#not even with suicidal intentions | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

utilitycaster · 5 months

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(this is tagged for it as well, but putting it here: the below involves some non-graphic mention/discussion of suicide in relation to episode 3x78)

I think it's important to keep in mind, regarding the most recent episode, that while Ashton's behavior was extremely dangerous and reckless, it was not suicidal in intent. Ashton thought it would work. They thought that they would fix things, and they ignored all the smart people warning them against it because it would imply a lot of negative things about their parents. That doesn't mean it wasn't an action taken out of a certain lack of self-regard (Ashton's realization of this is what drives much of his conversations in the first half of the episode); but it's much more akin to an accidental overdose, or a drunk/reckless driving, or other dangerous choices. It feels very true to the idea of punk that Taliesin is going for, in which dying young is always very much a possibility, even perhaps an expectation; but not necessarily a goal. Ashton did not expect taking the shard to result in their death, and is incredibly shaken specifically because it did.

With that in mind I think the party's reactions seem very real and very understandable. The fact is, when someone does something very risky and nearly dies (or even is briefly clinically dead, using real-world terms) but ultimately survives it's extremely normal for one of the emotional responses to be anger that they put themselves in such danger. It is not, perhaps, rational, but most emotions aren't. It hurts a lot when someone one is close to does something that harmful to themselves. I don't judge the other members of Bells Hells for expressing those feelings. Frankly, them not expressing similar feelings in the past might very well be why Ashton made the decisions he did: the party lacking trust and walking on eggshells around each other is why he didn't confide in them, and why they fell apart so completely here.

I think it's relevant that Chetney tells Fearne, after stating he likes Ashton, that either she or Ashton can talk to him if they "want out", and he pretty heavily implies that this indicates not just leaving Bells Hells, but suicide, and that he has considered the latter in the past. It's clear that initially Chetney considers that a possible reason for Ashton's actions. He then gives Ashton the "You should leave" speech only after everyone present has been talking at dinner, after Ashton has indicated that he will help find Laudna. It only comes out after Ashton's emotional state is made more clear to him: it's pretty bad, but not actively at risk of self-harm (and indeed, desperately trying to avoid it and to change).

Finally, it's worth considering how important anger is to Ashton. Obviously I don't think having Imogen, FCG, and Chetney yell at them feels good. I also think it's going to feel better than apathy, and more honest than any other option. I don't think a forced gentleness would be better; in fact it might be worse, with them taking a break because clearly Ashton is having a hard time and needs to recover (shades of how Marisha mentioned Laudna feeling like a burden following her resurrection), rather than "we are clearly all in disarray and all have been not dealing with a lot of emotions, and this could have been any of us, and we should all regroup." I mentioned before that ultimately what's important is, angry as they are, Bells Hells undeniably stayed, and FCG and Imogen at least made it clear early on that they would, even if they were angry. Ashton was abandoned in the past by people who weren't even angry, is the thing. I don't think they cared enough to be.

#tw suicide #let me know if you need other tags.#critical role spoilers #critical role #ashton greymoore #truly the flat out stated similarities between ashton and fcg and some people's responses have been. unfortunately enlightening.#some who claimed FCG was going to sacrifice themselves/destroy others in the grand disc and were pretty vile about a hypothetical #are quick to paint ashton in a light so sympathetic it demands no one else feel any emotions #Ashton even states his shittiness about the changebringer was bc he thought this would lead FCG to do...exactly what he did with the titans #really it brings us back to a core question: is it action or is it intent. the answer is both but action matters more.#but also. much more bluntly. some of you have never either fucked up real bad or had a friend do so huh.#this felt extremely true to life; that's really it in the end.

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catkin-morgs-kookaburralover · 2 months

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it's so hard knowing when to take yourself seriously or not. like my brain screams at me so often and there are things that are so tempting... at the same time if i go back to the ward what's that gonna help anything, yk? or if i make a serious attempt on my life is that gonna land me involuntary, or what? will it mess up my uni stuff? like yes i anticipate self harm becoming way worse again in the next few weeks. i can see a future in which i'd kill myself in the next few weeks. but at the same time i'm okay in a way i haven't been for months and approaching years, and it doesn't make sense

#tw sh #tw suicide #personal #puddleglum hours #vent ig #tbh if i seriously attempt suicide im probably gonna claim it was an impulsive thing even though this specific method &c is one ive been #thinking about for months and like. yeah i have a plan but no current intent yk #my psych thinks im fine with fortnightly psych sessions #so yay me ig #anyway nobody get worried this is just a vent don't look too seriously

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lnkedmyheart · 1 year

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Listen, I like Oda, he's cool and everything but he tells Dazai the exact same thing Verlaine says to Chuuya. Both of these boys were struggling with their identity and believed they didnt deserve to be seen as humans. Where Dazai was desperately distancing himself but positioning himself in a spot where he could still experience humanity, Chuuya was actively trying to be human while also not fully accepting himself as one. Verlaine tried to break Chuuya by reinforcing his lack of humanity by pointing out how nothing and no one could ever fill that lonely void in him and yea sure we all collectively believe that was a nasty thing to say to a child struggling with his identity who had just lost all his friends. But Oda did the exact same thing, I know his intentions were better and he cared about Dazai when he said that and the meaning was distorted because neither actually understood the other enough, but he told a child struggling with his identity who had just lost his 2 closest friends and had no contact with his partner at the time that nothing could fill the lonely void in his soul.

And nobody is ever allowed to question it or criticise it cause Oda has the cool dead guy syndrome where he isn't allowed to be criticised or judged like other characters.

Because Chuuya heard those words at the very beginning of strombringer by someone he hated and later spent the entire book learning that people did in fact care for him and view him as human and finding out about his parents and the scar, it led to him having (slightly) less of a martyr ideology because he no longer isolates himself and tends to seek out genuine connections even if he is painfully reserved and repressed about his own struggles. Meanwhile Dazai was told those exact same words by Oda at the very end of the dark era arc at an incredibly vulnerable moment when he had literally lost everything and seen things and lives fall apart by someone who he idolized to an almost unhealthy level. This leads to Dazai quite literally losing hope (he shows a hopeful nature a few times in 15 and dark era though it is rather subtle, Dazai shows it most in his attempt to stop Oda from going to the final fight) and becoming a martyr who sees no value in his own life outside of a tool. He struggles to create genuine connections even with people who genuinely care for him (the ADA) and repeatedly puts on a mask in front of them.

Chuuya and Dazai both view themselves as people whose lives are only worth what they can do for others in different ways, Chuuya feels the need to protect because he is the strongest and feels need to earn his existence whereas Dazai feels the need to martyr himself because he only finds value in his life and death by saving people.

#soukoku #i am actually super tired so I am probably making no sense #but i have so many thoughts on this #like they said the exact same thing #sometimes good people have good intentions but an awful execution #sorry but i will never sit here and accept the idea that Oda's words did Dazai good #they gave him a wake up call sure #but anything he had said at that moment #even just telling him to leave and be a good person wpuld have worked because Dazai IDOLIZED him #he could have told Dazai to do a chicken dance and Dazai would have fucking done it at that point #his words pushed Dazai from suicidal but making excuses to a martyr mentality #ive seen people unironically call anyone who dislikes or analyses Oda's words a hater #but somehow every analysis turns into more evidence of skk mirroring each other

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irregularbillcipher · 9 months

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having a normal one about brad and birdie again

#no spoilers for definitive edition here because i haven't played definitive joyful yet and haven't gotten any new birdie content in painful #lisa rpg #i know that half the things i say about birdie are looking Too Far Into It #but also they give us another bearded b-named addiction riddled wreck ruining his life because he's haunted by the deaths of young family #members he feels he should have protected (one of whom even committed suicide) and you expect me NOT to go 'wait that sounds familiar'#honestly the 'like/love' parallel really gets to me because it's so throwaway and i don't know why it's THERE #terry and buzzo say that (and ofc lisa originates it) but that makes SENSE #they're both categorized as someone deeply devoted to someone in the armstrong family. ofc that parallel is made #but why BIRDIE #brad's shirt pattern when he's young is the same pattern as birdie's poncho too #god it's not even just brad #dustin's least favorite thing being 'letting people down' and birdie's being 'being a failure' ESP. with the context of his children like #and (prefacing this by saying i do NOT think birdie was at all the type of father marty was) there's even similarities to marty #like you're telling me the companion who visually looks most like marty is *checks notes* the alcoholic single dad whose kid killed themsel #like there are so many weird things that are canon traits of the armstrong family that you can also see in birdie it's WILD #i'm not even saying i think any of this is THAT intentional or deliberate. like i think having fathers that failed their children on brad's #team is an obvious and deliberate choice but i don't think all this minutia w/birdie was intentional. i acknowledge i'm a lil insane #(birdie has rosy cheeks like marty because they're both drunk. fly also has the same shirt pattern so it's recusing assets. i get it)#there's just a weird amount to pick at if you want to

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llycaons · 10 months

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'poor heroic tragic saint jiang cheng' is actually my favorite jc misinterpretation it is just so fucking funny. I'll watch the man advocate to abandon a group of political prisoners to state-sanctoined genocide, constantly yell about his issues, threaten his nephew and everyone else around him, and abuse his power to intentionally trigger his traumatized brother bc he's mad at him and I go online and see posts about how he's so strong and noble and a great parent/leader despite suffering so much. LIKE

#did he at one point have good intentions and noble goals? yes #did he suffer? oh yeah #did he sacrifice? and was it a secret? you betcha #did this make him into a stoic hero who never talks about his own suffering but just supports his people/protects his nephew? no fucking wa #that man is so self-centered and fixated on his own grievances that he spent over a decade trying to permakill his brother #AFTER HIS BROTHER ALREADY COMMITTED SUICIDE #and he taught his sister's son to hate their brother even KNOWING how much jyl loved wwx and how much she considered them all family #bc he's more interested in his own gratification and his own anger and grieve rather than jyl's wishes or her own legacy #or even jl's happiness. fuck #but all we see is him being a dick to jl and constantly reminding him that his parents are dead and it was wwx's fault #he IS protective of him and I love the zidian scene but that's buried under the bs he puts him through #AND THIS IS A GOOD THING!! HE'S A GOOD CHARACTER!!#and it DOES make him a good foil to lwj!! which is an important part of the text!!#ppl will take the exact opposite of what a story is trying to say smh #cql txp

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horrorlesbians · 27 days

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here to say that hart should’ve died for cohle because he needed to be wiped from the earth anyway

originally they were both supposed to die in carcosa and their bodies would never be found. i like the uncharacteristically optimistic ending for rust, but it would be so fucking tragic for marty to die saving rust or dying because rust is unable to save him. not only does rust not get to die and return to everyone he ever loved, but he also gets to live with the guilt that he dragged marty back into his world only to kill him. haha yeas < sicko voice

#written in blood #if marty died in carcosa before medics could get there I wonder if rust would kill himself #if that would be the breaking point and override his 'i lack the constitution for suicide' whatever his line was #im sappy and like that they survive but if one or both tied it also heightens the tragedy of the whole 'time is a flat circle' mindset #because it will happen again. the kids will be in that room. rust will lose marty over and over. and he will be unable to die himself #i think a lot can be said about how phenomenal woody's acting is that marty can be such an awful person but at least imo you can still #tolerate him. he's able to still come off charming and caring and well-intentioned even though he is deeply flawed and fucked up

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gaylienz · 30 days

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girl help i'm struggling with the inherent impermanence of everything to the point where i'm barraged by existential thoughts that come off as awfully deep-ressing

#i scroll thro blogs and im like well this could all vanish in a year or ten so am i wasting my time?#i go to try and write and i hit the wall of lack of motivation even as i know it requires energy and intention to create #i want to read fics but i have the same problem where i know its inconsequential in the long run and i feel as if i should be writing my ow #i could work on school stuff but ive been doing it all day long..and other future things....scary and intimidating #nothing sounds interesting to watch or read or listen to so im listless and bored and inevitably i think hmm this wouldnt be a thing (tm)#if i was dead. but just in the most casual and not actually suicidal way you know????#just like a fact that is useless bc of course it would be easier bc i wouldnt exist. thanks so much thats actually not helpful at all #cupid.txt

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gworlinterrupted · 6 months

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"lacks basic life skills but owns a bunch of guns cause they think they'll need them when the Revolution comes" is the new "calls themselves a community organizer even though theyre not on speaking terms with their roommate"

#ah leftists. cant live with em cant live without em #if one more person says that the solution to rising transphobia is for all of us to go out and get guns im turning it on myself fr #look at the suicide stats for our community before u shove guns in our hands idk #the trans pride flag w an assault rifle on it symbol makes me feel physically sick even though the intentions may be good #sry i get upset abt this all over again whenever theres another mass shooting in this fucking country

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throwawayaccount3482348873289 · 3 months

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Response

Thank you to Jade/Lolthia @/edens-gemstone for replying to the previous post. I will make an exception in replying as yes, there was a part I forgot to add, which is additional evidence to prove that all your accusations in the comments below are completely false. Allow me to address them one by one.

At the end, I will include some follow-up questions to add additional context for other users.

THE ACCUSATIONS

“Also you literally stalked my tumblr after this, rb posts about Adam that I wasn’t comfy being rb and possibly sent me harassing anons (idk for sure)”

I do not have a Tumblr. This account is made by someone else, posting on my behalf. But if you really are confident that it’s me reblogging these posts and sending harassing anons, post the blog and the anons. If you don’t know for sure, why did you post this?

“You literally just… didn’t want me included because I wouldn't let you ship your OC with Ibara.”

As seen here, this claim is completely false. I explicitly mentioned that I had no problems with the pairing, but asked them to let me know prior next time to ensure the RP is consistent. I may have vaguely talked about an original story I was writing with my OC and Ibara outside of RP, but within the context of the RP, I have clearly stated that I was fine with the direction Lolthia wanted.

None of what they had mentioned was communicated to me at all before the start of the RP. They didn’t even acknowledge what I said, just responding with ‘well I figured it would be obvious’.

Lolthia’s behaviour here is consistent with their stated intention in the previous post: to RP not because they want to collaborate, but because they want other writers to expend time and effort to fulfil their self-ship fantasies, without giving as much in return. Therefore, they didn’t bother giving context, let alone asking if their RP partners were okay with it.

“You even stopped our RP after getting mad about me dating Ibara.”

Lolthia stopped the RP themselves after I confronted them for ranting on their public blog about a communication issue they were unhappy with in this server.

Someone alerted me that they were talking about their RP server on their blog. I was concerned about those in the server who were on Tumblr. As their RP partner, I requested that they delete it and talk to us first in the future. We then had the following conversation.

The conversation ended with this rude remark and Lolthia proceeded to be inactive for a long time before starting the argument in the previous post.

“I got tired of constant pings asking me for stuff”/ “I… asked to stop being pinged because I was going through enough”

I need you to understand that you are the admin of the server. We needed your help to create threads to hold our RPs in. Instead of not saying anything when we pinged you only to throw a tantrum about it, why didn’t you pass the permissions or moderator roles to someone else, or at least notify us that you’d be inactive for a certain amount of time?

In the post where we were planning an RP and pinged you - If your interpretation of ‘maybe they can come in later to keep the narrative consistent’ is us excluding you, that’s honestly a you problem, mate.

TO LOLTHIA/JADE

Only one of the claims you have made against me is correct. Yes - presently, I do not like you. But it’s not because you are whatever you identify as, or that you ship with a specific character.

I do not like you because you vagued your own server members, including myself, on your public blog. When I found out and asked you to edit out the mention of our server at minimum, you still had the gall to try to convince me it didn’t affect anyone but yourself.

I do not like you for insulting my friends and I as writers by saying we were ‘just an alternative to character.AI’ all along. And as people, by comparing us to the hate anons who had sent you death threats when we did nothing of the sort. Then, twisting the above into these accusations, without a shred of proof to go with them.

I am a ROLEPLAYER. Ibara to me is no more than a character and piece of intellectual property.

You:

Explicitly conveyed that your position was to use us to help you get validation for your alleged ‘relationships’ in a similar way to Character.AI.

Took out your jealousy towards other fandom members onto us, even getting emotional when we merely talked about and shared screenshots of characters you liked.

When we didn’t give you attention to your liking, accused us of ostracising you and wanting you dead.

Threw a tantrum at us for pinging you for basic admin duties as the server owner, because it wasn’t attention or praise.

The only irrational one here is not myself, but you, and the hard evidence in these two posts is overwhelming.

I won’t be entertaining any further responses. Please be reminded that any attempt to post my personal information publicly will be met with action by me.

TO OTHER USERS

Q: Did you make both these posts and the document?

No, these posts are follow-ups to the document containing evidence, made by a different person.

Q: Why did you feel the need to engage them rather than leave the server?

We had already talked only amongst ourselves, ignored any vents they had and began our own server long before these events.

Engaging them was at first a personal choice to defend my friends, who had done nothing wrong. At the time, I was not aware that this was common behaviour for them.

The comparison between us and the death threat anons, which could affect my friends’ reputations, was the most compelling reason for me to attempt straightening this out.

Q: Why has this post been made almost a year later?

Yes, I do agree that from the looks of it, Lolthia’s actions are old news. After I was informed, I personally did not want anything to do with them, and decided to let it go.

However, recently, my friends in the same fandom spaces have not had the luxury of curating their own online experiences because according to them, they are constantly remaking blogs. Furthermore, it was not easy for them to work up the courage to make this post, as being wrongfully accused of wanting someone’s death is not easy for anyone. So, I decided to back them up with the hard evidence they lacked.

Thank you for reading.

#ok to reblog #ok to rb #I may as well also say something in the tags (I am the one posting on someone else's behalf):#I myself hope this is the last post made on here as well. There is nothing more to add honestly.#This is honestly getting tiring. I know you will read this Jade one way or another. You will come across it.#If you have evidence for the contrary and can prove that you are in the right please do so (I already know you can't).#You will claim to be 'harrassed' but that is not our intention (anyone sending you harrassment or threats is not behavior we tolerate).#(Also no we are sending no one after you nor 'stalk your blog'. Don't act as if we don't have anything better to do... Because we do)#Let me tell you a secret Jade: You are NOT important. We only had enough of your behavior online since it does not change. At all.#It affects others - It affected us and it is affecting the communities you are in as well as a good portion of their members.#Please let it go already. But you can't. Because... As you said yourself 'Any attention is good attention'.#And some of your current mutuals will try to say 'it adds fuel to the fire'. This is not the intention in any way.#The only intention is to document Jade's online behavior and warn others. Because they have already gone too far.#This is to document and prove that they are no different no matter where they go. We only want to spread awareness.#It is not just me and the other person who are sick of it. Many others are sick of it as well. We want it to stop.#Their actions affect others nowadays as well. Only last month there was yet another incident heavily affecting another person.#Why? Because Jade thought it was necessary to make a 'callout post'. Even though the situation was long over.#This should have been long over and everyone involved is trying to move on. But you Jade make it impossible. This has gone on far enough.#Not to mention having been exposed to your drama and graphic vents (which at least sound suicide baity) have also stressed me out.#I kept out of the drama but it was affecting my mental state as well. All because you manage to land yourself into so many controversies.#I moved blogs because I had enough of your shit. Seeing it day in and out does a lot to a person.#'But no one cares about me' - We do not wish you ill (that is the truth) but this has to stop somehow. You are not the victim here.#It's always others but honestly... Given how much shit you got yourself into maybe you are to blame. This isn't normal after all.#Maybe ask yourself what you are doing wrong. But you won't. You never will. You will paint us as 'the bad ones' here.#That's the only thing you know how to do. You cannot owe up to anything and you are proving it time and time again. Even now.#Why do you get defensive now and not when the document dropped? Because there is solid evidence for your bullshit. That's why. You know it.#Deleting because you will throw a temper tantrum? No. Forget it. But again if you have proof for your claims come forward.#To me personally if you wish. But beware: This is not the first time I have dealt with this bullshit. I know this behavior all too well.#You are pulling bullshit I have already seen. My advice is to just log off already and sort your problems out.#This is not the first time I dealt with your type. You show the pattern I honestly expect and you will react as I expect.

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manga-and-stuff · 2 years

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Source: Hiraeth: The End of the Journey Hiraesu wa Tabiji no Hate ヒラエスは旅路の果て

by Yuhki Kamatani

#Hiraeth #Hiraeth The End of the Journey #Hiraesu wa Tabiji no HateMasaaki #Yuhki Kamatani #Manga and Stuff #Mangacap #Manga #Art #one detail I like about this manga is the fact that this girl was trying to commit suicide and her clothes reflect that #she really does look like she just threw over some jacket and put on her sneakers and went out with no intention of ever coming back #she seemingly didn't even bring her wallet keys or phone #because why would she?

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spocks-kaathyra · 2 days

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really nothing more detestable than a coward

#monumental vent post incoming don't read the tags if u don't want to 🫡🫡#about me to be clear. disgusted at this part of myself that I don't seem able to change at all #even ppl who do shitty things. at least they have confidence and intention and purpose. u can admire that #nothing lower than someone who harms others through inaction. someone who knows the right thing to do and can't bring themselves to do it #really subhuman in my cowardice. I don't think anyone has ever deserved respect less. I don't think anyone has ever been this useless #I contribute nothing to the lives of the ppl around me or to the world.#I could never be the hero of any story.#not suicidal but what is the point if I'm this useless. sure I can enjoy my life but I will never contribute anything to anyone else's life #I will never contribute anything of value to anyone's life. I will never be able to help in any meaningful way.#I can't even bring ppl the brief simple joy of laughter.#maybe that's why I like characters who were raised to be tools. at least they're given a purpose. a skill to hone. a cause to contribute to #even if it's like a bad evil cause that hurts them. at least they earn their existence somehow #I'm really like a waste of oxygen #ppl ask why we're here and I answer that I'm here to have fun. as if that's enough. is there anything more selfish than that #as if I've earned that. as if I've ever been anything but a burden on the ppl around me. ''I'm here to have fun'' god you're disgusting #I. enjoy my life. I just feel like I don't deserve to. I haven't earned it. I'm disgustingly useless #disclaimer I'm not suicidal and nothing really prompted this I've just been. thinking.#having new bad realizations. do u understand how privileged I am if I tell u I've never had these thoughts before #and I will think all this and continue to act as selfish and cowardly as I have always acted. I will continue to be paralyzed by inaction #nothing worse than someone who apologizes and then doesn't change their behavior #narcissus's echoes #vent

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heir-less · 1 year

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Harry sussex had a whole breakdown over her Harry doing this to her and leaving and thanked Vanessa (who not only created a tag to harass a black woman but continuously downplayed Meghan being biracial and insisted she's white passing) for consoling her "despite their differences". What's suspicious is that anon thinking that creepy white woman that went to yell at Meghan during her private baby shower is in any way comparable to the active Sussex supporters on Tumblr. Like wtf??

EDIT: It wasn't harry-sussex who supposedly went to Meghan's baby shower, that was a crazy person off Twitter

Yeah, harry-sussex is terrible, full stop. Katie's done so much over the years to prove that she's just peachy with racists so long as she can still reblog her cute lil family gifs and maintain a freaky, scorned-lover parasocial relationship with Harry, so saying that you suspect someone else of being like her just because is wild to me.

This is a person who called Meghan (she was referring to wives but I doubt she meant Kate) "replaceable" with a fucking gun emoji in the tags days after Meghan talked about wanting to commit suicide and living in constant fear that someone will harm her and her children in the documentary (the one Katie said she hasn't watched but still called the Sussexes assholes over all the same). And then, when someone says that's a bad look, she doesn't apologize right away but goes "oh, tee-hee, I just meant it as brothers are irreplaceable UwU" and says people are "reading into it too much" before giving a blasé apology. This isn't someone who has normal and valid critiques of Meghan and Harry.

#tw suicide #royal fandom #meghan #answered #anonymous #i like the 'critical thinking' part as if it's some how not thinking critically to think something is a bad look #it doesn't matter what your intentions are how something is perceived matters just as much #why would you think using a symbol of a gun to the head would be appropriate in that context #even if you're referring to yourself it makes you look like you're mocking people and it's in poor taste

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