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avengerscompound · 4 years

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Running to a Standstill - 9

Running to a Standstill: A Captain America Fanfic

Masterlist PREVIOUS //

Buy me a ☕ Character Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Steve Rogers x F!Reader

Word Count: 1774

Rating: E

Warnings: sex talk

Synopsis: While on the run from an unknown organization trying to take your son, you meet two super-soldiers. While they try to help you get to the bottom of who is hunting you and your son, feelings come out and admissions are made that make your personal life even more tricky.

Chapter 9

When Steve left on a mission in the morning without coming to talk to you, the choice he had made seemed obvious to you. He’d been in love with Bucky since he was a teenager. He used Bucky as a baseline to judge every single person he was interested in. Yes, the two of you had been growing something, and you were most definitely falling in love with him. That wasn’t enough. He had chosen Bucky. It was obvious when you’d left them alone to talk. Steve being gone in the morning was just confirmation of what had been obvious.

That didn’t make it hurt any less. You had been falling in love with Steve. The two of you had started talking about future plans. What would happen after they got to the bottom of everything. What you both really wanted with your lives.

Maybe it was meant to be? At least that was what you were telling yourself as you moved your things back out of Steve’s room. You’d been having feelings for Bucky too, and really if you were supposed to be falling in love with one guy, maybe it wasn’t totally real if you were also crushing on his best friend too. You had to put it all aside. This was just a false start at your first try at dating again after the death of your husband. It was bound to happen.

You didn’t have time to cry. If you broke down in front of Geo it would upset him and he needed you to be strong because your strength was the only stability he had. You liked living with Steve. You liked how you’d made a little family unit start to happen, and you definitely didn’t want to let it go. There was always the possibility of trying to keep it. You could stay in Steve’s spare room with Geo. He’d offered it to you even before you were technically a couple. He was a good man, it could work at least for a little while. It would hurt seeing them move on together while you were just hanging onto scraps of affection. And worse, eventually, you would have to leave and the longer you waited, the stronger the bonds Geo got, and the worse it would hurt him when he lost them.

You needed to move on now. You’d wait until Steve got home, have the talk, and work out how you could move out.

The front door opened and closed, and you had a moment of panic. There was no way Steve could be back already. Your mind immediately went to someone coming to take Geo and you rushed out into the living room, to see Bucky and Geo rushing to him.

“Hey, bud,” Bucky said, picking Geo up.

“Hey, Buck,” you said. “Steve’s not here. He left first thing.”

“Yeah, I know,” Bucky said. “Don’t get me wrong, I love the guy, but he has been pulling the ‘run headlong into danger rather than be emotionally weak’ shit since the day we met. It’s gettin’ old.”

You snorted and shook your head. “Can I ask… how did the talk with him go last night?”

Bucky carried Geo into the kitchen. He took a Yoo-Hoo out and gave it to Geo. “You want a beer?” He asked.

You sighed and collapsed onto the couch. “You got anything harder?”

Bucky laughed and grabbed you both a beer and came and sat on the couch beside you, putting Geo on the ground, where he sat happily drinking his chocolate milk. You took the beer and drained half of it in one go.

“Hey relax,” Bucky said, putting his arm around you. “You asked me about it.”

“I know. And the longer you don’t answer the worse my head gets, which is stupid because you guys have known each other since you were children and you deserve a happy ending,” you explained. “But it still hurts.”

Bucky nodded and rubbed your arm. “We talked about how long we both felt like that. How dumb we were. Then I went to kiss him and he said he was in love with you and he needed time.”

You blinked up at him, your insides frozen. You had so expected him to tell you how they had admitted to each other how they’d been in love this whole time and to have been relieved they finally both knew. You’d expected that they’d have kissed and he’d tell Bucky that he’d tell you it was over. You hadn’t expected this at all. “Oh.”

“Yeah,” he said. “So he wasn’t just running away from dumping you. I don’t even know what he wants.”

“I’m sorry, Bucky,” you said, wrapping your arms around his neck. “You deserve better.”

He pressed his cheek against yours as his arms closed around you and took a deep breath. “Yeah. So do you. You deserve a happy ending too, you know? You’ve been through enough.”

You pulled back just a little. Just enough to look up into his stormy blue eyes. He returned your gaze and for a moment you forgot everything except how hurt you felt and how good Bucky was at alleviating that. Your eyes flicked to his lips, watching as they parted ever so slightly. He leaned in just a little and as you imagined what it would be like actually kissing him, everything came crashing home all at once. You pulled back and shook your head, placing your hand on his chest. “Sorry.”

Bucky shook his head too and ran his hand through his hair. “No. Right. I’m sorry. That was…”

“Yeah,” you agreed as you both moved to opposite ends of the couch. “This is all such a mess. Everything. I am starting to wish you’d both never met me.”

Bucky nodded and went to stand and you realized how hurtful what you just said must have sounded. You grabbed his metal hand and tugged it, coaxing him back into the seat. “Sorry. I didn’t mean that how it sounded,” you said. “I am glad I met you both. But I’ve fucked up your lives. And whoever it is hunting me found us. If I hadn’t met you, we’d still be on the run, but at least I’d have that routine. You guys wouldn’t have been dragged into my shit. I wouldn’t be fucking up whatever you have with each other.”

“Don’t,” Bucky said softly. “It’s not your fault and if it wasn’t for you, neither of us would have ever found out about each other. We’ll figure this out.”

You sighed and sunk back into the couch. It was nice to hear but you still couldn’t shake that feeling that it had you never met Bucky and Steve things wouldn’t be such a complete disaster right now. Geo put his now empty bottle on the ground and climbed up on the couch between the two of you.

“Bug-key,” he said, patting Bucky’s metal arm. “You wanna pway?”

“Okay, kiddo,” Bucky said. “You get the tablet.”

Geo climbed back down and toddled away to find the tablet Tony had given him.

“I do like you, Bucky,” you said.

Bucky looked over at you with his brow furrowed. “Why?”

You reached over and took his hand. “I don’t know what they did to you to make you doubt yourself the way you do,” you said. “But all I have seen is a guy who is sweet and gentle and with a killer sense of humor and who is a fantastic cook.”

“You just want me to make dinner,” Bucky said, picking up Geo when he returned. “I’m on to you.”

You laughed and Bucky and Geo started playing with a game on the tablet. You got up and went to the kitchen, Bucky’s little mention of dinner making you realize someone should get started on it.

“What is with two people saying they like me and then flinching when I try to kiss them?” Bucky called out to you. “That’s not great for the ego.”

“I gib you a kiss,” Geo said, standing up and kissing the ex-assassin on the cheek.

You and Bucky started laughing and Bucky cuddled the little boy. “Thank you, buddy. That makes me feel very special.”

“It’s a pity we can’t just all be together,” Bucky called out to you. “Would save some heartbreak.”

“Yeah, right,” you chuckled, as you put a pot of water on to boil. As you were cutting vegetables you started to wonder why you couldn’t all just be together. Natasha and Clint were a couple but they saw other people. They were one of the happiest couples you knew. Why couldn’t you do that too? If the three of all loved each other, then why couldn’t you just all be together. Maybe it might be a little strange to begin with, and maybe they had a connection that you didn’t, but you had your own thing with each of them too, and going from friends to lovers was hard. So regardless of what happened now, there would be hurdles to cross, you might as well try to make the most people happy while you were all crossing them.

You put down your knife and went back over to the couch, perching on the side of the chair. Bucky looked up from the game and tilted his head. “You get sick of cooking already?”

You shook your head. “Why can’t we?”

Bucky blinked at you, not quite being able to keep up with where your head was right now. “Why can’t we, what?”

“Why can’t we all be together?”

Bucky stared at you and Geo began to tug on his hand trying to get Bucky to pay attention to him again. “Bug-key…” hey whined.

“Hang on, bud,” Bucky said, pressing his chin on the top of Geo’s head and looking at you. “I … don’t … know…” he said. “Can we?”

“I mean… we couldn’t get married, but… yes? If we all agreed,” you replied, putting your hand on his. “We could.”

“We should… we need to talk to Steve,” Bucky said, slowly.

“Yeah, we should,” you agreed.

“We could actually do this,” Bucky said looking at you. “And I kinda want to kiss you right now.”

You smiled and pressed your forehead against his. “Gotta talk to Steve.”

He grinned and pulled back. You went to say something but realized you didn’t really know what. So instead you ruffled Geo’s hair and let Bucky go back to playing with him, returning to the kitchen. You couldn’t remember the last time you felt this nervous and excited.

// NEXT

#steve rogers #bucky barnes #steve rogers x reader #bucky barnes x reader #stucky #steve rogers x bucky barnes #stucky x reader #steve rogers x reader x bucky barnes #captain america fanfic #fanfic #fanfiction #reader insert #running to a standstill

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fanfic-me-up · 4 years

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Yoga with Bakugou Katsuki

Your weekly competition with archrival and secret crush, Bakugou Katsuki, takes a turn when you invite him to yoga class. Maybe your hope to become something more is not so one-sided after all?

Title: Winning in Downward Dog

Pairing: Bakugou Katsuki x fem!Reader

Warnings: Bakugou trying to be a flexible pretzel and failing 😂😂

Word Count: 2,696

a/n: This is basically a crack fic pls forgive me lol If you enjoy, pls like and reblog! 💖 You can request more here. Side note: For anyone wondering, this was originally posted on my first bnha blog, but that has since been deleted.

🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹

You’re currently pinned beneath Bakugou in the middle of a training exercise where you’re supposed to be on the SAME TEAM.

“Yield,” Bakugou says.

“Never,” you say.

It’s known in Class 1-A that you and Bakugou have a weekly competition where each of you pick a different activity to see who wins. This competition sometimes gets in the way of school. Most of the time you understood the concept of forgoing pride for the sake of education, but when it came to Bakugou fucking Katsuki you became equally hot-headed and stubborn.

Class 1-A groans in unison.

Midoriya raises his hand.

“Sensei, you’re going to erase their quirks, right?” He looks genuinely concerned.

“Ugh, I hope so! I don’t wanna be here all day. Again.” Mina complains.

You knee Bakugou, but he won’t budge. He smirks at your struggle.

“Tch. You have to do better than that, dumbass.”

He places more of his body weight so there’s no escape. You can’t help the flutter in your chest at the sudden closeness. He’s radiating pure heat and the faint aroma of caramel emanating off him does little to clear your head.

Yes. It’s true. You have a crush on the one person who’s more concerned with pinning you to the ground during a training exercise than pinning you down on his bed where you belong dammit!

“Can ya’ll wrap this up? Some of us have plans tonight!”

Of course Kaminari would interrupt your fantasy just when it gets to the good part.

“Chill, bro, the movie doesn’t start ‘til 7,” Kirishima says.

“Can I come?” Mineta asks.

“No.” The Bakusquad reply in unison.

You buck up against Bakugou. Your leg slips from his hold and you manage to wrap it around his waist, flipping him over. He grunts as his back hits the ground. You hear crackling, but before he can set off his quirk, you counterattack, leaving him with no opening.

Class 1-A collectively gasps as you pull an UNO reverse card. Cheers erupt from the girls at the same time the boys groan.

The class has an ongoing bet on who would win your competition at the end of the semester. Bakugou is ahead by one, but you might even the score today.

“You get ‘em girl!” Mina shouts.

“Awww dude way to let the boys down!” Kaminari shakes his head.

“Shut up, shitty hair!” Bakugou shouts.

He glares at the rest of the class, daring them to utter another word. They don’t. A couple minutes pass of Bakugou trying every which way to get out of your hold and you countering every one of his moves with ease.

“I could do this all day,” you say.

“Me too,” Bakugou spits, sparks erupt from his palm.

“I can’t,” Aizawa says, erasing both of your quirks.

Class 1-A groans in unison once again.

“Ugh! But Sensei it was finally getting interesting!” Kaminari says.

Yeah, just like my fantasy was getting interesting until you interrupted it! Hmph!

“Guess nobody wins this time,” Kirishima shrugs.

“Technically I won,” you say.

You gasp as you feel the wind get knocked out of you and suddenly you’re looking up at vermilion eyes.

“No, I win.” Bakugou smirks.

You can’t bring yourself to be upset as his hands grip your wrists. You’d lose a million times over if it meant Bakugou touching you.

“Say it.”

You cock your head, “Say what?”

“Say ‘I win’.”

“I win.”

Bakugou’s nose scrunches in frustration.

“That’s not what I- you know what I mean!”

Aizawa clears his throat.

Both of you turn to see Class 1-A hanging onto your every word like they’re watching the final battle in Avengers: Infinity War. Kaminari is munching on some popcorn, passing the bowl around to the rest of the class.

How did that boy even…? Nevermind.

It’s best for you not to think about the weirdness that is Class 1-A. It would only give you a headache.

“Nobody wins. You both failed the exercise,” Aizawa says, “And get up. You’re both making me uncomfortable.”

You and Bakugou make awkward eye contact before he gets off of you. You swear a tinge of red flushes his cheeks as he offers his hand for you to take, but you know he’s only offering it as a sign of respect. That doesn’t stop your hand from shaking as you reach out to take it. You mumble a quick ‘thanks’ and he responds with a soft ‘whatever’ as he helps you to your feet.

“Class dismissed,” Aizawa says. Mina and Kaminari whoop before racing to the dorms. Everyone else follows, leaving you and Bakugou trailing behind. You’re racking your brain trying to come up with something to say. You don’t want to let this opportunity of getting Bakugou alone go to waste.

C’mon, Y/N think of something… Oh! I can ask about the movie they’re watching tonight? No… he’ll think I wanna come along or something, which I do, but I don’t want him thinking I do!

Oh lord have mercy on me.

You’re about to fuck it and pull a ridiculous comment about the weather out of your ass when Bakugou speaks up.

“I won.”

You raise an eyebrow. He’s still on that?

“I did.”

“Why do you have such an obsession with winning?” There’s no malice in your tone. You just genuinely want to know.

“You wanna die!?” Bakugou puffs his chest, tiny sparks fizzling in his palms, ready to blast at any second.

You throw your hands up in surrender.

Please don’t kill me.

“Don’t get me wrong, it’s great to strive to be the best. That’s why we’re all here. But we were on the same team today, Bakugou, and you still couldn’t handle the fact that I would be the one to lead our team to victory. Why?”

You’re just as competitive as the next U-A student trying to go pro, but even you knew when to quit, especially if it jeopardizes the team or the mission. Your quirk was just a better fit for this particular exercise and Bakugou knew that.

“I don’t need to listen to this bullshit, especially from a fucking extra.” Bakugou stomps off.

“Wait! Bakugou!”

You stop him by touching his arm; he jerks at the contact as if he’s been burned.

“Don’t touch me!”

You try to hide the hurt as you take your hand off his arm.

Of course he’d hate the idea of touching me in any way besides holding my hand to arm wrestle. Ugh! Why can’t I have a crush on literally anyone else!?

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean-”

“Whatever. What’s the challenge this week?” he grumbles, looking away from you.

You didn’t want to push any further and make Bakugou hate you even more. It’s sad to know you don’t have a chance with him which is why you look forward to these competitions. If this was the only way to spend time with him, then you’re gonna take it.

“Yoga tomorrow at 8.”

“Tch. Yoga? My grandma does yoga on her deathbed.”

“If you don’t show up, guess it means you forfeit and I win.”

You walk away knowing full well Bakugou won’t back down from a challenge. You hear him shout from across the way.

“Like hell I’d forfeit, loser!”

🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹

You’re warming up before class when the doors swing open and in walks Bakugou with a permanent scowl etched on his face. The class regulars (who are all girls) huddle together whispering about the “hot new guy.”

Bakugou unfolds his mat next to yours.

“Oi, Y/L/N.”

You turn to him, “Morning to you too, Bakugou.”

“Get ready to die,” he smirks.

You roll your eyes at the dramatics.

“Please, I’m sure I can beat someone who yells ‘DIE GERMS’ every time he brushes his teeth.”

Bakugou’s teeth clench at the dig against his personal hygiene habits. You could see the vein on his forehead threatening to pop. Teasing Bakugou always brought a smile to your face. He was just so cute when he got riled up.

“You wanna go, shitty woman!?”

It’s too easy.

“Save that for the field,” you say before returning to your stretches, but you’re interrupted once again.

“Psst.”

You turn to the girl next to you.

“You know him?” She nods at Bakugou stretching with his earphones in. The scowl on his face reads “fuck off”.

“Yeah, why?”

“He’s hot.” The girl sighs in a daze.

I know, girl. Trust me, I know.

Every aspect of Bakugou’s body screams power. He trains harder than most and it shows. The long grueling hours spent going to the gym and honing his quirk have really paid off. From defined shoulders, to the lines of his six pack visible even underneath his shirt, all the way down to the powerful thighs that could crush you in an instant and you would happily thank them for it.

“I can hear you,” Bakugou snaps.

Shit.

Your heart skips a beat, afraid you pulled an Izuku with thinking out loud. Thankfully, he’s referring to the girl next to you who squeaks and returns to her stretches.

Phew… That was a close one.

You clear your throat.

“You better not get us kicked out of this class, too. I actually like yoga.”

“Where’s the fun in that?” he smirks.

Bakugou got you both kicked out of the chess club when he went all ‘sparky sparky boom boom man’ on the chess board after you won. The president of the chess club cried. It wasn’t a pretty sight. Now, you both have to play chess in the dorms.

The class begins with simple stretches. You sneak a peek at Bakugou who looks oddly calm for once. You’re used to him either being angry or… being angry. There really was no in between for the boy. But right now, with his eyes closed, he looked almost at peace.

“I can do this in my sleep.”

And of course the moment is ruined the moment he opens his mouth.

“This is only the beginning, my friend,” you say.

Bakugou loses some of his vigor halfway through. He’s huffing and puffing as you go into an intense hip flexor stretch.

“You okay there, buddy?”

You’re sweating a bit by this point, but not as much as Bakugou who’s struggling to keep up.

“I’m fine,” he snaps.

The class goes into the splits. Your split is perfect, but Bakugou is still a little ways off the floor. He tries to subtly wipe the sweat beading down his forehead.

“You know yoga has a ton of amazing benefits. If you keep at it, you could knock someone out going into a downward dog.”

“Shut up,” he grunts. His knees buckle under the pressure of the new position.

“Y/N, can you assist our new student?” Your instructor asks.

The rest of the class turns to you and Bakugou.

“Oi! I don’t need any help, old hag!”

You grimace at his loud tone, a harsh opposition to the otherwise calming atmosphere.

“He doesn’t really mean that,” you try to cover for him.

“Yes, I do! Oi! Stop looking at me dumbass, yes, you over there-”

You muffle his screaming with your hand against his mouth. You place your other hand on his waist and guide him into the correct position. You can tell he’s holding his breath.

“Breathe. That’s it. Now tighten your core like this,” you whisper in his ear. Your hands glide down his stomach. His ears are beet red and he’s looking anywhere, but at you.

“Are you okay?”

“Tch. I’m fine. Now, get your hands off me, shitty woman.”

You sigh. Of course. Should I expect anything else at this point?

All the women bounce up to you at the end of class. They’re giggling and sneaking glances at Bakugou who’s rolling up his mat.

“Who is that?”

“Do you know him, Y/N?”

You’re taken aback. Since when were you on a first name basis with any of these girls? For the past three years you preferred to stay in the back of the class and leave once it ended. The women are a bit… much and they don’t pay much attention to you anyway, just the way you like it, so it’s startling when eager eyes are on you awaiting a response.

“Is he single?” Another girl asks.

I certainly hope so.

The group shushes each other as Bakugou walks up to you.

“Same time next week, loser?”

Next week is his turn to choose the competition. Does he really think he has a chance of getting his splits down in a week?

“You want to do yoga again?”

“Not for our competition, idiot.” The excitement radiating from the group of girls behind you only feeds your heart fluttering in your chest. You don’t want to get your hopes up, but Bakugou has never been interested in meeting up with you outside of class if it’s not for your competition.

You want to be sure of what he’s asking. You couldn’t bear the thought of believing this is leading to something more only for Bakugou to say it’s not.

“If not for our competition, then what for?”

Bakugou looks at you, his cheeks are flushed red and you know it’s not from the yoga anymore.

Holy shit, is this it? Is Bakugou fucking Katsuki actually asking me out? After we just spent the last hour in downward dog? Note to self: I’d like to give a shoutout to the yoga gods that made this possible. You the real ones.

You lean against the wall in an attempt to be casual, but it’s only because your legs are literally shaking from the excitement that Bakugou is asking you out.

Bakugou glances at the girls behind you murmuring between themselves.

“Tch. Forget it.” He grabs his bag and walks out.

Wait. What? No! Come back!

You hear the girls gossiping with each other, all of them excited that Bakugou’s becoming a yoga regular.

“He’s coming back next week!?”

“Ugh! He’s so freaking hot! I can’t even!”

“What should I wear!?”

You don’t pay them any attention as you run out the door in an attempt to salvage... whatever you have with Bakugou. It’s complicated, okay!?

“Bakugou!”

He doesn’t look back, but you know he heard you.

“Bakugou! Wait!”

“What!?” He snaps, but the blush on his cheeks give him away.

“I’m down for the same time next week.”

He crosses his arms and scowls.

“Are you deaf? I said forget it.”

“Oh.”

Bakugou sighs; his hand coming up to rub the back of his neck in a gesture you’ve only seen a couple times from him.

Wait is Bakugou… nervous?

“I know I’m gonna pop off on one of those girls and I don’t want to get you kicked out. I know you like yoga for whatever goddamn reason…”

“What if we had a private yoga class?”

You’re fully prepared to be rejected. Your relationship was one of rivalry and competition, what you’re suggesting would be breaking into new territory, but you were tired of pining. It was better to know he doesn’t like you than to spend your time at U.A. wondering.

Bakugou doesn’t expect that question and you certainly don’t expect his response.

“I do need to practice my splits more.” He looks down at the ground, ashamed for admitting he needs practice. You can tell he doesn’t admit this to just anybody. Your heart skips a beat at the thought of Bakugou viewing you as more than just the extra he claims you are.

“I can help with that,” you say.

“Tch. I don’t need your help.”

You shrug, “Fine, don’t come crying to me when you break your hip. You’ll never be able to take someone down in downward dog.”

“I CAN TAKE ANYONE IN DOWNWARD DOG! JUST YOU WATCH, SHITTY WOMAN!”

You laugh as he childishly stomps off, gripping his palms tight to keep from exploding.

Way too easy.

Bakugou ended up taking Midoriya down in downward dog. Nobody saw it coming, but you. He thanked you with a movie date and a kiss at the end of the night. 😊

#bakugou x reader #bakugou katsuki x reader #katsuki x reader #katsuki bakugou x reader #bnha #bakugou katsuki fluff #bnha x reader #mha #bnha fluff #katsuki bakugou fluff #fanfic-me-up #mha x reader

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wrestlingisfake · 3 years

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All Out preview

Here we go with AEW's annual Labor Day weekend show in Hoffman Estates, just like the original All In show three years ago. I have been going to wrestling shows for days, and it all comes down to this!

The show starts at 8pm EDT, streaming on Bleacher Report (in the US and Canada) and Fite.tv for $49.99. A free pre-show will be available at 7pm EDT.

CM Punk vs. Darby Allin - This is CM Punk's first pro wrestling match since January 26, 2014, when he spent 49 minutes in the Royal Rumble working with a staph infection and a possible concussion. The following night he walked out of WWE, leading to seven and a half years of debate about what is next move would/should be. Two weeks ago he debuted with AEW and declared that he wanted to help the younger talent, starting with a match against Allin. Allin, for his part, took some exception to being the first opponent, as if he's just a stepping stone to bigger matches.

The big issue here is seeing how well Punk, 42, has held up after seven years away. I've seen reports that he's looking good in training, but you just don't know until the bell rings. Regardless, I expect the hometown crowd to be very forgiving to Punk, and Allin is good enough to carry the match if he really has to.

I feel like I ought to have more to say about this, but it also feels like everything's been said. I can't believe Punk would lose his first match in. But I can believe that if Punk insisted on doing the job, AEW would let him do that. It'd be unusual for the returning guy to come up short, but New Japan does that sometimes and it can work as a longer build to the first win. Still, it is Chicago (sort of), so my gut says Punk wins to let us feel special.

Kenny Omega vs. Christian Cage - Omega is defending the AEW men's world title. For months, Omega held four different belts, representing championships in AEW, AAA, and Impact Wrestling. But on August 13 Christian defeated Omega for the Impact/TNA world title (and later retired the TNA belt), leaving Kenny more vulnerable than ever. The AAA and Impact titles aren't at stake in this match, so no matter who what happens the winner will be a double champion.

Cage is a great wrestler, but not a great challenger for this match. For months the storytelling pointed towards Hangman Page in this spot, but Page was abruptly written off television so he could take paternity leave. I don't think anybody resents Christian for filling in, but nobody really expects the 47-year-old, recently returned from a seven-year retirement, to win the big one. It's also a rematch of something we already saw a few weeks ago, which isn't a big deal but it's a bit of a talking point when everyone is always dogging WWE for excessive rematches.

The big go-home angle on September 1 was that Omega, the Young Bucks, and their buddies destroyed Christian, the Lucha Bros., and their buddies. After the show went off the air Tony Khan promised that this kind of bullshit interference wouldn't happen in the Bucks-Lucha Bros. cage match. Well, okay, but this match doesn't have a steel cage, so I have a feeling there will be plenty of bullshit interference. And I'm willing to bet that interference gives Omega the win while somewhat protecting Christian.

Matt Jackson & Nick Jackson vs. Penta El 0M & Rey Fenix - The Young Bucks (Matt and Nick) are defending the AEW tag team title. The Lucha Bros. won a four-team tournament to earn this shot. The Bucks have relied on a lot of outside interference from their entourage lately, so to counter that this match will be held inside a steel cage. In AEW, the only way to win a cage match is by pinfall or submission.

I was at All Out 2019 when these teams last met in a crazy ladder match (which feels like a million years ago). Everyone raved about it, and also worried that the Bucks damn near killed themselves. Personally I had a really shitty view of the ring, which made it hard to follow the match. This time I've got a much better view, so I'm looking forward to some good karma.

In theory the Bucks have sworn off doing the dangerous shit from the ladder match, but technically this is a cage match so maybe they'll just do different dangerous shit. Personally I'm more intrigued by seeing them change their game to fit in the confines of the cage, which doesn't lend itself to springboard flips off the ropes. But the cage has places to stand at the top, which will encourage the idea of setting up crazy highspots.

I feel like a title change is possible, but I could just as easily see the Bucks hold the belts for another six months. Santana and Ortiz seem to be next in line for a shot, and honestly I think that would work with either of these teams. But I guess I'll lean towards the Bucks retaining.

Chris Jericho vs. MJF - MJF defeated Jericho on November 7, 2020, to earn entry into Jericho's stable, the Inner Circle. MJF inevitably betrayed Jericho and formed his own stable, the Pinnacle, which beat the Inner Circle on May 5, 2021. Jericho was so determined to get revenge that he accepted MJF's terms to perform five "labors" to earn a rematch, but MJF beat Jericho once again on August 18, 2021. So now MJF is 3-0 against Jericho. (For some reason we're counting the ten-man match on May 5 but not the other one on May 30, which Jericho's team won, but whatever.) To get this final rematch, Jericho has put his career on the line.

Suddenly everything else in this storyline has taken a back seat to the idea that this may really be the end of Chris Jericho's 30-year in-ring career. There are plenty of fans who think Jericho, 50, should hang it up, but now that it might actually happen I think people aren't so sure they're ready for it all to end. The timing for Jericho to tease this is perfect, because he could easily just win and go another couple of years, or he could easily just finish today.

Part of what makes this work so well is MJF. I think everyone recognizes that MJF is going to be a top name in the 2020s, and that Jericho wants to make this guy. So it's like, if Jericho can get retired by anyone he wants, why wouldn't he pick MJF? I think the match will feel a little flat if Jericho comes up short yet again, but if it's the end of his career it suddenly doesn't matter if he's lost too many times, y'know?

Still, something tells me this isn't the end. Something tells me Jericho has more he wants to do. And something tells me, in a few years, we may be wondering if it would have been better if he retired on this show.

Britt Baker vs. Kris Statlander - Baker is defending the AEW women's world title. I expect to like this match but there's not really much to it. Baker was feuding with Red Velvet a while back and then Statlander made the save for Velvet. Baker and her crony Rebel have brought in Jamie Hayter to stack the deck against Statlander and Velvet. I think it's way too soon for Baker to drop the title, and I don't expect Kris to be the one to take it from her. So this is kind of a formality to kill time until Baker vs. Thunder Rosa down the road.

Miro vs. Eddie Kingston - Miro's AEW TNT championship is on the line. Somehow in the past year Miro has gone from Kip Sabian's gamer buddy to a monster heel who thinks God has anointed him to beat the shit out of people. Kingston has gone from a gutless heel to the most beloved guy in AEW. Wrestling is great.

Anyway, I love both of these guys, but I can't just bet that all the wrestlers have a good time. If Eddie's going to win a championship, it really ought to be in New York. I realize Chicago is AEW's favorite and we get all the good shit, but I've had my CM Punk ice cream and I'm maaaaaybeee going to get the Bryan Danielson debut too, so I'm willing to let New York have this one thing. Just this one time.

Jon Moxley vs. Satoshi Kojima - Moxley is the new GCW world champion following a surprise appearance at last night's GCW show; I assume that does not turn this into a title match. Moxley told top contender Nick Gage "you know where to find me," and it's anyone's guess if Gage will show up here to accept that invitation.

Mox is a busy boy making friends everywhere he goes. For a few weeks he was angling for a match with a top New Japan Pro Wrestling star on this show. The leading candidate was Hiroshi Tanahashi, but several other interesting names were discussed by fans and pundits alike. After that buzz, Kojima is a bit of a letdown.

Don't get me wrong, it's cool to get a guy who's held the IWGP heavyweight title, the All Japan Triple Crown, and the NWA world title. Kojima's a legend. But at this stage of his career, he's the guy New Japan sends when the real stars aren't available. Besides which, my cup runneth over when it comes to 50-year-old guys showing up to prove they can wrestle like they're 40. And I don't think anybody really believes Kojima can beat Moxley.

Ideally, this match should end with a video message from a bigger New Japan name calling out Moxley. I'm not confident that will happen. Then again, at this point I wouldn't be surprised if Moxley showed up in NXT UK to pick a fight with WALTER.

Paul Wight vs. QT Marshall - Formerly the Giant in WCW and the Big Show in WWE, Wight debuted with AEW earlier this year as a color commentator. QT and his goons were picking on Wight's broadcast partner Tony Schiavone when Wight intervened, setting up this match.

I was actually kind of into the idea of this until Marshall showed photos of Wight's recent hip surgery. Up to that point, they'd managed to keep me from noticing if Wight could move okay, and I was willing to accept he could do a basic squash match without a problem. But now I just assume he's broken down and he'll need a lot of smoke and mirrors to do even a simple match. Maybe that's the plan, to get me to lower my expectations and be pleasantly surprised. I sure hope it works out.

I'm about 95% sure Wight clobbers QT and just wins handily. There's a chance QT's squad pulls enough shenanigans to get a bullshit win, but I'm not sure what the point would be.

21-woman Casino Battle Royale - This is AEW's funky concept for a gauntlet battle royale. Five women start the match, and then every five minutes another wave of five enters; the 21st entrant gets to come out alone. Eliminations can occur at any time, by exiting the ring over the top rope to the floor. The last woman left after the others have been eliminated is declared the winner, and receives a future title match against the AEW women's champion.

AEW has announced 20 participants: Abadon, Anna Jay, Big Swole, Diamante, Emi Sakura, Hikaru Shida, Jade Cargill, Jamie Hayter, Kiera Hogan, KiLynn King, Leyla Hirsch, Nyla Rose, Penelope Ford, Rebel, Red Velvet, Riho, Skye Blue (a late substitution for Julia Hart), Tay Conti, The Bunny, Thunder Rosa.

The 21st spot has been left open for a surprise. Ruby Soho (formerly Ruby Riott in WWE) is widely expected to join AEW, and this would be a sensible spot for that to happen. But there are other women who could potentially debut here as a swerve.

I always want to pick the surprise entrant to win these things, but they really haven't done all that well in AEW battle royales. I could see them giving the win to, say, Big Swole, and just having Britt Baker beat her a few weeks later on Dynamite. Or Thunder Rosa could win to set up a major program for the next pay-per-view. They have a lot of options, which makes it hard to predict but fun to watch.

Orange Cassidy & Chuck Taylor & Wheeler YUTA & Luchasaurus & Jungle Boy vs. Matt Hardy & Marq Quen & Isiah Kassidy & Jack Evans & Angelico - This is booked for the pre-show. Hardy's heel group has been feuding with most of the midcard babyfaces for months. I don't expect this match will blow off the feud, but it'd be nice if it did so we could move on to something else. Orange's team should probably win.

#aew #all out #cm punk #darby allin #kenny omega #christian cage #the young bucks #lucha bros #cannot *believe* i managed to get this done

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himbo-buckley · 4 years

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INTIMACY, SEX AND BUDDIE (BETTER KNOWN AS I HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS ABOUT THIS SHOW, SOME OF WHICH ARE RELATED TO THE BEFORE MENTIONED TOPICS) - Part 3

Well, hello there (again)!

 I got to say, this was both my favourite and least favourite part to write because by now all my theories are (hopefully) explained enough that I can just ramble about the characters and connections and ya’ll will forgive me if I stray away from what’s actually happening in this episode. Which I will do. A lot actually.

On the other hand side I have so many thoughts about what’s happening and this is gonna be long af as I started writing on part three at the same time as I wrote part 1 and 2 and I barely found things to cut, which means we are clocking in at a casual 7700 words. So maybe get that drink now, cause it’ll be a ride!

Also the links to part one and part two

And look, by now you probably know the drill but I’m just gonna give you my preface again:

This meta was supposed to be a lot shorter and only talk about how both Buck and Eddie use sex to distract their respective partners from whatever topic they actually wanted to talk about but since I decided to rewatch the show to make sure I don’t miss any such scenes, it has exploded a bit and taken on more topics

I should also mention that I am a Buddie shipper and while I tried, you will find several references and arguments for the ship in this Meta, not all of which necessarily call for a romantic pairing but just: These two are deeply connected and you cannot look at one without discussing the other and they are each other’s strongest emotional connection.

I should also preface this by saying that the whole of the 118 has some obvious intimacy / commitment issues except Bobby (which is sort of surprising) but *John Mulaney voice* we don’t have time to unpack all of that!

On another note I cuss a little in this Meta because my parents let me listen to TicTacToe as a small child and after that it never stuck that cussing is wrong so, uhm, parental supervision is advised or something

This Meta will so far have FOUR parts now. The original plan was to do three, one for each Season and is organised by episode so you could technically follow along, but due to personal reasons, also known as *feelings*, Season 3 has already exploded disproportionately and for readability reasons I have split it in two (this is part three, the cut will happen after Christmas, it works storyline-wise)

And now, for our next instalment of I read too much into things: Season 3A (also called: „Eddie Diaz, stop being such a boy scout (Wait, no, not like that!)“)

Episode 3.01:

911 as a show has a fairly interesting way of storytelling where it sometimes feels a little like they cut together snapshots of lives in regards to certain topics. And because of that you only ever see a small part of the lives of the characters. That being said: I hate hate hate how 5 months passed between the Season 2 final and the first episode of Season 3 and aside from a few offhand remarks we get virtually nothing. Also it’s very unrealistic that Bobby and Athena didn’t have any parties for 5 months, like nope, I don’t believe you show!

That being said, I appreciate how much time it took Buck to heal because it’s realistic! And also most importantly gets Oliver Stark a chance to truly shine!

I wanna take this chance real quick, to thank the producers and writer both for writing Evan Buckley the way they write him and for casting Oliver Stark to play him because omg, it works so well! Look, Oliver Stark is attractive. He is buff and handsome, but he is not perfect. He is Tinder-buff, not MCU-I haven’t seen a drop of water in a month-buff, he’s the kind of fit that will fill the whole screen one minute and make you say „Wait, I thought he was wider than this!“ the next (you know how everyone always talks about the hips to shoulder ration of Chris Evans? Yeah, the opposite of that) . And he has a really pretty face but his nose is a little too cocked and he has scars and there’s the „adorable facemark“ and he seems so damn dorky which is exactly why Evan „Buck“ Buckley works, why he is hot. And he gets to be emotional and sensitive and caring on top of that and yeah, I don’t know if I wanna be him or date him anymore either. Like he singlehandedly made me rethink my view on dating, just because I am hoping for someone like him.

Anyways, that’s probably something none of you wanted to read about in a META so we’ll get to the juicy stuff now, alright?

One thing that I realised as I watched season 3 for the third time just now is how often it repeats itself. It feels a bit stagnant at times, the way the characters make two steps forward and one step back all the time, most notably in Bobby.

I wanna talk about Bobby for once because you can not look at Buck in Season 3 without looking at Bobby as well. These two characters are connected the same way Buck is connected to Eddie. Most things Buck does character wise in Season 3 are caused by Bobby’s actions, in the same way most of Eddie’s are caused by Buck.

And the thing that 3.01 tells us from the get go? Bobby thinks of Buck as somewhat of a son (which we knew already) and Bobby sees himself in Buck, which is why he does what he probably hoped someone would have done for him the 10 or something years ago when he hurt is back and holds him back. There is also the fact that he tries to teach Buck to have a life outside the firehouse, though that is something he probably should at some point in the near future actually voice to Buck, because Buck on his own can not draw these conclusions from Bobby’s actions. Buck on his own thinks it’s about him not being good enough and so he works himself to the bone to try and proof otherwise. (Someone please just finally tell him what a good boy he is? Yeah?)

As for the scene during the party, you could actually see how much Buck had to force himself to be that open and that vulnerable with Bobby (and not just because he is *literally* having an embolism) and that hurts because to this day Buck has not realised that Bobby will always be there to catch him. Buck still thinks he needs to proof himself to Bobby because of his firing in Season 1. And would you believe I actually cried a little typing these words?

And now I’m gonna talk about my agenda, also known as Buddie real quick, and point you toward the fact that while we have seen Eddie be vulnerable with Buck and Buck be vulnerable with everyone else we have not seen Buck be audibly vulnerable with Eddie and I do not think this is a coincident at all.

Look, Eddie is a guarded guy, right? He has a hard time being vulnerable, a hard time asking for help, a hard time giving up control. But he does all these things with Buck and he does them willingly and with barely an outside push, which is different to say with Bobby. Eddie let’s himself fall with Buck and by doing so raises Buck’s self worth and gives him the feeling of being in control Buck craves so much (while Eddie sort of despises it because he feels like he always has to be the one in control), but it also means that Buck is afraid to let himself fall with Eddie because it might mean Eddie won’t trust him again. Buck generally is a very emotional guy and he doesn’t seem afraid to voice his weaknesses, in fact he is probably too aware of them and too willing to let others poke at them, except with Eddie. With Eddie Buck always tries for strong, because he knows Eddie needs him to be and because he thinks, if he’s not, Eddie will see what everyone else saw and leave him. On Eddie’s side I do think by now he is more than willing to catch Buck and still let himself be caught in return. At least at this point.

(also, if we do ever get Buddie I could see a reverse of the Shannon-Eddie situation happening where Eddie is the one being open and Buck has a hard time being emotionally vulnerable, afraid it’ll scare Eddie off and he’ll leave like everyone else.)

But then, one could also point out that Eddie probably knows all the things going on with Buck anyways because I truly think they know each other inside out and are two feathers of the same bird and same recognises same and all that - it’s just that Buck is someone who needs to actually voice his feelings to deal with them, so unless he voices his vulnerabilities to Eddie, for him, the other guy doesn’t know them. (Except Eddie does know.) (and man, I wish the rest of the 911 would finally figure out that with Buck you always - always - have to say things! You can’t just imply. You can’t think your actions speak loud enough. You need to actually use your words and do so in a way that leaves no doubt because that boy thinks so little of himself and he will make himself doubt every nice thing that ever happens to him.)

Now, moving back to what’s actually happening in the episode and why all of this is important:

We have the very important talk in the Station were text points out some of the things I just said and Eddie realises that he needs to do better, so he pulls a Buck and steamrolls him. (also do we truly believe that Carla was out of the country? Do we? Do we not think Eddie spent the whole ride over coaching his son on lying to his best friend because Eddie is just like that?)

Also I love how before this Maddie is talking to Josh and she says something along the lines of wether she should push Buck or coddle him and it cuts to Eddie trying the first.

On Eddie’s side of this meta we somewhat learn where Eddie’s issues stem from and it’s of course Daddy issues because this show loves them very much. (Seriously, out of 5 firefighters 3 have confirmed absent fathers causing issues and one has it heavily implied. Tim Minear, do you wanna talk?)

Also, Ramon Diaz probably threw in a „real men don’t cry“ with his macho speech about just brushing shit off and thereby emotionally crippling his child further, because he seems cliche like that.

Sidenote: The Buck and Christopher relationship is so beautiful and important and „Some cool outfits, too.“ is one of my favourite lines, though I do have to say - as someone who works professionally with kids - that this is what really shows how much Eddie truly thinks of Buck and how much he trusts him because it’s safe to assume that Buck has never been alone with Christopher or any child for longer and has never had to take care of one by himself and yet Eddie just trusts him to take care of his son for what is probably a 24h shift. Truly magnificent. An unparalleled relationship. So meaningful.

Episode 3.02:

No actual relevance but I do wanna point out that the thing about the mom being the love of boat guys life but her son being her’s? Yeah, that’s Eddie (and Buck).

Also, Buck’s just a natural at being a dad (not because of the fun stuff but the stuff when he knew exactly how to distract Christopher when those bodies floated by) and at some point I need Eddie to point this out to him and I need him to voice his jealousy about it, because Eddie? Not a natural dad.

(I actually think that is something that is true about a lot of things for these two. I mean yes, Buck is a hard worker but I think only in areas he is already naturally gifted (remember that whole thing with the Seals? “You just have to be badass, which I am?”) and he generally doesn’t try if things don’t come naturally because Buck hates failure because Buck already feels like a failure. Meanwhile Eddie seems like the kind of guy who has this huge capacity for learning, so even if something doesn’t come naturally to him (like fatherhood) he has the determination and willingness to try and try again until he finally gets it right and is perfect because Eddie, too, hates failure.) (And now I wanna see more about their childhoods because I could actually see Buck be somewhat of a gifted child in his youth who never learned how to actually apply himself and because of that has always been told he had so much wasted potential while Eddie was either an overarchiver or a slacker, I’m sorry I don’t make the rules. Or maybe I am projecting.)

Episode 3.03:

I read somewhere on tumblr that Ryan Guzman and his wife thought Eddie and Lena would be a thing and where actually on board and I was like? No?

I mean I do love the way she takes one look at him and decides he needs his ego checked (and also Eddie is like: ui, me like-y! (maybe because he misses another person that used to be an asshole to him right off the bat?)).

Also love all the references to Eddie being in the army („The 118 is huffing it“-scene comes to mind). Again, kudos to Ryan Guzman for always acting with all his body, because you can always feel the army training in his posture like the way he usually stands just a little bit straighter than everyone else (well, at least that’s what it looks like to me, someone who has not been in the Army and knows only like two people that got drafted and no one who went willingly, because my country generally doesn’t do that these days ).

As for what is happening in the episode, I think it’s a reference to Shannon that Eddie dealt with that couple that, despite loving each other a lot and getting along fairly well, decided to get divorced. Which is what 911 should have done with Shannon. (Me being salty about Shannon? It’s more likely than you think.)

I also think it’s a nice parallel the way both Lena and Buck are so desperate to search for their missing loved one with no regard for their own safety and I’m assuming Eddie saw Buck in Lena’s actions as well, which is why he trusts her so fast. (Because Eddie just like Buck is looking for connection and intimacy but Eddie is even worse at creating it than Buck, so he just tries to recreate the one working bond he truly has.) (Something actually proven in text by Eddie: becoming a firefighter because he misses the army.)

And I know everyone and their mother has already pointed out how Eddie was not worried about Chris at all because his son was with Buck and he knows Buck would never let anything bad happen to his son ever.

Which is why *that* scene is even more heartbreaking, because Eddie has so much trust in his Buck and kudos to Ryan Guzman because man, the way you see Eddie steel himself for what Buck is saying? The way you can feel him pulling himself together because Buck needs him to hear this. (Look, the scene is about a father learning from the person he trusts most in the world that his son might be dead and they could have easily forshadowed Eddie’s fighting ark by having him react negatively and violently here but instead he stays calm because it’s Buck and Buck for once needs him to be the one in control - also, on a less ship-y note because Eddie’s world is falling apart right there and he needs to keep in control because if he doesn’t, he will probably never be again.)

Which brings us to that scene in the loft, and listen, I know I said at the end of part 2 Eddie barely had any character development in the two seasons since we met him, but uhm, this scene? Proves he had some development, because right then right there he is so fucking vulnerable with Buck. It is of course part of him being a protector because just like with Shannon in 2.04 he realises that this is was Buck needs him to be right now, so vulnerable it is.

I do think however that it’s beautiful how Eddie apparently took the time during a fucking natural disaster to figure out that Evan Buckley needs him to use his actual words, so use his actual words he does.

And I do wanna point out that this is something he never had with Shannon, Eddie was never able to figure out what is wife of what? 7-8 years needed of him but he does know what his best friends needs. And wether that is just Buddie or just plain old character development, remains to be seen.

(Though we should mention that it wasn’t a permanent thing, Eddie does fail Buck a few times in Season 3 (but he also doesn’t a few other times) but we’ll get to that when we get to that!)

Also, honourable mention to Maddie Buckley-Kendall for getting that phone call and probably nearly dying of a heart attack and then having to race to the VA thinking the worst and probably imagining her very selfless brother either being already gone by the time she gets there or close to dead - only to probably arrive there and see Christopher in a bed with Eddie sitting next to him and Buck sitting vigil a few feet away because he doesn’t think he deserves to be with the Diaz’s anymore but he also can’t bear to part from them!

And another mention to the poor stranger who probably never got their phone back.

Also a teeny bit mad they forgot to give Oliver scars on his legs.

Episode 3.04

First of all I gotta say Eddie is such a boy scout goody two shoes with his whole „Well, it’s mandated!“ (also he’s been probably hanging out with Buck a buncha times in whatever many weeks passed since the Tsunami and therefore knew how hard his best friend worked on this and he’s gonna be supportive, kay?)

That being said, remember when I talked about two steps forward, one step back? Yeah, that.

As for the lawsuit, look, we could argue all day on wether it was justified or not, but I personally do think Buck had a basis. But he was also acting rash and hadn’t thought all the implications through and should have used his words instead, but quick reminder: Buck has severe abandonment issues and he has problems with emotional intimacy - so the whole talking about it? Not that easy.

Also, imagine working for months to come back to work, the one thing you think you’re good at and thinking you have everyone’s support only to find out the person you love like a father has betrayed you, probably with the knowledge of everyone else. Yeah, you’d lash out too!

Even though, I have to point out it’s not his normal MO (which is why we see him regret it almost immediately in the next episode).

As for Eddie in this episode, he has not one, not two, not three, but four whole conversations about feelings! You go buddy-boy. Embrace that character development! Don’t take a step back! … or, nevermind, we all know what happens next.

That being said I think it’s interesting that while Chimney clearly confides in him, Eddie does not confide in him in return but rather talks to female!Buck. I mean, talking about his struggles with his son and his family worked with him and Buck so why not with him and Lena (cause Lena isn’t Buck).

I do think Eddie and Chimney are close, but Eddie just doesn’t feel the same connection to him as he feels to Buck.

As for Eddie being so beautifully open and vulnerable with his son and saying like the exact opposite of what he had been taught: Eddie loves his son. He loves his son more than anything in the world. And if Eddie can’t let himself be vulnerable with him, who can he be vulnerable with? Especially when it helps Christopher.

(Also, Eddie by now recognises what is wrong with him, he just doesn’t think he can change it but he can prevent it from happening to his child.)

Episode 3.05:

This episode has a lot of shit happening and I have a lot of thoughts, most of which are relevant to the episode. But we’re gonna start slow, ease you in:

Boy do I love overprotective Dad!Eddie! How long do you think did it took Carla and Christopher to convince Eddie to let Chris sleep over at his friends? A month?

In other news Buck is just the picture of regret during the deposition and yeah, he should be. The whole thing is harsh. Never sue your friends, no matter how justified, if you want them to stay your friends! But it’s so obvious Buck didn’t know it was gonna go down this way because he did not think this through at all.

First off: Remember how in part 2 I said Buck and Eddie’s storylines were connected and how earlier I said Buck was the catalyst for Eddie like Bobby was for Buck?

Yeah, that’s the episode for all of this.

It’s not as obvious as in Season 2 because usually it happens over two episodes but it’s no coincident that after last episode Bobby triggered that shift in Buck, Eddie is now suddenly careering out of control as well - it’s because Buck is his catalyst, his *trigger*.

Please watch 3.04 and 3.05 back to back and tell me Eddie doesn’t make a 180 between those episodes. He goes from worried about his son to punching people in parking lots. What changed? Well, he could no longer talk to Buck. And Buck is his anker and his catalyst, the one person he doesn’t have to be in control with (which he really could use considering what he is going through with Christopher). And when you take that away he spirals. (Also there is the deposition where his best friend betrays him by talking about his dead for less than a year - wife, a topic Eddie has been avoiding in regards to his feelings since … well, the day it happened, probably.)

And I’m not saying the whole street fighting thing wouldn’t have happened if Eddie wasn’t such a boy scout and said, screw the chain of command and just called Buck to bail him out, but that’s what I’m implieing.

Also the scene between Eddie and Lena, I mean, I’ve already talked about it somewhere else but I do wanna point you to the way it is phrased: Eddie „wasn’t allowed“ to call Buck. Meaning he wanted to. But you know: Boy Scout.

Now, let’s talk about the grocery store fight because I have so many thoughts!

And what I love about these two episodes, as well as the next one, is that they show both the connection Buddie has as well as the contrasts between them:

One of the biggest differences in Buddie is how they deal with fear and obstacles and it is visible throughout all their lives and specifically these three episodes.

Evan Buckley is a force of nature, he is a fighter, he sets a goal and he reaches this goal with a single minded focus, steamrolling through everything in his way until he reaches said goal. Just look at the lawsuit and remember how his original plan was to get everyone to sign a letter of support for him.

When something frightens him, Buck doesn’t run away he runs right into it, tries to destroy it or be destroyed. He fights. And if that doesn’t work, he finds a way around the problem, but always going head to head with the thing because Evan Buckley is very determined and very self destructive.

Just look at the way he held onto Abby for nearly a year after she had left: Instead of dealing with his feelings of abandonment and the fact that the woman he loved left him, that boy dug his heel in and fought tooth and nail to keep what little he had left of her, of them. Refused to acknowledge being left for months. And when he finally leaves he literally compares himself to a ghost, because you know, he is just an empty shell at this point.

It’s also why he falls so hard for Ali because he is just desperately looking for something to cling to and so he transfers all those un-dealt feelings onto her and then he get’s hurt and his problems become bigger and different and Ali can’t deal - not surprising considering they had barely a foundation. They just went from 0 to 100 in 2 seconds and that just never works out, unless you’re in a very expensive sports car.

I also truly think at times Buck hides behind the loud mouthed, dumb adrenaline junkie persona he got going on as it keeps people from looking deeper, because Buck is very scared they won‘t find anything deeper - or worse, decide they don’t like what they see (and hey, he even got that confirmed by Ali leaving! and Abby! AND MOST IMPORTANTLY MADDIE!).

(Which, to push an agenda real quick, is why I ship Buddie so hard? Because they do have a foundation, they have been emotionally intimate with each other, they’ve seen the worst of each other and still went: I’m gonna have your back. And they have pulled a lot of shit on each other in the two years since meeting! Like, I’m sorry 911, I love you, but please never try and tell me they will have a deeper connection with anyone but each other because it’ll be a damn lie and you know it! If you don’t wanna do Buddie, let those boys get emotionally healthy and THEN give them an endgame but don’t try and replace Buddie with Loveinterests. I’m serious. I might stop watching!)

Eddie meanwhile is much more open with his feelings in the sense that he is less open in general so it’s far more noticeable when something is bothering him *because* he is subtle about it. Because Buck is so loud and so open and all about what you see is what you get, you don‘t assume he is hiding anything because you already see everything, right? (Always hide the real shit in plain sight, you guys, that‘s where no one remembers to look!) But Eddie, Eddie keeps his cards close. Sure he is funny and nice but he is also fucking reserved! And when something bothers him he draws into himself even more and that’s something that shows, that people will take notice of.

Eddies reaction to bad things (also known as *feelings*, because that boy is fucking repressed) happening is running away. And I am not saying he is a coward, I am saying he probably thinks he is and I am saying he runs away from his problems - that’s what 3.15 was about for Eddie: embracing his family (his vulnerabilities) and from what I‘ve seen in the last few days floating around in spoiler *now* Eddie has to learn to face his problems and not run away.

Which will be hard because Eddie deflects a lot.

It‘s funny (in a way that is not funny) that Buck, the fighter, is like the least aggressive guy around while Eddie, Mr quiet and reserved, who is all about running away from his problems, is so physically aggressive - except it is not and makes a lot of sense.

Season 3 truly shows how they deal with problems and I love it, I love them and this show so much!

Because Buck deals with the bombing by working tirelessly to come back to work, he deals with losing Christopher by nearly killing himself trying to find him and he deals with his fear of being replaced by filing the lawsuit to get his job back - which is also why I have to agree with Eddie: Buck truly has a one track mind. He sees the problem and nothing else. That makes him an amazing firefighter but an exhausting guy to be around because he does not give up.

I think in canon we only ever see Buck give up twice, maybe three times once with Abby and once with Christopher, both times he nearly killed himself first. (And one could argue that neither of these times he actually gave up, he was just out of options and time.) Tbh the only actual time he gave up was with Ali and that was probably his one track mind just not having any capacity to deal with a girlfriend on top of everything.

Eddie meanwhile deals with his wife dying and his best friend nearly dying twice and his son being traumatised and his best friend not being allowed back to work and his best friend filing that lawsuit by ... not dealing with it. He just moves on. Runs away from his feelings and his pain by fighting. He can’t deal with - can’t fight - his actual feelings so he fights something else. He lashes out. Becomes feral. That’s literally the gist of this episodes voiceover!

So tbh as much as I like that they resolved that lawsuit within one episode I am a bit bummed that we hardly saw anything of the 118 and especially Eddie without Buck there (specifically during his fighting time) mainly because I think we would have seen Hen and Chimney with Cap and Eddie maybe with Lena but generally keeping his distance, hiding away from them. (I don’t think Eddie just brushing past Buck in 3.06 was just about Buck.)

I truly meant what I said about 2.01 and Eddie taking one look at Buck being an asshole and deciding this one is gonna be his friend. Because while Hen and Chimney have been nice and friendly with him from the get go, they never give him shit the same way they give each other or Cap or Buck, and Eddie needs that. He needs someone who isn’t afraid to call him out and push back, both to get Eddie out of his own head and to make him feel comfortable enough to do the same. Which is why he bonded so fast with Buck and Lena (also, would he have bonded with her like that if Buck had been there? Probably not. Eddie is like the definition of „I only have the emotional capacity to care about three people at a time and two of them are my son“), because both held him accountable for his shit, which no one else on the show does, specifically not Hen and Chimney who treat Eddie as the guy who is good at most things so they just overlook the shitty stuff. And Cap does the same, because Eddie has a lot on his plate and Cap understands his issues better than anyone else’s.

Ya‘ll just need to watch the supermarket scene! It‘s all there!

Buck is in the store trying to create a moment so he can talk to all of them (meaning he is pushing, leaning into the problem until it gives), tries to make the problem go away by apologising (remember what I said about trying another way? Working hard didn’t work. Accepting his predicament didn‘t work. The lawsuit didn’t work. So now he tries talking it out - which he should have done to begin with, but hey, I’m not his therapist (sadly)) (It’s too bad it only worked to a certain level as we saw in the next episode but oh well, that’s actually realistic.)

Meanwhile Eddie has none of it because Eddie is currently running away from his problems so he can’t have his problem stand in front of him buying cat laxatives. So Eddie goes feral, and makes it all about Buck and his mistakes and then throws Christopher under the bus because that man is fighting for his life and he has nothing left to loose!!! I truly love this scene so much, you guys. It’s so revealing about these characters.

(I also shouldn’t have to point out that most of the stuff Eddie said to Buck was about Shannon, right? He was saying the things he was feeling about Shannon and he was throwing them at Buck because Buck was the one who brought it up, but also … look, it’s just ship-y from here all right?)

As for what I said about Hen, Bobby and Chimney in regards to Eddie? I know Chimney made some remarks but come on! Had it been any of them or Buck who yelled at someone like that they would have all interrupted and tried to diffuse the situation. But because it’s Eddie they sort of let it happen. (Also tbh because it’s Eddie and Buck and everyone is a little mad at Buck but they are something different to each other.)

Also, not to push my agenda, can we just talk about how comfortable Eddie has to be with the 118 but especially Buck, how much he has to care, to scream at him like that? Because he is reserved and he always tries to let go of his feelings and he hides so much. And I know part of it is that Eddie is coiled too tight already and about to burst but it’s also about Buck and the fact that Eddie expected better from him because Eddie has such a high opinion of him. Like sure he gives him shit sometimes but I think it’s because Eddie always expects the most of Buck (and Buck rarely lets him down). (And now I did go all ship-y)

Just compare this with his relationship with Shannon: with Shannon Eddie always is the one to make decisions, in part because he believes that’s what a man should do but also in part because he doesn’t trust her - and that was even before she left. Eddie trusts no one but himself for the most part but he does trust Buck, because to Eddie Buck can hardly do wrong. Which is why the whole law suit probably hit him so hard cause he expects everyone to let him down all the time but Evan Buckley? The guy he trust with his son more than anyone else? That guy? He expected better off! And that my friends is beautiful.

As for the voiceover it does poise one very central question for Eddie’s character: If he gives up control, will he be able to regain it? Because that is Eddie’s biggest fear and why he always holds everything so tight: he thinks if he lets the floodgates open once, he’ll never be able to close them.

In other news: Ryan took his shirt off.

Episode 3.06:

Before I write another 2400 words about our boys, I wanna remind you of that scene of Bobby, Chimney and Eddie wearing sun glasses, with Hen wearing her normal glasses, standing round, looking like an album cover! *plays „Clique“ by Kanye West, Jay-Z, Big Sean*

Do you think Athena and Hen talked about Bobby and how he would / does handle Buck? They did, didn’t they?

Also love how Hen and Chimney are super welcoming because one, they know what it’s like to be the odd one out and two, they love Buck and actually see his point of view. I believe. Now if only someone would remember to tell him.

Like, come on, they probably sit in the ambulance gossiping all the time!

I really love that we saw some bonding between Buck and Hen and Buck and Chimney in this episode because as much as I love Buddie we do not see enough of those combos (we don’t see enough of Buddie either).

Also the whole two steps forward, one step back? That is Bobby in this episode.

Now, we have to talk about the apology scene because this is Buck, expressing himself, being vulnerable. I love this episode a lot especially in regards to this Meta because here we see all the things I explained for the last episode: Buck is expressing, trying his best to make the problem go away while Eddie avoids it.

Also, you know, there is the whole illegal fighting thing that is visible on Eddie and look, if you did something like that would you willingly spent time with the one person who will call you out on it or will you avoid him like the plague? Especially if the last time you saw him you were screaming bloody murder at him in the middle of a grocery store! And the next time you see him he calls you out for your bruising. Yeah, guys, that’s just realistic.

Also bit of a reach, but the reason this is part of my discussion of 3.06 and not 3.05, which is Eddie’s relationship to Buck. Remember how 3.03 ended? That beautiful moment that made Oliver Stark cry on Instagram live? Remember how Eddie said „It’s his turn to save you now.“? Yeah, what happened to that?

Okay, Eddie is not an expressive guy. He is bad with feelings. He hates having them. And here comes Evan „Buck“ Buckley and he is just the polar opposite. Sure, he’d rather not talk about his feelings either but he has a lot of them and he *likes* having all of them and he wallows in them and that is probably a lot for a guy like Eddie to deal with. Especially when I do think Eddie understands somewhat where Buck came from and he probably feels guilty af about making Buck feel like he was being replaced. About not seeing the pain Buck was in. About not being there for him - which is why he lashes out, because guilt can make the healthiest people do horrible shit and Eddie is far from any definition of healthy at that point.

But I do have to say I am reaching with this and if I ever meet Tim Minear I will have him explain the fight scene and the apology scene to me word for word because it has to be deeper, right?

It can’t just be Eddie lashing out, and saying exactly the things he knows will hurt Buck because he is mad mad mad? Yeah, I know, whatever.

(Because even if that is the case? This is still the scene where a guy uses his best friend as a substitute to get his anger for his dead wife out in a somewhat healthy manner.)

Which is why I love both these scenes immensely, because it shows exactly how differently Eddie and Buck deal with things, because Eddie avoids them or gets mad and screams at them while Buck, actually does something fairly healthy and try to talk it out - but like only as his last option. He tries anything but talking before that, except with Eddie because they are connected and he finally *finally* lets himself be emotionally vulnerable with Eddie.

Which is also why the apology scene is so important to me, despite thinking while a bit rash, Buck wasn’t exactly wrong in his actions. I would have hated if they just brushed the grocery store over or made it about Eddie and the issues he had at the time. Instead they gave us this beautiful scene where Buck finally - FINALLY - gets to explain himself to someone, especially Eddie, the guy who he hurt the most because Buck is his anchor, and Eddie actually listens and then he gets it and he is like, oh, I wasn’t wrong! He really deserves all my trust!

So you know, that’s just beautiful, wether it’s platonic or romantic.

Episode 3.07: no relevance

Episode 3.08:

I wanna say something right of the bat that is probably controversial as hell:

Eddie did not want to share with Bobby. Eddie likes Bobby, he trusts Bobby, but he wasn’t really feeling like sharing with Bobby.

The reason Eddie talked with Bobby about all of this? Well, first of all it was bound to happen, sometimes things need to be said and then it doesn’t really matter who you’re talking to.

Also Eddie? Boy Scout. Army man. Chain of Command. If your superior officer tells you to share - you share! There. I said it. (This is not a Bobby Nash - stan account)

Also: „A friend of mine told me I needed an outlet - think I found it.“ - no, you didn’t Buddy boy, it’s why I’m currently 10.000 words into an episode by episode analysis of your character! (can you tell I am slowly going off the rails with this?)

But I do love how we finally got to see sassy!Eddie again. I missed you, babe!

As for the kitchen scene and the look, yes, I know, Maddie was looking at them like that because she just called them out about gossiping and they turned around and gossiped, buuuut … ya’ll also realise that Chimney was apparently *not* aware that anything was wrong with Eddie when Eddie had been acting weird way longer then Hen. He nearly punched Buck in a grocery store, he comes in with new bruises like 3 times a week but sure mate, he is all normal! (Or you know, Buck is just hyperfocused on Eddie)

One thing that freaks me out every time I watch this episode is how completely fucking nonchalant Eddie seems by the fact that he nearly fucking killed a guy. To quote Lena Bosko, professional plot pusher: „What the hell, Eddie?“

And then of course 3.15 happened and we saw Eddie shoot multiple people, so he probably learned how to compartmentalise and I guess I need to remember this is a TV show and no one actually died. But wow, I really need this addressed more because I have such mixed feelings about this.

And with regards to this I wanna say something even more controversial: Eddie got off easy. Yes, the guy willingly went into that ring but Eddie nearly killed him and all Bobby wanted to talk about was why Eddie was fighting? Again: What the hell?

Another thing this episode firmly proofs is that Lena is really just a poor substitute for Buck because Eddie doesn’t actually know anything about her, he just uses her as a sounding board because, well, Buck wasn’t there and he was lonely?

As for the actual conversation happening, yes, there we have it, in plain sight, Eddie needs to be in control because he thinks this is what Christopher needs him to be and as I’ve said before Eddie will always do anything for Christopher, even if he hurts himself in the process.

Also, remember when Lena told him he needed to show and tell his son how he felt so Christopher knows it’s okay to feel that way as well? Clearly didn’t stick of he would not feel this intense need to be in control. Which is realistic, you don’t just unlearn behaviour you had for like 30 years just because someone gives you some good advice once! (Man, my life could be so different!)

I’m also not a fan of Bobby’s „She died.“ because while yes, it wasn’t her fault that she left this time, grief isn’t rational. And even without the looming divorce Eddie has every right to be upset and to be angry at the world, and yes, even his dead wife. She’s dead. It doesn’t hurt her anymore. (Although that would be one feeling he should probably keep from Christopher.)

Not to mention Eddie feels guilty as hell. His anger? Mostly at himself. The sentence “I broke his mother”? Broke me as well.

But I also understand Eddie because while he may be grieving, his son is clearly traumatised by the whole situation, as seen in 3.04, and Eddie is trying his best and look, his outlet wasn’t the healthiest but um, at least he realised he needed one? He addressed that? That’s growth (sorta).

Amount of shirtless!Eddie scenes: 2, which feels a bit like overkill for one episode (pace yourself, Tim, this isn’t Game of Thrones)

Episode 3.09:

Frank! My main man Frank! Ui, I love him! When Tim calls me to come consult for Season 4 because clearly by now I am an expert on his characters and the way they should act, I will tell him to bring Frank back. I miss Frank. I hope he’s doing okay. He deserves the world. Also really wanna meet Rosemary.

And hey, as someone who has worked in the mental health sector and probably will again come October (if I manage to finish my degree by then, urgh, Corona, you are destroying my thesis!), I love that scene on the sofa so much! All of them openly sharing that they have been in therapy and talking about their therapists and just, uh, that scene makes me all tingly!

Before we get into all the emotional things I’m just gonna add the scene on the sofa to my list of scene I don’t fully understand. Like, what emotion exactly was Eddie supposed to be conveying because to me he sounds angry. And why should Eddie be angry about Buck sleeping with his therapist? What reason could he have?

Okay, yeah, maybe it’s a little exasperation and annoyance because apparently Evan Buckley is just coasting through life and doesn’t even take therapy seriously. Idk. I haven’t read the script.

But it does lead us to Buck giving Eddie shit, because, as I’ve said before, that’s what Buck does.

As for the therapy scene, yay, there is a mention of the nearly dead guy! Who is not dead. Yay!

I do love Eddie’s reasons for going to therapy and really trying, even though he is not clicking with Frank. He is such a good dad! (Also I’ve been debating for like 20 minutes whether Eddie would be more comfortable sharing with a woman or with a man and for some reason (his connection with Buck vs his relationship with Shannon) I think he’d be more comfortable with a man. Idk. I could be wrong. - Also Eddie is probably always uncomfortable talking about his feelings, so there is that!) His reasoning shows also yet again what I said about both Buck and Eddie before: they are protectors. They will make themselves vulnerable to help someone else. It’s a thing.

Also I pulled out my pocket edition of ICD-10 to check and while we don’t have enough information to give a full diagnosis, it’s safe to say that he is supposed to be going through a depressive episode. Because yes, sometimes depressed people aren’t sad, sometimes they are fucking angry.

Now, as for the Evan Buckley of it all and that scene: I read another Meta by someone clearly much better at this than me that stated Eddie uses Sarcasm as a way to deflect, which is exactly what is happening here because Eddie is not as fine with everything that happened as he pretends to be. I think he has just come to the sudden and horrible conclusion that his tipping point has been Buck no longer being in his life and so he decided it was easier to just move on then deal with his feelings (which is what got you into this mess in the first place, Edmundo, so please rethink,) if that means Buck back in his life.

I also think Eddie deflects here because he realises how much what he did and what he said actually hurt Buck in return and Eddie doesn’t fully know how to deal with that. And look, if they actually start discussing their issues then Eddie will have to admit his guilt and Eddie will have to say he’s sorry and right then he is still too pissed to do so, so he decides to move on.

Ah, the wonderful clash of Eddie thinking actions speak louder than words but Buck needing to hear the actual words.

Sidenote: I sent the kitchen scene to my roommate, stopped before they played the video game and asked her what she thinks happened next. And to quote „Love me <3 <3 <3. Please fuck me“ - because yes, she did take one look at them and decide the one with the puppy dog eyes was a bottom. That’s also a quote.

Episode 3.10:

Eddie really is trying so hard to be a good dad, isn’t he?

I also love the little head shake Eddie gives after Chris ask Buck about spending Christmas with him, because he clearly has already talked about the whole thing with Buck. And I’m not gonna talk about the framing. Other’s have done that before and I don’t actually know that much about it in first place.

Also it is cute as all hell that Chris asked Buck in the first place and also heartbreaking.

Other than that this episode doesn’t have that much of a relevance for this meta, because if I have to start discussing Buck’s other issues as well this will never be done.

Before I let you go, I wanna say something real quick:

In the past few days there have been several posts about content creators and liking vs commenting / reblogging on my dash and I just wanna say this is true for meta writers as well! Look, I love everyone who likes this because validation, but I’m not actually writing this meta for myself, I’m writing this because I have thoughts and I wanna share them with the rest of the class and have the class discuss it with me!

So please, reblog this and comment under or in the tags or come to my ask or my messages, even if it’s only to tell me that my punctuation is shit!

Anyways, @angelcamael and @greyhello here’s part 3!

#buck meta #eddie meta #buddie meta #evan buckley #eddie diaz #buck #buddie #911 meta #911 #911 fox #textpost #mine #meta #season 3 #my meta

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craigrcannon · 3 years

Text

Employee #1: Yahoo

Employee #1 is a series of interviews focused on sharing the often untold stories of early employees at tech companies.

Tim was the first employee at Yahoo, its Chief Product Officer for eight years, and is now a partner at YC, so we thought it would be fitting to kick things off with him.

Discussed: Meeting the Founders, Writing Yahoo’s Business Plan, Leaving Harvard Business School Early, Creating the Banner Ad, Yahoo’s First Ad Sales, Being an Early Employee After a Management Change, and Founder vs. Early Employee Differences.

Craig : What did you do before Yahoo?

Tim : Before Yahoo, I learned that I preferred working at small companies. I really didn’t think of it as entrepreneurship at that point. My first work experience out of school was at Motorola – a big company. And at the time, in the early ’90s, Motorola was held up as a model of a well-run company. Every business magazine at the time portrayed Motorola up as the ideal.

I went there with a positive attitude. The work was interesting. It was rewarding and intellectually challenging. But after a few months, I remember looking at my boss and my boss’ boss, and my boss’ boss’ boss, and saying to myself, “You know what? I don’t want any of their jobs.” I saw how they spent their time and didn’t find it interesting or very rewarding. They spent their time managing meetings and office politics.

This wasn’t my vision of what work was. To me, work was doing and making things and being able to see the fruits of that labor. At the end of the day or at least after a short period of time, I need to point to something and say to myself ‘that’s what I’ve been building.’

My experience in this big company was very different from that idea. If I rose up the managerial ranks in this big company, I could easy see myself going home and asking myself, “What did I do today?” and not having a very satisfying answer.

Craig : You couldn’t point at stuff.

Tim : That’s right. It‘s not that these managers weren’t doing things, but everything was so time inefficient. In big companies, time scales are longer. And the bullshit factor of office politics is high. For me, maintaining passion for your work when the feedback mechanism is that slow is difficult.

Once I internalized that big companies weren’t my cup of tea, I decided to go to business school in order to make a change.

Craig : But you ended up leaving Harvard Business School for Yahoo, right?

Tim : That’s right. I left in the middle of my second year. The whole point of going to business school was to figure out what I wanted to do and get exposed to a lot. The case study method was great for that.

I soon concluded that small companies were where I would thrive. I also thought that it would be great to work with friends. What could be more rewarding that working hard and doing something important with friends? And so here I was in business school thinking this when my friend Jerry Yang calls and says, “Hey, I want you to come out and join me and my co-founder start a company.”

Craig : That was the opportunity.

Tim : Exactly.

Craig : Just to rewind for a second, how did you guys meet?

Tim : Undergrad. Jerry and I were both double E’s [electrical engineers]. We spent 4 years studying together.

Craig : Cool. So Jerry calls and you’re thinking, “Oh, this might be it.” Did you know that Yahoo would be a thing, or did you just feel like this is a good first step?

Tim : The latter. I didn’t know it would be a big thing. Jerry came to visit me at the beginning of my second year at HBS. At the time he was a PhD student in EE at Stanford. He knew I was looking for a new job, and I told him, “I want something small.”

He called me a couple of months later and said, “Hey, a buddy of mine, my research partner and I started this thing. You should check it out,” and he showed me the world wide web for the first time. There was almost nothing online at that point, but I clearly remember a website company called Satchel.com, which published live sports scores.

I’m a sports junkie. So before I found this website, I used to sit and watch ESPN just for the score ticker that runs across the bottom of the screen. At the time, it only came on twice an hour. I was pathetic. I literally would just sit there and wait 30 minutes for the damn ticker to get the live score for Detroit Piston games. There was no other way.

Craig : Hahaha.

Tim : So Jerry showed me this site and I asked, “You mean I can just hit refresh and I get the live score instantly?” Okay, I got it.

Craig : That’s how you got the internet?

Tim : That’s how I got the internet.

Craig : That’s the best example I’ve ever heard.

Tim : After that, I was hooked. Jerry and his cofounder, David, had built a directory of the world wide web, which was finite at that point. Given where the internet is today, it’s hard to imagine. It was largely just double Es and technical folks posting their dissertations and sharing their papers. Only gradually did they make sites about their hobbies and quirky things, because they realized, “Hey, it doesn’t have to be just dissertations.” So Jerry and Dave started collecting these things and organizing them for everyone.

And so when Jerry called me at school, he said, “Hey, I have no idea if this is going to be big, but I know you’re looking for a job. So how about if you join David and me? Come out to Silicon Valley and get a regular 9 to 5 at a place like at SGI [Silicon Graphics], and then you can moonlight with us. And we’ll see where it goes.” I’m like, “Sounds good.”

Craig : And so where does this fall? Is this the summer before your second year?

Tim : No, this is November of my second year. And I’m thinking, “Sounds good. I’ll ramp up my job search in Silicon Valley, at SGI or Intel or wherever.”

Craig : Yeah, there are plenty of places like that.

Tim : Yes, plenty of places. But that’s also the time when internet usage started to take off.

A couple weeks later Jerry calls me and says, “Hey, we’re going to go raise some money. We need a business plan. Can you help us write a business plan?”

So I flew out to Stanford for Christmas break. I spent two weeks with them, wrote the business plan, then went back to school. They took the business plan, which they probably really didn’t need, it was mostly just a formality at that point, and they raised money from Sequoia Capital.

But in those two weeks I learned a ton from them about the opportunity and put it into a business plan format.

Again, that was about the same time that internet usage started to take off. So a couple weeks after I returned to school, Jerry called and said, “Ah, you know what? This thing is taking off. It might not be a moonlighting job by the time you graduate. It might be a full-time gig.” I’m like, “Fine by me.”

Craig : That just saved me time.

Tim : Exactly, I wouldn’t have to look for another job.

So a few weeks later Jerry calls and says, “Sequoia is going to give us money and we’re going to go for it.” I’m thinking,

“That’s awesome. I’m in. I will see you in June right after graduation.”

Two weeks later, Mike Moritz, a partner at Sequoia, calls me, “Tim, we have a problem.” “I’ll be out after my graduation on June 8th. What’s the problem?”

“We don’t need you in June.”

“Huh? Jerry said I’m in. What’s changed?”

“Well, this ship is sailing. You either need to get on now or don’t bother coming.”

“What’s that mean?”

“We need you in February, not June. Your position will be filled by June.”

So I’m like, “I’m in.”

Craig : Wow. So you just ditched business school?

Tim : It was a little more involved than that. It included a very uncomfortable phone call with my parents, who paid for business school. Luckily, I did end up graduating.

Craig : Nice. So what was your day-to-day when you moved out?

Tim : It was whatever needed to be done. I was an EE, but the other three were all more technical than me. They hired me as the business person so I had to do all the operations and business stuff – including figuring out if there was even an ad market. No one had ever sold advertising on the Internet.

Craig : So advertising was the clear strategy from the very beginning for you. That was in the business plan.

Tim : That was in the business plan. I shouldn’t say that nobody had sold ads online before though. Other people had sold advertising on the Internet, but not at scale and not as their primary business.

I think it was Wired Magazine that was the first one to sell an ad online. So there were the beginnings of something, but Wired was an offline magazine company. It wasn’t their primary business. There wasn’t much else being sold online.

So we came up with the traditional banner ad size that still exists today and tried to figure out how to sell it. At the time, the only people that used the Internet were traditionalists. And what I mean by that is the internet was used exclusively for the non-commercial sharing of information at the time. The idea of commercializing the internet wasn’t accepted by the very people using the internet. Of course, the number of people and the demographics of those people were rapidly changing.

Craig : So your job was to shift how that community was thinking or bring other people online or both?

Tim : Both.

Craig : And so you are cold calling people to sell ads? What were you doing?

Tim : Jerry and I tried to figure out the business side of things and we quickly realized that we were not the best people to sell ads. So we hired an outside agency in L.A. and convinced them to try to sell ads on the internet.

We decided we’ll sell every page on our site, except the home page, to five advertisers for a million bucks a pop. That made us $5,000,000, but they were the same 5 ads on the site for an entire month. Our users hated it.

Craig : What was the traffic at that point?

Tim : I can’t remember the exact number, but it was a double digit percentage of the traffic on the web. It was a big number.

Once we got advertising going, I was thinking, “Oh my god, we’re in the ad business. I’m an engineer, not an ad sales guy. As much as I’d love to pull an ad sales guy out of me, I’m not that guy.”

Jerry realized he wasn’t an ad sales guy either so we hired a CEO, a guy by the name of Tim Koogle. He came on in August of 1995 and helped us build an ad-supported media company. But that was a full seven months after I got there. Traffic on the site was growing at an amazing rate, but we were really struggling to build an organization that could keep up with the growth.

We knew we were on to something potentially really, really big and we knew we didn’t have enough experience to execute it alone.

Craig : So what interests me is throughout this phase it sounds like because you’re buddies with the founders and you’re sort of treated as this co-founder-type guy. How did that dynamic work?

Tim : Jerry and David were the founders and when a big decision needed to be made, like who to raise money from, they would lock themselves in a room and come back with a decision. That said, the day-to-day operational decisions were all made by consensus at the time. There were four of us, and in that sense, I certainly felt like a co-founder.

Craig : After you closed those first ad sales were you all still freaking out over if this would be viable to not?

Tim : It was probably a full year of discomforting uncertainty. Even after we brought Tim Koogle in, it wasn’t a sure thing. The Internet was a sure thing but Yahoo wasn’t a sure thing. It probably took until the end of ’95 to guarantee that.

Craig : Interesting. Did how you feel about the company change as you scaled?

Tim : Nope. I was all in the whole time.

Craig : How long did you stick around?

Tim : I was there until 2003.

Craig : How was it to ride that wave, especially when the bottom fell out in 2000?

Tim : When things are going well and you’re in a growth industry, you don’t have to deal with many difficult issues. It’s the old cliche, winning solves everything.

Craig : For sure.

Tim : It’s really true. It solves everything… or maybe better said, it masks all your mistakes. A lot of the mistakes you make get masked because you receive almost no negative feedback.

But then the bottom fell out and the board let Tim Koogle go. The upper ranks of management emptied out pretty quick, except for me and the CTO who stuck around. We got a new CEO and set of peers in upper management. Let me just say, I learned a whole lot more about business on the way down than I did on the way up.

Craig : When you think back on your time at Yahoo, how do you feel about it?

Tim : Well, I definitely made some of my closest friends there. I compare them to childhood friends. I can pick up the phone and call any of 50 people and talk to them as if no time had passed. It’s a pretty cool feeling.

Craig : That’s really neat.

Tim : It was formative in so many different ways. Granted it was early in my career, but then again most of the entrepreneurs at YC are early in their careers, too. It’s this intense experience where for the first time in your life where you’re defining your own test and seeing if you measure up. You find out a lot about yourself in that environment.

Craig : I imagine it really builds confidence.

Tim : It does.

It was certainly career defining. The financial success was nice, but it was way more than that. The entire process helps define who you are, what you’re good at, what you want to do, and what you think is important.

Craig : When it does work out for someone in your shoes, I feel like it really helps solidify your belief in how you understand people and markets.

I’ve been wondering if through these interviews we’ll find a strong correlation between early employees and people who are good investors. The way I see it, someone like you, you’re like, “Ok, good people, good product, and I can add value. I’m in.” Founders might be much more singularly focused. You know what I mean?

Tim : I do.

I guess Imagine K12 is the exception because that was my idea with Geoff, but Yahoo wasn’t my idea and QuestBridge wasn’t my idea. It was me recognizing a good idea and then being able to contribute to it, and I did that twice in a row. Even with Imagine K12, you could say, “Well, PG is really the one that kind of defined how to help companies… I just applied it in a different realm.”

Craig : Yeah, exactly.

Tim : But I guess you could say that about almost any idea.

I’ve never felt like an idea had to be mine in order for me to be passionate about it or want to contribute. I hope that helps me be a better advisor and investor.

Craig : I think whatever that quality is, that is the exact differentiator between the person who needs to start something and the person who’s comfortable accepting risk but will work on someone else’s idea.

Tim : You think so?

Craig : I think it can be easier to do your own thing, even if it’s a bad idea, because it feels cooler.

Tim : I think there’s social cache to starting your own company now. Back in the 90s, it wasn’t like that. There was no social backdrop to it. You didn’t go to bars and talk about it.

On one hand, I guess it could be seen as a lack of confidence to not do your own thing. But on the other hand, it could be seen as not letting your ego get in the way of recognizing a good idea. I can see both sides and honestly, I don’t know where the truth lies.

For me, my sweet spot is when I can say, “That’s a great idea. It’s just getting started. Count me in.”

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lokiandbuckyaremine · 7 years

Text

Love Comes With A Price (Bucky x Reader) One-Shot

Characters: Reader, Bucky, Johnny Storm, Tony Stark, and The Avengers

Summary: Bucky has a crush on you and grows jealous whenever you talk about your best friend, Johnny Storm. He will never confess his feelings for you, until a little bribery from Tony Stark comes in handy at a party.

(Requested by @thatbitchsaidhi)

Warnings: Language? And FLUFF. Maybe some sexual innuendo.

You had been a part of The Avengers for a while now, and had grown close to every member of the team. Especially Bucky. Most of the team did not like him nor did they trust him. Steve insisted that Bucky changed and was trying harder to change as the days went on, but no one bought the act. Tony hated him the most. After what Bucky did to his parents, Tony never found a reason to forgive him even though it wasn’t technically Bucky who had killed his parents. Tony would acknowledge Bucky, but never gave him a chance.

You felt bad for Bucky, and a close friendship grew between you and him after spending many nights together, whether it was calming him after a nightmare or just talking about stuff. You would even say that Bucky had a crush on you, but that couldn’t be possible. How could The Winter Soldier grow feelings for a girl like yourself? That was a mystery.

——————————————-------------------------------------------------------

“Alright everyone, gather around. Daddy has an announcement!” Tony called out. He liked to call himself Daddy for some odd reason. Everyone was scattered around the common room, not paying attention to Tony. You were with Steve and Bucky, trying to figure out a riddle that Clint gave you. “People! I just said I had an announcement!”

“We heard you Tony, but when you refer to yourself as ‘Daddy’, it is a little unsettling.” Natasha joked, as everyone moved to the living room. Tony glared at her. “Anyways, kiddos. I am having a party later this evening. Consider it a reunion. I invited some of our closest friends to attend.”

You smiled widely, “Is Johnny going to be there?” You and Johnny Storm have been friends for a very long time. You grew up together in the same part of New York. Johnny was there for you whenever you needed help and was there to support you when your family abandoned you. Luckily, The Avengers found you and became aware of your powers.

Bucky pulled you from your thoughts. “Why do you care if fire boy comes?” He snapped. All of the attention in the room focused directly on Bucky. This was some thing bold enough for even Bucky to say. He knew how close you were to Johnny, and it bothered him. Just the thought of you being close to another guy other than him, pissed him off.

Tony snickered. “Does the Tin Man have feelings for y/n? Oh my god he found his heart!” There were a few snickers around the room, but you looked at Bucky puzzled. “Bucky, he is my friend. I haven’t seen him in a while.” Bucky looked at you with angry eyes. “You text him, isn’t that enough?” Now you got defensive. “Buck, what is going on with you? There is nothing between Johnny and me!” Bucky sighed and slumped his shoulders. “Sorry, y/n. I-I just. Ugh, never mind.” He left the room without saying anything else.

Everyone looked at you confused. “Well, that was fun to watch.” Nat joked. It was silent for a moment before Tony broke it. “Anyways kids, the party will start at 7pm. Wear something nice, sexy, or don’t wear anything at all.” He laughed. You rolled your eyes. “Ugh, you’re gross Tony.” You giggled and left the room with Nat and Wanda. Whenever there was a party, you girls were the best dressed and were inseparable.

Everyone thanked Tony and left the room. Before Steve could leave, Tony grabbed his arm. Steve looked at him confused. “Capsicle, I have an idea.” Steve chuckled. “Tony, I’m not stripping and running outside again.” Tony reminisced on that wonderful memory for a quick moment, and then chuckled back. “No, I don’t mean that kind of idea. I meant to test Barnes.”

Steve got a little defensive on the thought of Tony messing with his best friend. “What do you mean, Stark?” He asked Tony sternly. Tony backed away a tad. “Remember how Bucky got pissed when y/n asked if Johnny was coming? Well what if we use Johnny to test the feelings that Barnes has for y/n?”

Steve cocked his eyebrow at Tony. “Why in Hell would you want to do this for Bucky? You practically gag every time he comes in the room.” Tony sighed. “Look, as much as I hate Tin Man for what he did to my folks, I see the way he lights up around y/n. And you know, Cap, that I don’t like it when people are upset or unhappy. That causes things to fall apart, and I can’t have that happen to The Avengers.”

Steve sighed and rubbed his head. “Alright, fine. But if you humiliate my friend at the party tonight, I will crush every last one of your suits.” Tony chuckled. “You got it Capsicle. Let me call fire boy.”

——————————————----------------------------------------------------

“So let me get this straight. You are paying me to flirt with my best friend, to test the feelings that The Winter Soldier has for her.” Johnny asked Tony, who was on the other line.

Tony chuckled, “Yes sir.” There was a pause in the conversation.

“Why would I do this, Mr. Stark? Do you know who he is? Mass killer, deadly assassin…I am not too sure I want her in love with that dirt bag.” He heard Tony laughing on the other line.

“Whoa there Johnny boy. He is in love with her, I just want to test this. Extinguish your fires, buddy boy. Ha! Get it? Cause you’re the Human Torch?”

Johnny rolled his eyes. “That is so over-used, Stark. But good one.”

“Alright kid, see you at 7. Make sure you look your sharpest.” Tony hung up before leaving to get ready for his party.

——————————————–----------------------------------------------------

“Oh my god, y/n. You look hot.” Nat tells you, as she looks at you getting ready. You smile at her. “Aw thanks Natty. Could you help with my hair?” She nods and starts to walk towards you, until Wanda pushes her away. “No no Romanoff, I get her hair this time.”

Nat rolled her eyes. “Come on Maximoff, I have a cute idea that will match her outfit.” Wanda turned around and winked at Nat. “So do I. Don’t worry, y/n. I got you, love.”

You giggled as Wanda set you down in a chair. She lifted her hands and a red glow appeared around her fingers. She was controlling your hair. In two quick sweeps, your hair was done into an elegant ponytail. “There. All done.” She giggled as she admired her work.

Nat rolled her eyes. “You think you are a hot shot with those powers, huh?” Wanda giggled and walked away. Nat took her place and stood next to you. “So, who you trying to impress tonight? Johnny? Bucky?”

You shook your head. Nat always wanted the juicy details of everyone’s relationship. “No, Nat. Johnny and I are just friends. I don’t know why Bucky gets so defensive over that.” Nat smiled and twirled her hair. “Maybe because he, oh I don’t know, LIKES YOU!” You playfully smacked her. “Oh please Romanoff. Like he has feelings for me. Like I said, friends.”

Nat walked to your door. “Whatever you say, girly. I know a guy likes a girl when I see it.” With a swift hair flip, she walked out of your room. You took one last look at yourself in the mirror.

You picked out a tight-fitted red dress with black sheer silk over it. The dress ended mid thigh and hugged every right curve. You did looked pretty hot. Maybe, just maybe, you wanted Bucky to notice.

—————————————–---------------------------------------------------------

When you walked into the common room, where the party was being held, everyone looked at you. There were multiple comments made of how hot you looked (Or how pretty, because Steve was modest).

You caught sight of Bucky, who nearly choked on his drink when he saw you. He gave you a weak smile. You smiled back, but also winked.

“Y/N, darling, you look delicious! I want you to see someone.” Tony took your hand and dragged you over to a corner of the room, where a man had his back facing you. Once you approached him, he turned around and smiled. It was Johnny.

You squealed and wrapped your arms around him. “Johnny! It is SO good to see you!! I’ve missed you so much.” He pulled away and kissed you on the cheek. “It’s good to see you too, doll.”

Bucky choked on his drink again. “Doll? That’s MY nickname for her.” He whispered to Steve, as they were both witnessing you and Johnny. You saw Bucky getting flustered out of the corner of your eye.

“Oh, Johnny, I’d like you to meet someone. Johnny this is Bucky. Bucky this is Johnny, my friend from New York.” Bucky shook Johnny’s hand tightly. “She has told me so much about you.” His metal hand grasped tighter around Johnny’s hand. Johnny flinched in pain. “Oh, ha ha. Yea. We-We’re close. Nice arm by the way.” He chuckled nervously. Bucky smirked. “You like it? I can do many things with this arm.” He flexed his arm and Johnny gulped. “Uh, you know what? I’m gonna go get a drink.”

He quickly walked towards the bar. You and Bucky giggled. “I think you nearly scared him to death.” You playfully hit Bucky’s arm. He smiled at you in response. “Yea, I think I did.” You and Bucky just stood there giggling and gazing into each other’s eyes. Bucky cleared his throat. “Um, you look hot-er uh, I meant you look beautiful.” You giggled at his awkwardness. “Thank you Bucky. And you look very handsome. Cute even.” You winked before sitting down on the couch.

You patted the seat next to you, motioning for Bucky to sit next to you. He looked uncertain. “Won’t your boyfriend be jealous?” You rolled your eyes. “I’m not so sure HE is the one who is jealous. And he isn’t my boyfriend.” Bucky laughed nervously before sitting down next to you.

You and Bucky made small talk, until Johnny came over looking cocky as ever. “Hey darling, you wanna dance?” Bucky glared at him. “We are in the middle of a conversation, bud.” You patted Bucky’s shoulder. “It’s okay Buck. Sure Johnny, I’d love to dance.”

You grabbed Johnny’s hand, as he twirled you to the dancefloor. It was an upbeat song. You started swaying your hips to the rhythm. Johnny saw this as an opportunity to flirt, so he grabbed your hips and backed you into him. He started to grind his hips into your butt.

To Bucky, it looked like you were enjoying it. But he knew you were a big girl and could handle yourself. You were giggling and laughing with Johnny. That is, until he turn you around and started to feel you up. Now Bucky was gripping his cup a little tighter. You weren’t sure of what Johnny was doing. This was a new side of him. You attempted to stop him, but he refused. Before you knew it, he took your face in his hands and kissed you passionately.

This put Bucky over the edge. He walked over to Johnny and grabbed him by the collar. He then slammed Johnny up against the wall. “You keep your hands off of y/n. I don’t know who you think you are walking in here and feeling my girl. I happen to love y/n and respect her, unlike you. You EVER touch y/n again, I’ll make sure you know what this arm can do.”

You wiped the hair from your face and walked over to Bucky. He didn’t notice you and was about to punch Johnny, until Tony came over to break them up. “Whoa there Tin Man. Calm down.” Johnny pushed Bucky off of him. “Yea man back off, or I will melt that metal right off of your arm.”

You then walked in between Bucky and Johnny, and put up your forcefield, which was your superpower. “Boys, ENOUGH! Someone want to explain what is going on?” Tony walked over to you and put a hand on your shoulder. “I’m sorry, y/n. It wasn’t suppose to turn into violence. I-uh, I paid Johnny to do those things to you.”

You ripped your shoulder away from him. “You what?! What kind of sick person are you?” Johnny rushed over to you. “No, it is not what it looks like y/n. Tony wanted to test Bucky’s feelings for you.” You glared at Tony. “Is that true?” He nodded his head.

You then looked at Bucky. You walked over to him. “Bucky, did you mean what you said?” He smiled shyly and grabbed your hand. “Yes, doll, I meant every word. I love you and care so much about you. When I saw you with Johnny, I got so jealous. I wish I was him, dancing with you, ya know? That’s why I got so defensive when you mentioned Johnny…I want you to be mine.” You felt tears swell up in your eyes. “Bucky…I love you too.” You smiled widely and grabbed his face in your hands. You slowly pressed your lips on his, which turned quickly into passion.

Tony started clapping. “See, my plan worked perfectly.” You pulled away from Bucky and went over to slap Tony. “I am still mad at you Stark. But slightly thankful for bringing Bucky out of his comfort zone.” You smiled back at Bucky. Johnny walked over to you and grabbed your hands. “I’m so sorry. You know I would never do those things to you. You are like my lil sister.” You giggled and hugged him.

Bucky went over and patted Johnny on the shoulder. “Sorry bud, for scaring you. But you can sure use those moves on other women. Just not mine.” They both laughed. Bucky went over to you and grabbed your hand. “Now where were we, doll?” He went in to kiss you, but you stopped him. “Uh Buck, shouldn’t we continue this in the bedroom?” You bit your lip and looked at him seductively. He winked and swept you to his bedroom. Everyone chuckled. Steve patted Tony on the back. “You did good my friend.”

Back inside Bucky’s bedroom, you and Bucky were about to have the best night of your life.

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TAG LIST (Open)

LCWAP Tag List:

@thatbitchsaidhi

Permanent Tag List:

@littlenerdgirl16

#bucky barnes #bucky x reader #johnny storm #best friends #confession #love #bribery

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svetlanabelikova · 4 years

Text

JOURNALING V

content warning:

weight loss/talking about weight

medical/surgical discussions

it has been awhile since i updated anyone casually interested in this part of my life, hasn’t it.

well, part of that is b/c i’ve been busy. holidays and everything, also i’ve started a work out routine, but i’ll get into that in a moment. also i didn’t have any doctor appointments for like, literally 3 weeks straight, which was nice. much better than speed running it like i had been.

today is 11.11.19, (make a wish if you believe in that sort of thing) and i’ve decided i no longer want surgery.

let me back up here.

so, let me re-read my last post just to remember what i need to fill in... ah yes, the fun i had w/ the x-ray. that feels like it happened months and months ago.

well, since then , i’ve been trying to get my life a lot more organized. i’ve started a (bullet) journal (mostly b/c i love watching the aesthetic set-up videos on youtube) and in it have been tracking my progress by the numbers. for the first few weeks of trying to lose weight, i was weighing myself every other day, sometimes more than that. i became obsessive and felt like the numbers weren’t enough. i wasn’t losing enough and one weekend i had gained back like 1.7 lbs or something. but seeing any increase in the numbers upset me. even though when we are talking about 1 or 2 pounds in someone that’s got over 300 of them, it isn’t the same as if someone is more like a buck fifty.

being able to put it down somewhere physical and then keep a log so i can see the numbers adding up or going down in a catalog has been very helpful for my mental health. having just the numbers on a paper has allowed me to watch my weight go from 349 in the beginning of october to where it currently is (or was as of 11.6 i only weigh myself every other wednesday. why wednesday and why every other week, i don’t know. it just seemed like more than once a month but less than every week. a good distance between not enough and too much) which is 329 lbs.

when put to paper, 20 pounds in a month is, i think, great. i know everyone says “oh the first 10-12 pounds comes off so easily!” but not from where i’m standing. i have been working for those 20 pounds.

speaking of working, let’s dig into that piece of proverbial pie i teased earlier.

i have a work-out routine. which is the first time i’ve said that in,,, probably ever. i know while in school i technically had one in p.e. class but let’s be honest. i did not give it my all and would take any opportunity to skip if i could. now it is just me, alone w/ my dark synthwave music and the pedometer built into pokemon go.

yeah, i could download a real work-out app that would track this stuff for me, but my phone’s memory is full to bursting and listen, i need to walk my buddy and eggs. i’ve got friends on pokemon go that need gifts and it is already built-in w/ this new adventure sync, so might as well use what i have.

so, i work out every monday, wednesday and friday night. i usually leave the house a little before 9pm and try to be back a little after 10pm. just about an hour. in that hour i walk down my street (which is pretty long imo), around the corner to the pokestop at the park, around the park, back down my street and return home. in the beginning i just walked around my street, or just to the stop (which is 0.7km from my front door) but as i’ve built up stamina, i’ve been able to walk all the way around the park. actually my goal for november, is to start walking around the park twice a night, at least once a week.

on average it is about 3,400 steps(or roughly 3.5 kms) and an hour of activity, 3 nights a week. i doesn’t seem like a lot but:

1. it is an hour of cardio every other day that i was not doing before, and 2. additional movement that adds up

i walked a combined 40,881 steps in october 2019 while working out. that is on top of whatever else i did while shopping or playing w/ the kids or what have you.

and i plan to add more. i found a great video on youtube that is all about basic, beginner yoga for curvy people. the instructor talks about doing yoga to your size and abilities and not letting anyone tell you that you can’t do yoga b/c you’re fat. i don’t buy into the idea that yoga can directly help you loose large amounts of weight, but what it will do is help build up muscle in my legs and relieve tension in my back, which will then allow me to walk longer and w/ less pain. after forty minutes or so of fast walking, my knee starts to scream and my back burns. hopefully by adding in this yoga that concentrates on thighs, calves and back, where most big people have issues, it will help me target issue areas, deal w/ them in a low-impact way, then save energy and build up stamina to push myself in other ways.

i also want to eventually start adding weight training into my work-out routine. gods, it still sounds so bougee to say i have a ‘work out routine’, but there you have it.

i’ve also begun to overhaul my eating habits. for breakfast, 6 days a week, i have a protein shake. water and soy milk mixed w/ a plant-based protein powder and an additive of instant coffee. sugar free, dairy free. and awful. i hate them. i’ve tried a few different ones and they are all fucking awful, but i drink them anyway.

i also usually eat a salad or soup for lunch. i’ve been finding a lot of really great salad combinations on top of rediscovering my love of salads. when i first went vegetarian, i was big into salads but eventually, it became easier to buy those premade, frozen veggie-friendly meals. like all that Amys’ food or the MorningStar brand (which still conjures ideas of satan-worshipping vegans, but hey, i can dig it). i’m trying to find pre-paired salad meals. i found this really good asian inspired salad that had friend wonton strips and a wonderful sesame seed sauce. so good. each bag can make 3 lunches for me, so it is great to stretch them out. also did you know that most cans of soup are technically 2 servings? i didn’t.

that was probably my biggest problem w/ food that i’ve addressed: what constitutes an actual serving size?

before last month, i assumed a serving size was what looked right. like in the case of the soup, i assumed if it all fit in a soup bowl, it was 1 serving. 1 can of soup can fit in 1 soup bowl so it would make sense, right? nope. 1 serving of canned soup is actually about half the can or roughly 1 cup of liquid. which doesn’t seem like a lot.

so i’ve stuck to salads. 2 and a half cups of salad is like, i don’t know, 35 cal. so, i can go hog wild, prepare a giant ramen bowl full of salad w/ carrots, onions, a sprinkle of slivered almonds, a splash of lite raspberry vinaigrette, and some sliced, uncured ham and that is lunch, baby!

dinner is pretty untouched, other than i eat on children’s plates now. i heard somewhere from some dietian on a show or something that eat on smaller plates, like children’s plates, helps trick your mind that you are eating more than you actually are. your eyes see a plate full up w/ food rather than eating a little food on a large plate, it is the same amount of “little food” but looks more filling on a little plate. i don’t know if it is true, but i feel like it helps me portion food out better. if a helping of potatoes can’t fit in the little sectioned off children’s plates, it is probably too much potatoes. rip

dessert has been downsized, if i have it at all. 3 thin oreos rather than like, a bowl of cereal. a 1/4 of soy ice cream rather than however much i can pile into a small bowl.

so that is the update: breakfast is a protein shake lunch is soup or salad dinner is served on a child’s plate dessert is 3 thin oreos.

maybe this week i will start keeping a calorie count, just to get an idea of what my average is compared to the 2,000 cal/day suggestion.

ok, so that was already a lot, but i did mention that i had suddenly taken a large left turn when it came to the surgery. my last journal update was all about how i was excited to blind, no walkthrough, speedrun this so i could get cleared for the surgery on like january 1, 2020. well, ha ha, nevermind.

this latest class i went to was enlightening. i mean they all have been so far, for different reasons and in different ways. the first class was about what kind of choices we had. did we want to take mediation? did we want to go to food addicts anonymous? did we want surgery? so this new class i went to on 11.7, was a follow-up to the surgical path.

i was already on the fence about disfiguring my insides. the idea of slicing off 2/3 my stomach rearranging my intestines already sounds horrifyingly frankenstineian to me. it sounds like something midevil doctors would come up w/ while snorting morphine or something. but, i was assured that it was the best option, that it was incredibly safe, it was done all the time, it had great success, etc.

i allowed myself to be talked into it. i relented and bought into the dream they were spinning for me.

not after this class. the amount of insanity that is involved, even beyond, again, the whole cutting off and throwing away 2/3 of your stomach, there is some buck wild rules you have to abide after the surgery. i wrote them down (which i was the only one that did. in a class of 9-10 people, i was the only person taking notes and the only person horrified by what i was hearing):

- lose hair first 3-9 months (me, a person w/ thin hair: oh yikes) - will need to take as many as 12 vitamins a day (me, a person that hates taking any medication) - will not be able to take any medication other than liquid/pills will pass thru tiny stomach too fast to be effective (me, a person that hates liquid medication w/ a passion), only tylenol allowed; all medication from doctors must be liquid or chewable - 70% of patients need a follow-up surgery (WHAT) - no smoking (that’s fine) no alcohol (hang on....) after surgery. ever - ideal meals after surgery: 60-100g protein, 40-80g produce, no carbs, no sugar (wait...) - eat a meal every 4 hr.s or so (that seems like overkill) - no carbonated drinks, no drinks w/ sugar/cal (but i love my fizzy drinks :c this is bullshit) - chew each bite 20-30 times, every meal should last a half hour (that’s normal for me anyway, i’m a slow eater but idk how i’m supposed to chew soup 20-30 times) - 30 min.s of activity/day (got that covered, chief) - go to support groups (no thanks, don’t wanna listen to other ppl complain and the idea of being open to other ppl,,, in real life, where they can see me? absolutely not, how dare you) - 64oz of liquid/day (is that not normal? i already drink that much, if not more) - only able to drink a shotglass amount of liquid at a time or risk vomiting (WAIT) - drink every 15 min.s, possibly even during the night (HANG ON) - no drinks w/ meals, stop drinking about 30 min.s before meal and don’t resume until 30 min.s after meal otherwise it will wash food away too quickly to be absorbed by tiny stomach (HOLD THE HECKIN’ PHONE)

at w/ that, the instructor ended the class b/c there were no questions. i was in shock. all i wanted to do was be like those tik tok kids that recreate meme images but i wanted to become the living embodiment of this gif:

literally, i looked over at my mom, who was sipping on a soda and scrolling through facebook for most of the class and went “nevermind, i don’t want surgery”.

i think she thought i was joking. she laughed and waved it off, but the... the existential dread i felt in that moment. this,,,, this was what old howard was shooting for when he wrote about all that cosmic horror. this feeling that i was the only one seeing the insanity in that classroom.... i was the only one that realized that it was madness. how would a person drink 64oz od liquid a day, broken down into 1oz at a time, but not w/n an hour of eating and also having to eat every four hours. that means you’d have to somehow shove 64oz, broken down to 4oz an hour, for 3 hours, then not drink anything for an hour, over only 16 hours. you couldn’t drink anything for 4 of those hours while you eat your tiny baby meals for your tiny baby stomach. i’m not great at math but it doesn’t seem physically possible to me and yet everyone in the class were just nodding their heads like “yes, of course old chap. perfectly reasonable.”

i’d rather continue to starve myself, and work-out. theoretically, if i continue to lose about 20 pounds a month, i will lose my goal weight by may 2020. sure it would be faster w/ surgery. it might be technically easier w/ surgery but everything in my mind tells me that the surgery is wrong. that it isn’t sustainable. i don’t want this surgery and i certainly don’t want the second stage of this surgery 10 yr.s down the road. if you think cutting 2/3 of your stomach out is upsetting, the image of the second step surgery in which they take that rough banana shape of a stomach and stretch it out into what is effectively, A STRAW.

A STRAW.

and once more: A STRAW!!

i could get behind having a banana-shaped stomach, but a straw in which the food literally just,,, falls through you is grotesque.

gonna be a big, fatty NOPE from me, chief. hard pass.

#;journaling series #personal

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