in my mind i'm HERE

i'm sure a hug from her would heal me where it hurts

————————

About this…omg I HAVE to write something, this concept it’s so sad but so probably to be true…

Dude I just felt sad for his dads, imagine them being so happy that they're son it's finally going to rest and take a good sleep.

Holy! He slept his 8 hours as supposed to ! Finally after beggin all the time they're son it's finally taking care of his health and body, it just make them so proud...

Hey, it's lunch time already, come on little inkling, there's strawberrie mousse cake for dessert! It's one of your favorites isn't?, they even burn your piece a little whit a blowtorch so it's as you most like it.

Come on…

________________

Blue and Dream arrived in the morning, after the concern voices of parents, realizing they'r son was slowly turning colorless in an attempt to wake him up for breakfast. When they arrived ink's face had already lost all they're raimbow blush along whit the colors of he's clothing, right hand, all left leg and neck.

Dream knew that the only way to find the paint ink needed was in the doodle sphere, he opened a portal as soon as he looked how ink's right arm was slowly getting drain of color too. Ink already trust him enough to give him free access to it, maybe knowing that a situation like this might happen. Dream also thought of that at that moment, feeling so grateful and relief that he really could help one of he's favorite persons in the Multiverse…but there was nothing, no paint any were, no the one ink needed. "Dream ...it's my son there right ?" A blast of pain hit Dream as he listened to the "simple" question, the deepest pain that some one can feel, the despair of a father. The guardian of positivity keep he's stance just because he knew that he had to, it's my friend the one who needs me the most, I can't pass out right now.

"The magical paints your son needs aren't here any more, not in he's vials or doodle sphere, but they don't disappear out of nothing, t-they just go away for a time and then go back. That's why the use of the vials, they keept the paint while the source of the doodle sphere it's gone...l-I guess that this time they run out for to much time, the vials just wasn't enough any more."

It needed to be said and it was said, even if while the guardian spoke tears run and run from he's sad and tired orbits.

There was silence, and then just silent cries, and then cries, and then denial.

Blue was surprisingly calm, just crying whit out making any gesture, just tears running out as he hold he's friend left hand. It was already colorless.

"Everything it's going to be alright, I will make sure it never happens again. Never...ever." Blue stand up whit out letting go of he's hand completely and kiss ink's forehead, not the way a parent does whit a child, warm, like a way of saying I'm whit you little one, no, it was the way a knight kisses the hand of the one it swears to protect, determined, like a way of saying you got me, completely and fully by your side, no matter what, or how many I need to fight.

Blue went by Dream side, while trying to ignore the desperate cries of the parents who's son's life depended on something no one could control or predict, they just have to wait, whit out answer or a promise.

Blue hold dream knowing he's delicate condition in an environment so full of negative emotions. "I got you" it also kiss the guardians forehead. "I got you to" he holded the royal guard's hand.

"We got him".

“…”

"We have to tell Error".

Ink was Error’s favorite person in the Multiverse.

OH MY GODDDDD, THIS IS RUINING ME.

bringing ink to top and aster............oh my god.................. their devastation in seeing ink fall and slowly die in their eyes, KNOWING that ink had to see the same happen to aster and to each other. OH MY GODDDDD. TEAR ME APART.

and blue.....oh my god blue. the way he vows to never let this happen again and shielding dream from the misery because he knows they're vulnerable to the negative emotions???????? OH MYGDFDOOODDDDDDDDD.

"I got you." "I got you too." "We got him."

UGHG,,,,,,,,,,.......YURTGHG.......................RHEUGYUGGHHH.................

All the odd questions of the Edgy/misc OC ask meme for Loch please.

What memory would your OC rather just forget?

His one-night stand with Ash. Because Amir was right, Loch wasn't some stupid confused teenager anymore. He was a grown man who even drunk knew it was a bad idea, knew he wasn't in the right headspace to give more than that, knew he was in a rebound friend's-with-benefits thing with Alice only because he'd just got out of another relationship and questioning his sexuality and whether he was even capable of being a person in a relationship, with anyone. He knew all that, and still got drunk and did it anyway. He convinced himself they both knew what they were doing and one brief moment of pleasure would be fine, when it really cost his already spiralling mental health, and the trust and mental health of Asher. And even though they're good (mostly) now, he knows he can never take it back, and he can never change that it put Ash in that vulnerable position for someone like Finn to swoop in.

What is your OC's fatal flaw? Are they aware of this flaw?

Not communicating honestly with people. Not just Ash, but really anyone. He rarely lets anyone know his actual wants and needs, I guess because growing up they didn't really matter.

How far is your OC willing to go to get what they want?

I mean, depends. We know Loch has very specific lines he won't cross, but... he is still a Karaish, and all of them have a sort of built-in "the rules don't apply to me" kind of mentality lol.

What's one way your OC has changed since you first came up with them?

Loch was supposed to AroAce which is honestly hilarious to me now. I mean, he is very much not asexual at all lmao, but he is kinda still on the aromantic spectrum. He knows he's never felt any romantic inclination towards any women, but he's not sure how that applies to men, though to be honest, he's at a point now where it doesn't really matter. If it's not Asher, it's no one. I really don't think he'd ever have actually been with someone legitimately if it weren't Ash.

What is your OC's weapon of choice? Have they ever actually used it?

His words, and absolutely lol. It comes out more when he's drunk, but even sober push him enough and his tongue turns vicious.

If you met your OC, would the two of you get along?

Absodamnlutely lmao. Mainly because we're pretty alike, but also because it reminds me of the catty banter relationships I have with my friend's IRL, or some of my old work friends. Extra yes because he's a guy I could have that kind of friendship with knowing he wouldn't be catching feelings too so I wouldn't have to worry about it lol.

Does your OC have a faceclaim? If so, who?

Noooooope. All of Gen 3 happened before I really knew of the concept of face claims lmao.

What is the worst thing you have put your OC through story-wise?

Made his parents emotionally absent af whilst still being physically present lmao. Like, there's so many specific events in his life I could point to instead, but him stepping in to parent his younger sibs is like, the root cause of most of his issues. But his parents weren't ever abusive, or even truly neglectful, and in their own way they are still loving parents. So it's kinda... complicated? Like, he loves them and can't hate them, and he feels any bitterness towards them isn't really worth addressing, and it's not like they can do anything about it now anyway. Like, it's not going to change what it did to him. It made him the person he is and that can't be undone, so why ruin that relationship now?

How does your OC behave when enraged?

He usually either gets bitchy or he lashes out, depending on the specifics.

Does your OC have any illnesses or disorders? How do they handle it?

~anxiety~. for which he currently takes meds and has been through a course of CBT.

What emotion is the hardest for your OC to process? How about express?

Vulnerability. He hates feeling it, and hates showing it. So he runs from it, or twists it into something else, like anger.

What is your favorite thing about your OC?

He's a lil bitch and honestly, I ~vibe~ with it lol. Especially now he's making that petty, bitchy side of himself more public. Like, there's a lot about him that drives me fuckin insane, but his cattiness definitely isn't one of them lmao.

"70 Horrible Questions" Ask Game:

14, 17, 37, 52, and 68!! :D

14: Do you miss someone?

I miss several someones all the time. Family members who have passed, friends that are far away, people that used to have a bigger role in my life that don't anymore.

17: Ever made out in the bathroom?

Oh yes.

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?

Woof. I think it depends on the situation. I think for some cases it's easy to forgive the person for hurting you but you'll never forget the way it felt or how it affected you and it follows that person like a shadow. In other cases I think it's easy to forget exactly what transpired, but the damage is done and you know better than to forgive them and let them back in just because the wound is less noticeable now.

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

I try to rationalize everything, using logic to try to explain why things happen. To a fault, in most cases, since that means I often don't let myself feel whatever emotions I need to (other than frustration when I CAN'T logically explain the reason for something). I think things always have a *cause*, but sometimes shit just happens. And we have to make the best choices in the moment based on whatever information we do have.

68: Who's the last person you had a deep conversation with?

Oh boy. I've been dealing with a lot of health stuff so I've had some serious conversations with my partner recently. But deep and emotional stuff? Probably @blurred-antics (<3)

Ask away!

I'm surprised to realize that I have not mentioned this here.

I left my job at the casino. I was under a microscope from somebody above my boss. I don't know who, but that doesn't really matter.

I have health issues. I was in the emergency room twice in a week. Then I went home early a few times after throwing up into trash cans at work because it would come on too suddenly for me to make it to the restroom. As a result, I was put on probation.

The writing was on the wall, so instead of getting fired I terminated my own employment. Everybody has been nice about it (at least those I have spoken with). And I hold no anger towards the casino or anyone there. Not even whoever it was who decided that I was on very thin ice, and tap dancing. Depending on what comes next, they may have done me a favor.

For now I am resting after over seven years of working on my feet, and adjusting back to a more "normal" sleep schedule. I used to wake up at 9pm for my graveyard shift. Today I got up at 6pm. It's a process.

I still wake up for moments to roll over and think "Who am I wrking with tonight? What specific things do I need to get done tonight?" And then I realize that neither question applies anymore.

I know I burned the bridge with the company. I only gave 18 hours notice. But I am honestly thanking everyone I speak to with whom I worked. Until receently, it was overall a wonderful experience. I even enjoyed it recently, but had added stress because of the situation. But I generally like (almost) everyone I worked with (and those I wasn't a fan of are gone -- I even get along with employees who almost everyone else does not like; it's all about how you approach them). I had over seven good years there. But it was time to move on.

There are a LOT of times throughout my career, and different jobs, where I ask an employee to do something they would rather no do and they respond "If any other manager had asked me to do that, I would refuse. But since it is you, I'll do it." When I was new at the casino, I told a porter (read: custodian) that my first rule of being a manager is to never ask someone to do something that I would not do. One night, someone vomited on the restroom floor. I couldn't just walk away from it, so I grabbed a handful of towels and started cleaning it up. My porter just happened to walk in as I was doing it. I did not advertise that I would be doing it. He walked in, saw me on my hands and knees (back when my hands and knees worked right) and said "Wow, you really did mean it when you said you wouldn't ask us to do anything you would not do!" From that point on, he never complained when I asked him to do something.

Iam really going to miss both my coworkers and my guests. I went in last night just to collect a few personal things. I forgot about my umbrella, but it felt awkward being there so soon after resigning. I refused to go into the office. That wouldn't feel right. The office is employees only. So the other manager grabbed a few things, then we spoke for a bit and shook hands. This is the manager with whom I did not get along for months. They we had it out and understood each other better and then we got along. We shook hands. I got to wish my security guard the best and shake his hand. I got to say goodbye to a bartender with whom I generally only worked with once per week, but we had good conversations on that one night per week. I got emotional enough that I had to let it pass before I drove home. Driving home with blurred vision from crying would probably be about as dangerous as drunk driving.

I still get emotional over it. I had been there since mid-July 2016. This is the end of a long chapter in my life. I am still a little surprised I went through with it. But I was going to be pushed out if I didn't walk out on my own. And I know this was not what my boss wanted. He did not want to suspend me Friday morning. It was onlytwo days, but it also came with 90 days probation, like when I first hired in, but more strict suspension. If I even left work early, I was likely going to be fired from the sounds of it, even if I am sick.

I woke up to a message from the assistant property manager (he was part of the disciplinary meeting when I was suspended) telling me he thinks I did the best thing for my physical and mental health.

There is only one sour taste that I have in my mouth.

We were robbed at gunpoint in July of this year. Our county has an app where I can make sure they are still in jail. But one of our employees has severe PTSD after having a gun aimed at them. I was in a break area when the robbery happened and didn't know it had happened until the robbers had left. I called 911, not knowing that another employee was already on the phone with them. AFTER I called 911, the employees said that the gunmen had said they would come back to shoot and kill us all if we called law enforcement. I may not have been out there, but I have been robbed at gunpoint. This was mid-2000s. I still have flashbacks.

So if they said they didn't feel safe and wanted to go home, I would let them. I have a heart. Sure, it left us short staffed, but my most recent boss would agree that part of being a manger is running the business, but we also have to care for our staff.

Then it came down from HR that if this person called off or went home early, we had to give very specific reasons.

First, they already know the specific reasons. They are just being picky. They have a note from this person's psychiatrist detailing how deeply her PTSD goes. One other time she had fallenwhile getting out of bed and felt like she may fall again during her shift, and I put that down as the reason. But I was being askedd to go deeper into asking about and announcing her private medical information. That rubbed me very much the wrong way.

This is not the bartender I saw last night, but they are one of the first people I told after I made it official and we spoke on the phone and wished each other well. We do have each other's phone numbers so it was not necessarily goodbye. But she is this sweet ld lady who can party. Emloyees are entitled to one free "after shift" drink whether they are gambling or not (if not gambling they have to pay for any further drinks but the casino's drinks cost less than any other bar nearby). She ordered a shot of Fireball and a manager who is thinking of leaving early next year (one of two planning to leave -- I don't know that they will be able to maintain a 24-hours-a-day operation with as many of us as they are losing) decided, as a joke, to fulll a "bucket glass" with Fireball (if you aren't familiar with "bucket glass," think rum & Coke sized, but not the tall 12 or 16 oz glass). He figured he was just wasting booze but that it would be funny.

Then this sweet old black lady, always demure and quiet, picked up the glass and slowly downed the entire thing in one go. The rest of the graveyard crew and the manager just stared and dropped our jaws. It really was impressive. The manager asked if she wanted another one and she wisely said no.

This same guy once made me a Jack and Coke in a tall glass and filled it up about 7/8 of the way (after icing the glass) with Jack Danieals, then just added a splash of Pepsi (they are a Pepsi company). I nursed that thing for about an hour and a half. I wasn't going to down it like a bucket glass of Fireball and then drive home. The other crew member who had a drink with us had a wine glass ful of tequila. And the company wonders why the cost of goods for the bar is so high. That bar will never in the history of the casino make a profit. It's their loss leader. Most drinks are complimentary. But it keeps people at the slot machines, which is where the profit comes from. Even when someone wins a huge (and my huge, at this casino that is as high as $15,750), it is actually good for the bottom line. Because they tell their friends, who then come in thinking they will win. And paying jackpots was my favorite part of the job. There is just something about laying out thanksands of dollars in front of someone while counting it out to them. I always loved when people win.

After all, I also watched people go completely broke chasing the big win. I saw one once (well, I didn't actually see it, but I saw the afttermath) run out of money, drain their bank account, run out of money again, then beg people for $3 in gas money to be able to get home (if I would have seen that, I would have had to ask her to leave, but I found out after the fact). When someone (another sweet old lady who I haven't seen since COVID hit so I have a feeling she is no longer...capable of visiting, let's put it that way) told me, I saw the one who had asked for $3 -- you guessed it, gambling that $3 to try to turn it into more.

But people do not seem to understand how slot machines work. Sure, they pay back generally close to 90% of what they take in. That is mandated by the state. But that is an OVERALL percentage. The machines will take and they will take. Then one person will get lucky, and the machine stays in compliance. There is never a guarantee that a guest will win at all. I once put $60 in a machine, bet the minimum of 75¢, and ran out of money without a SINGLE winning spin. Not even a win that paid less than my bet. Not even a one penny win. I never played that game again. But I have paid jackpots on that machine. I was just the unlucky one that time.

Another time, before I started spending more for better health insurance (and thank goodness I did that), I had a game that I liked to play. Most machines have higner payout percentages if you bet more. I would take $200 of each paycheck and use it in that game and either play until that money was gone or until I hit something good. And even if I lost, I had the means to make it until the next paycheck. After upping my health insurance, I was gambling maybe $20 per month at most.

But this one day I was betting $8.80 (it has a Chinese theme and the way the number 7 is considered lucky by many here, there it's the number 8 that is considered lucky). I got a reel combination that resulted in a win of $4,320. On that day, I was the lucky one. For that matter, every employee working at the time (other than the manager -- graveyard is supposedly the only shift where managers can accept tips because we are wearing more hats as far as job duties), some other managers do, but I figure that is between them and the company) -- but every employee other than the manager was handed a $100 bill by me. Tips/tokes/gratuities are NEVER required. I've had to have this conversation many times over the years when employees help with a jackpot and there is no tip. I have to tell them "Yes, they just won $4,000, that does not mean they have not lost a lot more than that." And I could look at their stats if they were using a player's card and see that even after a jackpot like that, they have still lost a lot of money.

It was a very interesting business to work in. I do not at all regret my time with the company. And my boss was very kind when I called him at 5am to tell him I would not be working there anymore, effective immediately. SSo yeah, I deefinitely burned the bridge with the company. But I am staying positive about the people I worked with and the overall experience. Behind Disneyland, this was the second favorite job I have ever had. I may be sad about how it went down at the end, but overall it was a fantastic experience and I will remember the good years I had. I met good people. I worked with good people. I served guests who were awesome to have in the casino.

Granted, there was the guy who tried to jump through a window trying to escape deputies. There was the robbery. There was the guy (who thankfully moved to the other side of the country) who would come in hammered off his rear and want drinks. He once offered me $10,000 for one beer. I said that even if he pulled out $10,000 on the spot, I would still say no. I doubt he had $10,000 on him. I would show him the door, then he would come back even druner, and with no memory of having been there earlier. There were fights. We had a guy break one of our doors (not the window thing -- he actually slit the wood slamming it open because he was upset that I asked to check his ID to make sure he was old enough to be there).

There was some workplace drama between people, but I did my best to stay out of it. If I could understand where both were coming from, I would sit with them and help them hash things out. But if one person came to me complaining about an issue they have with someone else but I'm not seeing what they were (I wrote "are" -- I have to get used to past tense with this job), I just tell them I don't want to hear the complaints. I heard it already, made a decision not to act because I don't see the thing they are complaining about, or it does not involve my shift at all,but people tend to just harp on it (sort of like me with this post).

There was once (quite a few years ago) we had an emplyee ask to go home sick. Their request was granted. Then they sat at a slot machine gambline for hours. We had a manager have too much to drink and cause a HUGE scene. Because of them, a rule was made that managers could not have more than two drinks in a day at the casino (just the one Jack and Coke I had that one day broke that rule). But that rule went away when that manager left. It was a specific rule to keep them in line.

But the good FAR outweighs the challenges. Iam curious to see how things go now that I am gone. But it would probably have to be through the grapevine. When I went in to pick up a few personal items, it felt strange even though I refused to go into the office (after all, the office is "employees only" and I no longer qualify). Just just being there, at least this soon after my employment ending, felt odd.

But I will find something new. It is a new chapter. A fresh start. A chance to maybe sleep normal hours (not sure I will get there; depends on what the nex step in employment is). And two fellow managers have offered to write me glowing recommendations, so that is good. I have definitely burned the bridge with the company. I have not burned any bridges with those with whom I worked. And Ihave no reason to burn any bridges. I worked with a good group of people. This boss was up there with the best bosses I've ever had. And I know everything coming down on me was not his decision (trust me, I've worked for him for over seven years; he is not a liar so if he says he is being told to do something by above him in the company, I believe him). He has proven over the years that he genuinely cares. He once LITERALLY saved my life by sending me to the hospital. Nurses, after doing blood work, were shocked I was still even alive. I had told my boss that the next day was my Friday, so I would go then to not miss work if I was kept overnight. Nurses said that if I would have ignored my boss and waited, I would have definitely died that day. Three days and two blood transfusions later, I was back on my feet and back at work.

So again, despite the fact that it came down to "leave on your own terms, or their terms?" I will always look back at my years there as a good experience. I learned a lot. Not just about the casino business, but how to be a more effective manager. As inconvenient as the times of training classes can be (great, let's go to a noon two hour training class when I have to be up at 9pm for work), the training program is good. And ongoing. You don't just go through initial training and then you're on your own. Classes are even repeated to keep it fresh. There is a binder of shift manager operating procedures in the office that we are told to read four times a year. Most of it is mundane and simple and there were pages that I skipped because I was there for so long I knew them. But there are also some special circumstances covered that it was helpful to re-read. Tehnically I was breaking a rule when I gave CPR at the casino one night. But if a 911 operator is telling me to do it, I am not going to argue. It's like the casino attendant who saw the robbery starting and was not seen, and immediately went outside to call 911, and told them -- when the robbers left -- which way they went, he could have gotten fired for that even though he did EXACTLY the right thing; not per policy, but as a person. All of the managers, including me, GANGED UP on HR to make sure he would not lose his job for having his cell phone on him or not having a manager be the one to make the call (I was uot back, and the other manager was a little busy being held at gunpoint and being threatened with death if he so much as touched his cell phone).

There are things about the company I will never understand. Like, I have an Apple Watch, and a new policy was emailed from HR a few days ago saying they are not allowed. And yet when I was part of drop night until this past monday, whoever was counting money would call me on my personal number (even not carrying my phone, even though I did start carrying it against the rules), I could answer on my watch. If I am not supposed to have it, why did my bosses call me on it?

But I did like when people would see me talking to another manager on my watch. I felt like Inspector Gadget. The difference is that his calls with Penny or Brain (did he have video calls with Brain? I forget) were video calls. Mine were audio calls.

Anyway, I need to shut up. I just have a lot of emotions in me right now. But the fact that my boss did not try to convince me to stay (he can be VERY pursuasive) and my other casino-level boss is telling me that he thinks it was the right thing makes me feel better about the decision. They know I got out before I was forced out. I was not sure about the "forced out" option but I had a feeling. Their reactions tell me that my intuition was correct. I do not know what is next, but I needed to turn that page. I just happen to be on a blank page right now. But the text will continue. I am going to miss the heck out of that job. Not as much as I miss Disneyland, but they were good to me for a long time. It's just a shame that I fell under the microscope because of health issues that they have documentation from doctors about. But I will not let that spoin my memories. A few people say I should sue them for holding medical issues against me, but I do not want that hassle. When I went down in January, I called my boss to tell him that I was ready to return to work, but told him that I would be using a walked. He said "absolutely not in a walker." Then he got chewed out about reasonable accomodation, and he let me back. And the funny thing is that whoever enforced reasonable accomodation is likely the same person who now wanted me out. I do not know that for sure.

So, yeah. That happened. I will see what the next chapter entails. All I know is that she won't discover that it's him 'til chapter three (Beauty and the Beast reference unrelated to my situation). As emotional as this time is, I have to find those moments of humor and happiness. It is a huge change in my life, but I have to remain myself, even under stress. And the encouraging words of even my bosses tell me that not only do they accept my decision, but they want what is best for me in the long run.

It's almost like the last time I was at Disneyland in 2019. I saw one of my old managers on the parade route irecting the sales of glow merchandise (it was always his thing) and I walked up to say hello. I look a LOT different than I did as a cast member. I'm much older and balder and more wrinkly. He recognized me as soon as he saw me. And right before the Main Street Electrical Parade (I think -- maybe it was Paint the Night by then; speaking with a former colleague who was maybe my best boss ever was more important to me than the parade). I remember "shooting out the lights on Main Street." I would take two glow swords and recreat the 1992 opening ceremony to the Barceloa Olympics (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gmRf41SVHS4). Except opposite. That guy used a bow and flaming arrow to light the Olympic torch (and it really was an impressive shot). I used my (fake) bow and arrow to turn the lights off for the parade. I always got at least some applause directed at me, not just the parade. I used to walk down Main Street U.S.A. and get cheered. Even during other parades, I would (badly) dance (I am not much of a danceer). But people recognized that I was trying and they would applaud.

I will not remember the casino QUITE as well as I do Disneyland. But I wil remember it fondly.

There will come a time when I will make another appearance at the casino. After I am employed again, I may even gamble some. But it is too soon, other than picking up some personal items yesterday.

Happy holidays Mod Azul!! :) May I request Octavinelle and what they do after a fight with their s/o? Thank you and I hope ur having a wonderful break!

How does Octavinelle handle a fight with their s/o?

Note: I kind of also get into how they fight in general. Darker and less chipper than my normal writing so please proceed carefully!

CW: Angst, this operates on the assumption that it was a pretty serious fight, mentions of bad mental health and poor coping (Floyd), mentions of physical abuse (no abuse actually occurs, Floyd just scares himself with the thought in Floyd and Jade's parts), Jade Leech is toxic and manipulative (he ends up in every one of these warnings, no one is surprised), mentions of a breakup (but unconfirmed if it happens or not), they ALL suck at communicating.

Azul Ashengrotto

Azul is incredibly shaken up, but unlike when he was a child, he manages to hold himself together much better than he used to.

Azul is definitely the first one to walk away from the argument-- not everything he used to do is gone. He still has the tendency to go and hide even if it's in a less literal sense. He needs the time to lick his wounds and the the distance to think clearly.

The moment he is alone and he's fully confident that he won't be bothered, he absolutely breaks down. He ugly cries and wallows for at least ten to fifteen minutes, and then once that's out of his system he can actually start thinking about things clearly.

Azul, being the kind of person he is, always chooses his words exceedingly carefully. He has trained himself not to say things that someone can leverage against him. Regardless of the fact that it was an argument, he's doesn't say things he regrets. That means, unfortunately, any painful things that come out during said argument are his whole, honest thoughts.

He needs to be away from the situation to plan. Azul never approaches a situation with anything but utmost caution and consideration. He has probably thought through thousands of scenarios about how to approach them about the argument before he actually does it.

It can make him seem a little cold, honestly, because from their perspective, it must seem like he's very unaffected. That couldn't be further from the case, though, when he steps back he's trying to find a solution or compromise that will be considerate for both of them. That being said, it's not something he discusses with them before he proposes it, so it all depends on the partner whether that escalates their fight or not.

Floyd Leech

Floyd's emotions escalate quickly. The moment they start arguing, his filter drops entirely. He definitely falls a bit into the trap of tossing barbs he knows are low blows, and will regret it later.

Floyd would never do anything to hurt them, but at the same time, he's incredibly afraid that somewhere in him there's the capacity for it. He creates physical distance from them and does not want to be in touching-distance because he scares himself. If his emotions are a mystery to everyone else, they're about a thousand times more confusing to him and the thought that he can't predict himself is something that he worries about. Truthfully, Floyd doesn't give himself enough credit in this regard: he wouldn't ever hurt them intentionally, he doesn't have the capacity to hurt someone he cares about that much.

Floyd himself would admit to being a coward-- the moment he sees an opening to escape the conversation he's leaping at it, even if it ends up making things worse.

He spends the next several hours to several days sulking, just depending on the severity of the fight. He tends to just... avoid, rather than to confront his partner, so the chances of him coming to seek a resolution on his own are nearly zero. If anyone is going to intervene, it's either going to be his partner, his brother, or Azul on his behalf.

Self loathing. A lot of self loathing. He has a certain baseline for kinda hating himself normally, and it sometimes fluctuates one way or the other. After an argument, though? It's off the charts. He upsets himself with some of the things he knows he said to them which makes his mood worse which makes him continue to beat himself up. It's a self-sustaining cycle.

Jade Leech

Jade is probably the worst of the three. Arguing with Jade is pretty rare because he's usually pretty amicable and agreeable so long as things are going in a way that he can see being entertaining and beneficial to him. The moment that switch is flipped, though, Jade is outright brutal.

Where to begin, honestly. He's a nightmare. The moment the tension with his partner snaps and they start arguing with him, they've just secured a ticket to one hell of a guilt trip. Jade loves them, but with the way he knows how precisely which buttons to press to escalate the argument you wouldn't guess it.

Jade knows they aren't stupid, so while he says a lot, he leaves plenty unsaid that they can fill in the gaps of, and when they do it will more than likely make them feel terrible.

Where Azul and Floyd know when to back down, Jade does not. He will stick out the argument until one of two things happen: his partner walks out or he is asked/told to leave. And if they ask him to leave, he's going to make them feel terrible for it. He won't tell them where he's going or even text them after the fact-- it will be entirely up to them to find him first.

Jade really doesn't suffer with sitting in uncomfortable feelings the way that Azul and Floyd do. Sure, he loves them and it sucks to argue, but he's not nearly as uncomfortable in that tense environment as they are. It happened, what's done is done, and now he has to deal with the consequences of his actions. It is what it is, and if that means that his partner breaks things off with him, he understands that's perfectly within their right. He truly wouldn't blame them.

An area where Jade and Floyd are sort of similar and sort of different in one area: they both avoid fights with their partners because they are afraid of hurting them. The big difference is, though, that while Floyd is afraid of hurting them physically, he would never actually be capable of doing it. Jade isn't afraid of hurting them physically, but is deeply aware he can and has hurt them emotionally because it was (at least partially) intentional. It's not a trait he's proud of and he will try to work on it in time, but that's not going to make the actions he does before any more excusable.

Jade kind of traps himself. After the dust has settled and he realizes what he's done, by that point he's pretty certain that he should give them the space they need to parse their emotions and figure out their feelings toward him. However, since he doesn't know how long that will take and he doesn't want to backslide and escalate the argument further accidentally by stepping in too soon, he ends up just waiting for them to come to him first. He also would need his partner, his brother, or Azul to intervene before he would address the situation.

this may sound morbid but is there a way to know when we would pass away?

So, there are several questions that I think we have to answer before we can answer the big "Can you predict when you will die?" question.

First: "Is there a way to accurately predict the future?"

I think, yes. You can use various methods to predict future events with relative accuracy. Level of accuracy depends heavily on the diviner's skill, the quality of the question, and the divination method used to make the prediction.

Second: "Is divination infallible?"

No, absolutely not. Even the most accurate, tried-and-true, skilled diviner will get it wrong sometimes. Humans are liable to make mistakes. We get caught in bias, we miss details, we misunderstand cues. It happens. Everyone who's ever done divination has looked back on a reading and gone, "Ah, shit! How did I miss that??"

Third: "Is the future set in stone?"

Fuck no. I don't think so. Choices matter.

I believe that divination predicts one path forward. You could divine a hundred times and receive a hundred possible outcomes and have not a single one of them come true. That doesn't mean that the divination was wrong or that it didn't work, necessarily -- just that the choices made between the divination and the event have changed the future.

The future is mutable. It's in flux right up until the moment we arrive and future becomes present.

Fourth: "Can I predict when I'll die?"

I mean, based on my answers to questions one through three, you can kind of guess my answer to this one. You can, sure. But will it be accurate?

I'm inclined to lean toward no on accuracy. When you "know" something's going to happen, you change your behavior. Even if you want the outcome, your subconscious is now Aware, and your actions will shift whether you realize it or not.

But beyond that, the typical person who asks the question, "When will I die?" is... well, anxious. Worried. Sad. Biased. The inherent emotional bias -- no matter how disconnected you are in the moment from that emotion -- is unavoidable. You're liable to see what you want to see (or what you expect to see) in the divination.

Now, there are two more questions I think we ought to consider...

Fifth: "Should I predict when I'll die?"

That's up to you, I think. I sure fuckin wouldn't. For one, I may very well be wrong. Frankly, I probably will be wrong, because there are so many circumstances between then and now, and I don't want to die, so I'm obviously going to make changes that will affect the outcome.

For another, why would I want that deadline looming over my head? I would rather not know and focus on living. I've got enough anxiety over meeting the commitments I've already got, I don't need to worry about being late for death. If I'm wrapped up in The End, I'll never see The Now.

If you ask the question, "When will I die?" and get an answer like, "in 30 years from cancer," you're not likely to just... sit on that. You're going to be internally biased to get screenings more often. Maybe you quit smoking. Maybe you catch the signs early and live for 60 more years because you were able to remove the tumor before it spread. Maybe you get so anxious about dying in 30 years that your health tanks and you die earlier than that.

And if that's the case, why bother asking when you'll die? Why not ask, "How can I improve my health?" or "What can I do to extend my lifespan?" or "Is there suffering coming my way, and how can I prevent/improve the situation?"

Think constructively.

And, finally:

Sixth: "Should I pay someone to predict when I'll die?"

I cannot stress this enough: Absolutely. Fucking. Not.

The people you see online who offer divination services to this effect are doing so for shock value. It's unreliable, and frankly, I'm of the rather spicy opinion that it's predatory. The people who want these types of readings often have really serious issues going on that need actual help, not sensationalized "perfect accuracy, down to the minute!" tarot readings. I don't care how intuitive these people claim to be. It sucks.

You should not trust your health to divination or magic of any kind. Mundane solutions over magical ones. That's not to say you can't also do a little health spell or prediction for your situation. I'm just saying that death is a matter of health, and you should handle it the same way you would handle other health issues.

Also, anyone who advertises absolute perfect accuracy in any kind of divination, particularly when accurate timings are involved, is a smidge of a red flag for me. Near-perfect is another thing -- skilled and experienced and well-regarded are in a very safe class.

Do not, I repeat, do not let anyone tell you when you're going to die. At best, it's from a well-meaning individual who just wants to give people what they want from a divination reading (or an oblivious "intuitive" at a cocktail party, as the personal case may be). At worst, it's a knowing, intentional cash-grab from someone who wants to profit off your insecurities.

Either way, don't buy.

Hey, if you like my work, consider tossing a handful of dollars in my tip jar. I get a couple dollars, you get access to my entire backlog of exclusive work for 30 days. Win-win.

TAZ NC Day 5- Promise

Wanted to do a Lupcretia piece, and ended up projecting onto my girl Lucretia. While there are no trigger warnings really applicable to this piece, please be aware that Lucretia in this is suffering from a mental health episode, implied to be BPD. I want everyone to be safe, this is based on my own experience with the disorder. Story below the keep reading line :)

Lup was like a dream. She drifted between the billowing curtains, the sheer ones that let all the light in--a stark contrast to the heavy duty ones Lucretia preferred with her sleep schedule--, and danced to music that no one else could hear. Lucretia's hands ached, to draw her, to hold her, to write about her, anything at all. But she was stuck. She was paralyzed. Lup said something Lucretia couldn't quite catch, and she turned to look at her but Lup had no face. And then Lucretia woke up. 

It was familiar now, the nightmares that came from losing Lup to the world. Barry was still looking, as was Taako, and Lucretia found herself paralyzed in indecision. Their plan was clearly not working, but she didn't want to be the one to bring it up, she couldn't be the one to bring it up. It would destroy Taako, destroy Barry. 

Plus she had promised. 

Lup laid across Lucretia's lap, the casualness making Lucretia's heart flutter. She felt whole with Lup, the sort of belonging that she only felt when she was emotionally dependent on a person. She knew it was terrible. She couldn't stop. 

Lucretia was an emotional person, given to bouts of finding everything good or bad, black and white. Lup was an anchor in the storm, reminding Lucretia why she still tried so hard to be around. Why she still took the time to record everything. Lup was stable in a way that Lucretia never was, despite Lup's chaotic upbringing and Lucretia's perfect one. It seemed perfect from the outside anyways.

It was after a stolen kiss, well, not stolen, but it felt that way to Lucretia. Any physical affection had to be stolen as there was no way to receive it from others honestly. Barry knew about them, he even made it clear to Lucretia that this was ok with him, but laying in bed with Lup with legs tangled always felt like a betrayal somehow. She always felt as though she was betraying others. 

It was after a stolen kiss when Lup made her promise. "Hey Luc," her golden eyes had been earnest in the moment Lucretia could meet her gaze, "if anything happens to me, I need you to promise me that you won't run this time."

"I wouldn't run." Lucretia argued, knowing in her mind that she had a bigger plan, although the shape of it was still rough. "That's not what I would do."

"Well, what would you do?" Lup leaned against the wall, crossing her arms and smiling. "Got some big plan that no one knows about?"

"I wouldn't do it." Lucretia looked at the ground, at their shoes. 

"But?"

"But I would go back to my plan."

"Then promise that."

"Promise what?"

"That you won't enact that plan." 

"I promise." She meant it at the time too. Lup had smiled and taken her hand, and they had run onto the deck together, and Lucretia had meant it. 

But that was when Lup was here, when Lup was safe. When Lucretia was relatively stable and had an anchor. She knew she should have developed some coping skills, some way to cope with what her brain put her through, but her coping skill had been Lup, and Lup was gone. 

She had promised though. 

Lucretia took a deep breath, tucked a braid behind her ear and decided. She had broken promises before, so what was one more? After all, they would never remember after this anyways. 

She began to redact. 

Am i the only one who is getting the feels watching Jun and Haesung together in these 2 new episodes 🥰

What i like from these episodes are:

I really like how the director finally shows more dynamic between the two.

On my previous post, I mentioned about Jun on how he is not having any emotional baggage and I hope to see more of his character development. It turns out that he has some commitment issues and he feels co - dependent towards the people he's close with (Shim siblings)

Based on the latest episodes, seems like his family dynamic and his parent's relationship makes him less interested in building family life together with someone. Added with the fact that he grew up with Shim siblings together and he knew all their hardships. Who knows maybe he's had his heart broken before?

Meanwhile Haesung still believes in things like happy ending. But she always attracts the wrong guy and based on the previous diss from Jun in previous episodes ( where they met at the restaurant with the lead), Haesung is also attracted with bad boys and the boys who seem to readily give her all the attention she craves.

I like the fact that the youngest brother noticed Jun and Haesung's relationship instead of his and Woojo. Probably he has already thought if both of them kissing and that is why he said "i would not even care if you both kissing"

I wished we could have more interaction between Haesung and his parents. Perhaps in the next episode, she could at least help to repair their relationship?

Seems like when Haesung and the father cleared their throat, probably Haesung will be closer to his father instead of Mom?

Mom might be wary of Haesung especially since she supposedly treats Jun as her precious son. She said about wearing Yellow is not good maybe because she views Haesung as a bright person to Jun (different from Woojo and his family dynamic) and when she said see you again , she expects to see her more. Even though Mom finds out that Jun lied about his relationship with Haesung.

Jun's Mom represents all the viewers feeling who are confused about his feeling for Woojo or Haesung. But it goes to show that he cares for both girls with the intent of having different purpose (one cares as a friend and one cares the other as a girl). Jun explains in the episode to his Mom that he cares for Haesung despite his brashness towards her

I think that when Jun asked her for a drink after their family lunch, is when she knew that Jun needs alone time the most. Since she is an empath, she decides not to accept the call from the security guy because she knows that Jun needs someone to talk to. So she gladly hears his thought.

I feel bad at Haesung, she knows that she used the security guy as the rebound to forget her ex. She remembers Jun's word to about being more transparent with her feeling and emotion. She really tries to make the relationship work despite incompatibility. She starts being honest about her mental health and the prescribed medicine she took.  However since the guy seems immature and does not know much about mental health, he just casually acts as if its nothing. Meanwhile, this scene could be a key point of both Jun and Haesung's relationship. Because shit gets real now when Jun hugs Haesung back and feels her sadness.

His reaction on Ep 10 is different from the one had in the first episode where he accompanied Haesung to the karaoke and sing her heart out. Sure, he feels protective - but at that moment , it just feels like " Again? Crying about guys? Okay then, I will accompany you since your sister is nowhere to be found" . On the other hand, This time I think that this is where Jun is scared and pained when he saw Haesung crying. Because it just feels different, its not just a normal heartbreak. Even Haesung's cried is different. Seems like Haesung never hugs him/ rarely hugs him so if it happens the situation might be serious

So far I think that one who has a feeling first is Jun. Because Haesung seems not realizing her feeling. Sure she cares for him and thinks he is handsome, but its not to the point where she has a deep feeling for him. She cares about him because Jun is always there for her.

Doctor Strange: Nexus of Nightmares Review

This one will be different, though. Instead of focusing on what happens in the story, I’ll be focusing on the elements that make this story one of the best Doctor Strange stories I’ve ever read (and this is not an exaggeration). You see, it’s not really about the plot but the care and affection the team put into making it.

I’d like to start with my favorite topic: Stephen’s mental health. For those who read v4, it’s not surprising to see that the burden of the Sorcerer Supreme is not only heavy because it demands a lot from the wielder, but mostly because Stephen’s backstory is also full of insecurities and destructive behavior (1, 2 and 3). In Nexus of Nightmares, Stephen struggles with intrusive thoughts regarding his past and self-worth. He’s most definitely afraid of being arrogant (WHICH IS SOMETHING I KEEP SAYING WHENEVER HE’S PORTRAYED AS ARROGANT AND THIS IS WHY IT’S SO OUT OF CHARACTER FOR HIM NOWADAYS).

It’s true that Nightmare’s influence worsened Stephen’s mental state, and yet, it was said that these intrusive thoughts came before this plan. It was something that was already part of Stephen’s struggles.

In his dreams, his most dreadful fear is actually being rejected by The Ancient One, not having his good heart acknowledged and, most of all, having his mentor’s disbelief. The Ancient One was like a father figure to Stephen and the first person to recognize that, despite all his arrogance, he was deep down a good man. And denying all that truly makes Stephen desperate. Ngl, telling the truth and having no one to believe in your word is actually a terrible feeling. One of my favorite franchises was born this way, and I’ve also been there. It’s honestly suffocating so I really felt this scene.

Using Stephen’s poor mental health as an advantage, Mordo invades the Sanctum and steals the Darkhold in order to open a gate between Earth’s plane and the Realm of Dreams. He easily defeats both Stephen and Wong and proceeds with his plan.

And here comes another favorite aspect of this book that I deeply adored: Wong and Stephen’s relationship. Wong is Stephen’s emotional anchor. And this is SO on point that we can easily see how Stephen’s mental health gets worse the moment Wong leaves him in v4. This story was made to portray them and how much Stephen depends on Wong to even function. It’s just so... This is in fact a Wongrange love letter and I cannot stress this enough.

Wong is the one responsible for lifting Stephen. Although I wish Wong had a more important role in pretty much everything (I once imagined him as the Iron Fist and I don’t know peace ever since a), if not for him, Stephen would never be able to save humanity. Not only in this specific story, but pretty much throughout the entirety of v4.

Lastly, the characterization of every single character? ON POINT. SO ON POINT. The classic rhetorics, the old school spells, it’s really how it feels to read Strange Tales and Doctor Strange v1 and v2. This story is a tribute to Doctor Strange. It’s amazing and easily made its way to my top 5. I will definitely recommend it to new readers as much as recommend v4 and other one-shots.

As for the chronology, there’s just a single reference to Secret Wars, which means this story comes after 2015. But it’s not supposed to take place in a specific point in time, assuming the Darkhold was not in the Sanctum according to Darkhold Alpha/Omega (it was absorbed by Wanda by the end of this plot).

But honestly, it doesn’t matter at all. It’s an amazing story, no previous reading required. Just go for it. Ralph Macchio managed to write one of the best Doctor Strange stories ever, he was able to portray why Stephen is so important to me and why I love him so much. THIS is the character I adore to a fault. Ibrahim Moustafa’s art is magnificent. And Neeraj Menon’s colors only make it even more amazing. I feel so grateful and full of joy for having such a brilliant team to bring this story. I need more of this team asap!

I think we deserve good DS books after all the trouble of enduring Waid and Young, after all.

PS: Ibrahim is just so sweet, go follow him on twitter!

Is there such thing as emotional grooming? Can someone with extremely bad mental health unintentionally "groom" a young teen into doing emotional labor for them?

(Context of the question below. CW for toxic friendship conduct and mentions of suicidal ideation, self-harm, and CSA)

I've been studying with a guy since I was 13/14, and he, 16. One day, he had a flashback, and I tried to help him through it, to be the support I never got. After that, though, he made me his personal therapist. All of our interactions would be about him, about how he wanted to kill himself, hurt himself, how he hated living, and was a burden to his family. He described to me the sexual abuse he went through, the porn addiction he had in childhood, his gruesome suicide plans and everything bad that had ever happened to him, all with no regard to if that would affect me. I feel it was my fault, though, because I encouraged him, happy that he trusted me enough to tell me his worst traumas. And I couldn't possibly leave! I'm the only one he could count on, the only thing keeping him alive. So it didn't matter where I was, how I was, and who I was with, every second of my time was an invitation for him to come foward dump his problems on me. It made me relive the worst moments of my life and resurfaced symptoms I spent years getting treated for.

At one point, I tried to tell him I needed a break, and he agreed. A few days later, he just started messaging me that he would try to kill himself if things didn't get better for him soon because he felt like things were only getting worse.

And now, almost two years later, he's finally... fine. Better. He started medication, talked to his family, fixed things. And now I have to see him laugh and go by his day happily and pretend that I don't carry the weight he put on me. Hell, he doesn't even know I'm still hurting, or that I ever hurt because of him at all! I was the only fool who gave himself away. He's thankful to me, but I just wish he would stop trying to be friends, like I wasn't just a tool for him to use just months ago. And I feel like I'm lying to myself in order to make it look worse than it was, projecting past abusers onto him, making him a bad person (which I don't think he is, I understand that depression can do that to a guy).

What is even worse is that now we're in a sexual relationship (I'm 15, he's 17). I wanted that for so long, but now, I can't even know he's in the same room as me without wanting to run away and hide. I don't even remember why I thought it was a good idea, but I regret it immensely. And now it feels like a responsibility, and I would feel like an asshole in just suddenly wanting to go back in what I started.

I'm sorry about the rant. I just don't know what to do. I know the answer seems obvious: "just don't have sex with him anymore", and yet, I feel like there's no way out of this, that there's nothing wrong with what he did and is doing, that yes, he hurt me, but I can't blame him because I never told him how I felt.

Thank you for getting through this, and please take your time to deal with this ask. Don't burn yourself out, alright? Ily.

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about what you've been through. It sounds like this person traumadumped on you and you were made to feel emotionally responsible for this person's wellbeing and safety, which is an unrealistic and unhealthy amount of pressure on you. Please know that anything this person does to himself is not your fault or responsibility, even if you decided to take some distance. This kind of experience can also lead to vicarious trauma, which is a result of being exposed to someone else's trauma.

It's understandable you feel pressure to continue the relationship. However, sexual relationships between minors is not really a good idea since minors cannot consent, and depending on where you live, a sexual relationship between minors may not be legal. Also considering the traumatizing dynamic that has happened between you in the past, it may not be a healthy basis for a relationship, sexual or not. But perhaps there could be a useful discussion about past behavior, boundaries, and needs. It's ultimately up to you how'd you like to continue this relationship.

If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist could help you process your experiences, navigate your relationship with this person, and develop some healthy coping mechanisms that you can take with you on your healing journey.

I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

i think i made a decision

this is probably gonna be long and boring to literally everyone, so if you only want to know if i'm gonna delete or not, i'm gonna save you some time: no, i won't

now, to the long post

first, i wanna talk about my mental health, which i have been very openly struggling with for some time now. the thing is, i was on a medication that was actually making my depression worse, and that medication was also causing me the allergies that were making me feel so bad about myself. i'm off of them now, have been for a week, maybe, and i already feel like i'm doing better. therapy is also helping. i really like my therapist, and the sessions don't feel suffocating, like someone only waiting for me to word vomit all of my issues. we actually have conversations, it's not a one sided thing, and she's been helping me make some progress with my home life, which is the biggest external problem i'm having at the moment

now, to måneskin. so, the other day i listened to a podcast (you're wrong about, the "yoko ono broke up the beatles" episode, if you're interested), and it made me reexamine my relationship to the band. truth is, they're changing, and i don't like it. i really don't like it. from the music itself, to acting like they're instagram influencers instead of an actual band with actual talent, i just don't like it. and honestly, that's fine. the thing i have to come to terms with, and i'm really trying to for my own sake more than anything else, is that those are not my decisions to make. and that's also fine. i have to be okay with it, because the alternative only hurts me. i think i've been spiralling since they stayed in LA for those few months because i was too emotionally invested in them. like, i was borderline emotionally dependent on them, and that's so fucking unhealthy and also so unfair to everyone involved. they didn't sign up to cater to me, and it's really unfair of me to, i don't know, expect them to, expect them to keep me afloat when i'm the one who should be responsible for myself and my mental health, not them. i fully realize that now, and i'm working on it. i'm not saying i'm never gonna criticize them or voice my opinions on new songs, but i do need to chill with the emotional side of it.

and finally, the blog. like i said at the very beginning, i'm not gonna delete. but i don't think i'm gonna be as active here as i used to be, at least for now. i decided to keep it mainly for archival purposes, so my gifs and the things i did write won't just disappear. i want to keep them, so i'm keeping the blog. i will keep my inbox closed for a little longer, because i want to avoid a repeat of what happened. i don't want asks to end up piling up even more because i don't know how to answer them, because i'm feeling too down to match the enthusiasm, or because i'm not in the headspace to write. i don't know if what i did to my dms and replies even worked, to be honest, because i don't know what tumblr counts as "people you follow" when you do it on a sideblog, but in case it did make a difference, i'm just letting you all know i'm reopening them.

and speaking of writing, i'm coming back around to it, since i'm all around feeling better. i even managed to write a little yesterday, which is actually huge for me. i'm trying, i really am. and i want to answer most, if not all, asks i already have with the attention they deserve. i'm really sorry for making anyone feel bad, feel uncertain, or anything similar. that was never my intention, but i know intent doesn't equal impact, and i apologize.

for now, that's it. i'll keep reblogging, keep posting, keep thirsting, try to write in the background, try to do better for myself regarding the band's new direction.

what you can learn from all this mess is: always ask your psychiatrist why they're prescribing you a certain medication and what it is for. i didn't, and i paid the price for it for months. be smarter than i was.

For the Let's Get ((REAL)) fic writer asks <33 🌻 💋 🎀

Thank you, Barbara! 💜💜💜 These were challenging to answer, but I appreciated having to reflect on some of those things! 😌 🥰

🌻what makes you want to give up on writing? what makes you keep going?

What makes me want to give up: knowing thinking I'm not that good a writer, and I don't add anything of value to the “archive,” so to speak – especially when I think others (my extremely talented friends) are just doing a much better job than I am tackling similar themes, in a more engaging way. Also, and perhaps relatedly, my insecurities (the language barrier! the feeling I haven't improved a bit!) and the lack of feedback/engagement I sometimes perceive I get. I am aware I write for a small, often unfairly maligned ship, but I'll still overanalyze when some people leave a nice comment but don't kudos, for example. (Depending on my mood, I'll either think it was a silly oversight, or they were humoring me.) tl;dr: I don't like the effect craving this validation has on my mental health, basically, esp when it's something I've successfully curved in other areas of my life.

What makes me keep going: to be honest, I've been struggling with this for the past year (see: 'why do this when I think others are just doing a much better job'). I've been writing quite frequently for the last six years (posting infrequently, only for two-ish), and it's something that makes me happy. I don't plan on stopping at this moment. Posting is something different altogether. I do crave validation, unfortunately, and compliments make me feel flattered and so very happy. But… I like thinking that someone out there will find a couple of my fics years down the line, just like I did with some authors myself, and they'll enjoy them, even if they are not that good!

💋when you leave comments on a fic, do you want to hear back from the writer?

I'd love to, if they want to reply, but I don't need to get a reply! Comments are a way for readers to let authors know how they felt, but once they are out there, they belong to the author more than to myself. I understand why some don't like to, or don't want to, respond, but I know that doesn't mean they don't appreciate them. Comments are so personal! 🥹 (I can't express myself properly today, so I hope that made some sense.)

I personally do it, if only because I want to thank them for taking time to read + comment. I also love rambling about things they touch on (and hope they don't mind my doing that). Sometimes it takes me weeks to get back to it, particularly if I'm in my feelings about writing and don't feel deserving of love for it. (People kept being sweet and reassuring but my insecurities still got/get the best of me. Fun times!)

🎀give yourself a compliment about your own writing

Ah, pasapalabra. Can't avoid it? Uhhhh. I basically can't judge my writing – I'm my biggest supporter and my harshest critic. But…

I sometimes go back to some stories (but never somewhere I've already posted it in) and find myself impressed about how decent they are, and/or feeling emotional about things that happen in those stories. As if I hadn't written them and knew its emotional beats. I guess… I can be good at emotion and making it feel earned? (I'm at a loss. Pls help.)

Thank you again, Barbara! This was fun 💜 (more answers and the questions here)

Okay sorry for the long asks I'm gonna send! I wanna give you my thoughts on the routes after playing and getting the good endings of all four of them (I haven't touched the bad ends yet because I'm not ready to destroy my soul 😔) and I figured it'd be easier to have one ask per route for simplicity. Also I will be as spoiler free as possible with my thoughts for the sake of anyone who hasn't played yet. These may not be the best written reviews though, my thoughts kinda go all over lol. So first off, Kay my beloved darling!

He was the one who caught my attention first and I gotta say while I adore everyone so far he's still my favorite! Man that Act 1 plot twist about who Kay really is? I'm still mind blown over it like I never ever EVER expected that to be the case! So when that was thrown at me I was basically like "?????? wtf??? WTF????" Honestly Kay's route was sooo heartbreaking in many respects, from Kay's struggles to Xani dealing with the consequences. And my gosh as someone who is the biggest baby alive when it comes to horror and anything related to it, the unsettling moments were *chef's kiss* I saw another anon bring this up and I wanna agree that Kay's VA? Outstanding, simply incredible. Every emotion, every line that came from Kay was believable and hit me in all the right ways. My fave moments being a certain breakdown in a shack and basically everything from the Branch 2 ending. And I really enjoyed how you wrote the mental health issues in this route, especially the issue regarding dependency. Kay himself was so enjoyable as a character as well, both pre and post that part of Act 1. I loved his teasing moments and kindness, I loved his more solemn moments, I loved the moments when he was struggling because of you know what. This route also had me asking a lot of questions which works that it's paired with Clive's route that contains some answers. For Kay my favorite end was the Branch 2 ending, I think it was the best way to wrap up everything that happened.

Hi anon!! This is ... one of the most sweet and most lovely asks I've ever gotten. Thank you so, so much for taking the time to write all of this. I'm sorry it took me so long to actually reply. I was away on vacation and while I saw these soon after they were sent, I didn't want to reply until I had access to a computer so that I could compile all the asks into one post.

I hope you know that this message literally lit up my entire day when I first saw it and it continues to do so as I reply to it now <3 Things like this help to encourage me to keep going even when things get tough. I'm glad you got so much enjoyment out of books one & two! If you haven't already, please consider leaving a review on the game as well. It isn't necessary of course, but it helps a LOT to have detailed comments like this... or even simple ones like "it was good"!

Wishing you a super lovely day!

Here's a compilation of this anon's other asks:

Next up, Clive you little weirdo (affectionate)!

Starting Clive's route was already breaking me because, as I said, Kay's my fave so there I was making sure not to bond with him too much so that I could get Clive's route. That coupled with The Plot Twist™ of Act 1 and basically I was already grieving with the start of this route. I say all this but truly I was already fond of Clive. He's just so incredibly, adorably, painfully earnest in all he does. It's hard not to love him even when he acting so obviously suspicious. And that sincerity in his interactions with Xani over the course of the route does help to lessen the sting of certain reveals. This route did answer some questions I had about Kay's route but it also raised so many more??? Like seriously as this route went on I was half ready to do a conspiracy board to try and piece things together. I enjoyed how this route dealt with identity and how you choose to see both yourself and others. And it was sooooo much fun interacting with Clive over the course of this route and seeing his funny and adorable reactions to Xani mixed in with how achingly sweet he was at times. And it all made the drama of the latter part of the route all the more better! Once again, shout out for the VA work because Clive's VA did a great job selling how awkward and sweet this guy truly is. Great first impression with the hiding behind the tree scene and the adorableness of the scene at the end of Branch 1. So while for Kay I preferred his Branch 2 ending (I did say that it was the Branch 2 ending I loved more for him right? The one with the party? bleh my memory is bad sometimes but yeah that's my fave of the two for Kay) in Clive's case my preferred ending for him in the Branch 1 ending. Mainly for the heart melting sweetness and partially because I couldn't bear having poor Xani deal with a certain consequence of Branch 2's ending.

Now we got my precious baby Shannon!

This book wasn't big in terms of spooks but it dealt with other kinds of fears that still chilled me to the bone. I adored how this route handled paranoia and how much do you truly understand/try to understand the people in your life. I was already attached to Shannon in the common route so finally getting to play her route was great (plus I'm a sucker for childhood friend romances)! Shannon's bubbly energy and A+ friendship was so adorable (everyone deserves to have an incredible friend like Shannon) and precious but my truly favorite scenes were the ones where she tried to open up more about what she was going through. I felt her frustration and loneliness whenever Xani wouldn't let her in (completely understandable why Xani would but I also totally felt why it hurt Shannon so much). Shannon's VA completely sold me on her adorable bubbly self and also completely sold me during the scenes where she let out emotions other than "I'm happy bubbly Shannon". A certain yelling scene after a certain other character's role in everything was revealed comes to mind most. Can I just say that gigantic WTF moment (the "memory" one for the sake of being as spoiler free as possible) nearly fried my brain? Like I was right there with Xani wondering what the hell was going on here and how that happened. Didn't get a conspiracy board but I did actually start taking a shit ton of notes in a spare notebook I have trying to piece together everything going on and all the questions I have! Also screw Dustin, all my homies hate Dustin >:( But it was fun to meet Charlie and Choi (will we see more of them later on? they were so fun it'd be a shame if we didn't). For Shannon it was actually a really close call between Branch 1 and Branch 2 for my favorite ending because each branch had something I loved so much in terms of romance, friendship and pure drama. But the Branch 2 ending just managed to win between the two because I liked that drama more and also that dance scene was too precious for words! Also the after credits scene of Branch 2 killed me with cuteness!

And last but note least, my actual mom Lana!

When I looked at the walkthrough for Lana's route and saw there seemed to be fewer choices than for the other routes I was worried that would mean her route would just be shorter. But nope, you put my fears to rest when I saw what you did with Act 3! I'm really glad you made that choice for Act 3, because it answered so many questions about the precious acts in her route but also gave a great insight into Lana's mindset! May be sounding like a broken record here but Lana's VA also did a wonderful job here, giving Lana such a caring and soothing voice. Like that finale scene between her and Xani was beautiful and made me melt into a puddle from how much love I could feel in Lana's words! I enjoyed this route's take on trust and the past, how much of it do we hold onto and how much do we need to let go of in order to move forward and heal. This route also revealed a couple somethings that I had been guessing early on and was so excited to have confirmed (namely the identity of a certain someone Lana knows and what said someone's name is). The dream sequences in this route were sooo cool and trippy and makes me want more and more because I need answers! I need all the answers!!! I adored seeing Xani and Lana interact with each other, seeing them reignite that closeness from their past while Xani also has to battle between sincere love for Lana and the mess of emotions coming from all the shit that happens over the route. Lana only has the one good end though I loved how you had variations in there via having the other three be potential love interests and also a certain other variation. It really was fun to try them all out (especially since I super curious how you were gonna pull of one particular variation considering said character's unique position at this point in the game)! Also can I say Lana was incredible in both how hard she tries and truly is a wonderful guardian for Xani and also in how she deals with the grief and despair of past tragedies and also the nonsense of general adult life. Personally I'm closer to Lana's age than the rest of the cast's ages so I ended up really connecting with many of her struggles since they mirror so many of my own.

Last one, I promise!!!

Anyways yeah those are my scrambled thoughts after playing the routes. I'm over here basically vibrating intensely because I cannot wait for Book 3 and the final book to be released. I'm getting closer and closer to upgrading my notebook to a full blown conspiracy board 😂 But seriously, I have so many questions and all the hints and teases you put throughout these routes has my brain going into overdrive trying to figure it all out. Because I noticed certain things and was glad the game was like "yeah isn't this off?" but there was other stuff pointed out to me that I didn't even realize (the dates…THE DATES). Also Xani is such a wonderful MC, my love and light. Both female Xani and male Xani have such adorable designs and their VAs did great when it came to bringing them to life in both sweet moments and in the harsher moments (also loved seeing the different reactions the other characters would have based on Xani's gender it was so cool you added those variations in dialogue). Anyways you have done such a good job on the writing on this game and please pass along my admiration and love to the artists who made the incredible images, the composers and singers and all the music folks who made some absolutely amazing tracks that were perfect for the scenes, and also to all the fantastic VAs who brought these characters to life! Love the game and am eagerly awaiting the next part!!!