that doctor post i just rbed is making me think abt how when i described my life-inhibiting anxiety and depression (the symptoms not the illnesses) to the doctor at my wellness check she started off by giving me breathing exercises and encouraging me to keep my physical health as good as i can i.e. sunlight and hydration and exercise. and like don’t get me wrong that IS good advice but i’ve literally been working on that for years lmao. thank god for my mom who explained that A.) i know all of this and B.) i’ve been to therapy before. thank you mom for making sure i’m not also diagnosed in my 30s :))

MHA MANGA/ANIME SPOILERS

TLDR: me rambling about a possible future scerios for Kurogiri and some hc to go along with them kinda

Also pls note that everything I know about the manga is from synopsis of it bc I personally struggle to read manga (all the panels blur together for me and I can never tell what order the text bubbles go in and it's just a struggle bro) so I apologise if all this isn't entirely accurate bc it's prolly not lol

Man ok so I mentioned before that I've been thinking about Kurogiri a lot right

So I personally don't think Shirakumo is coming back. Like he will always be a part of Kurogiri and I think he will start regaining some of Skirakumo's memories and emotions, but I don't think his overall personality or appearance will change all that much. What I'm hoping for is that the doctors working on him are able to loosen some of his programming a bit, but honestly, the whole point of it would be to just make him safe to release as a civilian. I mean obvi he's been a villain throughout the whole series, but it's not his fault. He was literally forced to do all of it. He was programmed to take care of Tomura by any means necessary, and that he did. So I don't think he really deserves to be punished.

Okay so here is a possible scenario that I want to happen:

Basically Aisawa and Hizashi keep visiting him and talking to him and shit and the doctors and psychiatrists do what they can, and eventually he just gets taken into UA (under very close supervision ofc). He's really not violent at all unless he's directly ordered to do something by OFA or ig Tomura (as far as I know). I feel like Nezu would end up not only allowing it, but I feel like he'd be one of the first people to suggest it. As UA's principal, he'd feel a sense of obligation toward Shirakumo since the academy failed to protect him all those years ago. Hizashi would be on board immediately, but Aisawa would be more hesitant because he'd be fearful for the students. Nemuri would be somewhere in between, but I think she'd eventually side with Hizashi.

So yeah he'd be at UA and it would be very strange and he'd have a lot of conflicting emotions. He'd probably be high key having an identity crisis at this point, wondering which thoughts and emotions were Oboro's, his own, or just programmed into him. This would be particularly troubling to him when it comes to Tomura. A part of him would probably dislike Tomura as a person. He's rude, reckless, bratty, and immature. On the other hand, as I mentioned earlier, he was literally programmed to take care of Tomura. But still, after being with the kid for so long, being there through the good, bad, and ugly, and watching him grow up, of course he's going to care deeply for him. He'll never stop loving that boy like a son. The UA staff probably knows that, and all they'll probably be able to do is distract him. I think that Eri would take a liking to him since he naturally just kinda has that concerned dad thing going on, and he'd end up babysitting her or something. He'd probably also like Bakugo because he's like an angrier but less homicidal version of Tomura. I think that interacting with the kids would probably be good for him. Taking care of spitfire children would probably make him feel a little less anxious since that was basically what he did with the LOV. And then, yet again, you have another series of conflicting emotions. He'd miss the LOV terribly and he'd be worried about them. At the same time, he would grow to care about the people within UA.

He'd feel drawn to Hizashi, Aisawa, and Nemuri for obvious reasons, and them to him. But I think he'd avoid them at first. What's left of Oboro would always try to take over when they were around, and Kurogiri would find that both physically and mentally agonizing. And every time one of them looked at him, he'd sense that they were speaking to Oboro, not him. That itself would probably hurt, especially since he knows that he can never be Oboro again. There isn't enough left of him. There's a part of his own psyche that blends into Oboro's, who of course has his own emotions about the situation. There's not much of him there, but it's enough for him to feel. Eventually, though, I like to think there would be a point where Oboro's besties would start seeing Kurogiri as just himself, and he'd tentatively respond in kind.

Okay imma mention a major character death now

After Nemuri's death, he'd probably feel so, so horrible and upset and he'd take it so poorly. He's usually a pretty calm person, so people would be kinda confused since he wasn't nearly as close to her as Aisawa and Mic were, but eventually everyone would kinda generally realize that this dude was experiencing the grief of two people at once: that of a close childhood friend, and that of someone who Nemuri had helped feel like a person.

Okay now time for a nicer headcanon

So when that asshat programmed him, he prolly did something interesting to his sleep schedule. To do his job effectively, Kurogiri might have to stay awake for days at a time during bad situations. For him to be able to do that, he is going to have to be able to compensate for that later. So my hc is that during periods of "inactivity", like when he feels generally safe and doesn't see anything to attend to, he just passes tf out sometimes. So during periods where he's feeling anxious, he probably just. Doesn't sleep, bc in his mind he's like "omg threat detected". But if you hug him for too long, he'll fall asleep on your shoulder. But like most of the time it's a p light sleep so he can be ready to take on anything that may try to sneak up on him or whatever, so sometimes it's hard to notice when this happens bc you can't really read his face and also he wakes up so easily. But occasionally, his body will simply say no 💜 and my mans will be OUT for like half the day or longer depending on how long he's gone without a proper rest. He can usually tell the difference between his lil micronaps and a Konk-Out as Present Mic starts calling it, and he will try SO HARD to fight it but he does not win ever.

This literally took me like an hour to type holy shit lol but anyways yeah

To The Bone (2017) - Analysis and Charting

Let’s go! I’m NOT excited because life is hard but what better way to distract myself than to do this kind of shit. No one cares, anyways.

Since this is the first one, let me tell you what we’re gonna do here. I’ll include the IMDB summary, a summary with spoilers, the placements in the chart, we’ll go over each item (also, spoilers abound) and finally my review and final thoughts. Yes, it’s gonna be long. Read at your own risk.

IMDB summary:  A young woman, dealing with anorexia, meets an unconventional doctor who challenges her to face her condition and embrace life.

Summary with spoilers: Lily Collins plays Ellen/Eli and from the start of the movie she is on the brink of her disease. She was just kicked out of a recovery center and she gets an appointment with a ~cool unconventional doctor~ played by Keanu Reeves. She goes into ANOTHER inpatient treatment home to be treated by him. Shit happens, she seems to be getting better somehow, but then she spirals down, runs away, and after a... near death experience (I wish this was an euphemism) she decides to try recovery again and goes back to the treatment home. That’s where the movie ends.

Chart placements!

Now for each item:

White: Ellen or Eli is played by Lily Collins, who once played Sandra Bullock’s daughter in that movie were she was a Karen. It doesn’t get whiter than that.

Female: She changes her name to Eli mid film (which is how I’ll be calling her here bc we respect chosen names in this household) but she still seems to identify as female and be referred to as such, so here we have it. We do have a guy in the treatment home, but we’ll come back to him later.

Teenager/Young adult: I’m pretty sure she is 19 but every review I see says she’s 20. Either way, she dropped out of college even though she just started it. The actress, however, was 28 at the time the movie was released.

Wealthy/seemingly well-off: Her family has the money to send her to inpatient a bunch of times, and they make a point to mention how they have connections so she didn’t have to wait in line to see this new doctor. Case closed.

Skinny actress from the start: As we know, Lily Collins is already thin and she did struggle with anorexia in the past. Why, however, did she lose weight for this movie? They said it was her decision “to make the character more authentic”. As if not being skin and bones wouldn’t be enough. As if eating disorders don’t come in every size. They shouldn’t let her. The need to shock people is a very dangerous sign to me.

No distinctive personality or hobbies/interests: I’m glad Eli has a thing she loves. It’s not super present, but it’s there, and it’s plot relevant. She loves art and in the story, she had a tumblr (look, it’s us!) where she shared drawings related to her ED and a girl liked her drawings so much that, when she killed herself, she mentioned Eli by name in a note. But that isn’t really explored too much and I kind of got disappointed by that.

Good student: We don’t really know about that... and I don’t think it matter, it’s ok.

Seemingly irrelevant love interest: Why? Just why do we need Luke? Luke is the only guy in the home, and we can SEE that he’s only there to be Eli’s love interest. He wasn’t needed. None of the important plot points have anything to do with him. Make her date a girl. Make her date NO ONE. This is about eating disorders. She could have closer friends in the house. Why was this necessary. Her whole speech about how love is a lie could come from a friendship but no. They had to shove pretty white boy there.

Daddy issues (sometimes coupled with mommy issues): I find this extremely funny but her dad isn’t in the movie. At all. He’s alive and well, but he makes a point to never come home when Eli is even awake. I don’t think they cast an actor for that. As for mothers, she has three, and it’s a trip. Her stepmom on her dad’s side is very out of touch but she wants what’s best for Eli, but she really hates Eli’s biological mom. Bio mom, in turn, is described as a “bipolar lesbian” and the stereotypes are just... ugh. Bio mom has a wife and she is a bit weird too. They sent Eli to live with her absent dad bc “they couldn’t deal with it anymore”. This brings us to a great scene where we can see Eli shrinking in her seat and when the psychiatrist asks her what she is feeling she says “I’m sorry I’m not a person anymore. I’m a problem.” And that’s great to see. But at the same time, I hate that her whole issue in this movie seems to come from her family and anorexia is just a thing that happened, with some vague references to control. 

*Triggering event*: We never see it and it’s okay - but I kind of wanted some more explorations of motives because we have ZERO.

Anorexia as diagnosis: As I always say, what is even the point of making a cool looking movie about EDs if your protagonist is not only anorexic, but also terminally anorexic? Ugh. That’s the only portrayal of anorexia that happens in media and I’m fucking tired.

Checklist of habits (manual for those looking for one): I mean, I mark this down but as I always say: everything is a manual if you’re looking for one. But if you’re doing more than not eating or purging or exercising I’ll judge it as a new tip. A lot of us already thought of/did most of them probably. But the marking remains.

Inpatient treatment (or extended hospital stay): As I said, she is kicked out of one treatment center and goes straight into another. What fucks me up is that the movie HAS other characters with other diagnosis, but we never see anything about them. We don’t see their journey. We only know Luke is a dancer bc he is the love interest. We only know Megan is pregnant and then she’s not bc this sends Eli in a spiral. We only know Kendra is not straight bc she makes a joke about it (and Doctor Beckham follows with a horrible joke about conversion therapy). Did you notice Ciara Bravo was in this movie? I didn’t on first viewing. She has like two lines. The whole movie is centered around Eli and every scene in the house feels like all the other patients only care about her too.

Emotional tipping point: Megan loses her baby and for some reason this affects Eli. Luke kisses Eli and for some reason she’s pissed. At that point, I was annoyed. She has a bad session with Doctor Beckham who basically tells her to grow a pair and stop complaining (which is insensitive as a doctor, but as a person I wanted to do the same) and she decides to quit and leave. She has to go to her mother’s home and I’m supposed to care. Stepmom is mad but doctor says she needs to hit rock bottom. She weights like 70 pounds dude. Rock bottom was about ten pounds ago, next stop is a coffin, mate.

Mom hugs: And here we have the emotional turn around of the movie and it’s just... make it make sense. She goes to her bio mom’s ranch. Her stepmom # 2 tells they’ll have therapy with horses (?). Eli goes sleep in a tent and bio mom cries and says she accepts if Eli wants to die. Very supportive I guess. They have this weird bonding moment where the mom feeds her a bottle like a baby and look, if you liked that, good for you, but I don’t get what I was supposed to feel about it (but that’s mom hug #1). She goes on a hike next morning and... dies? Either way she has an out of body experience where she talks to Luke and sees how she looks - which is weird to me. Didn’t we go over this in the beggining of the movie? Didn’t we establish that she does know what she looks like and doesn’t care? But still she seems shocked and they have a cryptical conversation and she wakes up. And just like that, she’s ok now. She meets up with the other stepmom (mom hug # 2) and goes back to the home.

Happy ending: In the last scene Eli is back to the home and we understand she’s going to try to recover for real this time. I’m okay with that specifically, I think it would be bad if they pretended she just got better with no relapses and everything is fine, but it’s a hopeful ending. Despite the fact that we have no idea if she won’t have a fit and leave in two days and that we never know anything about anyone else and Megan, who lost the baby, never comes back. It’s fine. At that point, I didn’t expect much.

Analysis: I was hesitant to be critical bc this movie was based on the real life experiences of the director and Lily Collins. But fuck it, this is my circus and I’ll clown as much as I want. While I do understand that, I have a lot of thoughts.

Mainly, I need to say that while I understand this is her story, this is a story that was told so many times. I’m tired.

The general public that wants to defend the movie says “well you can’t tell ALL stories”, and while I agree, these people probably only saw this movie about the subject. If you HAVE (or had) and eating disorder, you probably saw tons. And they ALL tell the same story. Which is why I started that chart in the first place.

This movie does have good moments. I do like the acting, I saw people complaining about Keanu Reeves performance - but I do know these were people who disliked the movie entirely. I think his performance was great, Lily Collins performance was great, and their chemistry was great. The best scenes in the movie happened between the two of them. The one thing that I LOVED was their first interaction when he calls her on her bullshit. “You’re not thin, you scare people, and I think you like that.” YES. I never heard anyone talk about that. And I guess I’ll never will, bc the movie itself never talk about this again either. Also when she justifies the tumblr where her art triggered a girl so much, she says that she was just drawing what she knows, he calmly tells her that she can draw, but she doesn’t have to share it online tho. I liked their interactions because often ED patients are treated with silk gloves (is that the expression?) and sometimes there is a need for some though love. I also love Liana Liberato who plays her sister and that’s about it.

The problem with the doctor ends up being: what’s his method? How are you going to cure her? The method makes no sense. I don’t see the reasoning. I don’t think anyone does. And somehow it works and she goes back there. 

I think my major problem with the movie is that it has the same issues every ED portrayal before it. It’s the same story again. I think it shines the most in the whole “it’s not about food, it’s about control!”. It IS about food though. For a lot of people, it is. Maybe not for this director or for Lily Collins, but for so many people it is about food. It’s about control as well, and it is possible that there is other factors related to it, but you can’t chalk it all up to a control issue and pretend it’s just whatever. If the food didn’t matter, it wouldn’t be an eating disorder.

Because of that, we have this heavy focus on her family issues and nothing to do with food. We have people trying to rationalize - maybe it’s bc your mom is a lesbian, maybe it’s bc i didn’t bond with you as a baby - and all that does is to make her lesbian bipolar mother seem like a crazy asshole and her dad seem like an absent asshole as if this is the only factor here. Give me SOMETHING. Any connection to food. Any sense. Nope. She just won’t eat bc her family is fucked up. Hoe, that’s all of us.

And I think the movie unintentionally DOES glamourize anorexia. Subtly, yes, but it does. Eli has SUCH an easy time refusing food. She doesn’t seem to think about food as much as she thinks about herself and her family and Luke and being annoying. She knows a bunch of calories and she overexercises. Idk.  Not to mention that moment when Kendra asks her about purging and she says “it’s not her thing”. I mean. It is no one’s thing. No one likes it. It’s a compulsion. And if you have anorexia that severe and you are not with a feeding tube, you do eat every now and then, and you do have purging mechanisms. If she had said she prefers overexercising as a purging mechanism than to throw up, I would believe her. But the movie acts as if she just never eats ever and somehow she’s still standing. Give her a feeding tube then. It would be more believable.

I know it sounds kind of ranty, but my point here is: this extremely anorexic girl, that looks like a sack of bones, and gets that by never eating and doing crunches all the time, it is the wet dream of a fatphobic society with a 71 billion weight loss industry. This is the dreamy and frugal idea of anorexia that people have when they are deep into the illness - not when they recovered as the people involved say they did. I get that this is a very personal project. But it’s flawed. It doesn’t do anyone any favors. It just tells the same story, for the millionth time, but since this time it was in a big platform, more people saw it, and it was better done, with a better budget and with a good enough resolution so I can see every bone in Lily Collins body.

Anyway, that’s it for today. If you read all of that, thanks. Since this is Netflix, I’m assuming everyone saw, but the other movies are out there and if you need liks, hit me up. Be back soon.

me  :  comes  up  w  a  witty  intro  tagline

u  :  is  intrigued

u  :  wants  to  plot  w  me  and  my   ~ 𝖟 ó 𝖓  ~

me  :  😏😏😏

               *        chicago’s very own     ( zion kang )      has been spotted on madison avenue driving a     ( triumph bonneville t120 motorcycle )     , welcome ! your resemblance to     ( charles melton )      is unreal . according to tmz , you just had your      ( twenty-fifth ) birthday bash  . your chance of surviving new york is uncertain because you’re      ( tempestuous )    , but being     ( formidable )      might help you . i think being a     ( leo ) explains that .  3 things that would paint  a  better picture of you would be        ( the insomniac’s giveaway of dark bags beneath tired eyes ,  violently bared teeth to keep the world at a distance , all black everything . )     ( i grew up a victim and eventual perpetrator of gang violence and it was only through my sobriety and a plea arrangement that i’m staying out of prison . )       &       ( cismale  + he / him  ) +  ( toby , 18+ , she / they , pst )

                *   𝖇𝖆𝖈𝖐𝖌𝖗𝖔𝖚𝖓𝖉  

001 :  this  is  zion  !  his  mom  had  him  at  an  undetermined  young  age  and  his  dad  was  some  good  for  nothing  gang  banger  so  he  was  already  not  dealt  the  best  of  cards  :/

002 : his  maternal  grandparents  took  him  in  to  give  him  some  shot  at  having  a  normal  life  !  his  grandpa  was  ex  military  and  his  grandma  was  a  religious  fanatic  so  this  was  maybe  the  opposite  of  what  he  would  have  ended  up  w  ,  is  it  possible  to  have  TOO  structured  of  an  upbringing  ?

003 :  his  mom  would  stop  by  to  see  him  every  few  months  ,  bringing  little  treats  and  murmuring  questions  like  ‘  where  does  grandma  keep  the  jewlery  ,  z  ?  ’  in  her  sickly  sweet  voice

004 :  zion  ,  young  and  starved  for  the  affection  his  grandparents  witheld  from  him  ,  was  v  easily  manipulated  by  his  mom  :/  poor  bby

005 :   he  ended  up  having  a  LOT  of  behavioral  issues  w  his  childhood  being  kinda  shitty  n  acted  out  a  lot  in  school  !  it  got  to  a  point  where  the  school  psychiatrist  was  like  dear  god  lemme  look  @  this  kid  fr  and  diagnosed  zion  w  bipolar  disorder  and  oppositional  defiance  disorder  aka  he  was  NOT  fond  of  bein  told  what  to  do  !

006 :   he  was  p  much  NOT  abt  to  graduate  high  school  after  getting  involved  in  a  bunch  of  bad  shit  ,  drugs  ,  alcohol  ,  vandalizing  shit  ,  fights  ,  gang  activity  ,  the  whole  nine  yards  when  his  grandpa  passes  away  of  a  heart  attack  v  suddenly  .  his  gma  ,  heartbroken  and  hurt  ,  snaps  at  zion  and  tells  him  its  bc  of  all  the  shit  he  put  their  family  thru  and  that  hits  z  ,  hard

007 :  he  finds  rap  music  as  his  comfort  ,  since  his  gma  all  but  ignores  him  in  the  house  now  ,  and  starts  turning  to  art  and  music  as  his  new  outlet  for  his  energy  .  finally  APPAEARS  to  get  his  shit  together  when  he  joins  a  group  and  shoots  to  stardom  w  his  rap  group  (  vc  BROCKHAMPTON  )

 008 :  his  music  gets  him  out  of  the  slums  and  barely  through  graduation  but  he’s  still  got  a  lot  of  pent  up  anger  and  hostility  !  moves  out  of  his  grandparents  house  but  gets  sucked  into  some  gang  nonsense  from  his  past  and  nearly  ends  up  in  prison  if  it  werent  for  a  plea  deal  and  a  V  discreet  lawyer  that  kept  his  business  out  of  the  tabloids  !  

009 :  he  wants  to  keep  it  that  way  so  he  doesn’t  risk  his  past  comin  back  to  bite  him  in  the  ass  now  that  he’s  in  a  decent  place  in  his  life  ,  living  w  money  finally  and  being  in  control  of  what  he  wants  and  how  he  wants  it  !

010 :  now  is  rlly  famous  from  his  rapping  (  i’m  debating  between  a  matt  champion  or  a  joba  vc  so  cast  ur  votes  to  help  a  girl  out  pls  😤  )  and  also  has  dabbled  successfully  in  music  production  ,  which  is  his  main  focus  at  the  moment  !

               *    𝖆𝖇𝖔𝖚𝖙

001 :   personality  wise  ,  y’all  know  how  this  eboy  movement  is  kinda  taking  over  ?  

002 :  imagine  an  e-boy  that  ur  actually  AFRAID  of  n  that’s  zion  !

003 :  FORREAL  THO  the  mans  is  like  6’1  of  pure  untamed  aggression  ,  he  has  absolutely  0  filter  and  will  not  hesitate  to  make  an  enemy  of  someone  just  bc  they  looked  at  him  wrong  .  he’s  naturally  hostile  and  has  a  resting  bitch  face  but  that’s  just  to  warn  u  of  the  broody  angry  boy  that  the  face  belongs  to  !

004 :  he  gives  ZERO  shits  abt  how  he’s  perceived  bc  he  knows  he’s  talented  and  has  worked  for  the  fame  he  has  and  cherishes  now  .  he  doesn’t  take  critiques  well  n  has  a  naturally  aggressive  /  sarcastic  disposition  that  makes  him  ,  quite  frankly  ,  an  asshole  !  

005 :   unpredictable  temper  ,  seriously  effin  volatile  n  ready  to  SWING  when  needed  ,  honestly  probably  only  has  a  circle  of  like  2  ppl  bc  most  ppl  don’t  tolerate  his  broody  aggressive  antics  long  enough  to  get  to  his  slightly  softer  side  

006 :    if  u  can  brave  the  aggression  and  the  temper  ,  u  see  a  deeply  creative  and  considerate  individual  who  would  give  the  clothes  off  his  back  for  the  ppl  he  cares  abt  .  nobody  would  believe  he  has  something  even  RESEMBLING  a  soft  side  bc  he’s  so  gd  ANGRY  most  of  the  time  but  any  of  his  exes  or  best  friends  can  attest  to  the  big  bad  wolf  having  a  gentle  caring  side  !

007 :  he’s  intense  n  deeply  passionate  and  as  long  as  u  stay  in  ur  lane  he’ll  stay  in  his  ,  he’s  p  professional  and  has  a  v  composed  aesthetic  bc  he’s  v  particular  about  himself  n  his   #Brand

00?  :    quick  hc’s  :  he’s  left  handed  ,  if  he  wasnt  a  musician  he’d  be  a  tattoo  artist  ,  u  will  NEVER  catch  him  wearing  any  shade  of  not-black  in  his  official  public  appearances  ,  has  a  lowkey  stupid  sense  of  humor  despite  being  so  gd  SERIOUS  all  the  time  ,  n  he’s  living  straight  edge  besides  the  constant  cigarettes  he’s  puffin  on  even  tho  he  still  raps  abt  drugs  n  shit  !

alert: noeul choi has accepted your request. she is currently twenty-one years old, cisfemale and a retail assistant but aspires to be a cardiothoracic surgeon. they are described to be steadfast & reticent. rumor has it that [ redacted ]. could it be true? we’ll find out. — ( jeon somin, k, she/her, at )

in the box: a brand new, 256gb macbook air to replace the laptop that she’s had for years. she felt the need to hold off on a necessary upgrade to be able to support herself and her family

( .. her cuteness kills me )

hey everyone, i’m k and i’m excited to be a part of this rp !! so it’s wednesday and yet i’m still as emo as ever about bts at the bbmas bc mY BOYS !!!! anyways this is my eternally fucked, lowkey honey girl noeul who’s been through some shit. here’s some basic — & extensive, sorry lmao — info about her ( TW: death, self-destructive behaviour, adjustment disorder/situational depression ) :

born noeul emilia choi/choi noeul on march 12, 1996

pronounced “no-ewl” but she goes by “noel” for the most part since it’s easier for most lol

etobicoke, canada born and raised to first-gen korean-canadian parents

the epitome of a bitter smol™ that’s prepared to fight over everything ( stubborn brat )

has twin five year old siblings that she fucking adores, which is a big deal since she doesn’t care intensely for many people

her parents were both only kids that ventured into science-based careers; her mom was a pharmacist at her late grandparents’ small clinic and her dad was a cardiothoracic surgeon at toronto gen hospital, so they were upper-middle class you could say

s u c k e d at making friends in her formative years and when she did, they didn’t stay for v long

plenty of chances for her to find new friends though since the gta is huge and has a ton of other kids around so it wasn’t all in vain

also her vanity when she was a kid was prob a turn off for others lol

smart af, like english? a’s. math? a’s french? a+

eventually didn’t suck at the whole friend thing and had a small group of people she grew rather fond of

she ended up graduating as valedictorian and was accepted to mcgill to study pre-med and become a cardiothoracic surgeon just like papa choi

always wanted to follow in his footsteps, so it came as no surprise to her parents

( TW: DEATH ) during her midterm break in her first sem, her parents decided to take the family to their cabin near muskoka for a weekend away from the city/suburbs

they were a little over halfway there when her dad tried to veer the suv away from a moose in the middle of their lane, but wasn’t successful

noeul was conscious during the whole thing, though she sustained a concussion and the twins were unharmed in their carseats; however their mother died on impact and their father suffered from a cranial injury

she went with the twins to the hospital and was inconsolable over the loss of her mother alone, while her father was in critical condition and the outlook was promising, though not certain

he was put in a medically induced coma after being operated on and she and her godparents ( who advised her on the whole thing since they were docs themselves, i have a huge backstory for even her parents haha ) decided to hold out hope for a recovery

the twins were put in her care and she was left to deal with the burden of their loss, her education and the obvious, her brother and sister’s newfound dependency on her

she withdrew from the few people she became close to over the years, her grades began to slip as well, and she was always weighed down by grief and anxiety

she tried to stay in school while taking care of the twins, but it was becoming more and more difficult to do so. she just managed to keep her head above water throughout the rest of the first sem though

moved out of res, into an apartment and relocated the twins for the time being to see if she could pull it off

( TW: SELF-DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOUR ) add the fact that a part of her began to question if she could really follow in her dad’s footsteps, and that she let further anxiety from the pressures of making her parents proud get to her and she was soon on a downward spiral

she slipped away from her academics and was slowly becoming a poor guardian; soon, noeul was partying too hard and winding up in the hospital or a stranger’s dorm, skipping labs, and was generally a lost cause when the twins were under the care of a sitter

failed a couple of courses by the end of the second semester and was under investigation by cps for her lack of responsibility over the kids

felt hopeless and lost, but especially so when she posed the risk of losing the only family that she had left, realizing how selfish her actions were and trying to amend her mistakes

dropped out of mcgill for the time being to prove herself to the twins’ social worker and took up a job as a retail clerk to provide for the three of them ( despite inheriting their mom’s estate and all, as she put the money that came from it into the kids’ savings )

was soon in the clear and has tried to do right by her parents and siblings since then

after losing herself for a while, she found that she was right back to where she started with friend-making, but rather than it being her just not knowing how, it was that she didn’t want to let people in after everything that had happened

she didn’t remain a loner, but she didn’t have a ride or die by any means

noeul eventually returned to mcgill in what would have been her third year and has since maintained a high gpa after retaking the courses she fucked up in

her dad has since woken up, but he’s going through extensive forms of therapy to restore his motor, neurological, etc functions

for that reason, she figured that she should transfer guardianship to her godparents for the time being, as she wanted to see her family ( or what remained of it ) reconnect more than anything and that would be impossible while her dad’s in toronto and she and the twins are in montreal

relocated to la on impulse ( .. dumbass ) bc she felt like mcgill held too many bad memories ( that and warmer weather ?? fuck yes ) so she transferred to ucla

still has nightmares from the accident, the girl’s scarred for life and is thankful that the twins were too young to remember

sees a psychiatrist at the behest of the social worker bc she rly can’t cope by herself in all of this

now to her personality and extra facts ig ??? this has gotten so out of hand already, sTOP ME

the most stubborn chick alive, will never admit she’s wrong unless you weasel it out of her with some heavy guilt-tripping

she used to be a fucking NIGHTMARE to most people before everything went awry, still can be but it’s more or less her being herself and not putting on an act

a true instagram addict, which makes sense bc she can be p vain at times

rather intuitive tbh

can be insightful as well

feigns annoyance and boredom with people/their antics

some weird ass detachment method on her part that she didn’t shake, but question her on it and she’ll shut it tf down

but is still genuinely, easily irritated all the same ?? not even i understand this chick

curses like a sailor is she isn’t too curt in her responses

has a problem with trusting others, feels like she can only truly rely on herself so if you break through that barrier then congrats ig

she won’t make it obvious though, she’s a sociable being and will actually take to you if you pique her interest with free booze or a wild story

just don’t expect her to surrender much of her life story, but she’ll also get a bit offended if you don’t offer a bit of your own ?? 

the most annoying internalizer of emotions ever if you’re actually friends with her, 110% will not confide in you if you’re not one of four or five people in her life

also fears loss more than anything, so she isn’t close to many people for BOTH the trusting aspect, as well as wanting to spare herself the pain of watching more loved ones die or leave

but if you’re one of the v select few people she’s let in completely, she’ll never let you go. she’s the definition of loyal and will legit die for you

so so devoted to her little brother and sister and still takes on the role of guardian despite them not being together for the time being

you’ll never see her be more affectionate and joyful than with her family, godparents included

her being good with other kids though ?? she’s still working on that

will be super polite to even her enemy’s parents mostly bc fuck that person.. unless their parents aren’t pleasant people either, then she’ll be unpleasant right back lmao

defensive pessimism at its finest

fluent in french and korean

memes are lowkey the way to her heart

well, memes and food ofc

such a poutine hoe™

sci fi junkie

here for aesthetically pleasing everything

her place is almost never in disorder, oddly enough

quite the party girl, though not the same as when she was a frosh, is able to control herself when there aren’t too many stressors plaguing her

queer af, doesn’t know what her sexuality is but she knows she isn’t straight ( but for all intents and purposes, she’s pansexual )

she just needs someone else to take care of her honestly, she still doesn’t know what she’s doing with herself lmao

basically you won’t rly know who she is from one day to the next, the personification of a wild ride

so that’s noeul, if you’d like to plot don’t hesitate to message me, or like this and i’ll come to you !! i’ll link some connections in a bit

January 22 2017

Today wasn’t a good day but thankfully I got my eyebrows done, went to do the newspapers even tho I did them a day late and cleaned my room somewhat...I ACCOMPLISHED SOMETHING TODAY. i didnt shower bc body image is shit & I have class tm I dont know if ill be able to make myself go into the shower tomorrow morning. I want to ripe my skin off and be perfect and skinny. Maybe if i lose weight ill be more confident and happier with myself. I am not the best daughter and I am a failure. I dont amount to anything. I am just a waste of money and ungrateful. I made my mom spend so much money on treatment at the renfrew center and I didnt even try at all. My team ended up giving up on me since I have done PHP for 2 months and I was supposed to be sent to residential but my therapist thought it wouldnt be the best and would make me worse since Ive never been away from home and I wasnt putting in effort. They should’ve just recommended residential at the beginning I think that would have proved to me that I was sick enough but I guess I wasnt sick enough for res. I mean I wasnt underweight or had any complications. Man i am an ass for not putting in effort... my mom did everything on her part.I feel as if this will stay with me forever! THIS EATING DISORDER STILL HAUNTS ME EVERYDAY but I dont show it and whenever I try to “diet” my mom just ignores me and doesnt care because she knows eventually Ill go back to eating. If only she understood its an issue but Im glad she doesnt see it. At the same time I want her to see it. This issue i have is restricting which then leads to a fucking binge!! and that leads to GUILT AND DISGUST. I feel as if I need to get on medication for my depression and anxiety. I dont want to go to the doctor tho but I know I should. I feel as if she wont perscribe it to me and she will just send me to a psychiatrist and that would mean I would have to go to therapy while on the meds and I dont want that. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I went to Victoria Secret because I really need to get new bras since the ones I have are like 1 year old and I haven’t been bra shopping in forever. I went into the fitting room even tho I was extremely hesitant bc my body image has been shit since my best friend and I have been eating a whole ton of junk food. I wasted sooo much fucking money on food and now I am regretting it sm because I literally just wasted money to get fat which makes me feel like shit. I FUCKING HATED MY BODY AND LOOKING AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR! I wanted to cry sm but I held it in. I need to change this body of mine. My mom saw my body too because she helped me see what size fitted me best I was sooo embarrassed. I am annoying to my family and I know I am annoying I dont know how they deal with me sometimes in my mind i tell myself SHUT THE FUCK UP NO ONE CARES. i know sometimes my sister doesnt care what i have to say bc she ignores me. One night I was asking my sister a question and she ignored me because she was on my phone and obviously what I had to say wasnt important to her and my step dad tells me mom “y no le tira pelota” which is a saying in spanish that says and she doesnt even listen to her. I felt sooooo stupid when he said this. Tonight my mom took my phone away.....bc I was sending snapchat videos to my friends telling them how I was going to be a failure and how much I hate myself. I was poking fun at myself and saying all this shit while laughing because thats how I cope with my emotions whenever i want to cry I always laugh it all off. Tomorrow is my first day of class for the spring semester and I am literally crying as I am writing this. Not because my mom took my phone away Im just crying and i dont know why. I WILL NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING AND NO GUY WILL EVER LOVE ME especially bc my personality and my body is hidieous. I hate myself a ton. I have a head ache and crying is making it worse. I think if I keep on crying my headache will get worse. I think crying will help me go to sleep tho. Crying myself to sleep will be it for tonight. Worst thing is i dont know why I am crying. My life isnt horrible and people have it worse than I do.