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#not that i don't think it could be parsed easily enough but i just want it more at a glance. with the warranted drama of a right angle.
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Asia Kate Dillon as Lucifer in The Mysteries
#obviously including some of the fade in/out from prior/subsequent shots is a somewhat inelegant aesthetic effect#but i am simply prioritizing The Most Visual Info About Them / including maximum relevant frames lol#also capitalizing everything in the caption b/c i especially don't wanna deal with identical lowercase l and uppercase i#not that i don't think it could be parsed easily enough but i just want it more at a glance. with the warranted drama of a right angle.#none of these shots are specifically identified as them but i did a good amount of detective work here#plus naturally their neck tattoo is a giveaway. likewise arm tattoos ascertain their identity for other shots imo. and it looking like them#and the context of [that's probably lucifer & adam when such a scene is known to exist / there's a similar pic ft their profile]#so that i feel confident enough to go ''yeah that's the back of their head''#gif three has the least certain identifiers lol but looks like them; similar hair to other pics of lucifer; looks like they have the same#costume top as in gif one (with an extra layer); they're with/among the chorus of angels so between [lucifer is a prefallen angel] and why#that angel chorus would be standing around covering their ears while a member says some things theatrically...it's probably lucifer#asia kate dillon#the mysteries#lucifer mysteries#lucifer the mysteries#to potential differentiate from their other lucifer portrayal lmao#so anyways obviously i'm in love with lucifer (the mysteries) who can release that incredibly extensive 6 hr script
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maxknightley · 29 days
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Which Touhou Girls Can You Plausibly Read As Butch? A Comprehensive Overview
Earlier on Tumblr I saw a post complaining that someone called Hecatia Lapislazuli from Touhou Project butch. This is Hecatia Lapislazuli:
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Obviously, like most Touhou characters, she is in fact quite feminine - she just shops at Hell Hot Topic. But it got me thinking: In a series like Touhou, with a cast overwhelmingly defined by feminine (if rowdy) ladies, how many characters could you say are 'butch' without sounding like a complete doofus or significantly redesigning them to fit your headcanon?
CRITERIA
I'll be using four main criteria to judge characters' butchness. In real life, of course, butchness is a multivalent and extremely personal thing, but I'm talking about funny cartoon women from a video game here, so I'm willing to be a little reductive.
These criteria, in order of descending importance, are:
FASHION. In a series where goddamn near everyone is in either a dress or a skirt, the mere act of Wearing A Dress Shirt can be enough to make a powerful statement. Hats may also play a role here, given how many Touhou characters have gay little hats.
HAIRSTYLE. Short hair is not the be-all and end-all of butchness. I, myself, am Decidedly Butch even though I've been growing out my hair since college. But the length and styling of the hair are still a valuable indicator of how someone thinks of themself and wants to be seen.
'TUDE. Could this character be accurately described as "kind of a frat boy?" How do they speak to others? Do they just kind of seem like a character who ought to be butch, regardless of their looks? Do they even lift?
COMEDY FACTOR. Self-explanatory. This will probably only come into play if I run into a weird edge case.
I'll also emphasize that we're grading on a curve here - butchness is being assessed relative to the characters who do not appear on this list. Nobody in this series has a buzzcut, you know what I mean?
THE TIER LIST
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AS CLOSE TO CANON AS WE'LL GET
Fujiwara no Mokou. The girl wears a dress shirt, fucking suspenders, and trousers. Not shorts, actual full-length pants. She's also in a perpetual love-hate mutual-murder situationship with Princess Kaguya, who is femme as all fuck. Obviously you don't have to be butch to date a femme - I'm just saying it feels Fitting given their whole deal.
Yuugi Hoshiguma. Most of the time, her fashion sense is actually quite feminine - but her look in the most recent chapter of Cheating Detective Satori, with the one exposed shoulder and the sarashi and all that, significantly alters the balance. Her hair actually reads as more masc to me when she keeps it long and unruly - when she puts it up in a ponytail, she ends up looking very kempt, even elegant. The deciding factor here is 'Tude: Her sheer levels of butch swag are off the fucking charts. (Still, I wouldn't blame someone for arguing she should be knocked down a tier - especially since I'd argue the Comedy Factor works in reverse here. She's way funnier if she doesn't think of herself as butch in the slightest.)
Minamitsu Murasa. In his original appearance I'd argue that Murasa is in "Reasonable" tier - maybe even as low as "Kind of a Stretch." But her big gay Jotaro jacket in Sunken Fossil World, combined with the emphasis on the weightiness and solidity of his trademark anchor, put her over the top. One of the only Touhou girls I consider worthy of being He/Himmed.
Shinmyoumaru Sukuna. The other He/Him-worthy Touhou girl. Very short, slightly messy hair; wears a kimono, not a dress; inheritor of Issun-Boshi's legacy; wears fucking dinnerware as a hat. Why do you want to be Big so badly, huh? So you can pick up women more easily? So you can carry your awful wife through the upside-down threshold of your upside-down bedroom?
Raiko Horikawa. For the longest time I thought her skirt was a pair of shorts because I straight up could not parse it as anything else. Even now I'm like "that can't possibly be a skirt, ZUN just drew it weird. She has to be wearing a full two-piece suit." Skirt aside, her jacket/dress shirt/necktie are still undeniable, as is her short hair. Also, she is a taiko drum given life, and I feel like taiko and timpanis are naturally butch. Maybe if she was a tambourine or a set of bongos I'd rank her lower?
Momoyo Himemushi. Rough-talking miner. Wears a dress shirt, leaves the top button(?) undone. Tromps around a big weird cave with no shoes or socks on. Wears bows and bangles basically everywhere but in her messy, tangled hair. Also, maybe I'm stereotyping here, but I just can't picture a centipede as being femme.
REASONABLE
Wriggle Nightbug. The dress shirt, cape, and puffy shorts all paint a vivid picture, but I just feel like I don't have a strong enough opinion on Wriggle as a character to put her in the top tier. In other words, she's got plenty of points for Fashion and quite a few for Hairstyle, but I just don't think the 'Tude is sufficient for me.
Reisen Udongein Inaba. The skirts are a strike against her, but her whole "dress shirt + necktie + sometimes suit jacket" thing makes a big difference, especially given that we're grading on a curve. Her rumpled ears and (particularly in Inaba of the Moon, Inaba of the Earth) pathetic demeanor go a long way towards giving her a vibe somewhere between "overworked salaryman" and "Detective Columbo."
Aya Shameimaru. All you need to know about Aya is that her "human reporter" disguise looks like This:
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Mononobe no Futo. Butch, but in a really weird, circuitous way, imo. Like. She's sort of wearing a dress, but it's sort of a robe - the contrast of the hemline with her big flowy sleeves makes it hard to pin down - and her outfit quite notably has tassels rather than any kind of frills. I don't know what the hell is up with her hat but it's definitely not femme by any stretch of the imagination. Then thou hast the wayes in which she speaketh all "faux-olde-timey," even though nobody else in the setting does that... she transferred her soul into a plate, but she also throws plates around as weapons... It's like she's constantly putting on a performance that only she truly understands. It's like she reverse-engineered "masculine womanhood" by hanging out with a bunch of queens and doing kind of the same thing but kind of the inverse. The more I think about Futo the more I think she's entirely on her own wavelength, but I think "Reasonable" tier is a... uh, reasonable... approximation for the sake of this post.
Sagume Kishin. She dresses like if Bill Nye were a woman, and I think that cuts to the heart of it - she reminds me of a professor who you're not ever sure is gay, but you kind of pick up on a vibe, and near the end of the semester she offhandedly refers to "her partner" and you're like HOLY SHIT I KNEW IT. I went back and forth between putting her in "Reasonable" and "Kind of a Stretch"; ultimately, the Comedy Factor decided it because I couldn't stop thinking about a scenario where she says she's a woman, accidentally upends her whole understanding of gender in the process, and ends up taking testosterone while still ID'ing as a lesbian. I don't actually know if her powers would work that way and I don't care.
KIND OF A STRETCH
Eiki Shiki. I don't have a lot to go on, here, because she hasn't had many official appearances and seems to spend most of her time lecturing people or tormenting sinners. Her uniform(?)/apothecary outfit(??) is pretty snazzy; combined with the hat, it gives her a vaguely "military officer" look to me. We'll call her "butch pending further investigation," which I think she would agree is the correct course of action.
Sekibanki. She's here partially because of the cape, and partially because being sandwiched between Wakasagihime and Kagerou makes her look way more masc by contrast. I know what I said.
Ringo. It's pretty much just the hat and the pants, though - as a butch woman who Loves Eating - I am also inclined to project my own experiences onto her.
Aunn Komano. She reads as more "tomboyish" than outright "butch" to me, what with her whole puppy-dog vibe, but at the same time... she's very much wearing shorts and the kind of goofy-looking button-up shirt that is central to my own wardrobe and the wardrobe of other butches in my life. I'm willing to count her.
Takane Yamashiro. A living testament to the power of small character design choices. I would never in a million years call Nitori butch, even with her gay little hat and all the pouches on her outfit - she just looks like a girl scout. Takane, though? Takane, with her little hair swoopy, and the fucking suitcase slung over her back, and her camo-print dress? I mean - ultimately it is still a dress, which is why I can't justify scoring her higher, but she's definitely chewing tobacco and riding around on an ATV on weekends.
Chiyari Tenkaijin. If she's butch, it's not really because she's trying to be butch, it's just because being femme seems too expensive and time-consuming. She's got better things to do (drink blood all day). Still, I think an argument could be made.
DEFINITELY A STRETCH, BUT I RESPECT IT
Renko Usami. ZUN is kind of inconsistent with how he draws her hat - sometimes it's more of a porkpie/fedora type thing, other times it's round-topped and looks a bit like Koishi's hat. To me, this is a crucial distinction. In a more general sense, I feel like Renko's outfit gets a little less plausibly-masc with each passing album, which says a lot about our society. Or her society, anyway, since she lives in the future. Still, the capelets and bowties...
Rinnosuke Morichika. I think it would be really funny if the only significant male character in Touhou wasn't actually even a dude. I'm not aware of any real textual support for this interpretation, though.
Shou Toramaru. Pretty much only on here because of the hair and because I think there's a certain je ne sais quoi to her whole deal of "she's not a real tiger, she's the idea of a tiger that pre-Meiji Japanese people came up with from secondhand accounts."
Seija Kijin. Not even remotely butch by any stretch of the imagination... But if she did consider herself butch, isn't that exactly what she'd want you to think?
POTENTIALLY NOTEWORTHY EXCLUSIONS
Cirno. "Tomboyish" is not the same thing as "butch," to me, especially if you exclusively wear dresses. Also, I'm not sure Cirno even knows what a lesbian is.
Saki Kurokoma. Not actually butch, just a horse girl. (And a horsegirl.)
Mike Goutokuji. Can't tell if she's wearing a skirt or shorts. She's got short hair, sure, but the whole "matching bell collar and wristbands that also have bells attached" thing makes her look more like a Very Online Trans Woman who just figured herself out and hasn't started hormones or bought any new clothes yet.
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veliseraptor · 5 months
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what are some xue yang thoughts youve had recently?
one xue yang thought that surfaced while I was thinking about xue yang thoughts for this ask was about feelings and about how I sometimes see people talking about xue yang like he doesn't experience feelings of love or care or tenderness (for instance the "he doesn't actually care about xiao xingchen, just thinks of him as a toy" line of thought, which I personally...do not agree with, to put it delicately).
and I don't think that's accurate! I think xue yang assuredly experiences the whole spectrum of human emotion; I don't think he is very good at empathy specifically (or possibly, and importantly I say this completely without judgment, doesn't have the capacity for it) but I do think, for instance, that he could learn compassion if he put some effort into it (and someone was willing to help him practice a little). what I think xue yang can't do is identify his feelings, let alone process them in any kind of reasonable or healthy way.
some of this is an effect of emotional disregulation and xue yang feeling everything at 110% all the time (all his emotions, not just anger or whatever, when he goes he goes hard), but some of it I think is part of having this sense of a script for what things look or feel like, and a self-image about who he is and how he experiences the world. so when it comes to, say, love, there's a combination of "love looks like this specific thing and that's not what i have/want" alongside "i don't do love, love is for suckers" and those two things combined resulting in not recognizing the feeling for what it is.
he can recognize other things more easily because they fit more into his self-conception and his experience of them is closer to the script - when it comes to anger and fear he knows what they look like and they're more familiar/a part of who he knows he is (even if he would rather deny the fear and transmute it into anger), and he knows what it's like to feel happy, but when he hits the limits of that horizon then he stops parsing things so accurately. he experiences them but doesn't name them, and this is exacerbated by the fact that xue yang does not introspect pretty much at all. he's just not interested in self-analysis. who has the time for that? he's very aware of what other people see in him, and he does have a very strong sense of self, but when it comes to, like, thinking about the how and why of what he's thinking and feeling, he's not getting into that.
and some of that is because it would be dangerous for him, in a sense; both in terms of "getting caught up in your own head is a good way to be not paying enough attention to your surroundings" and also in terms of a more abstract "it might challenge his self-conception and part of xue yang's resilience is in the solidity of his self-conception, being forced to confront his own contradictions and weaknesses would be devastating and, in fact, is part of what kills him when it happens."
i guess the short way to sum up this post would be "xue yang's reckoning of his own emotions is pretty narrow, and he would probably actually agree with people saying he doesn't feel certain things, but the deal is really that he's bad at identifying them and doesn't really put in the effort to try."
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maestriovermind · 6 months
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As someone who has Adhd I must say I found your post interesting. I’ve definitely had experience where some really definitely worked and some didn’t, and I guess because of the lacking similarity what I’d heard about for others I got demotivated.
Sometimes it was loosing focus in the middle of an audio file. Sometimes it was just the format of the intended induction too but. Some of them obviously worked, don’t get me wrong, I just could never get the same thing others talked about. By that I mean things you see in hypno related media, think triggers and being easily dropped in a matter of seconds for example.
For an example your post on the fractionation by attempted biting, something which appeals very much to me as people very much call me puppy, feels like an impossible thing to achieve. And despite this it’s something I very much wish I was able to do.
As someone who absolutely adores being hypnotized and has unmedicated ADHD, I can say that a lot of it for me personally is expectations and my perception of things. I used to think that I would never be able to be hypnotized very quickly, much less drop myself. And yet today, sometimes I can be hypnotized simply by somebody telling me that "you're just going to drop for me now, aren't you?" or something similar. This is because I better understand the context of the situation- not because I'm magically better at being hypnotized for any arbitrary reason.
When it comes to being hypnotized "effectively," you have to remember some foundational things (below). If I repeat things, it's probably because there's a lot of overlap, and also some things are just that important.
It can be hard to find out why hypnosis might not be working for you without help. You have to consider all the factors in play- What I mean to say is you have to consider all the things that may be affecting your trance, even things you may not realize are affecting your ability to be hypnotized. Second opinions are useful! (I am more than happy to help, hit me up)
Hypnosis is experienced differently for everyone. If it's not going the way you thought it might, consider how there really isn't a wrong way to be hypnotized, per se. The only "wrong" way to experience hypnosis is by giving up and deciding not to try anymore.
The more you know about the hypnotic process, the more effective it will be. That said, a lot of information on hypnosis is usually on the harder side to read. If you're finding it difficult to parse large amounts of academic information, I'm more than happy to parse some of that info down for you into more digestible chunks- or visit learnhypnokink.com! It's a very good resource for hypnotists AND subjects alike.
Hypnosis is all about your personal perception of things. If you believe something should go a certain way when being hypnotized, it could cause certain outcomes-depending on context. In this specific context, believing that you are "ADHD, and thus difficult to hypnotize," is likely something that is holding you back from experiencing full trance.
Hypnosis is best experienced in an intimate environment. Sure, some people practice tying themselves up with rope, but isn't it more fun and engaging when someone else is doing it? And wouldn't you want that person to be someone you love and trust? Hypnosis is exactly the same way, AND it's more effective if you are able to let go and trust your partner, like any other bdsm.
Practice, practice, practice. Feel it out and find out what works, and what doesn't. Why doesn't that thing work, then? Find out why. Experiment. I cannot stress enough that doing this with a partner is not only great for bonding with them and getting to know them better, but also the best possible way to practice as a subject or a hypnotist.
These are very important, but they don't cover absolutely everything. I cannot stress enough the importance of knowing as much as possible, and that you should always be asking questions to find out more. With hypnosis, you cannot always accept people at face value, as there are always so many misconceptions. Even if someone is 100% believable, always cross reference if possible!
Yes, this includes me! You should probably review the information I'm giving you here and consider its legitimacy- this comes from about 4-5 years of experience as both a subject and a hypnotist, and there's plenty of people out there who probably know more than me.
That said, there's probably a lot of conflicting information out there, considering that so much of hypnosis is done based on the subject, and subjects tend to be different in a variety of ways. So remember! Consider all the facts, all the information, all the things you know. And make your best guess! Gather data and infer what you can.
Closing / TL;DR
If you skipped that whole thing because of how long it was (mood), then I would ask that you go back and read the pink text, at least. I highlighted some of the main points with pink text, but I will give you a brief recap of some of the major main points.
There is no wrong way to be hypnotized
Learn all that you can about hypnosis
Hypnosis is about perception, not focus
Trusting your hypnotist (like actual trust) goes a long way
Practice and experiment and find what works best for you
There are a lot of misconceptions in hypnosis- some less commonly known than others
Additional points I did not cover in full:
Audio files are good for practicing, but only if you already have a good handle on how to be hypnotized. Otherwise, they can be a little bit discouraging.
Cut and paste inductions are inferior to a hypnotist who can react to you in real time. They observe what you do, and will apply what they know to hypnotizing you further.
Hypnosis doesn't require relaxation. While relaxing helps, a lot of people can enter trance states that feel more like excitement or hyperfixation rather than what would be considered to be the usual hypnotic state.
You will never stop thinking- but you can think about only one thing, which is very close to not thinking.
Please visit learnhypnokink.com!!! It's a very good resource and will not take you too long to read, and it can also link you to longer resources that go more in depth.
Remember that there's always more to learn- thanks for reading my long ass ask response, I hope it helped. And here, have a gold star!
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atlas-of-galaxies · 11 months
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Hi omg I adore your art (esp your yttd stuff) just. Everything about it is just so cool I’ve sent it to my freimds a couple times being like “YOO LOOK AT THIS COOL ARTIST” and I was wondering if you could/if you have given advice on how to diversify ur art? Like, I personally struggle wit the fact I can probably draw a total of 4 hairstyles and probably have a real bad case of same face syndrome, and while I’m really trying to practice I keep looking to your stuff as a prime example of good™️ amd was hoping you could give some pointers
Augh it’s late sorry if this makes no sense or is like single-handedly the most annoying ask you’ve ever seen
thank you so much for your kind words!! <3 I'd be happy to share some character design tips I've learned over time.
now before I start, I just want to emphasize that none of this is new or revolutionary by any means, nor am I an expert. I still have plenty of room to grow myself! I'll just be sharing my reasoning for specific character design details as examples of character design theory at large, utilizing my yttd designs as examples because I've had almost two years to get comfortable with my styles for them.
the two biggest things that have helped me in character design are to 1. emphasize the character's personality/identity/hidden agendas through their design and 2. draw fat characters. I cannot stress how important it is to get comfortable with drawing more body types. it is vital to character design diversity, and it sets characters apart in more ways than just color and hairstyle.
it is also the backbone of shape theory, which is an excellent, subtle way to clue the audience into what a character might be like. take my Keiji design for example:
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Keiji presents himself as an upstanding, reliable person that others that can depend on - hence, his form is big, tall, and solid, like a sturdy wall. big, blocky shapes make up his body. but his body language is conflicting, with one open, inviting arm and the other hidden behind his neck.
what sets the viewer off about what he's really like is the expression. shady eyes, never anything wider than a smirk on his lips, permanent eyebags - whatever has happened to this guy, it's taken a toll.
I'd also like to take this time to point out hair, since you mentioned it; I'm a big fan of bangs as a form of character expression! Keiji's are shaggy and messy, nearly falling over his eyes to add to the shady look. as for the rest of the shape of the hair, I like to start from the part (easy to spot in my Keiji design - just look for the brown hair!) and go from there in either direction.
don't be afraid to keep it simple! I used to be unable to end short hair in anything other than a mullet because I wasn't sure how to resolve it, but usually, all you need is just a single line to define the back of the neck. and again, shape language is your friend here! just look at the difference between Sara and Joe's hair:
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Sara's hair is easily parsed into angles and blocks - it is orderly and uptight, just like the image she projects as a star student. on the other hand, I couldn't even find regular shapes in Joe's!! the messy spontaneity of it speaks a lot to how he is as a person! Keiji's hair is somewhere in-between; it's got that blocky orderliness as a nod to his time as a policeman, but it's just messy enough to suggest something's off.
we'll look at Shin next. he's another character with lots to hide, but he goes about it a very different manner, hence the different build:
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Shin is one of my designs where I think shape theory especially shines. without his protective scarf and big coat, the guy is tiny. he looks vulnerable and weak, and he knows it - hence his hunched posture, as if he's curling in on himself to protect his vital organs. it's like how cats hate being pet on their stomachs, you know?
add the scarf and the jacket though - and he actually has a presence now! he's still a bit curled in, but for different reasons: the scarf is heavy on his shoulders, quite literally weighing him down.
focusing on his face though - I give Sara and Shin similar facial features (long noses, heavily angled profiles) to emphasize their nature as foils. it's especially obvious here, I think:
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despite being at such odds, they're very similar people - and small details in design choices can help clue the viewer into drawing these similarities, even on a subconscious level.
and I think that's all I've got for now! hope this helped just a little bit! good luck!
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himbosandhardwear · 3 months
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Sweet Revelation
It's a bonfire afterparty, what's the worst that could happen?
"Says the greatest cocksucker this side of the Mississippi," some guy says loud enough to catch Steve's attention. He's primed for violence even though the statement was said almost fondly.
It's Eddie who responds. "I asked your dad not to kiss and tell!"
Everyone laughs at the response - it's common to hear a 'your Mom' joke, not so much a 'your Dad'- but the guy doesn't laugh it off. He's not pissed but he certainly doesn't think it's funny.
"Ed, you didn't," he says as though horrified and disappointed.
Steve snaps back to Eddie, confused.
He glances back, notices Steve watching and looks away quickly.
"Like I would stoop so low. I know he works the factory line with Wayne. I'd rather fuck a coalminer, at least they make good money."
Blood makes its presence known all throughout Steve's body: fingers, toes, scalp, stomach. Is Eddie saying…
"Good," the first guy says with a glare.
"Gareth's cousin Trevor, on the other hand," Eddie says, which makes Gareth chuck a pack of hotdogs in his direction.
"You complete asshole! He's not allowed to come back after what you two did at Circle K!"
Everyone is laughing. Eddie is gay and it's a joke but it's not at his expense or…or…
"Oh, did Steve not know?" Jeff asks, horrifically bringing attention to whatever look he must have on his face.
He tries to reel it in. "No, but it's cool. I mean, I'm cool."
Eddie's cheek twitches. "Thanks for being cool, Steve."
"Surprised he hasn't tried it on with you, pretty boy," the first guy says, all teasing smiles.
Steve sits up straight in his camping chair. "Oh. Am I pretty?"
There's a beat of silence before everyone laughs at that. He's not sure why that's funny. He's never been called pretty before.
He looks over at Eddie again while the conversation moves on to other things - "Who would win in a fight, three Fresno Nightcrawlers versus one Mothman, and be prepared to defend your answer." - Eddie immediately starts trying to fuck with him, jamming his tongue into his cheek in a pantomime even an idiot like him can parse.
You're a riot, Steve says with eyebrows and pursed lips.
Oh, you don't want me then? Eddie conveys with a mock frown.
Steve laughs him off. But when he looks back at Eddie he's still looking. Somehow Steve gets caught in his stare and can't help but feel like he's trying to convey something he's missed.
Wait, were you serious? Steve asks with a series of facial twitches.
This seems to stump Eddie. He looks away and back again a few times before giving Steve a shrug that says, Why not? No big deal.
Steve feels as though his brain might very well have fled the scene. He watches Eddie nod toward the treeline with a raised brow in question.
He floats out of his chair and follows Eddie toward the woods like some dumb kid in a fairytale. Eddie could murder him so easily right now.
Someone wolf whistles at them, which almost jars him back into his body, but Eddie just laughs, calls out, "Just going to study for a big test on Monday!"
"You're not in school anymore, you idiot!"
He flips the bird without turning around.
Steve follows Eddie about thirty feet or so away from the group, stopping just behind a massive tree, for better coverage. Coverage for what he has no idea.
He turns and gives Steve a once over. "You know, they're gonna think I sucked you off, even if I don't suck you off. You know that, right?"
His stomach vacates his chest, galloping off to wherever his brain went. "Sure."
"So I should probably just do it anyway."
"Totally up to you," he says casually, despite what his dick is screaming.
They stare each other down, both waiting for the other to break first. Gay chicken.
Eddie shrugs, says, "What's a little oral between friends," and drops to his knees in the leaf litter.
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w1cked-w1tch · 1 year
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I'm glad people are liking my captains vs espada post! I put a lot of thought into it and it's not even everything I wanted to write lol let's let my autism dissect Mayuri some more, shall we?
Ashisogi Jizo being a baby I think has more to do with Mayuri's obsession with creating life. I have yet to decide if I think it being a Jizo has any real significance or not. Theres a ton of Buddhist symbols where zanpakuto are concerned and thus far its been hard to parse out what's there because it's relevant to the character and what's there because Kubo thought it was neat. I fully plan on looking more into it at some point though, maybe there will be another essay about that in the future.
Ashisogi Jizo, and more specifically Konjiki Ashisogi Jizo, plays HEAVILY into the aposematism aspect of his character design. Mayuri very much wants to broadcast "don't fuck with me, I'm poisonous and I'll fuck you up" which is..... interesting. Why poisonous instead of venomous, and how do we know? Aposematism occurs in both kinds of animals right? Well, think about it. Konjiki Ashisogi Jizo is a giant caterpillar thing, right? There ARE venomous caterpillars, but they're spiky or hairy. Ashisogi Jizo is not. Mayuri does make HIMSELF look this way, but why hasn't he made Ashisogi Jizo spiky or hairy? We know that he can. Both the sealed form AND his shikai have been made to look somewhat spiky. We know he can alter the appearance of a zanpakuto spirit. So why doesn't he do it?
If you don't want to dig too deep into it, you could just say "he just wants to be the poison/venom bug man cuz he's a weirdo" which..... true..... BUT! There are a couple things that don't quite fit here. Mayuri Kurotsuchi is underweight. He's 5'8 and 119 lbs (174 cm and 54kg). Dudes real thin. Look at how big he makes himself look with this clothing.
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Now, this could feed into the aposematic shtick. Lots of animals who use aposematism use displays that make themselves look bigger than they are. Except...... they only do it when they think they're being actively threatened. Who in their right mind would make themselves a threat to Mayuri Fucking Kurotsuchi inside the seireitei? Nobody is threatening his position or his safety. No this is a perceived threat to his more intimate, squishy parts. His emotions.
His attitude feeds into this. Yeah, crazy mad scientist guy, thinks he's the best in the whole wide world. That trope doesn't require the shitty ass attitude though. During the battle with Szayelaporro, when he's looking at Nemu after Szayelaporro uses Gabriel and emerges from her its drawn out. He stares at her for a while, it felt like an eternity the first time I watched it. And he looks...... upset. Sad. It's barely perceptible, you could easily miss it and I thought I was imagining things until we see him staring again later in the fight with a completely blank expression.
Mayuri is softer than he lets on. Softer than he wants ANYONE to see, and he uses his appearance and his venomous attitude to keep people at bay. To keep people from seeing his soft white underbelly. His vulnerability. I'm certain he has a lot of fun with his appearance, it's a cool concept and I can't imagine how much fun it must be playing around with it. But there's a reason nobody but Nemu ever sees him without it. I have a similar experience with makeup and shitty attitude. My appearance in public is a physical representation of the wall I've built. My makeup is a physical mask. My facial expressions are a deterant. My shitty attitude usually takes care of anyone brave enough to still approach me. I love makeup, I love fashion, and I have a lot of fun putting together the version of me other people see.
So, from my perspective, Mayuri's appearance is absolutely a representation of his weirdness and his scientific mind but it's also a representation of his fear. This is why I think Mayuri is poisonous, rather than venomous. All of the offensive posturing is a bluff meant to scare you away. The venom he wants you to believe he has doesn't exist. Poison certainly has built up in his system, like a monarch caterpillar, so if you "eat" him you will feel the effects, but he's nowhere near as dangerous as he'd like you to believe. I think some subconscious part of his brain wants somebody to figure it out and thats why he hasnt modified Konjiki Ashisogi Jizo to look venomous.
Maybe I'm just projecting though who knows🤷‍♀️ what I DO know is that I'd let him do all kinds of weird, nasty things to me. For science of course.
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opalinedaydreams · 2 years
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Oh my god I just saw -- please if you don't mind can you try Hangman and Bob for Hand-Holding Ask, number 10 and 24?
looking for a king | hangman/bob
or; a night off at the Hard Deck, featuring the art of dealing with homophobia
They’re enjoying a night off at the Hard Deck, two rounds in and laughing at something Payback has just said, when Jake realizes that maybe they needed this. That Maverick had somehow known, cutting them loose from training early with a raised brow and a quiet don’t get into too much trouble, all before hopping on his motorcycle and heading off into the sunset. 
And now that Jake is here, wedged onto a barstool at a back table between Phoenix and Bob, he’s grateful—right up until some numb-nutted soldier slips by with a too-loud comment about keeping the queers out of the military, brushing Payback’s shoulder as he passes, and Jake’s half out of his seat before the guy has even finished talking. 
Something stops him. A hand—quick and unrelenting as a viper—grabs his wrist, pulling him back down to his seat. A tether. A lifeline. 
Jake is so surprised that he doesn’t even fight it, cutting a quick look to his captor. It’s Bob. Bob, who hasn’t even looked up from his conversation with Fanboy from across the table. 
Jake forces a deep breath. Forces two more. Phoenix pats his shoulder in silent solidarity, cuts a glance towards the passing soldier that promises demise if he dares to pass their table again, and that’s the end of it. 
He falls back into the conversation easily enough, slipping in a dig at Fanboy’s taste in music and taking a wadded up napkin to the face for his services. 
And then he offers to grab round three, and he’s halfway out of his seat before he realizes he’s dragging Bob along with him, their fingers interlaced beneath the table. Payback raises a brow over their empty collection of beer bottles as Bob untangles their fingers carefully, gently, recovering quicker than Jake can. 
“I’ll help,” he says softly, as if it were his intention all along, and then he’s starting towards the bar. 
Jake stands frozen for two seconds too long before hurrying after him, leaving the now-deafening silence of the table behind him. 
Bob’s already ordered another round by the time Jake arrives, a refreshed cup of peanuts in his hand. Jake leans against the countertop and tries for casual, or normal at the very least, landing at least twenty yards shy in what feels like a minefield. 
He can still feel the ghost of Bob’s hand in his. He wants to reach, to intertwine their fingers again. 
And then Bob glances up at him, like maybe he’s working up something to say, and Jake can’t take the quiet anymore. 
“What?” he manages, too short and half as suave as usual. 
“You wouldn’t have beaten him, you know.” 
Jake’s shoulders square with the presentation of a challenge, his jaw clenching to the point of near pain. “You think I couldn’t take that guy?” 
“I know you could take him,” Bob says, and there’s something beneath it, something a little weighted. It’s too much for Jake to parse out right now. “But all of them? Every guy like him left in the Navy? In the world? It’s not likely.” 
Jake huffs out a breath, frustrated. “But how—“
“You live your life. You don’t let people like him tell you it’s wrong, and you don’t let them bait you, because you’ll never beat them all. But...that doesn’t mean you can’t be happy. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you.”
Jake winces, something painful twisting in his chest. “This isn’t your first rodeo, is it?” 
Bob shrugs, popping another peanut into his mouth. “Basic training was hell. College was worse. But...if I tried to fight every idiot who thinks he has a right to say anything about who I love…I wouldn’t be here, now.” He glances up at Jake then, something bright in his eyes. “And…I like it here.” 
Jake takes a breath, and then takes two more, because apparently he’s not going to be catching a break tonight. “Yeah,” he breathes. 
He’s so strung out on a wire, miles above sea level, that he nearly misses Penny dropping their beers on the counter before him with a soft smile and a hello. 
Jake returns the greeting and then watches her go, an idea sparking in his mind as he turns back to Bob. 
“We may not be able to beat them all,” he says slowly, and it’s a little bitter on the way out, tasting like ashes and memories he’s not ready to deal with. But it’s true. And he could do with a little more truth in his life. 
Bob raises a brow, and there it is again: that little grin, tucked into the corner of his mouth. “What did you have in mind?” 
Jake pulls a quarter from his pocket. Takes a handful of beers, linked between his fingers, and lets Bob scoop up the rest. 
They hit the jukebox on their way back to their table. Jake pops the quarter in, makes his selection, and tosses a raised brow back at Bob, already grinning, swaying along to the beat. 
“You may not drink, Floyd,” he says. “But that doesn’t mean you can’t sing.” 
Bob rolls his eyes. They cart their beers back to the table as the opening notes to Dancing Queen ring out, Fanboy whooping in anticipation as Phoenix claps along to the beat. 
And on any other day, Jake would search the crowd. He’d seek out rage-reddened faces as a queer anthem was screamed along to by a bar full of people he doesn’t know. 
But today…he sets his grudge with the world aside. He drops the bottles on the table, he scoops Bob’s hand out of thin air, and he belts out a tune he only remembers half of the words to. And he doesn’t stop singing. 
send me your floydsin prompts!
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stinkehund · 5 months
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I'm having a very bad time and i'm going to yell into the void about it. I doubt many people will read it, but trigger warnings for .. i dunno, a bunch of things. Depression, loneliness, othering.. It's sad stuff.
I'm clinically depressed. I'm autistic. I'm trans. More or less sapphic. Pretty damn kinky. Very asexual. I listed them in ascending order of how much i think they define me as a person. None of those characteristics really presented any problem to me. Some i really like to have. Some are just kinda there, as a matter of fact.
I've recently had to accept that i'm probably aromantic. At least partly. A big part. And that one i have a hard time accepting. I'm not entirely sure why. I can write down an educated guess, though. You see, asexuality is easy to parse when you have no libido and you never enjoyed sex. Yeah, some people get a bit weird about it, but most really don't care and that's okay, because i don't care about it either. And bigots gonna bigot, anyway.
The aromantic part, though.. most of the world -people, media, you name it- will tell you on a near-constant basis that true love -romantic love- is and should be the ultimate goal of every life lived. And that wanting anything less or being fine with not having it makes your life lesser. Incomplete. I want to say that's bullshit, but in all honesty, i don't know if they're wrong - after all, I have no basis to compare. And life feels pretty damn incomplete to me, so maybe they're right?
You see, i 'love' people. My friends, mostly. Some parts of my family. But i never actually, romantically loved anyone. I don't know how i would. In fact, i can't tell you what the difference would be between my love for my friends and their love for their significant others. For me, there is no difference. I can understand liking a person more than another person - but why a lover should be more important than a friend simply because of the romantic love aspect, that i can not grasp. The concept is alien.
If i go by feelings … i don't think i could care more about my loved ones (as in, my friends) than i do already. I don't see how romantic love could add more to that. So many times i will sit, alone, thinking about how i want to spend time with my friends. How much i miss them. How much they all deserve happiness, because they're all great people and how much i worry about them if they fall on bad times. And i will cry about the fact that i can't reach them, because they're all so far away, because these people are, by and large, my main reason to live on. Without them, i don't feel complete.
But the reality is, none of them think of me the same way i think of them. Every single friend i have will eventually find (or already has found) someone they love more than me. That they care about more than they could ever care about me. I don't begrudge that. I want them all to be as happy as they can be, after all.
But i don't get that option. It feels like my desires, my yearning and my longing is never "enough" because it ends at friendship. My heartache isn't actual heartache, because it stops at friend, instead of lover or partner. My love is not worth as much as "real" love. And so it can be discarded much more easily. And has been, so many times..
It all makes me fear, increasingly as i get older, that i will end up completely, utterly alone. And i'm very afraid that i'm too broken as a person to be able to do anything about that in any meaningful way before its too late.
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notachaconne · 1 year
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Why can't I write music in html?
I shouldn't have to make a video, record sound, or faff with images to write a simple internet message about western music, which has a widely-used standard notation system, and make it accessible.
I feel like I should be able to type something like this:
<western music notation>    <staff-group type="grand staff">       <staff>          <clef type="G" position="2"/>          <key flats="1"/>          <time quantity="4" value="4"/> 8. 8d4 [8f48a4] [8b48a4] [8f48d4] | 8. 8d4 [8f48a4] [8b48a4] [8f48d4] | 1(d4f4a4)       </staff>       <staff>       <clef type="F" position="4"/>       <key flats="1"/>       <time quantity="4" value="4"/> 4d3 [8e38f3] 4d3 [8e38f3] | 4d3 [8e38f3] 4d3 [8e38f3] | 1(d3a3f3)       </staff>   </staff group> </western music notation>
and my browser should be able to parse that and display it like this:
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It seems to me that Musescore, which I use, and all other notation software, must be already doing something very like this, under the hood. So we should have it in the browser.
I know there will be lots of difficulties as soon as it gets more complex, but a lot of music is just not all that complicated, and a lot of the things we want to say about it are really simple. Multiple voices could work like an ordered list. Tuplets could be handled, I'm sure: I've only been thinking about this for a couple of hours and I've come up with the above, using symbols that are on everyone's keyboard.
Even just that, with no sound, would make writing about music 1. much easier to do and 2. much easier to use because you'd be able to adjust the size and colour and whatnot, and assistive technologies that the blind and hard of hearing use would probably be able to parse it easily into different forms without losing the important information.
The next step beyond the minimum viable product would be to have some common basic downloadable sound fonts so that the browser could sing you the music on command. This would be step 2, making the idea being communicated more accessible to people who don't already read it, without the need to make videos.
So you'd have some property in each staff like "sound-family=bowed". I think we'd probably want a minimum of seven font classes, not representing specific instruments but classes of sound: pitched percussion (probably just piano), bowed strings, plucked strings, reed, flute-recorder-family, voice, unpitched percussion. With sensible fallbacks and defaults, that would be enough for a LOT of communicating ideas about western music. You could have fancy fonts as well, but a handful of basics would take you a long way. This part is already solved by the MIDI standard: it's just that we don't have a sensible way of using MIDI in the browser for communication between humans.
I don't know why this doesn't exist yet. I'm sure I could write up some decent use cases in JIRA or something for a first pass, if anyone is interested in building an XML standard and/or a browser extension.
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lyriksola · 1 year
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A new place to call home?
The land they travel through to get to Techno and Ranboo's bastion (a cabin they call it, apparently) is frigid, colder even than the soul sand valleys Sola was forced to brave to avoid a particularly nasty bastion who have violently expressed their desire to hang his pelt on their wall. Both Ranboo and Techno have pulled thick blankets from their gear to wrap around him, and Techno has taken to carrying him close to his chest with his cloak pulled tight to preserve heat, but Sola still shivers. He'd forgotten this aspect of the overworld, the constant chill and wildly varying temperaments of the land. He wonders how he had survived it, the first time.
He knows very well that most piglins don't.
His two companions murmur amongst themselves, but Sola is too tired to parse through overworld tongue at the moment. Tired and cold and still hungry. That promised meal is more and more appealing as time goes on.
It couldn't hurt to take a short rest, could it? Techno is doing all the walking for him, anyway, and these two have shown they can hold their own well enough. Or, at least Techno can. It should be safe enough for Sola to take a nap, right? He's just so tired…
Techno's arms tense around him, and the man's voice is colored in alarm when he says Sola's name, nudging the runt's head with the side of his own. Sola forces one eye open to find out what could cause such a strong one to be so worried, but can't spot anything in the swirling snow. Looking back up at Techno's face, the man looks relieved. So... no danger anymore? But he is jostled to awareness when he tries to sleep again. Does Techno want him to stay awake? Why?
"Tired," Sola complains, not quite able to twist the word into overworld even as he wrestles back his grasp of the language, but his whining should translate easily. "Why can't I just sleep?"
"I know, I know," Techno soothes, looking ahead intently. "But you can't sleep yet, man. You gotta stay awake. Hypothermia's probably not a thing in the nether, but oh boy, it sure is in the arctic. So no sleeping, not until we have some food in you and you're nice and warmed up in front of a fire, alright?"
Sola whines in protest, but if strong-safe-protector says so, he'll listen. He shakes himself and pokes his head slightly further out of his swaddle to peer around and try to distract himself enough to stay awake. He's been told to stay awake, he's not allowed to sleep yet, no matter how much he wants to. 
The one holding him is running, now, Sola can feel it. But the last time he was carried by a protector running from-to-away... Sola shakes himself roughly again, burrowing his face into the warm shoulder next to him. No, no thinking about that. He can't afford to shut down, especially when he was told to stay awake.
There's a loud slam, then a wave of warm air washes over Sola like lava, and another slam cuts off the cold from behind. He's moved with more haste than his poor head would like, whimpering as a growing ache throbs behind his eyes. Voices murmur around him, and he was told no sleeping so he blinks blearily around as his limbs are shuffled into different positions and he's bracketed by warm-soft-den in front of a dancing flame. As he warms up, Sola claws his way back to full consciousness, wincing in pain as feeling returns to his limbs. But he's not cold, at least, even if his head is still foggy and light.
He finds himself clutching an arm as thick around as his waist and looks up in shock to meet Techno's eyes. Hastily, he releases the man and wraps his arms around himself instead, fur fluffing in embarrassment even as he shoves down the small piece of him whining for protector. Techno's not even a piglin, he wouldn't want to be Sola's brute. He can't force that on him when he doesn't even know what it means.
"Sorry," he murmurs. "Was in my head."
"Nah, nah, don't worry about it." Techno waves the apology off, turning to step into the kitchen and calling over his shoulder. "My fault for not considerin' the cold shock. Stay by the fire, I'm gonna get you some stew."
The haze from Sola's slip in control and the lingering cold still lurks around him, so he doesn't even think to move from the spot he was put while the man—a pig hybrid, apparently, as Ranboo explained early in their journey, before the snow—retrived food. Besides, Sola's still tired, in that bone-deep achy way he gets when he's spent too long travelling between making himself a den to burrow in. Even then, those dens only usually take the edge off. It's hard to truly relax and let himself rest when nowhere is safe, even with Zois watching out for him.
The stew, when Techno returns with it, is delicious, despite Sola's inability to identify its contents. It looks like a mushroom stew, but there's other bits of plants and odd chunks in it that he'd rather not ask about. Probably overworld things. He doesn't need to know.
But the food is hearty and warm, and the mix of heat from the fireplace and the blankets piled around him tip him even further into drowsiness. Sleep is only staved off through pure stubborness, but even then, runts aren't predisposed to resisting comfort when it calls. He turns tired eyes onto Techno, hoping the general pathetic air of his slumped form and slow blinks will be enough to get his question across without him having to summon the energy to ask.
Techno laughs, low and reverberating—which, rude—before tossing a blanket at Sola with a wide smile. "Yeah, yeah, go ahead and sleep, now that we're pretty certain you'll wake up again. Maybe I can bring Steve inside to help keep you warm… He's basically like a fluffy hoglin, right? And I'll call a friend of mine to see about getting you more weather-appropriate clothes."
Sola hums, already letting his eyes slip closed. He's roused a little later, guided to rest against the softest thing he has ever felt in his life, before being hushed back into dreamland. The weight of the waking world lifts off his shoulders, and he drifts off into deep sleep.
The door bursting open jerks Sola from the sweet embrace of sleep, jump-starting his heart to beat a mile a minute at the sudden intrusion. His eyes instinctually lock on Techno, who has leapt up to look over the newcomers with concern and affection and no suspicion to be seen. The man's comfort around the two strangers—a woman and man with…things? Coming out of his back?—allows Sola to relax against the warm, fluffy creature behind him once again.
Furrowing his brow at noticing the beast, he glances up to see a large, white-furred creature. It lowers its great snout and licks his forehead, flattening Sola's fur against his skull. So it doesn't want to eat him, good. Maybe it's Techno's like Zois is his?
Oh wait, people. Strangers. Right. Maybe should pay attention to that.
The lady—and clearly she is a lady, not some simple woman—is fair with pale-gold hair and elegent clothing. She must be one of the more treasured members of whatever sounder or bastion she belongs to, someone skilled and valued. She is polishing crystal lenses that have fogged from the heat, for empress's sake, those are notoriously difficult to craft, and must have been worth a fortune!
The golden dagger in her hair catches his eye, about the same time as the emerald in the other, extra-limbed man's ear—matching with Techno. So they are his sounder? That… would make sense. Are these, then, the friends he had contacted about getting Sola better clothing?
He is incredibly honored. To call over such an obviously valued artisan of the sounder, just for him…
"So!" The voice of the odd man breaks him from his thoughts. "Let's see this new friend you brought home, mate."
"Right." Techno turns, tail still wagging behind him and ears still perked in excitement. "So, Phil. Penny. This is Lyriksola. Sola for short. They helped me and Ranboo out bigtime. He's snoozin' upstairs by the way but he should be down eventually."
Sola digs himself out of the pile of blankets to poke his head out and nod in greating, shivering as the cold air slides into the newly-created gap. Without the blankets in the way, he can get a better view of the new man's strange limbs. They look almost… fuzzy? But also smooth? He can't quite wrap his mind around what kind of texture they're supposed to have, and it's giving him a headache.
He's soon distracted by the lady's approach as she kneels down next to him, smiling gently. "Greetings. I am here to help make better clothes for you. I'm Penelope. Call me Penny."
Techno claps the other man on the back, causing him to forward a little. "Oh you shit-"
"And this is Phil."
Minding his manners, Sola inclines his head to the other in greeting, but quickly turns his attention back to the lady—Penny. "Hello. I also make clothes." He wiggles out of the blankets some more, showing off his coarse, vine-woven tunic like a shoat attempting to impress an elder. "Not well, though. Itchy, and too cold for here."
"Too cold indeed! Here, please stand up? I need to measure so I can alter what I brought. It'll fit you better." Sola leans back a bit when she brings out an odd contraption, some kind of long strip all wound together in a firm casing. He looks to Techno, who only nods encouragingly.
Hesitantly, Sola crawls out of the warm mass of blankets and does his best to hold still while Penny measures him with the marked strip—what is it made of? Are those numbers along the side?—even though he can't help the shivers that wrack his body from time to time.
Thankfully, it's not long until she sits back and smiles in satisfaction, pulling out some kind of pad of parchment—so this sounder is really rich, okay—and takes some notes. "Thank you! Alright, I'm going to get started on these. Phil, be a dear and make me some tea? Techno, go gather up whatever dye you have so we can change some of the colors too."
Sola's eyes widen at the easy command in her tone, and even more at the fact that Techno does, in fact, rise to follow her instructions, despite his light-hearted complains.
"Makin' me do work for you? In my own home, no less!"
"Yes, yes, I'm such a taskmaster, now stop whining. You sound like Wilbur." She smiles ar Sola, as if they are sharing a joke. "So dramatic..." Her tone is fond, despite her words, and her eyes hold a warmth in them that Sola has not seen in a long time. 
Tentatively, Sola smiles back, pulling the blankets back around him in relief. As the excitement of the new arrivals calms down, his eyes start slipping closed again. The last thing he sees is Penny pulling out a pile of fabric and picking up a shimmering needle before slipping back into sleep.
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spider-xan · 1 year
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Trying to parse out the romance plot lines and possible future intentions for the sequel when it comes to the LXG film is fucking difficult tbh bc honestly, it very much feels like yet another problem with the script and editing where there's a good film in there, but the studio wanted to hedge their bets and leave things open to make creative decisions based on financial considerations - and that just leads to a problem where there's no conviction or strong direction in many areas, including the two potential love interests for Mina once Dorian is out of the picture; there are obviously romantic storylines going on for both Jekyll and Tom meant as set up for the cancelled sequel, but by the end of the film, I don't think you can conclusively say which direction the next film was going to take bc both are kind of present, but also just sort of there and really uneven, and it's like, just pick one and follow through with it.
My guess is that the original direction was Mina choosing Tom, especially when Tom was supposed to be the teen heartthrob character and American audience surrogate set up as the second protagonist, next team leader, and most likely male romantic lead in the sequel, and both Peta and especially Shane were rising hot young actors at the time while Jason is one of those talented, but low-key British character actors who's always great, but not a box office draw - though it's funny bc as someone who was in the fandom back in 2003, I would say Mina and Jekyll were easily the most popular characters, and I think Jekyll got the most horny on main reactions, along with probably being one of the most consistently praised parts of the film while Tom was very polarizing.
Anyway, on the Tom side of things, we know from the DVD commentary that there was a much bigger plotline of Tom having a crush on Mina that was cut down for the final print, but they didn't elaborate on why exactly; what we do see is generally Tom trying to flirt with Mina and her initially being nice, including vouching for his joining the team, but firmly turning him down, and later, we do see her smiling at Tom he's being an action hero in Venice and later when he mentions the villain will assume they're dead - though interestingly, Mina's weirdly disproportionately impressed reaction to the latter is actually repurposed from her reacting to a deleted big rousing speech marking him out as the next leader, where it made more sense (but also not really bc why is she accepting authority from him?); we also get her checking on him after the chase and him asking her if she's okay, and it's Tom who offers to kill Dorian for her; at the very end, it's Tom and Mina who share glances at each other during the funeral and walk away together, almost like a couple; on the other hand, the scene where she basically says she wants to be with him was deleted, but again, we don't know why.
On the Jekyll side of things, we know that during filming, they were deliberately shooting them exchanging fleeting glances (not sure how much made it into the film though) to set up a potential romance, and Jekyll is obviously in love with her, but too repressed to act on it, and Hyde as his less restrained self is also interested (since they're the same person); the film ends up doing a nice storyline in the second act where he goes from only being able to watch her from afar to becoming more confident after his big heroic moment, enough to at least look her in the eye, say something, and almost touch hands, and she seems interested - but then the film just drops everything; the only interaction they have after that is her snapping at him when they're in the cave, and as mentioned earlier, it's Tom she ends up walking away with instead of him.
So what basically happened was that they didn't commit to developing either potential romantic storyline as strongly and consistently as they could have in order to hedge their bets for the sequel that got cancelled anyway, and it's frustrating bc we just ended up with two storylines that feel awkwardly half-assed; on the other hand, it could be a monkey's paw situation where as someone who admittedly preferred the Jekyll set up, this was the only way to at least gets scraps if based on the deleted scenes, it was much more likely they would have gone for Tom as the only love interest if they chose one to focus on.
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patricide1885 · 1 year
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I feel like there's a headspace that people with low self esteem or people without a stable social history can get into where it's like they never get what they want. I don't know if I still am in this space but for me I've always felt like I could date people easily and a lot of people are potentially interested in that but the chemistry has always just been lacking and it's hard to parse that. Like I'm good enough maybe but why would someone be specifically interested in me? And I'm not attracted to most people nor am I being social so a lot of this is probably my fault, but it's hard to shake the feeling that other people simply aren't like me and that is that. I haven't explored dating post transition due to dysphoria, but before that when I did date people it felt like they weren't specifically interested in me, I was just in their league, an appropriate choice, and so on. I don't understand why the chemistry issue existed/s? But I have a feeling that it's actually related to odds and my not being open to things and so on. A normal situation can feel like it doesn't exist until you run into it, when there were banal reasons why you didn't, and until you do, your view of things just isnt accurate. I think I have self esteem now to where I wouldn't be in a situation that wasn't actually good for me, and I'm happy being single until such a situation comes along, except it's like you gotta do it now before you get old and no one wants you anymore. So I have to force development I'd otherwise be happy to allow to play out naturally, but there's no room for "well I enjoy being single right now" you gotta use it or lose it.
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Text
So let's say you execute
$ cdexec foo
but `foo` doesn't exist. What should the error message be?
cdexec: error changing directory: foo: No such file or directory
cdexec: error changing directory: foo: ENOENT: No such file or directory
cdexec: error changing directory: foo: ENOENT
More abstractly, which way is best for reporting errors from the system?
...: <perror output>
...: <errno name>: <perror output>
...: <errno name>
Personally, I prefer the last one, because:
Including the errno name is very important for one of the biggest users of command-line tools: other programs such as scripts. ENOENT is the standard, international name for the error. The error is ENOENT. The output from perror is a localized human-friendly hint.
Ditto for human users who have grown familiar with the underlying system enough - I've seen developers complain about having to try to figure out what error code a `perror` string maps back to. I have a good enough memory that this doesn't trouble me most of the time, but I still waste a memorized lookup table on it.
The human-friendly error string is misleading in the edge-cases. See, when I see "no such file or directory", I know that there might not be any file or directory involved at all. Did you? For example, some APIs in the Linux network stack report ENOENT for things that aren't in the file system - because of course to a kernel developer living in a world which has missed the value of exposing all things on the "file" system, it makes sense that ENOENT means "no such entity" rather than specifically "no such file or directory". So you run an `ip route ...` command and get your time and energy wasted trying to figure out what file could possibly be missing.
To be clear, this is orthogonal to "should my source code just call `perror` or should I consider adding something like `errnoname`?" Because your libc could easily be made to extend or change the perror output to include errno names, based on either a compile-time flag or for example by setting some environment variable. You could also compile with `perror` renamed or relinked to something else. So we could in principle achieve any of these alternatives while still just calling `perror` in your source.
This is also orthogonal to "but for many users (at least in the vast majority of cases), the human-readable error message is helpful". Just because something is good to have, doesn't mean every single program should contain the code to do it. Turning an error into human-friendly guidance sure looks to me like a composable piece of functionality that can be implemented separately and then composed on top of all programs. I'd rather have a shell that can automatically pipe the standard error of my programs through a helper tool which can detect names like `ENOENT` and do whatever helpfulness the user wants and the usecase demands. Meanwhile, the error strings which perror produces don't even do a great job of being human-friendly guidance - new users, and even just busy non-experts in a hurry, benefit from detailed hints, typo-checking, alternative suggestions, and so on.
So when I think about the external error string as an API first, the `errno` name seems essential, and then the `perror` output seems superfluous and worse for parsing.
But I do recognize that the perror output can always be stripped off - if you know the format enough to unambiguously isolate the perror noise from the rest of the error, then yes it's annoying, but it's very surmountable.
I also recognize that in the world we live in right now, users aren't going to run my programs in a shell that automatically translates their errors into something more helpful in a user-configurable way. That doesn't exist yet, I haven't written it yet nor spread the vision, and when we do write it, adoption will lag behind a lot. So when a new user runs a program directly, sees `ENOENT`, and has no idea what it means, it doesn't do them much good for me to say "well this wouldn't be a problem if the rest of your system was set up how I envision". At best I can hope that the error code, combined with my carefully chosen prefixes like "error changing directory", do a good job of getting them to the right answer through Google.
So I find myself on the fence... I want to do the third option - the third option is the best architecture, and the future of CLI is to be even more of an API and less of a UI - but I know the second option would be more helpful for a decent amount of real users right now.
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hawksky · 3 years
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You wake up on your ex's fire escape; wc 2.5k
A/N: I don't really know how to categorize this ? starts as funny, gets into angst with a happy/hopeful ending. I might write this again for another character and make it 0 angst but using Megumi just let this get away from me. Thank you @sixeyesgojo for reading through my first draft, it helped me edit a lot since 😘. Although I have not looked over the ending since I wrote it, I'm done working on this fic so sorry if it falls flat.
CW: Mentions of excessive alcohol consumption.
Suggested listening: song 1 and song 2 you can pick just one to cater your experience (they are VERY different vibes) or switch over around the shampoo situation.
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Objectively, there were good ways to wake up. In the arms of a beautiful person, with cold sheets and a warm body, or with the scent of your favourite breakfast wafting through the air. No disrespect to mornings at all, there were good ways to wake up, you were mature enough to recognize this.
A perplexingly rough, wet, and warm sensation gliding across your cheek, while last night’s jeans dug into your waist, and there was a pounding in your head? It was fairly safe to say this was not a good way to wake up.
It spoke volumes for how out of it you were that it was only just beginning to register in your brain that you weren’t at home, you were not even on a bed, and that the continued licks across your face were the work of animal far too large to be one of your friends cats.
“Fucking hell you’re supposed to be intimidating” you hear a voice grumble without much heat behind it.
As you forced your eyes open you are met with an excited dog tapping its paws in excitement of your presence, and the man behind the half hearted grumble. His gaze was unmistakably familiar, but his expression could not be more foreign to you.
“uhm, Hi” you croaked out while plastering a wide grin in hopes he wouldn’t murder you.
His eyebrow raised on instinct in response. You knew he was waiting for you to explain what you were doing, but the reality was you didn’t have an answer.
“I wish I could explain, but honestly I’m not sure what happened – last thing I remember was being bought another shot… Wait, where am I exactly?” You were desperately hoping you came off as charming instead of pathetic given the circumstances.
“How out of it are you?” he scrunched his face in confusion as he muttered to himself. “You’re on my fire escape, it’s in Ikebukuro? Tokyo… Japan, in case you needed the reminder”
It felt infantilizing to have him scold you like this, which only made this next part all the more difficult. You were not supposed to be Ikebukuro. You were not supposed to be in Tokyo. You were supposed to be in Yokohama. What was even more concerning is that you were definitely not supposed to be on your old fire escape, the one connected to the apartment your ex still lived in.
As you painstakingly pushed yourself upright, a warm weight laid on your upper thigh, a furry face nuzzling into your stomach – you wondered if she was aware of tension between you and her owner. You scratched behind her ears, letting Jade know she was in fact a good girl despite the earlier reprimand from her owner.
As much as you’d love to spend the day sitting on a fire escape petting your ex’s dog, you had to go home, you just need to call –
Your phone. Where was your phone? You felt around frantically for your phone, only to come up with nothing. A light sense of panic bubbles in the pit of your stomach, only to be swiftly interrupted.
“it’s already charging, I plugged it in last night, you dropped in inches away from falling down”
So, he was still watching you despite having returned inside long ago. It was difficult for you to parse this sort of gesture, how caring could it be to plug someone’s phone in when you still left them to sleep outside? Maybe he was just doing everything he could to get rid of you. It was too much to try and analyze for someone who blacked out and woke up in a different city.
“Why did you come here?” you hear him bite out from inside. It sounds harsh, but it feels like his stange way of inviting you inside.
“I don’t know what you’ve picked up from these circumstances, but not knowing is kind of a part of the problem. Believe me, there’s no amount of conscious desperation that would leaf me to sleeping on a fire escape, even yours”
You glanced around the apartment to avoid his void expression; it was spotless. But it was even harder noticing, the turned over picture frames, your favourite quilt still on the back of the couch – remnants of the past living in the present.
This tension only increased as a mug of freshly brewed green tea was placed in front of you. How thoughtful to remember you hated coffee, to realize your throat was probably killing you – you would have tasted a creeping bitterness from all these emotions, if it wasn’t overpowered by what was the distinct taste of your favourite brand that had to be special ordered.
He had always complained, there were plenty of good options for tea at the grocery store, why wasn’t that enough for you? It was so much extra effort to special order from a tea shop across town, the only place that you were able to charm the owner into ordering for you.
“How are you still so fucking awful at taking care of yourself?” he spat the words out like an insult, it was jarring honestly. Despite the time away from each other, it was no less strange to feel his detachment.
He moved towards the door beckoning Jade to follow. “There’s a towel and change of clothes in the bathroom, you should probably take a shower. If I’m not back by the time you leave, just lock up before you go, I haven’t moved the spare key.” Without looking back or waiting for a response he left.
You were starting to recognize your growing frustration – you had known him how long? Dated and lived together for a not-insignificant amount of time? Yet here you were, no idea how to interpret this strange morning, much less his last comment. Did he want you to be here when he returned? Were you supposed to leave and act like you had never been there? Could he genuinely be as indifferent as he wanted you to believe? It pissed you that your feelings were probably plain on your face.
You searched for your phone, finding it on what used to be your side of the couch. It felt ridiculous to think you ever had a side of the couch, but you were both creatures of habit and slowly without even thinking you both made your own little sanctuary mere metres away from each other.
You awoke your phone, expecting a flood of texts and phone calls from your friends, only to find nothing. Not a single check in from anyone. You open the group chat and furiously tap out a message.
<Hey assholes who let me go home on my own last night? Anyways good job I blacked out and I’m on Fushiguro’s fire escape! You are all absolutely useless to me I swear to god.>
Your phone vibrates rapidly as you place it down but you’re not in the mood to field their questions.
You’re tempted to leave now, just to get it over with, go home and crawl into bed and forget any of this ever happened. But, you felt gross, it was late enough in the morning that you could run into someone you knew, and you missed the water pressure here.
As you got ready for your shower you surveyed your options. You refused to smell like him, but the only other bottle in the shower was doggy shampoo. Surely dog’s fur and human hair weren’t so different right? Jade did have a beautiful coat, very soft and shiny… You reprimanded yourself for the ridiculous idea, but the point remained, there had to be something else for you to use.
Your brain, far more alert than it was 30 minutes ago, thought of all the things he hadn’t changed, all the fixtures still in place. You had always kept an extra set of all your supplies under the sink. By the grace of all that is good on this cruel cruel earth, they were there, in all their dusty glory, your prized hygiene products sat unmoved under the sink. It would have been sick and twisted to have to leave your ex-boyfriend’s apartment smelling exactly like him, left to spend the rest of the day agonizing over whether you should take another shower.
As you entered the shower you wondered more. He had to have noticed the softness in your eyes, the faint smile you wore just having an ounce of his attention again, the way ti widened at every caring gesture, and falling with every biting remark.
Yes, it hurt every day missing him. Yes, it would hurt if he hated you. But none of that compared to the feeling of not knowing. What were you supposed to do with all these residual feelings that have yet to go away? Were they worth the suffocation or should you strip them away?
You were proud of yourself, all these reminders of what you once had, in a place you once loved, and you had yet to break down, not even shedding a tear. If you weren’t wrapping yourself in a towel, you would’ve given yourself a pat on the back. This victory was short lived, everyone’s strength has its limits and you had taken yours too far past it already. But then you saw it, something you were completely unprepared for.
Laid neatly on top the closed laundry basket was THE outfit. It was nothing special to anyone else, just a grey sweater and loose joggers, but how many days had you spent alone breathing in his scent for comfort while he was gone? How many hard days at work had you reaching for these exact pieces as if they were the cure to all your problems?
Unable to support your own weight anymore, you fell to the tiled floor, tears spilling out, as your already sore throat grew even more hoarse – you felt like everything was collapsing around you. You weren’t expecting to see him, and you certainly weren’t expecting to need him in so many little ways. It was easy to forget how easily he weaves himself into your life, encroaching on everything you do.
The world disappeared behind each shallow breath, and an endless stream of tears you couldn’t control. Your fingers scratch against your forearms repeatedly, trying to ground yourself in some reality you could no longer grasp. It is so exhausting trying to be over him, going through these cycles of strong emotions, over and over and over again.
Suddenly, for the second time in as few hours, you felt an overwhelming weight encompass your body.
Of course, his stupid fucking perfect dog would still know how to bring you out of a panic attack like he had spent so much time training when you started dating. You clutched to Jade as your breathing slowed, but it did nothing to stop your sobs, if anything it was just another painful reminder of everything you let go.
“Uhhh….” Megumi was frozen at the door, for the first time today he didn’t know what to do. His indifferent façade dropped as he observed the scene on his bathroom floor.
There’s nothing left to lose, not for a moment that he has seen this morning have you possessed more than an ounce of dignity, “So that’s it? You don’t know what to do either? You know it’s been a whole fucking year and I still haven’t figured out how to live without you. A whole year and I’m still a mess. I can’t survive being reminded of us, look at me. And yet every attempt to get over you was a knife twisting because they’ll never be you. Now I’m here and I get to witness the wonderful Megumi Fushiguro, unaffected, and you… you have it all together.” You trail off, giving to him everything left in you.
You weren’t expecting the confused and indignant expression on his face, “You think this is having it together?” His voice lightly raising with each word “This place might as well be a sealed shrine to you and our relationship. I haven’t thrown a single thing out, moved any furniture, bought anything new – the only thing that’s ‘new’ is your stupid tea I keep buying even though I hate it, and for fucks sake y/n I should’ve moved out. Every part of me that looks like I have it together is just my version of a mess.” He brushes a stray strand out of your face, his own face moving far too close for this to be purely platonic anymore “y/n I’m no better off than you are, I’ve just kept everyone from looking”.
“So what are we supposed to do with all this?” Your eyes shining, naïve hope seeping through your defenses at the confirmation that he couldn’t live without you either.
“We could try again” Somehow, it wasn’t quite what you needed to hear. “I, am going to get dressed, and then we’ll talk, I’ll meet you in the kitchen.” He nodded lightly, pulling himself up and exiting with Jade on his heels.
Dressed in the clothes you thought would burn your skin to even touch let alone wear, you let out a long sigh as you sit on at the breakfast nook. “Look, Megumi, I need to know if you’ve worked through it, any of it? I can’t, I can’t wait another three years for you to tell me you can’t say the words I love you, that you can’t commit to more than a yearly rental, I can’t just have you here I need more security than that”
He pursed his lips, unsure of what he could say to that, how he could make sure you didn’t leave again.
“Megumi, I don’t need you to say it to me today, I don’t need you to commit to anything today, but I have to know you’ve tried that I can’t keep waiting for you”
“I… Just give me a minute, please” his voice weak pleading with you. You waited, knowing better than to rush him, laying a hand on top of his assuring him you weren’t going to run out the door.
“y/n, I’m supposed to be honest and vulnerable, I’m supposed to tell myself that people won’t abandon me just because I give them access to who I really am. I want to tell you I love you, because there’s no other explanation for feeling this way. For feeling like your eyes outshine the stars, that your mind is more brilliant than the sun. I’ve tortured myself for a year with the idea of you meeting someone who could give you everything I couldn’t, and selfishly I prayed they were awful, I wished you were miserable so I pretend the truth wasn’t real that I was not enough for you, that I couldn’t give you what you needed. I’ve never seen a loving relationship, certainly not for long enough to form memories, but I look at you and I can’t imagine anything else”
Your thumb reaches to brush away the stray tear sliding down his face as he spoke to you. Manoeuvring yourself around to be on the same side of the nook as him, you pull him into you, letting him bury his head into the crook of your neck. You placed a gentle kiss into his hair before whispered into his ear “You were always enough, I just needed you to know it too.”
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not not a tag list: @satosuguslut @sandyscastle
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8771eh · 4 years
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Fermé à Clé
Rating: T (for reference to hazing/bullying behavior, claustrophobic moments-but its happy go lucky in the end I promise)
@sidgenophotochallenge
"Alohamora!" Sid sobbed. His voice was gravely from crying and trying to force wandless magic to work. His accent never helped him even when he had his wand. Without it he could only hope his magic would eventually work out of desperation. "Please." He kicked as much as he could in the cramped bureau. Not much sound could be made from socked feet. "Somebody." His voice caught on a hiccup and he sobbed angrily as he hit his head against the back of the bureau.  [[MORE]]
It smelled of mothballs and frustration and he had no idea how long he had been inside. He had woken up to some of his friends walking stoically around him. He had him unble to move his limbs and was levitating. So he knew the guys in the group were some of the upper years in order to be that proficient without several wands pointing at him. Probably some of his quidditch team. He loathed the extents the team went for hazing. 
How much further they pushed it as Slytherins. 
Because they had something to prove. Always.
Being locked in a bureau was not something they had done before and Sid was determined that they would not go to this extent again. He pictured going straight to headmistress Mcgonagall and demanding she either pull them all into her office or get parents to send howlers. 
The idea of the dining hall being filled with the sound of anger filled howlers at a crowded meal service was a moment of vengeful glee. Pure schadenfreude. 
Sid took a breath and focused on slowing his breathing. Regaining his control. Then he kicked out once more to no avail. Only his wrists were tied. The bureau was so tight that nothing else needed to be tied up because there was no way Sid could be limber enough to contort and reach his toes or scratch his nose. 
He was certain he was never going to enjoy being in a cramped quarter again. 
They were going to come back for him. His teammates wouldn't leave him here indefinitely. Not to be egotistical, but he was invaluable to the team. 
At least he hoped he was. 
There was a shuffling noise outside of the doors- the first noise in a silent eternity. Sid pressed himself forward hoping that made any sound loud enough to catch the shuffler's attention. "Help!" He cried again, wincing at the exhaustion and squeak in his voice. 
The shuffling stopped as did Sid's heart. Had they left or had they figured it was Peeves up to some new tricks. 
There was a low muttering of a voice outside the doors and Sid exhaled in relief. "Please. Let me out!" There was a sound of metal clanging together followed by wood being pulled and then nothing. 
Sid squeezed his eyes shut. He couldn't let himself believe they had given up so easily. Then a thought crossed his mind: what if it was Peeves fucking with him. Peeves and Sid had always had a contentious relationship. The only reason Peeves wasn't focusing more jokes on Sid was how close he was to Marc-André. 
Sid was still unsure if Peeves was more disappointed he couldn't really target Sid, or that the mischievous gryffindor had wandered off and befriended a slytherin. 
His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a low voice muttering what could have been a spell in a language Sid didn't recognize. It was definitely a spell, but nothing he knew. A slither of purple seeped through the hinge and Sid didn't stop the shocked noise he made as the magic seemed to stop and assess him. Slinking from the middle of the bureau to the floor and back up over Sid's head. The purple hue pulsed softly as it returned to the center of the door, illuminating the worn paint where the bureau doors met and before Sid could blink, it was gone. 
He was back in total darkness and this time he knew he wasn't going to last much longer before he broke. Focusing on his breath, Sid tried to think of what he had read about wandless magic. Desperate times came to desperate measures and this was definitely one of those moments. He tried to think on what he had seem Cookie and Army do after practice ie when the team was out together at hogsmeade. 
The voice sounded from the other side of the door, a bit less mumbled this time and Sid stopped in his thoughts. He knew this voice.
The doors flung open suddenly and Sid winced at the bright purple light that lasted after the spell had been cast. As the air stopped sizzling with magic, Sid opened his eyes. He stared up at dark red Durmstrag robes that hung loosely on a long limbed slightly muscular teenage build of Evgeni Malkin. 
Zhenya-no Malkin. He remined himself.
Malkin who was staring at him with a mixture of rage and shock. His hair bright yellow.
"Sid?" Malkn breathed out and Sid felt his shoulders droop. 
"Hi, Malkin." Malkin jerked back as though Sid had physically struck him. Furrowing his brows, Sid didn't have enough time to say anything else before he's roughly jerked forward and out of the bureau. His nose is pressed against the side of Malkin's neck where his body betrayed him by inhaling deeply. Calming itself in the comforting smell of sun, grass, and salty musk. 
Malkin's arms tightened around him, as he readjusted to counterbalance more of Sid's weight. Sid took a moment to regain his senses. Remind himself why his body was actually betraying him in the moment. Trying to remind himself that Malkin was Malkin now. He could no longer be his Zhenya. He needed to treat him as Malkin- the competition, distant, a stranger.
"Why here, Sid?" Malkin's voice was soft but guarded. Sid figured he was doing that as a kindness to Sid. So as not to send mixed messages after his last one had been so clear. 
"Just a stupid prank." Sid shrugged. His hands were still tied together, but he pressed his fists gently against Malkin's stomach. 
Space. 
He needed space.
He couldn't keep having Malkin's voice so close to his ears, or feel his voice vibrating through his chest. Malkin moved back slightly. Enough to let Sid stand on his own. One hand stayed on Sid's shoulder the other dropped to the rope binding his hands together. 
Malkin grumbled in frustrated Russian. A rush of words too mumbled for Sid to try and have parsed out anything familiar. After a quick, sharp tug, Sid's wrists are freed. He took a moment to roll his wrists and check his fingers before he dropped his hands into the pockets of his sleep pants.
He took a step back, adding space and avoided looking at Malkin. 
"What prank this?" Sid looked up at the burst of anger in Malkin's voice. Its enough to notice that Malkin's hair was a dark blood red. His eyebrows fighting to furrow in anger and sit high in shock. "Lock in box? Send to Durmstrag? Sid," Malkin dragged a hand down his face, his bottom lip popping back as he sighed in frustration. "You in Russia. Not Hogwarts. This not small prank. Is most big! Don't care if box portkey or weird magic. Is-is not good. Too far.  They go too far." 
"Malkin, they're being idiots." Sid darts a look to Malkin's hair that has dimmed to a dark blue the moment Sid started to speak. There's a moment of confusion for Sid. Then he realizes his presence must have invaded every boundary Malkin had laid to emphasize their end. "I'm sorry. This," Sid sighed and kicked at the stone floor with his socked foot. "Its not fair and I'm not- I'm sorry, ok?" Sid glanced around the room. He had never made it Durmstrag and had no idea what the cluttered room was. 
"Do you have a portkey? Floo powder? I can get myself home. You won't have to see me again." Sid turned his back to Malkin, not wanting to see the relief Malkin would feel about regaining his space from Sid. 
"Wait." Sid sucked in a hard breath as Malkin grabbed at Sid's hand before he could wander towards the pile of boxes in front of an old fire wood oven. Malkin tugged at Sid's hand, but Sid refused to turn around. 
"You want leave?" Malkin's question must have been redundant. Sid knew there was no way Malkin could want Sid to stay longer than he already had. There was no reason for Sid to stay longer, no matter how much he wished otherwise.
"Malkin," Sid sighed softly.
The hand holding his tightened and tugged quickly, Sid jerked around and met Malkin's gaze. He could see the deep grey of Malkin's hair from the corner of his eye. The grey blurred with waves of red and Sid glanced at the hair before he returned his gaze to Malkin's steady stare.
"Stop with 'Malkin'. Is not how you call me. Is wrong." Malkin huffed heavily. His bottom lip plumped forward minutely in a small pout. "Why you not calling Zhenya? Why you stop calling? Stop writing?" Sid noted Malkin's hair stopped flickering, settling on a deep grey that seemed to droop heavily across Malkin's forehead.
"I stopped because you told me you needed to focus on your exams because you were being picked up by a professional quidditch team. That you couldn't keep being distracted." Sid settled a blank stare at Malkin. He didn't want to show how badly he had been hurt and continued to hurt. 
"Wait. You think I'm say you distract? Need to break up because of distract3?" Malkin spoke slowly trying to sound confident in the wording of his questions. Sid jerked his head in the affirmative. He lifted an eyebrow as Malkin's lips formed a small smile. His hair shaded a faint green in the grey.
"You know English worst." Malkin sounded exasperated. "I never not want. Miss you most. Sasha and Tosha hear me. Very confused, Sid." Malkin's voice sped up as he grabbed both of Sid's hands and presses them to his chin. Sid was wary as he listened and knew that he was letting himself hope too much.
"What are you saying?" The hope seeped into Sid's voice and he shut his eyes to silently reprimand himself.
"Saying I'm not want break up. I want me and you together." Chapped lips pressed softly against Sid'a forehead and he inhaled sharper than he had meant to. The gesture something he had missed. Sid pulled a hand loose from Malkin's grip and slid it around his wrist letting himself squeeze tenderly before he rested two fingers on Malkin's forearm. He could feel Malkin's shaky exhale across his face as he registered the familiar geture.
"Why didn't you say something?"
"I do! You not respond and Datsyuk come back with every letter I write. Fly so much. Back and forth. He bring back letter from Marc-André say I need stop and weird thing about not eat cake. I'm not understand the cake part, but I think stop is what you want."
"I couldn't." Sid pressed his forehead against Malkin's lips and sighed. "Did they put me in that thing to force us to make up?" Malkin pulled away from Sid to look at the bureau, blue paint flaking off. Sid grumbled and tugged Malkin closer, arms slipped around one another and they both sighed contentedly. 
"Can be mad if I say I am most happy if is true? Is," Malkin groaned and leaned back to assess Sid's face. Then he slipped one arm from around Sid to pull out his wand. He pointed it towards Sid and rumbled a Russian spell. A pressure grew suddenly in Sid's head and he shook to try and rid the sensation, but stopped when the sensation drifted toward the back of his mind. He could feel it settling in for a potentially long stay.
"What did you just cast on me?" Sid demanded and glared at the gift pinkish orange of Malkin's hair and puckish grin. 
"A simple spell. I can show you if you'd like. I've been reading and working with Seryozah to get it perfect. Does it work?" Malkin looked hopeful as he paused in his speech. Sid blinked slowly as he registered how smoothe Malkin had spoken. But before he could say something the room was invaded by Sasha and Tosha.
"Thank fuck!" Sasha sighed exaggeratedly. He stumbled into Sid and Malkin and pressed a sloppy kiss to Sid's cheek. "This dumbass was so depressed and annoying without you. Never do that again. Just propose now and get it over with." Sasha pointed an accusing finger at Malkin. 
"You better translate fast because I refuse to learn any more English than was necessary to plan with Fleury."
"Rads," Malkin chuckled as Sasha looked back at a smiling Sid. "You're an asshole but thank you." Sid leaned back enough to look at Tosha "You too, Dobby. Total fuckers. The both of you. But thank you."
"He speaks Russian?" Tosha demanded as he threw himself into the small hug.
"No, it's that spell Zhenya has been working on with Professor Gonchar. Dumbass actually got it right." Sasha and Tosha laughed as Sid smiled happily at a blushing Malkin. 
Leaning forward on his tip toes, Sid brushed a soft kiss to Malkin's lips while brushing a finger against the soft pink of his hair. "I missed you, my Zhenya."
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