I guess I'm sleep deprived enough having not slept for 4 days to make a post about this.

People who entirely write off Asgore as a character worth caring about in any respect, what's up?

I should clarify.

This is not directed to people who fully consider his story in UT, or the implications in DR and come out of it going "I don't forgive him and therefore don't like him"

It's more to the weirdly hostile voices I see that are just like, entirely dismissive of his story and just go "Haha, he sucks. Definitely no nuance here! Just shitty! Every other character is worth the world and Asgore is a piece of shit forever and should die lmao" and like, did you play the same game?

Because I feel like you're just robbing yourself of a whole ass dynamic of the story in UT just to go "Haha, he's a lame divorced shithead and murderer, Toriel deserves better uwu" and like, that's not the point? OBVIOUSLY she does? Because she decided he's not for her in both games for different reasons? That doesn't delete his story from the game(s) or make it less valuable to consider?

Also good for her (in UT), the dumbass goes kid killer and you tell him to go fly a kite.

But like, seriously man. Asgore has one of the most hefty 'crumbling under the weight of the world' narratives to his story in UT.

He's in charge of giving all monsters a better life, and he's looked deep inside, witnessed his son killed by humanity, witnessed the (supposed) best chance at peace between humanity and monsters pass with Chara, and he's decided that the only hope to provide for those he cares about is to give up his own 'humanity' and gather the power of human souls to break through... AND HE CAN'T EVEN DO THAT BECAUSE HE CAN'T BRING HIMSELF TO BECOME THE MONSTER HE HATES!

(Yes he kills though, I mean finish the plan, we'll get to that)

Like cut and dry, it's a pretty shit plan bud. But it's born from a place of deep compassion and a sense of significant loss that made him desperate.

(some of these details might be too fuzzy from a long time since playing but the general point remains)

He doesn't know all the facts.

He doesn't know everything about Chara.

He doesn't know that Chara, while fused with Asriel, wanted to commit violence against Humanity for what they did to the monsters.

He didn't know that Asriel died because he fought against this.

He didn't know so much of the story. All he saw was his adopted child dying with a simple wish to see the flowers again, and humanity attacking like the beasts they claimed monsters were when his son attempted to fulfill that wish.

He saw humanity's darkest, and questioned why monsters were the ones locked below. And he saw what Asriel and Chara were able to accomplish together so he made a plan.

His plan rings the same tones of most 'last chance' narratives. There IS no other way out from what he's witnessed. Chara and Asriel WERE the good option out, and it didn't work.

The good ending was attempted, and denied. So he looked at his options and there really weren't many.

Either die underground, or kill to make the surface their home.

And upon finally building up the determination to put his plan in motion, he couldn't do it.

He killed, and immediately had too much regret to follow through.

He shut down, he crumbled under the pressure, he saw the blood on his hands and he realized he wasn't able to hate strongly enough to use the soul to break through and attack humanity as a whole.

As Toriel said in the true end, he could have gone with 1 soul, but he hid away and hoped that no more humans would come.

His true plan was to end his plan. To live in regret of the life he stole and never see another human again, and out of fear of revealing his failure to his people, out of fear of admitting to them that they would never see the surface again, he hid from his responsibility because it would demand he become a true monster. He claimed to need more power, and hoped no one would come to confront them.

He locked himself into the responsibilities of a mad king, to kill and gather power whenever a new human arrives. For nothing.

To continuously bloody his hands in the hopes of never doing so again, all because he's too 'weak' to just go up top and become the Mercy-less monster he truly believed needed to exist to free them.

And all the sadness and regret, but hollow determination to continue on his path is so STRONG in his story, man! It's TERRIBLE!

He hates what he's become; He shows no joy at the thought of fighting Frisk. He's built an empty responsibility all in the hope of never killing again, and the world keeps laughing at him as it tosses more lives his way.

He wants to help his people, but he doesn't want to hurt the humans.

He was a good person presented with a perspective of the 'facts' that laid bare a world of disgusting hate, a world that can't be reasoned with, a world without Mercy. And after having lost his only children to this world, he gave in to his own weakness and decided to play by the rules- to also fight without Mercy.

AND. FAILED.

He's both entirely convinced that the world has no mercy, and is entirely unable to relinquish his own.

All while bitterly tending to an evil he resents to its core, all while hoping to be left alone and never be asked to shed blood again, all while truly believing he must do so- in these circumstances- if he is to protect the lives on the surface and maintain even a semblance of his mercy in the grand scheme of things.

Let them live and risk the humans finding out he killed in the first place, risk the humans coming underground to kill them all. Risk repeating what happened with Asriel, but for them all because of blood on his hands.

Kill them, for no gain, and continue the facade- continue telling everyone you're almost strong enough to kill those on the surface. Continue lying, so that the monsters are safe, and the humans are as well. All at the cost of another child. IT SUCKS IT'S FUCKING BAD MAN.

It's what makes it so touching that you can convince him through your intense determination to break the rules of this mercy-less world! You're unending compassion and inability to accept 'no' for an answer in regards to cherishing life provides him with new hope!

It's a glimpse of a person with true unending mercy that convinces him that the world can be changed- Frisk and the player's actions convince him that he was mistaken. That it never had to be the original plan, and the reason he couldn't think of a new one is because succumbing to the act of murder had destroyed his sense of hope- he wasn't the right person to come up with a plan to free the monsters after that because it was simply too damaging to his ability to hope or dream of a better future.

He needed convinced.

He needed to be shown that the world can have mercy in it, that it can be compassionate.

Things he once believed were possible, and a reality that was torn from him with the loss of his kids- revitalized as you step through to make it happen.

IT'S GOOD, OKAY.

AND ASGORE IS INTEGRAL TO IT AND IS A TRAGIC FIGURE WITHIN IT.

Anyways you can still hate him, you're opinions are you own and he sucks at being a good dude. The dude killed kids (in UT), you remember that? Fucked up.

I've just been seeing a lot of takes on the guy as some nuance-less bad person when he has so many layers of depth going on that it sounds bizarre to hear him summed up as like "Oh yeah, Asgore is a piece of shit, anyways let's talk about the character depth of Pipis"

I mean come on, Ms. Pipis is right there, talk about her, lol.

My Heart Has a History (5)

This was ridiculous!

I was surrounded by four white walls and the clock on the wall was beginning to drive me insane. I must have been in here for close to an hour and I had yet to be seen by anyone. I had asked multiple times on the way over here why I was being arrested, but all I got was a few mumbles and that was it. 

"Abbot-" A man's voice sounded as he opened the door. "It's time for your phone call." His whole demeanor was caulis and rude. I struggled to get up from the metal seat as the bastard just stood there watching. 

"Thanks for the help." I muttered. As I made my way to the phone, I tried my best to look for Gemma or for any sign of Unser or Hale. "You got five minutes." I rolled my eyes as the man took a seat across from the phone, making sure to keep his eyes on me I had a decision to make. I could either call my husband and try to explain to him what was going on or I could call Jax. I don't know which one would be worse and which one would be better. They would both freak out about the situation but Jax would possibly take it to extremes. Then again, Jax would be able to get both Gemma and I released. "Do you have to make a phone call or not, Abbot?" Before I could reply, Unser's voice began to filter through the hall soon revealing himself, Clay, and Jackson. "Are you okay?" Jax rushed over to me, placing his hands on my shoulders in a comforting manner. I just nodded my head. "What the hell is this all about?" All I could do was shrug my shoulder at his question. It was as if my mouth and brain were no longer working in sync. Jax stayed by my side as Clay appeared with Gemma, a look of relief on her face when she saw me. "You wanna tell me why Gemma Morrow and Presley Abbot were arrested?" Unser began to question the asshole who released me to use the phone. "Stahl wanted them in for questioning and that's the only way we could get them here." He replied smugly. "They were together so it was the perfect opportunity." I noticed Jax tense up in anger at the man's response. "ATF doesn't call the shots around here, son.” Unser sneered. “Presley and Gemma are free to go and are not to be bothered. Do you understand me?” "ATF outranks any small-town official, Chief." Unser made his way closer to the man, finally coming face-to-face with him. "That may be true in other places but not in my town, detective." The two had a stare off before Unser told the guy that we were both free to go once again. As I was leaving, I made sure to look at the guy who caused so much trouble, even offering him a smirk as I crossed into the other room. Jax was hot on my tail as we exited the police station together. Once we were outside, I noticed that he had drove his truck over instead of his bike. I was in desperate need of a ride home and I didn't feel like bothering Matt with all the drama at this point. I was beginning to think that it would be best not to tell him what had just happened. "You need a lift home?" Jax soon spoke once we reached the truck. "Yeah, that would be great." I gave him a small smile. I placed my hand in his as he opened the passenger door, helping me into the tall vehicle. I couldn't help but laugh as he ran around the car, flipping his reaper cap around in the process. I always loved it when he wore that stupid cap. He even got Wyatt one so they could twin out on different occasions. "Neeta said that she would look at Wyatt for a little longer today if you want to rest for a while. I can even drop him off tonight, whichever works best for you."    I just nodded my head as the trucks engine roared to life. As we traveled to the house, I struggled to find the right words to say when it came to telling Jax about how Matt felt about the other night. "Jax-"I began as I turned in my seat. "We need to talk about a few things." Confusion replaced the content look that he had on his face. "The other night when you came over-"I stuttered. "Well, Matt wasn't too happy about that. He found it kind of rude that you just helped yourself into the house, even though I told him that you knocked. He's just worried that his parents are gonna disapprove of him because-" 

I stopped midsentence as I tried to find the right words once again. 

"Because of what, Presley." Jax interjected. I watched as the houses and tree passed us by as I struggled to search for the right words. "Because you’re still in my life." The words escaped before I could register what I had said. I looked over at him, noticing that he was as still as a statue. I wanted to tell him that I was perfectly okay with him still being in my life but I decided to just stay quiet. I then started to mentally kick myself for even telling him all of this to begin with. I should have just kept my mouth shut and enjoyed the ride home. Ever since our divorce was finalized, Jax and I would remain close. For starters, we shared a son together and wanted to do what was best for him. I couldn't ever imagine separating the two of them or would I ever think to do so. They were like two peas in a pod and I loved that Jax was such a hands-on dad. When his car pulled into the driveway, all I could do was sit there. I watched out of the corner of my eye as he placed the car in park and hastily got out. He made his way around the car and quickly opened my door. "Are you getting out?" He huffed out as he stood there impatiently.    I looked up at him, fighting with myself over what to tell him. "Presley, I don't have all day." I finally gave in and got out of the truck, standing in the way so he couldn't close the door just yet. "I don't feel the way Matt does.” I spoke. “I love having you in my life and in our son's life." He rolled his eyes. "I'm serious Jackson!" I said a bit harsher. "I don't know what I would do if you weren't in our lives. Our lives wouldn't be the same." He refrained from looking at me, choosing to stare at the house instead. I decided to finally move away from the door since this wasn't going how I planned in my head. "I'll have Neeta drop Wyatt off tonight." He slammed the car door shut, causing me to jump in surprise. I watched as he made his way back around the truck, not even offering a goodbye as he started the engine. I slowly made my way up the stairs and into the house as he fled out of the driveway. I thought I had felt shitty before but I was feeling even worse now…. It had been a few days since I last seen or even heard from Jax. Gemma would pick Wyatt up and drop him off every day that he didn't stay the night. Every time she would come, the issue between Jax and I would be brought up but I had nothing to tell her. In my defense, I didn't do anything wrong. I had told Jax the truth but he was being the stubborn one.I didn't need that kind of stress this late in my pregnancy. I was so stressed out over the whole Jax debacle that I grew more and more behind in my work. I had several cakes and pastries that needed to be done by a certain date and I had yet to get any of them accomplished. The poor girls at the shop probably thought I had abandoned them. When I got to the bakery, the place was packed with customers. The shelves and cases were stocked with fresh goodies and the girls looked as if they were handling things nicely. "Oh thank God, she's back." A voice shot out from behind the counter before Nicole, my head cookie maker, came running towards me. She instantly wrapped her arms around my neck, almost strangling me in the process. I couldn't help but laugh as I hugged her back, ignoring the looks of the customers waiting for their treats. "We were about to send out a search party for you but Jax told us you weren't feeling great."  I pulled away from her grasps and gave her a look. "When did you see Jax?" I questioned. She had told me that Jax and Wyatt had stopped by yesterday for some cookies before heading back to the garage. "Wyatt looks just like his father." 

I just nodded my head, still a bit confused, as I gave her a smile and headed towards the back. "Pres?" Nicole appeared again. "There's a couple of ladies out here requesting your services." I quickly put my bag down on my desk and waddled my way out into the public. Standing at the counter was the girl I hated most and the woman responsible for her career. "Luanne." I spoke. The older woman gave me a smile as Ima the Slut stood there as if she was God's gift to men. I couldn't help but mentally shake my head at her choice of outfit. She was in a public place wearing the shortest shorts imaginable and a shirt that was showing that she decided not to wear a bra today. Her hair was all perfect as was her makeup, so I figured she was on her way to work. "How you doing, Presley." She asked sympathetically. I had always liked Luanne but I didn't agree with her business ventures. She was a nicer version of Gemma but I feel as if she would drop you like a bat if given the chance. "I'm doing pretty good; Just trying to enjoy the rest of my pregnancy." She gave me a smile while Ima stood there looking uninterested. "What can I get the two of you." I finally asked. I made my way back around the counter seeing as they were probably here to order something. "I don't know if you heard or not but Ima's movie is gonna be released in a few days and I want you to make a cake for the party." This was defiantly a first. I had made personal cakes for Luanne in the past but this would be the first time I made one for a porno. "I was thinking that it would be a chocolate cake with hot pink icing and maybe some kind of saying or design." I watched as her eyes lit up as she explained the look of the cake. "It needs to be sexy yet classy since that's the kind of business I run." I just nodded my head, continuing to write down her ideas. "Ima, do you have anything to add?" I looked up as Ima's eyes connected with mine. She slowly looked up from her manicured nails, her eyes searing into my soul, "Just don't fuck it up."… I finally decided to call it a day a little after 8 that night.

I was almost caught up with all my orders but Ima's cake was still in the process of being designed. I had no idea how I was gonna make a cake look sexy but I would try my best to please the porn queen. Gemma had decided that she was gonna keep Wyatt for the night so I could enjoy a night of quiet. I gathered up all my things and began to close the shop. I made sure to turn the lights off, which I have left on all night in the past, and closed the door behind me. As I was locking up, I noticed a few men moving into the store beside of mine. "Good evening miss.” A grey-headed man waved from the store front. “Good evening.” I greeted, clutching my bag closer to my body as he approached. "Looks as if we are going to be neighbors." He spoke with a smile. “Seems so. ”I looked around at the men who surrounded the owner. They wore white button up shirts with jeans, their hair cut in a buzzed fashion. “Impeccable Smokes?” I questioned the name. He looked at me, smirk falling onto his face. “Cigar shop.” I nodded my head at his explanation. “Heard some folks around charming like a good cigar now and again. I figured the best place to set up shop is right next door to Charming’s favorite bakery.” I couldn’t help but feel a bit uncomfortable as his eyes stared into mine. At this point, all of his men had stopped working and were now honing in on our conversation. “Well-“ I cleared my throat. “Welcome to the neighborhood, Mr-“ “Zobelle.” 

Bad Romance - Part 7

Fandom: Scandal in the Spotlight (Love 365)

Pairing: Iori x Reader

In the days following your post-concert hook up with Iori you felt… surprisingly good. Maybe it was the little mantra you adopted or an extra dose of wishful thinking, but you felt you had a good handle on yours and Iori’s relationship. Using the term ‘relationship’ very loosely, of course.

You felt so good, in fact, that you didn’t even bat an eye when Kyohei asked you to go out to dinner with him, his girlfriend, and Iori. You were more than happy to oblige, paying no mind to Iori being in attendance.

When you arrived at the restaurant, the hostess informed you part of your party was already there. You were excited to join Kyohei and his girlfriend, but that was not who you found waiting at the table.

“Oh, it’s you,” Iori frowned as you sat down across from him.

“Nice to see you too,” you grumbled, checking the time.

You had been running late yourself, so Kyohei was extra late. Kyohei was never late. Left to his own devices he’s been known to stroll in well beyond the agreed upon time. An awkward silence fell between the two of you as you waited for your friends to arrive. “God I hope they come soon.” You thought to yourself.

Like clockwork, both of your phones went off. It was a message from Kyohei. ‘Hey guys so sorry. Something came up, we are going to have to cancel’

You let out a groan. You traveled all the way across town to get to this restaurant and you hadn’t bothered picking up any food for tonight since you planned on eating out. Trekking all the way back to your place just to be met by an empty fridge was not ideal. You and Iori looked up at each as if to say, ‘now what?’

“Fuck it,” Iori said finally, picking up a menu, “I’m hungry and I’m staying. Stay if you want.”

You picked up the menu, telling him, “I’m staying for the food, not the company.”

Iori half grunted, before you both buried your heads into the menus. That made it easy, you had something to shield yourself from him. You were able to occupy yourself with reading the selection of food, making the silence slightly less awkward. However, the waitress eventually came, taking your orders and the menus along with them.

With no barrier between the two of you, you were forced to look at each other.

You decided you weren’t about to sit uncomfortably for an entire meal, but you had no idea what to say. Did you and Iori even have anything in common? You really didn’t know. You guessed that would be a good start…

“You know I really don’t know anything about you,” you said, settling back into your seat. You had a feeling it was going to be an interesting night.

“I think you made a point to not know anything about me,” Iori replied, raising a brow at you. Fair point.

“Maybe so,” you replied, “But now I am making a point to know.”

“And where is this sudden interest coming from?” he questioned, taking a sip of his water.

Of course he wasn’t going to make this easy. “I don’t know, figure I should know more than just the name of the person I’m hooking up with.”

“Didn’t seem to care that much about anything else in that closet,” Iori smirked. You rolled your eyes, wondering if it was too late to get your food to go.

“Maybe I don’t wanna just sit here in silence the whole night,” you snapped, “But if you’re gonna be a dick about it…”

“Alright, alright,” Iori put his hands up, “Just having some fun.”

Clearly the two of you had very different definitions of fun.

“What do you wanna know?”

You shrugged, “Whatever you think is important.”

“Hmm, well I went to the University-”

“No,” you shook your head, “That I know.”

“A man can’t be proud of his accomplishments?” he questioned.

“He can, but this isn’t about what you’re proud of, it’s about you,” you reminded him, “What about your family?”

You were still a little curious about him and his father. You knew Kyohei said it was like that a lot, but you were wondering just how bad it was. If he would even tell you.

“Well you met my dad,” he replied simply.

You sensed he was guarded, which didn’t really surprise you. It seemed like a touchy subject and you weren’t exactly someone he had a history of confiding in. “I wouldn’t exactly say met,” you said, “More like he grunted in my direction and then completely ignored me.”

“That’s as good as meeting him,” Iori sighed, “Better off keeping your distance from him. I wish I could.” Iori paused, almost like he surprised himself with his own words. “That probably sounds really shitty.”

“No I get it,” you shook your head, “I wouldn’t put my dad up for father of the year award either.”

“Why’s that?”

“Well my parents divorced,” you began, “Shortly after he started a new family and had more kids. I guess he was so busy being a father to them he forgot about his first child.”

It felt kind of weird to be so personal with Iori, but it was also kind of natural. Maybe it was because he would understand the crappy dad struggle, but it was easy to open up to him about it, even if it was something you didn’t talk to most about.

“Sounds like an asshole,” Iori replied.

From anyone else you would have thought it was just a half-assed response because they didn’t know what to say, but from Iori… it was comforting. It was sincere, you knew he understood.

“You got that right,” you sighed, reaching for your glass, “Here’s to surviving shitty dads.” Iori laughed, picking up his glass and clinking it against yours.

From there, the conversation flowed a lot more naturally. Who knew all it took was bad father figures to bring people together? You learned Iori had a younger brother and their mom left when he was younger. The only thing he knew how to cook in any fashion was scrambled eggs.

“Okay maybe I’m using the term cook loosely,” he chuckled at himself.

You were also laughing a lot more than you thought you would. Iori was funny when he wasn’t being an ass. It was pretty easy to bounce off him, your sense of humor jiving really well. You even found your walls coming down a bit as you told him more about yourself. You think this was the longest you’ve ever talked to him without someone making a snide comment or an argument starting.

“Hope you enjoyed your date,” your waitress smiled, placing the check down.

“It’s not a date,” you both replied immediately.

Your faces flushed red, the waitress laughing lightly and apologizing. An innocent comment, but it made the energy shift, injecting an awkwardness between the two of you that had finally dissipated.

“Let’s go,” Iori huffed, tossing down money on the table. You both jumped up, making a beeline for the door. Once outside, you both turned to each other, hovering on the sidewalk. Not even the din of the city street could eat through the tense silence.

It sort of did feel like a date, at least right now it did. It was like he had walked you to your door after a night out and now you were both waiting for someone to make a move. You could practically feel the pull towards him, wondering how bad a kiss could be.

“Kyohei would be proud we didn’t kill each other,” you blurted out suddenly, trying to banish that thought from your mind.

“Your hand got close to that knife a few times, honestly it had me sweating,” Iori joked, though there was a hint of tenseness in his voice.

“Not to worry, if I was gonna kill you it wouldn’t be in public like that.” God what were you saying? He probably thought you sounded crazy… and since when did you care about how you sounded to Iori.

“So it would be a bad idea to ask you to come back to my place?” Iori asked. You eye him suspiciously. That was a trap, right? He wanted to see if you were interested in coming back with him so he could tease you about wanting to fuck him or something.

“But the other guys…” your voice trailed off. It was the safest thing to say until you knew if he was for real.

“The guys are not there and Kyohei got a hotel room this time,” Iori told you, “Something about wanting some privacy from an annoying roommate?” A crooked smile played at his lips as he spoke.

“I know the struggle,” you chuckled. It got quiet again and you realized he was waiting for an answer. “Sure I’ll go back to your place… I’ve got nothing better to do.” You added the last part to not seem too eager.

“Pfft, I’m the best thing you could do,” he smirked.

You rolled your eyes, pushing past him, “We’ll see about that.”

Iori followed behind you and you were happy to not have to make conversation. What did two people who didn’t like each other talk about on their way to have sex with each other? You certainly didn’t know.

No feelings, just sex. No feelings, just sex.

You reminded yourself as you walked up to the house. It was weird, you’d never planned to have sex before, it had always just happened. You were entering uncharted territory and you wondered if it would be different.

Your mind wasn’t able to wander too long, the second you were through the door Iori was pulling you on to him. Your lips crashed together, tripping over each other as you made your way to the bedroom. You fell to the bed on top of each other, hands slipping under each other’s shirts. The clothes came off quickly, piling up on the floor. His hand slid between your legs, rubbing at your still-clothed pussy. You could tell by the smirk on his face you were soaked through them.

“Been a while since I made you cum on my fingers,” he mused, sliding your underwear down your legs, “I seem to recall you enjoying that.”

“It was okay,” you voice strained as he ran a finger up your slit. He slipped a finger into you, relishing how your back arched at his touch. He pumped his fingers into you as you writhed beneath him.

“That’s it baby, fuck my fingers,” Iori coaxed as you rolled your hips. It almost got past you that he called you baby. Almost. You decided to compartmentalize that and address it later - the pressure building between your legs making it too difficult to think of anything else anyway.

Your orgasm hit you seconds after his thumb found your clit. “Fuck,” you cried out, not expecting the pleasure that was suddenly lighting up every nerve ending in your body.

“As good as I remember,” Iori smirked, stepping back to rid himself of his own clothing. You rubbed your thighs together as you watched him strip down to his boxers, antsy to have him inside you.

Iori’s eyes locked on to yours, making your stomach do a flip. A sudden wave of anxiety rushed over you. God the way he was looking at you, it was different. It felt weird, but right, yet also so wrong. His fingertips ghosting across your thighs was just too… intimate. Like yes sex was an intimate act in general, but it was just… too much. You weren’t like that with Iori. You couldn’t be like that with Iori.

You flipped yourself over, getting on your hands and knees. “Take me like this,” you demanded, wiggling your ass at him. You wanted the least romance as possible.

Iori didn’t seem to mind. “Oh- fuck - yeah okay.” You heard him say before you felt the bed sink under the weight of his body. The head of his cock teased at your entrance, coating himself in your wetness.

“Don’t fucking tease,” you hissed as the throbbing between your legs grew to be near unbearable.

“Needy one tonight,” he replied, his hands finding your hips.

“Oh,” you let out a low gasp as Iori pushed inside you. The new angle allowed him to press deeper into you, making your eyes roll back even after just a few strokes.

“God you feel so fucking good right now,” Iori groaned between the slaps of your hips meeting.

“Harder,” you told him, ignoring that sort of compliment from Iori. That was a rarity from him and you didn’t want to play into it too much. A compliment was too close to intimate.

Suddenly there was a hand in your hair, yanking your head back. You let out a sharp moan as Iori followed your instructions, pounding into you. “You like when I fuck you like this? You want me to be rough with you?” he growled nipping at your ear. That’s definitely not romantic and it’s perfect.

“Yeah - fuck- give it to me Iori,” you moaned, pressing back on him further. He gripped your hips tighter and you could practically feel the bruises forming. The two of you fell silent, the sound of your wetness as Iori fucked you filling the room. It was borderline pornographic sounding but it was so hot.

You were close, but you needed more. You reached down, rubbing fast circles over your clit.

“Are you touching yourself? Fuck that’s so hot,” Iori said breathlessly.

You couldn’t even get a response out, hit with a second orgasm. All your muscles tensed before relaxing in a euphoric release. You gripped his sheets, desperate for something to hold onto as he fucked you through your high. Iori was right there with you, his cock twitching inside you as he came.

Iori slid out of you when you both finished and you let out a soft gasp from the loss of contact. He got up and you began to shift through the clothes on the floor, looking for yours. Iori pulled on sweats and a shirt, flopping down on the bed as you got redressed.

“Stay,” his voice was so soft you almost didn’t hear it. You turned around, finding a very sleepy Iori batting his eyes at you. Did he really just… That was a bad idea. A really bad idea.

Yet there you were, pulling your jeans back off, leaving you in just your underwear and the shirt you came in. You crawled into bed next to him, the warmth of his body slightly putting your nerves at ease. This is wrong, you thought, but god it feels right.

“_____?” Iori murmured from behind you. He scooted closer to you, becoming your big spoon.

“Yeah?” you replied, not looking back at him.

“I..” his voice trailed off and for a second you thought he had fallen asleep, “I hate you still.”

You couldn’t help but laugh lightly as your stomach filled with butterflies. It was stupid, but the way he said it, the pure fondness in the tone of his voice told you that isn’t what he meant.

“I hate you too,” you repeated the contrary sentiment clear in your voice.

Iori’s arms tightened around you as you both drifted to sleep without another word.

SITS Masterlist

Hia! I always feel happy when I see one of your posts pop up on here c: why do you like Khadgar?

*Stares into space* OH GOD THIS IS gonna probably be a long post. HERE WE GO.So uh. I always really like Karazhan and the lore around it, hardcore fell in love with Medivh and pretty much ANYTHING in game that was connected I ate it up. I got the urn, the keys, all the rings, all the rep, you name it. I tried SO HARD to get Atiesh from the old Naxx but that didn’t happen. (I AM STILL SAD ABOUT THAT.) So that was -kind of- the start. In order for the next part to make sense, need to sidestep and backtrack a wee bit for context.Not to be all sob story, but I gotta be honest, I spent most of my childhood alone (either outside or in my room), reading, playing out epic stories with my toys, exploring the outdoors, and most of my social interactions with people I was either being bullied by kids at school or my mother. And y’know, despite all the stories I read or watched on t.v it was a loooong while before there were characters that made me go….”Holy SHIT I know what that’s like!?” Like there was a difference, to me, between characters like Michelangelo and Beetlejuice that I REALLY WANTED to hang out with, and then a character that made me go….”I know exactly how that character feels. What happened to them, happened to me.”Digimon was the show that broke that mold for me when not only were there two characters who had DIVORCED PARENTS!??? Like me, there was a girl who had a REALLY BAD and unhealthy relationship with her mother. (But she was still powered by love, which was awesome.)This kinda started getting me into other stuff because the more characters I found that I could relate to, the easier it was to explain how I felt to strangers and it made friend finding a little bit easier. FAST FORWARDING A LITTLE BIT.

So I certainly have a character -type- that I relate to the most. And it’s chaotic bookwork with anxiety. Fun fact: I am always dubbed “the twilight sparkle” of friend groups IRL because I was always, ALWAYS the one who was solving friendship problems and I did that looong before the show. OOPH. THE BIG PROBLEM. Was that it was getting to the point where all the chaotic bookworms were either: Evil, female (and I love gals, but that’s not my gender identity ORZ), or like. largely hated by the fandom and were always mocked.Or some combination.SO LIKE. Hey, I get introduced to Medivh and his TOWER OF BOOKS and all that shit and it’s like “Fuck yeah sign me up bro, living alone? Shitty mom? I feel you.” But then, y’know. He was a wee bit possessed and not. Exactly the good guy SO THERE WAS THAT.And then. There was Khadgar.I hadn’t been able to find the last guardian book yet, though I had read about the lore highlights online so I was familiar and stuff.And then WoD came out. And Khadgar! Was doing stuff! Which got me excited because it was more of the Lore that I really liked, and during MoP, I was hardcore going…”THE LEGION IS COMING BAAAACK. I JUST KNOW IT. CAUSE WE DIDN’T KILL KJ. SKREE.” I got called crazy and stupid a few times BUT HEY. Jokes on you fuckers I was *right*.Anyways!That first quest chain into Tannan rolls in. And it’s just. Khadgar. Being Khadgar. “Well, then I guess we owe you one.” scene hit every…“Oh fucking god bless Khadgar for the sarcastic sass”Because I really enjoy sarcasm and it’s more obvious in voice chat or in-person but my sass rhythm and tone, especially if I’m ranting is veeery similar to Khadgar’s sass.And then the PUNS. Listen. *Listen*. I hear an opportunity for a pun and I have to take it. I have to. If I try to hold it in my face starts smiling like the Cheshire cat and I sometimes let out a high pitched “eeeeeee” until given permission. After that quest chain, I quickly noticed that no one had rolled a Khadgar blog. No one! And well, I was all about having a blog where I could be free to make jokes all the time. IIRC, my first post was…”The party has arrived~!” Or something like that. I honestly didn’t expect much to happen cause I didn’t have any friends or anything like that and all the wow blogs all pretty much had their followings already and I was uh…a WEE BIT ALONE. But I was like “well even if this blog doesn’t go off I’ll at least have an outlet where I can just be me where no one will harass me.”Cause gotta be honest, I’ve never been well-liked. There was never a place for bookworms who liked puns and had anxiety in the world I lived in. If I acted like myself I was hated, and in order to fit in, I had to be someone else, which was a ditzy stupid, lazy girl. I wasn’t allowed to be trans, (still not back in Maine), or smart, and….yeah.  But hey! On tumblr, I can RP a male character that had my same sense of humor and sass and BE MYSELF and NOT BE A GIRL and all my IRL haters wouldn’t be able to stop me.And then uh, A THING HAPPENED. I no longer have the original blog because of reasons I’ll mention later, so I CAN’T REMEMBER who first started sending me asks but I know @kiyastrasza was one of them (she passed away suddenly a few months ago and I miss her SO MUCH.) But then like, I DON’T KNOW. I know I got a few initial asks because “fuck yeah finally a khadgar blog”  and honestly, I thought my blog was rubbish because it was 80% me just being my sassy nerd self and 20% studying his word usage for more serious things and getting my hands on every scrap of Khadgar related lore.”So I fully expected to get called out on being canon divergent or a shitty Khadgar or SOMETHING. Or have people ONCE AGAIN be like….”This character archetype is annoying and stupid and we all fucking hate him and hate you for rping him.”But that didn’t happen. In fact the EXACT OPPOSITE HAPPENED.My ask box kept getting filled with puns to be approved, rhyming his name with stuff became a thing and now even BLIZZ says “Dadgar” like jfc what even.And then like. I don’t even know, a lot of it is a blur because it all happened so fast but the BIGGEST THING.Was that for the first time ever, being myself wasn’t met with bullying and hate and people telling me to shut up and go away or anything like that.People -loved- Khadgar in-game. And people -loved- finding a Khadgar blog that “when I read their posts I can hear Khadgar’s voice”.  And better yet? KHADGAR WASN’T A VILLAIN! (Don’t get me wrong, I loooove AU’s but imagine being a kid and you can only ever connect to villains and then people hate you anyways IT DOESN’T FEEL TOO GREAT).And uh. Yeah. I don’t really know where to go with this. But yeah! It was the first time where I felt like nothing was wrong with who I was. That there was nothing wrong with being book smart and having a sense of humor and looking death in the face and just eye-rolling and going “Well aiight.”I mean hell yeah there’s been an epic shit ton of drama with people being jealous and making shit up and who the hell even knows what any of that was about anymore, and there’s still plenty of bullshit in my life keeping me otherwise miserable and I’m getting really frustrated that every goal I try to accomplish gets utterly destroyed in some way and I’m currently an emotional husk and I 100% HAVE NOT been myself lately as I’m a mix of grieving and severely hurt and physically ill and I’ve been broken pretty damn hard and when I pull myself back together it’s probably going to be like. 11th Doctor just turning into cranky 12 and not being pleasant BUT. The muse is still strong, the muse is honestly probably the strongest thing about me. Not because I think that I’m actually, really Khadgar and that’s ME you’re talking to in game and Azeroth is real, etc, etc. But it’s strong because that type of muse was already something that was effortless for me and part of my personality foundation. And before the blog it was withering away and crumbling and I had no self-love to keep it going anymore and then the blog happened, and even though I still have 0 self-love, I genuinely hate myself, the love from others healed it, and my love for the character, I think, is my subconscious finding a weird loophole to get around the self-hate because I CAN’T HATE KHADGAR, and fucking hell whenever I make a pun irl and someone is a shithead about it or calls me annoying over voice chat, my brain is like. “Yeah, but if Khadgar were real. He’d laugh.” And eventually, it’s like….”OKAY FINE. IT WAS FUNNY. THAT PERSON IS JUST A SHITHEAD.” I can’t remember where I was going with that. Uhhhhhh……SOMETHING SOMETHING.I absolutely hate myself and feel as if I’m undeserving of love because I’m a horrible, broken person that makes stupid mistakes and is only good for hurting others and being a bitchB U TI hate myself a little bit less when I RP a character, like Khadgar, that lines up with one of my personality foundations, and the general response to it is people loving it and telling them I make them happy.  I’ve still had more hate directed at me in the past (and sadly the present) than I have love. But uh. It doesn’t take much love to get me all sappy and crying and happy.  (Hate is a tossup, a lot of hate I can take but certain, specific things will strike me hard and fast).SO LIKE. Uh. I know the majority of my foundation at the moment is either destroyed or heavily damaged, cause I’ve also been heckin angry a lot lately and I don’t know how to deal with that at all since it’s something new so a lot of my foundation wasn’t protected against that, and I’ve certainly died emotionally a few times more this year than my normal rate of it taking a couple years or more to emotionally die and regenerate. BUT THE PART that’s still holding fast and bouncing off all the negative self-destructive shit is because of Khadgar, and all 1,297 of you (give or take) that’ve either stuck with this blog since the beginning and through a blog deletion and change or have come recently. That send in everything from ARCANE MEAT to puns, to AU ideas to random nice things SO UH. This is turning into an awkward unexpected thank you, to all of you. dashjkIt’s more than likely that I will live the rest of my life absolutely hating myself, and it’s possible that the rest of my foundations may never heal or be repaired. Even though I can easily attach some of them to characters like Khadgar for the most part, I just….eh. I dunno. No outlet and it’s not prompted ever and…it hurts still cause they’re broken. Which, eh, whatever, healing can’t be forced or half-assed, cause you can’t expect a broken leg to heal as fast as a papercut, all you can do is wait and let things heal or you’ll make it worse, but then obviously you can’t heal EVERYTHING otherwise no one would ever be disabled, but REGARDLESS.I may always hate myself. But I’ll always love Khadgar. And YOU guys love Khadgar. And you enjoy me rping Khadgar. So then I guess MAAAAYBE.It helps. With making it worth. Sticking around for a little bit longer.  :T

Hate to Love You Part 7

Part 1  Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6

Summary: You and Jimmy have never gotten along. To say you hated each other would be an understatement. But when a night at a party takes an unexpected turn, things between the two of you change forever. Word Count:2,804 yeehaw the longest part so far hope it was worth the wait

Warnings: smut and just again the family shit is all fictional and not reflective of what I think jimmy’s family is like okay ty

In the days following you post-game hook up with Jimmy you felt... surprisingly good. Maybe it was the little mantra you adopted or an extra dose of wishful thinking, but you felt you had a good handle on yours and Jimmy’s relationship. Using the term relationship very loosely, of course.

You felt so good, in fact, that you didn’t even bat an eye when Brady asked you to go out to dinner with him, Gracia, and Jimmy. Gracia was heading back to Minnesota tomorrow and she wanted to see everyone before she went home. You were more than happy to oblige, paying no mind to Jimmy being in attendance.

When you arrived at the restaurant, the hostess informed you part of your party was already there. You were excited to join Brady and Gracia, but that was not who you found at the table the waitress dropped you off at.

“Oh, it’s you,” Jimmy commented as you sat down across from him.

“Nice to see you too,” you grumbled, checking the time. You had been running late yourself, so Brady and Gracia were extra late. Brady was never late... well at least when he was with Gracia. Left to his own devices he’s been known to stroll in well beyond the agreed upon time, but with Gracia around they were always on time. An awkward silence fell between the two of you as you waited for your friends to arrive.God I hope they come soon.

Like clockwork, both of your phones went off. It was a message from Brady.

Hey guys so sorry. Gracia’s feeling really sick, we are going to have to cancel

You let out a groan. You traveled all the way across the city to get to this restaurant and you hadn’t bothered picking up any food for tonight since you planned on eating out. Trekking all the way back to your place just to be met by an empty fridge was not ideal.

You and Jimmy looked up at each as if to say, ‘now what?’

“Fuck it,” Jimmy said finally, picking up a menu, “I’m hungry and I’m staying. Stay if you want.”

You picked up the menu, telling him, “I’m staying for the food, not the company.” Jimmy half grunted, before you both buried your heads into the menus. That made it easy, you had something to shield yourself from him. You were able to occupy yourself with reading the selection of food, making the silence slightly less awkward. However, the waitress eventually came, taking your orders and the menus along with them. With no barrier between the two of you, you were forced to look at each other.

You decided you weren’t about to sit an uncomfortable for an entire meal, but you had know idea what to say. Did you and Jimmy even have anything in common? You really didn’t know. You guessed that would be a good start...

“You know I really don’t know anything about you,” you said, settling back into your seat. You had a feeling it was going to be an interesting night.

“I think you made a point to not know anything about me,” Jimmy replied, raising a brow at you. Fair point.

“Maybe so,” you replied, “But now I am making a point to know.”

“And where is this sudden interest coming from?” he questioned, taking a sip of his water.

Of course he wasn’t going to make this easy. “I don’t know, figure I should know more than just the name of the person I’m hooking up with.”

“Didn’t seem to care that much about anything else in that closet,” Jimmy smirked. You rolled your eyes, wondering if it was too late to get your food to go.

“Maybe I don’t wanna just sit here in silence the whole night,” you snapped, “But if you’re gonna be a dick about it...”

“Alright, alright,” Jimmy put his hands up, “Just having some fun.” Clearly the two of you had very different definitions of fun. “What do you wanna know?”

You shrugged, “Whatever you think is important.”

“Hmm, well I went to Harv-”

“No,” you shook your head, “That I know.” Jimmy made sure everyone he met knew that, regardless of how much or little he liked them.

“A man can’t be proud of his accomplishments?” he questioned.

“He can, but this isn’t what you’re proud of it’s about you,” you reminded him, “What about your family?” You were still a little curious about him and his father. You knew Brady said it was like that a lot, but you were wondering just how bad it was. If he would even tell you.

“Well you met my dad,” he replied simply. You sensed he was guarded, which didn’t really surprise you. It seemed like a touchy subject and you weren’t exactly someone he had a history of confiding in.

“I wouldn’t exactly say met,” you said, “More like he grunted in my direction and then completely ignored me.”

“That’s as good as meeting him,” Jimmy sighed, “Better off keeping your distance from him. I wish I could.” Jimmy paused, almost like he surprised himself with his own words. “That probably sounds really shitty.”

“No I get it,” you shook your head, “I wouldn’t put my dad up for father of the year award either.”

“Why’s that?”

“Well my parents divorced when I was really little,” you began, “Shortly after he started a new family and had more kids. I guess he was so busy being a father to them he forgot about his first child.” It felt kind of weird to be so personal with Jimmy, but it was also kind of natural. Maybe it was because he would understand the crappy dad struggle, but it was easy to open up to him about it, even if it was something you didn’t talk to most about.

“Sounds like an asshole,” Jimmy replied. From anyone else you would have thought it was just a half-assed response because they didn’t know what to say, but from Jimmy... it was comforting. It was sincere, you knew he understood.

“You got that right,” you sighed, reaching for your glass, “Here’s to surviving shitty dads.” Jimmy laughed, picking up his glass and clinking it against yours.

From there, the conversation flowed a lot more naturally. Who knew all it took was bad father figures to bring people together? You learned Jimmy was the oldest of three and was really close with his mom. The only thing he knew how to cook in any fashion was gingerbread cookies.

“Okay maybe I’m using the term cook loosely,” he chuckled at himself, “I help my mom put the ingredients together and mix for her. She says I’m the only one strong enough to give the batter the good mix it needs.”

“You lost me when you said you cook gingerbread cookies,” you told him, “You bake cookies not cook them.”

“Then they shouldn’t be called cookies,” Jimmy defended himself. “Besides, what really matters is the decorating contest we have after and I almost always win that.” You laughed, thinking of Jimmy extremely concentrated on piping icing onto a little gingerbread man.

You also learned more about his siblings and how his brother also playing hockey created one chaotic household. It created a rivalry that wasn’t always the healthiest - egged on by their dad surprise surprise- but they’ve calmed down since. Now they’re both just trying to help each other get better. It was also really sweet to hear him talk about his little sister, who he worried about being away at school.

“I just don’t want any douche bad guys messing with her.”

“So she should stay away from every guy like you?” you teased.

“Oh absolutely.”

You were also laughing a lot more than you thought you would. Jimmy was funny when he wasn’t being an ass. It was pretty easy to bounce off him, your sense of humor jiving really well. You even found your walls coming down a bit as you told him more about yourself. You think this was the longest you’ve ever talked to him with someone making a snide comment or an argument starting.

“Hope you enjoyed your date,” your waitress smiled, placing the check down.

“It’s not a date,” you both replied immediately. Your faces flushed red, the waitress laughing lightly and apologizing. An innocent comment, but it made the energy shift, injecting an awkwardness between the two of you that had finally dissipated. 

“Let’s go,” Jimmy huffed, tossing down money on the table. You both jumped up, making a beeline for the door. Once outside, you both turned to each other, hovering on the sidewalk. Not even the din of the city street could eat through the tense silence.

It sort of did feel like a date, at least right now it did. It was like he had walked you to your door after a night out and now you were both waiting for someone to make a move. You could practically feel the pull towards him, wondering how bad a kiss could be.

“Brady would be proud we didn’t kill each other,” you blurted out suddenly, trying to banish that thought from your mind.

“Your hand got close to that knife a few times, honestly it had me sweating,” Jimmy joked, though there was a hint of tenseness in his voice.

“Not to worry, if I was gonna kill you it wouldn’t be in public like that.” God what were you saying? He probably thought you sounded crazy… and since when did you care about how you sounded to Jimmy.

“So it would be a bad idea to ask you to come back to my place?” Jimmy asked. You eye him suspiciously. That was a trap, right? He wanted to see if you were interested in coming back with him so he could tease you about wanting to fuck him or something.

“Brady and Garcia...” your voice trailed off. It was the safest thing to say until you knew if he was for real.

“Gracia got a hotel room this time,” Jimmy told you, “Something about wanting some privacy from an annoying roommate?” A crooked smile played at his lips as he spoke.

“I know the struggle,” you chuckled. It got quiet again and you realized he was waiting for an answer. “Sure I’ll go back to your place... I’ve got nothing better to do.” You added the last part to not seem too eager.

“Pfft, I’m the best thing you could do,” he smirked.

You rolled your eyes, pushing past him, “We’ll see about that.” Jimmy followed behind you and you were happy to not have to make conversation. What did two people who didn’t like each other talk about on their way to have sex with each other? You certainly didn’t know.

No feelings, just sex. No feeling, just sex.

You reminded yourself as the elevator climbed to Jimmy’s floor. You both kept your eyes forward, fidgeting anxiously as each floor passed. It was weird, you’d never planned to have sex before, it had always just happened. You were entering uncharted territory and you wondered if it would be different.

Your mind wasn’t able to wander too long, the second you were through the door Jimmy’s was pulling you on to him. Your lips crashed together, tripping over each other as you made your way to the bedroom. 

You fell to the bed on top of each other, hands slipping under each other’s shirts. The clothes came off quickly, piling up on the floor. His hand slid between your legs, rubbing at your still-clothed pussy. You could tell by the smirk on his face you were soaked through them.

“Been a while since I made you cum on my fingers,” he mused, sliding your underwear down your legs, “I seem to recall you enjoying that.”

“It was okay,” you voice strained as he ran a finger up your slit. He slipped a finger into you, relishing how your back arched at his touch. He pumped his fingers into you as you wriggled beneath him.

“That’s it baby, fuck my fingers,” Jimmy coaxed as you rolled your hips. It almost got past you that he called you baby. Almost. You decided to compartmentalize that and address it later - the pressure building between your legs making it too difficult to think of anything else anyway.

Your orgasm hit you seconds after his thumb found your clit. “Fuck,” you cried out, not expecting the pleasure that was suddenly lighting up every nerve ending in your body.

“As good as I remember,” Jimmy smirked, stepping back to rid himself of his own clothing. You rubbed your thighs together as you watched him strip down to his boxers, antsy to have him inside you.

Jimmy’s eyes locked on to yours, making your stomach do a flip. A sudden wave of anxiety rushed over you. God the way he was looking at you, it was different. It felt weird, but right, yet also so wrong. His fingertips ghosting across your thighs was just too... intimate. Like yes sex was an intimate act in general, but it was just... too much. You weren’t like that with Jimmy. You couldn’t be like that with Jimmy.

You flipped yourself over, getting on your hands and knees. “Take me like this,” you demanded, wiggling your ass at him. You wanted the least romance as possible.

Jimmy didn’t seem to mind. “Oh- fuck - yeah okay.” You heard him rummaging behind you, presumably for a condom, before you felt the bed sink under the weight of his body. The head of his cock teased at your entrance, coating himself in your wetness.

“Don’t fucking tease,” you hissed as the throbbing between your legs grew to be near unbearable. 

“Needy one tonight,” he replied, his hands finding your hips.

“Oh,” you let out a low gasp as Jimmy pushed inside you. The new angle allowed him to press deeper into you, making your eyes roll back even after just a few strokes.

“God you feel so fucking good right now,” Jimmy groaned between the slaps of your hips meeting.

“Harder,” you told, ignoring that sort of compliment from Jimmy. That was a rarity from him and you didn’t want to play into it too much. A compliment was too close to intimate. 

Suddenly there was a hand in your hair, yanking your head back. You let out a sharp moan as Jimmy followed your instructions, pounding into you. “You like when I fuck you liked this? You want me to be rough with you?” he growled nipping at your ear. That’s definitely not romantic and it’s perfect.

“Yeah - fuck- give it to me Jimmy,” you moaned, pressing back on him further. He gripped your hips tighter and you could practically feel the bruises forming. The two of you fell silent, the sound of your wetness as Jimmy fucked your filling the room. It was borderline pornographic sounding but it was so hot.

You were close, but you needed more. You reached back, rubbing fast circles over your clit. “Are you touching yourself? Fuck that’s so hot,” Jimmy said breathlessly. 

You couldn’t even get a response out, hit with a second orgasm. All your muscles tensed before relaxing in a euphoric release. You gripped his sheets, desperate for something to hold onto as he fucked you through your high. Jimmy was right there with you, his cock twitching inside you as he came.

Jimmy slid out of you when you both finished and you let out a soft gasp from the loss of contact. He got up to toss the condom away and you began to shift through the clothes on the floor, looking for yours. Jimmy pulled on sweats and a tee, flopping down on the bed as you got redressed.

“Stay,” his voice was so soft you almost didn’t hear it. You turned around, finding a very sleepy Jimmy batting his eyes at you. Did he really just... That was a bad idea. A really bad idea.

Yet there you were, pulling your jeans back off, leaving you in just your underwear and the shirt you came in. You crawled into bead next to him, the warmth of his body slightly putting your nerves at ease. This is wrong, you thought, but god it feels right.

“Y/n?” Jimmy murmured from behind you. He scooted closer to you, becoming your big spoon.

“Yeah?” you replied, not looking back at him.

“I..” his voice trailed off and for a second you thought he had fallen asleep, “I hate you still.” You couldn’t help but laugh lightly as your stomach filled with butterflies. It was stupid, but the way he said it, the pure fondness in the tone of his voice told you that isn’t what he meant.

“I hate you too,” you repeated the contrary sentiment clear in your voice. Jimmy’s arms tightened around you as you both drifted to sleep without another word.

On loss:

So the last month or so, a LOT of what I've been struggling with has been cleared up for me and I got meds to deal with a MAJOR cause of my issues, and am better able to understand why a lot of things in my life are the way they are, but one thing I couldn't figure out (and watching a memorial episode for an actor in a series he played in and crying my eyes out the whole 45 minutes triggered the thoughts about it) was why I struggle so much with grief.

Now grief is a weird as fuck thing, and I looked for answers in a lot of places, figured it out a couple times before realizing nope, that ain't it, before finally talking it out with my therapist.

Grief is weird, and no one deals with it the same way, but it's pretty difficult to deal with when you don't seem to be dealing with it at all.

When my grandpa died, I was kinda shocked, and suddenly really focused. I was really fucking annoyed when my teacher tried to make me feel guilty for not attending a school event even though I couldn't attend because my grandpa's funeral was on that day. A lotnof things suddenly seemed like they didn't matter anymore. My grandpa was my idol, and you'd expect I'd be crushed by his death, especially since I cried myself sick over the death of a duckling, and over not getting to go horse riding even though my dad promised me, and over the almost-death of an animal in a movie. All at around the same age. If I could be that damn sad over such little things, why couldn't I be sad over my literal idol dying, the one person in my life that got me and completely supported my every nutty endeavor and whim.

I felt so guilty. Did I just not care? Was I only pretending? Was I a psychopath? Was I crazy? What is so wrong with me that I can't seem to mourn my own grandpa? Am I selfish? Inhuman? Why don't feel sad?

Now it should be noted that I struggle with depression and anxiety pretty frequently (due to some undiagnosed things fucking up my life and people continually telling me I was just lazy, there's nothing wrong with me, I should just try harder and me burning myself out trying my absolute fucking hardest but never being enough) and that at the time of my grandpa's death (who had been getting worse and worse for months due to cancer) I was stuck in the worst depressive episode to date, and actively having suicidal thoughts.

All that contributed to this massive numbness I continually felt in between random bursts of complete and utter rage, but when I got the news, I was talking to a family friend about why I wanted to be an actress and actually doing my homework for once half an hour later. For the first time in my life, I felt NORMAL, and it was right after the most important person in my life died.

How could I feel so okay with it? Why was the only thing even remotely making me feel something the pain other people experienced at his death, people who almost definitely didn't idolize and care about my grandpa nearly as much as I did? What was wrong with me? WHY WASN'T something wrong with me?

It took months before I actually felt ANYTHING about his death, and even then it was some sadness and a general fear of death for the 6 minutes it took to listen to a song about a departed mother and tell both my parents how much I love them. After that I all but forgot about my grandpa. I missed him sometimes, I missed him when we re-did his house to put it on the market, I missed him when I ate eclairs (toffee with a chocolate paste center if you don't know it) for the first time after he died, I missed him when I had orange flavored baked pudding (he gave it to me every year on my birthday and though everyone says he baked it himself, including him, the container he bought it is is a clear indication of the fact that he bought it instead) in my first year of university and again when my friend invited me to her house because I couldn't go home for my birthday and her mom baked me oramge pudding. I miss him now as I type this and every time I hear arrie wadetchi (probably some really twisted version of some germanic greeting but he used to say it every time I went home from a visit and it was eventually shortened to arrie warrie) which is not extremely frequently but surprisingly still being said. I missed him when my grandma (his divorced wife) married again, and when she started getting sick too. I missed him when my dad put up his coffee grinder in the kitchen, and when he took it down a month later because everyone kept walking into it and getting nasty bruises and the most swear words my childhood home ever heard occurred in that month. I miss him every time I see a station wagon. In between though, I don't miss him at all. And I couldn't figure out why I can mourn small losses so welk, but big losses just don't seem to affect me the same, or at all.

At first, I thought maybe I am a sociopath. Maybe I'm just so good faking emotions I fooled myself. Turns out that's not it, so maybe I'm healthy, and actually capable of dealing with my emotions, like one article suggested between the millions of articles calling me selfish. Nope, if I was good with dealing with my emotions I wouldn't be in therapy having someone else explain to me why the idea that everyone hates me is an irrational thought, and suggest I actually ASK people what they think of me if it bothers me so much. Maybe it's because I feel so damn deeply about everything amd had a pretty shitty fuckin life, and I'm so used to dealing with shitty crap that another shitty thing is just another inconvenience to add to the pile.

Or maybe, and this is what my therapist suggested, I was just dealing with so much emotional turmoil, and depression, and social anxiety, and having adhd but not knowing, or having meds, and constantly trying to accomplish the impossible feat of being perfect, and I just didn't have the emotional capacity to deal with it then, so my brain was like "yo, let's fix your other shit because this shit warrants your full attention" and am only able to deal with it now because my mental health (though not anywhere near perfect) is about 700% better than it was then, and I have the emotional capacity to deal with it. Which I did, I finally actually GRIEVED my grandpa's loss. I cried about it, remembered why I love him, I took about 17 minutes of the session just trying to process the fact that I'm human and can apparently actually experience grief, I just needed to figure out how. For the first time in my life, I felt for the death of my grandpa what I felt for the death of a damn duckling I knew for a day, and I have a lot of grief and loss to catch up on and work through, but at least now I know I'm not a sociopath, I just process things differently, which I always knew but never realized stretched as far a grief. I'm going to be okay, and not feeling sad for a significant loss right away is okay, and not feeling or expressing grief the way that's expected is okay. And if you can relate to this at all, I hope my story helped you figure it out, because by damn it took me about 7 years.

Phone tag for days

I got a message from the sister chat the other day during work about the passing of Joshua. I was taken aback at first, it was very surreal as he's only a year older than me and I've known him for as long as I can remember. He played such a big role in my childhood as I could say he was my first love in a way, my first boy next door school girl crush love. It was cute and silly honestly, I used to be so flustered by how cool and bad boy like he was. He was a good kid, just so lost and confused and he would let himself get dragged down by that. He was always getting into trouble and not learning his lesson, I remember hearing numerous times Mama H yelling at him for some dumb shit from across the cul-de-sac and we knew that she was wasting her breath because the boy would never listen.

He was trying to get his life together though, he had his baby boy and a steady job, I know he wanted to get himself in order.... He's just... Joshua. I was proud of him, anytime I saw or heard about him I was proud to hear how he was trying to get it all together.... I just hope that the autopsy doesn't come out saying it was self inflicted.

My parents and I played phone tag when I was at work trying to see if we could make it to his funeral, but ultimately they couldn't afford it. I had thought about going myself but than my father and I spoke while I was in the middle of making two lattes. I knew this conversation was coming and I had been preparing myself for it as I knew I needed to have it with him, D had been pushing for it as she and Faja spoke a bit more than any of us with him.

He had finished explaining how shitty he felt for not being able to be there for his best friend's sons funeral how Jason and Joshua had a fight and didn't make amends before he passed and how terrible he felt. That ate at Faja and he wanted to be there but he knew he couldn't afford it. I reassured him that Jason understood and that he wasn't mad about it, that he knows you are a call away and there for him no matter what.

He then carefully treaded into asking if I knew what was going on with him and mom and my thoughts. I explained that I did know, that the sister chat is always in action keeping everyone in the loop. He asked where I stood with mom and it all, I told a deep breath and said 'Honestly, my image of her changed when she blamed you for my overdose. I hated how much she threw that on you when you had absolutely nothing to do with it, it was my own fault and it was from mom and I fighting so damn much and hard and how I just didn't feel good enough for her.' I continued on and explained how I always knew they weren't happy and now that we're all grown and we don't really need to be parented anymore that it's time for them to focus on themselves and make themselves happy, which they clearly aren't. He said that they just don't get along anymore, that they stopped getting along and having things in common awhile ago and when he tried to talk about this with her at one point she just blew up on him and it created a feud.

It breaks my heart because I can just see Faja trying to talk to mom but her just shitting on him and ripping him apart.

I had looked to Char after the call and she looks at me and says 'JUST DIVORCE ALREADY!' And I was like 'Right? Thank you!' We then went about our day, she came over after work and I pitched going to Florida for our 4 day weekend from work and she said absolutely.

She's been such a damn good best friend, favorite person worthy. We are such opposites but we mesh so well, she allows me to release my crazy but also lets me sit when I get in my quiet moods. We've been having numerous girls nights from getting crossfaded and me kicking Ads and her ass at chugging shitty fruit beer so I could win first hit of the bong, to us flying down the highway headbanging to music back to the rainbow house. I'm moving in with her and E today and then we leave for Florida tomorrow for a few days.

I don't know what to expect from this trip, I just feel like I need to see everyone now because I feel like all hell will break loose after this. I feel like my sister's will be moving out soon and then mom and dad will be left with only each other and that could cause serious damage. I've accepted that their relationship is gone at this point, as shitty as that is, I understand that sometimes to fall out of love and sometimes you have to put your sword down, raise your white flag and walk away. I know I've been learning that lesson really hard watching this all play out.

No matter how much you love someone it doesn't mean they love you back. The quicker one learns that and learns to just walkaway the better.

Maybe it's watching my parents relationship fall apart this past month but I've definitely been feeling some growing pains recently. I've been feeling this unwanted feeling in me which has been fucking with my head a bit too much. I've been trying to work with it and get down to the root which has been oh so fun, I explained to Ads during a tarot reading that maybe it's time to just close the R book finally, it's absolutely not what I want but as I've looked in on my parents relationship it scares me to hold on. They say that patterns never change and maybe I will never get more than a unwanted, one sided feeling. I'm not saying he's the root of it, but I am saying that he's the only relationship type person in my life (A bitch is forever alone, what can I say? JK, I know I'll find love someday) I shouldn't feel so unwanted by it. As much as I have love for him and I love our history and how in-sync we were when we were together, I don't love the role he plays in my life as much right now. At moments it felt like we had great conversation but it felt more one sided. He's a wonderful man and I wish we could retry even just a friendship but he's made it clear in actions and lack there of that he doesn't want that and that leads to part of the unwanted feeling and I don't like that. Maybe it's our history that makes it too hard to move past that unwanted feeling because I had always sort of felt that with him, but I don't like being the only one to start and hold something as simple as a text conversation. I don't like being the only one to say things like 'I hope you are well and the job is going well!' and not even get a 'Thank you, I hope you are well as well!' back, that makes it all feel so one sided and I don't like it.

My father said he noticed when my mom stopped asking how his day was and how that hurt him because it showed her lack of care for his day to day life. I feel like I can understand that feeling, It felt like he only really cared if I spoke of Ana and Artie really, which I tried to reason about but I told myself to stop making excuses for him a long time ago. It's time to learn with my father and walk away when you know and feel you aren't loved and supported anymore. It's very sad, and I don't want to do it but actions speak louder when words aren't even spoken. I wish it played out differently, I had hoped that if he actually did end up in Oregon like Char and I are planning on doing that we could restart a friendship through texting and then become great friends or whatever again in Portland. It's sad I haven't learned my lesson on hoping things will work out with him yet, although I feel a small part of me will always hope and wonder. At least until someone shows me true love and wants to put effort into being with me. Now do I think he will actually end up in Portland? Maybe, I think he changes his mind so much and maybe even constantly doubting himself that it's hard for him to be confident with any choice he makes. I don't know what because he's smart as fuck and whatever he chooses to do wherever with whoever he will succeed because he has that drive to him to really accomplish whatever he puts his mind on, he just needs to stop doubting himself and his capabilities... Or maybe he's worked past that and he knows what he wants next and his next plan, maybe it is OR or Hawaii or maybe even Africa. I dunno, what I know is his mind was constantly changing from what I remember. I'm tired of trying to understand where I stand with him though, my swords been put down for a while but now I'm thinking it's time to walk away knowing that like all the times before he won't chase me and fucking try for once like I desperately wanted him to do many times. I think that says enough about how he views and values me. At least I know how I view and value myself though and in the end... You are all you have. It can get pretty lonely, but I guess that's why we get pets.