WILD WEST AU!!!!

You ever notice that when fools do a western AU, they cheap out on the horses or ignore them entirely??? WELL NOT HERE, FOLKS. ONLY THE HIGHEST QUALITY HORSE CONTENT. BECAUSE I LOVE Y’ALL AND ALSO HORSES.

Frank has a snooty Appaloosa because he’s fancy, but also appaloosas are reliable trail horses, so that means he can go bug collecting without worrying much. His insect collection is the envy of all the rich collectors in the whole county.

Wally ended up with a chestnut Arabian mare, because Wally is too small for a bigger horse and I just think it’s funny. HANG ON THERE, PARDNER!! SHE’S A WILD ONE!!! Luckily, Wally is usually unaware of his own horse acting up, and the mare ends up tiring herself out just because Wally simply doesn’t even notice her… he’s too busy spacing out. But he’s one of the best Bronco Busters around thanks to her!

Hunter/trapper/fur trader Barnaby has himself a lovely Shire mare with a sweet and patient disposition. She has no trouble carrying whatever Barnaby has hunted as well as big ol’ Barnaby himself… but he still feels bad about making her work, so he only ever hunts what he needs to in order to get by.

Julie and her mustang are BOTH wild. Julie had the chance to tame her, but instead she just fed off of her spirited energy and now the two of them just tear around being crazy together, getting into trouble, rolling in the dust… Julie wouldn’t have it any other way.

What better steed for a Pony Express postal worker than a sure footed mule?! Seriously, mules are the mountain goats of the equine world. Eddie’s mule might not be as fast of a sprinter as some horses, but this animal can trek over ANY terrain, ensuring that all of the mail gets delivered on time. They have yet to miss a single delivery.

(Snake oil) Salesman Howdy Pillar has a general store in town as WELL as a covered wagon to travel around, ensuring that everyone gets the best deals on their pork ‘n’ beans, biscuits, tobacco, and tonics. You want it? Howdy’s GOT it… and his team of 3 dapple gray Connemara ponies, and one brown one, will make sure that you can get it… also the tallest character having the smallest horses makes me giggle.

Poppy doesn’t have a rideable horse yet, which is perhaps for the best. She spends a lot of time at Howdy’s general store or riding in his wagon. She is his best customer. But she has recently come by a thoroughbred foal that she is now raising from a bottle. So perhaps one day very soon Poppy will have her own tall and elegant steed to carry her around… let’s just hope he’s not too fast for her.

Sally is a performer at the local saloon by night and helps out with cleaning during the day… she knows NOTHING about horses… but one night, after all the local drunks went home, a poor American Paint got left behind. Nobody came back to claim the animal, so Sally boards him at the local ranch and visits often. She hopes one day to learn how to ride him, but it’s slow going. She is, after all, a singer and actress first.

AND THEN HOME THE SALOON!! YOU DIDN’T THINK I’D FORGET HOME, DID YOU?? He has a small stable in the back and a second floor, where Wally lives! Wally gets to spend all his free time hanging out, meeting up with his friends, and drinking all the apple juice he wants! (Just don’t tell him it’s apple juice, he’ll get confused. He thinks he’s just drinking whiskey like everyone else. It’s easier this way.) Also Home is the only saloon that can kick out belligerent drunk people itself!

Also Bonus OCs, Luna O’Hare the bilingual cartographer (created by @m0stlygh0st) and Simon, my boy, the ranch hand! Luna has an Andalusian that she likes to dress up, braid it’s mane, and stick flowers in it-… as snacks for later. They’re also grazing buddies and Luna can often be found eating the horse feed because it’s so similar to rabbit food. Simon has a gelding Quarter Horse with golden retriever energy and not a single braincell to his name. Poor Simon… but at least his horse loves him.

YEEHAW!!!! 🤠

What are your thoughts on Larx/Elrena I'm curious now lol, I'm new to this blog

Allow me to preface this with the following: I was introduced to this series by a friend who only told me about Xion. I got a copy of Days as my first *played* KH game because of that, and got more attached to Larxene than anyone else. My first experience was with the GBA version of CoM several years earlier. And henceforth, I will be using Elrena as the primary name in this post, unless the statement specifically refers to her time as a Nobody.

...This post is almost 1000 words of unorganized thoughts after this point.

So.

Elrena is a character I picked up on really soon after starting my journey with this series. As in, before her origin was revealed, I was already obsessing over how she might have been before.

This meant that when the reveal actually occurred, I was thrilled. Because when KHUx rebranded, and we met Lauriam, my little singular braincell made the connection that "Hey, these characters get along like they were already friends, maybe they came from the same place."

I was revealed to be right about six months after mentioning this to someone.

Beyond that, we've got her storyline in KHUx proper. She's revealed as a very quiet, withdrawn character. Polar opposite to Larxene, though we know they're mostly one and the same. When Larxene dies in KH3, we even witness her briefly returning to the old, clearly anxiety-bearing Elrena. She becomes, quite literally, a completely different person after she disappears.

The KHWiki explains that she was chosen to be a Dandelion due to her aversion to Darkness. When she dies in KH3, Larxene releases more Darkness than ANY other True Organization member. When Lauriam asks her about Strelitzia, Elrena explains that they weren't exactly friends, but that they did talk sometimes.

My theory, as someone who came from a similar situation, is that she had a bad start to life. That before Daybreak Town, she may have been in an abusive situation of sorts- perhaps one she ran away from. The aversion to Darkness stemmed from such a situation. The refusal to admit that she had friends came from a need to be independent for the sake of survival. The anxiety she expresses around the Union Leaders also points to this, as does the aggression and refusal to follow orders as a Nobody.

We also see her actively interacting with more than just her default/preferred element in KH3. She makes an entire labyrinth of ice. A MASSIVE labyrinth of ice. Having the skill to do that, but not using it, is very much a trauma response- you don't show off every skill when people push you to constantly do more on account of them.

Part of this- most of this- is projection. I've seen myself in this character since day 1. She was everything I ever aspired to be. I didn't see her as a bad character, I saw her as someone who stood up for herself. Something I couldn't do.

That's one part of my thoughts. The other part is her connection with Lauriam/Marluxia in particular.

Like. We know that Elrena knew Strelitzia. There's a non-zero chance that Lauriam had been introduced to her before Strel's death, which is kinda obvious, since he recognizes her by appearance.

The fact that Elrena is the FIRST person Lauriam goes to for help, despite knowing Strelitzia's connection to the Player, is important to me. The fact that Elrena's willing to help despite "not" being friends with the deceased. The fact that Elrena knows where to find Lauriam when she has something to share about the situation is also important, since she's the ONLY non-leader, bar Player, to enter the clock tower.

Her lack of confidence when they're being sent into the Lifeboats, as well- specifically needing to be comforted, told she's worthy of survival, and being given a task to keep her grounded. The fact that she only calmed down enough to agree when she was told she was needed. The fact that the only one who registered what she needed was the older brother of the friend she never admitted to having.

More importantly, the fact that Marluxia and Larxene were very much separate from the rest of the Organization. They were all each other had. The fact that Marluxia doesn't face Sora at all after his introduction until AFTER Larxene is defeated.

The fact that Marluxia and Larxene face Sora together in the Keyblade Graveyard, that their attacks are so specifically balanced/timed that when one goes down, the other falls within a few hits. That Luxord is also there, but has a third of the HP, so most of the battle is just against those two. That their death scenes both have them remember their pasts. That Larxene, returning to herself, specifically remembers the goal she was given. That she's very clearly referring to Marluxia when she refers to her 'secret.'

These two characters literally have a bond transcending time and memory. There's been no Red String Of Fate trope done better than this.

I just.

So much of Elrena's characterization depends on the people she cares about. She won't admit that she cares about them, but they're so important to her that without them, she'd be someone completely different.

I see myself in this character. I always have. She's impacted how I interact with the world around me. The fierceness she has as a character is what's carried me out of a lot of bad situations.

I have a lot of thoughts about her. I can't put a lot of them into words. She's all I think about, but there's nothing going on inside my head half the time. Just like. a vague image of Elrena. just vibing.

I play her in my roleplay server. I have fun with her. Everyone else has fun with my depiction of her. I want to see her in KH4 and I want to see if I'm correct about how she'd respond to having her ultimate goal fulfilled. Because with the kind of anxiety she displays, she's either going to be the type to isolate, or the type to just seemingly give up when there's no more that *has* to be done.

...I just. really enjoy her as a character.

good boy gone bad | intros [ii]

a/n: written profiles under the cut! introducing the rest of our cast now that they're about to make an appearance~ the main characters will still bc chanlix + txt, but woojoong will be very prominant side characters! the other four aren't going to be as closely involved which is why they're not in the header, but i couldn't resist adding them anyway ^^; i have no self control but i swear they're there for a reason

wooyoung is yeonjun's best friend outside of his tight-knit friend group, and also friends with just about everyone in town and their mothers as well. (he works at a local family restaurant and absolutely floors the older folk with his manners and good cooking.) he absolutely lives for the drama, but somehow manages to avoid the bad sides of just about everyone despite making a habit of annoying everyone as a form of endearment and never shutting up about his boyfriend (and rooommate) yeosang. no one knows how he does it, he claims its his "irresistible charms," and that might actually be true. if you want to stick your nose into someone else's business, wooyoung's your guy.

hongjoong is supposedly an arts student at KQ - but much like beomgyu, nobody has seen him turn up to any classes. the rare times he's caught on campus he's either in an empty classroom, quiet studio or outside in the yard working on his assorted mediums of art in his reformed clothes and constantly-changing hair colours. eccentric yet charismatic, many are too intimidated to talk to him, and those who do are often left speechless by the end of their interaction. despite this, he is often caught with wooyoung clinging to his side and bothering him, and yeosang, enjoying his company in companionable silence.

jisung aka han to everyone on campus (he tried it out as a nickname and it just sort of stuck) and changbin are two halves of one whole; chaotic roommates who have never heard of a sleep schedule, constantly cooped up in the studio with chan or playing video games and eating takeout when they probably should be doing their uni assignments. however, when their two braincells collide (albiet, merely hours before any deadlines they may have) they are unstoppable, and somehow still manage to stick around at the top of most their classes.

yeosang is a business major who is known more for his status as wooyoung's trophy boyfriend, but he can't say he minds the title much - he enjoys wooyoung dragging him around and showing him off, and knows that other people don't see how close their relationship is behind closed doors. he prefers to stick to wooyoung and some select close friends rather than befriending everyone around him anyway.

seonghwa is a modelling student who is adored by many for his looks with quite the following, but he is aware that most of the attention he gets is purely superficial. hence, he sticks to his few close friends he knows that stick around for the right reasons - but all of them being gorgeous modelling students gives him an equally superficial image to those on the outside. he'd rather them think that than find out he's a huge nerd who collects star wars figurines.

prev | m.list | next | intros [i]

taglist:@jaxavance@fiantomartell @roulette010 @hyvn-jaeee @remiee @syunderful @absentcaryatid (lmk if you wanna be added/removed!)

'Hux' - a Star Wars rewrite of 'Gaston'

(Phasma) Gosh it disturbs me to see you my friend Looking dejected and sad Everyone here’d love to be you my friend In fact they all think that you’re rad There’s no man in town as respected as you You’re Jakku’s most frightening guy! Everyone trembles and cowers for you And it’s not very hard to see why… No-one’s smarter than Hux Or works harder than Hux No-one poisoned their maniac father like Hux No there’s no-one in town as strategic Perfect! A pure paragon You can ask any Bith, Sith, or Twi’lek And they’ll tell you who’s team they’d prefer to be on…. (Ensemble) No-one murders like Hux Has gone further than Hux Or builds weapons to melt a steel girder like Hux (Hux) As a specimen yes, I’m intimidating

(Ensemble) My, what a guy, is that Hux! Give five hurrahs, and twelve hip-hips! ‘Cause Hux is the best and the rest are all drips!

No-one’s spites quite like Hux Denies rights like our Hux Or recovers from Resistance bites quite like Hux (Female Ensemble) We don’t care he’s not burly or brawny ‘Cause we know he’s got braincells to spare Though he is a bit pasty and scrawny We can’t get enough of his flaming red hair! (Ensemble) No-one schemes quite like Hux Crushes dreams quite like Hux Pulls apart a democracy’s seams just like Hux He’s especially good at disintegrating! My what a guy, is that Hux! (Hux) When I was lad I killed four thousand men Every fortnight to help me get strong And now that I’m grown I’ll kill five million men And nobody can tell me I’m wrong! (Ensemble) Who wears suits like our Hux? Starts disputes like our Hux? Or goes stomping down hallways in boots like our Hux? He’s the future of galactic despotism! My what a guy… That Hux! *** This comes from my Reylo retelling of Disney's 'Beauty and the Beast', which you can find here:

Hi bored, I'm anon

Now that I got that out of my system, could I goad you into talking more about the card club au? Like how do the others stumble upon this little college group? You mentioned a variation where they're crypid hunters so maybe you'd like to share a particularly interesting encounter?

Wait in the crypid variation do the other scybes still join card club? Imagine if they're crypids but hiding their identities in order to participate, the other three bragging about finding different creatures and successful hunts while the three crypids nod and store that information for later encounters. Maybe they also subtly tease the hunters, giving them false information and advice (and also trying to screw their fellow crypids over with real info)

ON IT. Here's some info:

Poe is 31 and decided to pursue higher education later in life, Kaycee is 30 and kept switching majors before finally landing on her current one, Luke is 29 and dropped out from multiple colleges before (fourth time's the charm?). P03 studies something relating to programming and works part-time at a mechanics shop, Kaycee focuses on game design and 3d modelling and works in retail (though her mum is paying for her studies), and idk what tf Luke is studying but he sure is there and works at McDonald's (god save him).

In the occasional spare time that they have outside of work and studying, the three decide to set up a card club (Kaycee and Luke we're big into card games, especially Inscryption, and they dragged P03 along). At first, nobody else's interested but eventually, they're joined by Grimora, Magnificus and Leshy (still figuring out their names, but might use the same ones I gave to them in Lost Souls AU for simplicity's sake?). Mags joins first, he's an office worker who's into DnD and larping, he's also into Inscryption and he heard about the card club in passing and decided to check it out. Grimora and Leshy stumble onto it through flyers. Grimora didn't have many hobbies and wanted to branch out so it seemed like as good of an opportunity as any. Dunno about Leshy's reasoning tho, maybe he was just bored. Oh and Leshy owns a flower shop and Grimora works at a funeral home. Oh, and Grimora is in her early to mid-40s, Mags is in his early 50s and Leshy is in his mid-50s to early 60s.

Other characters are just people living around the town, like Rebecha is also a student at the same university and The Mycologists teach there.

Generally, there's no plot, it's more of a slice of life AU. They all have their problems and use that card club as means to get away from them. For Grimora it's her unhappy family life, for Leshy it's the fact he feels lost and like his life has no point to it, for Mags it's his exhausting shitty office job and stress that comes with it, and for Luke, P03 and Kaycee it's the stress from studies and work and their respective shitty family situations. Other than that P03 struggles a lot with ableism and internalised ableism, to the point that he fakes being able-bodied in the card club by covering his prosthetics and making sure he leaves last so they don't see he's parked in a disabled spot (mostly out of fear that they will treat him different or will be assholes because he "doesn't look disabled" or he's "too young to be disabled" and similar kind of bullshit)

I god damn adore P03's, Luke's and Kaycee's dynamic, they're all just a bunch of idiots with a collective singular braincell (that they use half the time anyway). P03 is a sarcastic asshole, Luke is a big sweetheart that adores said asshole and thinks he's the funniest bitch alive to the point that people keep doing double-takes whenever Luke laughs at P03's mean jokes, and Kaycee is the brain of the trio, a little dead inside and keeps pulling them into weird shit. Kaycee and Leshy are naturally also close friends and Kaycee starts coming by his store as often as she can. Leshy and P03 have a hilarious dynamic in because there's just something funny about a man that's almost retirement age who's normally a sweetheart but just can't stand this Singular Asshole like half his age. Also, I adore P03's and Grimora's dynamic here? Be it platonic or romantic; they're just very close and support each other and AUGH- P03 helps her get out of a toxic relationship and I'm so here for it.

As for cryptid hunters-- I love your idea for it! It sounds fun. My version of it is like-- the card club doesn't exist, the three just start an amateur ghost/cryptid hunter series and rope Rebecha into this because she's the only one with a big enough car for all their equipment. They all just mostly joke around and (mostly) think that every case is just bullshit. That doesn't stop P03 and Luke from getting scared shitless though! Luke is a huge wimp, followed closely by P03 who just puts on a brave face but might be an even bigger wimp than Luke, Kaycee is the normal amount of cautious/scared. Rebecha usually stays by the truck and talks with them through the radio, and she sometimes enjoys scaring the shit out of them.

Grimora, Leshy and Magnificus are cryptids, and they meet the others during one of their explorations. The four went hiking in the winter and got stranded, so P03 went to gather some firewood but didn't come back because he got attacked by Something. Idk what it was yet but it took a whole chunk out of his neck and part of his intestines before Leshy stepped in and carried P03 to safety. The next day Luke and Kaycee were forced to leave because of an unexpected snowstorm. Meantime P03 woke up in Grimora's hut and, naturally, freaked the fuck out. Like a week later Luke and Kaycee return against better judgement and also almost die out in the cold, but once again the Conveniently Placed Leshy swoops in. These humans need to stop almost dying in his forest. Seriously, where are their manners?

Also, P03 is trans and his name is pronounced as Poe but written as P03 because he's a fucking nerd.

i never rlly stop thinking about how fucked it would be to live in the middle of nowhere in any universe w superheroes. the big cities each have at least one hero in the vicinity but outside of cities?? wtf do you do

like logically anyone who's like genuinely trying to plot world domination and has more that 3 braincells is not going to be preparing their plans in the middle of a big city full of superhumans who can and will stop them, right? especially if we r talking about in the US. like there's so much open space, they could plot in a secluded little stretch of property and nobody would know.

and like i know that logically most of the villains in superhero media want to cause destruction and damage rlly obviously and publicly. but like if one started out absolutely like demolishing small towns or whatever who the fuck's gonna stop them? if they do it quietly enough, nobody will notice until it's too late

I know I’m not some expert in good guy vs bad guy cat and mouse scenarios but.... it’s it a good idea to NOT TELL YOUR PLAN OF TAKING DOWN THE BAD GUYS TO THE BAD GUY YOU ARE GOING TO TAKE DOWN?!

For the New age/new era AU: There comes a point where Luz has to deal with the whole “Missing Person.” Thing with police, so she makes up a story like “I may or may not have been kidnapped by a cult for the past 4 years and I don’t want to try and press charges because I just want to forget that.” And the detectives working on her case are annoyed because she’s covered in scars, literally eatting garbage, and has strange tattoos all over her body that she calls “a nessessity.”

Detective: we’re going to put you in therapy Luz, trying to eat around a half-burnt beef patty: oh I already got that a while ago Detective: Detective: we’re going to put you in more therapy

Luz eventually just gets caught one day and some detective with a braincell brings up “hey since her name is Luz, she appears in the same town a kid named Luz Noceda went missing in, and their ages match, this may just be that one missing kid nobody ever found” and Luz could deny all she wants but there was simply Too Much Evidence and she gave in. though not without a fight and 'forgetting’ a lot of details. was fairly easy to spin the tale that she got kidnapped by some satanic cult and conveniently “took care of them” before she escaped and that no, she doesn’t remember where they are, and no, doesn’t want to press charges and would rather forget. detectives are Mad Sus. 

now, some people working on the case were sympathetic at first. Luz’s story sounded like it could at least hold Some truth, and getting those tattoos and scars couldn’t have been fun. there are a TON of theories. that she was branded with the tattoos, the scars were abuse suffered by the cult (which is technically true for some of them, if you count the Coven as a cult), that she was tricked into believing she needed the tattoos, that they only fed her junk, the cult gave her delusions, etc, etc. although must of them get Really Tired with Luz when she keeps not taking any of this seriously, despite the fact her missing persons case had gotten the reputation of being impossible to crack, and messes up all kinds of investigations.

god now I’m just imagining a whole scenario where a detective is trying to figure out what happened to Luz, or some journalist (maybe working together??) is trying to get the Full Story but Luz is being careless and difficult. Luz’s story doesn’t hold up at ALL, and there are plenty of holes in it. detective: you seem awfully cheerful for someone who escaped a cult luz: oh, I escaped them a good few years ago detective: oh? where were you once you escaped the cult? luz: wandering about, trying to make it back home, you know how it is detective: did you not think to contact police? you were 14 when taken, how could you not remember at least where your state is? luz: hey, you expect an 18-year-old who grew up in a cult to trust police to help them? detective: you have no quarrels helping us now luz: its kinda cause I have to, also, you know, got therapy detective: so you somehow managed to get an official therapist, despite being a missing persons, having no family or guardian around, and presumably no place to live? how did you pay for it? who was your therapist? luz: whoa man you don’t know me like that, I’ve got...(was about to say wife but realized that would make things Worse)...no interest,,,, detective: this is Literally An Investigation Case

also whenever she & detective/journalist are like In Town, the rest of the townsfolk are just Starin n Luz is giving a lil Wink bc shes a bastard. yes the townsfolk were interviewed. yes it sounded very crackheaded to the authorities. what also didn’t help was that the owl fam would still show up in the background causing shit and Luz had to frantically either make them leave or make the detective/journalist look elsewhere so they wouldn’t see her dumbass family and ask questions. though since they heard from the townsfolk that Luz supposedly has other hooligans she hangs out with, they absolutely asked Luz where said people was. Luz has a different excuse each and every time. they threaten to lock her up for not following orders. Luz dares them to try.

Luz can act as cool n cocky as she wants, but that entire situation had her Sweating Bullets and ready to dip out and hide in the Boiling Isles and remain on the down-low for another four years if needed to avoid getting into all that kinds of mess. she almost forgot how much humans alternate between not caring and being Very curious. shes so tired someone help her

Sun & Moon (BPVA)(Part 1?)

I’ve discovered a few folklore pieces from village-era Hermit City. These particular few is very much up for debate, as oral storytelling was the originator, and it wasn’t written until “The Librarian” came to the town - which I will most certainly look into. I will keep them as brief as possible. - Doc

Sun & Moon

Upon coming to Hermit City, the people began to notice strange phenomenon. Strange things that happen, but cannot be explained. The baker’s bread would suddenly go missing in the night, only for a fresh one to appear in its place in the morning. The school teacher found her, at the time only seven, students missing in the afternoon. The village searched for hours, but the kids were home when the village returned when the sun was setting. There were plenty of others - dogs barking at shadows, the cats hissing at the sun, kids talking about these creatures who nobody else seems to see. 

The blacksmith called a meeting, being the unofficial leader of the village, and started, what was called, The Hunt. (Real creative, but I’m pretty sure there wasn’t a single braincell in creativity)

From this, people became a state of conjoined paranoia. There was so much to fear - items being lost, children going missing for hours, children talking about entities that go indescribable, and their livelihood already was a mess to begin with. There was madness going around, and, according to the novella written by the Librarian, it was time for the people to meet the Sun and the Moon.

First, it was the Sun, who first visited the teacher as dawn rose. The Sun wasn't malicious, only chaotic, and the village was hesitant around them, but didn’t pick a fight. How could they fight someone who was warm and radiant such as the Sun?

For the Moon, it was much more difficult. It was not a matter of seeing the Moon as a darker entity, for she was seen as a light in the darkness, but it was a matter that this light was just as powerful as the Sun. She was younger, and strong, and just as chaotic. People saw more danger in her than the force of pure, unfiltered chaos that was the Sun.

Although, apparently, this wasn’t the case for long. 

(My thoughts: Personally, while there is a Sun/Moon brother/sister dynamic with Grian and Pearl, I do not believe this is them. If anything is to go off of, I take more interest in the Librarian. I found a copy of their folklore novella and stole it. It was an unedited version of Sun & Moon, translated from the original version. I asked the vigilantes about it, and they said they don’t remember that long ago. Helpful as always.)

~~

The Lyndwrym

This piece is actually a poem written by the teacher. There’s not many *reliable* sources that has her reason why, but the Librarian says, in the brief description, that the teacher wanted a fun way to introduce her students to her new friend, while also teaching a bit of poetry.

The poem describes how the dark spots in the moon makes the shape of a lyndwrym - a wingless dragon creature that was a popular 11th century motif - and how that lyndwrym watched the people of the Hermit village, wanting to join them. So she did. Using the shadows, a bit of moonlight, and she was able to make herself look human. However, the dark spots she made in the moon disappeared as she did, creating the Rabbit and Man in the moon.

“On top her head was dark, dark hair,

A brownish color, I would fare,

And in her eyes there is a boon,

I see moonlight in those beautiful blues,”

- Excerpt from “Lyndwrym”

(My thoughts: Possible. Pearl is closely associated with the moon, and can only shift her form in darkness. It is not out of the realm of possibility, but she is reluctant to talk about the poem. Any poem about the moon I hope she and Grian were not lying about their memory, but I can understand. It’s hard to be open when such a thing leads to getting hurt, or being used against you. It’s unpleasant)

~~~

Chickens, Silk, and How a Festival Was Forgotten

Technically, this is not proper folklore. It was a festival based off people’s ideas of superstitions. And it was mentioned in the Librarian’s book as well.

Originally, the supersition was that, if you decided to make chicken, or even kill a chicken, you were to hang a silk handkerchief with the village’s sigil for the sun, because the Sun loved chickens and birds and things that fly. Where you hung the silk was based on wherever you were going to kill the chicken. Most people hung it on the chicken coop, or on their house door. Butchers would hang it on their shops.

People decided to make a festival out of it. The butchers and chicken ranchers would take their fattest chickens and cook them for the village. It was a feast for everybody, rich and poor, old and young, and it only expanded as the village grew. The adults would decorate the town, children helped prepare the giant tables that would be moved to the town center, and elders made traditions and games to be passed down. Wearing feathers during festival day was important, and the sun sigil was hung everywhere - on lanterns especially. Chickens were treated like royalty, and all birds were given the utmost respect.

The Librarian wrote about how this festival was forgotten: the rise of the modern age. A village became a town, which became many, which became a magnificent city. Money became an issue, rising tensions between people, separation between generations, and apathy. People stopped caring about the sun and the moon. Chickens were just another thing to eat. And the sigil was only preserved for the sake of history, not tradition or love. It became just another thing for people to look at and disregard. 

‘Not all traditions are born of evil, a place of hatred, or even grow into things of hatred,’ the Librarian wrote, ‘but it will be forgotten and seen as a silly thing people of the past done.’

(My thoughts: I’ve seen the sun sigil before. Grian has doodle it, and multiple other sigils, when his head wanders. I believe one of his forms has it as a tattoo. I know Ariana Griande uses it as a personal logo, maybe she is the one with it tattooed. Typically, personas are kept simple, so Grian doesn’t have to worry about minor details. I think, for his birthday, I’m going to get him a sketch/notebook. I saw one in Scar’s shop that had a blank page on one side, and lines on the other. I think it’ll help him stay organize and test the limits of his shifting ability, and he won’t have to ask me or anybody else if he looks correct.)

Flowers and bad ideas

Prompt by the one and only @dont-tempt-me-frodo when words ran dry and ideas ran away. Thank you for letting me borrow the braincell! Many words were worded and I hope it is readable and did your idea justice! 

On Ao3 here! 

The skies are clear and blue above them. Lazy white clouds drift over them, the summer heat making any attempt at movement slow and drowsy. Despite this, Geralt has decided they need to be on their way. Despite this, Geralt has donned his leather and his armor. Despite this he keeps a brisk pace on the dirt road, every now and then reminding Roach to keep going with a nudge of his heels.

Walking next to and slightly behind them walks a bard, completely bored out of his mind and in so much misery because of the gods damned heat. It’s the kind of heat that gives the air above the road a floaty quality. Don’t ask Jaskier for better words to describe it right now please, his brain is boiling inside his skull. 

In a desperate attempt to distract himself from the slow cooking of his most prized body part (wait, scratch that, second most prized body part!)  he looks around. Maybe there are some greens he can use to decorate his brain when it is ready to be served. A wild pepper mayhaps? A handful of berries? A decorative flower might suit? Jaskier fans himself with his hands, hair sticking to his sweaty forehead. It makes no difference whatsoever, no respite to be found. His tunic sticks to his back under all the layers of what is deemed proper, summer or no. Jaskier will never understand what keeps Geralt going, and how he is still alive clad in all that leather.

Not that he complains, mind you, that behind wrapped in leather like a gift is a sight to behold no matter the weather conditions, but he would never be able to walk around like that himself.

The road leads them from between the rolling hills and up on a small height. Roach doesn’t stop, the soft sound of her hooves hitting the gravel making a steady rhythm to organize his thoughts around. But finally something distracts Jaskier and his boiling brain.

On the soft slope of the hill they are standing on a wide field stretches out. The high grass is speckled with colours, like tiny stars growing out of the ground. It is beautiful.

Jaskier has to stop and just take it all in. To just take a moment, take a breath and take it in. He might stand there a bit too long, because the rhythm of hooves stops and Geralt turns to look at him. Jaskier snaps himself out of it, and he means to catch up with them, he really does. But his eyes keep straying to the field of flowers and he finds himself drawn to it.

So Jaskier gives in. He knows it’s a bad idea, his nose always starts dripping and his eyes get swollen and itchy. But Jaskier loves bad ideas. That’s how all his masterpieces are written after all. So he puts his lute down carefully on the road, pushes his sweaty hair from his face and throws himself into the field with a squeal.

He runs straight out into it, down the slope with his arms outstretched. The grass reaches up to his knees and tangles with his legs and he goes down, falling into it willingly. “Jaskier!” comes from behind him and he can hear Geralt dismount. Jaskier pays the witcher no mind, propping himself up on his elbows like a kid and bends the nearest flower to his nose. If he is going to spend the rest of the day sniffling he might as well make it worth it. The smell is sweet and he can feel a smile stretch across his lips. “Jaskier!” Geralt calls out again, hurrying up behind him and pulling him up to a sitting position. As predicted, Jaskiers eyes are already itching and his nose is starting to do its thing. 

Still smiling, still with Geralt's hands on his shoulders, Jaskier looks at this wonderful man, kneeling with him in a field of growing stars. It’s a very nice feeling.

“Yes, my dear witcher?” He says, not understanding at all why Geralt looks so worried.

“Are you alright? Are you hurt?” Geralt asks, frowning slightly at Jaskiers loopy expression. 

“It is very warm, but yes.” Geralt's eyes widen in alarm when Jaskier turns his head and sneezes loudly. “And these flowers are trying to kill me, but other than that I am perfectly fine.”

Jaskier regrets his choice of words immediately as Geralt janks him up and drags him over to Roach.

“I knew it.” Geralt mumbles as he starts digging in his saddle bags. “I knew something was wrong.” “What? No? Nothing is wrong, I should just not have smelled those flowers is all.” This doesn’t help at all and Geralt searches even more frantically in the bags.

“Poisonous. They are poisonous, nobody just falls down from running in the grass. Fuck where are they?!”

“They were poisonous?! Meliteles tits Geralt, why didn’t you stop me?! Am I going to die?!” The heat is suddenly overbearing, his sniffles and sweating worrying, heart racing towards his doom. “I don’t know Jaskier but your eyes are swelling up and you are sweating and that is not normal.” Geralt says through gritted teeth and wait, hang on. It finally clicks for Jaskier.

“Oh Geralt.” He chuckles, a hand on the witchers arm to turn him. “Im fine!” He says again, trying to smile comfortingly. But his eyes itch so much so he reaches up a hand to rub it, and his nose refuses to stay dry. Geralt just gives him an incredulous look. “It’s true, it’s just the allergies.” As if to prove his point, another sneeze forces his way out and his eyes tears up from the force of it. “See? Not dying.” He says, voice strained as he wipes away snot and tears and sweat. Geralt is entirely unconvinced.

“I promise you, I am not dying. Not from this anyway. And you can’t tell me sweating is not normal when it feels like we are walking on the inside of a fire elemental's arse crack. But prettier.” Seriously, how is Geralt stil standing up in this heat with leather and armor? His brain must be boiled into mush too, because Geralt reaches up and places his hand on Jaskiers cheek. His thumb traces the thin skin under Jaskiers itching eyes and there, Jaskiers brain checked out entirely. “Promise?” Geralt says, and it is completely unfair. Jaskier would promise anything if those callused fingers touched his skin.  

“Yes. It’s only allergies.” He assures him again, but he is not so sure anymore. He is definitely feeling a little faint. But to prove it, he takes Geralt's other hand and places it over his speeding heart, as if that would clear things up. The boiled brain has checked out and thus the reasoning is somewhat flawed. Geralt's fingers splay over his heart, Jaskiers hand circling around his wrist to keep him in place. The witcher's eyes are trained on his chest, a new rhythm taking the place of roaches hooves. An uneven, desperate and lovesick rhythm, but not a dying one. Not this time. Then their eyes meet again, and Jaskier pulls in a breath through his open mouth (his nose is too busy being allergic).

Then Geralt chuckles and all gods above Jaskier want to kiss him.

“You’re a mess” Geralt smirks and lets his hands fall to his sides. Jaskier has to stand there for a moment, once again taking it all in with all the limitations a boiled and absent brain brings. He is indeed a mess, inside and out. A third sneeze explode from him, snot flying, eyes reluctant to open again.

Geralt strolls back up the hill and picks up Jaskiers lute, putting it on his back after strapping his swords to the saddle. “Up.” Is all Geralt says and motions for Jaskier to climb up Roachs back. Jaskier is sceptical. That never went well before.

“Why?” he asks, eyes squinting and darting between the two. “I'm not dying?”

“So may be, but we will never get to the next town in time for the contract if you are insisting on falling into a field of flowers every few minutes.” And sure, Geralt has a point. He climbs up with some assistance and then takes out his handkerchief to wipe his nose.

“Still not dying.” He complains.

“I remain unconvinced.” Geralt smirks up at him and grabs Roachs reins and leads them onwards. They start making their way onwards, Jaskier only being allowed to sit there. No more bad decisions for Jaskier today, for surely the next thing he would do is fling himself into his witchers arms.

Which, hey, is not a bad idea at all!

Gale Reviews: Cobra Kai Seasons 1 +2

(Thanks @knightsweeties​)

So I should mention that I love 80′s movies. And one of my favorite movies of all time is the cliché OG Karate Kid.

With the best mentor character of all time in movies, Mr. Miyagi.

So when Youtube announced a sequel series based off of that iconic movie with the RIVAL being the main character. You bet I was ready to watch it... until I found out you had to pay for it on Youtube red. So naturally I waited until it was Netflix. Then I finally had a chance to watch it (legally)

So now that I have watched the series in its entirety. I have some thoughts on it.

Which you can read below (spoiler warning if you haven't seen the series. I recommend having a watch)

The Plot.

I will say that Season 1 and Season 2 have entirely different feels to them.

To put it briefly

Season 1 takes place with Johnny Lawrence, a guy in his 50′s hitting rock bottom, living paycheck to paycheck as a repair guy, and still stuck in the past.

Everything changes when he ends up inadvertently saving a kid, Miguel. from some bullies using his Cobra Kai karate.

Johnny realizes that he still has a passion for karate, and wants to bring back Cobra Kai, but without the psycho of a teacher involved.

So Johnny becomes the sensei of Miguel and the two’s dynamic is like that of Miyagi and Daniel (the original master and student of Karate kid) but with some hilarious contrasts and snaps that make fun of the movie in a fun way. In a way, the season starts off like Karate kid, but keeps changing one’s expectations of characters.

It even has the last episode ending with a final bout between Johnny’s student Miguel and Daniel (the original Karate kid’s) Pupil, Robby (who also happens to be Johnny’s own son). So the tension between the two are high.

Season 2 takes place AFTER the All valley tournament and Cobra kai is rising. Now with the inclusion of a man long assumed dead coming back, Daniel now trying to get Miyagi do as a real dojo to compete against Cobra kai. Tension starts to build and it seems like a war is brewing, the events culminating in a legit all out brawl on the First day back at school, with an ending that really makes me want a season two.

Season 1 is about preconceptions. Johnny and Daniel’s actions are based on their own preconceived notions, People let the past dictate how things are when that isn't the truth. Daniel automatically assume’s Johnny is up to no good because of his personal dealings with Cobra kai, and Johnny believe’s Daniel is at fault for everything awful that has happened to him, thus resulting in each of them indirectly attacking one another intentionally or unintentionally. They even try to reconcile only for Johnny to find out Daniel was training his son in karate, which Daniel actually didn't know was his kid, but this broke any trust the other have.

Season 2 is about Perspective, Almost everyone acts based on their own views on how things went down in their head. Everyone takes these perspectives as facts and there is no way the other person can be right, until a third party gets involved. And just like in the first season, Johnny and Daniel almost reconcile again, only to their views blinding them to the truth.

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The characters:

I think I will just list off the main ones with their own arcs in the show and tell you all my thoughts on each of them.

Johnny Lawrence: Johnny is best described as a man stuck in the past, both technologically and mentally. He is a jerk, and considering his a**hole step dad and the psycho Karate teacher Kreese, he didn't have good role models on how to be a man. He pretty much screwed up his chances of being a dad to his biological son Robby, and spent half his life drunk and the other half depressed and angry. The day he saved Miguel and reformed Cobra Kai was the day that helped him start turning things around. Miguel became the student that helped bring him back into the modern day, helping him recruit students to his dojo, and even helping him deal with his hang ups regarding his failures with his son robby. Johnny is by no means perfect, but he is trying to be a better person. He is kind of like that out of touch uncle that is ignorant of a lot of things but is slowly getting used to it. He is tough, but he cares. Honestly the best adult character in the series with how hard he tries to actually be better but life just keeps kicking him down.

Miguel Diaz: a young boy who Johnny has been teaching to fight. At the start of the show, he had ZERO confidence, and felt like a nobody new kid in a town. Learning Karate helped give Miguel confidence and allowed him to stand up to the bullies that messed with him. Miguel is a good kid, in fact, he is my favorite Character in the series. In season 1, he was awkward, and unsure of himself. But as the first season went on, he managed to ask out the girl he liked, and even made good friends. Though Miguel started to pick up a lot of similar habits to Johnny from the original Karate kid, albeit directly and indirectly from his sensei. But season 2 quickly shows Johnny doing everything to make sure that doesn't happen. Miguel becomes the most civil of Cobra kai, becoming a more refined fighter and even a better person then any of the other students in either dojo. Thus making the end of season 2 so much more tragic and not even his fault.

Daniel LaRusso: The original Karate kid. A car dealership owner, and family man. He was living his best life, lovely wife, two good kids, and just enjoying every minute of it, until Cobra Kai came back. We get to see a lot of Daniel from Johnny’s perspective and the reveal is, he was just as much of a jerk as Johnny was back in the day. Even kind of a stuck up a**hole that tries to destroy Cobra kai through underhanded methods like having the landowner raise the rent, or stopping him from entering the All valley tournament. It isn't until he starts training Robby that Daniel starts to act like the man that we expect the main character of Karate Kid to act like.

Amanda LaRusso: Daniel's wife, She is great. She also has the most braincells out of everyone. She calls Daniel out on his crap and without her Daniel probably wouldn't be as good of a character as he is.

Robby Keene: Johnny's street-smart son and Daniel’s karate protege. At the start of the series, Robby is a bad kid, skipping school, drugs, stealing, and running with a bad group of kids. Robby really didn't care about his life choices or his loser father. He did however care about his mother, who was busy trying to have her own fun and neglecting him. it wasn't until he started learning Karate from Daniel, (originally working at the dealership to Spite his dad) did he start to turn things around. Robby hid the fact that he was Johnny’s kid from the LaRusso family and the developments in the first season resulted in a dramatic irony. In season two, his interest in Samantha (Sam), started to cause problems especially near the end of season 2. Robby is also another complex character and he is an amazing Parallel to Miguel. Robby keeps wanting the things that Miguel seemed to get, and always seemed to fall short, much like Daniel and Johnny’s rivalry in the original Karate kid. This has Robby holding back information that he does come clean about later.

Samantha LaRusso: Daniel's daughter. The most experienced Martial artist of the teens since she grew up with it. She is much like the love interest in the series in season 1 and becomes more of her own character in season 2.

Okay, so I am going to flat out say this. She is an awful person. Like at first, she ditches her friend to hang out with the popular crowd, lies to her parents about a hit and run, hides the fact that she is dating Miguel from her parents because his is Cobra Kai. I can forgive some of the things as an honest mistake, and in season 1 I can even look past some of them, since she does do the right thing about standing up to Kyler over his BS But the OTHER STUFF?

Sneaking around with Robby who is living in her house at the time because of a family situation which is a MASSIVE betrayal of trust. Accuses Tory of stealing from her mom, attacks Tory at the roller rank over a shove, ignores Miguel’s apologies and actions to at least try and clear the air only to KISS him when he is in a relationship with another girl. The list goes on. Now context matters, and then there is the whole  situation in episode 9. Now Miguel was drunk and trying to fight robby, (like an idiot who thinks a guy is trying to steal his gf) and it resulted in Sam getting hit, which Miguel was mortified that it happened. But a lot of people are divided on whose fault it is, I really think Miguel shouldn't be throwing punches so in that regard, he was in the wrong. Now unrelated, Sam was in the wrong in pretty much every other situation she was in.

Aisha Robinson: The second student of cobra kai, that went from an insecure nerd to a legit sassy confident bada**. Giving one of the stuck up popular girls the greatest karmic punishment. She is tough and knows her own worth. She is also another voice of reason character in season two.

Eli "Hawk" Moskowitz : And the award for most changed character is Hawk. A quiet kid with a scar from a cleft lip surgery left him the target of vicious bullying. Dimetri was his only friend, until he ‘Flipped the Script.’ Gets a mohawk and a back tattoo after embracing Cobra Kai. He becomes a legit bada**. As the season goes on, he does become more and more Aggro, his confidence now coming off more as arrogance and lashing out. By season 2, he starts taking lessons from Kreese and when his mohawk went Red, the old good Eli was dead. He is the prime example of how dangerous Cobra kai can be when one has bad guidance. Blue Hawk, fun, cool, still figuring out how to be a bada**. Red Hawk, irredeemable prick

Demetri: sarcastic and Neurotic, he saw things in the worst light, a natural whiner that really began his road to development in season 2, his friendship turned bitter rivalry is quite fascinating. Though the GOT references did not age well.

Tory Nichols: Certifiable Bad girl. She joins Cobra Kai and she is easily one of the most interesting characters in the show. She becomes Aisha’s new best friend and immediately butts heads with Sam. She ends up dating Miguel and Sam’s actions result in Tory declaring war on the daughter of Larusso. She is the catalyst of a lot of developments.

John Kreese: The sensei of Johnny, there is a LOT of beef between the two, but Johnny actually saw how broken of a man Kreese was and tried to help him despite their rough past. But Kreese only had one thing on his mind, revenge. The show actually shows how much more conniving and cruel Kreese is, even more then the movie. Kreese has been in wait a LONG time and he wants to crush Miyagi do once and for all.

____________________________

The Action and Acting.

I will say the acting on the part of the characters is pretty good. The dialogue can be a touch hammy at times, but when it involves Johnny, you can tell its genuine. All the characters in the original Karate kid movie really show how connected they are despite it being over 30 years.

The fighting Choreography is also fun and gets even better in season 2.

My favorite fights being Miguel vs Kyler and the boys In Season one episode 5, Miguel vs Robby  Season 1 episode 10, and  Season 2 episode 10 the school brawl.

Honorable mention is the Bar fight in season 2 with the older cobra kai alums.

_________________________________________

Overall:

The show can be a bit much for some people, its crass and its more teens and adults audience, but I highly recommend watching if a fan of Karate kid, or just want something interesting to watch.

I give it a solid 8/10 and I look forward to seeing season 3.

The Owl House, Season 1, Episode 11, “Sense and Insensitivity,” First Impressions!

Oh ho ho, now this? This I have lots to say about!

Y’know, there’s some irony in this, in that here I am, reviewing an episode about the writing process and dealing with deadlines and a time crunch, when my whole day has been all about deadlines and I am literally writing this review as part of a time crunch!

Okay, B-plot! Eda and Lilith go for the same prize, sibling rivalry, it turns out to be scam, they work together, mutual understanding, more emperor buildup, there’s some connection and affection, yadda yadda yadda, you know what this is all about.

All right, now onto the GOOD stuff!

Sooner or later, nearly every writer succumbs to the temptation to go all Stephen King and writer a story about being a writer, and this definitely was that. And it had me CACKLING!

So hey, let’s talking about the writing process.

See, while the standard view of the diligent writer is what was presented in the show (board of notes that looks like something out of a conspiracy theorist’s house and an old-fashioned typewriter), the fact is that it’s very different for everyone. For me, I’ve tried the note-taking thing, and it just doesn’t work for me. Every time I try to write out an outline or deliberately plan out my plot ahead of time, it...doesn’t work out right. It’s been a long time since I’ve made use of any kind of notebook, and I’ve never used a note-board.

But other people rely on them, and that’s okay! We all have our methods. Some plan things out meticulously ahead of time, others wing it as they go, others sort of split the difference.

I’m one of the latter. What I like to do is daydream a handful of big moments and sort of work out how to get there as I go along. I’ve often compared it to taking a road trip: you know all the stops you’re going to hit, you have a vague idea of how to get there, but the actual journey is an adventure, and there are just some things you can’t plan for, things you never see coming and just sort of occur to you as you’re writing. Sometimes they make the story better, sometimes it doesn’t turn out so well, but in the end it’s all part of the adventure. Neil Gaiman has often described the first draft as being where you sort of stick all your ideas together, both of the ones you’ve planned out and the ones that just sort of come to you, and in the second draft you make it look like you knew what you were doing all along.

Also, the bit about Luz and King having completely opposite ideas of what the story should be but somehow having this great chemistry even though they kept fighting? That’s also true. Sometimes two collaborators will not get along, but just something about them brings out the best in each other. The hosts of Myth Busters weren’t friends who really didn’t get along, but they still brought out the best in each other through their clashes. John Lennon and Paul McCartney fought all the time but still wrote some of the greatest songs of all time together, and yet their solo careers, while by no means bad and did have some great stuff, aren’t as popular as the stuff they wrote in the Beatles. By the same token, Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett got along great but still had that same chemistry, and Good Omens is one of the most popular things either man ever wrote. Just by trying to adapt to your co-writer’s style and having them try to adapt to yours can bring out things that you never even knew you had.

Also, I was giggling about how Luz wanted to write mushy shipping fluff while King wanted violence and mayhem. Like, hello the two braincells who run my entire creative process. So that’s what it looks like.

But it’s not all fun and games. The whole bit about how King went from a nobody, to the toast of the town, only to get discarded is also true. I mean it was highly exaggerated, but it happens. Hell, it’s happened to me. IM and RD both used to get around sixteen reviews per chapter and were talked about everywhere, now they get a mere fraction of the attention. That’s part of the reason why I’ve been expanding out into original fiction, to try to regain some of that momentum. Getting forgotten sucks. Not having your hard work appreciated like it used to be sucks. I know it’s just part of the beast, but it still sucks.

Also, John De Plume looks like Markiplier cosplaying as Gustaf from The Hollow, just sayin’.

And then we get to the end, in which Luz and King are threatened by a literal time crunch. You know, we writers hate deadlines, and often are very stressed out by them. But funnily enough, as annoying and stressful as they are, you also learn to kind of love them. Like, sure, it’s giving you a headache and no fun, but you miss them when you don’t have them, and you have to admit, they do help. 

So basically if a lizard agent came up to me with one of those contract...I’d probably sign. Just sayin’.

Okay, so, from what I’ve picked up, the plot starts moving next episode. Looking forward to it!

Hi! I wanted to ask for a match-up from Jojo and Assassinplease! Im 18 y/o gurl, bisexual, about 170cm tall with overweight. I really like to draw and write about very random stuff. Maybe not hard otaku but still fan of anime! In my free time I like to talk with my friends while playing games or drawing, watching silly stuff on the internet. With S/O I'm like them to be patient with my switching behaviour from really sad to goofy or angry, someone affectionate and with sense of humor. Thank you!

Sorry for the wait, darling! I literally have 3 exams one after the other from tomorrow on, and of course, I got too fed up with studying so I’m doing something more...Productive~!

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JOJO’S BIZARRE ADVENTURE

I ship you with...

HIGASHIKATA JOSUKE

Okay so, when I first watched part 4, I literally was during my exam session, I had a high fever that lasted about 2 weeks, I was mega stressed and I literally binged 100 episodes of JoJo in less than 5 days, and compared to the first 3 parts, DIU seemed to me like such a goddamn easy going and chill troll part, after so much angst from before.

But hear me out - 

After I re-watched it again, as I wrote my Josuke story, I realised that - He’s actually such an adorable and charming boy and I judged him too harshly because of the chill plot and weird art-style.

As soon as I read your description, Josuke came into my mind, and I think he’d be perfect for you! ( Also, I think you mentioned not reading the manga, so I didn’t want to spoil, so I didn’t think of anyone from parts 6-8 <3 )

So, now that I got that out of the question, let me tell you this-

This boy is very vocal about how he’s only interested in meeting the love of his life, so he doesn’t care what you look like, he only cares what’s on the inside, he cares about your heart, about your kindness, about your sense of humour, and I’m pretty sure there’s nobody more affectionate in such a cute and innocent way like he is!

He’s already a gamer, so he’d love to play games with you, not even having to get competitive, just super chill and fun, and while at it, he’d love to cuddle with you and eat snacks in bed, covered by a blanket, while watching some anime or movie/tv series that you like, and when you’re done binging, he’s going to chat SO much with you about it, about his opinions, about characters, developments, choices, cliffhangers and so on.

Josuke is the type to shower you with compliments and kisses all over the face, whether you need reassurance about your looks or not, he is just that loving and feels the need to both show and tell you how much he cares about you.

He has an amazing sense of humour and he’s prone to laughing easily, so if you like someone funny and goofy, who’s also a pranksters and can get mischievous, you’ve got your guy - And he may or may not ask you to film him while he pranks Rohan or something.

In modern times, I think he’d be a viner or something, because he’d love to watch funny things on the internet with you, but he’s also friends with Okuyasu and Koichi, and he has Rohan hating him, so in such a little town like Morioh, you bet this 1-Braincell Trio would get internet-famous with their silly shenanigans.

Josuke is extremely patient and understanding, especially since he has his anger-issues problem regarding hair insults, and would appreciate you being by his side and supporting him, he would turn that back at you tenfold, as he needs to show you how much he treasures you, and no behaviour switch is going to keep him from loving and caring about you.

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ASSASSINS CREED

I ship you with...

JACOB FRYE

He may seem like a smug bastard and a casanova jerk, but in all actuality, he fails at being a womanizer, and ends up being a goofy fool who makes you laugh with his antics, which, in a way, is definitely a win for him, even if his flirting attempts failed.

Jacob, in modern times, would definitely be the kind of guy to binge-watch TV series, like Peaky Blinders for example, but if you’d like to watch some anime with him, I bet he’d like Gangsta - Like, I can’t not imagine him trying to be as smooth as Worick, but failing badly.

I think he’d be a lot into fighting games, like Street Fighters or Mortal Kombat, and may be prone to getting a tiiiiiny winy bit competitive, but he has no ill-intention, he’s just silly and whiney. 

If he loses, he’d whine, pout, and throw his arms around you, telling you that the game is dumb or rigged, but if he wins, he’s gonna boast and do a little victory dance, then kiss you and tell you you’re the lucky Queen of a badass Gamer King.

Even if he won 1 out of 100.

You bet he’s gonna be the first to film himself when he gets into fights with the Blighters, kissing you after every win...And of course, wanting you to patch him up, but hey, he’s internet famous now, and you can laugh about him whenever you see him!

Despite not showing his love and caring in traditional ways, it’s obvious that he cherishes you dearly, and would make sure to give you his hat if it rains, his coat if it’s cold, would put the blanket over you if you fell asleep without it, would get you in bed, if you fell asleep on the couch, would make sure that you ate, that you slept enough, and overall, taking care of yourself, ‘cause if you don’t, even if he’s a huge baby, he’ll take care of you, whether you like it or not.

Jacob is one of the chillest people in the world, so if he loves you, he loves you, and got used to any little quirk that you might have, no matter what it is, or if it bothers you, or think that it bothers him - He’d be quick to reassure you and tell you that no, you’re not bothering him, he doesn’t need to have patience with you, ‘cause there’s nothing wrong with you, and he loves you no matter what.

Here there be a fic, birthed by my anger and sheer indignation at Beemov’s newest cash grab (1,200$ for a game of, if looked at through the lens of the price, really lacking quality) featuring power imbalance, emotional manipulation, and threats of bodily harm and death all aimed at the poot wallflower MC who can do nothing but take it as six vampires illegally squat at her house and don’t give jack shit about common decency.

Ergo, I pour all my salt into this found family fic with, hopefully, a much more plausible setting for potential situation.

Vampire Daycare: Summary

After long last, Eloise has decided to return to her family home, a manor in the woods that she inherited from her long-since-deceased parents. However, what was meant to be a slow vacation and research in the place full of childhood memories jumped straight out of the window, when Eloise came face to face with six men who have been illegally squatting on her property for what seems like years.

Eloise would have thrown them out, absolutely. Any normal person would. But then, her old teacher came around, all smug and secretive, and offered the squatters a deal; their rent will be paid off, all of backlog and year into the future both. For a favor, of course.

And now Eloise is stuck running a kindergarten for six vampires high on power, with the only other remotely intelligent person in the household outside of her being her pet goat.

Wonderful.

Warning: This fic has not been proofread.

Prologue

Eloise Kerrigan returns to her childhood home to find it already populated, without her knowledge, and without her consent.

She is not amused.

(She’s also a miser with a moral compass, and that saves six lives.)

~(0)~

The air was crisp and fresh as Eloise walked through the forest, relishing in the calmness of forest after dark. She has arrived in the town earlier that day and, after a brief bout of tourism, turned towards her destination—the Kerrigan Estate. She grew up in that place, and despite the fact that she took a long sabbatical shortly after her parents death and hasn’t visited it once, she yearned to return to her childhood home. She didn’t worry about the dilapidation, there were measures set in place to prevent that.

She enjoyed the cold autumn evening in the forest that many would find creepy, surrounded by whispering of the wind and an odd hoot from an owl. It was tranquil, natural, and relaxing. The leaves, crisp with cold, crunched under her boots, and her knitted woolen scarf protected her easily from an odd bout of wind between the trees.

Odd as it would seem for a bystander, she didn’t have any luggage with her, save for a small handbag. Eloise didn’t find it odd at all, and there were no bystanders in the forest.

She took a deep breath as the trees began to thin, heralding a clearing upon which she knew Kerrigan Estate was built hundreds of years ago my her many-times-great-grandparents. He played in these woods a lot as a child, and they hadn’t changed much, despite the time that has passed. Whether it was the nature of the house itself or the respect the nature had for the house, she wasn’t sure, but didn’t complain.

Last few steps, last few turns-

There it was, in all its Victorian glory, overgrown with ivy, a house exactly like the one in child-Eloise’s memories. She almost choked.

God, it was so long.

She sighed, hastening her steps, to make it there quicker, up the familiar narrow pavement, up the loose cobblestone stairs, through the squeaking black gate that nobody has ever bothered to oil properly as long as it stood, forward between father’s brown roses, through the oaken with a worn-out, brass wolf knocker—

Eloise stopped the second she stepped inside. She closed her eyes, took a breath, instantly on alert, searching for—something.

Something was wrong. She knew this house intimately, could almost hear it speak to her, and something was wrong—

Oh. There, Eloise, in the library, a presence, and another, upstairs, and then in the attic, and—

She reached her senses out farther and farther into the bowels of the house, past the hidden trapdoor child-Eloise wasn’t allowed down, searching for the wardstone she knew was there, she knew should have been there—only to find it missing. An oddest thing, because the only time she’s ever been allowed down that trapdoor was with her mother to calibrate and place the stone. She saw it placed, helped place it, and now it was gone.

And the only other person allowed to enter the Manor was her teacher, who was also a smug bitch with agenda nobody understood. Which explained everything, Eloise supposed, because if there was someone that was an asshole enough to let strays invade Eloise’s ancestral home, it was without a doubt Baba.

There was a murmur of a presence on the ground floor with her, and in the library, and upstairs, and more. She counted six, thrumming in a very distinctly not-human way. Wonderful. She pushes that problem into the back of her mind—it can wait a few minutes. Instead, she turns to the stairs and up, fourth step sings under her feet, and she can’t help but step on it again giddily, seventh croaks and she winces, because she always forgot that one.

The rooms were exactly where she remembered them being, in the exact same floor plan she could navigate with closed eyes as a child. It’s been years, but maybe she could still. The doors, she was pleased to find, were the same beveled and sculpted oaken slabs. The rooms behind them, however, Eloise wasn’t certain of. For now, she’d have to hope that the vermin currently infesting her house has not damaged her ancestral home—the whole building was an antique in a way, and restoration would be a pain.

It was her grandmama’s legacy after all, dating all the way back to early 1800s. If something was changed, Eloise could just rally antique conservationists and they would, in their righteous rage, fix everything right back up.

But that’s neither here nor there. Yet.

If the old journals of her parents—particularly her father’s research notes, because those weren’t put in the basement—were lost, Eloise would be particularly unhappy, however. What she remembered of her father painted him as an alchemical genius, and everyone always told her she inherited his talents. Now that she learned all she could on her own, his notes would aid her greatly.

As Eloise calmly strolled through the hallway, a shiver ran down her spine.

Ah, it would seem they crawled out.

Eloise headed downstairs, slowly, down the creaking step and the singing step, until she reached the main hall. Sure enough, a man was there, tall, with a mane of wavy dark-purple hair, and wearing nothing but a white pajama.

Oi, oi, ain’t ye gettin’ a wee bit fookin’ cozy in me house?

“Hey, who are you?” he asks, and Eloise blinks at the audacity of him. He disregards her, though, calling out; “Vladimir, some chick’s walking down the main staircase!”

Eloise could feel the vein pop throughout the entire length of the right side of her neck and cheek. Don’t blow them up, she thought to herself over and over again, it’s not worth it.

Another one comes out of where Eloise is fairly certain she remembers library being, this time in golden out-of-date smock and an blindfold across his eyes.

“You could show a bit of respect!” he scolds the pajama-clad asshole, and Eloise silently thanks the heavens that at least one of them seems to have some working braincells that did not undergo necrosis. “I can understand why she’s hiding. You must have scared her. Please don’t run off, young lady…”

Or not.

A'm standin richt fookin ‘ere ye arsehole.

Ah, slipping into thick Scottish now, as always, with anger. She didn’t doubt that if she started speaking now, she’d also use proper Scottish slang that she could bet money the quasi-immortal bloodsuckers would have trouble understanding.

Oh, papa, papa, why did you teach me to cuss in Scots.

Eloise gently massages her temples with one hand, supporting herself with the other on the railing, letting the vampires bicker. Another one emerges, this time a willowy-looking blonde in Victorian suit. This must be Vladimir, Eloise concludes, from how he scolds the pajama-clad moron, who she learns is named Beliath. She lets them bicker—not the first time someone wandered into the manor and isn’t that the red flag—as they seem to completely ignore her. Eloise lets them, more interested in listening to the bloodsuckers literally infesting her mansion before kicking them out.

Because she was going to. Current residents or not, they’re illegal squatters and she doubts they’re even registered with the local Committee branch, which is an absolute must with Class A Dangerous Creatures living this close to a populated town. Eloise hopes she can do away without actually killing them, too—which she should do, if they’re unregistered, despite her strong dislike of destroying creatures with cognitive ability.

However limited said cognitive capability wouldn’t appear to be.

And then Vladimir calls her an intruder, and Eloise barks out a sharp bout of laughter, loud enough to return their attention to her.

“Funny, how things are,” she says, voice amused but with an edge to it, “that you’d have a gall to call me an intruder.”

“Pardon?” the blonde—Vladimir, but should she even bother remembering?—asks.

“Let’s start with introductions then, shall we? I’ll even go first—my name is Eloise Kerrigan, your landlord, apparently, though not by my choice nor with my prior knowledge, and I’d like to know one thing; where the fuck is my money, you useless squatters?”

They look at her dumbly for a moment, while Eloise just stands there, arms crossed on her chest and her best ‘I’m better than you and disappointed’ face on. The pajama-clad moron snorts, and moves to speak, but she cuts him off before he even can.

“Now, I don’t quite need you to introduce yourselves. I won’t even remember your names, I’d assume. After all, you’re all going upstairs now to pack your things and leave, no?”

“Uhhh… No?” the pajama-clad moron says with amusement shining in his eyes. Eloise looks at him, very unamused herself.

“In case you’re even less adapt at thinking than you make it seem, that wasn’t a question,” she says, not bothering to stop an eyeroll. “Now, how many of you are here?”

“Six,” the willowy blonde answers, as if expecting that to somewhat scare her. “Also, you can’t just come in here and tell us to pack out bags, we live here-“

Eloise snaps her fingers instead of answering and, in a flash of flame an outdated-looking scroll appears, and unfurls showcasing a Title Deed, complete with a wax seal and signatures of all previous owners—all Kerrigans before Eloise—and everything else. The thing thrums with magic.

The one in the blindfold must have sensed it, because he gasps.

“You’re a witch,” he says.

“I am. And you are Class A’s trespassing on a Witch’s Dwelling, of which the Title Deed I have just pulled out,” she answers. “Do you know what that means?”

“Raphael?” pajama-clad moron asks, as the willowy blonde frowns.

“It- It means that, even if we were Registered, she has every right to kill us on the spot,” the blindfolded one answers with a grimace.

“And you’re not registered?” she presses on, and he fidgets.

“No,” is the answer that eventually comes, and Eloise wants to bang her head on the wall.

“What the hell?” someone asks from the stairs, and Eloise turns to see a pale, asshole-looking Jack Frost knockoff, followed by a tall, tanned man who looks like he has more sense than just two braincells rubbing off of one another. “What Title Deed? Registered to what? Who are you?”

“Eloise Kerrigan, owner of the house,” she answers flatly. “And you’re unregistered Vampires trespassing a Witch’s Dwelling. In the eyes of law, it’s double death sentence.”

“What the fuck? Nobody ever told me that!” the pale asshole argues.

“It’s the duty of the one who turned you, and not my problem,” Eloise shrugs. “It’s been in effect since Dracula’s uprising in late fourteen-hundreds!”

The tall, tanned man winces. “I think I’m actually registered,” he says carefully. “But I haven’t been in the Office for years now, so-“

“So you didn’t turn in a Plea of Renewal. I suppose you didn’t think to inform them of your change of whereabouts either?”

“We didn’t exactly have a landlord,” he says with a wince. “And none of us owns the house.”

“So you preferred to let your Registration expire and trespass in peace?”

He turns his head away, and it’s answer enough. It would have been very comfortable, indeed, if any and all owners of the house were dead or didn’t claim the property, and even if they did, the vampires probably thought they could easily deal with a human owner.

Only two of them seemed to know what the punishment for trespassing a Witch’s Dwelling—especially one so saturated with magic and tradition, not to mention built on a intersection of ley lines—even was in the first place, and the rest seemed blissfully unaware, or blissfully ignorant, of seemingly all the laws that, despite their ignorance, still dictated whether they were allowed to live or set for extermination.

After Dracula’s Uprising in late 1400s, vampires were put under high scrutiny, and for a good reason. Nobody liked crazy and powerful magical creatures attempting to seize control over the whole world in order to turn it into a feeding ground.

Therefore, Draculean Laws were put in place to vampires’ chagrin and relief of all other occult races, and that was that.

“We had no idea we were trespassing a Witch’s Dwelling,” the blindfolded one says softly and apologetically. The willowy blonde glances at him in surprise, and then turns to Eloise.

“Look, I don’t care for the so-called laws I’ve never heard of-“

“Vladimir!” the tanned one snaps, and the blonde shuts up. “There is much more to the world we live in than you possibly imagine, or care to learn! Just because you all are content to live in a bubble of unawareness, doesn’t mean we’re all ignorant to the laws! We’ve grown complacent, yes, and it’s probably my fault—I should have dragged you all to be registered, even if it would have turned out we were trespassing a place like that. But no, I was content to just live somewhere not far from a city, and—God. There’s just so many laws—I can’t believe I—just how many laws have we broken in our complacent idiocy?” he asks, horrified.

“How do you feed?” Eloise questions.

“I don’t know how that’s even important!” pajama-clad moron rears his ugly head again. “Is nobody going to acknowledge that she knows who we are?”

“Beliath, shut up!” the blindfolded one snaps, more out of panic than actual irritation. “You’re one of the oldest here, you should know what she’s talking about!”

“We bite people and then make them forget,” the tanned one answers her anyway. “We don’t kill, though. We make sure we don’t. We wipe their memories after.”

“So you attack people all willy-nilly and then use internationally banned mind magic to be rid of the evidence?!” Eloise snarls, and he turns his head in shame as her hackles rise up. “Feeding on people without killing them, that you could spin in your favor and get scoot-free off of, but mind magic? Nobody is allowed to use mind magic without a really damn good reason, not just you, you special, fucking, bloodsucking snowflakes! It’s not even Draculean Laws you broke with it, it’s the International Statutory Law!”

By gods, Eloise wanted to rip her hair straight out of her scalp. The ignorance of these bloodsuckers, while blissful up until now to them, was causing a potential mess of incredibly epic proportions. Draculean Laws were one thing, Trespassing of her house was another, she could, maybe, let go of those, but—breaking of International Laws? As a repeated offense?

Could she even, in her right mind, kick them out now? Let them go, and not kill them outright? Or at least bring them to the Office, even if it would have meant even more certain death than by her hands?

She just wanted to curl up and cry, honestly.

Gods fucking damn her bleeding heart and unwillingness to kill, but may it never be mistaken for inability. She wasn’t necessarily unwilling to kill either—just so very tired of it.

“Look, lady, we don’t even know these laws!” the pale asshole argues, and Eloise smothers an urge to throw a lamp at him.

“Ignorantia legis neminem excusat, boy,” is all she has to say in return. “You must have came in here good few years after I went to the Academy, otherwise the residual presence would have kicked the magic into high gear and obliterated you on the spot, since you were uninvited. And since you were able to find this place to begin with, someone must have taken the wards down, and there’s only one person who actually can do that outside of me—what the fuck are you plotting, auntie?” Eloise hisses, looking skyward as if for answers, but all she sees is the tiled Victorian ceiling.

~ k̽́̅́͡i̋̊̒̀͞l̑̂̕l̃̓͠ t̛̒́h͑̔̀͝e̽̃͞m҇̒̽ ~ William hisses straight into her cerebrum, and Eloise closes her eyes, listening to the demonic yet soothing voice of her familiar. ~k̽́̅́͡i̋̊̒̀͞l̑̂̕l̃̓͠ t̛̒́h͑̔̀͝e̽̃͞m҇̒̽ a̒͛͗̂̿͞l҇͛͊͌l̛̈́̈͊͌͐,̓̅̒̊̒͞ ẗ͗̋̆̈́͝h͊̄̂͡è̄̚͠ỳ͐̈́͠ d͊͋͛̚͡e͂̒͛͞ṥ̔̽̕e̓́͛̕ȑ͛͞v̛̅̔e͊͊͌̎̇̕ ì̍͞t҇͒͂̏ â̿̓̕n͐͂̆̀̐͞d̛̽̂̒̐̚ ẏ̏̋͠o͌̈́̈́͡u̓͒̄͠ s҇̈̆͊̈́̚h͛͆̏͋͝o̾͊͞u͌͒̓̀̑͠l͛̑͞d̒̚͡ñ̇̏͠'͛̎̆̔̽͞t̀̿̄̾̔̕ b̈́̄̔̐͡e̎̋̑̕ ḋ̿̎͠ẽ̈́͞a͊̈̏̚͝l̈́̐̒͝i̒̓̒͡n̍͂͂̒͒͝g̊̅͛̾͡ w͛́͆͂͠ǐ̛̋̔t̛̃͋́̀h̀̂͛̆͊͡ t̾̚͡h҇͊̐̚i͑̿͡s͂̇̐̆͠ m͐͌̌͠e̿̔̑͒̂͞ś͒͗̀͗͝s̛͒͆̎̈

~I really should, shouldn’t I?~ she sends back, and gets a humming agreement as her only response.

~t̛͌̅̅͊h҇̓̀̐̀͊e̒̽̽́̏͞ý͊͒͛̕ r҇̆̆̎̀ë́͛͌̈͋͞ḕ̎̕k̛̿̉̉ ỏ̄̀͑͠f͆̎͠ ď̓̕ë́̓̑́͛͡a҇͋̃͗̓̔ṫ̽̒͞h̔̀͞,҇͐̈́̏̊ Ì́͗̐̂͝ d́͐̕ò͐́͋̑͡n̂̒̅̚͠'͑̈̀͊̏͡t̍͊͞ d͆̊̐̌͠ȍ͐͡u͊̅̕b̈́̊̀͠t͊̒̂͡ t̛̽̋̚h̓̅̒͠ē͗͠ẙ͋͐͡ k̒̒͑̕i̎̀͛́͞l̛͗̍̉l̛͗͛̐ĕ̊̀͡d̛̃̓̄̓ b̍͌̅͂͡e̍̕̚f҇́̇͌̎͐ơ̈̓̀̚ȓ̄̄͡e҇̀̂́̔,̉͐͡ ả͒̂̚͞n͆͒̈́̌̓͠d̓̓̕ k̛̂̋͑̄i҇̀̅l̈́̀͋͞l͑̃͞e̒̍͞d̋̅̊͊̉̕ m̈́̒͠a̛̎̅̿̓n̛̎͗͐y҇̄̔.̈́͐͐̕ d͂̾̕ȏ̽̐̈́̓͞ w҇̾͆ơ͐́̈́͑͛r̅͐̇̚͠l͌̔̋̃̕d͆̈̊͡ á̽̆̚͞ f҇͂́̈́a̒̀̀͡v͑̾̑̉͡o҇̆̆̓r̅͂̃̒̈͠,̀̇̀͞ M҇͗̃͛͐̃i̿͒͑͊̑͝s̈͐͑̐̕t̾̔͑͆̕r҇̉̉e̓͌̉̾͆͡š̈́͞s҇̍̂͋̋-̃̅͋̍͞-̓̎͛͠d̛́̋̇́̆ớ́ y҇̎̀o͑͆̓͞ǔ̃̏̃͠r̓̀̒͋͞s̃̓́̾͞ȇ̍͛̕l͆̋͡f͒͑̍̏̃͡ a̛̾̔̔͊̀ f̒̑̇͠a̋̉͊͑͝v̋́̀̋͡o̔̌́̕r̐̂͝.̾̋́́̏͠ I̛͗̔̽͗ s̄̄̒́̄͝h̐͂̀͝ä́̿̒́͝l҇̃̅̚l̓͋͝ d҇̇́̓e̛͒͐̽̈͂v҇̂̇̈̀̚ō̌͡u҇̔̏̇r̆̽̄͒͂͡ t̔̈́͞h̿̈̾̄̕e҇̀̐i̛̍̄͐r̈́̅͒̈́͠ b҇̑̒̌̏̚o҇̎̎͑d̏̂͑͞i̛̊͑͑̉̎e҇͌̊s̾̎̽͝ a҇͗̏̀̒n̂̀͊́͠ď̛̀̃ w͑̑͠e͌̽͊̓̕ w̆̂̓́͡i͊͑̂̿͌͠l̎̿͗͂͒͞l҇̈́̌ f̈͋͆̾͞o̓͌͛̒͞r̽̑͋͠g̑̏͛̒͞e̿̉̽͑͞t̔͆̔͞ o҇͂͆́f́̌̒́͡ t̉̀̐̉͆͝h̛̀̀͒i҇̾̇͗s̃͐̃̄̎͞ i̒͐̑́̽͠n̛͑̀̈́c̈̄̾̏͊͞î́̐͝d̛͋̑̆̓e̾̇̀͡n҇̎̑̍͂t̛̏̀͊͐

~But if it really is Baba Yaga who’s behind this? She’s literally the only person alive I don’t want to piss off. She had to have a reason to let vampires infest our ancestral home, no?~ Eloise asks hopefully, more the world than William.

~B̀͋̈͝ä̛́͒b̛̌́̔͋a͂̉͛̆͝ Ỳ͑͌͡a̾͋̒͠g̽̈́͂̿͡ä̾͋̒͡ w̛̍̒̏̅i͑̆̀͋̚͠l̈́͆͠l̍̈͡ b̏͆̾͝e͂̿̒̕ ȁ̛͐͋m̛̃͊͗u͐̊͌͠s̛̅̌̾e̐̀̆͠d̄̓̐̇̽̕ a͑̾̾͡t҇̿͋ w͛̇̌͞ó̊̑́̕r̓̓̾̊̈́͞s̓̆̌͡t̛͐̑.͐̏̆͠ Ẏ̾͋̓̐͝o̾̄͂͡ú̎̓͞ k̊̓̇̅͡n̽̆̀̂̆͡o҇͗͊̓w̛̆̄́ h̽̎̀͡o̊̃̅͝w͑̂͝ s͂̈́͡h̛͆͊̂̋̉è̛͋ i͗̆̐͛̆̕s҇͋̏,̄̐̒͝ a̛͗̔̓̍̇l̛̄̓̌̔̌l̾͂̚͞ s̛͑͑́m҇͆́ȕ͂̾͞g҇͋̅͋ ȃ́͞ń͋͆̕d̽̃̕ m̄͒͞i͛̄͠g҇͌̎̂͗h̛̊͑͌̐̚t̔̒̆͡y̛͌͑̔̃͌,̆̏̽̕̚̚ a͊̉͡l҇̄̿̌̂̽w̆̇̏̈̚͠à̉̃̊͋̕ỳ̛̊̆̍s̛̆̋̓̈́.̑̿͝ s҇̀͐͗̆̽h̛̉̀̇e̛̓̿ r҇̊̈́͒e҇͐̈̆e̛͗̓̚ḱ̛͆͊s̔̊̚͝ ō̾͡f̎̅̃͞ p̈̑̈͠o͛͆̈̎̅͝w҇̀͛̅͂e̋̓̽̏̅͝r̓̌͞,̓̾͂͝ b́̋̓̀̉͠u҇̔͗̑̊͑t̓͋̓͞ s͒͗͆̎͂͡h̃͌̑͠e͐͗͠ h͊͑͊͝a̋̍̒̽̕r̛̽̂d̆͛̓͝l̽̌͑͞y͂̔̀͠ í̊͒͞ǹ̓͠t́̆̎̑̕̚e҇̀͌̉r҇͌̏f̊͛̓̓͡e̛͊̔̚r̛̈́̆̑e҇͑̚s͂̀̏͐͐͝ n̾̈̚͝ơ̌̉̄̌̿w͆̈̓̎͌͞a̓͊̊̅͡d͗̓͡a҇̑̂͒ŷ̛̾͑ś͌̍͡~ William says, shooting down Eloise’s attempts to still, despite all evidence to the contrary, weasel out of killing the vampires. Then, after a brief moment, he adds: ~Î͗͝ m̎̂͊͋́͝y̛̒̽͆͊̋s̽̐̈͝e͌͑͌̑̄͡l̛̿́f̛͗̍̇̈ t̛̐̐ĥ̇̋͋͋͞i̎͂͗͡n͑̂͌̕k̛̃̋͑̚ s͐̌͞h҇͛͆̑ë́̂̔͞ i͗̍̾̔͡s̛̎͑͋̚ g҇͆̉r̓̊̄̚̚͡o҇̉́̈́̀w̉͐͛̀̋͠i҇̆̎̇͆n͑̌̆̕ǧ̛̾̽̂ s̾͛͊͠e͐͂͒̍̌̕n̾̅͆̕i̅͊͡l̄̔̿̅̽͞e̛̐̀̄̏̀ i͒̏̋͡n̑̀̒͞ h̀̾̀͂͞è̌̉̐̈͠r̔̉̂̀̂͠ o̅̈́̓͂̚͡l̿̈́͠d҇̌̌͌ à̛͗̽͗g҇́̍͐e͋̓͝

Eloise can’t help a snort at that offhand comment. There are, after all, very few people who have guts to actually call Baba Yaga out on how they see her, and Eloise usually isn’t one of them, maybe due to power difference, or maybe due to familial connection. Her familiar, however, has no such qualms.

“What’s so funny?” the pale asshole asks from where the tanned guy was quickly bringing them up to speed on all the laws they have broken and any and all punishments potentially awaiting them.

“Nothing, just the voices in my head,” Eloise answers. “They’re the only intelligent conversation partner in this house, after all.”

William snorts.

“I don’t understand why we can’t just get rid of her!” the pajama-clad moron asks in agitation, and both the blindfolded one and the tanned one look like they want to rip his head off.

“Oh, I don’t know?” Eloise asks. “Maybe because I’m rather well-known in my circles, and it would raise many eyebrows should I disappear? Because all my friends and superiors know exactly where I had gone? Because I’m to call some of them soon, or else I have been threatened with a surprise visit before I can settle down? The list goes on, and none of the option ends well for you.”

“Oh quit the big-talk!” the moron snaps, and makes a move to throw himself at her, despite the tanned one’s warning shout—

William bursts from Eloise’s shadow in a flash of hell-red flames and impales the vampire on his wicked horns. He misses all the vital spots, merely skewering him through the shoulder-blades, muscle, tendon and bone, but it drives the message home, seeing as the rest rear back in shock at the sight of the half-demonic, half-undead goat with four wicked horns.

“And there’s also William,” Eloise says in amusement as the moron winces and all but hangs on the Bakhrahell’s horns in attempt to not to agitate the wound too much, the blood seeping into his white shirt and slowly trickling down William’s upper horns.

“What is this thing?!” the pale asshole shrieks, backing up the stairs, as if it would help him if the Bakhrahell decided to go against him next. The other three tense and also back up.

“This is William, my familiar,” Eloise explains calmly. “I apologize for not being a typical witch with a cat, but demonic battle-goat suits me more.”

“y̛͌̀̉ṑ̑̏͡ũ̾̚͞ w̓̈͒̀̈́͠i͋̾̏̉͝l҇̌͌l҇̉̈̈̚ n̑̌̋̇̉͡o͐̀̽́͡t͐͌̈̄͝ h̑̽͋̐̏͠ä̛́͐͌r͐̅͞m̃̔͝ M̓͊͛́͝i̛̋͒̂̚s̈́̿̏͡t̉̐͞r͛̑͐͞e͐͆̚͞ṡ̊͡ṡ͌̈́̓͞,̀́̀͡ v͂̓͝e͒̀̓͂̚͞r͌̃̄̄̚͞m͊̂̉̋̕ĭ̋͆̑̕ń̀̏͛̈́͝,” William snarls in synthetically echoing, demonic voice, before lurching forward and knocking the moron back, and sliding his horns out of vampire’s shoulders. He gives the remaining vampires a very unimpressed look. “f҇͂̉͐́̐ơ̎͂͒r͂̓͗̾̓̕ t͗̀͒̒̕h̔̊͡é̒̔́͠ r҇̈̊̑͒ë́̌̃̋̽͠c͐̽̇̀͠o͌̄̿͊͞r҇̈̇̍̍d҇̃̊̈́,̆͛̔͠ I͋́̈̀͝'̈͆͂̕m̊́̐̄͌͠ v̒̿̓͆̊͠ë́̂̓̕ṙ͒̕ẙ͂͞ m̄̀̀͝ú̃̐̿͑͠c҇͛̇͛̈́h҇͊̈͆ i̇̏̀̅͞ň̎͋̕ f͒́͌͡a͒͆̅̑̚͝v͌̒͗̇̕o҇͒̄r͗̐͝ o͒̿͡f҇̃͆ k҇͒͂̃͂̐ì͛͠l̀͐͝l͐͂͠i͆̽͠n͒͐̀̎̀͞g͑̿͡ a͆̅͞l̛̽̍̃l̀̄͠ o҇̐̅̈̍f͊͒͊̑̕̚ ỷ̍̎̎͆͞o͌͑̐͂̚͠u̔̒̾̓͝.҇̏̈́̅ Ĭ̃͋͞ h҇̾͂̿a͋̿͛͡v҇͊̓͗̄ë́̿̏̔͠n̛̂͋̍'̛̄͑͂t̽̎̉̚͞ e̛̾̓ȃ̋̆̿͂͡ẗ́̽̄̓͛͞e҇͒̃̔n̒̿̎̄͠ à͒͞ v͒̂͝a̓̊̕m̽̽̌͠p͌̾͆̓̀͡i͗̈̅͝r̅̌͋͞ē̒̎͠ i̛̓̋̏̒̊n̔̊̏͐͞ q̅̓͒̕ŭ̀̈̒́͞i҇͗̋̀ť̆̄́͡e҇̈̓̓̉ s̍͑̀̐͠ȯ̌͌͞m̏͒͐̓͞ě̃͡ t҇̆͑ī̛̉̈́̔̾m̛̐͐̇̍e̊͐̄͒̐͠,̐́̏͞ a͊͌̂̓͞f̌̒̄̊̏͞t҇̓͋è͋̍͠ř̛̂̐ à̋̏͝ĺ͑̓͛͞ĺ̓͛̕,҇̃̐ ả͑͐̉͠n̋͐̊̕d̛͗̃̂̈̄ t̿́̎̅̚͡h̿̑͠e̎͒̈́͌̏͠ ơ̈́̄̒n͛̑̏̆̕l̓͋͝ỳ̈́̑̔̿͝ t̎͒͂͝h̛̏́i̓̃̌͊͠n̓̒́͡g̀͐́͝ s̔̏͞t̅̎̃̒̚͞a҇̋́̂n̏͋̂̐͝d̀̿̎͞i̛̾̌̏͗ǹ̈́̿́̈̕ǵ͆͛̿̕ b̛̋̐ȇ͌̉̓̕t̐̚̚͡w̛̆̈́̀̒è̑͋͡ȅ̑̋̕n̔̏͡ m͐͂͂̕e̅̎͝ a̓̽̓̋͡n҇̀͂̽d̛͛̾̆̍̃ m̾̓͗́͝y̾́́͠ m͛̽̽̚͝e͌̀̕ȃ̛͆̓l̛̏̈́́͑̚ i̛̾͛̃͗s̓̂͆͑̓͡ M͑̋̈͡i̔̂͠s̛̈́́t́̉̏͠r̛͋͗ē̏̕s̀̓̎͡s̛͒̃̈̀'̾̈́̍́͞s̐̃̊͝ m̛̈͆o͗̈́͑͊͆͡r̾̔̚͝ȧ̈́̓̇̚͡l҇̋̽̇̓̉ c̓͗̍̚͞o͆̆̔̽͠m̛̓̀̐p̓̉͞a͋̆͋͠s̀͊͂͊͝s͊͋͞.̛͐́”

“William, you’re ruining the moment,” Eloise chides him gently. “If they know I’m actually on their side, they’ll get cocky.”

“Ḯ̊̈̕'҇̔͆m̊̈́̍͠ n҇̄̒ô̍̍̊͝t̀͗̓́̚͝ s҇̇́ó̃̕̚r̃̓͌̅͝r̀̀͠y҇͌͆͌̄̇.̋̄̀̉̅͝ t̏͛̂͠h̛̄͋e͒̑͐̊͞y̛̋͌̄ n̅̒͊̋͝é̛͆̅͌e͌̇̀̊̐͡d͊̐̉̓̕ t̛̂͊̉o͛̎͂̕ k̀̌͞n͌̏̏̀͆͝ơ̋̅̀̎w̛̒͛ t̐̾͠ĥ̔̍̃͡ë́͆̔̍̐͝i͒̓͡ŕ͛̿͝ ṕ̽́͠l҇̎̀a̓̆̕c̃̒́̂́͠é̈͠.̃͛͒͝”

Eloise pinches the bridge of her nose.

“Aight, listen up—where’s the last one?”

The blindfolded one purses his lips. “I’m—I’m not sure it’s a good idea to call him down.”

“Why not?”

“He’s—”

“He only got turned two months ago,” the pale asshole says with a shrug, but he’s still shaking a bit and looking at William with suspicion, with William glaring right back. “He’s not good at controlling himself.”

“There’s a fledgling in the house?” Eloise asks, blinking with disbelief. “And you’ve—you’ve just, like, what? Left him to his own devices? Without round-the-clock care? Next thing you’ll tell me is that you feed him so little he actually gets hungry and aggressive!”

“We can’t let him feed on people without killing them, so he is,” the blonde speaks up, looking at Eloise in challenge. She just blinks at him, mouth ajar in shock.

“You—You’re—You’re starving a fledgling?!” she shrieks, well and truly losing the grip on her anger for a moment. “You—Fledglings need nothing as much as they need a constant stream of fresh blood if they are to develop themselves and their power correctly, and you—you’re telling me, you’re not feeding him? Almost at all? And you expect it to go well?!”

“Don’t tell us how to care for a recently-turned vampire!” the blonde snaps, pacing towards her, William temporarily forgotten. “I think we’d know better than you!”

“And yet you prove you don’t!” Eloise snaps right back, also moving forward, before they meet in the middle of the room, face-to-face. Eloise, with her one hundred and eighty centimeters, is almost as tall as him, downplaying his attempt to loom over her.

“Who do you think you are?!” the blonde hisses, attempting to loom and intimidate. Eloise just glares at him with her unsettling, almost-white eyes. It takes a lot of mental control to not to combust his pretty face on the spot, so instead Eloise grabs him by the shoulders with nothing more but her magic, and abruptly drags him few steps back.

“The owner of this place, and the person who decides whether you live or die,” she snarls, as he tries to shake off the invisible hands still firmly holding him down, well away from Eloise’s personal space. “And you’re not making a good case for yourself, blondie. Now go upstairs, pack your bags, and OUT before I change my mind and kill you all!”

They all flinch at her tone, because Eloise can muster a rather powerful roar-like shout if need be, even if it makes her throat ache uncomfortably. But it’s authoritative, and Eloise was almost-attacked twice today already, and she’s starting to actually want to kill them.

Getting bloodstains out of the carpets and wooden floors, after all, was only difficult as saying an one-sentence chant and focusing a bit.

The pale asshole all but pounces upstairs when William takes few steps towards him, almost barreling into a sixth figure, a boy in a dark cape, standing at the top of the stairs. This must be the fledgling, Eloise decides.

“Aren’t we even given an option to stay?” the pajama-clad moron asks, wincing all the time at the holes in his shoulders. They’ll heal—maybe, not that Eloise cares—but that doesn’t mean it’s painless. He deserved it, though—things like these happen when you attack people.

“That’s right. Why can’t you just keep them?” a smug, disembodied voice sounds from the direction of the door, instantly putting everyone but Eloise and William on high alert. She, instead, merely turns around to face the materializing woman, because using the door is outdated and teleporting in is the thing nowadays, apparently. The woman is tall, pale, and bony, with creepy, almost-white eyes, and cascades of wavy, red hair.

Baba Yaga, the most potential reason for the vampires being in the Kerrigan Manor to begin with. Eloise suspected the woman would pop up sometime tonight to be her smug, powerful self and lord it over them all mere mortals, but her arriving so early put a wrench in Eloise’s plan of kicking the vampires out without having to kill them.

Instead of addressing any of these points, however, Eloise elects to tackle the point raised by Baba instead.

“Their backlog rent counts in literal hundreds of thousands in cash,” she says angrily. “And I’m under no illusion that they would never be able to pay it off, because I doubt any of them got an actual job, and I would never let them stay before that happened! Besides, two of these fuckers tried to attack me already, and I’m not sharing my roof with aggressive creatures!”

“Ah, so you’d instead allow them to get away, scoot-free, without paying you your thousands in cash, and with their lives?” Baba chuckles. “My, my, dear niece, how altruistic.”

“Don’t hold it against me that I’m tired of killing!” Eloise snaps at the woman. “Which… Admittedly, I am actually obliged to do… And you can report me if I don’t… Ah fuuuuck, what a mess. Fookin’ ‘ell. Ye haed tae come haur, hadn’t ye!”

“Careful dear, your Scottish is showing,” Baba says bemusedly.

“Dinnae care!” Eloise snaps, full Scottish accent just to be contrary. “Canae ye juist let me kick thaim oot an break soum laws by nae killin thaim?!”

“No, I can’t,” the woman answers, unbothered by the outburst and without a care for the six vampires, all ready to strike. “Eloise, consider it, and do so carefully. The second the word gets out, to anybody, if one of them tattles, and one of them will because it’s how life goes, they will be killed regardless, and you will face consequences for them not being killed by your hand.”

“An why dae ye care whit A dae an dinnae dae?” Eloise growls.

“For crying out loud, you stupid child, you’re my family, of course I care about you!” the woman snaps. “Just because I act like I do most of the time doesn’t mean I don’t!”

Eloise blinks at the outburst, leaning back a bit in surprise.

“That’s… Awfully sweet of you, Baba,” she says eventually, carefully, and Baba snorts. “Doesnae change the fact thon it's yer fault tae begin wi! Dinnae deny it, ye're the only ane wha coud ave done this!”

“Alright, hold up, what the hell is going on?” the moron grunts out painfully, pressing at his wounds. “Who on earth are you?”

“Baba Yaga,” Baba says smugly. “The most powerful witch in existence, among other things known for putting an end to Vlad Dracul during the Vampire Uprising, at your service.”

“Very humble,” Eloise mutters. “Baba is the only other person with access to the wards, so you being here is most likely her fault. What are you plotting, Baba?” she asks the woman.

“What if I told you I’d be willing to pay you all of the backlog rent of theirs, and additionally pay them off for the whole year in advance?” Baba asks, and it’s not something Eloise was expecting at all, but also exactly what she was expecting.  “You get the money, they get to stay, you can go register them tomorrow or someday soon, and nobody has to die.”

Eloise grits her teeth. The money is definitely enticing, but is it worth it to become a babysitter of six vampires?

“With coverage for any damages done to the house, including but not limited to unauthorized refurnishing, wear, and lack of proper care?” she asks before she can stop herself, because it’s money they’re talking, and Eloise is really bad saying no to a significant influx of cash.

“Yes. And I’ll throw in a little extra for the attack.”

Eloise grimaces, looking at Baba. “I’m selling their souls to you by proxy, aren’t I?”

A chorus of ‘what’s and ‘don’t you dare’s resounds through the room, and Baba chuckles in a very telling way.

“And what of their registration? Their crimes?” Eloise presses. Baba just smiles, and pulls an envelope out of nowhere, handing it to the younger witch. “You really thought of everything, huh.”

“Of course.”

“I—I’ll need to think about it—” Eloise tries, but her resolve is slipping. They’re talking a really big amount of cash here, and the vampires will get registered and Eloise won’t be breaking the law, and honestly, everybody gains in this situation, even Baba who orchestrated the mess. Or maybe especially Baba, if she will have six vampires indebted to her.

“One million two hundred thousand pound sterling, darling,” Baba all but purrs, and Eloise can feel herself swallowing the bait, hook, line, and the shiny, £-shaped sinker. “All yours.”

Eloise wasn’t even surprised how Baba could calculate their backlog on the spot—if anyone knew how long each vampire stayed in the manor, it was her, but—

Oh who is she fucking kidding.

(She will regret it, she knows. Babysitting six vampires is not something anyone should hope to get through with their sanity intact.)

“y̅͑̐͋̕o҇̇̒͒́̈́u҇͐̍̎,͑͌́͡ m̈́̌͡y͆̊̋̊͠ d҇͌͐e̛̎͊̀̽a̽͋͗̆͡r̐̈́͝e̽̽̿́͡s̒̑͝t͒̄̒͝ M̎͒͝i̓̿͌̇̄͡s̀̽̂́͝ẗ̛́͋͐r̛̍́͒ē͗̀̃̇̕ś͊͡s͗̇̾͞,̛̋̐” William says knowingly, “a̓͗̐͗̆͝ȑ̑̾͝e̛̽̓̚ a̍̈́̎͡ h̃̐͑͛͡o͌̾͝p̓̌͊̂͡e҇̏̅ľ̛̋̍̃ě̓̊̎̈͝s̛͑̆̔̂̚s͒͊̈̚͝ ć̊̂͆̐͞a̔̒̕s͌̽̀͞e̛͂̍̏ o͐͌́̊͊͝f̛̏̋̃ a̾̎̆̔͡ m̍̑̒͝i͆́͝s͋͗͞e̍̏͠ř̂̐̑͂̕.”

“Deal,” she says, ignoring her familiar’s very true jab, and Baba smiles, because she knows, and Eloise does too, that the younger witch was sold the second money was mentioned, even if that meant herding vampires. She’s been through tougher babysitting assignments.

Eloise extends her hand to Baba, and Baba takes it, and magical chains encircle their clasped hands, because of course Baba would make it a magically binding contract. But Eloise isn’t the one it’s directed at—the chains don’t latch at her, instead shooting forwards at the vampires, to the cacophony of yelps, leaving barely-visible, bracelet-like thin scar-tattoos around their right wrists.

“For your information,” Baba says, “I left the fledgling alone. He’s all of two months since turned, and I’d feel bad if a literal baby were to pay the debts of others.”

“Who’s the altruistic one here, now?” Eloise snorts.

“I am. Maybe. He’s barely an adult by mortal standards as-is, and lacking a sire, or a nurturing environment. It’s a miracle he’s still alive, truly. I hope you’ll rectify it.”

“A pet project?” Eloise asks.

“Maybe,” Baba hums noncommittally. “Or maybe just a pet.”

Eloise glares at the ancient witch, who just smiles and vanishes as abruptly as she appeared, but this time with a crack of displaced air, leaving the younger witch, once more, alone with six vampires and her familiar.

Eloise looks at them all, then exchanges a glance with William, and groans.

Why did she agree to this?

Ah.

Money.

That’s why.

“y̏̍̀̚͠õ̅͞ü̍̆̊̿͠r҇̃̆̅̀ g̛͋̒̚r҇̌́̇̒è̈́̿̿͞e͑́̄͂͞ď̛̎̄͗̓ w̌̾͌͠i҇̀͐̌̾̐ĺ͐͝l͆̿͞ b̛̊͊͋͛ế̌͑̃͞ ỷ͊̿͝ȏ̾̍͆͠ü͋̂͠r̈͑̑͐͂͝ d̔͌̈͡ŏ͗̍̚͡w͂̄͠n͗̍̉̂̕f҇͛͆ā̾̓̕l҇̍̓͌l͊̎͞ ŏ̔͡ń̛̑e҇̆̌̍͑̆ ó͒̾̌͝f̍̾͡ t̛͋̃h̋͋͠ẽ̛̌̏s̽̿̄̚̚͡e͌́͞ d̃̽͒̉͠a҇̋̀͛͋̋ẙ̈́͑͒̓͠ś̾̋̅͝,̃̿͛͠” William huffs in exasperated amusement, and pounces straight back into her shadow, vanishing from the physical realm.

“So I guess you’re staying,” Eloise says to nobody in particular. “Fine. Okay. It’s—Fuck. Okay, okay, I got this. I’ll lay ground rules first thing tomorrow. Whoever decided it was a good idea to appropriate the Master Bedroom will find his things outside the door.”

The blonde looked like he wanted to argue, but Eloise just looked at him flatly.

“You may have been a top dog before, blondie, but I own the place, you’re staying here only thanks to the good grace of my heart and Baba’s money, and I’m too retired to deal with your shit today,” she says. “If you want to challenge my authority, door’s right fucking there. That all? No, that not all. Kidlet, when have you eaten last?” she asks the fledgling at the top of the staircase.

He startles a bit at being singled out, looks around for a moment, and only then answers. “Two days ago. Ma’am.”

The overwhelming need to bang her head on the wall so that the world maybe starts making sense again returns to Eloise with vengeance.

“William please tell me you have blood stashed somewhere in the Shadowrealm,” she pleads instead.

William pokes his head out of her shadow. “d͊͐̂̒͋͡ē̊̆̀̚͝e͑̾͝r̓̒̑̀̕̚,҇͛͆̀͊̚ w̍̿̿̎͗͠o̒̇̅̾̾͞l̿́͒͞f͆͛̾̐͞,̾̓͒͡ a͗̽͞ň̍͝ḋ̛̍̏ s̆̃͠o͗͛̍̉͡m҇̌̌ȅ̉́͞ g̛͑̄r͗̔̔̈͝i͒̃͡f̀̽̍̓̄͞f̛̿͌i͒͛͂̓͠n̛͛͛̇ f̛̅́r̛̒̓̎ơ̍̊͛͋̚m̛͂͛ ȏ͆̏̇͞u͂̈́̔̏͞r̒̑͡ l̛͊͌a͊̌͊͆̿̕s̃̽͋̋̂͡t͑̀͐̇͋͡ h̏̈͌̚͝u҇̍̂͑̏n҇̊͐̽͒t́̀͆͞.͒̈́̚̚͠ I͂̎͒̂͞'͌̊̃́̽͠m͗́͞ ń͆̐̕̚ȯ̚͝t̑̀̏͛͠ g͑͂̃̃͛̕í̛͒̓v͒̽͡i̓̽̎̇͝n̆̾͠g̔̈̉̅͞ t̾̓͡h̋͌͞e͆̊͒͊͞ g̈́̎͐̄͂͝r̓͊̓̔̇̕i̍̓̿̎̕f̛̎̏͐̐f̀̏̕i̽̃́͒͒͝n̒̀̑͝ t̎̏͠h̓̄͂̅̏͡ő͑͡ũ͋̽͑͝g̎̊̈́͠h͊̋̾̆͠.”

“Give the deer,” Eloise says, and few seconds later she has an armful of glass jugs filled with blood. “Thanks.”

With that, she moves upstairs, dumps the jugs—three of them, five liters each, full—into fledgling’s arms, and barges into the Master Bedroom. As promised, she gathers and teleports blondie’s things outside the door, throws few cleaning spells around, changes sheets, changes into pajamas, and throws herself onto the bed.

Everything else seems like tomorrow’s Eloise’s problem, and she leaves it at that, falling asleep without a care.

(And maybe with a nasty surprise on the door that zaps the pale asshole when he tries the doorknob.)

(https://picrew.me/image_maker/43267)

Janis & Jimmy

Janis: Oi Janis: I've got a great idea Jimmy: Go on Janis: If we have to go on these dates and shit to make it credible, it should at least be profitable, yeah? Janis: gotta get something out of it, aside from being left alone, like Jimmy: you offering to pay me, rich girl? Jimmy: tah very much Janis: Ha, no Janis: should've done that upfront, no hidden costs lad Janis: but apparently, if we go in these places, say its one of our birthdays, we can get free shit Jimmy: 🎻🎻🎻 Jimmy: free shit like drinks or free shit like a song? Janis: Free like you ain't gonna have to sing for your supper Janis: depends how convincing you reckon you can be Jimmy: Put upon boyfriend out celebrating his spoilt gf's birthday isn't that much of a stretch for me Jimmy: been there, worn the matching coupley t-shirt Janis: How spoilt can I really be if I'm fine with free cake and shit Janis: but alright, be my birthday first Jimmy: the free cake is a bonus on top of all the #goals shit we've been doing before & will keep doing after that we'll talk loudly about in front of our even more put upon server Jimmy: 💕 Janis: Of course Janis: definitely don't get paid enough and tipping kind of goes against what we're doing here, soz Jimmy: If they do a top job with their bit of the performance could always slip 'em Pete's number and see if he'll let 'em in band Jimmy: be classed as the ultimate gift that Janis: nice that your #solidarity extends beyond caffiene based services Janis: dunno who died and made you his manager Jimmy: gutted that you'd have to kill many a groupie to have your go Jimmy: 💔💔💔💔💔 Jimmy: bitter as the CG's cup of the day you, mate Janis: Bitch please Janis: have you seen me Jimmy: yeah Jimmy: and here you are having ideas that'll mean I see more of you Janis: Erm, definitely YOUR idea Jimmy: all these dates were nowt to do with me Jimmy: I don't bother with my real birthday Janis: Nah, idiot Janis: one date Janis: hit as many places as we can Janis: see who can get the best shit Jimmy: and see who voms first Jimmy: but alright Jimmy: I'm in Janis: That's a thing you do? Janis: thanks for the warning, I suppose but not gonna hold back your hair still Jimmy: did you not get the memo about me being Mia protege? I'll resend it's a decent read Jimmy: we got jackets but I can't fit in mine yet #motivation Janis: 😂 Janis: should know she likes to leave me out as much as she thinks about me Janis: treat 'em mean is her whole #mood, obvs Jimmy: but I love to include you Judy 😍😍😍 Jimmy: must've missed that memo myself Janis: Has she not rushed to correct you and stake claims? Janis: Disappointing Jimmy: not til I reach my goal weight, dear Jimmy: multitasking uses more braincells than she's got functioning Janis: 💔💔💔💔💔 Janis: for you or for her, who knows Jimmy: sharesies 💕 Janis: 🤢 Janis: don't trigger me Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: When we doing this then? Janis: When can you Janis: I ain't eat yet Jimmy: gimme like an hour Jimmy: two max Janis: 👍 Janis: where you at or we meeting in town Jimmy: Go buy yourself a badge and party hat Jimmy: I'll meet you there Janis: 😑 Janis: really Jimmy: convincing you said Janis: I know but are we convincing them that I'm 6, like Janis: you want the kids menu you can ask Jimmy: if you wanna swap roles, say the word, Jill Jimmy: I look sexy af in a sash Janis: I'll get you one then Janis: help me win Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: You'll need all the help you can get to beat me Janis: Confident now you've secured a costume Janis: you do you, boy Jimmy: such a #hater you Janis: just a natural-born winner Jimmy: Easy to say Jimmy: We ain't hitting up your daddy's place, rich girl Jimmy: You're gonna have to do something Janis: 🙄 Janis: yeah that was the plan Janis: fake meet the fam is too much Jimmy: 💔🎻💔 Janis: Yeah yeah Jimmy: save your enthusiasm for your fake birthday bash, babe Janis: You could save your tears for when they might get us more freebies too Janis: just so you know Jimmy: I thought you wanted to be the winner Jimmy: make your mind up Janis: I could heroically cheer you up Janis: get with the times Jimmy: am I meant to be crying 'cause you've survived the year 🔪 or 'cause you didn't get any hotter? 👵💕 Janis: Do you wanna survive the meal, darling Janis: that's the real question Jimmy: if the food's better than the company, might do Janis: 🖕 Janis: why I should be crying Janis: just need to be convincingly dating Janis: not old married couple Janis: much to your disappointment, I know Jimmy: yeah I've got the full orchestra playing as we speak Janis: Gonna stick with my workout playlist if it's all the same to you Jimmy: 🤤 Janis: I'm sure Janis: Like you said, those calories don't purge themselves Jimmy: Mhmm, we don't need to fake date so hard you get fat, that's #goals for nobody Janis: You ain't that fake special, babe Janis: 💔 Jimmy: Too soon for a food baby vs fake pregnancy guessing game either so keep at it with the workouts, girl Janis: You're trying to give the wrong twin a complex, boy Janis: works dead good on her though, if you wanna change your mind on how interested you are Jimmy: she free in an hour or two? Janis: ask her Jimmy: hang on then Janis: no need Janis: in the clear if you've changed your mind Jimmy: damn she's washing Mia's hair Jimmy: 💔💔 Jimmy: you'll have to do Janis: not the first time she's let me down Janis: s'alright Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: How fancy are the restaurants we're hitting? Jimmy: [sends pic of what he's wearing with a 👍 on one hand and a 👎 on the other like yay or nay] Janis: Not Janis: so 👍 Janis: can leave the tux in the cleaners, like Jimmy: another night slumming it, eh?  can leave your 🐎 at home too then, sweetheart Janis: not setting up the world's shittest joke, tah Janis: 🐎🍻 Jimmy: You'd need a sense of humor for that Jimmy: and a better venue 🍽 doesn't have the same #bants Janis: I'll laugh at all your 'jokes' when there's people around to hear Janis: not exclusive to fake relationships that's just standard, burst your bubble Jimmy: 😍💕😍😍💕 Janis: Ugh, you're keen Jimmy: you had me at freebies 💘 Jimmy: just a poor boy pretending to love a girl over here Janis: asking her to pretend love him back Janis: seen the film, got the memo Jimmy: clocking up all the hours you won't get back you Janis: Obviously Janis: hoping god's keeping track Jimmy: you gonna make me say grace over the 🍞🍷 Jimmy: 'cause we established your sister ain't free even for 3 times and a mirror Janis: Maybe Janis: actually have to take this serious then Janis: do your homework, kid Jimmy: bubble bursting's your fave but I'll be the one to tell you he ain't #real if you need 🎅 too Jimmy: 💔💔💔 Janis: Is for rich kids, ain't you heard Janis: #blessed ain't just a # babe Jimmy: you'd know Janis: exactly Jimmy: tah for the inside scoop on what I coulda had, mate Janis: you seem very interested Janis: keep bringing it up so Janis: welcome Jimmy: in your 💰💰💰 yeah, I am Jimmy: gonna ask you to fake marry me asap Janis: soz, don't actually need a beard Jimmy: better not drop the 💍 in your dinner later then Jimmy: 👌 Janis: don't be discouraged Janis: plenty of others left Jimmy: 🙏🙏 Jimmy: lucky me Jimmy: You're right, Jenna, #blessed ain't just a # Janis: I know Janis: keep up Jimmy: 🏃 Janis: could use it Janis: new boy shine won't last forever Jimmy: 🤞 Jimmy: won't need you then Janis: 🤞 Janis: let's hope so or you'll have to think of a way to make this worthwhile Jimmy: so romantic and so threatening 💕 Janis: that's me Jimmy: 😍 Janis: Idiot Jimmy: Save the sweet talk Janis: You're gonna have to do better Jimmy: nowt better than your pillowtalk baby Janis: 😂 Janis: you wish Jimmy: I ain't wishing for owt but 🎂 Jimmy: I've not ate either Janis: you at work Jimmy: nah Jimmy: I opened Janis: bummer Janis: could've started off the freebies unofficial, like Jimmy: full of good ideas you Jimmy: you ain't tasted most of the shit in the cabinet though 💀💀💀 Janis: I ain't scared, boy Jimmy: weren't a challenge Janis: 🤷 Janis: boring Jimmy: piss off Janis: alright Janis: in a bit then Jimmy: 👍 Janis: [during] Janis: socials are popping off Janis: 💪 Jimmy: 🏆 Jimmy: do my victory lap now, like Janis: stop by the bar on your way then Janis: 🥃 is empty Jimmy: [does but let's say he's talked his way into some kind of 🍸freebie so he's 😏] Janis: can't stop winning, like Jimmy: 🥇 or nowt girl Janis: lemme taste it first Janis: usually more sugar than booze Jimmy: I didn't make it, June, I blagged it Janis: letdown Janis: leave it off socials that there's an end to your talents, obvs Jimmy: leave it out Jimmy: I'll make you one in a bit if you're 💔 Janis: cool it tom cruise Janis: it's alright Jimmy: I know you ain't gutted I ain't that short Janis: [is 😏] Janis: true, way too many nice points in ignoring that and getting with you anyway Janis: not trying to be sainted for my new rep Jimmy: yeah yeah 😈 you Jimmy: [a flirty look cos we all know what's up] Janis: [returns it duh even if you're drinking that drink faster now] Janis: got to that point in the date have we Jimmy: [nods to whoever is coming to clear the plates as if he planned that but obvs didn't] Jimmy: might as well milk our last chances before we're onto the next Jimmy: 💕 Janis: [just a look like mhmm] Janis: go on then Janis: I'll go freshen up or whatever it is I'm meant to do and you try get us some doggy bags or something Jimmy: 👌 Jimmy: [leans across the table & said plates which are being cleared to kiss her like they are one of those obliviously loved up couples] Janis: [being that bitch like sorry but not when you get up to go like the poor waitress is meant to be #invested 'cos you also know the type, least they are actually cute but still] Jimmy: [clearly does score something for them cos this place is extra if they giving out 🍸] Janis: I'm coming back 'cos any longer they'll think I'm taking a dump Janis: not very goals Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: time to move along anyway, my dear Janis: [comes back and has taken her hair down to show she's been doing 'freshening' 'cos I wanna ha] Jimmy: [when she looks really fucking good so he's trying not to stare at her & basically throws the freebies at her cos] Janis: [walking away lads heist of the century] Janis: s'alright, giving me your jacket is probably a bit cliche, like Jimmy: my jacket ain't got nowt you can eat in the pockets Jimmy: [waves a 🚬 at her tho cos is in there & asking if she wants] Janis: [does] Janis: you a feeder or just trying to 💀 me now Jimmy: You'll have to pay to unlock my kinks Jimmy: [lights her up though cos never can stop himself] Janis: [does a little amused lol] Janis: just saying, solid out with Mia and co Jimmy: Tah, I'll run with it Jimmy: had to break up with you 'cause you're too 💪 and won't over-eat for me Jimmy: 💔💔🎻🎻💔 Janis: and you're short and have a complex Janis: cool Jimmy: and you fancy Cruise and wish I was Jimmy: soz babe Jimmy: should've twigged when your idea of netflix and chill was so him heavy Janis: Not only are you tryna make me fat, it's you who's stopping me wearing heels Janis: out of order, tbh babe Jimmy: nobody's believing you wanna wear heels Jimmy: platform trainers maybe Janis: that's the whole point of this init Janis: new year new me 💁💯 Jimmy: [does a 🙄] Janis: See Janis: total Napolean, you Jimmy: You wish Jimmy: so thirsty for midgets you Janis: makes fake dating you easier, yeah Jimmy: [playfully shoves her as he pulls her into the next place] Janis: [maybe there's a bit of a queue so they have to stand there and wait and be gross and couply in the doorway for all to see, just leaning on him casually] Jimmy: [yeah cos then he can play with her hair when he's kissing her etc which you know is a mood since she took it down] Janis: [should defs be the place that ain't having it after waiting] Jimmy: [agreed but they ain't that mad secretly cos this wait is fun 😏] Janis: ok this waitress is immune to charm Janis: we're bailing before the bill Jimmy: yours Jimmy: if I'd have done it you'd be tucking into a sundae with a sparkler by now Janis: your delusions ain't making me feel better Jimmy: your whinging ain't doing owt for me, funnily enough Jimmy: let's do one Janis: I'm ordering the most expensive dessert on this menu first Jimmy: it'll take ages to show up Jimmy: their customer service is for shit Janis: wanna go complain to their manager, babe Janis: let it hit the table first, I'm not eating food that's been gobbed in for you Jimmy: not one of your kinks? I'll only spit in your mouth if you really annoy me then Janis: yeah try it Janis: dickhead Jimmy: I'll be outside Jimmy: find me when you're done Janis: really Jimmy: there's no need to be #goals in here Jimmy: [leaves the table without a word like a rude hoe but we know you're gonna be back cos will be ages lol] Janis: are you trying to dash and leave me with the bill Jimmy: would that be the bill you said you're bailing on? Janis: yeah but are you bailing on me first Janis: that's such bad manners Jimmy: 🎻🎻🎻 Jimmy: I've gone outside not home Janis: just 'cos you know I can run faster than you Janis: if you need a headstart, just say Jimmy: 'cause I'm still hungry, nowt to do with you, girl Janis: then come in and order something Janis: we ain't paying, remember Janis: go big Jimmy: I can't read, remember Jimmy: too northern Jimmy: order for me Janis: you sure? Janis: no need to be goals in here and pretend I know your taste so well Jimmy: not up for this specific challenge? Jimmy: losing it, mate Jimmy: 💔💔💔 Janis: Shut up Janis: I'll do it Jimmy: 😘 Janis: also you owe me 🚬 Jimmy: Come here then Janis: I'm patiently waiting for your food Jimmy: You've got time Jimmy: [waves at her from outside like come on] Janis: [shrugs like alright 'cos why not, feeling like a fool sat there anyway] Jimmy: [watching her come to him lowkey like 😏] Janis: ['it'll fall out' in ref to the 🚬 in his mouth] Jimmy: [lights her cos will until the day they both quit just facts] Janis: [nods like cheers] Jimmy: [keeping an eye out for the food they not gonna pay for 'cause looking at her would mean a LOOK and he's already done one earlier] Janis: ['Hope you're as hungry as you say you are'] Jimmy: [on his phone now like a rude hoe like we know he's checking on the kids but Janis don't 'Starved' cos lbr probably is thanks Ian you slack bitch] Janis: [when you're mad but you aren't gonna say you're mad lmao] Jimmy: [🚬 & texting looking like the rudest bitch ever when really you're promising Cass & Bobby cake cos they deserve that] Janis: ['Popular?' bit rude to say it like a question but you know he ain't] Jimmy: ['You said it, our posts are. I've got new boy and birthday boy shine combined, tah for that'] Janis: ['Frees you for your actual' shrugs 'who doesn't like free shit, come on'] Jimmy: [still glued to his phone 'Could be anywhere by then but if Mia and Co are still stalking, I'll keep the lie going, highkey for highkey'] Janis: [shrugs, 'they are pretty committed' and puts her 🚬 out on the wall as she goes back in] Jimmy: [follows her in after ignoring her cos I love a mixed signal] Janis: [food should still not be there for awks] Jimmy: [100%] Jimmy: [doodling cos art hoe forever, this time on the condensation on his glass with a finger] Janis: [pours salt on the table and draws noughts and crosses grid 'cos this place sucks so can be as messy as you wanna] Jimmy: [smiles when he notices cos that nerd & takes his go as ✖] Janis: [tie #1] Janis: [Janis win] Janis: [Jimmy win Janis: [Food finally arriving and my vibe was out of his comfort zone but something swag 'cos knows food] Jimmy: [gives a look like wtf & is ready to hate it obvs & be moody but tastes it & its clearly good so unlucky] Janis: [😏] Jimmy: [flicks a spoonful at her cos not tryna start a full fight cos wants to eat it but 😒] Janis: [#outraged and gets some cream from her sundae and puts it on his nose] Jimmy: [when you scrape it off and then lick your finger in a saucy manner] Janis: [When you look bemused like 'thought we weren't putting on a show?'] Jimmy: [gives her a look like 'practice makes perfect' and then gets them to recreate it for the 'gram] Janis: ['Alright, highkey for highkey' at least you get to be 'fake' into it for the 'gram] Jimmy: [when you're so into it 'for the story' hahahaha] Janis: have you done this before? Jimmy: eaten whatever the fuck this is? Not up north, Jasmine Janis: 🙄 Janis: dined and dashed, genius Jimmy: haven't you? Janis: I asked you, boy Janis: but no Janis: who wants to be that rich girl cliche Jimmy: it's a poor lad necessity Jimmy: beg, borrow or steal your pastry based 5 a day Janis: You can take the lead then and we don't have to call it a head start or nothing Jimmy: we can call it handholding you through rich girl, 'cause that's what it is Janis: Leave now if you wanna be patronizing Janis: it ain't hard Jimmy: Go freshen up and use your athletic skills to leave out the window Jimmy: won't be hard for you Janis: Say bye now then Janis: ✌ Jimmy: 👍 Janis: [run bitch run] Jimmy: [likewise do your thing boyyy] Jimmy: piss easy when you know how Janis: alright Janis: it was fun but only 'cos they deserved it Janis: where'd you end up? Jimmy: so moral you 🙏😇🙏 Jimmy: [location which is right by the next place they should hit but he's always lost lol] ?? Janis: you already knew me and the big man were tight Janis: right, go in the pub like a few buildings down Janis: be there soon Jimmy: Alright Jimmy: missing you already 💕😍😘 Janis: 😂 Janis: drown your sorrows, babe Jimmy: 🍻 sláinte Janis: Look at you Janis: practically native Jimmy: 💪🏆 Janis: depressive drinking is what unites us all, tbh Jimmy: 😂 Janis: [showing up, let us assume she ran in the opposite direction] Jimmy: [when yet again you have to stop yourself looking at the cute bae but at least you got the drinks in so you can shove that at her] Janis: [IRL sláinte] Jimmy: [clink them glasses kids] Janis: [a snap/story moment if ever there was] Jimmy: [just cos she wants to make him say 🍀 with his accent lol] Janis: [still loling tbh] Jimmy: [when you then notice some food in her hair from when you flicked it at her so you get it out and there's a shameless moment] Janis: ['can't take you anywhere, like'] Jimmy: ['can fake it everywhere, though'] Janis: ['wow, pop that on your tinder'] Jimmy: [gives her an IRL 👍] Janis: [literal shaking of head, hopefully you dislodge any other food lol] Jimmy: [not into your drink tho that'd be grim] Janis: ['d'ya move 'round lots then?'] Jimmy: [his turn to shake his head 'I was born in the house we lived in before my dad dragged us here'] Janis: ['what makes you so sure you'll be off again then?' a gloriously blunt bitch lmao] Jimmy: ['got to that bit of the date now, have we?' cos word thief & gives her the same look she gave him too but a bit more 😒 cos its him] Janis: ['You'd prefer we were back playing footsie, like?'] Jimmy: [lols cos lbr yeah he would] Janis: [get a round in b] Jimmy: [they should get free shots which they then 'gram/snap for the brag] Janis: ['You're keeping up alright, lad'] Jimmy: ['You said it yourself, it ain't just you Paddys that handle their drink'] Janis: ['Not coming for your pride, but you can spare the sob story, like; 'less you wanna make it an actual story'] Jimmy: ['So chatty you. Unlocked a Juliet kink without even trying there, like' taking shots like its his job] Janis: [Punches him in the arm but gentle-ish please] Jimmy: [is all like 'oi!' so offended & playful shove & messes her hair up cos can't hit her can you lad] Janis: ['knew it'd all end in tears' and fake wipes his eyes to show his, obvs] Jimmy: [when its a playfight but also a moment cos we see how flirty af this is getting guys] Janis: [gonna have to get another punter/bartender to say something so y'all stop 'cos] Jimmy: 💀💀💀 Janis: I know Janis: I KO'd you Jimmy: Piss off Jimmy: You made a holy show of yourself girl, what would Jesus say? 😱😱 Janis: He likes 'em feisty Jimmy: code for down with a toe in the mouth that Janis: [lols] Janis: That's blasphemy Jimmy: let him KO me then Jimmy: you missed your chance, mate Janis: If you're asking to get hit by lightning, wait 'til I'm gone Janis: not going down with you, mate Jimmy: So fake Juliet 💔💔💔 Jimmy: am gonna cry now, like Janis: Poor boy Janis: you didn't get the memo Jimmy: You know I can't read Jimmy: 😭😭😭😭 Janis: I'll get you an audible account as a parting gift Jimmy: tah Jimmy: that really softens the blow of you going Janis: mhmm Janis: listen to all the great love stories you like Jimmy: [is literally graffiting their initials in a love heart somewhere rn excuse him] Jimmy: You're the great romantic, load up my queue so I know it's real 💕 Janis: [just 😏] Janis: sure Mia comes here all the time, like Janis: can see it now Jimmy: I get that vibe from her Janis: packet of pork scratchings and she's yours Janis: deffo Jimmy: 🤤 Janis: [ripping up a beer-mat] Janis: she don't do boyfriends, you know Janis: you should just bang her, keep the others away Jimmy: [does vomming sounds dramatically] Jimmy: she'd be into that but I don't wanna know her kinks either Janis: [shrugs but is shamelessly pleased] Jimmy: [throws some of the beer mat pieces up like confetti] Janis: Subtle Jimmy: [is 😏] Janis: Maybe you can change her, boy Janis: [making casual mosaic with some pieces] Jimmy: I owed you a 🚬 not a life changing favour Jimmy: [takes a pic of it cos art hoe] Janis: would it kill you Janis: come on Janis: wife her Jimmy: might do Janis: I'm willing to take that risk Jimmy: if I wanted to get married underage I'd have stayed with my ex Jimmy: claimed her kid Janis: [does 😬 face] Jimmy: [drinking away the mems] Janis: [awkward drinking] Janis: reckon that's worth more free drinks, I'll go see Jimmy: 👍 Janis: [does and succeeds, this place is obvs about them] Jimmy: [more drinking] Janis: did you think it was yours for a bit Jimmy: [gives her a look like oh okay are we still on this] Janis: [puts hands up like sorry and is genuinely] Jimmy: [shakes his head though cos no he didn't it was obvs that friend of her dad's #goals ] Janis: [nods but doesn't comment 'cos you know lesson learnt] Jimmy: [does another cheers glasses clink cos thanks for dropping it] Janis: 🍻 Jimmy: 💕 Janis: [just on ya phone, reading the comments] Janis: think we're splitting couples up left and right with our #goals Jimmy: 🎻🎻🎻 Jimmy: [shows her a Mia 'birthday' message in his dms with the most disgusted facial expression anyone has ever worn] Janis: 🤢 Janis: Disappointing Janis: I thought her chat would be better Jimmy: Why? Janis: 'cos she's rode bare lads Janis: gotta be some reason Jimmy: she don't do boyfriends, there's one Janis: Shoulda opened with that Jimmy: Common knowledge, there's no need Jimmy: 🍆🐍 Janis: how dare you 🐍 shame her Jimmy: [little lol] Jimmy: You wanna reply to her? Jimmy: [throws his phone to her like] Janis: [raises eyebrow like 'risky' but challenge accepted duh] Jimmy: [drinks while she works her magic on that] Janis: [when you make it obvious it's you 'cos omg phone trust lol] Jimmy: [when you put your head on her shoulder so you can read it even though you could just wait until she's done, we see you boy] Janis: [takes selfie to send too] Jimmy: [suck it Mia] Janis: [looking so couply without even trying lmao] Jimmy: [when his phone rings and they lowkey shit themselves cos love to ruin a moment but its Ian so he ain't answering it begone bitch] Janis: [when you know all about ignoring 'rents so standard] Jimmy: [ooh let's say there's a table football table like in sims so they can play] Janis: [when you forget and are just having a good time now] Jimmy: [#mood] Janis: [let the boy win] Jimmy: 💪🏆 Janis: 😒 Janis: fluke Jimmy: play me again and I'll beat you again, babe 🥇 Janis: [sticks tongue out 'cos mature] Jimmy: [her tongue is whatever lurid colour the shots were so 📷 cos nerd] Janis: Insult to injury Jimmy: nah look it's #art Janis: [🙄] Jimmy: [sends it to her but has done some artsy shit to it] Jimmy: 🎨🎨🎨🎨 Janis: Look less cringe than the cake social, I suppose Jimmy: so complimentary you Janis: you really got that temperament, yeah? Janis: no one's doubting you maestro Jimmy: answered your own question there, girl Janis: get you a beret too Janis: when I go Janis: sorted Jimmy: 👍 Jimmy: [goes to get more drinks even if he has to pay for them, you gonna be wasted lads ayyyy] Janis: [when grace is probably hitting you up for deets, everyone getting ignored lowkey] Janis: get shots whilst you're up there Jimmy: [does and they a different colour for the fun] Jimmy: 💔 we'd get booted out for body shots, the fans would've loved it Janis: can call it a hate crime Janis: 🌈 Janis: you're just being a good ally Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: with that foolproof excuse, we've got none not to do it then Janis: [a look] Jimmy: [returned obvs as he's taking off his doughnut sweatshirt which isn't thank you cos not a fashion mood] Janis: [a moment] Jimmy: [downing the rest cos you know when you take your tshirt off and do this you're gonna get thrown out and not cos you need dutch courage for this moment nope] Janis: [another pub you can't go back to lads] Jimmy: [setting his phone up cos its only for the 'gram/snap guys duh] Janis: [obvs, deffo need to go this hard] Jimmy: [like on the one hand yes cos fuck you Mia but also you really don't] Jimmy: [doing the thing when you maintain eye contact the whole time you take your top off & get in position somehow I'd fall over & die so call me offended boy] Janis: [Just trying not to look like you're looking and getting down to business] Jimmy: [at least he can pretend how shamelessly into it he is is only for the recording but bitch we know you ain't acting that well] Janis: [no taking your top off for insta or for this pub so just give him that collarbone sharpish like Jimmy: [when that's hotter though so bye] Janis: [you're welcome everyone but also buhbye] Jimmy: [when you gotta run again but this time together awwh] Janis: [such a mood, end up in a park, blatantly] Jimmy: [yaaaaaaas drunk and alone in a park is our fave] Janis: [just laying on the grass, it's April, it's fine] Jimmy: [we all know he should go home but he's right there next to her instead] Janis: [actually looking at him, what is she thinking, who knows] Jimmy: [looking back cos of course he is] Janis: [makes a face to break the tension] Jimmy: [throws some grass at her cos always throwing things at her] Janis: [grass fight like you ain't alone who's gonna stop first idiots] Jimmy: [we can have his phone stop them cos let's say a text from Cass so he wouldn't ignore it & also that looks really sketchy like imma just stop flirting immediate to look at my phone] Janis: [silently fuming and gets up to go on the swing or something] Jimmy: [stays put texting & 🚬] Janis: [when you should just leave but you ain't] Jimmy: [when you go over and put your jacket over her shoulders but bitch it ain't cold you just needed an excuse to be there] Janis: want me to snap it or what Jimmy: [when you just blink & shrug cos you weren't even thinking about or like that] Janis: [when you gesture that you wanna twos on the 🚬] Jimmy: [sitting on the swing next to hers so you can pass it back & forth & you do] Janis: [just swinging as one does] Jimmy: [oh so casual just sneaking looks at her like] Janis: ['What?'] Jimmy: ['What?'] Janis: [😑 and swinging higher like fine] Jimmy: [this boy ain't even swinging he's obvs too 😎] Janis: [jumping off and wobbling 'cos if you weren't dizzy before] Jimmy: [if you don't hold her up boy who tf are you] Janis: [swatting him away like oi] Jimmy: [stepping away soooooooo dramatically] Janis: [when you're like 'Imma go for a run' like no] Jimmy: [a look like wtf] Jimmy: ['calm it down, pisshead' tryna steer her back to the swing to sit like shh] Janis: ['why?'] Jimmy: [Raising both eyebrows at her & sitting her down like ummm 'Why can't you go running late at night after shit loads of shots?'] Janis: [looks at him like um yes] Jimmy: [shakes his head but in an amused way this time] Jimmy: 💀💀💀 Jimmy: there's your answer Janis: ['I can handle myself, boy, you go home if you're scared'] Jimmy: [when you're just standing there holding the chains of her swing so it stays still 'If I wanted to go home I'd be there'] Janis: [trying to swing 'cos can't be tamed, 'where do you wanna go then?'] Jimmy: [when you're standing even closer like if you wanna swing you're gonna have to kick me bitch but you're trying not to smile now cos she cute & stubborn 'where are you going?'] Janis: [when you jokingly aim for the crotch but obvs don't #justgirlythings 'very goals; but rude as you're holding me park hostage'] Jimmy: [extending a hand like on you go don't let me stop you babe but v amused] Janis: [gets up with purpose but just standing even closer to him like challenging like now what boy] Jimmy: [when you pick up your jacket up off the floor cos it weren't on her properly so wouldn't have necessarily stayed when she jumped off before & put it back round her shoulders but your hands stay there just lingering cos] Janis: ['do me up then' just moving his hands to the buttons/zip or whatever like you can't do it yourself/you need to] Jimmy: [casually dressing the bae nbd such a moment] Janis: [does another jump to show it's staying on now] Jimmy: [lifts her hair out cos you just wanna touch it always bye but then you calm the fuck down & do an 👌 IRL cos all set] Janis: [does it back with a lol like okay dork] Jimmy: [tells her to piss off but is smiling] Janis: ['no'] Jimmy: [when you have to go back to the swing and sit because you can't address that no and what it might mean] Janis: ['want me to push you?' and is coming over like obvs you do lol] Jimmy: ['do you wanna?' cos always a question] Janis: [just starts in response] Jimmy: [don't go too hard tho him vomming ain't a mood lol] Janis: [when you just lol like what the fuck are we doing rn and stop, going to lie down again] Jimmy: [when you say you should go but lie with her instead cos obvs] Janis: [turn on your side and look at him 'go on then'] Jimmy: [getting comfy on the ground really close to her like you never said it] Janis: [puts head on his shoulder 'cos throwback to earlier] Jimmy: [when you do a happy sigh but you don't realize you even did] Janis: ['I might just stay out, like, not that bad when it's not freezing or pissing it down' 'cos a bitch never wants to be home] Jimmy: [getting even closer to her cos same tbh 'here?' cos he ain't know places] Janis: [looks around 'cos she's really pondering like a nerd 'it's a pretty good spot, you don't wanna be in the centre of town but you don't wanna be in the middle of nowhere either so, yeah, here would work'] Jimmy: ['Alright' cos lbr anywhere's better than home] Janis: [nods like that's that then] Jimmy: [the awkward moment when you promised your siblings cake & now you ain't coming back rude bitch but he's drunk he aint thinking] Janis: ['You gonna get cold, though?' when you're unbuttoning the jacket like it's big enough to wrap around you both] Jimmy: [buttoning it back up on her like its a speed game lol cos priorities gotta look after the bae, goes without saying that you're northern we don't need to say it boy] Janis: ['Don't let anyone see how badly you want me to keep my clothes on, boy'] Jimmy: [such a genuine lol 'I want you to keep MY clothes on, girl, that's goals'] Janis: [is like valid and snuggles into the jacket/his side more] Jimmy: [when you do the thing where you rub up and down her arms like she's so cold but it's just so you can keep them there after and basically hug because you're a soft boy] Janis: [just allowing it even though you're so #confused like what are we] Jimmy: [king of the mixed message] Janis: ['Jimmy?] Jimmy: ['What?' but in a soft way not like ???!! aggressively] Janis: ['Are we mates now?'] Jimmy: ['do you wanna be mates?'] Janis: ['Come on, answer my question' and punches his arm like before but more gentle] Jimmy: [is giving her a LOOK 'answer my question'] Janis: [quiet af 'why do I have to be the one?'] Jimmy: ['Why are you asking?'] Janis: ['cos I wanna know' gives him a look like duh, that's how questions usually work but it's playful not rude] Jimmy: [Gives her a look like well there's your answer of why you should answer me] Janis: [makes ugh noise 'cos awkward egg but drunk enough to do it so now or never 'well, yeah, you're alright, you know'] Jimmy: [is 😏 smug bitch 'you're less of a dickhead when you drink an' all'] Janis: ['fuck off, dickhead' pushes away] Jimmy: ['no' cos his turn for that] Janis: ['why d'ya think I didn't wanna go first'] Jimmy: [gives her a look as if to say if you wanna be mates you're gonna need thicker skin] Janis: [🙄 like oh please] Jimmy: [returning that eye roll] Janis: ['how dare you' rolling away like okay girl lmao] Jimmy: [gets up like he's gonna go but we know he ain't even] Janis: ['I want more drink' opening her phone like what's nearby lads] Jimmy: [we know he's gonna follow her anywhere] Janis: [just looking at him from where he is] Jimmy: [when he walks back over to 'help her up' which is the most thinly veiled excuse yet boy she don't need you like that she's stronger than you] Janis: [allows it again 'cos you wanna be near him rn even though that cleared up so little lol] Jimmy: [when you haven't let go of her hand after & are just messing around with her fingers but being gentle af like stop being so blatant but also don't ever] Janis: [thumb war obvs] Jimmy: [she should so win we all know he's distracted] Janis: [get to be the 😏 one now] Jimmy: ['where to then?' cos shamelessly change the subject/distract her from the win] Janis: ['Depends, are you gonna get us kicked out again?' and a LOOK 'Maybe I could just get someone to go in and buy us a bottle'] Jimmy: ['Have you checked the view count?' cos obvs that's the only reason he'd do something we see you boy ugh. 'Maybe I could steal us one' with a look cos always up for the challenge we know] Janis: [shakes head 'walk and talk, boy then walk the talk after you've shown me' when you wanna see 'cos shamelessly a mood and a moment we all know] Jimmy: [we strutting] Janis: [when both their phones must be blowing up constant rn] Jimmy: [you know he drunk cos he's totally ignoring his] Janis: ['you really gonna stay out or what?'] Jimmy: ['are you?'] Janis: ['course, I've done worse'] Jimmy: ['Yeah? What've you done, rich girl?' when you're not even taking the piss you just wanna know and also flirt] Janis: [nudges him whilst they walk 'You don't even wanna know'] Jimmy: ['I just asked' nudges her back 'you don't want me to know'] Janis: ['Oh, now he knows how questions work' but smiles not being confrontational with it, then shakes her head 'nah, the more salacious gossip you can spread about me post fake breakup the better, make me sound mega slaggy, standard'] Jimmy: ['Oh the old northern lad is well thick gag' reaches out like he's gonna shake her hand well done but likewise isn't being a dick for once, shakes his head too because hasn't thought about this being over yet but already don't wanna thank you] Janis: [lols genuinely and shakes his hand like the nerds they are, all the lingering always] Jimmy: ['You're alright too, you know'] Janis: ['Thanks' when you say it in the best nbd way you can but you mean it] Jimmy: [adjusting your jacket on her cos TOUCH boy I can't with you stop] Janis: ['you gonna let me keep it?' 'cos if you don't joke rn like what will happen] Jimmy: ['Need a new jacket, do you?'] Janis: ['If I did, I'd steal one, or get daddy's credit card out, wouldn't I' taps his head like remember 'it's #goals ain't it'] Jimmy: ['There's your answer then, ain't it?'] Janis: ['Yeah, but we can just fake it, obviously'] Jimmy: [a v helpful shrug] Janis: ['let's try and buy it first, I don't need garda after me, or me getting in shit with your da, like'] Jimmy: ['my dad ain't bought or bothered about my clothes since I started school, reckon you'll be alright, mate'] Janis: ['I mean the drink, you donut, where am I getting fashion at this time of night? Keep up'] Jimmy: [does a little 'run' to 'keep up' cos he's a nerd throwback to the runner emoji when she said it before but looks back at her seriously cos challenge accepted and he can do it & gonna prove that asap] Janis: [is just loling at the whole charade, what are y'all doing] Jimmy: [when he's like omg you're soooo slow as an excuse to drag her along by the damn hand MORE TOUCH we see you] Janis: 'Boy, you said I couldn't run, make up your mind, like' tutting and smh dramatically] Jimmy: ['I didn't reckon on you only having the two speeds, did I, dickhead?'] Janis: ['You just don't wanna lose, which you would'] Jimmy: ['I don't wanna be vommed on which I would 'cause you would'] Janis: ['Psh, baby; I'm no amateur, alright'] Jimmy: ['you got dizzy off a swing, alright. Leave it out, pisshead'] Janis: [😒 'you are rude'] Jimmy: [does the facial expression equivalent of the sarcastic 💔] Janis: [is now being really slow to be annoying] Jimmy: [knows & fireman lifts her over his shoulder because problem solved] Janis: ['I get it, you 'DON'T' wanna be vommed on, kink unlocked. Also drop me and die.'] Jimmy: ['throw up down my back and I'm dumping you, Joanna'] Janis: ['stop talking about puke or I might'] Jimmy: [when you just walking and carrying the bae you gonna feel this tomorrow boy you're not strong] Janis: [what a sight like hey world lmao] Jimmy: [at least she's not a dress wearing bitch that'd be worse] Janis: [didn't have to go that hard for these establishments lol] Jimmy: [put her down boy ffs but we know he won't unless she actually did feel sick] Janis: [tapping his back when they get near a shop like okay act sober and mature now lol] Jimmy: [thank god we're not letting that doughnut top be a thing haha] Janis: [a lewk] Jimmy: [we all know he's stealing shit to impress the bae #facts] Janis: [just loitering outside, looking so nonchalant] Jimmy: [god bless] Janis: 🍀 Jimmy: 💪🏆 Janis: 🍾? Jimmy: you don't wanna put much of an order in then Jimmy: 👑🐎💰 Janis: I don't think they sell ponies in there Janis: maybe in a readymeal but I'm alright, tah Jimmy: 😂 Janis: 😏 Janis: I'm hilarious, I know Jimmy: 👌 Jimmy: gonna have to stop laughing at you or you won't fit in frame to #pose with me Jimmy: brought this on yourself, bighead Janis: Are you calling me FAT?!?!! Janis: 😱😭💔 Jimmy: Am I registered blind? Janis: Don't make me say that'd explain your fashion sense Janis: trying so hard not to be funny here Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: 😘 Jimmy: I get it, you miss me Jimmy: Hang on Janis: Yeah, let's go with that Janis: not that I want the bottle or nothing Jimmy: And your plan is to fight me for it, yeah? Jimmy: alright Jimmy: playing nice is fake even for us Janis: Can't decide if kink unlocked or you're just that stupid Janis: 🤔 Jimmy: if yours is insulting lads you're deffo not that into me Jimmy: 💔💔💔 Janis: fake dating is a fate worse than the friendzone, mate Jimmy: not how you do it baby 💕 Jimmy: [comes out cos how long do you need to be in there like, bought 🚬s so its less suss and throws the pack at her cos always throwing shit at the bae] Janis: [good thing she's sporty so she can catch lmao, taking one out immediately 'cos standard, 'where to?'] Jimmy: [takes the mystery bottle out, opens it & takes a swig, giving her a look like you tell me cos don't know where to go & always gets lost lol] Janis: [🙄 but nice so 😏 too, pondering 'we really committing to drinking in the park as well as sleeping there, like' shakes her head like what is life] Jimmy: [swaps the bottle for her 🚬 cos sharing is caring bitch, you could've just got your own but alright be gay] Janis: [walking and dranking and smoking 'cos living your best life obvs] Jimmy: [#goals] Janis: [doing that thing where you keep shoulder bumping each other as you walk Jimmy: [always gotta be touching we see you both] Janis: [back at the park, get under that slide/climbing frame moment 'cos shelter/privacy] Jimmy: [doodling another JJ heart under there like he did earlier but like nobody's seeing it you blatant nerd] Janis: [love that for you, 'they let you do foam art at CG?'] Jimmy: [shows her pics on the CG insta of the hipster bullshit they do, like if we wanna call that art] Janis: [nods like fairplay] Jimmy: [don't worry boy you can live your best art hoe life at the next place but for now he gives her the sharpie so she can write/draw something if she want] Janis: ['no pressure' 😏 but pondering 5eva with the pen in your mouth like a cute ass hoe] Jimmy: [sneaky 😍 cos she's so cute bye] Janis: [draws the hearteyes emoji then does some graf slagging of Mia and co for the lols] Jimmy: [then he draws a skeleton with daggers coming from the eyes cos dats Mia's reaction to the heart eyes] Janis: [lols and draws a herd of sad cows behind her for the squad] Jimmy: [adds like you know when its a ufo and the beam stereotypically but it's a coffee cup with coffee spilling out if you get me] Janis: [draws him in the ufo/coffee cup window like hey] Jimmy: [lols cos the little him & adds her running away with a smoothie in hand but obvs blowing him a kiss as she goes with the other cos] Jimmy: [when you're just passing the pen & bottle between you how coupley af] Janis: [tries to look unamused but fails, draws an OTT sexy Pete with his arms open waiting for her] Jimmy: [tries not to look jealous af but is 😒 cos drunk & no way to control it but draws the band mates in a van HONKING at Pete like get in loser we're famous & changes the open arms to waving bye with dem movement lines haha] Janis: [draws broken heart emoji over her chest and puts devil horns on him and an evil laugh bubble] Jimmy: [draws a little orchestra like the instruments with legs chasing her and one of them has an umbrella open cos there's a sad raincloud over her head now] Janis: [draws her hair even crazier 'cos rain and puts some headphones on 'cos can't hear you beech and does like dust clouds behind her 'cos can't catch me either] Jimmy: [draws a horse shitting money just behind her following cos always taking the piss that she has one] Janis: [draws one of the cows tryna hand him loads of money 'cos grace soz gurl] Jimmy: [puts a ✖ through Grace how rude] Janis: [puts a question mark next to the extra tall one like hmm] Jimmy: [turns it into a little 🐍] Janis: [turns one of the other cows into a skeleton cow with heart eyes like pls] Jimmy: [draws the gun thing they use to kill cows in an abattoir coming for the Mia cow] Janis: [draws a burger that looks so mad to be a burger about to be nommed by a really fat person] Jimmy: [draws a pie next to it waiting to be eaten cos #northern bants] Janis: [draws angel of the north on top but makes her look more like that northern lass stereotype] Jimmy: [draws his dad flirting with the angel but has to draw a dad name tag cos she don't know Ian yet] Janis: [draws christ the redeemer and her having a moment] Jimmy: [lols and another ✖ haha] Janis: [draws zombie jesus coming for him] Jimmy: [Twix has stolen zombie jesus' foot in his addition] Janis: [lols but can't think of anything else so puts a little crown with a poo emoji on him] Jimmy: [draws another cloud but instead of rain it's smoke cos lighting up a new 🚬 IRL] Janis: [writes whatever warning label is on the pack in the cloud] Jimmy: [draws a 🚬 crying cos the haters] Janis: draws them group hugging it and is also like pass me that tah IRL] Jimmy: [draws the 💕 cos true love & obvs does pass her the 🚬 #alsotrueloveamIright] Janis: [when you're just spinning the sharpie now, smoking, thinking] Jimmy: [when you're drinking & looking at her and trying to think about spin the bottle comparisons lol] Janis: [when you go to pass it back so you look at him too like oh hey eye contact] Jimmy: [having a shameless moment cos add to that touching her way more than you need to when you take it] Janis: [taking the bottle when you do for something to do] Jimmy: [casually asking her why she's not in his art class like the nerd he is] Janis: ['don't take the piss!' 'cos when people in your fam can art really well, you wouldn't reckon you were any good even if you're pretty solid] Jimmy: ['I weren't' cos genuinely isn't 'be a laugh if you were there, that's all'] Janis: [shrugs 'bet it already is, like, you must be one of the few lads that does it?'] Jimmy: [shrugs back cos we all know the kind of peeps that take art, not a mood for him] Janis: [let's say they're sitting opposite and taps him with her foot like come on] Jimmy: ['what?' but again not said in a mardy way] Janis: ['I dunno' 'cos truly] Jimmy: [playfully taps her back with his foot] Janis: [footsie moment] Jimmy: [a LOOK because we all know what's up] Janis: [hits hit back with a what but with feeling] Jimmy: [when you're just looking at her lips shamelessly like] Janis: [crawls forward so she's up in his face like 'WHAT'] Jimmy: [pushing her hair out of her face so you can REALLY get that good eye contact cos two fave things] Janis: [just a staring contest rn] Jimmy: [he's gotta kiss her cos there's no way that's not a thing don't smack her head off the slide or anything please] Janis: [so that's happening bye] Jimmy: [when you've wanted to do that this whole night so it's just intense af] Janis: [you're gonna have to stop this at some point girl but not yet 'cos as into it] Jimmy: [enjoy your make out session kids] Janis: [when you have to stop 'cos your phone will not stop blowing up now it's late late] Jimmy: [awks cos boy how are you gonna just go back to chilling like you're not still breathing heavily and feeling all that] Janis: [angrily telling your dad to go away lmao] Jimmy: [soz caleb but when that reminds you that you have siblings that need you, welcome to his guilty mind] Janis: [when the moment has been murdered so you get out of your love nest to pace and light a new 🚬] Jimmy: [when you have to go but you don't wanna just leave her here alone so you sit on the slide & chug so much of the booze that you lowkey feel sick] Janis: [when you give him a look like wtf but you don't say anything 'cos mewd tbh] Jimmy: [when you also don't 100% know the way home either awks] Janis: ['you can go, like'] Jimmy: [when you start walking in the wrong direction cos always lost] Janis: [shouting 'd'ya want a cab or?'] Jimmy: [waves her off like nah 'leave it out, rich girl' also loud] Janis: [when you don't wanna leave it but also what do you say 'cept 'don't die'] Jimmy: ['you ain't getting rid that easy, Juliet'] Janis: [laughs] Janis: text me when you get home safe babe xoxo Jimmy: 🤞 Janis: if you're getting murdered, probably go 999 straight away Jimmy: nah, I'll give 'em your number Jimmy: I know you don't wanna live without the love of your life 😘 Janis: or I just want the nutter caught 'fore he makes his way down here, like Janis: either or 😘 Jimmy: 🥔🍅 Janis: 😂 Janis: how did you find them in this state Jimmy: what state are you on about? 🤐 Janis: alright Janis: just weak at the knees for me then Janis: wobbling off Jimmy: Yeah 💕 Janis: funny Jimmy: Are you still there? Janis: yeah Jimmy: alright Jimmy: where the fuck am I? Janis: Oh great Janis: well where are you trying to be, first off Jimmy: where do you think? Janis: obviously but I don't know where you live, idiot Jimmy: what kind of fake girlfriend Janis: shut up and send me your location Jimmy: [does] Janis: k, do you know your address even a little or Jimmy: Am I 5? Jimmy: lived here for a month, you know Janis: alright, don't get defensive Jimmy: don't be a dickhead Janis: well send it to me then or am I meant to guess Jimmy: you're enough of a know-it-all I'm surprised you already aren't taking guesses Janis: stay lost then dickhead Jimmy: 👍 Janis: see you when you circle on yourself, like Jimmy: looking forward to it 😍😍😍 Janis: 😏 Janis: such an idiot Jimmy: such a flirt you Jimmy: trying to find my way home if you don't mind Janis: like you said, if I was flirting with you I'd call you much worse Janis: and like I said, give me your address and I can direct you so Jimmy: come with me Jimmy: not a castle or owt but a sofa's better than a park bench Janis: You're alright Janis: I'll be good here Jimmy: There ain't a puppy here Jimmy: Use your big head Janis: Is there really Janis: 'cos you just sounded like a massive creeper tbh Jimmy: [sends photographic evidence of Twix's existence and the fact she's obvs his] Jimmy: [I like to imagine he's accidentally also sent random pics of him cos drunk] Janis: 😍😍😍 Janis: well throw in some free sweets and I'm yours, obvs Jimmy: I'm well photogenic me, you should know that by now, mate Jimmy: and yeah, our kid is 6, sweets I can do Janis: Better behind the 📷 Jimmy: when bae backhands you a good one 💕 Jimmy: so complimentary Janis: overarm ain't bad either Jimmy: duh such an athlete Jimmy: you gonna run to me or what? Janis: 💪 Janis: if you ain't gonna tell me where you live I'll have to, like Janis: can't let you go missing on my watch Jimmy: not while you still need me Janis: Would be potentially awkward explaining the whole fake dating deal to another lad at this point, yeah Jimmy: and that you didn't murder me Jimmy: she caught feelings so 🎯🔪🔪 Jimmy: 👻👻👻 RIP northern lad Janis: might be into that Janis: #kinkunlocked Janis: and *he Janis: drunk texting Jimmy: Nah, I meant you little miss knifeplay Janis: shut up then Janis: and you don't have a knife, just a sharpie Jimmy: just pleased to see you, babe Janis: 🙄 God Janis: drink MUST be wearing off, you're getting annoying again Jimmy: 💔💔💔 Jimmy: next time I'll swipe you two bottles Janis: n'awh Janis: it was very impressive Janis: and there's no hiding two bottles down your trousers, like Jimmy: #savage Jimmy: I get why you 💘 Jesus, give then take away as quick, you Janis: Oh, I thought we were gonna speculate on Jesus' massive dick Jimmy: 😂 Janis: I'm sure it was Janis: your own da ain't gonna do you like that, is he Jimmy: Mine would if he could Janis: Luckily designer babies are still unethical/he ain't god then Jimmy: 👍 Janis: not that we're here to talk about yours Janis: thanks Jimmy: weren't volunteering Janis: Good Janis: 👰🏽 of christ and only interested in his Janis: don't spread that about though Jimmy: But I want everyone to know my girlfriend will only spread her legs for her imaginary friend, like Jimmy: Tweet's already been sent Janis: such a way with words Janis: don't think anyone could blame me 😒 Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: if you actually roll your eyes rn you'll never get 'em back Jimmy: challenge accepted Janis: have fun Janis: loser Jimmy: 💪🏆 Jimmy: done, what else you got, knobhead? Janis: wait and see Jimmy: ⏲🏃 Janis: [give her a min or two to run up on him like boo bitch] Jimmy: [you know he's gonna be shook lol when you have to act like you didn't just shit yourself] Janis: [lols and turns him 'round like first of all] Jimmy: [when you trying to be grumpy but you're shamelessly happy to see her] Janis: ['thought I'd never see you again' but 🤞 with it obvs #bants] Jimmy: [an IRL playful eye roll like see I can do it and also shhh] Janis: ['impressive'] Jimmy: [gives her a flirty look that's meant to be be a pisstake like you ain't seen nothing yet vibes but we all know is serious] Janis: [shakes head like disgusting but clearly not over that kiss/ it ain't forgotten yet like and it shows, 'focus, boy'] Jimmy: [when you had the bottle with you so you finished it and that shows because you're standing way closer to her than you need to] Janis: [more eye contact, 'do you want me to come back with you or not?'] Jimmy: [you know he's drunk cos he's gonna answer a question omg 'I want you to come back with me'] Janis: ['come on then' and gestures like where we going boy] Jimmy: [tells her where he lives cos we ain't getting very far otherwise] Janis: [maps that out and starts walking in the opposite direction he was of course, taking his hand 'cos necessitiy duh] Jimmy: [it's ONLY so he don't get lost okay nothing to see here] Janis: [obvs, don't read anything into this people] Jimmy: [just walking & hand holding] Janis: [when you've gotta swing it like he's a child so this isn't too serious] Jimmy: ['thought we'd covered I weren't 5' but again no real pisstake happening] Janis: ['what are you then?'] Jimmy: ['what do you mean?'] Janis: [shrugs, 'vague for a reason, meant to interpret, artsy boy'] Jimmy: [shrugs back 'I ain't in art class now and you ain't signed up to it'] Janis: ['alright, comfortable silence it is then'] Jimmy: [more walking and hand holding nbd] Janis: ['can't believe you drank it all though, twat'] Jimmy: ['sorry' but 😏 'you can have more when we get back' not soz about sacrificing your stash Ian 'can't knock drink & a puppy, mate'] Janis: [lols and nudges him with her shoulder 'stop being so fucking creepy!'] Jimmy: ['only way to keep you at arms length that' but a LOOK cos we all know he don't wanna and hasn't gotten over the kiss yet either] Janis: ['oh, please' rolls her eyes but is 😳 'I'm only walking you home to be a gentleman, you're the one inviting me in'] Jimmy: ['I reckon its pretty gentlemanly of me not to leave you to sleep in a park, but if you wanna go back that bad, go on'] Janis: ['It's not a big deal, like' looks at him like he's being so drama but still amused enough 'let's get you in first, yeah'] Jimmy: ['I can get myself in, not that pissed, girl' starts walking ahead like he's gonna prove himself with that, okay boy] Janis: [catches up easily, obvs, 'yeah I walked all this way for you to strop off, come on'] Jimmy: ['why did you?'] Janis: ['what do you mean?'] Jimmy: [I mean what I said, why come with me?'] Janis: ['cos you were clearly lost and I'm not that much of a dick that I'll just let you wander 'round 'til morning, like'] Jimmy: ['it's not a big deal, so you reckon'] Janis: ['Well, I weren't lost, it's different'] Jimmy: ['you weren't no safer, same bollocks really'] Janis: ['Yeah I was, I know my way around here, who to avoid, all that'] Jimmy: [lights a 🚬 cos letting that drop when you know you can't win 'do you even wanna come?' needy boy alert] Janis: ['do you want me to?' when he's already answered this and you're suddenly him like ???] Jimmy: ['do you wanna?'] Janis: ['I mean, yeah, if it's alright, why not'] Jimmy: [when you just pass her the 🚬 cos yeah its obvs alright with him] Janis: [big ole drag] Jimmy: [when you've got no reason to go back to hand holding but you just wanna so you take hers this time] Janis: [looks but doesn't comment] Jimmy: [we walking lads] Janis: [please try to be quiet when you arrive, like] Jimmy: [they so shouldn't be though cos then Bobby can wake up & cockblock them lol] Janis: [good idea, let that happen] Jimmy: [start as we mean to go on cos he's always doing it down the line] Janis: night Jimmy: I don't get a good one then? Janis: probably not Janis: not got loads of youngers but that's how that goes, yeah? Jimmy: 🎻🎻🎻 Janis: lullabies work better Janis: even I know that Jimmy: Pete ain't here to sing for us and I'm not looking to traumatise the kid Janis: 💔 Janis: we all wish Pete was here Jimmy: Slide into his DMs Jimmy: sure he'd pick you up, mate Janis: at this o'clock Janis: and this wasted Janis: rather hit up the park again Jimmy: Go on then Janis: rude Janis: you said i could crash here Jimmy: you can Jimmy: you're the one 💔 by your lack of better offers Jimmy: I already knew it was shit here Janis: tonight is just like any other night Janis: nothing personal Jimmy: alright, rich girl Jimmy: got it Janis: what do you get Jimmy: your bollocks little memo there Janis: I dunno what you're chatting Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: helpful Janis: night then Jimmy: 👍 Janis: what times your dad likely to get up Jimmy: what time is it now? Janis: [some late into the AM time] Jimmy: you might get 7 hours Jimmy: if you piss off to sleep now Janis: we'll call it 6 Janis: 👍 Jimmy: longer if he's got a mrs in there Jimmy: probably will do Janis: well don't reckon I'll stay around to say hello to her either, like Jimmy: I've got work in a bit, go when I leave if you want Janis: long as its you that wakes up to me here I ain't arsed Jimmy: 👌 Janis: sorted Jimmy: 😘😘😘😘 Janis: Piss off 😏 Jimmy: say the sweetest things to me, you Janis: you want sweet I'll go public, like Jimmy: on you go then Janis: [posts something cringe-inducing on his timeline] Jimmy: 💕 Jimmy: [replies obvs but there's a flirty undertone that's real af] Janis: [just lowkey flirting this is why y'all get confused[ Jimmy: [stop but don't ever thank you] Janis: how did you do this for real Janis: it's so gross Jimmy: I didn't do all the #s and bollocks Jimmy: It weren't like this Janis: Fair Janis: you don't have to be this level of cringe, I guess Jimmy: you wanna scale it back? Janis: nah Janis: what we need to do Janis: playing to a dense audience Jimmy: 👍 Janis: it ain't real if you don't shove it down everyone's throats Janis: and even then Jimmy: how you paddys do it Jimmy: well #extra Janis: dunno about that Janis: maybe Jimmy: everythings !!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jimmy: even speak like it Janis: fuck off do I speak like that Janis: just 'cos it takes you 10 years to finish a sentence Jimmy: that's just me Jimmy: don't wanna talk to none of you, like Janis: yeah yeah Jimmy: nowt personal, as you said Janis: what do i care Janis: don't speak to anyone either if i can avoid it Jimmy: I noticed Janis: and what Jimmy: why I picked you for this Jimmy: one of the reasons Janis: gwan then Jimmy: ? Janis: don't pussy out Janis: what are the others Jimmy: to be unlocked Janis: ugh Janis: fuck off Jimmy: alright Jimmy: in a bit Janis: 🙄 Janis: okay Jimmy: isn't Jimmy: #obvs Janis: is Janis: you got to sleep Janis: just didn't know you were such a cocktease Jimmy: could be a kink for all you know Jimmy: which is nowt Janis: no, I'm a know-it-all remember Jimmy: that's how you reckon you are, not how it is, Jillian Janis: bollocks Jimmy: you've got my name and where I'm from 'cause my voice fits Jimmy: nowt else Janis: if you want people to leave you alone, drop the fit and mysterious bit Janis: everyone knows my business and no one fucks with me much Janis: easy Jimmy: yeah so easy you've had to get me to be your fake love interest Janis: no one knows everything they reckon they do Janis: just straightening some things out, literally Jimmy: Punny Janis: Hilarious too Janis: I remember, even if you're hazy Jimmy: vaguely threatening, who said romance was 💀💀? Janis: you will be tomorrow Janis: not a threat, literal facts at this point Jimmy: I'll live Jimmy: there's your day's disappointment ✔ Janis: sweet that you're getting a head start there Janis: but whether you live or die has no influence on me either way 😘 Jimmy: 💕 Janis: cute tho Jimmy: so everyone keeps telling me Janis: 😂 Janis: loving the confidence Jimmy: I got that from you, yeah Jimmy: love you too, girl Janis: that's a photo caption if I ever heard one Janis: remember Jimmy: 👌 Jimmy: [comes to get a glass of water as if that's remotely gonna help & you aren't shameless boy] Janis: [casual hissing like 'you could've fucking warned me' 'cos died thinking it was someone else lol] Jimmy: ['You had me topless earlier, I didn't reckon you'd need one' such a dickhead and so 😏 sipping his water thinking about those bodyshots] Janis: [throws a pillow at him like this isn't someone else's house have some manners] Jimmy: [is all faux offended like oi rude but comes and puts the pillow back instead of throwing it like it's not just a shameless excuse to sit down near her] Janis: ['you got manners now?'] Jimmy: ['now?' an eyebrow raise 'I got you a bottle when you wanted one, what's better manners?'] Janis: ['STOLE but you know, guess you've got me there' 😏] Jimmy: ['Duh, got you right where I want you, that creeper, me'] Janis: ['said that was to keep me away so piss poor job, if you ask me'] Jimmy: ['I also said there'd be a puppy but do you see her? Nah, full of shit this dickhead'] Janis: [gasps dramatically but quietly lol] Jimmy: [when you're trying not to smile cos she a cute nerd but you fail cos you drunk and amused] Janis: ['did you lie about the sweets too?'] Jimmy: [gets up, gets sweets and throws them at her but more softly than usual like into her lap as he sits back down cos be quiet boy] Janis: [looks at him like okay 'one outta two ain't bad, like' and offers him some] Jimmy: [shrugs 'if you want me to wake my sister an' all, I'll get the dog' takes a lollipop cos 1. they take ages to eat and he wants to stay 2. he's a saucy bitch] Janis: ['nah, you're alright' 'when you now distracted af, 'scuse you] Jimmy: [when you're trying to give her a look like yeah I knew you didn't want Twix that bad but you're just giving her a LOOK cos blatant] Janis: [when you take the lolly like you really wanted it okay bitch] Jimmy: [when you should care but you're the one who's distracted af now] Janis: [pass it back like it's a smoke or a bottle] Jimmy: [these flirty nerds] Janis: [ze tension] Jimmy: [so much eye contact when he's not shamelessly looking at her mouth, boy please] Janis: ['what?' 'cos always] Jimmy: [repeats it back cos always] Janis: [she can initiate it this time] Jimmy: [give them some good making out time before I ruin it like a rude bitch] Janis: [then you gotta run girl run[ Jimmy: [my vibe is like he name drops cos he wants to slow things down cos SO INTO IT & fucking on his sofa rn having to be really quiet in the dark is not an ideal mood for many a reason so her name comes out cos that whole relationship was hot mess express full of mistakes not cos he's still really into that northern lass but obvs not getting the chance to explain cos it looks how it looks] Janis: [I feel it] Jimmy: [you better hope she don't remember this boy cos it seems like you were really into it and wanna get back with your ex] Janis: [mhmm but she won't obvs just remember she left for a reason so awks] Jimmy: [take that over calling her the most northern name ever that don't begin with J, no styling that out as bants] Jimmy: [when you can't even go after her or make the attempt cos what are you gonna say?] Janis: [that's that on that, like to think mcvickers live nearby so she doesn't need to stay out/go home home rn] Jimmy: [I'll allow it, stay safe thank you children]

for the record, I did watch the latest Flux ep, I just happened to do so in the middle of a series of emotionally draining days that haven’t even ended yet, so I haven’t had the energy to get excited or have a ton of thoughts on it. So obviously that could totally be why I’m saying this, but I sort of feel like this was the weakest episode in this season so far? I didn’t dislike it, I just felt like there wasn’t much in it (which I know doesn’t really makes sense given its content & cliffhanger) but it felt super short to me, like it ended almost as soon as it began, even with bbc america’s an-ad-every-five-seconds policy. Idk, maybe I’m just not in a headspace that’s receptive to investing myself in new media rn? More specific/potentially spoilery thoughts under the cut:

OK I know I just said I’ve been dealing with a lot lately but the “Your door was open//It most certainly was not//It was once I opened it” bit? Peak comedy, probably my fave part of the episode, and that’s not to trash talk the rest of the it, this bit was just one of the few things I laughed at this weekend.

I think part of the reason I was disappointed by this ep was because I had pretty high expectations - Claire seemed both cool & mysterious in her cameo in part one, the angels always get hyped when they turn up (fair dues, they’re pretty scary), and I’m a sucker for the 60s. And then to add to that, once the episode starts it becomes pretty clear right away that Claire is almost certainly turning into an angel, and I spent all the commercial breaks between the scene with the mirror to the scene with the Contact thinking about how cool it would’ve been to see Amy turn in Season 5 when they first introduced the concept (don’t get me wrong, I adore her and all the Pond family and Season 5 so long-term, I’m glad they didn’t do that to her, it’s just such an interesting/horrifying concept to float, it has to technically be a bit of a missed opportunity that it didn’t happen then and then failed to come up again until now, but I digress). Anyways, I was really looking forward to what I thought would basically be what Amy avoided in Time of Angels/Flesh and Stone, and I thought it’d work here because Claire wasn’t a main recurring character we’d miss hugely, but she was likeable enough for it to hit home for that to be her fate. So basically, when they added the Division stuff not just on top of that but like, as the major element that both caused the plot and resolved it, I was less into it.

That country road ending in space was a wonderful bit of visual storytelling! When the little girl said not to leave the village, I was expecting the 2021 FX equivalent of the bubble around the town in The Daemons, so I was really blown away. Also, take it from someone who only understands very limited areas of physics - I sure as shit don’t actually know what ‘quantum extraction’ means, but that one shot made it pretty damn clear the town had been taken out of space and time to act as a trap/hunting ground, I just hadn’t guessed it was for a specific target, (which is good, since I’m sure they didn’t intend for us to realize that bit yet anyway).

At one point in this episode (I think it was shortly after Yaz & Dan got sent to 1901? idk, it didn’t really matter) it just struck me how great Dan and Donna would mesh as co-companions. Again, nothing very specific brought this thought on, but I also feel like it doesn’t need justifying. Of course maybe it does, and maybe if I have a greater number of functioning braincells at some point later in the week I might return to that thought with something real to say - but for now, just imagine Dan and Donna, I think it’d be neat.

Like I said before, I didn’t really dis-like anything in particular about the episode, but I did feel like I blinked (no pun intended) and it was over. And maybe that’s part of my own real-life fogginess this weekend and nobody else felt that way, but if I had to watch any episode like that, I’m sort of glad it was this one instead of one I liked better (if that makes sense). Maybe it’s because I was all ready to be hardcore into the mysterious little village with a missing little girl in a churchyard at night vibes, and that part of the story got left behind (understandably) when it became clear that this was a Division thing (maybe I had just hoped this episode would be more stand-alone than it was?).

Frankly, I’m still a little fuzzy on what exactly happened in terms of the village mystery - the angels sent Claire back in time by accident, then tracked her there because of the deserter agent hiding inside her, and I guess to not screw things up again this time, they decided to scoop the whole town out of spacetime while they searched it? And in the process they sent everyone back to 1901 and then also killed them there for some reason? (I’m not complaining if that’s the case, my first theory while watching the episode was that the Flux had devastated the universe so badly that the angels cordoned off the town like a farm, because they needed a reliable source of energy/food, so them continuing to kill regardless of finding Claire doesn’t seem unlikely, I was just excited for that traditional kind of mystery - which I think angels work well with - so I was a little bummed it had to go by the wayside for bigger and more relevant things).

I still appreciated the atmosphere of the episode at the beginning, with the dark and the fog and the whole town walking the fields looking for a little girl (and I thought the quick but clear characterization of her relationship with her guardians was well-done too), it just stopped being that kind of story by the end, which is fine, but it happened to change to something I’m personally not as partial to. The real issue was that I didn’t fully come to terms with the fact that we’d moved away from an eerie small-town mystery into Flux-centric territory until pretty late in the game - when the angels’ arms started coming through the walls, I didn’t think too much of it (I thought it was cool, and I’m not bothered by adding to/altering the lore with things like that or the paper projection or the talking through the tv stuff). But shortly after, when the older Peggy retroactively (from the audience’s POV, at least) explained that the earth was full of angels/stone that had been there for centuries (?), that was when it really hit me that we’d swapped genres - because that would’ve been such a great piece of foreshadowing/clue if this was still about solving the whole ‘Cursed Town’ thing, but since we’d already seen the result before that, we had clearly moved into the sort of complicated action-adventure plot and away from spooky disappearances, you know?

As for the angels themselves, I’m kind of torn. I think they’re pretty scary as Doctor Who monster concepts go, but I don’t know if they’re always used all that well. Obviously Blink works, and I think it would even if it weren’t their first appearance - I think most Dr Who monsters we’re accustomed to could make a really fresh story when the protagonists are characters to whom the Doctor & co are just part of the weirdness, who don’t have the knowledge, resources, or history of that character to help them. And I think Time of Angels/Flesh and Stone also works well, because even though the angels are up against a much more prepared team with the Doctor, River, and the military cleric guys who went there looking for one, they themselves also get more powerful, with their numbers and the image stuff being introduced for the first time, as well as the threat of Amy becoming one. All that’s super scary and revealed well over time for maximum impact, but I do wonder if it makes the angels too powerful in the end? Because if you don’t have a massive time-eating crack lying around to defeat them, how are you ever really supposed to believe they won’t win? So as cool as the ending to this episode was visually, I can’t say it was that much of a shock because, yeah, you really can’t come up with a believable way for a character to escape from that many weeping angels now can you?

I started to wonder if this whole episode mainly existed as a vehicle to get us to whatever status quo the writers needed for the start of the next installment, but again, maybe that’s not fair - even if it’s not just a matter of me being out of it while watching this, the teaser tells us Yaz & Dan have spent three years in that era - which presumably returned to normal spacetime once the angels left with their prize? - and Jericho and Peggy might well still be around with Yaz & Dan, so who’s to say any of those things I was sad to see dropped about the village really were? It’s possible that the context of these four time-displaced individuals being the only survivors of an apparently-cursed village could be very relevant to whatever developments have occurred between episodes, even though the ‘mystery’ of the angels has been  solved, so I’d feel foolish declaring the setting wasted or anything like that just yet, but it did feel like a touch underused - almost red herring-ish?

Speaking of spending 3 years in the early 1900s - I really really hope that means that next week’s episode (whether it’s Doctor-lite or not, which I’ve heard some ppl in the fandom speculating about) gives Yaz and Dan their dues in terms of character development & focus. Focus is probably the bigger one here because I absolutely do feel like they’ve been undergoing character development all along, it just hasn’t been what the screentime was devoted to. Which I understand, Dr Who is episodic scifi, not a true drama or a soap (though different eras have always handled that in different proportions, for better or for worse) and it would be strange and against genre if it one day decided to spend an uncharacteristic amount of the script & screentime solely focused on character development. But it always has to spend some, and I hope that the whole “lived in the past for a few years” thing means we’ll get a healthy dose of it for both companions, and the writers spent less time on them in the episodes so far because they knew Ep #5 was gonna be their big one.

That said, next week is already looking kind of jam-packed so we’ll see how the balancing act goes - of course, this is just an excuse to talk about UNIT, now. Kate Stewart! I’m thrilled, which is odd because I’m not technically that huge of a fan of the more recent UNIT stuff (I mean, I think I enjoyed 10′s UNIT stories more than 11 or 12′s, but I think that’s because I often felt like I was missing some context or continuity between the two that just didn’t exist. Still, I’m glad to see Kate, and I’m hopeful that since she & UNIT have been MIA for so long, they’ll get a good reintroduction that alleviates that issue and doesn’t make me feel a step behind, if that makes sense? I’m sure there isn’t room in the penultimate Flux episode for UNIT to be the main attraction, but I kind of like that, the simpler the explanation for their involvement is, the better, I think.

I still don’t understand how we got thru a whole ep without muttonchop man or swarm, and with hardly seeing vinder or azure, but the bottom line might well be that I just need to revisit this sometime when I’ve got a clearer head, and then maybe the episode won’t seem to fly by so much? We’ll see