New Perspectives
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Mondes & the Cheongs are @/byrdstrolls. Paenit is @/homicidalfantrolls.
Before you left for the Fleet, you made sure to say goodbye to everyone. To Nesseo, in rehab, Marsie, Hanagi, Mondes- and little Daseos. She was, at the time, much shorter than you. You had become quite smitten with the little jade as you got to know her. She was unlike anyone you had ever known. You loved the facts she spouted, how she lived and held herself so unapologetically. Das never seemed to fear taking up space in a room. It helped, of course, that nobody in the little Airbnb ever tried to make her small.
Watching her grow up in those five months, even as fearful as it had been awaiting Hanagi’s return, reminded you of watching Twitch and Bertie and Calysa and Faxaen and Merkii grow up, too. Some days, you wanted to wrap your arms around her spunky jade frame and hold her close, tell her to never grow up, to always stay herself. You never did, of course.
The only downside to Daseos, was having to pick her up from school. You’d see him across the lot. He wasn’t there every week, and then again neither were you. You tried so hard to figure out what weeks he was working pick-up duty. He seemed too busy to notice you, thankfully. Distracted by students pestering him, by other teachers. One time you caught him staring at a worm on the pavement. The world around you seemed to move in slow motion as you watched him nudge the little creature back into the damp soil, away from the harsh rays of the moons. An act of gentle kindness, unlike the man you once knew. The jagged rust you grew up with never noticed the small creatures. He was kind but never gentle, living his life in a rageful tunnel vision. In that moment, your chest ached. He wasn’t just alive. He had been alive long enough to change as a person. Without you.
You ducked away behind Marsie right as Festur looked up. Then Das came running up to show off her diagram of a sea slug, and the world resumed as normal.
The day that you left, you held Daseos by the shoulders. You looked into her bright, young eye, sparkling with wonder, swirling with age and trauma and things no child should have to hold. You told her to be good, to take good care of Mondes. And you gave her a letter.
“Give this to your literature teacher. Mr. C, right?”
She gasped, “You know that guy?!”
“I thought I did. But now, I’m…not so sure.”
✦✦✦
Five more months. Of silence, of staring into space and watching the stars swirl around your ship. Of hearing Paenit’s voice but never really understanding him. Choking down food to keep him happy. From hiding in his office to isolating yourself in your block. Five months of mapping the stars with nothing but your eyes. It’s a miracle you didn’t get voidrot from that alone. The stars changed from violet, to bronze, to jade, to yellow- never rust. All this time, Fester’s voice had been the sound of your consciousness, part of your never ending, never touched grief. Somewhere in those five months, your palmhusk had died. And you never bothered to charge it again.
That was, until the faithful day where the bravest fool you’d ever know showed up at your ship door. Mondes Rosado, with all the confidence of a man who’d stared death in the face, commanded for you to come home. The recruits on Commander Almiss’ ship were more appalled that Rosado had the gall to boss you around. Showing up at the Fleet’s doorstep was one thing. Telling you what to do was an entirely different, dangerous ball game. Despite that, it only took Commander Almiss all of twenty minutes to convince you to leave. By the time Mondes showed up, you were speaking again. The decision should’ve been easy- looking back you regret those long twenty minutes. Mondes must’ve been in agony. You didn’t want to leave Paenit, you didn’t want to leave Twitch. But as you told your commander this, he softly held your hands, and said you had punished yourself enough. He told you it was time to start enjoying your life.
You were convinced Mondes flew back much slower than he flew out. Not that you minded. You liked eating more than tater tots. You’d never admit it, but you even enjoyed rewatching Dune. You felt safe falling asleep tangled in his arms. Safe in a way you hadn’t felt in many, many sweeps. Hell, you didn’t even mind the spontaneous detour to a planet more ash than anything else.
You had about three dozen missed calls by the time you finally went back online. Siblings, your father, your moirail, Kitty even called twice. But only one number called once, five months ago. The joyous vibe of the ship had diminished significantly after visiting Corsica. In a morbid way, Mondes’ grief provided you a good distraction for what you needed to do.
“Rosado,” You softly broke the comfortable silence, “What time does Das get out of school?”
“It’s Sunday. She doesn’t have school on the weekends.”
“....Right.”
“Why? Something wrong?”
“No- no, not at all.” You slowly stood up from your seat on the couch, eyes never leaving the screen, “I-..I’ll be right back.”
Twitch’s ship was small, impossible to have true privacy. It didn’t seem like Mondes had followed you. He didn’t even take his eyes off the vegetables he so attentively chopped. Giving you the perfect opportunity. You locked yourself in the bathroom and turned on the fan. Your mask was set unceremoniously in the sink as you leaned against the counter. With shaky hands, you redialled the number. It rang twice.
“Hello?....Joey?”
Your blood ran cold. His voice, smooth like honey.
“...Jodiah? Is that you?”
✦✦✦
��� Your name is now Festur Canuis, and your ex-matesprit just entered your old barn.
You had been diligent in returning to the barn every Thursday. Was it creepy that you knew what days your brother wouldn’t be home? Probably. But even if he was, it was unlikely he’d venture out here again. The one time he did…poor thing, he just about passed out at the sight of you. It was pure luck he didn’t. No way in hell you could’ve dragged his heavy ass back to his hive.
Since your call with Jodiah, you had returned every Thursday. You would sit in your old, dead car, and grade papers, work on lesson plans, go over your rosters…boring adult things you couldn’t forego simply because you awaited an old friend. At first, you would freeze every time those rotting barn doors would creak. You convinced yourself after some time that he wasn’t going to show up. That was probably why you didn’t even bother looking up from the worksheet you were writing on. Not even when you heard the door shut, did you look up. It was only the uncomfortable feeling of eyes drilling into you that finally got you to look up.
There he stood. Baggy clothes hanging off his shoulders and hips like a funeral shroud. Staring at you with unease, discomfort, looking down at you from the top of his mask.
Oh god, that mask.
It was horrifying. The cold look in his eyes should’ve been what chilled you to the bone, but in all honesty, it was that mask. Sharp and heavy, concealing some horrible secret. You had seen it from afar, and had caught a glimpse or two from when the court case had been televised. What had the Fleet done to his face? Had it been the Fleet, or was it your death? Could you even blame someone in that instance? Your papers are set aside as you slowly rise, never breaking eye contact. In actions reminiscent of someone trying not to piss off a rabid bear, you slowly exit the vehicle and dare to venture closure.
“You’re alive.” The sound that leaves his mask is hardly a voice. And certainly not his own. It reminds you of the growl of an engine. A robotic, deadly thing.
“If it’s, uh, any consolation…I’ve only been alive the past, er…sweep or so?” You offer a half-hearted shrug.
“Oh.” You could practically see the gears turning in your ex’s head, his eyes studying every visible aspect of you. Mentally calculating the length of your arms compared to your torso, cataloging every hair on your head. Checking his mental list several times over. Making sure, without a reasonable doubt, that you are in fact Festur Canuis.
The silence that falls is thick. You began to wonder if you were purely imagining things, if Jodiah actually stood in front of you. You were just beginning to relax when Jodiah’s mask suddenly just…turned off. The lights died out entirely. He started to sway. His lime eyes rolled back right as his legs buckled under him.
Instinct took over as you closed the gap between you two with record speed. You grabbed him by his hoodie, momentarily shocked at how lightweight he was. You pulled the unconscious lime close, keeping him as upright as possible. Nostalgia fogged at the edge of your mind, memories of being kids and having this same issue happen. The electricity in his body would overwhelm his heart, and he’d pass out. You recalled holding him upright would sometimes speed up his recovery time-
With a sharp, muffled gasp, Dia’s eyes snap open. His nails grip into your arms frantically. It took a few seconds for the recognition to spark in his eyes. When it did, he immediately buried his masked face into your chest. You yelp and stagger back slightly, taking him with you. It became quite clear that his mask was not designed with hugs in mind.
“Joey–Joey, stop–” You squirm slightly, “Your mask- it’s, its sharp-”
He looked up, eyes wet with sorrow and terror, silent as ever.
“Let’s take it off…please?”
“Y-You can’t look at-at me.” Jodiah’s voice, no longer mechanical, wavers in his demands. He shifts to hold you at arm’s length, his vibrant eyes studying your own deadpan ones with a startling new frenzy. “Pr-Promise me. You-You c-can’t look. D-d-don’t f-f-fucking- d-d-“
You knew that stutter. Like an engine stalling when you turned the key. The starter trying so hard, desperate to ignite. But the spark never lights. The words fall out of his lips clumsily but never whole, never the right words. You said nothing in return. A hand moves from Jodiah’s waist to the mask on his face. You’re not sure how you know what to do, you just do. You’d been reading a lot of books lately- part of the Language Arts teacher job, right? A common theme these days has been soulmates. Trolls with souls that were destined to be tangled together. You always thought that idea was fucking idiotic. There was no way to prove fate or destiny existed. You had died, how could you have a soul?
But as your hand found its way to the right sweet spot on Jodiah’s mask, gently pulling back and then down, you started to wonder if the concept was really all that stupid. He doesn’t stop you. The mask is discarded unceremoniously, dropped off to the side. He’s shaking like a leaf in the wind, and with how small he felt in your arms you worried he’d blow away like one too. Your expression softens ever so slightly.
This wasn’t your Joey. Your Joey had a round, clean face, warm cheeks decorated with freckles. He always wore a smile. His fangs poked out over his lips like a promise. The man who looked at you with your lover’s eyes was so tired, so aged. His jaw was sharp, his nose broad and round. His face looked sunken in, hollow, decaying. His lip quivered in a nervous silence as he studied you. Waiting for his powers to do something, anything. Waiting for the facade to end.
You raise your brows in the subtle way you often did to show you weren’t upset. “I’m fine, Joey.” The hand that removed his mask now cupped his cheek. The lime turned his face into your palm, closing his eyes for a brief second, relishing the touch. “See? I’m fine. I feel nothing- It’s okay.”
Nothing was an understatement. Seeing his face sent warm sparks down your spine, made your chest bubble with excitement, made your head fizz. Certainly a far cry from the sedative powers Jodiah remembered himself as having. You’d explored his memories, of course you had, and could recall him taking down highbloods far greater than you with just a cold glare. The buzzing carbonation in your think pan was a muted version of his powers. But you couldn’t let him know that, not with how he felt now. You were always a little too good at lying to your Jodiah, and it appeared that trend would continue with the Jodiah in your arms.
Fat tears welled up in his bright, sunken eyes, right before he buried his face into your chest. You instinctively wrap your arms around him, swallowing his small frame in your own. You close your eyes and press your face into his hair. He didn’t even smell the same. The Fleet had done horrible things to the man you once knew. But you knew in your bones that it was really your death that had made him sharp, had forced his edges to be so jagged to protect what he had left.
You couldn’t love this man in the same way you once had. Too much time had passed for that to be a possibility. You were different, he was different- love wasn’t some kinda puzzle you could finish just by forcing the pieces in a certain way. You missed your Joey, and you always will. You couldn’t call up a necromancer to bring him back. But you could get to know the man he’d become, the man in your arms, holding onto you like he was afraid you’d vanish. The love that melted its way across your skin was much deeper. Warm, genuine, pure. Pinker in nature. Oh, how the time apart gave you a newly painted perspective on your feelings towards him. You knew, as you nuzzled into his soft hair, that you’d do everything in your power to make sure he never sobbed like this again. Not over you, not for any reason.
You weren’t pieces from each other’s missing puzzles. You were two halves of the same star that found its way back together.
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Embracing a Different Path: Coping After Learning You Won't Have Children
Shaina Tranquilino
December 13, 2023
Life often presents us with unexpected challenges, and one of the most profound can be discovering that having children of our own may not be possible. The emotional journey following such news can be overwhelming and heartbreaking. However, it's crucial to remember that there is light at the end of the tunnel. In this blog post, we'll explore several ways to cope and find joy in life after learning you won't be able to have biological children.
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings:
The first step towards healing is acknowledging your emotions. Allow yourself to grieve, as this loss is significant. It's natural to feel sadness, anger, or confusion during this time. Find a supportive friend or partner who will listen without judgment, or consider seeking professional counselling to help navigate through these complex feelings.
2. Connect with Supportive Communities:
You are not alone in this journey; many individuals have faced similar circumstances. Reach out to support groups or online communities where you can connect with others experiencing infertility or childlessness by choice. Sharing experiences, stories, and advice can provide solace and make you realize that hope exists beyond biological parenthood.
3. Explore Alternative Paths:
While it may seem like the end of the road for becoming parents, there are various alternative paths to consider when building a family. Adoption allows you to give love and care to a child who needs it while creating a fulfilling bond. Similarly, surrogacy provides an opportunity for those who wish to experience parenthood genetically but cannot carry their own child.
4. Rediscover Your Passions:
Infertility struggles should never define your entire identity or purpose in life. Take this moment as an opportunity for self-discovery and rekindle your passions outside of parenting aspirations. Engaging in hobbies, pursuing new career goals, travelling, volunteering, or focusing on personal growth can bring fulfillment and happiness.
5. Nurture Relationships:
While the path to parenthood may have changed, the love and connection within your relationships remain unchanged. Strengthening bonds with your partner, family, friends, or even becoming a mentor to a child in need can fill your life with joy and purpose. Cherish and invest in these valuable connections that enrich your journey.
6. Seek Professional Guidance:
If you find it challenging to navigate through this phase alone, seeking professional help from therapists specializing in infertility counselling can provide immense support. A trained counsellor can guide you in processing grief, managing stress, improving communication with loved ones, and developing coping strategies tailored to your unique situation.
7. Embrace a Different Perspective:
Remember that being a parent does not solely define one's worth or purpose in life. Many individuals without biological children lead fulfilling lives by channelling their nurturing instincts into careers or dedicating themselves to causes they are passionate about. Explore new perspectives on what it means to be fulfilled and redefine success based on personal values rather than societal expectations.
Discovering that you won't be able to have children of your own is undoubtedly a profound challenge that requires emotional healing and readjustment of expectations. However, finding acceptance and embracing alternative paths can lead to newfound joy, purpose, and fulfillment in life. Surround yourself with supportive communities, seek professional guidance if needed, and remember that there are countless ways to make a positive impact on the world beyond traditional parenthood.
Ultimately, this journey presents an opportunity for growth and self-discovery—an opportunity to embrace the beauty of life's unexpected turns while building resilience along the way.
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