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atinylittlepain · 1 year

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Of Saints and Sinners - Chapter 7

Joel Miller x f!reader/f!oc

series masterlist

warnings | 18+ SMUT (yeehaw), angst, canon-typical violence

a/n | happy TLOU night, y'all :) at long last, Joel fucks, but not until after some serious angst

It’s been two weeks since she first came over to listen to records. Since Joel finally made a fool of himself for her. She spent the night with Joel, after that shared moment, just holding onto each other, talking. She’s spent the night every day since, listening to music, lazily kissing like teenagers. Joel’s learning how to talk to her, draw her out, without pressing too hard to the point she shuts down. He doesn’t ask about the childcare center, though he hears from Maria that she’s been visiting daily. He doesn’t ask anything about Steve or Alex, or her time in Seattle. She likes to talk about Ellie, whom she’s grown pretty fond of, and they can trade stories about the girl. He lets her ask a lot of questions about him and he does his best to be open, even telling her about Sarah. And if all else fails, Joel’s figured out that she can talk about music until she’s blue in the face.

She’s been turning up around the same time every night, dusk settling in. She’s still strangely polite, knocking lightly on the door, even though Joel has started unlocking it right around sunset for her, told her to just come in. When he opens the door to her, she’s always got this worried look, a warbly smile and furrowed brows, like she’s questioning if she’s still welcome. It’s no different tonight. Joel easily pulls her in by her wrist, wrapping his arms around her and drawing her in tight. She’s quick to slip out of his hold though, and Joel can see that worried look is still on her face.

“Don’t even ask me,” Joel speaks first, before she can needle at him.

“You don’t even know what I was going to ask,” she huffs, stepping back and crossing her arms over her chest.

“You were gonna ask me if I’d talk to Tommy about getting you back on shifts. The answer is still no.” Steve’s been doggedly working to keep her off of patrol and Joel can see that she’s getting restless, the last two nights asking him if he’d talk to his brother about getting her back on the schedule.

“I’ve been back for almost a month, I feel fine, all the bruising is practically gone, but everyone’s treating me like I’m fucking broken or something.”

“You’re not broken. We’re trying to keep you safe.” She scoffs, “I don’t need to be looked after like a child. I can handle myself perfectly fine, I was handling myself perfectly fine. I just… slipped.”

“So why risk slipping again? There’s plenty— “ Her eyes flash at Joel and she’s instantly up in his space again. “Do not tell me there’s plenty of work around town when you know that’s not what this is about.” He huffs, stepping back and dragging a heavy hand down his face.

“No, of course not. It’s about some sick pride you have in constantly putting yourself in danger. People love a martyr, right? And you’re more than happy to give them one. Pfft, you worried people are gonna stop calling you the saint? Is that what it is? Some sort of self-righteous bullshit?” She swallows hard, getting small, and Joel realizes too late he let his frustration push too far. He goes to reach for her, but she shuffles back, bumping into the banister at the foot of the stairs. She keeps her gaze on the floor as she speaks.

“I didn’t ask for that, any of it. I did what I’m good at, tolerating danger, pain, risk. That’s what I’m good at. I don’t give a fuck what sorta meaning people give it. That’s not my business. But don’t you ever suggest that what I do is done for pride because lord knows I haven’t got any.” Joel’s come to find that she doesn’t really cry, her voice gets a little shake to it and her eyes get watery, but that’s it, no tears fall. That’s the state he sees her in as she says this to him, harshly scrubbing at her nose afterwards.

Joel opens and closes his mouth a few times, drowning in what he wants to say. Before he can get anything out, she sighs, “Think I should probably just go home.”

“Oh, right, because god forbid anyone push you even a little bit. You act so tough, but really if someone so much as looks at you the wrong way you wilt. What you said? About being good at tolerating pain? That’s bullshit. You ain’t as tough as you think you are, darlin. You’re just real good at running.” The frustration in Joel has snapped, and now it’s all just racing loose in him. He knows he’s going to regret what he just said, but right now, all he feels is relief in telling her how he sees it. She shoves at his chest, a hard push that makes him stumble back.

“Fuck you, Miller. Stay the fuck away from me.” She cuts towards the front door, Joel still too stunned by her seething anger to do anything but watch her slam it behind her.

Joel lets out a ragged exhale. What the hell just happened? He knows what he said came out all wrong, but he also knows there’s some truth to it. He was walking on eggshells around her, worried he’d bring up the wrong thing and she’d spook. It seems like it finally happened, he pushed too hard and she bolted. He had been open with her, was it so wrong to expect the same thing in return?

Joel doesn’t sleep that night. When Ellie comes home later, she finds him, sitting on the stairs with his head in his hands.

“You messed up, didn’t you?” She’s smirking at him. “Is it that obvious?”

“You’re looking pretty pathetic, old man. That and I saw her shooting darts with Steve at the bar. She only does that when she’s really pissed.” He huffs at that, standing up with a groan.

“Got any advice, genius?” Ellie shrugs, “not really, just don’t let her stay mad at you too long. If she doesn’t like you anymore she might stop spending time with me.” She’s already shuffling off to the garage as Joel mutters “gee, thanks.”

…

Things go back to how they were before, and Joel is embarrassed to admit how agonizing it’s been. He only got close to her for a blink of time, but it was enough that her absence feels like a physical wound. He goes out on patrol, and goes straight home most days. She left her albums at his house, and he listens to them all night, even though he doesn’t like either of them at all. He can picture her listening to them, that content look she’d settle into, and sometimes it’s enough peace to send him to sleep.

Ellie tells him that she’s back on patrol shifts with Alex. No raids anymore though. He supposes that’s her idea of compromise.

Finally, after two weeks of what Ellie has been referring to as his “recluse routine,” Joel is coaxed out to the bar by his brother. There’s a small group formed around Roger, that young man Joel had started taking shifts with previously. The town was in a bit of a stir, heard that Roger had handled a proper hoard of clickers that morning up at the dam. Watching Roger, Joel thought to himself that the kid was acting a little too big for his breeches, regaling his audience with his over-dramatized kills. He also saw her, throwing darts in the back with Steve. Joel did his best not to look at her too long. Johnny Cash was playing tonight.

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine

I keep my eyes wide open all the time

I keep the ends out for the tie that bands

Because you’re mine, I walk the line…

Joel’s only partly engaged in the conversation he’s having with Tommy, keeping an ear to Roger’s musings.

“You know, I think we’re all capable of killing, really, when it comes down to it. It just gets drawn out of us by different things. I think for most it’s purely a matter of survival. When it comes down to life or death, I think we’d all kill.” Joel watches her and Steve pass off the darts to another pair, sitting down at a table in the back. Both seem keenly interested in what Roger’s spouting off, sipping idly from their glasses.

I find it very, very easy to be true

I find myself alone when each day’s through

Yes, I’ll admit that I’m a fool for you

Because you’re mine, I walk the line…

“Now, don’t get me wrong, there are other folks that it doesn’t take much to get them to kill. Loose cannons.” She’s getting up to leave, squeezing Steve’s shoulder before starting to push through the crowd.

As sure as night is dark and day is light

I keep you on my mind both day and night

And happiness I've known proves that it's right

Because you're mine, I walk the line…

“Take the saint, for example. Now, if you ask me, that one’s got a dark streak in her. I don’t care how holy you folks think she is. I’m telling you, that girl’s got a few screws loose.” Joel’s already on his feet, ready to shut Roger up himself, but she beats him to it, spinning on her heel where she stands and walking back to his table. Everyone parts for her and she hoists him up by the collar, punching him square in the jaw. Roger falls to the ground and she’s on him in a flash, jostling him by his shirt.

“You better watch who you talk about Roger, those loose cannons are prone to friendly fire.” She stands abruptly, briefly catching Joel’s gaze before shoving out of the bar.

Joel looks to Steve, “you gonna go check on that?” The young man shrugs, taking a swig of his drink, “don’t see the problem, she handled it. No use talking to her when she’s mad.”

Joel huffs, shouldering his way out of the crowd and into the cooling night. He finds her out back of the bar, leaning against the wall, head tipped back with her chin jutted at the sky.

She glances at him as he nears, sighing.

“Busted my fucking hand on that asshole’s face.” Joel snorts at this, “He had it coming, way he was running his mouth.” She scoffs, “gonna be the talk of the town tomorrow.”

Joel presses his back against the wall next to her, their shoulders brushing. He grasps her wrist, pulling her hand up to study the damage across her knuckles.

“Why don’t you come with me, get this cleaned up?” She nods mutely and lets Joel lead her back to his house.

They’re in his bathroom. Joel has her sit on the edge of the sink as he stands between her legs, daubing a washcloth at her bloodied knuckles. She’s keeping her focus on her hand, not glancing up at him.

“How have you been?” He pauses, lets out a humorless chuckle, “you’re asking how I’ve been?” She just shrugs, “haven’t seen you around.”

“I thought that’s what you wanted,” Joel murmurs, getting ready to wrap some gauze around her knuckles. She sighs, bringing her hand over his.

“I need to apologize, Joel. For how I reacted that night.” He stops his ministrations, flipping his palm to let their hands entwine. “I’m sorry too. Shouldn’t have said all that, let my frustration get to me.” She shakes her head, looking up at him.

“No. What you said. It hurt. But it had some truth. I am good at running. I’m always running. From everything, everyone.” She lets out a shaky exhale, “but I don’t wanna run anymore, not from you, if you’ll still have me.” Joel feels his shoulders slacken, not even realizing the tension that had been simmering in them. He swallows thickly.

“Don’t even gotta ask. Even if you did have a few screws loose like Roger said, I’d still have you, darlin.” She laughs wetly at that, and Joel didn’t realize how badly he wanted to hear that sound again.

They fall into a simpering silence as he finishes wrapping her hand. When he’s finished, he rests both his palms over the tops of her thighs, giving a light squeeze before stepping back to let her hop down from the sink. She brings her hand to the side of his neck, thumb brushing the curve of his jaw as she draws him down to a fluttering kiss. She whispers a thank you before taking his hand, drawing him out into his bedroom. Joel feels like he’s in a hazy dream as she gently presses him to sit on the end of his bed, standing in front of him.

Joel’s breath hitches as he watches her start to work at the buttons of her shirt. She keeps her gaze fixed to his, and he doesn’t dare look away, only catching glimpses of skin in the periphery as she reaches the last few buttons. And she finally slips the shirt down her shoulders, letting it fall around her feet, and Joel’s heart is hammering so hard he thinks she can hear it. She’s smiling and Joel can see the nerves jumping in the corners of her eyes, her lips, as she reaches behind her to unclasp her bra, letting the straps slide down her arms until the fabric falls to the floor as well. Suddenly, Joel is painfully aware of the fact that it’s been a long time since he’s seen a naked woman. His hands are shaking where they’re balled in the bedsheets, and he has to remember how to breathe for a second.

She steps forward, gently grabbing his wrists to pull him up with her. She guides his palms to splay across her stomach, fingers curling around her waist. He can feel the push and pull of her breath, the way it’s catching on each inhale. Slowly, he lets his hands wander, mapping the curve of her sides, grazing over her ribs, flickering over the birds tattooed below her collarbone. He drags his fingertips across her shoulders, down her arms until he tentatively circles behind her. He takes in the expanse of her back and can feel how she tenses under his gaze. The scars that he remembers glimpsing are there, both heartbreaking and breathtaking in the endurance they suggest. Joel drops his head, letting his lips drag across the tops of her shoulder blades, the hilt of her neck, from one shoulder across to the other, murmuring the word “beautiful” like a prayer into her skin. She draws in a ragged breath before turning in his hold, pulling him in by his neck until they meet in a hot tangle of tongues and teeth. The way she licks into his mouth draws a low groan from Joel’s throat, wrapping his arms around her to pull her in deeper. She draws away for a moment, fumbling with the hem of his shirt before he’s quick enough to yank it over his head by the collar. When they pull back together they’re pressed skin to skin in a way Joel thinks he could become addicted to. He walks her back until they both stumble onto the sheets, huffing with the awkward shifting and tangling of limbs before they’re meeting each other again, dragging desperate kisses.

She lets her nails graze down his torso before settling on his belt. Joel pulls back when he hears the metal clinking as she undoes it. Her eyes are blown wide as she looks him over.

“Is this ok?” Joel can barely get an answer out, just grunting an “mm-hmm” and then she’s smiling as she pops the button of his jeans, moving her hand through the thatch of curls there before taking him in the softness of her palm. He lets out a broken moan, head falling into the crook of her neck where he starts to leave bruising kisses that make her gasp his name. She’s stroking him as best she can in the confines of his boxers and he’s letting the most pathetic whimpers ride from the back of his throat. He grasps her wrist, drawing her hand to rest by the side of her head.

“Too much?” He breathes a laugh, “just don’t want it to be over too soon.” She smiles, craning her neck to peck the corner of his mouth. He presses back so he’s kneeling between her legs, drawing his palms down the sides of her torso until settling at the waist of her pants. He looks to her and she nods, pressing the back of her hand to her mouth, hiding the quirk of her lips. His hands are shaking again as he unzips her pants, whispering a hoarse “hips up, darlin” as he slides them down her legs, shuffling back so he can get them all the way off. Joel’s mouth goes slack. She’s left before him, bare, save for a pair of plain cotton underwear. He leans back in before he can think too hard about this being the prettiest sight he’s ever seen, resting his elbow beside her head before meeting her for another drawn kiss. He lets his other hand wander down the center of her chest, fingertips grazing over her peaked nipple before sliding further down the dip and swell of her stomach, finally slipping under the band of her underwear. He swipes through her folds, drawing the wetness pooling there to slide over her clit, and she preens, stretching out her neck and pressing her head back into the sheets. Joel rests his chin on her sternum, watching how her brow furrows, the little whines he can draw out of her with how he moves his fingers through her.

“So wet, baby. It’s all for me?” She gasps as he slips one finger into her curling it just so. “Yes, Joel. It’s all you. All for you.” He grins big at that, pressing another finger into her, knees feeling a little weak at the stretch, the tightness. He lets his mouth smear across her chest, head dipping to take one of her nipples into his mouth, grazing her with his teeth. The noise that draws from her, from the back of her throat, makes his cock pulse.

He can feel her getting tighter around his fingers as he brings his thumb to swipe over her clit. “I want you to come for me, baby. Can you do that? Come undone for me?” She nods hard, gasping as he continues to thrust into her, eyes scrunched shut.

“Yes I wanna come for you– please don’t stop– p-please don’t stop,” her one arm has come to wrap around Joel’s back, nails digging into muscle.

“Open your eyes for me, baby. Wanna see you when you come. Let me see you, darlin,” her eyes blow wide, staring up at Joel as he dips down to kiss her. And then she’s pulling away, letting out a broken cry and Joel can feel how she flutters around his fingers. He works her through her high, pulling away only when she starts to squirm. Her eyes are bleary, chest heaving as she cards her fingers through his hair. He leaves kisses along her jaw, her cheeks, before settling for a firm peck at her lips. She smiles up at him.

“I wanna feel you. I want you.” His head spins at her words. He leaves one more kiss on her lips before slowly standing, shedding his jeans and boxers in one sweep, finally aware of just how painfully hard he is. She shimmies her underwear off her legs before sitting back on her elbows, feet planted on the mattress with her knees bent wide as she watches him stroke himself a few times. The image is obscene. The image is divine. He kneels back between her legs, drawing her ankles to wrap loosely at his low back while he hovers over her. Her hands fall at his shoulders, one reaching up into the back of his hair, scratching lightly. He slides his cock through her wetness, both of them breathing ragged, trembling. He slowly starts to press into her and she gasps, a broken whimper in her throat. Joel stills.

“Did I hurt you?” She shakes her head, looking up at him with watery eyes, “just need it slow. Been a long time.” He nods, pecking her temple before tentatively starting to press further in, drawing gasps out of her with each experimental thrust. How he hasn’t come already is beyond him, the way she’s throbbing around him. Their hips finally meet and she lets out a sharp sigh, pulling him down to wrap her arms fully around him.

“Need a minute like this.” He nods into her neck, leaving light kisses across her collarbone. Her grip on his neck slowly loosens and he presses up to gaze at her. She nods, letting him know he can move. Joel groans as he pulls out, letting his hips roll back into hers, keeping his pace slow and drawn out. She’s a vision beneath him, flushed and preening, little pants of his name as he finds a steady rhythm to push and pull them to.

He reckons that nothing has ever felt like this before, so terrifyingly right. He dips back down, keeping her close, chests brushing with each thrust, limbs tangled and slick with sweat, lips swallowing each other's sighs.

Pleasure is pulling taut at the base of his spine, his pace starting to falter. “‘M sorry, baby, gettin close. Need you to come for me. Need to feel you, darlin.” His voice is thick, whatever’s left of his Texan accent rolling deeply now, making his words feel like molasses in his mouth. She grips the hair at the nape of his neck, drawing a low groan from him as she nods desperately, “gonna come for you, Joel. Please– make me come.” He brings his hand back to her clit, a firm and fierce pressure that makes her clench around him. His eyes roll back at the sensation, and he can vaguely hear himself muttering please, please, please into her sternum, feeling himself teetering at the edge of release. She gasps his name when she comes undone and it takes all his strength for him to pull out, stroking himself a few times before he’s releasing over the soft planes of her stomach. They’re both breathing hard as they come down, Joel shifts to the side, laying down beside her.

“Get you cleaned up in a minute. Just– need to not move– for a little while.” She laughs at that, throwing a forearm over her eyes before glancing over at Joel. He feels like he’s died and come back, white noise behind his eyes, heart still racing.

He finally starts to calm down, turning his head to look at her, being met with her very smug appraisal of him. “Thought you might be done for, Miller.” He scoffs, rolling over to stand up and walk around to her side of the bed, pulling her up by her hands. “Can you blame me?” She blushes at that and he dips his head to give her a brief kiss before leading her back into the bathroom.

They shower together, both touching the other like they might break. She still flinches when his hands pass over her scars, but she’s also starting to soften. Joel has never felt anything as gentle as when she washes his hair for him, letting her guide his head back into the stream of water. All clean, he gives her one of his t-shirts and a pair of his boxers to sleep in. They slip into the sheets and she rests her head on his bare chest, right above his heart. He reckons it’s all hers anyways. He lets his fingers idly brush along her arm. She clears her throat.

“I-I’m gonna try– to let you in. And I’m probably gonna do a shit job at it. But I’m gonna try.” Joel pauses, holding his breath, before he dips slightly to press a kiss into her hair. Words fail him, so he settles for holding her a little tighter and bringing his hand down to entangle with hers giving a firm squeeze that she reciprocates.

Both of them sleep soundly, wrapped up in each other. A silent understanding settles between them in the still of the night.

#joel miller angst #joel miller fanfiction #joel miller #joel miller x you #joel miller x reader #joel miller smut #tlou fanfiction #the last of us #tlou

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atinylittlepain · 1 year

Text

Of Saints and Sinners - Chapter 8

Joel Miller x f!reader/f!oc

series masterlist

chapter summary: it continues to be a push and pull between her and Joel. Will they be able to overcome each other's steel?

warnings | 18+ canon-typical violence and gore, references to smut, angst

a/n | happy TLOU night :) I consider this chapter to be sort of a set up for the next leg of plot to this story, but there's plenty of angst to sink your teeth into here

Spring has pulled her verdant arms over Jackson, and Summer is close on her heels. The days are getting longer and brighter. The greenhouses are dizzyingly full of fresh produce. Ellie brings home a bowl of strawberries one day, and the taste makes Joel’s eyes water. But it’s not just the landscape that’s been set in a full thaw. She has all but officially moved in with him, each week a few more of her belongings finding permanent residence in his space. There’s a stack of her books on his nightstand, a folded pile of her clothes in his closet, two toothbrushes sitting in his bathroom.

While they go their separate ways in the morning, she is always at his place for dinner, talking easily with Ellie, helping in the kitchen. The first couple of times, Joel had found the scene strange, almost absurd in its domesticity. But, perhaps dangerously, he had easily gotten used to it because he liked it so much. She always spends the night, and when they tangle together, it’s like the first time all over again. He’d devour her if he could, that’s how much he wants her. The way she sighs his name when pleasure strokes down her spine, her nails grazing the expanse of his back, the taste of her and the way she preens into his mouth. They fall asleep most nights bare and slick with the salt of pleasure.

It’s in this position, a tangle of limbs and sighs, that they find themselves in tonight. She rests her cheek on his chest as he grazes his fingers down the length of her arm. His eyes trace the swirls of ink and scar that laces down her back. She no longer hides from him, and he knows it’s no small gift that she has given him.

“Can I ask you something?” She hums at his question, craning her neck to peer at him. He clears his throat before continuing.

“Will you tell me about these? All this ink?” He’s still careful about how much he pries, though she’s certainly been more willing to talk, he never knows when he might have pushed a bit too far. For a moment, he worries that he just has, but she offers him a small smile and nod. She sits up, kneeling between his legs. He still has to catch his breath seeing her bare body before him.

“What do you want to know, Joel?” He tentatively reaches a hand out to brush along the birds that sit below her collarbone, tracing down the swirls of ink on her one arm.

“Do they all have meaning?” Her smile brightens and she nods again. She takes both his wrists to guide his palms to splay back over the birds.

“These I got for my mother. Magpies were her favorite birds. Have you seen magpies before?”

“They’re a kind of crow, right?” She snorts, squeezing his wrists.

“They’re way cooler than crows. Bigger, and smarter. And wickedly loud.” She draws his one palm to her shoulder, down along her bicep where a swirling branch is inked.

“Cherry. And plum on the outside of my arm. My grandparents owned an orchard in Bend. We spent most of our summers there.” She twists in his old, her back facing him as Joel sits up. He doesn’t know how he didn’t see it before, but it’s now clear how the branches on her arm twine across her shoulder blades, following into the twisted trunks of trees that span down her spine. For the first time, he wholly takes in the expanse of her back, the twisting, silvery scars that lay under swaths of ink. He traces his fingers down the branches and she shivers under his touch.

“Alex is one hell of an artist.” She huffs out a laugh.

“He’s been working on a new tattoo gun. Putting it together out of scrap parts. Figure I’ll get something over the fresh scar.” His eyes instinctually dart to the puckered skin on her forearm. It’s healed over, but she keeps it bandaged during the day to keep prying eyes out. He draws his attention to her back again, and his eyes catch on a small figure in the one tree.

“Is that a–”

“Squirrel? Yeah, that’s for Jack.” A heavy silence falls after her words. It’s the one thing Joel knows not to ask about, that she’ll tell him scraps in time, when she’s ready. He knows that Jack was her little brother, and he knows she lost him, and that it destroyed her. He doesn’t pry, instead laying his palm over the inked creature.

“What’re you gonna get, when Alex’s gun is ready?” She turns back in his arms, nudging into his lap and drawing her fingers through his hair with a hum.

“Not sure yet. If you have any ideas, let me know.” She presses a chaste kiss to his mouth to seal her words. She seems to be thinking something over, thoughtlessly playing with the hair at the nape of his neck.

“Squirrels were his favorite animal.” Joel’s hands still where he had been skating them up her sides, letting them rest at her hips. He tries to keep his expression steady as he searches her face. She won’t quite meet his eyes as she continues.

“I would take him to the park after school and he never wanted to play or run around, he’d just sit and watch the damn squirrels.” She lets out a breathy laugh.

“I was always trying to get a laugh out of him, or just some reaction. So one day, we went to the park and I brought a bag of trail mix and just started throwing nuts and raisins to the squirrels. By the time we left, we had them eating off the toes of our shoes. It was so fucking weird, but it was his favorite thing, I think. We did it all the time afterwards.” She takes a deep breath, her shoulders slumping with the exhale.

“Anyways, um, yeah, the squirrel is Jack’s.” Joel knows there’s nothing he can say right now that’d be right. Even as she offers him a small smile, he can see the pain laced through her eyes. He dips his head and lays a kiss to her sternum before pulling her into his embrace. They don’t talk anymore that night.

…

The next morning, Joel is not pleased with what Ellie tells him over breakfast. Her old patrol partner is switching shifts and she’s now been paired up with Roger. He doesn’t miss the way she winces when she hears Ellie say his name.

“He’s not gonna be your partner for long, kid. That boy is an idiot. I’ll talk to Tommy today. Get the partners rearranged.” Ellie just shrugs at Joel, finishing her bowl of oatmeal before hurrying off out the door to get to her shift. Joel glances at her out of the corner of his eye, catching her smirk.

“Roger may be an idiot. But I’ve heard he’s good on patrol. You don’t have to worry about her, Joel.” He huffs, taking another swig of coffee.

“I’m still gonna talk to Tommy, find her a better partner. Would you wanna take shifts with her?” She looks taken aback by his question.

“I mean, do you think that’s a good idea? To have us put together?” Ellie still doesn’t know that she’s immune like her, nor does she know that it had been her immunity that had put her in so much danger previously. Joel hadn’t really even been thinking about that when he posed the idea, but now, remembering that day that Alex rode back by himself, without her, his stomach starts to churn. He shakes his head to clear the thought away.

“No, you’re right. I don’t like that idea at all. What about Alex?” She quirks an eyebrow at him.

“You trying to steal my patrol partner, Miller?” A smug grin settles on his face.

“Well, I may know someone else who’d be happy to fill the position.” That earns him a laugh, a sound that sends a giddy sweep up his spine.

“We did make a pretty good team, huh? Alright, I’ll talk to him about it. Pretty sure he wouldn’t mind.” She slips her palm into his. That’s new, the simple touches that they’re starting to share. Joel thinks it might be better than the sex, or at least a close second.

“I gotta go. I’m helping Maria with some new security plans. See you tonight?” He nods, watching her stand and clear her plate away. She sweeps back and presses a quick kiss to his lips, rubbing her palm on his chest.

“Be safe, darlin.”

“Bye, Joel.”

…

The sun is starting to set, and Ellie hasn’t come home from her shift yet. Joel is beginning to panic. He’s getting ready to set out looking for her himself when the front door opens, though it’s not Ellie. She looks just as worried as he feels.

“Have you seen Ellie?” “No, I heard that she hasn’t come back though. Joel, it’s getting dark, I think we need to go look for her.” He just nods, grabbing his gun and following her out into the quick darkening evening.

They don’t make it far on horseback before they see a figure cresting over the hill that lays before them. She keeps her gun cocked, but sure enough, it’s Ellie. There’s no sign of Roger. They set off at a gallop towards her, quickly dismounting when they come upon her. Joel’s on her in an instant, cupping her face in his hands and looking her over for injury. She doesn't appear to be hurt, just shaken.

“There was a cluster of them up near the dam. Jesus– they came out of nowhere. Roger’s dead.” Joel thinks to himself that he doesn’t give a fuck about Roger.

“Are you ok?” She just nods, but her eyes flicker down to her leg and Joel sees blood pooling in the ankle of her sock. He knows right away that she must have gotten bit again, trying to hide it in the presence of someone else.

“Ellie, it’s alright, she knows. About you.” Ellie’s eyes go wide and she shoves Joel away, her gaze darting between him and her.

“What the fuck, Joel? You’re the one who told me not to tell anyone. But apparently that doesn’t apply to your lady friend.”

“Ellie!” She steps forward then, placing a hand on his shoulder before he can bark out anything else, stepping between him and Ellie.

“It’s fine, Joel. Ellie, your secret is safe with me.” The girl scoffs.

“Oh yeah? Why should I believe you?” With that, she’s rolling up her shirt sleeve and unwinding the bandage on her forearm, bearing the still healing bite that wraps around her skin. Ellie is stunned speechless.

“Because I’m like you, kid.”

…

Ellie is silent the whole ride back. Joel goes to tell Tommy what happened while she hustles the girl home. She grabs their makeshift first aid kit and shuffles her into the bathroom, ordering Ellie to hop onto the counter while she sits on the ground to get a better look at her ankle. She pulls off her boot and sock, rolling up her pant leg, and sure enough, a fresh bite smeared across her calf. She lets out a low whistle.

“Got you good, kid. Let’s clean this up, alright?” She glances up at the girl, still nothing. She sighs and gets to work cleaning the wound. As she’s getting ready to wrap a dressing on the bite, Ellie finally speaks up.

“How did you find out?” She pauses.

“About you?” Ellie shakes her head.

“About yourself, how did you find out you were immune?” She sighs, standing up and pulling the collar of her shirt down to expose the top of her shoulder.

“If you squint you can see it under all that ink.” Ellie’s face draws closer to her shoulder, peering at the skin. She can see it in her face when she finally makes out the scarring, letting out a “woah” under her breath before backing off.

“Is that why you have all those tattoos?” She just nods, sinking back down to the floor to finish wrapping her calf. She considers not saying what she’s about to, but goes ahead anyway.

“You remember a couple months ago when I went missing?” Ellie nods.

“Well, it was because some people found out what I am, what we are. I think you know just as well that we have to be careful about this thing. Ellie, I want you to know that I would never, will never tell anyone, ok?” She smooths out the gauze on Ellie’s leg before standing, patting her knee.

“Now, you keep that clean and covered, and when it’s healed maybe we can see about getting you some ink, if you want.” Ellie grins, and it’s a relief to her.

“Oh, I want. You’re like the coolest person in this town and like forty percent of that is just ‘cause of your tattoos, so, hell yeah. Sign me up.” She snorts at that, squeezing the girl's arm before stepping aside and letting her hop down.

“Are you feeling ok?” Ellie shrugs, eyes settling on her feet.

“I mean, s’never a good day when someone dies on your watch, but I’ll be alright.”

“Hey. It wasn’t on your watch. Your da– Joel was right. Roger was a cocky idiot. He was gonna get himself hurt eventually. I’m just sorry it happened when you were around, kid.” Ellie just huffs, but still offers her a small “thank you” before walking off, headed towards her room in the garage. She feels her shoulders slacken from where they had been pinned up to her ears.

…

When he finally gets home, he finds her sitting at the dining table reading. She cranes her neck around to look at him as he enters.

“Told Tommy. Said he wasn’t surprised that Roger got picked off.” She huffs at that as Joel sits down beside her.

“Well I concur with Tommy. You hungry? I made dinner for Ellie and there’s leftovers.” He just shakes his head, letting out a long exhale.

“Joel? Did something else happen?” He pinches the bridge of his nose, feeling a massive headache rushing in.

“He, uh, wants you and Ellie to work patrol together. Sees you both being immune as a strength. I told him to forget it–” he cuts himself off when he looks at her and sees that she doesn’t seem as repulsed by the idea as he is. She shrugs.

“I don’t know, Joel. After today, maybe Tommy’s right?”

“You’re kidding, right?” She holds his gaze, steadfast.

“I’m serious. I mean, face it, as long as that kid is going out with people that aren’t like her, the chance that she comes back and they don’t is always going to be huge.”

“And just why is that a problem, so long as she’s coming back?” He can feel the frustration rising up in his throat at this conversation, the exhaustion and stress of the day pushing his limit.

“She may have come back this time, but I’m telling you Joel. Everytime she watches someone else die while she gets to live just because of the dumb luck of her immunity, another part of her is gonna get chipped away until she doesn’t come back at all.” He runs a ragged hand across his face, tugging at the roots of his hair. He can’t believe they’re actually having this conversation.

“You speaking from experience?” Her face twists up at that.

“Lose a lot of partners, huh? Had to come back alone?” He knows he’s being taunting, cruel even, but he can’t help it anymore, too lost in his anger.

“I can protect her, Joel. In a way that other people can’t. She doesn’t have to come back alone ever again.”

“So what, you’re gonna be some power team, huh? You may be immune, darlin, but you’re sure as shit not invincible. Already learned that the hard way.” It’s harsher than he wanted it to be and he can see the slight fall in her expression, but she steels back up.

“Now you’re just being a dick for the hell of it. I’m going to run patrol with her, Joel. Whether you like it or not.”

“No you’re not! Goddamnit! This isn’t some fucking game, don’t you see that? Quit trying to play the hero, trying to make up for the past. You can’t bring any of them back. You can’t bring him back.” It’s a shot in the dark really, an assumption he makes but it seems to hit the target as her face immediately goes slack.

“You can’t bring Ja–” She’s on him before he can even get the whole name out, her sheer strength taking him by surprise as she hauls him by his shirt collar and shoves him against the wall.

“You don’t fucking say his name. I’m taking patrol with Ellie. But you and I? Whatever this was? It’s over. Go find someone else to boss around.” She shoves him, hard, into the wall before turning heel and stomping out the front door before he can even get a word out.

Joel keels over for a moment, hands on his knees as he lets out a string of sharp curses and he can’t help thinking that he’s been somewhere very similar in the recent past. He slowly rights himself, dragging both his hands down his face. Before he can think better of it, he’s whipping around and punching his fist straight through the wall she had just slammed him against.

Everything goes silent for a moment as he studies his bloodied knuckles.

“What the fuck?” He swears he jumps a few feet in the air, finding Ellie staring at him like he’s crazy. He feels like he’s going crazy.

“Don’t ask, kid.”

…

Joel’s done caring. At least that’s what he keeps telling himself. He doesn’t look for her outside the childcare center, doesn’t ask Maria how she’s doing. If he sees Steve or Alex in the bar he heads home, not wanting to risk seeing her there. One day, he went out on patrol in the morning, and when he came home that night, all her books, her clothes, even her toothbrush was gone. He had broken two of his knuckles that night when he stupidly punched clean through the wall, and the pain is a constant reminder to keep his head down and mind his own business.

For once, Ellie doesn’t bug him about it, seeming to sense how torn up he really is. She does start taking patrol shifts with her, but she won’t tell Joel anything about it. He lets it be, so long as she keeps coming home safe.

A few weeks pass in this fugue state. His hand finally heals. Ellie keeps coming home in one piece. He’s slowly realized that it’s going to take practice, forgetting about her, and so his days are spent trying to forget. He takes on as many shifts as he can, working from sunup to sun down most days. They even elect him onto the town council with how much he’s been working with Tommy on shoring up security.

Spring has fully rolled over to summer, and Joel is starting to accept this life of forgetting until he’s forced to remember. Once again, Ellie doesn’t come home from her shift on time. He doesn’t wait around this time, immediately going to Tommy who agrees to go with him up into the mountains to look for her. The long summer days are to their advantage, keeping it light out still into the evening as they set out on horseback. Joel’s trying to swallow down the frantic panic in his chest. Tommy breaks the silence.

“You gonna tell me what happened between you and her?”

“Shut up, Tommy.”

“Easy, brother. I’m just trying to understand is all. It seemed like you two had a good thing going, then all of a sudden you’re avoiding each other like the damn plague. I don’t get it.” “Yeah, well neither do I. So just shut up and ride.” For once, his brother complies.

They’ve just made it up past the foothills of the mountain when they come across a horse. Joel immediately recognizes it as Shimmer, the horse Ellie likes to take out. He feels sick to his stomach. They dismount and start looking around, but there’s no one in sight. Just as Tommy goes to say something, the sound of a gunshot rings out through the trees. Joel doesn’t even think, already slinging his gun off his shoulder and getting it loaded as he starts to jog towards the sound, Tommy close on his heels. Another shot rings out, and Joel can just start to hear the sounds of shouting up ahead.

Before they get any further, something, or someone, is running smack into Joel, knocking them both onto the ground. He quickly rolls them over, pinning the person down, but his grip slackens when he sees that it’s Ellie. There’s blood splattered across her face and she’s gasping for breath.

“Ellie? Are you hurt?” She shakes her head hard.

“S-she told me to run. It’s a bunch of raiders. They would’ve already killed us, but– they s-saw the bite on her arm, w-wanted answers, how the f-fuck she was still alive.” Joel’s head is spinning as Ellie speaks, but just then another round of gunshots resounds through the trees. He quickly hauls Ellie up, barking at Tommy to get her back to town before turning back towards the sound of gunfire.

There’s a break in the trees, and sure enough, he sees her holding her own against a pair of men, two bodies already dispatched on the forest floor. He puts a bullet through the one man’s head, turning his attention back to her where she’s struggling with the other raider. Joel’s trying to aim for him, but they’re too close together in their fighting and he can’t risk it. She finally gets the upper hand, sending her knife up and into the fleshy softness beneath the man’s ribs, letting him fall to the ground with a gurgling moan. When she finally looks at Joel, it’s as if she’s in a daze. Meanwhile, Joel keeps opening his mouth to say something, anything, but promptly coming up with nothing. The relief he feels seeing her alive scares him into a stunned silence.

But then he sees that she’s bleeding. There are slicing gashes across her forearm where her fresh scar had been. The cuts look deep and he thinks to himself that it looks purposeful and it makes his stomach twist. She follows his gaze down to her arm, lifting it up to look at it in the quick fading light. Her voice is hoarse when she speaks, but still steely cool.

“Guess they wanted to do a little science experiment.” He could drop to his knees, her words make him feel so sick. She glances at him again.

“Is Ellie–”

“Tommy took her back to town. She’s fine, because of you.” She huffs, not acknowledging his last words as she starts gathering knives and guns off the dead bodies. She keeps her gaze down as she moves. Joel swallows hard around the thick pain in his throat.

“Are you ok?” She freezes where she stands. Joel can see the shake in her hands, the weapons she had been collecting clattering to the ground.

When she looks up at him, there’s tears collecting in her eyes. All she manages is a broken whimper of his name before she’s collapsing to her knees in a sob. Joel is on the ground with her in an instant, wrapping her in his arms as she wails into the evening air. Her words crack, punctuated by gasps and shuddering cries.

“I’m so sorry, Joel– I’m so sorry– I–” She can’t even get the rest of what she wants to say out, heaving breaths wracking her body. He pulls back to hold her by her shoulders, dipping his head to catch her watery gaze.

“No sorrys. It’s ok, you’re ok.” She just shakes her head, pressing her clenched fists into her thighs. He pulls her back into a crushing embrace, trying to press stillness into the way her body shakes with each sob until her shudders start to slow. She murmurs into his shoulder that they need to get back to town. He sighs, loosening his grip but keeping his hands wrapped around her arms as he pulls back to look at her.

“I’m so tired, Joel. I’m so tired.” Something in him shatters at her words, and he takes a sharp inhale to try to keep it together. It has become painfully clear that he was never done caring for her, that he probably would never be done caring for her.

“I know you are, darlin. I’m gonna get you home.”

…

Once again, Joel finds himself in his bathroom taking care of her wounds. She was quiet the whole way back, the occasional shaky exhale all he heard to let him know she was still with him. She won’t meet his gaze, not even when she winces as he cleans the gashes. It’s coming out of his mouth before he can even think better.

“We gotta stop meeting like this, darlin.” There’s a beat of silence, and then she’s letting out an incredulous laugh, finally looking up at him. For a moment, there’s a ghost of a smile on her face.

“We really do.” Her smile quickly fades, a crease settling between her brows as she looks at him.

“Joel, I’m so sorry. For everything. I just– I’m no good. I’ve tried so hard to just keep moving– to not think about– to not think at all. A-and because of it I hurt you and put Ellie in danger and– I’m just so sorry.” She’s clutching his wrist as she speaks, and Joel slides his hand to twine with hers, squeezing hard.

“Stop apologizing. Because of you, Ellie’s asleep in her own bed right now.” There’s a whole lot more he wants to say, but for now he settles with bandaging her forearm. She lets out another sigh before speaking.

“Been trying so hard to leave you be. You don’t deserve to get stuck with all my shit, not when I’ve been so awful to you.” His hands stop.

“You haven’t been awful to me–” “Joel.” “No, I was out of line that night. What I said– I just– the thought of you and Ellie heading out together– everything I– I lost my head. It was wrong, what I said, and I’m sorry. Hell, if someone talked to me like that about Sarah, I’d probably– I’d–”

“Punch a hole through a wall?” There’s a slight smirk tugging on the corner of her mouth, Joel huffs.

“She told you about that, huh?” Her smile cracks a little wider as she shrugs. He squeezes her hand again, letting out a laugh.

“That little shit.” They’re both laughing now and it feels impossibly good. Joel lets out a sigh, finally letting go of her hand to finish wrapping her arm. His voice is a low murmur as he speaks.

“I don’t mind. Being stuck with you. Long as you’re ok being stuck with me. Don’t think I can really help it, to be honest.” He presses his palm into the bandage for good measure before looking at her again. She slides her hand along the scruff of his jaw and feeling her touch like this again is like finally coming up for air after all these weeks.

“I guess we’re just gonna have to be fucked up together, huh?” He smiles, tilting his head to lay a kiss to her palm.

“I guess so, darlin.”

They strip down to nothing before getting into bed, pressing as close as they can and letting their steady heartbeats slow the ebb and flow of their breathing.

“Joel? Wanna introduce you to someone tomorrow, can I?” She peers up at him from her place on his chest and he nods.

“Who am I meeting?” Her fingers brush down his arm before taking his hand.

“His name is Will. He lives at the childcare center.”

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