#otherwise there’s so much contradiction and like… almost aimlessness ? like what is he living for what is he fighting for in canon | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

neytinintransit · 7 years

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one summer’s day (ed. 1)

Every morning, my mother goes down to her old crystal shop at the front of our house and burns several spears of incense as she prays. And every morning, my mother prays for Ryan and me. In fact, she is so religiously dedicated to this ritual that my high school friends always associated me with the smell of incense before I grew smart enough to invest in some strongly-scented body soap. When she prays, she demands complete privacy and silence (a request which my brother and I may not treat with much respect), for fear that part of her spirit may be trapped in another world if interrupted mid-process. Eric discovered this contraption pictured above at the beginning of our visit and, being the free spirit he is, didn’t hesitate to set it in motion. Oddly enough, even though I just hopped on a plane and flew an ocean away from home, the scent makes this foreign environment seem mildly familiar. I was talking to Joy about this, but I think I’ve traveled enough to out-grow my fear of foreign lands.

Another thing I’ve learned from past travels is that I quickly grow tired of aimless wandering when there isn’t any form of personal growth involved. Last Spring, I remember wandering around Rome and feeling at a loss for why I was there and not home. Why wasn’t I at KO Gym working the bags with Coach? Why wasn’t I cooking up some fancy, fulfilling side-project? Why the hell was I spending so much time at these random spots in the world, walking my feet sore to the bone? There was no purpose or direction. After all, that’s what aimless wandering is. And on the plane/train ride here, I decided that wasn’t what I wanted. Not ever again- or at least I hope.

So as I mentioned in the blog post below, I’ve decided to set a number of goals. They’re not necessarily huge, monumentous goals. Just little things I’d like to be able to tick off here and there. The list is growing/shrinking as I skip around the continent, so there isn’t very strong commitment to them either. But they’re there, and I’m hoping for them to move me forward.

But before we get to the abstract stuff, let’s do a quick-dirty rundown of Tokyo. I’m not quite as shocked anymore when this happens, but once again my worlds have collided. Pictured left is Raheem of Princeton, the nobel ram that everyone adores. On the right is Eric of Troy, the pupperino that’s accompanying me for the duration trip. We all met up in Ginza, the classy, high-fashion upper-class neighborhood of Tokyo. We didn’t spend too much time there, but I was able to go through this stationary shop called G.Itoya and hunt for little gifts. I mentioned below that one of my goals was to find souvenirs from different parts my travels for a select few people. Some of them told me that I didn’t have to, and if you’re reading this, I promise took your advice to heart. I will not mindlessly purchase meaningless artifacts, but if I do see something that I know will make said persons happy, you can bet I’m taking that gold back to homebase.

After scrambling around for a restaurant that had vegetarian (Raheem is vegetarian) options, we made a trip over to the Tokyo Tower. On the way there, we happened to pass through a number of Japanese gardens, landscapes lush with greenery, unlike the gardens back home sprinkled with a variety of colorful flowers.

Pit stop no. 1 is that red-white Eiffel Tower looking thing. As expected, there’s an elevator that takes you to the top and provides a 360 degree view of Tokyo. To be honest, it wasn’t the most awe-inspiring activity, though it was a good introduction to the city.

After marching around the tower and shopping at the random souvenir shops throughout several floors, we made way to meet Eric’s college friends, Yi and Lucy. They’re traveling together like Eric and me, and their personalities click pretty well. Yi has one of the most dynamic personalities I’ve met, with as much energy as Dory from Finding Nemo. Lucy is much more calm and relaxed, but feels very genuine and down to earth from our conversations.

The five of us mapped out a 20 minute walk to Harajuku, the stylish art and fashion district of Tokyo. With a steady combination of terrible navigation skills and California-style walking, twenty minutes became a solid hour and a half. There were no regrets from walking on my end, however. To me, that just meant we had an extra hour and ten minutes of conversation and exploration (e.g. a puppy shop, Shake Shack, more gardens, getting to know friends, old and new.

And at the end of our journey, we were blessed with this little gem in the sky. Sunsets at the beach are wonderful, but they don’t quite capture that magic that these sunsets do— the way the autumn-shaded sunlight collides with the clouds to create the purple and orange and yellow and red.

When we weren’t staring at the sky, we were browsing through some pretty cool (and cheap) shops. I really liked this place. It reminded me a bit of 南锣鼓巷 in Beijing, except it was a bit more stylish with a larger variety. Almost like a hybrid of that and Brick Lane in London, I guess. It’s funny how you start comparing places in different countries to one another after you’ve traveled enough. Almost like how you start to describe new friends in relation to old ones you’ve made after you’ve run out of room in your mind to store completely new identities.

On the note of old friends, we met up with Hiro and got Izakaya later that night. Izakaya usually consists of bar foods and beer/sake, and it was a great way for us to talk about the parts of life that passed when we were apart. She really is one of the kindest, warmest, most considerate souls that I’ve ever met. And I feel like part of me always misses her company. I guess that’s when you know you’ve found yourself a good friend.

Since we’re coming closer and closer to that metaphysical, abstract level of thought, we can just go there. On this trip, I want to be able to glean little life lessons and pockets of wisdom as I march forward. To be able to reflect, understand, and meditate on certain thoughts and philosophies that I’ve developed and changed through the years. It’s a process called adulting, and it’s happening. I have to accept that, and I have to embrace it with complete willingness, otherwise it will out-run me.

Pictured above is an Ema. Quoted directly from Wikipedia, “Ema are small wooden plaques on which Shinto worshippers write their prayers or wishes. The ema are then left hanging up at the shrine, where the kami (spirits or gods) are believed to receive them.” One of my favorite parts of my trip through Tokyo was finding little shrines scattered throughout the city that contained stopping points that collected the wishes and hopes of its inhabitants. On the flip side of every lotus flower was a wish that someone in this world felt was important enough to share with the world.

I’m not one to believe in fate, but I do know that certain things catch my eye for a reason. And when this note appeared in my field of view, I felt myself immediately attracted to it. For some reason, this phrase elicited a sense of nostalgia- both the pain of loss and the hope for a happier future. After reading it, I began to contemplate why people feel, so strongly, this urge to love. Why is it that people believe that the capacity to care for something other than you is greater than any form of care you’ll ever have?

Within the past few years, I’ll admit that I’ve done things I’m not proud of (Teemo reference ‘sup). With each of those actions, I started to like myself less and less. I saw flaws in my behavior and how they existed in complete contradiction to what I believed were my values. Self-love is hard to maintain, and if you’re not careful, it eventually withers away. But what I think I’m starting to realize is that love and care for others is what anchors me down. I’m not sure why, but when I love so strongly— be it my family, a significant other, a city— it draws out behaviors and actions that I find admirable. It makes me a better person, and a person that I think I could possibly love.

And I think that is why An is searching for love again. I know the whole preach of independence is important, but for some reason, it’s awfully hard for me to love myself if I can’t find that same love and care for anyone else.

Everyday, thousands of people travel to shrines to pray for their loved ones. For those that have both passed and are living, they pray for the well-being of their souls. These shrines connect people to loved ones, beyond the flesh and bone with which we were born with. While walking around, I noticed several people fresh from work, coming to pay their respects and leave their wishes.

Next to the shrine, piles of burnt incense serve as a monument to these prayers. Growing up, I’ve always found it interesting that incense was chosen to be the tool of choice to pray to the Gods. Growing up, I’ve also found it interesting the way my mom and dad seemed to sacrifice so much for my brother and me.

Growing up, I had all these dreams of success, of wild, wild success. I’ve had dreams of becoming the president of the United States, of becoming the CEO of the next big startup. I’ve thought of all these things, and I still do. Without a doubt, I believe that my mom and dad thought of these things throughout their lives as well. I believe they still do.

And yet, I’ve always found it so interesting how they were able to make all these sacrifices for my brother and me. Why do my mother and father work their entire lives for our sake? Mom doesn’t care about real-estate, and Dad sure doesn’t give a shit about construction. So why would they dedicate the day-in-day-out to us?

Every morning, my mother goes down to her old crystal shop at the front of our house and burns several spears of incense as she prays. Every morning, my mother prays for Ryan and me. And I’m beginning to understand why I would do the same for another, and why I’m not completely crazy for doing so. I’m not saying that it’s the right path, by any means, but I can understand it now. Because when you’ve found something you like, very very much, what you want doesn’t seem so important anymore. You find joy and love in theirs.

On a final note, I can’t think of another picture that I resonate with more right now. I don’t know why I always do this to myself, but it’s currently 4:30AM and I’m ready to konk the $#@% out.

Goodnight world.

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TL:DR I get why people have kids now.

Adulting pt. 1 checked.

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