i need to not eat

but i have nothing to do

and no one to talk to

and i'm so boreddddddd

but I won't!!!!!

ughhhhhhhhhhhh

that feeling when you were wondering why you bother doing this to yourself and then you enter a honeymoon phase and ur like oh 😀

Why do writers want to hurt us. I’m not recover from the season 2 final and now the trailer of Doctor Who ! I can’t. If Donna is hurt in the end, I will cry for the rest of my life.

But it’s the 60th aniversary, they can’t kill Donna right… Right ?

everyone please tell me u can see i lost weight bc that’s the only thing that gives me motivation

i literally lost 5 or more kgs and people tell me constantly they can see it and even my clothes fit bigger but now i’ve been maintaining a bit and no one notices me anymore

i need to lose more so people will notice

Goal

Meal log or whatever from today (11-30-22)

Breakfast: water 0kcal

Lunch: water and a blackberry 2kcal

Dinner: weetabix (again lmao) w/ almond milk and sugar 146 kcal

Exercise: walking for 10 min (-19 kcal)

Net: 129 kcal

Weigh in is on Friday I’m so scared Kano

how am i supposed to heal

while being aware of the pain of those around me

autorskie

Hiii soo I’n back after long time my father is living somewhere else so it’s kinda sad and my Ed is even bigger Than the last time I was on bulimia for like 6 months but I was scared how my teeth would look like so I’m going beck to anorexia for a time I was really on recovery really but it came back sometimes I feel it never went away, but anyways I was 54 kg now I’m about 55:( and my goal is 50 we all know damn well that when I achieve it I’m going lower but I need help how can I loose weight but not from my t!ts

my fav thinspo <3

My long distance "boyfriend" just blocked me and i'm like 🤡😶 ok then ? Like i knew this was coming but wow haha wtf

This would have destroyed me a couple years ago but now, it's just like, it would be nice to have someone to trust to but i know i don't exactly need it, i won't die if i'm alone. It's something i've just learned over the years. And the thing is that dealing with an eating disorder has completely changed my relationship with ppl in general. I used to need so much attention and caring (not that needing attention is a bad thing) but i wouldn't be able to reciprocate in a good way. Then after i became ill again something just switched off in my mind and it was like ok, nothing in my life right now makes any sense, there's nothing i can really do to stop this from happening, and i can't keep people from leaving so, the only thing i can control from now on is food, and so i acted as if i was truly in control of things (i'm not) Began to be there for ppl and started making things less about me and more about them (this took a lot of effort and a couple friends being done with my ed) suddenly i was the strong one, the clown of the group, the soul of the party...i'm not sure if i truly became a better friend but if you were going to spend some time with me i'd make sure to be someone fun to be around with, you'd have all my attention and if u were having a bad moment i would be there, the main focus would always be others and completely avoided talking about myself for a long time so no one would ever have to think about the things i did before partying with friends (restricting for days) family members wouldn't care for my new "eating habits" cuz i always seemed bubbly and looked amazing all the time but don't get me wrong, this is not me complaining, actually i was relieved that everyone was finally at peace, but yeah the whole thing wouldn't last for much longer since some started realizing things weren't looking so great anymore, so as they started asking and demanding MORE from myself ("You need to eat more" "We're not leaving until you have some food" "Don't come to the party if you haven't eaten" "Stop working out so much" "Stop doing drugs" "Stop drinking" "You're not fun to be around anymore") that's when they left, and I seriously don't blame them for that, i guess it's always smart to step aside when u see someone's life coming apart like that, otherwise you're probably gonna get shat on. So right now i can say i'm pretty much a lonely person, but i really just don't care that much about people sticking around anymore cuz for some reason i know i'm stronger than any of them, i've handled my disorder myself for about two years now and i'm the only one who knows exactly what i need...now that doesn't mean i turned into an insensitive lone wolfe or anything like that, sometimes i do feel very lonely and i need to share my feelings and problems but it's not like it was before, i don't bond the way i did, and i don't cling myself to people anymore because i know it's not healthy for any of us, but also i just can't let myself be dependent on someone else ever again, that being said i'm so glad that right now i'm not cutting myself in response to my stupid significant other blocking me from social media, yeah i feel down, i'd cry a little if i wanted to, but at the end of the day it's just life, people come and go just like that.

Just to be clear, i'm not at any moment promoting eating disorders, this is just my experience and i think i'm allowed to vent about it from time to time. I encourage everyone with an ed to reach out for support, but i also know it's not that easy to get so...Be safe.

so i haven't b/p in over a month

and it's definitely bc I'm more flexible now

but I'm still restricting

just making sure i never go over

i never thought i would break that cycle

but i feel like a completely different person

actually fully for real this time

i would rather die than binge

i'm 15 pounds down which isn't as much as I've been able to lose when fasting in a month but my mindset around food is so different

food really is fuel

recognizing mental fuel has helped a lot too

i feel fully recovered from bed now

i have no desire for anything that's not going to get me where i want to be

and i'm not even manifesting

like i saw we had cookies the other day

picked one up

and felt sick thinking about eating it

i feel way less disordered than i used to but also consumed in a different way

i don't think it's ana bc i'm not weighing things anymore or being too precise but only bc in the past that has triggered binges

so now i seem super healthy and balanced but i'm still obsessed with controlling my weight

blahhhhhhh

voiddddd

me when trying to recover made my ed worse 🕺💃🕺💃

I love getting hurt by the people I love. It makes me want to eat less and less

realizing that new chosen/favorite person = new things to be upset about

Withering away but it’s not like I care, I want the small size I want the love of myself that comes with my goal weight. People keep telling me she’s going to kill me.

But I couldn’t care. I was to starve until she takes me and if I don’t die even better I can keep going.