tfw u take off ur clothes 2 disguise urself as ur friend's dead body so that the jailers (ur in jail btw) will bury u instead of ur friend in the jail graveyard after which u will dig ur way out & escape, only they tie a cannonball 2 ur feet & throw u in the sea instead, & u only survive bc u r able 2 saw off the cannonball using ur dead friend's knife which u brought w u in case u were discovered & had 2 stab sumbody, & thankfully u happen 2 b a champion swimmer & sailor (ur a sailor by trade btw) & so r able 2 swim out 2 an island a league away just as a terrible storm strikes, & as ur riding out the storm on this island, pondering how 2 keep from starving 2 death &/or dying of thirst &/or being manhunted once the jailers discover uve gone missing, a ship is wrecked on the rocks & the sailors drown right in front of u, & then in the morning after the storm clears u see a smuggler's ship abt 2 pass by the island, so u swim out 2 last night's shipwreck, take the cap of 1 of the drowned sailors, & call out 4 the smugglers 2 rescue u, & after a harrowing near-drowning they succeed in pulling u out of the water by ur hair & u come 2 on their deck surrounded by the captain & crew & manage 2 convince them, w the aid of the cap u took from the wreck, that u were the sole survivor of the ship that wrecked last night, & when the captain is like so wut r we sposed 2 do w u now lol, ur like there is nary a port in the mediterranean i could not navigate in2 or out of w my eyes closed, & the captain's like ok lol ill believe that when i c it (rolling his eyes & making the jerkoff motion behind ur back) & ur like, ill prove it 2 u right now, & hes like, b my guest, so u take the helm & perform an impressive nautical maneuver that has everybody staring @ u in amazement, totally in awe of u 4 ur brains & ur brawn alike, & ur like (all casual, like u didnt just figuratively blow them out of the water) so just leave me in a port sumwhere & sum1 will hire me, or if u like wut u c i can just stay w u & work off the cost of the food & clothing u will provide 4 me, and that's when i remembered that edmond dantès was naked the entire time. he stripped back in prison before his escape so as to better resemble a cadaver and he's been in his birthday suit ever since. dude stole a cap from a dead sailor to sell his shipwreck survivor story and was otherwise as bare as the day he was born. he's in the process of dying of hunger and thirst and he just takes over the helm totally buck naked to pass the captain's navigation test. cap perched jauntily on his forehead, tangled hair and beard plastered to his skin, junk dangling in the breeze as he gives an impromptu demonstration of his sailing skills. imagine being a crewmember watching the drowned rat of a man you just heroically rescued from the jaws of death turn around and do this. how would you even react. who does that? like he's a better sailor than all of you combined but where are his pants. where the fuck are his pants??