always feel like a bit of a hypocrite for hating incorrect quotes but loving alignment chart memes. like. that’s their cousin.

It's not okay to use slurs, even in a historical context.

It’s not okay to use slurs...but we need to think about more than just the moment.

I think that we should follow Looney Tune’s example, regarding their “Golden Collection” cartoons.  They now give a statement preceding each of these cartoons, saying in essence:

‘... some of the cartoons contain content that is  politically incorrect by today's standards, but will be shown uncut and uncensored for historical reasons, "because removing these inexcusable images and jokes from this collection would be the same as saying [these prejudices] never existed".’

Whitewashing (in the sense of erasing) prejudices found in the past doesn’t help our present at all, in my opinion.  We literally ignored racism as a culture (white culture) in this nation after the Civil Rights movement because we deluded ourselves into thinking “everything’s great now, racism is in the past!”  Yet flamingly obviously it never was, and never will be so long as we cling to the idea of erasing our problems and denying our pains.

The most important difference between Germany and the rest of the world regarding the aftermath of WWII is that they made sure that each successive generation learned, and learned from, the horrors of the Third Reich, the Nazi regime, the Holocaust, and the callous disregard or willful obliviousness of themselves, their parents, their grandparents and great-grandparents, teaching these lessons from generation to generation.

To erase any bigotry or racism that happened once upon a time is to erase the pain the people in that era felt, the struggles that they survived...or did not survive.  Yet to slap it in people’s faces is painful for today’s folks.  So the best solution is to preface with the context, and to be willing to engage in good-faith dialogues about which things have changed, which have not, and what can be done to change our current culture for the better.

Ignoring a problem does not make that problem go away. It allows the garbage to rot and the old wounds to fester.  To address a problem, you have to admit the problem exists, or existed, or will continue to exist if you don’t, y’know, acknowledge and address it.

The thing with writing historical stories is that we need to remember that it wasn’t a case of stark, blanket racism everywhere.  Some people did try to address these problems.  Not nearly enough (duh), but there were individuals, families, businesses, and even communities that chose to be welcoming rather than racist or restrictive.  It’s not ahistorical to have your characters encountering racism (again, duh), but it’s also not ahistorical to have them combatting it, whether through direct confrontation or kindness.

If you’re quoting actual people in a factual historical account, it is wrong to leave out any racist slurs they might have used. But you do need to remind your readers that this was a previous era, and these days demand better behavior.  If you’re writing a fictional story, the protagonists (good guys/gals) should definitely not use the slurs, and get upset when they are being used.  Your story doesn’t have to have slurs of course...but the setting will dictate that far more than anything.

If it does contain slurs, then their use should be placed in both an historical context and a modern-day censuring, aka used only by those who are ignorant but correctable, or by villain characters.  And if they are used, there does need to be a content warning (#cw) between the title page and the start of the story, a mention of what kind of content it is (just as for any other content warning or trigger warning content), and a variation of the Looney Tunes preface should definitely be used.

It’s easy to make the context clear to modern readers that bigoted behavior was not acceptable back then--no matter what the majority might have thought--and that it’s certainly no longer acceptable now, and to do so without erasing & thus denying all the suffering that the targetted folks in the past endured.  If anyone has difficulty in doing so, they’ll simply need to practice, and need to pay sensitivity readers and need to listen to those advisors...or just stick to writing stories set in worlds without our massive widespread racism problems.

(Just be advised that no culture is completely unproblematic. Hell, even Star Trek with its quasi-utopian future of universal basic income, all needs met, etc was, is, and will never be 100% perfect.)

For that matter, no writer is perfect. I’ve written things in my past that stemmed from ignorance & obliviousness that I’m not pleased to admit I wrote.  I won’t deny that I wrote them (especially the crap that got published).  That would be wrong, and rude, and stupid. But I am (and will continue) trying to be a better person and a more conscientious writer.

I won’t erase the slurs of the past.  I’ve been hurt by bigoted slurs (not racist but certainly fatphobic, homophobic, misogynistic, etc), and I don’t want anyone to erase and thus deny the pain I felt when those were inflicted upon me.  How could I deny all those in the past who were discriminated against for those things and more? I’d be betraying my own feelings to deny such things happened.  I’d be covering over an uncleansed wound, making it fester and sicken...and pretending it didn’t hurt me wouldn’t get others to stop doing it obliviously.  (Can’t do anything about those who do it maliciously, but some folks just don’t realize it.)

I will put such things into context, I will quote bigoted assholes factually in non-fiction works...and if I’m writing fiction, I’m going to make it clear contextually to my readers that such behavior is villainous & reprehensible.  It always was, and it always will be.  Covering it up, ignoring it, pretending it never happened...will never fix the problem.

If we see something that is wrong, if we acknowledge its existence, then we have the chance to fix it.

I’m done burying my head in the sand, and I’m certainly not going to go around sticking my fingers in my ears, yelling “lalalalala, caaan’t hear youuuuu, it never haaappennnned!”

I’d rather fix things and move on...but also stay vigilant against old callous habits returning & resuming their unwanted bad behaviors.

Unsolicited Criticism

So a few years ago, I dealt with some criticism in my personal life over my choices. I’m a NB queer witch who is (not legally) married to two people. It was a bit of a thing, but it has ended my relationship with an extended family member. I had some other things happening in another sect of my more immediate family that I did not agree with, but I held my tongue (because it’s none of my business) which was kind of weird as well.

So I got to thinking, because I like to take things like people being assholes and turn it into a lesson that can apply to other people and other situations. There should be a way to turn something wretched into something you can learn from. It’s not about putting a positive spin on things - sometimes, things just suck and there is no turning that frown upside-down. It’s about taking the situation, removing the emotion from it, and using it as a blueprint for other, similar situations so you can have a plan for how to deal with these things that crop up in the future.

I thought it might be a good thing to talk about dealing with unsolicited criticism and opinions about your choices, your life, and your craft.

I really believe that the choices we make in this life are ours to make. I think too many people are willing to stick their noses into things they have no business being wrapped up in, and it causes more grief than it is worth. Everyone feels their opinion is valid, important, and needed. This is not always the case.

People should ask themselves these four questions before the open their mouths/type away on their keyboards:

- is it true?

- is it kind?

- is it needed?

- is it something I need to say?

Opinions or criticism should have some grain of truth to them. They should be constructive (aka kind). They should be necessary - and actually necessary, not just because you feel ��it’s the right thing to say’, and it should be something that you feel you are required to impart to the party receiving it.

How do you know if it fulfills these simple requirements?

Firstly, and always, you need to look at where the criticism/opinion is coming from. Is it someone you trust, or whose opinion you value? Is it some random stranger? Why do you think they are saying what they are saying? Have you decided to become a drug mule or join a crime family, or did you just get your hair cut short or paint your bedroom? Most times, when these things are coming from trusted people, like family members, they are coming from a place of love. Most times. Because they are family, there is a certain expectation that their opinion carries more weight. When your old Christian aunt is telling you that you are going to hell because if your beliefs, it could be coming from a place of love. It could also be coming from a place of condescension. Maybe auntie thinks your beliefs are stupid, or silly, of that you aren’t capable of making your own decisions? The key is learning to interpret the tone of their concern, and act accordingly.

My old Catholic grandmother, gentle soul that she is, told me at 14 that I was going to hell because I would not get confirmed. It was so matter of fact, with not a lick of condescension. She merely said she would pray for me, hugged me, and we both moved on with our lives. It came from a place of love. Previous drama came from a place of condescension and foolishness, and it was rebuked.

Secondly, use your own critical thinking skills and judgement to determine if the criticism/opinion holds any merit. Sometimes people around us try to present us with situations that we may be otherwise blind to. Maybe you’re culturally appropriating something and it’s offensive to the people around you and to that group. Maybe something you present online or in person is actually super racist. Maybe your practice includes some manner of hurtful or harmful practice, and people are concerned for your wellbeing. Maybe you’re mentally ill, and off your meds, and people are concerned for you. We can’t always see things that are right in front of us, and sometimes it takes an outside observer to clue us into what we may be missing. There are valid points in being criticized - we often learn from it in a beneficial way if it is constructive and seeks to better you as a person. Hell, a large portion of my schooling was learning to take constructive criticism, which is super important as an artist who works commercially. Not everyone is going to like what you present, or agree with your own opinions.

Thirdly, you have to realize that you have every right to disagree or rebuke the criticism/opinion. If someone is disagreeing with how you are practicing, you have every right to tell them to go pound sand. Depending on the source, you should be able to decide how you want to act. It also depends on how forceful or backward the opinion is - if the person is family but is holding a bigoted and hurtful opinion, you have every right to disagree with what they are saying, and explain to them how they are incorrect. Opinions are not factual - they are not immovable, or static. They are moveable and should be ever evolving. If they then refuse to alter their opinion, and choose to continue to hold a hurtful viewpoint - for example, they’re racist, homophobic, bigoted, sizeist, etc - you can make the choice to be willing to accept that as a part of who they choose to be, or move on in life without them.

Now, I have a pretty strict policy on just cutting people out of my life. Part of that reason being I spent a large portion of my life being a doormat and letting people treat me poorly. I decided a long time ago that life was better spent with those who can respect me and love me rather than out of obligation. Life is too short for bullshit. I know I am a good person who deserves to be treated with the dignity and respect I seek to treat others with. I will not lower my standards to expect any less. Second chances are given, but if someone wounds me badly enough, no amount of 'I’m sorry’ is gonna cut it. I can always forgive, but I have the memory of an elephant and I will never forget.  (Short version: I know I’m a good person, and if you treat me like crap I will cut you.) 

How you choose to proceed is your choice. Always know that as an adult, you have the choice to have a relationship of your choosing with family or friends. Some families suck, some people have had abusive upbringings or have been kicked out by parents, and it’s not feasible to maintain a relationship. There is no obligation - no one owes anyone anything. You owe your parents nothing - the gratitude for bringing you into the world and raising you is fine, but that was a choice they made in having you. Realizing that is liberating, and can also set you up to address issues and problems that could be hurting your relationship with family. It can help to form real and lasting bonds built on mutual respect and equal footing. The same goes with friends - they are people you choose to surround yourself with. How and what relationship you choose to have with them is just that - your choice. The quote 'the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb’ comes to mind - we often build secondary families outside of our blood relations who we often have stronger bonds with because we can choose those people based on their merits and that they closely align with our own sensibilities. I have relatives that are crazy conservative, pro-life nut jobs, I have an aunt who physically and emotionally abused me as a child. I actively make the choice to disavow those people because we have no common ground to stand on - we are so vastly different there is no way to reconcile it. We are blood, but we are not family, if you get what I’m saying.

I should also point out that not every opinion should be aired. Sometimes, there are things you just need to keep to yourself. Yeah, okay, Susie’s hair does look like it was cut with a weed whacker, but telling her that will only hurt her and serves no purpose other than to be judgemental - maybe Susie likes her hair like that. Assuming you know better than Susie makes you a dick, because Susie is her own person and can do whatever she goddamn pleases with her hair. Maybe Joe’s altar looks tacky and cheap - still not your place to comment, because that’s Joe’s space and has nothing to do with you. Unless it involves the serious well being of someone or involves you directly, it may serve better to keep your opinions to yourself.

In the case of this criticism coming from an outside, anonymous source - I normally evaluate it, but often ignore it. It is hard to make personal judgements on someone without knowing who they are. If the person is actually making a really good point, even if it contrary to how I feel, I will take it under consideration and use my critical thinking to evaluate its usefulness. I try to approach all of my problems in a logical, matter-of-fact way. I often try and put myself in someone else’s shoes  - like if I was an outside observer in the situation, how would I react? If you remove the emotion from the situation, and look at the words said and the intention behind them, you can get a fairly clear sense of what you should do.

I’m not advocating cut and run - not even remotely. I am advocating personal choice, and telling you that if you are an adult, it is okay to make that choice if it is better for your wellbeing overall. Don’t keep people around out of obligation - it serves neither of you any purpose, and just builds resentment. It breeds guilt and doubt. Cut the ties, move on, and maybe someday you can get to a point of reconciliation and trust again - people grow and change as life and circumstances change.

When you are expressing your own opinions, remember those four points - is it true, kind, needed, and are you the vehicle to impart it? It makes conversations and discussions a lot more functional, that’s for sure. Anything that can make socially awkward people communicate effectively deserves a high five or self five.