#my casual social skills are lacking but that's nbd | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

shamelesslymkp · 4 years

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so!

went to the club last night and it went really well! I didn’t get super anxious/panicky about going, not even once I found a parking space and had to wait another 20 minutes for club opening. I mostly just felt good and ready to mingle!

it wasn’t that easy, of course - I recognized a few people there but let me emphasize the few part; they weren’t people I’d known well either, although to be honest, the only people I knew well in the scene (and that was still kind of a matter of debate) were PSK and this one rope top and his sub, and I fell out of touch with the latter two.

the longer-standing club and camp staff still recognize me and seem happy to see me! I talked to the manager on duty for the night for a while and that was fun, we talked about crafting for other people etc.

but anyways. didn’t really know people, am not good at striking up and maintaining conversations with people I don’t know or know only vaguely, felt kind of out of place and embarrassed about it, because I did talk to some people briefly, giving compliments about outfits, asking for assistance with something I couldn’t quite manage myself, saying hi to people I recognized by name (not sure they all recognized ME, the pink hair probably threw the ones who knew me the least), making quips off of someone else’s comment, etc, and people seemed to respond well, appreciating the compliments, happy to help, entertained by my comments, but I know very well I’m not good at reading social stuff and I know damn well I come off as odd (sweet, harmless, possibly helpless, but odd) so I just kept feeling out of place and like I was intruding and being politely/kindly tolerated.

however! I do remember that was like, the entire first year I was in the scene. and it improved over time! (what’s that one post about how packbonding is about regular ongoing interaction with other people, even tiny casual interactions? I def believe if.)

so! the solution is to keep going and just power through the awkward (but not necessarily through the panic if that happens), and over time it should fade again - I’ll have people who I recognize and who recognize me, people whose conversations and company I enjoy, etc.

(a few more details under the cut, which may be unnecessary but I didn’t want to filter this entire post out of mutuals’ dashboards as it’s kind of a life update more than anything else, and it feels like a semi-important one at that, but also don’t want to share anything that might make them uncomfortable without an option for them to avoid it)

tied myself up (and also down, hashtag everybody loves a good bondage table) and that felt good and made me feel less awkward, because then there was an Obvious Reason I wasn’t conversing with people other than my lack of social skills.

it wasn’t the best self-scene I’ve ever had; I’m out of practice and I had a lot of problems with tangling up my ropes and accidentally knocking shit off of the table that I’d wanted to have up there with me, only then I was partially or fully tied down and really couldn’t retrieve them so then I was awkwardly getting the attention of various bystanders and asking them for the favor of handing me the thing(s) - or, at one point, to wrap my rope around something I couldn’t reach from where I was.

Nobody seemed to mind and seemed happy to help, but I was embarrassed I had to keep asking - like, once? nbd! that’s even probably a packbonding plus!

but multiple times?

that starts to look like either I’m an idiot or I’m trying to get attention, so. yeah. that was less than ideal. I did manage to find different people to ask at least so hopefully it wasn’t too annoying to any one person?

I couldn’t fully relax into it for very long - too much social anxiety and (even more so) anxiety/need for whatever the thing was I’d dropped until I finally would decide it was worth asking for help, but it did feel good, calming!

(my right arm tho... I am getting old and my right arm feels weird or hurts a lot of the time anyway so of course it was bothersome when I was tied down flat on my back, ugh.)

I’m definitely special interesting on Witcher; I found myself (as always) seeing bright bursts of color across my vision and inside my eyelids, but for whatever bizarre reason I was then also seeing - or interpreting? - the same kinds of red ripples that you see in the air when using your Witcher sense and approaching enemies, which was a) weird and b) kept pulling me back up by making me want to play Witcher, lolcry.

all in all, it went well! I’m glad I went, even if it wasn’t everything I could have hoped for (didn’t get hit by anything, for starters), and have a rekindled desire for the scene and a fiery determination to Keep Going Regularly and take back my old social life even if it takes months of awkward.

#ain't no other mkp #mkp in brickspace #and that's what you missed on mkp

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