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sgt-farron · 2 years

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"I'm so glad I found you."

"Me too. I don't know what I would do without you."

"I don't know what I'd do without you."

#imodna #imogen temult #laudna #my art #critical role #happy thursday :)#have some angst from my brain to yours #disclaimer i am NOT manifesting lmao #okay maybe 5% of my brain is #Imogen gets to go a little feral at laudna dropping #as a treat #enjoy!

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synthshenanigans · 4 months

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Johnny Cash doesn't sound like a real name to me anymore I'm too far gone, christ

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hood-ex · 4 months

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Thought my mom might get me a Mikey plushie. Instead, she got me The Last Ronin 😭. Sobbing, crying, throwing up this Christmas 😭.

She was like, "I don't know if you've already read it, but it's a comic all about Michelangelo 😊."

It's all about Michelangelo because all the other brothers are dead, Ma 😭. Hence the name of the comic. He's quite literally the last one standing 😭.

#speaking of the last ronin--i read a last ronin fic the other week that altered my brain chemistry #it made me clutch my head and yell OH MY GOD for like 5 minutes straight lmao #but it's Really good! so if any tmnt fans wanna read it then hmu #no but the way leo reacts in it makes me insaneeee INSAAAANE I TELL YOU #they're in heaven and raph and donnie are like: maybe mikey is okay #and leo's like: or maybe he's being tortured 😤#ALKDJA LEO CHILL

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spacemancharisma · 11 months

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me: this edible ain’t shit

me, an hour or so later:

#well gang first and last time I’m ever doing drugs #I had a full on psychotic episode #I’m okay now #but yowza #it was like. my brain was trying to give me repressed memories to unlock something or whatever but I Didn’t Want To so I was just #fully regressed into myself at age like 5 but refusing to look too hard at anything #so I was just stuck there #anyway. if you’re prone to psychosis maybe don’t do drugs #that’s mainly my takeaway #and also I feel like how saw traps are supposed to make you feel #like I’m so happy to be alive and not Stuck Like That lol #personal #drugs ment

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bubacorn · 2 months

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sleepy time or something like that

#i hope i wake up at 3 am then at 5 am just to see that it is in fact *not* morning #i mean 5 am is almost morning #also pointedly not thinking about how i realized i don't understand human connection #like. at all #and it feels too late #because everyone around me has someone #and i'm just. there #and i'm so tired of thinking about this every day #but i'm lonely #but i don't like the people around me #and i feel the way i'm looked at #and i don't know of it's made up by my brain or not #can someone hold me maybe #like when you're little and your parent is supposed to hug you and validate your feelings and tell you that it's okay to cry #and that it will be alright #because it feels like it never will be anything close to alright #and i'm scared #and so so sad #and it's all stuck inside me #i'm sorry #this is just a tad pathetic

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keeps-ache · 3 months

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if i could be any little creature on the earth i'd be one of those little robot-dog toys that kind of suck

#just me hi #i know they suck my sibling had one once and it was okay hfvsh #it could do backflips but it also banged its head into the floor every time it did so it was kind of painful to watch lolll #but besides the suckiness i just think they're neat :>#they can roll around and that is very cool to me #sometimes they play music but the speakers are horrible but they're trying so hard bhfs </33 #/anyway. i actually had a point to this but i forgot what it was #if i was a sucky robot-dog toy that costed 60 bucks with terrible wheels and worse speakers i think i'd go and travel the world #why travel the world? i don't know ! just makes sense to do something like that #i think the little things would like to travel the world :> they can't move very well and aren't taken to many rooms and their batteries di #quickly but i think despite (or maybe because) of that they'd roll around busy streets and explore spots that would be hidden by the usual #tourist #it's just a neat thought :)#//okay.. on my way now lol #i keep staying up to ungodly hours by accident and i feel so flat hfhvsh #stayed up til 5 on saturday bc i got caught up telling my siblings a story. stayed up til 4 last night doing the same exact thing fhhsv #i don't learn lol !!#but ye gonna see if i can get my sludge brain to work. as my brother says; toodledoo #//edit: also their hearts are in their batteries and every time you change them they love you more. okay Now bye fhvsbvhfvs

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brynnmclean · 3 months

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I have been daydreaming recently about getting five of my female friends + maybe my sister (if I can lure her out of her apartment) to play D&D with me. We could play monthly. I could brave running base 5e so people can play spellcasters. We could make the setting together via Ex Novo and/or the Session 0 System. Or, I SWEAR, I'll read and run Ghosts of Saltmarsh. Or... I could enlist them to help me figure out the starter box for The One Ring 2e which I think starts out with hobbit pregen PCs. It could be fun. Trouble is... I HAVE to wrap up AKB first. I have tried to run multiple campaigns at once and it is Too Much for me (not to mention I have other hobbies)! So. I have to sit on my hands until Spring anyway. Alas.

#this has been a post #do i need a loremaster tag?#there were men in my old group but i think one wouldn't show and the other is hmm. maybe 50/50 on signing on.#and 7 players is TOO MUCH #6 is doable. 5 is normal for me. 4 is actually RAW for CRs.#so if i got 6 interested but not everyone could attend consistently it would be okay.#as long as i don't lean on PC spotlight arcs too heavily #anyway can you see how much this idea has been bouncing around my brain #i very nearly made an interest FORM the other day #i feel weirdly shy about it. maybe especially because i can't devote myself to running anything to the best of my ability until after April #and even then i'd have to make some decisions about 1) whether i want an actual DMing Break #and 2) if i want to get back into acting Shakespeare in the summer #which would make having other hobbies a little more difficult. not impossible just i'd have less time #not to mention creative energy would be less for fic -- and i miss writing fic :(#why can't i have unlimited creative energy and time to use it i ask you #/grumbles

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jrwiyuri · 9 months

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Why is it that can’t I recognize my own beloved mutuals but I can recognize the Neil Gaiman /neg blog poster

#stupid snake talk #^ this is a big over exaggeration it was more /crit #and also it was literally like less than 5 posts (only one of which was serious) + it was such valid criticism/ negativity #but i just find it bizarre that i instantly recognized them like?#I don’t even care about good o/mens why is my brain doing this to me #a little bit funny to be honest #you WILL know about the problematic past of a book creator you don’t care about and you WILL recognize the person who granted you that info #like okay I guess.. can u let me remember todays date instead maybe

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syncrovoid-presents · 8 months

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I am. Not dead. BUT will be gone for a like a day or few because the stuff at work did not! want! to! work!

Which I'd another way of saying that I finally was able to get free after working 34 consecutive hours in a row. The day prior I got 1 hour of sleep and that is all after 5 days of 10 or 11 hour work days.

I am so sleepy. I am taking tomorrow off and probably going to sleep right through it. Anywho cheers everyone!! I am going to go to the shadow realm now @:P

#syncrovoid.txt #delete later #maybe??#the one coworjer that has been helping as best he can is now calling me a cyborg haha! it is funny #but strange because before i was officially hired the supervisor (lead programmer) said i was #i was like a robot and if i had been perfect there'd be no difference #<- this was his notes when i finished my (payless) practicum there that lead to me being hired before graduating #ironically the new guy (hes been around half a year lol) was one of the only other people that graduated from my course #none of us ever met but it is cool!! and he did a lot to help out over this week of nonstop work #<- okay i KNOW someone will say “hey. you know you could have stopped right?”#but consider. i have very bad body awareness so i dont notice much impact from sleep deprivation and also i would feel so guilty @:(#and also consider!! i have either earned a hefty paycheck of the redt of the week off so like. capitalism yay?????#<- i do not support capitalism #ALSO sleep deprivation is SOOO silly because i get hyper! i feel like i get more and more energy and my brain doesnt stop thinking!#i have had a grand total of 3 hours of sleep in the past uhhh 4 days??#it is so silly!! but probably not good for me #but i CAN confirm to you that when websites say it takes 3 days of no sleep to start hallucinating they are exaggerating #it takes at least 5 or a week with only 1 or 2 hours sleep #even then it is so minor.#weirdest sleep deprivation hallucinations ive had was where every second time i blinked the world was overlayed with a different one #it has happened twice and it is literally and without exageration the STRANGEST feeling in the world. in the universe even #it is like you are flickering btween two realms that occupy the same physical space but from two different theoretical spaces #if that makes sense??#the first time it happened it was at a huge school sleep over and every few moments the gym full of sleeping bags and other peeps #would transform into all the chill monsters just living their life. like monsters in terms of not looking human nor like any earthly creatur #but not mentally monsters. it was like a towns square sort of thing? so they were rushing about and coming in and out the doors #second time it happened i was like 14 and in the back of an overstuffed car with a friend and their mom and we were in the middle of nowhere #forest for hours and hours longer still. slept on the side of the road lol. but it was like very so often huge huge giants would step over #the trees. all you could see was the somewhat woody-scaly texture of these massive massive poles or legs or whatever #slowly moving over the forest and walking around. looking up into the sky they just faded away too tall to see

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strangerhands · 27 days

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ohmygodddddd i am a fucking genius...👁️ the fic idea i just came up with. the Specific Line i thought up. its such a random idea but its so so cute and sweet and ugh its gonna plague me forever. kinda proud of myself to be honest so lets just hope i can Actually write it soon🧎

#mmm brain isnt always bad sometimes i guess.#its some unapologetic jake fluff btw #bc he deserves it #also i forgot i cant really spend time on tumblr today bc ill be busy again lol so tomorrow it is (hopefully)#but its gonna be a good day bc me and my bestie are going to see love lies bleeding And immaculate together😋😋#and probably get some lunch and maybe ice cream too #excited #have been looking forward to today #and then after today im looking forward to finally crawling back into my little tumblr cave #hopefully i can Actually Read.#and yk. writing would be nice too.#also im goin back on sertraline today and apparently it can be used for ocd too so i will try to see if any of That feels different as well #raaaaaa #still havent fully researched ocd tho🧎ive been procrastinating🧎as i do🧎#anyways goodnight its 5am.#shouldnt have had that 8pm iced capp #i downed that shit fr #ok bye bye love yall #talkin shit #FUCK YES THIS POSTED LIKE ON THE VERY SECOND 5:15 WAS ENDING YESSS #sorry i actually like am distressed when the minute(s) of my posts arent posted on a 0 or 5 or like the same as the previous number #and when it is i feel like actual relief and joy #and when it isnt i contemplate deleting and waiting until the desired minute to post again.#anddd sometimes i actually do.#i also will just wait several minutes to post something when its not the exact minute i want yet #or ill queue it for like. literally a couple minutes in the future.#yeah i have many issues #okay gn thank you for reading if you read🧍🫶#i always either suck my own dick or beat my own ass.#rarely ever is there an in between

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iknowwhereyousleepatnight · 8 months

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i have classes again! (i do not know if this is good or not yet) so i will not be able to draw as often. that or i will be drawing extra as a way to procrastinate working on assignments

#ughhhhh i hate transitioning from no classes to classes again this shit sucks #i love being in class but it takes a while before my brain can get used to being in school mode #i wish they just never gave me breaks i would like that a whole lot better #i'm also having a crisis thinking about changing my major #but idk if that's because i actually want to or if i'm just v uncomfortable rn at the thought of having to learn how to be in school again #at the very least i get to go to class looking great today #yesterday i got my hair dyed so now it's neon red orange and yellow #someone told me i look like someone was making their first OC and they had fire powers #another told me i looked like sunset shimmer from mlp #at the very least i look rad as hell and it will make up for whatever horrible thing i end up doing wrong today #i really should've tried to take a class with a prof i'm familiar with but nooooo i waited too long to choose classes #and now i'm stuck with people i don't know who are going to say words to me when all i want is to not say a single word all day long #also i had to wake up at 5:30 today and will probably have to again bc i don't drive so i carpool and they have to work early as fuck #and now i'm on campus and also locked out of the buildings because i can't get the ID scanner to work and the buildings don't unlock yet #at least the feral cats keep me company in these trying times #and waking up early means that i'm just tired enough to not give a fuck anymore so at least i'm not sobbing on the floor (yet)#i'll probably try to save that for after classes end #though i'm feeling strangely okay today which i think might just be the grace period between transitions where i get to act like a human #before i freak out later #or maybe i just missed being in class enough to beat the bad vibes out of me? (probably not but i can hope)#i'm just saying words at this point but that's okay #i'm sure i'm interesting enough for everyone to love hearing about my morning #in which case i want everyone to know that i got the stupidest jacket from the thrift store a while back #and i am rocking it rn #every day i get up and get dressed i look in the mirror and see someone who would fit in better as an art student #but art doesn't make you money and i've lived in poverty too long to go with that #but if i'm stuffed somewhere where i have to have natural hair color and boring clothes at an office job i will probably go batshit tbh #the goal is to be so valuable in whatever field i choose that i get to do whatever i please #like L #anyway i have said so many words

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polaraffect · 3 months

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current state of politics really got me swerving wildly between "yes I want to present as a man" and "oh god is this even worth it maybe I'm not even really trans" and it's bringing me to my limit

#damien.txt #sorry its like 5 am and i havent slept and wanna vent so. here inam #i really do be having a wild time bc ill have like. weeks at a time where ill be like. wait a second. what if im not trans actually #okay well. never in a 'im 100% not trans' way but in a 'maybe i shouldnt transition' way #and then ill have a day where i wake up and go. oh. i think that feeling is just coming from fear about. the current state of trans issues #because oh my FUCKING GOD am i scared like 24/7 bc of that shit #and so like. then im like. maybe i really am like. actually transmasc. fr. bc i like. literally have been feeling it my whole life.#and then i wake up a couple weeks later back at the beginning like hmm....... but..... what if....#and im so tired of not knowing!! it's fucking exhausting questioning what the fuck is happening w me every 2 seconds #and im being dramatic abt it but idk. i think its a symptom of neurodivergence or something bc im like. so so scared abt being trans atm #at a level that is. certainly unhealthy.#and it really feels like something that is inhibiting me from doing things in life which is like. upsetting y'know!#but at the same time. the concept of going thru life as my birth gender is... bad. sort of inconceivable at this point.#and this is particularly hard bc like. really going back and forth on making decisions abt taking T. bc when i get in these spirals #abt maybe not being trans. i get the urge to not take it. but like. i cant fluctuate w a medicine like that that much!#but at the same time when i go back to being like oh yeah transmasc... my brain is like cool. take T again. so. fuck me i guess.#idk man. im just like. i just want to live my life without being perceived by others actually #my true gender is no one's business <3 thanks #i am. tired.

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andthebeanstalk · 5 months

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"Oh, Jack. You silly boi. You know that help at the top of the stairs is no help at all."

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Art piece i may delete later about my parents offering money to me and my sisters to pay for either grad school (a thing I don't want and can't do with my disability) or my wedding (also a thing I don't need/want), but not for anything that would actually help me escape poverty and find stable housing and income.

Like, I recognize the privilege of being able to complain that my parents have offered me a bunch of money but in the wrong way.

But also if that money is on top of a flight of stairs that I can't climb (but my sisters can), then I haven't really been offered money, so much as I have watched money I need be placed somewhere I can't reach it. Which tbh feels worse than if it was never mentioned to me in the first place.

I was gonna send this art to them and i wrote this big long message to go with it, but then I decided to wait until my therapy session on Tuesday to talk it thru with her first, since I've literally never regretted doing that.

Besides, both of my parents are lawyers and right now they're providing me and my friends with a lot of free legal advice about this property we're trying to buy together, so I don't want to rock the boat currently.

I just wish I knew if I had access to that money as a poor person in need of stable housing and quality disability care, and I wish my parents weren't world-class hLepers who have a long and triggering history of engaging me in rigorous debate about the kind of help I should be allowed to receive from them as a disabled person.

Nothing like having to provide an argument that would hold up in court every time I'm sick and need help! Love that! Love that I can't even talk about money with them now without having invasive thoughts about it for days to come due to past incidences in which this repeated behavior of theirs literally endangered my life!!

Not like I need that mental capacity for working on the largest and most exciting opportunity of my life that also happens to line up with my hopes and dreams for the future!! It's fine!! What do I even need mental capacity for anyway?????

This wouldn't even be the first time this little Distrust Fund has caused problems for my relationship with my parents. They are very opposed to that money being used to help my disability and it has caused PROBLEMS for us that we have never quite recovered from.

It's just difficult to be reminded that although our relationship has gotten better (mostly thanks to me setting boundaries), that doesn't mean they now actually believe what I need for my disability when I tell them.

They really do love me, and they have only ever acted with the best of intentions . But good intentions cease to matter when the impact is harmful and repeated. And they have proven to be repeatedly incapable of providing non-ableist support for me again and again and again. They've even genuinely tried to learn; and sometimes it really seems like my mom has made progress with her therapist (who is disabled), but who knows when I can so jarringly be reminded of how quickly that toxic ableist thinking can show its ugly face.

It's so clear to me and they don't even know it's there.

It feels like I'm in a horror movie when I try to get them to understand their own ableism, and that is a good good sign that I may want to consider an approach that minimizes my mental damage instead. Even if it means I don't get their stupid, deeply-conditional-and-yet-the-conditions-are-SO-vague-and-they-won't-admit-it money.

#original #diary #ableism #ableism cw #if they actually trusted me they'd just give me the fucking money but WHATEVER #maybe it's cause of all those times i was really reckless and irresponsible with money-- OH WAIT. THAT HAS LITERALLY NEVER FUCKING HAPPENED #I GRADUATED BUSINESS SCHOOL WITH HONORS AND HAVE NEVER HAD ISSUES WITH OVER-SPENDING #maybe they subconsciously think I'm stupid w money bc I'm poor. but i doubt my sisters could just get the whole lump sum either.#I HAVE BEEN LIVING FRUGALLY MY ENTIRE ADULT LIFE YOU BASTARDS #I would say there's a 5% chance they pleasantly surprise me but I have to be careful not to spend too much energy on it #the invasive thoughts around my family's ableism are super aggressive and constant when they start #and so i would rather have no help than that stinky-ass hLep that hurts my brain and heart so bad for days after #hLep #anyway i don't want their help paying for a wedding bc i am housing insecure with no income and so is my wife #and besides that wedding planning is hard and stressful and involves either including or snubbing relatives i don't like #so like if you offer me thousands of dollars i would be like Great! More savings means more safety and security!#i would NOT be like Okay time to spend $2000 on fucking flowers I have SHIT GOING ON #if i have a wedding then the cost will be the cost of pizza for all the guests.#also govt says i can't get married or i lose my disability payments so ryan and I just decided we are married years ago #i need SO much disability care equipment that i don't have and i am unable to hold a standard full time job #but yeah sure maybe I'll go get another DEGREE despite my interests being completely non academic. fuck OFF.#i have been writing or making art about this all evening this is not how I wanted to spend the evening it is past 4am #hopefully this processing and drawing and journaling will allow me to remove this issue from the very forefront of my mind #it's a careful line to walk between processing and obsessing. but good processing helps you stop obsessing #hopefully I can save some of the more painful parts of this for therapy so I can focus on other stuff for the next couple days #listen if interacting with someone in a certain way makes you feel like you're in a horror movie then something needs to change #and sometimes the change is that we need to make literal and emotional distance between us and those people bc they aren't learning #okay okay time for edibles and a shower i fuckin earned it and even if i didn't I can do whatever I fucking want 👌#and also I deserve nice things by default #and so do you

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thebirdandhersong · 2 years

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feel like I'm vibrating physically and also on the inside..... today is the Absolute Worst because there is a bajillion things due by late afternoon and I have none (zero) of the energy and stamina to do any of it...... but I need to get through it so that I can make it to the weekend without collapsing, spontaneously combusting, or throwing up (came close to it yesterday and would really like to not do so today)

#today is the day All the Things need to get done. for someone who likes having a hard deadline i am having a terrible terrible time #got maybe 1/4 of the things done? and have only 5 hours left to get a move on and finish the rest #and after work there's House Cleaning after house cleaning there's Socialization after socialization there's limited sleep #and then onto the next day of More Cleaning #okay will stop complaining now and will head off to do thing number 5 but YOWZA man i'd like to go about my day #without every nerve in my body jangling and making a ruckus #while the brain fog is getting thicker by the minute #slings and arrows of outrageous fortune in year 21

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oatbugs · 2 years

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i can feel every single nerve and organ and bone inside my body. an exercise in emptiness: what will the next thought in your head be?

#i feel like im going insane . went in the psych department w my friend again i decided to stop hating it for no reason except that its not #maths . why the fuck dont you study ? because the module name starts with a PS ? i need to love it without #feeling shame for myself . i feel like im gonna get into trouble with my university for prying open locked automatic doors at 1 AM but its #alright (that building is haunted anyway). its not about him but it is but it really isnt its about everything it means its about the way i #cant cry for myself the way i used to its the sadness and happiness and that im turning 20 soon and im going a little insane but im shocked #that i still have friends i love im shocked that i am loved im shocked that i dont feel disgusted thinking about him yet #(and ill look for a man to turn me into a hare just like you did when you did what you did)#when alt j 3ww said . f5 f6 f6 f5 f5 #i constantly feel like my chest is about to explode and i have no idea why its a physical pain its great and also horrible #id like to rip out my ribcage and put a bird and some flowers inside it id like to rip out my sternum and pierce the thoughts with it #4 43 AM i have an exam about brains i stared at a vintage photo of a brain pinned and labelled i learned the names and positions of sulci #im learning about magic (action potentials) and gates inside your brain and every day i learn how hard your body tries to keep you alive #(his lips turn sharp when he smiles) (choking on flowers and music and fear) (feel every feeling inside my throat feel metal at the back #of my head) (i miss your hard edges i miss your bone marrow)#hypothesis : perhaps if i put my lips on someone elses lips and i dont let go of them for a few hours ill be okay #needle (sharp like the spice in what i made you) shooting 5 mg of haldol straight into the hypothalamus . gave myself a concussion and #since that night my head has been blooming . the violin today felt like liquid gold . moderato - spiritoso - the bow turned my heart inside #out . id like to scream and i have no idea why but one day i will turn my vertebrae into a bouquet of flowers for you all.#yesterday my boy with the beautiful hair looked at me and held me tight enough that i heard his heartbeat (or maybe it was mine)#for a second or two and i wish i could lean on him for this except his heart has been crushed by the mathematician discerning eyes #for a while and a half .#dyed your hair red i dyed your hair brown youre on my bed and your hand touches my hand and every day i am amazed by the way your mind #turns my guts and my heart inside out #for a second or two and i wish i could lean on his bony shoulders for this except his lungs have filled with water #for a while and a half . dyed your hair red i dyed your hair brown youre on my bed i stare at the grace of her hands you are evidence #that angels and pomegranate seeds and create the economist of our dreams . game theory and good actions by any other name .#she makes the sound the sea makes knee deep in the north sea

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musical-chick-13 · 11 months

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ANIMATION IS NOT AN INFERIOR MEDIUM ANIMATION IS NOT AN INFERIOR MEDIUM ANIMATION IS NOT AN INFERIOR MEDIUM ANIMATION IS NOT AN INFERIOR MEDIUM ANIMATION IS NOT AN INFERIOR MEDIUM ANIMATION IS NOT AN INFERIOR MEDIUM ANIMATION IS NOT AN INFERIOR MEDIUM--*I am forcibly removed from the building*

#'wah why are the only recommendations I get when I say I want this type of storytelling device animated things' because they're good #next question. watching an animated piece of media won't kill you or rot your brain I promise #I mean...I think it's good to have a wide breadth of things you read/watch/etc. so I'm not saying LIMIT yourself to animation #but I don't think you should discount it either. all forms of art are valuable. because they're a form of art. like...my god #I did NOT suffer through 5 years of music school to be okay with any sense of artistic elitism #(yes I am pulling out my 'professional musician' card. if you wanna be petty then so can I.)#anyway go watch noir 2001 maybe you'll feel better :)

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