I don’t think using the term “narcissistic abuse” is ableist.
(addendum: if you are triggered by the usage of the term, please enforce a boundary for yourself to ignore posts like these (just like how I ignore posts that trigger me). I am not wishing harm on anyone. I am working on healing, moving on, and also forgiving people - but it does not change what happened.)
Ableism is the blatant discrimination of those with disabilities - calling the abuse cycle by its term (there is no other term that accurately describes what I went through) is not ableist. Just like calling me autistic is not ableist. Just like calling out my previous codependency and people-pleasing that caused me to chronically lie to people is not ableist.
The term is DESCRIPTIVE and it is indicative of a real thing that happens.
I know other people think that it is ableist.
I know people won’t believe me when I say it saved my life.
You know how no matter what you do or say, someone will find issue with it? Doesn’t matter how many degrees you have, the amount of medical validation you have received, the things you have witnessed, the insistence that I am not proposing harm to anyone (I am insisting on accountability though!), etc.
There are people who will not believe you or take it personally.
The lesson I have learned: I need to trust myself with the information I have right now. I can continue to learn more about people and the world, but I am not responsible for people thinking that my usage of a term is vilifying a whole community. I have faced this my entire life (telling white people about white supremacy and appropriation and then having them accuse me of vilifying all white people; countless other black-and-white examples).
So whatever.
Call me a monster.
After all my abuser probably calls me one.
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If I see another post about empathizing with people who have NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) or "respecting" them or "ableism" against NPD going around I'm going to commit violence.
Stop.
People with NPD are not capable of empathy. They're not capable of being reasoned with. They live in their own bubble of reality where they are the only person who matters, and everyone else around them is expendable. Everything they do is a strategic, manipulative move to gain sympathy from others so that they can use them.
Don't fucking interact with them. They have spent their entire life manipulating people to get what they want and they're VERY FUCKING GOOD AT IT. If you feel sorry for a narcissist, congrats, you've been duped. If you think me saying this is ableism, congrats, you've been duped.
They are wildly good at being victims. They can turn any situation into them being the victim, once again, to gain sympathy, so they can use you. They can literally hit you in the face for no reason and spin it so that they are the victim, and you'll believe them, and so will everyone they're able to tell about it.
As someone who has been abused repeatedly by people with NPD, and watched people with NPD ruin the lives of everyone they can sink their fingers into, and even tried to reason with them and help them be better people, I'm fucking done.
Straight up block me if you think narcissists are capable of self awareness and change. They literally are not, it's part of the illness. If you don't want to be used, don't interact with them. I promise you they'll find someone else to suck the life out of the minute you're gone, because that's what they do.
Ever thought to yourself "hey I think I might be a narcissist"? Then you're not one. Because they are completely incapable of that kind of self awareness. Again, it's part of the illness. Know an actual narcissistic person who seems self aware? Think about it. Are they actually? Do they really believe there's something wrong with them? Or are they telling you what you want to hear to keep you around? Alternatively, are they actually someone with NPD or have they been misdiagnosed or diagnosed themselves?
Fuck narcissists. If you come across an actual narcissist, don't talk to them. Don't give them attention. Don't humor them. If at all possible, just run. Run as fast and far as you can and never speak to them again. And if you're not in a position to do that, then that should be your #1 goal.
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Imagine giving abusers/ex abusers respect on a silver platter for the mere concept that they could've possibly changed, and going easy on them
Only to harshly criticize abuse survivors for "gossiping" and "talking shit" about their abusers because "you're saying words but I'm here to see the ex abuser's actions"
But they are not seeing the abuser's actions, they're only hearing that they may or may not have changed and they've already given them a chance with zero caution and zero doubt which means any red flags are harder to spot (bc your mindset is already trying to focus on pardoning them and being biased)
While demonizing and ostracizing the survivor and not giving them a chance to be heard because "they're just bitter" which means every little flaw and mistake becomes a red flag
And both sides are just saying words (maybe the survivor is backing up the evidence sometimes) but somehow because the abuser is being their usual, egotistical self and passive aggressively doing a smear campaign based on "they don't like me anymore even though I did my best and I've changed" (which shows a very huge lack in self-awareness, emotional intelligence, and empathy), while the abuse survivor is aggressively calling them out, the abuser just seems better to listen to
And I'm tired of the injustice toward abuse survivors. I'm tired that abusers can just say or do whatever and people give them a second chance for pretty much no valid reason, when they're so overly critical of the people who were literally abused (with criticism possibly their whole life)
And people are willing to actually hang out with p3d0s and rxpists and abusers because "they probably changed" but then the people that are hanging out with these p3d0s and rxpists are just so quick to be like "anyways I can't be your friend if you're a shit talker or you're bitter and haven't moved on from trauma yet". Like I'm talking shit but your bestie RXPED SOMEONE.
Like there's clearly some part of you that is not rationalizing things properly and is making you more likely to demonize and attack people for calling a rxpist a rxpist, than demonize the rxpist itself because they can play nice to specifically get on your good side by seeming perfect and never negative (which is a huge sign of manipulation but ok)
But I've found that I just can't save y'all and make y'all see that irrationality, and I shouldn't bother trying.
Because so many people just want me to extend my emotional labor to teaching abusers not to abuse, teaching abuse apologists not to be abuse apologists, and have wanted me to since I was a kid
And the more I rant and rave the more exhausted I get with this idea in mind that I'm ranting to save them and make them understand, and I know it just won't fix anything, not for me and not for y'all
Bc y'all are dead set on letting the abusers play the victim because they know how to play the self-pity game just right to seem more relatable than the angry abuse survivor, and make the angry abuse survivor seem like the big scary mean ones for growing a jagged edge to their moral compass
And y'all have been groomed to empathize more with a bad guy who cries victim than a good guy who is here to *do good* not just to pretend play nice. And I'm over trying to be the therapist that makes you understand how fxked that is.
And no this isn't me saying I'll just move on and be positive and be a good happy lil camper that just loves and tolerates everyone and never vents anymore.
This is me saying that the mental burden of your fxcked up, victim blamey perspective is not my responsibility to fix and I'm not going to rant with the idea that I CAN fix y'all.
Imma rant about how much I can't fucking stand y'all who weaponize ignorance and incompetence, and how much I want y'all to suffer and be as miserable as the rxpists that you ride for their approval, since y'all clearly are going to be on their side either way (until they fxk you over themselves).
And how much I know you're already at that level of misery if you genuinely can't shut the fuck up about abuse survivors for two seconds bc of your insecurity and fears making you project onto them all these things you're scared of being, and how delicious it tastes to me, and how much I crave to see more
Until you're in your 50's saying contradictory shit every two seconds and starting a fight every week like a toxic boomer because you no longer know who you are, what you stand for, and what is based on your authenticity vs your performativity, you just know you want to yell and scream away your insecurities.
And if you don't like it? Cope and seethe.
(bc I might rant a lot but at least I'm ranting for justice and I'm ranting bc y'all are actually being dicks and trying to ruin my mood for no reason- ranting about how survivors are bad bc they wont repress the things that happened to them like you do is very clearly a "I'm miserable and bitter and just won't admit it so I'll project it onto everyone else" thing. The problem is I don't attack good people, and y'all will attack anything that seems even mildly threatening to your insecurities).
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