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allthatwehear · 4 years

Text

so i don’t forget.

I don’t really want to be writing this. In fact, I’m pretty mad about it; I’m mad at him, frustrated at him, but I know there were a lot of self-growing moments, and it would be nice to document them for future-Sarah to read. Because though it was brief, that briefness was filled with laughs, and late-night drives & swims, and boos, and feeling good about my body, and cigarette smoke and listening to his friends play their guitars and sing. And it felt like a glorious little dip into summer; like someone opened a portal, just for a quick moment, and I got sucked in & felt deliriously unlike myself but so, so happy for the difference of it. Of course it spat me back out; I think things that are too good to be true often are, too good to be true (or last). And so I am writing this feeling a bit reluctant, a bit melancholy (a lot, melancholy, actually) but after I have all the details out, I can choose when or not I want to look at this again/think about it again.

It all started at a march. a busy weekend - now that I’m remembering, it was a few days before, I was talking on the phone with my mom, I think telling her how badly I was doing with depressive thoughts, and it made her happy to hear that I was going to Sonja’s for the weekend (probably going to ride some horses), on my way to Marta’s house for 4th of July. Sonja and I were going to go to a protest on the capitol, Olympia, on the 4th of July & I just thought that was so cool. I saw Jonny running around and being all cool; he was part of the protest team, literally, and even Sonja’s grandpa gave a speech. Jonny came up and said hi to us; I was wearing a black, long summerdress, which reflecting on feels really stupid because you don’t exactly like, dress nice in a march: more of dress practically. My big ol’ flower mask. I didn’t think too much of Jonny, my eyes mostly distracted by the fucking BABE in the wheelchair (you know who dat is), but Jonny constantly caught my eye, too. He was wearing red suspenders. And long black pants. And damn. The suspenders made his butt look so good. And he longish blond hair in a scrunchy -- a scrunchy -- and in a way that was kinda nerdy and very Gundersen-esque. So no I didn’t think he was sexy; but I thought he was artistic, and farm-ey, and very, very passionate. I think he looked at me a few times. Knowing now, Luke was there too, and he looked at me a few times too. Later in the day, Sonja encouraged me to reach out to Jonny because he is very involved with protests “in Seattle, too” and I immediately found him on Instagram. I asked if he’d like to go to some protests some time.

I think just two days went by and this guy, was already asking to call me (mind you, I’m running on grief-fumes which basically means nothing -- and I’m like, a fucking phone call with a stranger..? you’ve got to be kidding me..) I was out on a run, so I was like, why not. He talked to me as he was driving home from his parents home, in Bellingham. We talked and it was super natural; he was lighthearted and fun. And we tried to brainstorm a protest for that night. But in the end he asked me to go get beers at a park/by the water. And I declined, and hungout with Shannon & Hannah cause that’s what I preferred. I sent him a pic of Shannon’s lizard though, BirdLady, for fun.

We finally met up at Gas Works on a super hella busy beautiful evening. He was sitting there with his bike. I was not attracted to him at all. He had this bushy blond mustache and I was like, haha I don’t think I could ever be attracted to someone with a mustache. So I decided that night he’d just be a sweet friend. And we kept talking and had alllll these similarities. He grew up homeschooled (what the??), in the church, pretty sheltered, had a big family, had some family issues. He is an artist; he went on tour with his brother, Noah Gundersen, instead of going to college & sometimes that was something he felt inferior about. Sometimes he thinks about going to college? But he read a lot & we agreed that honestly, with our homeschooled upbringing, we’re pretty damn good at just self-teaching. He is Sonja’s cousin, so he knew her farm well. He said he was almost gonna be there the day I bucked hay with Sonja’s family, and I thought how funny that would be, if he had been there. He was really sweet. And sort of invited me to come hangout later at his place, but I was so deadbeat tired from just socializing -- I was still a drained little kiddo.

And things sort of flourished from there. We met up at some actual protests and that was a fucking blast. It was for ICE, the second one, and I watched them all on their bikes be complete badasses. And people started to break windows at the courthouse or something and Kenzi & the girls I was with were scared. But I got this huge push & fuel in me and I wanted to keep going, so essentially I dragged the girls to join bike brigade with me and we tailed them around. Jonny was still in suspenders and he still had his hair tied back. I wondered what he would look like without his hair tied back, with it loose, and without his mustache.

Things were really rocky and weird at first with Jonny -- perhaps that’s why this hurts even more, because I eventually overcame the uncomfortability and kept trying -- until I did feel super good and super happy -- and then all of that effort, for it to come to a halt. I don’t think anyone understands how hard that was for me, to push myself in such different angles to be Jonny’s friend, to be a part of his world and life. But Sonja told me last night not to change for people -- because if you do, “how far are you going to go?”, and I think that was true. It rang through my head, “would it mean I would literally make myself polyamarous for him? Am I seriously fucking considering that -- would I consider that?” Jonny never said he was looking for a relationship. We actually never defined anything at all. But we spent so much time together; like literally, almost every other day, I’d wait out on things until he texted me that afternoon, and it was off to Seward Park to dip and drink and talk, or to Niah & Luke’s house where they made us an incredible salmon dinner and sang us some of their songs, or it was a barbecue and a few firepits at Jonny’s house..

One of the second times he wanted to see me, it was like a movie. I was taking a dreary walk to Fred Meyer & back. Not sure who I talked to on the phone on the way (as is my custom), but probably like my mom. I was feeling fucking depressed. I’d say that if I go on walks to Fred Meyer it tends to be cause I’m fucking sad and I just need to like, walk, but then sometimes the walk makes me more depressed. Anyways. Jonny was sort of buggin’ to hangout. He did that a lot; bug to hangout. But at first the hangouts felt pretty sexually-driven; often offers to “come over and watch something”, some ish. I’m not kidding, I was hella scared and intimidated by him -- yet I didn’t leave..? Idk. Something got me, I guess. I spent more time with him and fell for him; how it goes, I guess. But I remember this night. I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t get myself to fucking try any new hangout with a new person today. So I told him, straight up, that I was sorry for my flakyness but I’ve lost my sibling recently. And it was a flood of sympathetic, very kind messages; offers to bring ice cream, to watch parks and rec, to bring something uplifting and sweet. And we talked/joked back and forth a bit about some things. And he was rapid-fire responding. And it was really really sweet. I felt comforted by his kindness, in that moment. And some of the other times I’ve seen him, by the fire, when he is telling me about his older brother and the sexual assault allegations that were unraveling, he expressed that I could tell him things about grief if I wanted. That he wanted to know about it because he didn’t know much about it.

And I think I just started to fall for this guys heart. I got through the initial INSANE worries of “oh shit he just wants to sleep with me” “damn he’s moving really fast; asking me to stay the night after the first fireplace hang cause he’s ‘very attracted to me’”, him telling me openly about his sexuality (or, like, his sexual rhthyms/patterns I guess..? thank god, he doesn’t just jump right into sex,” but it seemed to make him think for a bit “what he actually wants”, and I had to send some messages to him and communicate a lot. And reflecting on it, I don’t know exactly how I got whipped into comfortability/those hesitancies I had before didn’t apply anymore -- it just kind of, happened. And we moved slow & we did things outside his room - date things; things that I agree would appear relationship-like to ANY person experiencing them.

His musician boys fell in love with me. And I sort of felt like this queen. Being in the presence of and hanging out with this legitimate rockstar -

I learned to like the fucking dark moles on his back. And I found and listened to his music on Spotfiy; and I fell in love with “Paste” and he told me it was about a girl from awhile ago. And he said he was messin’ around with non-monogamy because he often gets lost in his relationships, like sort of codependent & I just thought that meant that he falls/loves too hard, and that that was similar to me and I told him, driving to South Park to visit Niah & Luke for the first time. And I felt like I swooned whenever he took out that reddish/velvet scrunchie, cause his hair would come down and I could smooth my fingers through it. And there was legit the second night we spent in his bed together, that after kissing/just sort of being together for a bit, he just looked at me for the looongest time with slightly slanted eyes & I got so uncomfortable, I said “what?” and giggled & felt hella awkward, but he was just looking.

And there was the night I sat at the teach-in, recorded-speech evening at Jimi Hendrix park with ATIYEH. & I walked up the steps to see Jonny & his gang, hanging out and drinking and I remember being annoyed that they brought drinks to an educational event and I mentally questioned his true allyship. And he was wearing suspenders, and a low (LOL, purposeful, eh?) button-down shirt and I felt soooo attracted. And I was wearing an oversized blue tee with my hippie pants on that make my butt look fucking FINE. Oh, and I was with Atiyeh. Think I was slightly pissy at Jonny that day for some reason. I think it was because we had that morning/night where he had to “question” what he wanted (whether he wanted to be with me?) because I had told him I didn’t want to have sex yet/that’s complicated & I don’t know what I was looking for -- just to have fun, sort of, but I am also going through hella shit. And it felt like that was a barrier for him and I hated that and thought that I should be important enough not to have to be physical with. So I showed up with Atiyeh. And we both stayed & talked to an artist for awhile. But I was feeling fucking ansty and like I wanted to go into some fucking water or do some crazy shit so I pulled up with them at nude beach in seattle and oh my goooooooood, I legitimately almost fucking left, like turned around and left. then I found them, some chica totally naked and Jonny standing, dressed (for me, lol) with toes in the water. I bonded with Niah that night and he called me a water-rat because I stayed out and swam under the moonlight for awhillleeee (they’re pussies, smh) and we kidded about overalls. and conversation was really fluid with Jonny & we actually talked just, a lot. about what it’s like to be a woman & the fear of running/walking around at night, near-death experiences we’ve had before. We talked about our favorite seasons and I said Fall, and Jonny asked if I’ve ever made homemade apple cider and I said no, and then he said “we should go to the Olympia farm this fall and do that” & I didn’t realize that he was thinking of me this way. what kind of non-monogamy shit was this? talkin bout something to do together in the fall? Surprised that I’d never been to Bainbridge and said “we gotta go”? Texting me in colorado, while I’m at home with my family, thinking of me & saying that we should go kayaking when I get back -- that he wanted to take me kayaking when I got back?

And I can’t really fathom how quickly/how strangely it all sort of.. fell apart. And how even still, it doesn’t feel like it’s fallen apart, and most nights I’m waiting for him to get off work to text me & ask me to go somewhere/do something with him.. and the conversation just kind of got less & less.. And once I sort of called him out on him getting back together with his ex (or “seeing” about it) and when on earth was he going to tell me.. I think I just, lost his interest or something. I wasn’t his taste anymore. What, cause I wasn’t being a “cool girl” about it? I don’t even fucking know. but i didn’t see any of this coming & I thought things were just going down a really fun, really cool path, and I was gonna have these people around for awhile longer. like it was all only just beginning. That of course, with the way Jonny had been treating me/been so kind/legit inviting me everywhere to everywhere with all his friends, that meant I was something special, right? Something significant?

His friends literally call me part of their “pod”! They text me how am I! They call Jonny and I “cuties” & thank us for staying the night! What! The actual! God damn! Fuck!

You want to hope that things will make a drastic shift for the better; that in a couple days, or in a few weeks, maybe he’ll text me and tell me he realized how stupid this all was & wished he hadn’t hurt me this way. that little doe she know, two of his closest musician friends told me they “are now equally mine”, and maybe sometimes when he shows up at their house, I’ll be sittin on their porch lookin pretty, sippin wine and maybe smoking a few cigarettes. there is that part of me, as I’m sitting home alone tonight instead of at golden gardens, with those hilarious, sweet boy goobs, that Jonny is going to call tonight or text me, or maybe the boys will usher him to come talk to me. There is that hope that I will be chosen; that there was a reason for all the places he took me and times he hung out with me -- that it wasn’t only truly going to lead to heartbreak like this? That there will be an outcome, and it will be good.. there is a hope. that is wasn’t for nothing. it wasn’t just for me, sitting here crying. or spacing out on the floor. not wanting to move. to breathe. just playing music. I’d like to think that he made a mistake. And he’ll try to reach out to talk to me, any minute now.

But there’s a wedding this weekend and what are the odds that he brings his ex. But there’s a trip to Montana he’s going on and what are the odds he’ll fly her there, too. But I’m not there tonight even though I suggested I might be and he calls her up instead, to come on over. What are the odds this was just meant to end like this and I was a stupid fool. A grieving, mourning, stupid fool.

Last night I imagined what I would say if he showed up. Or if maybe he did tonight, at my door. If he tried to talk to me or apologize. That I would say “you fucked with the wrong person,” no really, you fucked with the wrong person. I’m barely holding on. I’ve gone through way more shit then you even fucking know about, and you just added more to my plate. You just added more pain then to what I am already fucking experiencing. You fucked with the wrong person. You should’ve been gentler. You should’ve taken the hint. i told you even before we had three “dates” what the fuck’s been going on. You’ve seen it on my instagram. You fucked with, the wrong, girl, at the wrong, time. You shouldn’t have done this.

But this is the fucking reality of it. This is reality, bitch. I wish I had one of those on/off emotion switches they talk about in Vampire Diaries. I was just whispering to myself, “off, off, turn it off” -- turn of those damn fucking emotions. Stop. Feeling. Stop. Fucking. Feeling. Them. Right now.

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