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#painfully created by me
otp-holic · 9 months
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The Big Dude-Bro aka Marvel keeps watching and erasing Steve and Bucky's relationship, their history, moments... and even Bucky himself.
Don't let them win and SPEAK STUCKY: Create content, reblog content, read fic, read meta, look at old interviews, or show creators some love... but don't let them think we're not here till the end of the line. We are.
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medicalunprofessional · 7 months
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neighborhood watch
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ellieellieoxenfree · 2 months
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a thing that i genuinely fucking adore about kiseki and that i always have rotating rotisserie-style in my brain is how much trauma and abandonment informs the behaviors and beliefs of the core four. each of them was abandoned or hurt by a parental figure -- via death, via abuse, via addiction -- and the families and lives they built in the aftermath are informed by that specific pain. zong yi and chen yi are both very focused on their ambitions and staying the course and rushing into an accelerated adulthood while containing their emotions safely under wraps. but even then, zong yi is just focused on learning how to provide and be responsible because he has people who still unconditionally support and rely on him and he's thus able to be the most well-adjusted; chen yi doesn't know how to live a life without danger (to himself, to yiyun meng, to ai di) and has no real sense of safety or stability. he's always chasing that hero-worship model of adulthood because he doesn't know how to be his own style of leader and being the mirror image of chen dong yang is going to give him the closest approximation of a sense of safety. he relied on CDY growing up and he believes that mimicking his boss is going to soothe his own terror at living in a fundamentally unstable, out-of-control world.
ai di, of course, was born with emotional instability due to his mother's drug use, so he never had a chance. like chen yi, who was orphaned at an early age, he never had the sense of stability of even one loving caretaker, and CDY doesn't exactly give off the nurturing dad vibes. chen yi was forced into a caretaking role for a close-to-death feral little kid, and he had no one to model affection for him. he did the best he could, and he does succeed in being protection and safe haven for ai di, but he's never had a chance to process and navigate the emotional complexities of burgeoning adulthood and romance. (ai di is, in many ways, similar to macau from KP, i think -- starving for attention and affection that their broken older sibling figures can only give so much of. both vegas and chen yi try mightily to give them the chances they didn't get, but they were equally failed first.) so ai di has the advantage of having a slightly safer space to begin spreading out his messy emotions, but he doesn't know how to really express them in healthy ways (hence his self-destructive attention-seeking behavior).
ze rui is the outlier in many ways -- he doesn't fit in zong yi's world, but he doesn't fit in chen yi's and ai di's, either. as ai di points out to him, he still fears death. he's got his feet wet in the mafia world, but he doesn't have the commitment. he's not as trapped there. he can slide more seamlessly, if awkwardly, into the real world (such as at zong yi's school; he's clumsy and it's played for laughs, but he's old enough and poised enough to keep the ruse semi-on the rails, whereas ai di's prickly, itchy energy makes it a lot harder for him to easily ingratiate). he has somewhere to go home to, both literally in the sense of his apartment, and more figuratively, in the sense of his vile family unit that wants to use him as a pawn for the business. he's more or less kept on ice as a second-best option, told he can be trotted out when he's useful, but slapped down at any moment where he might dare to outshine his brother. of all the four, he's the one in the most gilded cage. zong yi is in a prison of poverty; chen yi and ai di are trapped in a cycle of violence and death. they contain themselves into their own self-created, pre-determined paths. zong yi has no choice but to go to med school and become a family provider. he knows he'll be a workhorse forever. chen yi and ai di have the blackly comic life of wondering if they'll even both be alive on their next birthdays, and they alternately chafe at that and welcome it. ze rui has a financially advantageous future, if he'll continue being a loyal pet of the same people who ruthlessly crushed the independence and ambition and self-esteem out of him from childhood on.
it's just such a crunchy show with so much to really dig into and pick apart at the marrow. i'm fascinated with how everyone starts at a similar point (parental failures) and spirals out in vastly different ways. sometimes they parallel each other, sometimes they intersect, and sometimes they diverge into wildly different paths. there are so many rich veins to mine (and that's not even touching a lot of the traumas inflicted in canon, for fuck's sake) and it's so refreshing to see a show about trauma and healing that doesn't manage to disrespectfully screw over its characters in the eleventh hour.
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eerna · 1 year
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wait just a minute. why is Hermes in s1 of PJO??
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auldesola · 4 months
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someday i should write a piece about how the character writing for House M.D. and the character writing for Tales of the Abyss hit me harder than anything else ever has and how they tackle death (both), addiction (House), suicide (both), fear (both), catastrophic events (ToA), religion (both), emotional repression (both), and loneliness (both but esp House) in different but extremely compelling ways.
both of these stories are extremely important to me and i'm still trying to find things that are half as good as them. usually to my continued and constant frustration.
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dreamspring · 7 months
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and i hope, i hope all of our homes have white fences. and i hope our smiles are wider than theirs is. and i hope all of our dreams are kept fragrant. and i’ll meet you on the pavement, when we make it to the other side
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slippery-minghus · 4 months
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i want to paint, but autism is hungry and needs to be fed 8hrs of skyrim a day
#i'm trying to set up to paint bc i want to!! but every bone in my body says no#i'm gonna feel sad and disappointed in myself if i don't paint because i want to actually *do* something#and not spend this whole weekend having barely even scraped the surface of what i truly genuinely wanted to do#and instead just burn away the time looking at skyrim#i'm not even really having all that much fun playing it!!! but i can't break away from it#which isn't always a bad thing especially on week days but? on a long weekend where i want to enjoy myself??#and i can't because my brain won't let me??? not fun!!!#painting is so boring and understimulating and my brain is way too foggy right now to think about mixing colors and layering#(secretly i don't even want to paint i just want to feel satisfied at creating a thing!!) (my brain is too fried to hold a thought long#enough to do the physical action of painting! it sounds wayyyy too daunting and taxing right now!!)#but if i spend this whole weekend having sat on my ass doing nothing will i feel rested? no!!!#but if i spend all my energy doing A Hobby will i feel rested? also no!!! but then i'll at least have something to show for it#i'm riling myself up and i feel like i ALMOST could make myself paint right now#but as soon as i think of what it will feel like to sit here and focus and move my hands to do the painting my brain screams NO#and sure i can argue i'll feel better if i do it i'll be glad if i do it and it'll be easier once i start#but this isn't the walk i took yesterday (that i was glad i took but still felt like garbage after)#i WANTED to take a walk. i was just struggling with the level of exertion i could manage (walk my neighborhood or drive 30min to the park?)#my brain is latching on to 8hrs a day of skyrim bc that's all i have the energy for#work has been killing me#and it's so painfully bright in my apartment but i can't close the curtains bc i need all the sunlight i can get#i WANT to have the energy to paint and enjoy it but i just don't.... (but i feel like if i Give In to the exhaustion then i'm#no better than my mom who just sits around all day refusing to live her life bc she refuses to take care of herself.#and calls sitting perfectly still—instead of actuvely managing her condition—'not letting her disability win')#(so i don't want to be that. i don't want to waste away like my mom bemoaning how i Just Can't when i totally can!!!#i could push through this exhaustion and hype myself up but the only thing i'm going to be thinking about is Am I Done Yet? Can I Rest Now?)#and i can't convince myself that 'just paint for 30min' is worth it bc mixing paint and setting up is Just So Much#enough that 'just 30min' is a lie and not a legitimate out if i need it to be#i need to commit or not do it. and i just can't......... my eyes hurt and i'm tured and i just wanna play my game#and all this indecision and feeling like i'm wasting time is just making me want to cry. im gonna close the curtains and boot up the xbox;(#personal
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starredforlife · 4 days
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i feel the need to reassure also that im exaggerating my mistakes a bit but it's like. almost like an exposure therapy thing.
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ethanhuntfemmefatale · 8 months
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I got. Some thoughts. About this being the movie where Ethan passes Jim in age. “Good luck, Ethan” is such a nice subtle reference it drove me a little insane
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sunsetzer · 3 months
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Hello I am not dead I've just been sucked irrevocably into Stardew Valley by my friend who bought it for my birthday (and also Christmas, because my birthday is three days after Christmas, which is usually the way presents go for me and I don't mind). I've already put like 42 hours into my little farm in the forest and making friends with the residents and I'm having the most delightful time. Also my friend's boyfriend is purchasing a copy for my girlfriend so we can play together. What really sold her was when I told her we could get gay married in co-op. 10/10
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transphilza · 1 year
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tis missin techno hours it seems
#cw grief#vent in tags#man i started watching breakin bad for the first time recently w my gf and like great show#but boy was i not prepared for all the cancer stuff. we had to stop watching one night because of how hard it was for me to watch#its just so hard to think about him going through that. like obviously#thats why the dedication by the sfa still hurts to even think about#and thinking about it all it makes sense to me why he never told us how bad it really was#i was. already so so worried about him all the time especially those last few months#even though he never gave us any reason to believe it was getting worse or anythin like that#so i cant imagine how badly id have been worrying if id known the extent of it all back then#and im grateful in a way for it. cause it gave me the chance during that last year we had him to really just love and appreciate#i just watched and rewatched vods and videos and i was so happy and so grateful to have him around.. im still grateful. cause hes not gone#i think he wanted it to be like that? i think he didnt want anyone mourning him before he left#dunno im just missing him and thinking of him as i often do. its just one of those Its All Painfully Real Lol moments#i sometimes have legitimate fleeting thoughts where im like. so. im gonna wake up tomorrow and someones gonna have created a cure for death#and hes gonna be back right. or like. for half a second my brain goes Cool so when does he come back?#its real strange#i think about his friends and family alot i find myself wondering if it hurts so bad for me then how are they even getting by?#but grief is always grief and grieving people are grieving people so maybe we arent as different as i think#yknow#whenever theres a meetup or something like that theres always this awful ache. this ringing in my ears#and it says. like. christ this is hard to type out.#it says ‘techno never got to do this’… or ‘sbi never got to do this’…#and its not a sentiment of jealousy or anger or even envy…. just grief#it’s just pure pure grief it’s just loss and it makes the whole world feel hollow#but i suppose that’s just the world without him.? everything echoes louder than it should#it seriously makes me feel sick when i think about that. augh. last hope we all had for an sbi meetup at vidcon#and how phil said they asked but techno. said he wouldnt make it that long basically. i think about that too much#i wont ever remember that vidcon as anything but the last few days of bliss before we found out#gonna rewatch some of his videos and sleep now. hearing his voice always makes me smile ❤️ goodnight
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otp-holic · 2 years
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OMG, I have unlocked the "Steve Rogers' internal monologue audio track" on Infinity War!
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laireshi · 8 months
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do you ever just cry about how much the venerate loved each other
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Ben Reilly: Scarlet Spider (Vol. 1/2017), #8.
Writer: Peter David; Penciler and Inker: William Sliney; Colorists: Jason Keith and Andrew Crossley; Letterer: Joe Caramagna
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seilon · 1 year
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god I wish I could rip Instagram apart with my teeth I hate it I hate it I hate it
#kibumblabs#whenever I think about it and what it does (in general but mostly to artists) I go into a feral anti-capitalist blind rage#it is legitimately killing art. it is killing what it means to be an artist and replacing it with corporate brainrot#and it’s disgusting to me to think about kids going into art and getting brainwashed into believing you should sacrifice agency over your#time and what you create and etc in order to create a Brand is the most important thing– or rather a DEFINING thing– about being an artist#it’s just. god it makes me mad#I won’t even get into how it also rips your mental health to shreds and strips your ego and ability to enjoy what you do and etc#but you know. there’s that too#I could write a fucking essay on this man and maybe I should at some point honestly#what’s sad though is that the Instagram art account mentality is already so normalized and so in-line with how companies/corporations like#disney or blizzard or basically any animation/game company and whatnot work that it’s easy to have that mindset reinforced by comparison to#those ‘legitimate’ non-freelance jobs#like that’s how they do it at fucking riot games or whatever so it must be the Right Way To Do Art. constantly and painfully by everyone#else’s standards but your own. no! it’s not! stop sucking the industry’s dick and look up for a second#and yes that applies to freelancers because like I said this new freelance art mentality directly corresponds with how corporate art jobs#operate. just. think about it on an existential long-term level. you shouldn’t fucking waste your life for that shit#sorry I’m kinda spiraling cause it’s such a personally relevant topic especially with recently stepping out of art school and debating if#I’ll return or not next semester and all that because yeah my school is a direct pipeline into The Industry and thus it operates like#The Industry. and I thought that was something that’s a pro when I was going into this school but boy. it really hits you when you’re#slogging away worked to the point of carpal tunnel/wrist problems being a normal and accepted thing being expected to sacrifice your#physical and mental health and so on just#oh! this is going to be my life from now on. forever. this isn’t temporary to get a degree this is a model of the industry im being injected#into and if anything it’s just going to get worse staying in this pipeline. Don’t Forget You’re Here Forever#and yeah I just. how do you continue under those conditions and expectations?#I don’t know what I’m gonna do yet man- I’m gonna get a bachelors it just may be at a state college instead– but beyond that idk but it’s#become too taxing on my time and health to just say ‘it is how it is’ and do something that’ll kill me slowly for a company’s profit.#something something marx was right something something
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lightnersdream · 1 year
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so reflecting i have done jack shit since i graduated. had an ok first quarter and then it went to shit hard i want to draw more but i have to get over my insane perfectionism if im gonna keep doing it at all. and it applies to my life in general also but
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