'd have nothing but memories of the summer they spent together.

I was so undeserving. And yet, you were so relentless. I pushed ─ you pulled. I wept ─ you embraced. I bled ─ you repaired. I faltered ─ you shushed. I stopped ─ you smiled. I was a disaster ─ the worst of its kind. And yet, you still had the audacity to let me know that I was beautiful.

This is it. I say goodbye to you now, my love. And like I promised, you are the last thing on my mind as I embrace death. I'm sorry you came into my life at a bad time when I truly hated who I was and what I had become. I was broken, damaged, and fading. You fought to save me but there's no more saving that can be done.

I love you. I hope you live a happy life. I truly hope so, even if it's not with me. And I know once upon a time, you loved me too even if you no longer do and that's enough.

I promise you, you will be my last breath. As I die, it will be you in my mind.

Love, RAB

James laughed at first, taking it all as a stupid joke, because surely, it can't be real. He can't be gone. James had spent months loving him, missing him, wanting him. He had gotten used to the ache knowing that he's out there somewhere.

But this was a different type of pain. First, he felt his lungs gasping for air, hot tears streaming down his cheeks in streams. His chest feels tight like it was physically restricting him, like his body was giving up, He couldn't breathe. It felt as if someone had ripped out a piece of his heart, cut off the oxygen and made him live.

An uncontrollable scream broke out of him, one that reached the heavens. It rings with a question. Why? Directed to god even though James no longer believed in him. If there was a god, then how could he let this happen? If there was a god then he must be the cruellest man there is. How could he give James a love that caused cosmic warfares in his soul and ripped it away? What did he ever do to deserve it?

He didn't know how long he sat there clutching that parchment, the last of his lover's remains. He didn't know if it had been Lily who had pulled him up and ripped the last of his lover's memento from his hands. Either way, none of it mattered.

James had died and been brought back to life and now he wanted nothing more than to cut his wrist open than live.

The story ended in death.

#james potter #jegulus #starchaser #jily #marauders #harry potter #sirius black #angst #fluff #smut

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beryul-blog · 6 years

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TOP QUOTES THAT REMIND ME OF LUKE SKYWALKER.

BOOK / AUTHORS :

‘ his face was sad and lovely with bright things in it ’ - f. scott fitzgerald ( with changed pronouns ) .

‘ years of love have been forgot in the hatred of a minute . ‘ - edgar allan poe .

the best people possess a feeling for beauty , the courage to take risks , the discipline to tell the truth , the capacity for sacrifice. ironically , there virtues make them vulnerable ; they are often wounded , sometimes destroyed - ernest hemingway .

‘ he wasn’t bitter . he was sad , though . but it was a hopeful kind of sad . the kind of sad that just takes time ‘ - stephen chbosky ( with changed pronouns ) .

LYRICS :

weep for yourself , my man , you’ll never be what is in your heart . weep little lion man , you’re not as brave as you were at the start . rate yourself and rake yourself , take all the courage you have left , wasted on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head - little lion man ( mumfo.rd & so.ns ) .

just because everything’s changing doesn’t mean it’s never been this way before . all you can do is try to know who your friends are as you head off to the war . pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light . you’ll come back when it’s over . no need to say goodbye AND JUST BECAUSE THIS SONG IS SO FITTING , ‘ now we’re back to the beginning , it’s just a feeling and no one knows yet . but just because they can’t feel it too doesn’t mean that you have to forget . let your memories grow stronger and stronger ‘till they’re before your eyes . you’ll come back when they call you . no need to say goodbye . ’ - the call ( regina spe.ktor )

i was broken from a young age , taking my sulking to the masses , write down my poems for the few that looked at me , took to me , shook to me , feeling me singing from heartache from the pain , take up my message from the veins , speaking my lesson from the brain , seeing the beauty through the pain . . . my life , my love , my drive it came from pain - believer ( ima.gine dra.gons )

BONUS : ‘ it’s time to breathe , time to believe . let it go and run towards the sea . they don’t teach that , they don’t know what you mean . they don’t understand , they don’t know what you mean . they don’t get it , i wanna scream , i wanna breathe again , i wanna dream . i wanna float a quote from martin luther king , i am not afraid . i am not afraid . i am not afraid . i am not afraid . i am not afraid . i am not afraid . - the outsiders ( r . e . m )

POETRY / WISDOM :

‘ fearless child , broken boy ; tell me what it’s like to burn . ’ - oh darling , even rome fell ( poetry collection ) .

‘ the quieter you become , the more you are able to hear . ‘ - rumi .

‘ it was the longest night in winter , when i sent a question into space , asking how i’d ever change when i’m trapped in the same place . and i heard the moon giggle , as she cloaked me in her light , along with the same swath of stars . i looked at every night , i blushed pink as a sunrise , at the joke i didn’t get . until the moon gave me her answer , in the minutes before she set . ‘ you have so much to learn on standing still , ’ she told me with a smile , ‘ for since you first asked me that question , you’ve moved five hundred thousand miles - e.h.

MISC :

‘ i’ve spent a life chasing stories to tell when i’m old .’ - atticus

‘ do you ever want to run and start over ? wipe the slate clean ? begin all over again with a blank canvas ? it’s okay , we all feel that way sometimes . it doesn’t mean you don’t love your life or the people in it . it doesn’t mean that you wouldn’t give your last breath to see them happy . sometimes when we yearn to be selfish , it means we have been selfless for too long . ’ - lang leav .

#dont talk to me #im Dad #i MEAN SAD #but im also dad ?oisadjaks #BASICALLY THESE QUOTES ARE MAINLY AIMED AT GRUMPY SKY HERMIT!LUKE #BUT ALSO YUNG LEWK #if anyones got any questiosn with anyo f the quotes ive picked hmu #i'll be happ yto tlak abotu them :) through the waterfall of te a r s :)#✫ * . THERE ARE MAPS ON YOUR SKIN AND SOUL . / * INSP .#✫ * . LOVER OF THE LIGHT . / * ST .

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