ok we're back to posting art 👍 coming in with Lisa and Starshine. lowkey dont like this one but thats ok because we stay improving

Lil idea I had

I saw a video where someone said that (if you're doing photography as a hobby, not as a career) the camera that makes you want to take more pictures and want to use that camera all the time is the best camera to buy, and for most people that might not be the most expensive, decked out camera out there.

and that advice really applies to most things, doesn't it? anyway, much like how I basically always turn to marie kondo's "does this spark joy?" question when it comes to Things, the above lesson is something that I think I'll take as a guiding principle whenever I'm spending hours on youtube watching product reviews because I want to buy a Thing but I don't know what model of the Thing I want to buy.

yes the Thing looks cool, but will it actually make me want to do [reason I'm buying the Thing for] more frequently? will it make me fall in love with the process of Using The Thing?

5/4/23

i went outside again today. i’m trying to make it part of my routine.

i can definitely feel this scorpio lunar eclipse energy. i got a total of two hours of sleep yesterday. this entire week has been intense and busy for me. in good ways, and potentially bad ways. i haven’t decided if they’re bad or not.

i don’t really know what i want anymore. in terms of romance. i think i’m turned off by everyone. except the right ones. one. there’s only one. i feel ashamed for still wanting him. i should be ashamed. i wish there was someone like him. someone who also possesses a uniquely harsh exterior that, at moments, strikes anxiety but also an immense softness that is hard to ignore. when i was with him it felt like i was holding a weightless dove, his flutter-heart pattering love rhythms into my palms.

he knows how to perfectly balance the taboo as well, i’ve never met anyone that intelligent before. he would never admit his intelligence. but he’s the smartest person i know. it’s few people that think in the ways we do. i know because i’ve met the ones close to it, but not quite there. to have both high moral standards, while also having a desire to break the rules and to lean into taboo ways of living, is rare.

i crave someone with the ability to navigate that in the ways that i do. someone that’s able to turn it on and off like me. to resist, to give in, to resist again. it’s a mediation. it’s as if the universe takes hold of you, begins to suffocate you, and then suddenly lets go, so you can take in one big euphoric breath. i want someone like that. someone that understands that. he understood.

i feel like the scorpio eclipse should be making me want to run away from him, it’s what is logically the best option. if it was anyone else i would run away. but for some reason it feels like the more i resist him, the more i’m pulled back to him. like there’s this unstoppable force that won’t let me let him go and vice versa.

i’ll never be able to make sense of whatever it is we have, had, etc. none of it can be logically explained despite my best efforts.

the most heartbreaking aspect of it all is that it really is something i’ll never know. i’ll never know why i love him. i can seriously never explain it, it just exists. like how seasons and gravity exist.

i like to be able to explain things. i like to be able to pick them apart, stamp them on a piece of paper, tie them in neat bows. i want to be able to know why. love is an unforeseen force. i don’t even want to love him. but i know i do. which is weird. it’s all so fucking weird. it doesn’t make sense. i used to be able to make sense of love.

i suppose i never knew love until i met him.

i constantly think abt how locked away on some ancient digital camera, on someones old phone, theres pictures of Just Jim in the fire ant gear. got the suit on, mask in hand. lacing his wrist cuffs. cheeky posed photos where hes covering his face, candids where hes not.

helo >:) today is sunny & i am going to b productive

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