#now I’m home we hate to see it
Text
God being away from my dad for four days made me remember how nice it is to be away from my dad!
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
//
#my friend defended her phd thesis today and I’m so happy for her#we were on this journey together until I quit two years ago and it’s amazing how well-researched her thesis is#however by the end of the day I can’t help but think that I could#do that too maybe? or I wouldn’t be able to?#also watching her defend her thesis and seeing familiar faces made me somehow nostalgic abt the whole academic setting#and lately I’ve been feeling such a lack of purpose in anything I do I wonder if it were different had I stayed#or is it nostalgia lying? I think factually I quite hated being at uni in the last semesters#but my problem was the supervisor mainly and I try to imagine now how it could be with someone else#so many maybes and hypotheticals.. maybe I’m where I’m meant to be as of now even if still not happy lol#oh i also remembered how i thought i would be lonely forever bc at my uni most of the lecturers are middle-aged and over women#and now i simply sit at home alone all day#funny huh
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
idk i think my bf might be developing a drinking problem and i just don’t know what to do…..
#it’s been going on for a couple of months now but he promised he would stop and he had been doing well until today….#and it’s like. on one hand i never wanted to be w an alcoholic and i told him straight so he promised it would stop#but on the other hand i can’t just abandon him#and it’s like we used to go out a lot and party but like. that was it but ever since he met this guy he just gets lost when he drinks w him#and the thing was he got like aggressive like he didn’t do anything to me and i can’t really explain it but he just wasn’t himself#and like. we talked about it a million times and it’s not like it happens every week#it’s been like 5 times since december#but 3 have been on the past month alone#and two weeks ago it got bad like he almost got into an accident#and like i’m not even physically w him anymore like we really only see each other once a week since i moved#and from the very first time it happened i told him i couldn’t be w him if it kept happening#and after that incident two weeks ago he swore it was the last time but it just happened again#by the way he and that guy get wasted it really is a miracle they get home alive#and like. idk what to do#i really don’t want to be w someone like this#and i hate feeling like this like if i were to think only about myself i don’t want this i hate feeling like this#but i also can’t abandon him#like not even bc i would miss him or whatever i just wouldn’t feel good leaving him alone#but like i don’t want to live like this#maybe i’ll ask for some time to just figure things out#but it’s gonna suck so bad bc we were supposed to see kendrick lamar next week and then we already had plans for his bday and omfg#i don’t wanna leave but i don’t want things to be like this either#and i asked him to stop and gave him multiple chances but idk#i just don’t know what to do#i love him endlessly but i need to put myself first but i can’t abandon him:(#and our 1.5 anniversary was also next week…..#but i think time is the sanest and safest thing right now
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
Matpats found welcome home
#welcome home#welcome home arg#partycoffin#gtlive#game theory#matpat#watching it now to see what’s what#fingers crossed this doesn’t end badly#poor Clown#ok just to be clear I don’t hate matpat or wish any ill will towards him and his team#I’m just worried about the influx of fans and about clown ya know?#hopefully everything will be ok and any new fans will respect clowns boundaries#that’s my main concern ngl#that and the fandom becoming a repeat of what happened to HH/HB fandom due to lack of canon content#if u know u know#that’s not a dig at clown like ‘we need more content’ please don’t read it like that#clown please take ur time and don’t let the internet push u around <3#long story short: be prepared for a possible shitstorm
22 notes
·
View notes
Text
Me at work: *Talks on the phone constantly, every day, Monday to Friday, no problem*
Me at home: *Makes a phone call and end up sweating profusely*
#no but I’ve always hated talking on the phone#and then I ended up working as a temp#and I have to take calls and make calls every day and I was surprised that I was fine doing it#and now I had to make a phonecall because I’m planning on buying a cat for my brother#and I was honestly sweating when I hung up#I’ve never been as much of an adult as I was in that moment when I called the person with the cat#to set up a time to go see it#great scott my life is heavy#also kind of funny but I went downstairs to ask my mum if she wants to come with me#to look and my dad was like to look at what??#and I was like 😬 I think you know haha#he said that after our last cat passed away in 2021 at the age of 18 that there would be no more cats#yeah… he said that before we got her too#we already had a cat then and I came home like there’s a classmate that has kittens and we need to get one!#and my dad was like nope and my mum went to pick one out#and he loved her he’s a softie and honestly he’d never say no to getting a pet#he’s just being a dad about it
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
today i snapped & have reached a point that i needed to move the kitchen knives To the kitchen instead of storing them in my room w me 😭😭
#diary#i literally was like ok ! so we’re taking another pill today !#ALSJALSKALSKLAJSLAJSALJDLASKA#like NOPE ! we’re not going down this road girlypoo xx#LMFAOOOOOOOO#thank god i’m seeing my dr when i get back home in like 2.5week#we r getting that dowse FORMALLY INCREASED#bc we cant keep going at this rate 😭😭😭#over the past 9 weeks i’ve literally had 3oz of bud 😭😭😭#like girl … this isn’t sustainable ….#but i feel better now that i’m on the 150mg lol#like deadass i slept until 3p/4 then started crying bc i had to be alive#like it’s either go get locked up or increase ‼️#i hate insurance so much oh my god#i think i’ll do 2x75mg every other day instead of the 1 i think i’ll be able to make it work#this is my first test today of the 150 total bc i mean venlafaxine has a mad short half life so maybe i’ll be able to be stable on 150 every#other like here’s hoping bc i’ve so much shit to do like#literally it’s like every moment i’m sober it’s like just ‘how can i kill myself’ & the intrusive thoughts like girl i was washing dishes#& was like ok so we can Use This like no cut that out u rat#but here we are#We Move ‼️
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
lov it when you tell your therapist a story about your childhood and she goes ‘that’s, uh, that’s neglect’
cool!
#my parents hated how i was drawn to computers and video games#and when i was a little kid they would often tell me that i would end up nearsighted like them and need glasses (which was implied to be#the worst fate in the world) if i didn’t go outside and play more#they neglected to factor in that our neighbours were my bullies and i had no friends with which to play outside#anyway this instilled so much shame in me that when i started not being able to see at like age 9 i said nothing for an entire year#the next summer we visited a ren faire and there was this man who sold gorgeous handmade bows and i fell in love#i wanted one desperately but they cost 2k and that was literally all my money at the time#so we left so i could think about it which ended with me sitting in a gutter crying with stress about it. and i didn’t get one#but when we got home my dad took me to the local archery club and i got to try it#but since i’m right handed i need to aim with my right eye and it’s my right eye that’s the problem#so i literally couldn’t see the target. but i couldn’t tell my dad this because i was so ashamed#so i lied and said i didn’t want to keep doing it#eventually my parents did realise i couldn’t see ans brought me to the eye doctor#who uncovered that really it was my right eye that was nearsighted and my left had started going too from#the strain of compensating#and that i had a lazy eye because of#it too#he asked my dad how long i’d had the lazy eye and he said ‘about a year i think?’#and the doctor said incredulous ‘and you’re only#bringing her in *now*?’#my right eye was actually squeezed close during labour and didn’t open until#i was a week old. which is probably the reason it can’t see very well#what happened around age 9 was that my left gave out from compensating#anyway that’s the horrifying story of how i got glasses. tune in next time#for part 2 - asthma and part 3 - the blood clot#she speaks#bad brains blogging#familyposting
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
im so CWCcoded
#anyway my apologies for gaslighting you all about not personal diary posting bc my dad just texted me goodnight and it made me sad#him and my mom both tried to call me all day I feel bad when I ignore them#bc I know they’ll be dead someday and they won’t be able to call me and I won’t be able to answer#and my brothers both tried to call me I know my mom narced that I was weird yesterday and now everyones scrambling to keep track of me#it’s very nice of them but I really do hate being reminded that I’m the family member that like#they’ve all quietly agreed is always going to have to be monitored and taken care of#I wouldn’t be surprised if Andy and Alex haven’t talked about who I’m going to going to live by when our parents are both gone#it was kind of funny Andy invited me to like go install a security camera with him today#I said no but I do think it could’ve been a fun experince#I was gonna see my mom but she didn’t want to go out again so I waited around until my dad tried to call me again#so then be brought me with him to a hardware store where he tried (and failed) to return paint or something#we love a schemer#and then we picked up Andy and got milkshakes but I was ill so he got me real food on the way home#but I’m going to have to find a way to throw it out tomorrow bc I didn’t eat that much of it and I don’t want him to be sad about it#and I have to clean my room bc Lydia will be here soon#I was weepy in the car and my dad kept saying it’s nice you’ll get a few days with her before the concert#I know :-(#to some extent I love that he’s so incapable of handling emotional moods bc he just puts on songs and complains about them#bc he knows I like to complain and I think he gets scared when I don’t talk and that’s his attempt at getting me to#I need to finish my costume and make bracelets and clean my room these seem doable#okay bye please don’t unfollow me#also I love the name doxing bc these are for me and me only and maybe burke when he logs on I love you#my posts
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
i have never felt this much angry i’m tearing up and want to murder my dad
#how dare he say that to me#all i’ve been doing these past two weeks was declittering the house#i have cleaned out the entire bathroom and the goddamn kitchen so that theres space and everything has its own place#and there’s no expired things#and now there is an actual space to put groceries inside#and today i wanted to do the komoda in our dining room which btw doubles as his home office but also is on the middle of the goddamn house s#so you Have to go through it to go anywhere right#and he just asked if i’m finishing the cleanup now so i sad No cause i work 6 more hours - so after work#and he has the halls to get mad at me that i half as stuff and that the vacuum will be out here for the next two days cause i won’t do it#and that i left a crystal vase on the dining table for two weeks now and haven’t touched it like I DONT HAVE THE TIME TO DO EVEYTHING ALL AT#once okay!!! i will do it don’t talk to me like that#and going back to the dining room being his office it means every flat space is covered with his documents and i mean every#it’s the messiest shot ever cause he doesn’t think to keep it clean#and i’m the one that makes the mess#and now he tells me not to throw things cause i put down the remote loudly like i will do as i freaking please cause i’m furious and he has#ruined my good mood#all he has done after me cleaning is be mad that he can’t find things like i haven’t moved anything nowhere he just doesn’t even bother to#search if he doesn’t see smth immediately he gets mad and says we always hide stuff from him to annoy him#absolutely no gratitude from either of my parents i hate it here more often than not
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#ugh I hate that I have to be guarded against this one dude saying we should get dinner#like he’s nice. hanging out is fun. I have absolutely no attraction to him#and I hope that his acts of goodwill are just a friend thing 😑#anyway grabbing dinner with him Friday so . we’ll see how that goes#miscellaneous#anyway had a lovely time at the barn and now I’m gonna go home. take a warm shower#and then it’s nap time baby
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
I am currently experiencing shrimp emotions
#oh👏my👏fucking👏god#oh my fucking god#I have experienced the highs and lows of the human experience within a span of 48 hours#I run into a guy I’d never thought I’d see again and go home with him#and then realize after he dropped me off at my apartment that I had no way of contacting him#and so my friends steal my phone and follow him on instagram and dm him for me#he has followed me! but has not responded#full 180 from this there’s this fucking dickhead in model un who can’t accept the fact that I didn’t invite him to an upcoming conference#and what is he doing: blowing up my phone. demanding I explain and apologize. going behind my back and emailing our advisor#and if I do add him to the conference-we might not have all the funds 🤗#bc now we’ll have to buy another plane ticket and a whole ass other hotel room bc having 4 guys to a room won’t work#how do I process my emotions? good question#oh and my advisor isn’t even here so I can only talk to him through email#like bro if I could just talk to him candidly and explain everything that be great#also if the guy I like could fucking respond to me and like me back that’s also be great#if I could just pass away that’d also be great#I hate it here#I’m simply not gods strongest soldier#I’ve girlbossed too close to the sun
1 note
·
View note
Text
my aunt just brought up a binder-sports-bra kind of thing she saw on good morning america to show me and i started sobbing.
#ooc. king of unpopular opinions.#[it’s so fucking thoughtful she’s never been this supportive but it’s so fucking thoughtful. I’m crying.#it’s a bad bad bad bad bad day. I’m insanely dysphoric. we’re going to see my uncle and my aunt after she gets blood work done.#which always makes me nervous. my uncle just got out of surgery and now we just have to Hope the biopsy is clear.#he’s home today and tomorrow we’ll bring him pita. hopefully this time they schedule my aunt’s treatment.#i just. i could use some nice words if that’s okay. I’ve been crying for an hour now and it shows no signs of stopping.#holy fuck I hate everything about me and I wish I was someone else.]#dysphoria /#dysphoria mention /#cancer mention /#cancer implied /
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
literally in tears just bc we’re not having a movie night together girl get a grip. also it’d be nice to just have plans but i wouldn’t even really want to be like Out Partying i just wish i had ppl to like. chill with. whatever. criminal i can’t be hanging out in your living rooms rn everyone
#film girl saga#very convinced we’re going back to the days where we don’t talk outside of class#except now we barely even talk in class and it feels weird. so that’s awesome#and i already brought it up so like. it just kinda feels like over now. i mean ‘what’ feels over my hope??? idk.#just this stupid little bubble of time where we were talking so much and actually hanging out and i was like holy shit#like hi abby from march can u imagine. idk.#so whatever probably just not talking to her anymore and then this semester will end and i won’t even see her once a week#and we’ll just stop talking forever. and she’ll live happily forever after with her gay boyfriend#and i hate that i feel like she’s lying to me i just feel like she’s lying to avoid me. i’m sure she’ll be hanging out with her roommates or#Him or something tn but she won’t extend the invitation back to me. maybe i’m being too judgy and she is just going home to chill#who cares. whatever.#like it doesn’t matter but it hurts and it’s stupid because. like. huh???#why is it so WEIRD to just ask about hanging out???? whatever!!!!#do i have ulterior motives ultimately yeah. am i making that obvious or pushing it in any way#no i don’t think so. i haven’t been the one saying insane shit generally.#but also what if im just like misreading all that stupid stuff and it never really meant anything#and i just got caught in wishful thinking and vibes and hopes and whatever#and exaggerated everything. idk.#well regardless whatever we gotta pull thru for ourself huh abby. it’ll be ok
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
so pissed off that i have a boyfriend i love so so much and want to live with but the career i want requires me to move around constantly and he wants to settle down
#and i am Absolutely Not putting aside my career dreams for love because that would make me miserable. i hate staying in the same place#and i am Absolutely Not asking him to follow me around the country when thats not the life he wants#but we have a little under a year before this term ends#and he wants to go home and settle down and i want to keep traveling :(#and i do not want to do the long distance thing either#god this sucks so bad.#i love him so much.#and hes told me he’ll do long distance he’ll visit me as much as possible he still wants to be with me#and it makes me feel so bad that i dont feel the same#like ofc id love to still see him ofc i want to stay close with him but also i cannnooot stay in a relationship like that long term :((#i want to live with him and make him my wifey so bad 😭😭#kinda wish we had met like 10 years from now when i’m ready to settle down somewhere and make it home#and not when i’m just starting to get out and explore#augh#sorry i am drunk and rambling i just#i love him SO much. and i dont want to lose him. but i might have to#and thats awful :(
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
Well.
I took the exam.
I’m gonna go stick my fist into a wall now 😁
#vent#vent tw#tw vent#honestly maybe I just shouldn’t pursue physics. like if I suck this bad at CALCULUS 1.. well I can’t even imagine how I’ll fare in higher#level math courses.. let alone the bits of the physics courses where we actually have to apply the concepts we’ve learned in math#maybe I’m just not cut out for this#I want it so so so bad I want to understand things about the universe how it works why it does what it does I want to KNOW#but ig I’m just too stupid to even get down the entry level stuff :(#I hate this I used to be smart I know I was#I had a basic understanding of the concepts of quantum physics and specifically a few of the existing string theories out there#by the time I hit 7th grade I was actively learning as much as I could get my hands on about everything astrophysics quantum physics and#cosmology related throughout 8th grade along with keeping top of my class grades easily#then I went to high school and while I did stay near the top of my class (my grade level class not individual classes I mean)#it took more effort and I burned myself out far too much and that’s part of why I failed so miserably at university (mental health crisis#that caused me to have to come home like 4 months into the school year)#I know I used to have potential but I think I smothered it with overworking myself in high school trying to juggle hw and class work and#extracurriculars and chores and sleep and and and the list goes on#I think I murdered her. the little girl who used to dream and wonder and learn voraciously#now I’m an aimless young guy with no real potential left anymore.#everything is so foggy in my brain I can’t see to retrieve information when I need it#I KNOW the information is in there. somewhere. locked away in a place I can’t reach right now#I hate it. I want to be her again (but as a guy obviously) I want to have that passion and ability to learn and perform academically#sorry guys for this I just don’t know what to do
1 note
·
View note
Last Seen Blogs
heaper-blog
[ grim heaper ]
havefundancingofficial
Have Fun Dancing
heyitsspiders
silly goose
pokeretiwe
Untitled
aleezelove-blog
Insento News