Source

Voljela bih da vidi sebe iz moje perspektive

Da vidi onaj svoj sjaj u očima

Da vidi njegovo besprijekorno tijelo

Njegov siroki osmijeh

Da osjeti njegove grube ruke

Da čuje svoj umiljati glas

A ja njegove misli ne čujem

Samo kada bih mogla da na kratko uđem

Da sva čudovišta ubijem

Da posadim najlijepše cvijeće

Da ostane sve blistavo i čisto

Da osjeti ljubav koju nikad neće znati pružiti

Još uvijek te volim, i još dugo neću prestati

-E.

Solid night of knocking sticks down! 7 pin cost me the first game! @motivbowling Venom Shock was rolling well. Missed the transition a bit and switched to my old Trident in the 8th frame of the second game. Couple erratic shots cost me but all in all a good night @maplelaneswloo #motivnation #motiv #bowling #maplelanes #ilikebowling #gobowling #venomshock #motivvenomshock #motivtrident (at Maple Lanes) https://www.instagram.com/p/Cp1V7OYM-hb/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ.･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ.･ ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ.･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽

hii, i’m a 22 yo in 5th year of med school (if all goes well, graduating in ‘25); i love being a pharma “TA” & i work 2 extra internships (in anesthesiology and in an ACU/ER). and i hate studying. i hate class, i have a really hard time paying attention, and i genuinely don’t know how to study.

so i made this blog with the intent to romanticize the student life, and maybe that way i can work through my issues a bit more easily.

main: @vampyricc (she/her)

yes, i’ve tested for ADHD but every psychiatrist says it’s just chronic depression and PTSD. i think i actually love medicine, but my low self esteem and insecurity (caused by my bad grades — i unfortunately rely all my self worth on academics) make me build a wall around it and freeze / avoid it at all costs.

“TA” is the best term i could find to describe what i do in english. we’re students who teach a class we’ve already taken to the students taking that class — we mostly just go over topics the class is having trouble understanding and “pre-grade” some of their assignments. to become one, a student has to finish a 1 year long course with honors (i had a 97.5% GPA) and then take an exam to compete for the spots available for that class (pharma has 6 spots, i placed 3rd). it’s like the only thing i did right.

i’ve only got the 1 year in the TA/monitoring program as an official extracurricular so far, but i just need a few signatures to officialize the retroactive years in my anesthesiology internship. i can’t do that with my ambulatory/ER job, though — i do it for money and experience.

my 3ish y. academic plan: apply for 2 or 3 internships in state teaching hospitals and hopefully get at least one of them (which would be a 12 h shift during the weekend). aside from that, either apply for the pharma 2 monitoring program or join a league, and publish a paper related to it. start a course to help with residency exams, and drop everything to spend my last semester of med school 100% focused on that. after that, who knows, just survive, i guess.

i don’t have time to work enough to make enough money to live alone, so i live with my mom, and that’s how it’s gonna be for a long time. but my mom is a hardcore hoarder, there currently isn’t a single flat surface in the house where i could lay an open notebook, so sadly i’ll probably never be able to take any aesthetic studying pics of my own.

EDIT: this is really hard. i don’t have time for extracurriculars cause i have to work to have money to pay for med school. i’m drowning in debt (over 200k in debt to my name alone, not even mentioning my mom who’s also got bad credit because of me). fuck

A Family portrait during the Spanish Flu, 1918 ♡

[on the verge of having a complete breakdown] i need to make some kind of list or perhaps sort things into categories

- Evelyn Waugh, from Brideshead Revisited (1945)

me when the disability disables me: oh what the fuck? this sucks. what the hell man!

source

Kako sam do sada bez broj noći sjedila i posmatrala zvijezde uz najtužnije balade Balaševića tako ispade i ove. Stalno mi je on na pameti, bio to neki glupi kontekst ili nešto bitno no opet je on u pitanju. Ne bih mogla podnjeti da ga vidim sa nekom drugom, ali kada bi bio sretan i nasmijan i kada bi mu oči svjetlucale onda bih i to preboljela. Mislim da mi se ipak neko drugi može svidjeti jer na kampu sam vidjela dosta lijepih lica i po koje smeđe oči ali niko nikada kao on. Jedan momak mi je bio dosta gotivan s ibzirom da dijelimo iste hobije i uživamo u istim stvarima ali ni to nije to, svi oni postoje ali niko nije on. Previše sam postala opsesivna sa njime i mnogo griješim sa tim no ne znam kako da prežalim. Ljubav ne prolazi tako lako, ali novi osjećaji jednostavno dolaze zatim odlaze ali taj jedan se mnogo duboku uvukao u mene. Gledajući zvijezde sam ugledala jedu kako pada, suza se želi spustiti ali ne može, ostala mi ideja da zaželim želju a bila bi da smo srerni oboje. Da sam tražila svoju sreću to bi bilo previše sebično jer ne želim da forsiram bilo što. Svjesna sma da me ne voli ali on je moja tiha patnja koja sporo prolazi. Da sam tražila za njega sreću ja bih propatila dosta jer ne znam njegive ciljeve. Sreća za oboje je najlijepša opcija jer možda se na kraju i spojimo. Možda na kraju proabm taj otrov o kojem su me upozorili, možda se pretvori u najslađi med koji će ostati do daljnjeg. Da znam da uzimam otrov opet bih ga uzela, samo kako bih osjetila njegov dodir, njegov pogled, njegive riječi i njegiva dijela. Svako zrno pustinje bih dala samo za jedna pogled mojih najdražih smeđi očiju. Samo kada bih mogla da mu kažem šta osjećam rekla bih mu ali znam da će mu to biti sve smiješno i glupo jer ne vidimo istim očima, ne živimo ispod istog oblka i ne sanjamo iste snove. Različiti smo ali stvar je da bih se ja promjenila za njega, uradila bih apsolutno sve što je u mojoj mogućnosti. Dala bih mu da mi oduzme sve osim obraza jer i nakon njega to mora da ostane pa kako god da se ja osjećala. Jedva čekam da opet srenem najlijepše oči i da se ond amoje ispune nekim suzama koje će proći u roku od treptaja ali do tad momenat traje vijekovima.

-E.

save me mother and child imagery save me thistle’s innate desire for a family save me (peep the mother and child painting on the first pic)

don't give up

"How to look good in a dress" or, you know, whatever you want to wear!

(I am definitely not the best person to talk about this, but here we are.)

If you like my content, please consider subscribing to my Patreon, or watching on youtube.