Kerry Skarbakka – The Struggle to Right Oneself (2001-2014)   [tumblr-appropriate version]   

MICKEY MEETS FC BAYERN (PART 1/4)

for the entire houston clownery experience click here

psa: excuse my face and the pic qualities. up until this happened i haven’t really taken pictures of myself (less than 10 in the past two years for family and work purposes and NEVER selfies) and when you meet people you’ve only seen on TV in a very unexpected circumstance, then don’t expect your brain and motor functions to work 100%.

okay. i posted part 1 of this a few days ago but i’m gonna redo it again to flush out the details. before i start, know that i arrived in houston wednesday afternoon. my original flight back home was scheduled sunday after the game (i booked my flight and lodgings months before like a good binch) but since bayern clowned again and announced the full detailed schedule really late, and put ALL the major fan stuff on SUNDAY, i grudgingly rebooked and extended one more day. how much that one extra day cost me will haunt me for a while but hey, it was more than worth it! of course, i didn’t know it would work out like that at first...

the hotel reception was around 6:30-7 pm on friday so we went there a few hours earlier to get good spots. met up with The Niko Thirst Gang (big shoutout to @screamingoranges, @saquonbrkley, and @simplyirenic! it was great meeting y’all hope we could do it again sometime) and waited patiently in the houston heat and humidity outside the hotel. finally the team bus arrived and got my shirt signed by boa, fiete, benji, leon, and thomas! made a post about it here and i also have the full reception video if y’all wanna see!

but being the greedy thirsty binch that i am, i wasn’t satisfied at all. thiago and niko weren’t there. the coaching staff were the first to go down and hansi flick, dr. broich, and even Witch Doctor™ müller-wohlfahrt were there, but NOT niko. after the bus left and all the other entourage cars were off, i was about to rage outside the hotel bc i was really banking on seeing niko that day and taking a pic with him there (my blood pressure had been raging for 4 hours and then to be let down just like t h a t...). apparently he and thiago went straight to nrg stadium from the airport for a press conference. and guess what? NRG STADIUM WAS JUST DOWN THE ROAD FROM MY PLACE 💀💀💀

anyway, come saturday and it was game day! i was so pumped since my seat was five rows behind the bayern bench! y’all know what that means: unlimited firsthand access to peak drama!!! i also had this huge ass sign asking for niko’s bottle sdhfsdjfh. the game was great (bc we beat madridies and it was just really exciting all the way) and i saw stuff that we normally don’t get from TV (e.g. ALL the angry niko antics, leon changing into his kit on the bench, etc.) at one point niko finally looked at my direction while drinking from his bottle and i’m pretty sure he saw my sign but he just kept on drinking sultrily from that goddamn bottle sjadhksfksdfdk i hate him!!!!!!!

after the game i was feeling pretty let down and desperate bc i know sunday was the team’s last full day in houston and i didn’t want my extension to be for nothing. the practice session and paulaner bbq were invite-only events (ugh) and the mall meet-and-greets won’t have niko or everyone else in them. so i set my alarm, went to bed, and decided to try my luck by randomly going to the hotel again to see if i can get something. i had no idea if it was gonna work or not. it was a shot in the freaking dark.

sunday morning. 8:30 am. i went out armed with a sharpie, my cardboarded jersey, a pack of gum, and two bottles of water.

my uber drove me to the hotel entrance and i even got the whole five star welcome sjdhfsjdfbjkds

hotel staff: ”hi! welcome to the post oak hotel!”

me: “oh lmao i’m not actually a customer i’m just here to see if the team’s still here. have they left for practice yet?”

hotel staff: “oh no problem at all. they’re still here they just finished breakfast i think”

me: “oh cool i’ll just wait here then”

hotel staff and some guy in a bayern audi fcb tour polo shirt: “it’s so hot here, though. don’t you want to wait inside?”

me:

me: “............i can do that? am i allowed in?”

bayern guy: *shrugs* yeah sure. i’ve seen you around before anyway (nice guy talk for: i know ur stalking them lmao)

just like that.

i’m in. i made it.

u n s u p e r v i s e d. totally no barriers whatsoever. with full blast A/C too!

cue happy lil me, relieved to be out of the houston heat, entering the hotel and chilling in their nice plushy seats. (if y’all have cash to burn, it looks like a real good hotel too if you get to houston sometime). i kept on looking over my shoulder bc i still can’t believe they just let me in like t h a t. i tried to make myself look as harmless and innocent as possible and saw some of the training staff milling around and chatting in german (for a moment i thought i was back in munich it was so surreal). at some point, a very sleepy and very casual javi martinez in slides came up to the reception and i nearly passed out. he looked over at me and i waved and said hi and raised my shirt (signal if he wants to sign). he shook his head no and gestured to reception and i was like “oh sure no problem!” (i was trying not to freak out even if i was sad ok)

i’ve been trying to kill time by screaming here on tumblr until about 10-15 minutes later i heard the huge ass team bus pull up out front. a few moments after that, it all started.

i saw the kitmen carrying stuff to the bus and greeted them “guten morgen!” they were so cheery lmao (idk if it’s bc they just had breakfast or bc i greeted them in german). then i saw dr. broich and hansi flick come out in their training gear (both looking hella tanned sfnsjfjsdfn) and greeted them both again. dr. broich waved, said hi, and went straight to the bus but i was able to flag hansi down for an autograph. in my excitement (he was my first catch of the day!) i forgot to ask for a pic ugh but oh well

me: “thanks hansi! and welcome to bayern!”

hansi: *handing me back my shirt and trying (and failing) to put my sharpie back in its cap* “oh, thanks so much!”

after hansi went on his merry way, i saw dieter nickles (the press conference guy) and asked him for a picture and autograph too.

me: “hi dieter! can i please have a photo and an autograph?”

dieter: “are you sure? i’m not a player...”

me: “haha i know but if it’s all the same to you...”

he seemed pretty chuffed that i knew him and happily signed and took pictures (score #2!)

that was it for a while (they were the early birds) until giovane elber himself came out. i freaked (i love him) and tried to keep my voice from shaking when i asked him for the standard photo and autograph. in my haste, the first was pretty blurry and against the light but giovane, angel that he is, was like “oh no that’s bad. let’s try again” and maneuvered me to another angle. success! i luff u, giovane ;__;

then The Voice of the Allianz Arena himself came out. i semi-shouted “stephan!” and startled him that he nearly dropped his coffee snbfsdbfsdfsb. while he was signing my shirt, i asked him if he could give me a lil soundbite and HE DID! he sounds exactly the same as he does on TV during games omfg

the younglings started to come out too. i missed a few of them because they went out in a group so i was only able to flag down sarpreet and ron. oh well! they cute af! go bayern babies! grow up and save us from clownery!!!!!!

(ignore the pen in my mouth i was multitasking lmao)

after that, the ground started to shake (just kidding) bc Big Uncle Nik was there! after i got his autograph (a very simple N.S. lmaooo) , we tried to take a picture. i say “tried,” because i’m 5′3 (and 1/2....on a good day) and he’s built like a fuckin skyscraper. in the end, since he was so nice and realized it was hopeless, he bent down to my level so we could both fit in the frame sdhfbsdjfsbdfjd COME ON SÜLEEEEE

then Pure Angel Baby Fiete came out! i already got his autograph and had a pic with him in the hotel reception, but hey, one more can’t hurt! lemme tell y’all: he looks like an angel, and IS an angel. he’s always so game for photos and even said thank you after we took the pic and i’m like “um???? no, thank YOU!!!” he laughed and i cried lmaooo

also, javi finally showed up again. i raised my pen and phone and he was like “oh sure! yeah!” my brain was fried from Beautiful Athlete Overload that i forgot NOT to take a pic from that cursed angle. javi looked like he was in a hurry though so i didn’t even try to ask for a better pic. oh well, at least here he looks like he came down from heaven (he really looked like he did huehue)

(tumblr has this stupid 10 photo per post limit thing so stay tuned for more pics in part 2!)

Why would jungkook be thirsting over a 16 year old girl with the cameras around? He was impressed by her movements

Anon 2: tbh he had a similar reaction to the boy before, he was very attentive and looked genuinely into it, i saw the clips of them dancing and i must say that girl at the end was really something. the control she had over her body was really impressive and they all looked shook. i don’t even believe km are in a relationship but some people are overreacting already and painting them as these horny teenagers like? +y'all’s logic is weird. being in a relationship = can’t find any other person attractive?

Anon 3: i personally only saw them all as impressed with her performance n i didn’t see anything sexual with their reactions, especially considering the girl was 16 n they all kept referring to her and the other performers as kids

Anon 4: I think it‘s quite unfair how fast and strong people tend to Analyse EVERYTHING BTS does. I feel like the boys can‘t even breathe these days without someone reading into it. That Rookie girl she was 16 ffs CALM DOWN PEOPLE.. for me it was a normal reaction, because from what we got to see that girl could move her body in such an impressing way. I honestly feel rather sorry if you people never experienced being touched by art before. Because it‘s the most beautiful feeling. Just give them space!!

Anon 5: Wow so people out here can’t tell the difference from being impressed with someone’s talent vs attraction and thinking someone is hot ? Wild.

Anon 6: I’m ace and don’t even feel sexual attraction, but I react the same way to performances I find really amazing. It’s an attraction to the skill and art, not the performer.

Anon 7: weird.. I didn’t read into any of their reactions at all?? like, nothing about their reactions to those videos raised a red flag, I really don’t understand why everyone is making a deal of it. Especially because they were reacting to dancers… as dancers themselves.. the reactions make sense? this fandom is so dramatic sometimes lol

Anon 8: If he had pulled that same reaction with a guy on the screen no one would bat an eye, would say it was because of his dance/talent. but because it was a pretty girl on the screen (who I think is underage?), it must mean he’s attracted to her and not because he’s impressed by her talent. there is just so many things wrong with that way of thinking smh

Anon 9: Y'all really out here making jk look like a pedophile by claiming he looked attracted to or turned on by that underage girl. Can he not admire someone’s talent without people claiming he is attracted to them. Unnecessary drama that jk or any of the members don’t need especially involving underage children.

Anon 10:Why people keep talking about a reaction of ONE DANCE omfg, can we be honest? It’s just a performance and he saw someone performing very good. I guess everyone who watches a good performer admiring that way. Tha heteronormative thing sucks, for God sakes she’s a minor, wtf, this people need to chill out their way of think, it’s discuting, the boys cannot be beside a girl for all this s**T start again. Just need to stop, this is ridiculous…

~~~~~~~~~~~Hey, Anons!

I hope you don’t mind me combining your asks but I feel like I have some things to say and I’d only end up repeating myself otherwise. This will also be the last time I’m talking about it as I believe I don’t have anything more to add. Not only that but I don’t wish to ever incriminate in any way shape or form Jungkook or Bangtan so maybe this post will be deleted in the future. 2 of the previous asks already are as I want to protect the members and not aid in any additional drama.

I’ve told you in the previous asks that at first I only saw the BTS react video and not what they were reacting to. I had only their expressions and comments to go by and that means I couldn’t be objective. It’s impossible without the source material. At the initial watch, their reaction to the last video really striked me. Apparently what they were seeing was special even from the moment the music started. All I could see were them being hyper focused, amazed at the performance and mesmerized, as well as I could hear a sexy song.

To me, had they not watched a dance or been professionals, if this was a normal social situation, I could interpret some of that reactions to some sort of attraction. Keep in mind that one can be attracted to the way a person moves ,talks, sits, one can find it worth watching and alluring to the eye without really having any sexual intentions towards that person. Had Bangtan been normal people, normal young adults and not idols, currently working it would maybe make sense. That’s not the case though which is why from the beginning I said that admiration is a very highly plausible explanation.

Obviously, when you see what they’re reacting to, things seem in a new light. The girl is crazy crazy talented and honest to God, their reaction was more than justified. When you see that video, you’re bound to be amazed and affected. It’s how she dances. Doesn’t even matter what sexuality you have, she is just that good. You can be a rock and still have a strong reaction and be mesmerized. It’s what she deserves.

The thing that striked me then and I said is very important to keep in mind, is her young age. Really, 16 is too young and them having sexual desires towards her is highly highly unlikely. Attraction to her talent and art? Sure. But not a desire to bone. So, I’m not making them out to be so pervs. From the beginning I said her age is very crucial here for all alternative explanations and actually can’t be overstated. I don’t think Bangtan would see a person so young as a potential sexual object. There’s just no way, especially considering there was no promiscuity whatsoever. But even then, I believe they know well where to draw a line, as anyone should.

Eventhough JK is not that much older than her (5 years, I think) and maybe in some places a man that age can date younger girls, it’s still not a small difference, especially at that point of their lives, she is still underaged and they all know that. Not only would something like that be a literal scandal from hell due to their idol status but it would be morally very ambiguous or if we want to be really blunt - paedophilic. A 5-6 years difference is not much when both people are adults but not in the case of one of them being underaged. Though if we want to talk about paedophilia - isn’t that what we saw in the early Bangtan days? People shipped Tae, who was 18 at the time and JK, who were only 16. Not to mention how JM is overly sexualized before he was llegal and so was Jungkook. So let’s not pretend like issues like that don’t exist in kpop because they do.

On a much serious note, I am always worried about all those young, naive and fame hungry trainees who leave their homes, only to be entrusted to men, usually much older than them. It worries me because this sounds exactly like the perfect setting for some very dark things to occur with one side being very young, almost helpless and the other being much older and richer and holding all the power. It’s unsettling what could be happening behind the curtains, far away from our knowledge..

Onto heteronormativitity. It’s an issue and we all know it. It has always been. Had this been a boy, even one at their age, many peolle would never even look twice, even if BTS reaction was a rather quizzical one. It’s how the minds of many people work, sadly. When it’s a malexfemale interaction, everything is fair game and “evidence”. With malexmale it’s exactly the opposite - “brothers until proven otherwise” and even then..

Age completely aside, for many people it’s hard to imagine a man can appreciate a girl for her talent and achievements and not her sex appeal. It’s concerning. This is exactly why I said that we don’t see more femalexmale interactions in kpop, there’s no way a genuine friendship won’t be twisted. Just look at the situation with Yoongi and Suran. The company had to even make a statement denying the dating rumours. Not to mention JK x IU and that whole can of warms. Boy can’t even be a fan nowadays.

In the end, regarding this concrete issues, it’s obvious it was a case of tallent appreciation. But the problem is not there. Tomorrow someone else might be involved, someone not underage or a rookie and then we’ll get a whole scandal on our hands. It’s not even about shipping or sexuality, about KM or whether or not X member is gay, bi or straight. It all kind of boils down to the rather problematic way malexfemale relations are perceived in kpop.

I really hope my words didn’t pour oil into any fire

So there was this guy I met here in my hometown we both joined the navy but once we graduated I went to Norfolk and he went to San Antonio we followed to just being home friends staying in touch being supportive to each other we each had a relationship in the city we were in, around the same time mid December we ended the relationships we were in. me I just wasn't feeling it, his ended because this white trash cheated on him (you'll understand why I strongly dislike her in a bit). I wasn't as hurt on loosing this guy but when he was over with her (ima just use her initial A) he was so depressed and obviously me as a friend was there for him... so he ended up "falling" for me but I didn't really engage to accepting his "feelings" this around New Years we made it official still never told him I love you or anything till he did I'm not the stupid one to admit something first with out the other feeling the same way. Obviously every relationship is puppy love at first, but I would always notice his statuses and snap stories were always about him being depressed and no one being there for him. Immediately what would run through my head was like wtf am I here for if you don't communicate with me I try and reach out but you block me, he would say it was family issues but I respected his space and decided not to bother till I noticed countless times he would be like that. (Take in mind we are 2 different distant states) so as I go about my day one day I randomly check IG I decide to look on his (he doesn't know I have one and his was unprivate so I could see everything) he recently posted a selfie and I noticed A wrote a comment which said "daddy" and he liked it obviously I was blowing smoke out of my ears mad but not quite yet did I bring it up I decided to look on her account also not private went through her pictures noticed he liked every single one of her pictures the anger was legit growing more and more then I looked at her comments realizing on a picture around the time he told me his "feelings" for me he dropped some heart eyes on multiple pictures.... that's when I hit him up around 2100 saying wtf why is this girl dropping those comments and you're liking them like wtf you know to begin with WHY TF DO YOU STILL HAVE HER ON SOCIAL MEDIA he was quick to deny shit saying he likes everyone's comments (lol I rolled my eyes so hard when he told me that) I was like well if you hate her and talk so much shit about her to me I don't understand why you would like that shit especially that comment knowing you're "in a relationship" he just BS everything he said so that was the first time I noticed he still had contact with A and you know once again I'm not in the same city as him who knows if he still sees her. From that day he acted all short instead of being in my ass like how we used to be a normal relationship. One day his SC story he posted a ring I was like tf obviously with the caption what a waste following his depressed comments once more reassuring me he still had this white trash on his mind. I brought it up then he proceeded to tell me if he wasn't about me he wouldn't waste his time on me, my guard never went down. Once I left Norfolk I went to my hometown El Paso our relationship got even more short he graduated February 24th from HM A school I flew out to see him got a room spent over $100+ on a nice outfit to not look like shit infront of his family. Turns out I wasn't able to go to the graduation cause I wasn't on some stupid list he put his family but not me then we talked over the phone and agreed it was only a 30 min ceremony no big deal he would pick me up after to go to dinner I was perfectly fine with that it ended at 1500 I waited 2 hrs he said he was talking about family shit with his mom but I look on SC he already had dinner with them so till mad ditched me and didn't come knocking on my door till about 2200 after I had cried my ass to sleep after arguing through text about how he couldn't even let me know (his phone "died") he came knocking on my door asked why are you in the dark? Why are you crying? Why don't you wanna talk to me? Like this MF has the balls to ask me that... sits me down as I start tearing up again then tells me he wants to take it "day by day" like OMFG then why did you tell me I love you if you didn't mean it I was always there for your ass now you're pushing me away like wtf and turns out his mom was in the same hotel as me so idk how he could've not picked me up. So he babies me and promises to make it up tomorrow go to the riverwalk with him and his fam. But he didn't wake up till I was taking a shower opens the door and says he's gonna get his clothes at base get ready and be right back. Males take like 30 min tops to get ready and the base was like 5 min away. 2 hrs passed I take like 1 1/2 hrs to get ready I even waited an extra bit till once again I check SC and see he's out with his fam. And ditched me again:) so I tripped but not as much I let him know I was going out he said why? Like tf nigga not gonna be waiting around like yesterday so I was like just lmk when you're back at the hotel he said ok then it was 2000 and realized he wasn't coming I proceeded to bash him on social media he hit me up immediately saying his phone died (lies I kept seeing him post he was out) how I'm quick to assume shit like nah here for 3 days I'm leaving tomorrow and I couldn't get one fucking day with you other than when you slept with me but I guess that's all I was good for to him, so etc long ass discussion I never saw him that night one of my girls stationed there took me out and he was quick to talk shit once he saw I went out like nah you don't have the right to tell me anything after you ditched me twice. So I came back home argued a bit through the phone gave it 3 weeks noticed I was only begging for his attention at that point decided there was no point in going in when I'm doing my all when oh I forgot to put this out I posted a picture he untagged himself and also forgot to put this out he still had various pictures with A on his account another red light after so many I had previously asked to remove them he would just say they were old . Okay getting back to the sequence of events yesterday after a week of cutting his ass off he was back with this white trash bitch A and sent me a snap (this is the most shadiest shit ever) saying if you were wondering I did use you to get over her but now FYI I'm back with her..... like you guys do not know how much my heart shattered yesterday I balled my eyes out scram even broke walls and furniture on how not sad but frustrated mad I was right and ignored every red flag even though I knew but I was willing to hold it down for him since he always mentioned he was alone and had nothing ( I never talked about my life to him to not stress him I lost everyone that meant something to me but I figured he kinda made me feel good lol not really) but I wanted to be that someone who was there for him and he send me that shitty ass snap with him and A together like ... if I invested my time and feelings into you there's certain shit you don't do out of respect. Like WHY COULDN'T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO LEAD ME ON LIKE THAT? You said you didn't want to waste your time but you wasted mine you used me to make yourself feel better till you got what you wanted. I REGRET EVERY FUCKING TIME I TRIED TO BE THERE FOR YOU.