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garden-ghoul · 7 years

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bloggbblog, part 12

“oooh guys you have no idea how hard it is to consume any media that’s not counter/weight right now but I am trying my very hardest for you. have the very last hobbit liveblog and my blessing.”

THE CLOUDS BURST

As I recall, Laketown and Thranduil’s soldiers have our 14 guys under siege in Erebor. Oh wait fuck last time Bilbo gave the Arkenstone to Bard for some fucking reason. They already have military strength, numbers, and better supply, why do you have to give them the one thing in the world the dwerrows want most? Anyway a messenger contacts Thorin, saying things have changed. Thorin is pleased: Oh good, my cousin is here and they want to surrender now that we have 514 guys to their approximately 1000!

No. They are offering to let Thorin buy back the Arkenstone. Predictably, he’s astonished and furious. For SOME REASON Bilbo volunteers the information that he’s the one who gave it to them. What the fuck, boy! Protect your own skin! They found it or something! Have you no sense! Urgh. Bilbo claims that the Arkenstone was his 1/14 share of the treasure, and he has disposed of it as he wished. Thorin calls him a descendant of rats and vows never to see or speak to him again. For some reason, a few of the other dwerrows are sorry to see him go, even though he super betrayed them, so so bad.

The next morning Dain & co show up, and Dain says some polite threats to Bard and tries to go to Erebor, while Bard tries to detain him, very politely. After all, Dain’s dwerrows have supplies to withstand a siege, and if they can hold out for another two weeks who knows how many more dwerrows might come! Personally I think it’d be neat if lots of dwerrows came to live in Erebor but like, maybe if they weren’t preparing for a war. Thranduil agrees, actually! He’s hoping that having twice as many guys will make them just intimidating enough to get an advantage in negotiation, but really he’d prefer to resolve it peacefully. For a rude isolationist who imprisons people for being in his forest, he’s certainly a better king than Thorin.

This doesn’t stop the dwerrows of course, who have had plenty of time to get spitting mad. What does stop them is Gandalf doing a fancy light trick and shouting “HEY GOBLINS ARE HERE.” Conveniently, black clouds roll in and cover the sun with extreme suddenness. Everyone agrees to work together to murder the goblins, who they all hate even more than they hate each other. This is known as the Battle of Five Armies. The five armies are dwerrows, humans, elves, goblins, and (as far as I can tell) wolves. It’s cool how wolves have their own army.

It was a terrible battle. The most dreadful of all Bilbo's experiences, and the one which at the time he hated most - which is to say it was the one he was most proud of, and most fond of recalling long afterwards, although he was quite unimportant in it.

Oh also there are some huge bats allied with the goblins and wolves, which is pretty cool. Bats are nice though?? Even vampire bats, which these obviously are, are fairly gentle creatures. These ones are kind of acting like carrion birds and drinking blood from the fallen, which seems very respectful. Thorin redeems himself somewhat in the eyes of the Laketowners by having a very loud voice and also an axe, and people of several species rally around him. He gets besieged (on a microscale) by goblins and we don’t get resolution to that before Bilbo gets distracted by a) eagles and b) getting concussed with a rock that I guess fell from the sky.

THE RETURN JOURNEY

Bilbo wakes up and realizes, after a while, that he’s alone on the battlefield because he’s still invisible and nobody tried to save him. Yep! If you hide from your enemies you also hide from your friends, you coward! Not that I don’t endorse hiding if you have zero combat skills and find yourself in a battle, gosh. Some guy brings Bilbo to Thorin, who is dying (has been “wounded with many wounds”) and seems to have forgotten that he said he didn’t ever want to see Bilbo again.

Now that Thorin is dead, Dain becomes king under the mountain, since Thorin’s more direct relatives Fili and Kili also died defending their uncle. Aw man. They were the youngest party members and they were just trying their best. Bard tries to give Bilbo a lot of treasure from his 14th share (Thorin’s corpse has the Arkenstone, and Dain is wayyyy more honorable than Thorin; he considers it purchased), but Bilbo thinks he’ll get murdered on the way home if he’s too rich so he just takes two small chests of silver and gold. Dude that’s still a lot though. He gives Thranduil a very nice necklace, and stammers out that it’s payment for all the food he stole while his friends were imprisoned. What????

THE LAST STAGE

Come May, Bilbo and Gandalf have finally made it back to Rivendell, where elves are singing a song written specifically to underline that even though a dragon and a bunch of other people got killed, elves are the same lackadaisical enigmas as ever! Seriously that’s like a paraphrase of the lyrics. Why not stay in the lovely valley of the lotus-eaters?? Why trouble yourself with dragons?? It’s more than a bit sinister in my opinion. But like the elves actually have the kindest and most amiable intentions, so I have to assume they’re just really bad at writing lyrics that don’t make them sound like they are about to kidnap you.

Despite elvish enticements Bilbo only stays for a week; he misses home so terribly. And he has been away for a year! So long that he has been declared legally dead and the Sackville-Bagginses are auctioning off his things! It takes a good deal longer than you’d think for everyone to admit that he’s alive, even though he’s like, right there. Also everyone thinks he’s a weirdo now. What kind of hobbit goes on adventures? Without telling anyone? Returns from the dead??

Bilbo has a great time being an elf-friend though. And a dwerrow-friEND.

#blog of the rings

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