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pancake-angst · 2 years

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The Rhythm of Silence

(Written for @mattmxrdock)

The Normandy was scheduled for maintenance in preparation for seeking out the Reaper IFF, so the entire crew had shore leave for three full Citadel days. Thane brought this up the way he usually started conversation with Metzli: by spending a long time silent in the same space before apparently addressing his comments to no one in particular, even though they were alone in the room. "EDI tells me you plan to spend the shore leave period on the ship."

Metzli glanced at him the way she always did, as if to make sure he was really talking to her. Then they shrugged, bending back over the datapad they were reviewing. "I want to supervise the repairs. This mission is basically a test run for the Collector base. I need to make sure we're ready."

"Of course," he said mildly, and then he settled in to wait as patiently as he ever waited for a target to cross his path.

Metzli didn't fidget, exactly, but she was a fellow scholar of stillness, and even the smallest of movements betrayed her the same way they did him. "Most of the crew has plans." They gave him a pointed look—well, all of Metzli's looks were pointed; they could say more in a glance than most people said in a speech, one of the things Thane liked best about them—but Thane understood this expression by now.

"I intend to spend some time playing the tourist. They've opened a new wing of the botanic gardens on the Presidium I would like to see, and Kolyat's been telling me about an asari restaurant in the Sunset Strip everyone's been raving about."

Metzli nodded. He thought she might not say anything more, but then she lifted her eyes and met his for a moment. Funny how he'd spent so much of his life never thinking about the color purple and now it took his breath away every time. "That sounds nice. I hope you have a good time."

He nodded back, and that was all.

***

Thane spent the first day of shore leave on the ship, occupying his time the way he would any other evening off active duty. He never exactly sought out Metzli because being so purposeful would spook them as surely as confessing his feelings without a careful amount of buildup. But he did leave himself open to being found, and Metzli found him, the way she usually did.

They spoke to him a little sooner than normal, which surprised and pleased him at the same time. "Are you going to follow through with your plans?"

Thane shrugged. "I'm not certain. I'm trying to decide if it would be more enjoyable to be alone with the same scenery or alone with novel scenery."

Metzli said nothing, which Thane expected. He was just settling back into his book when she said, "I could go with you if you want." She brushed away the one strand of hair that always fell into her face, and Thane's hand flexed involuntarily on his thigh, aching to do it himself. When Metzli spoke again, their voice was more measured. "I wouldn't want you to miss out on something you'd like to do. And Kasumi will give me hell if I don't leave the ship at least once."

"She did try to bet me you wouldn’t, but I demurred. She always finds a way to rig the game."

Metzli shook her head, but Thane saw the fondness in her eyes.

Thane waited to see if Metzli would say anything else, then went on himself. "It's up to you. The dinner reservation isn't until fairly late, but I was planning to leave the ship around noon to allow an ample amount of time at the gardens. If you wish to join me, it's your decision." He studied Metzli, trying to decide if he was playing his cards too close to his vest, then chose to go forward anyway. In the end, he'd rather regret saying too much than saying too little. He'd had more than enough of that in his life. "I would be very glad to have you to myself for the day."

Metzli stilled, only for a heartbeat. Then they nodded, deliberately raising up their datapad. "I'll see what I can do. I do have a lot of things to take care of around here."

Thane lifted his book, just as deliberately. "Of course." Neither of them said anything the rest of the time they spent together, but the silence was as welcome as bed after a long day.

***

Thane did not linger at the docks, nor did he walk any slower than he would have if he had more serious errands in mind. If he ended up going to the gardens alone, he ended up going to the gardens alone. Every breath he took was a gift, and anything beyond that was grace he had no right to take for granted.

He was halfway across the courtyard just outside the docks when Metzli's voice cut through the chatter. "Thane." His name from her lips was a hand wrapped directly around his heart, the feeling as welcome as the slight uptick in his heartbeat or the hitch in his breath.

He turned casually, though, smiling in a way she would recognize as broad but would look merely contented to anyone else. "Will I have the pleasure of your company today, then?"

"I think that might be laying it on a little thick." Metzli shrugged, though he could see the answer to his smile in their eyes. "But I decided I have time to tag along, yeah." She folded her arms. "EDI told me Kasumi made that bet with Zaeed instead, so I had to leave."

Thane laughed softly. "I daren't imagine the terms they've set for each other."

"There's fancy alcohol involved. I might have to confiscate it later. I didn't spend all this time making sure the ship was fixed for Zaeed to shoot it up or something."

"I'm certain that's the only reason you'd be confiscating it."

Metzli favored him with a smile, thin and lovely as the edge of a knife.

"Shall we?" Keeping his expression carefully neutral, he held out his arm. Metzli looked at him for half a beat, then took it.

"I don't actually know the way to the gardens," they announced to no one in particular, their hand tight on the inside of his arm. They matched the rhythm of Thane's steps perfectly without effort, like they'd done it their whole lives. "I don't usually have time for sightseeing when I'm here."

"That's a shame. For all its faults, the Citadel really is a wonder of the universe."

Metzli glanced up at him. "I guess I'm making up for lost time."

"So am I," said Thane softly, avoiding their eyes when they studied him.

***

They walked in silence to the gardens, and they spent most of the time in the gardens in silence as well. Thane was grateful, not merely for the chance to appreciate the scenery—and Metzli moving through it, black hair gleaming, purple eyes shining—but for the chance to think. Most of his life had been spent in silence of one kind or another, whether the tense stillness of a stakeout or the restless quiet of unwanted solitude.

Silence with Metzli was different. He usually had a hard time knowing his own mind; his thoughts could be as opaque to him as a pool of ink spilled across a holy text. But Metzli was a siha, and with her presence came focus and clarity of purpose, an unmistakable sense of certainty about what he was created to do. At first, he'd misunderstood, thought what he felt was merely relief at having a clear chance to do good after years of drowning in his sins.

And there was that, certainly. He was a weapon, made to be guided by a skilled hand, not wielded clumsily and then left to rust on a shelf, and no hand was more skilled than Metzli's.

But it was more. He was more, as reluctant as he still was to admit it. He was a man, with a heart of his own, and he needed to trust he could reach for the things he wanted without being burned.

If nothing else, he couldn't go into battle with these feelings like a weight inside him. It would be like admitting he thought they both would die, that there was no reason to hope because neither of them would be here on this side of the sea long enough for it to matter. And he wasn't allowed to think so pessimistically any longer, no matter how foreign it felt.

Before they actually left for this outing together, Thane hadn't been certain about this course of action. But now, watching Metzli wander ahead of him, the edges of their form gilded by the artificial light like jewelry, he knew it was the only right thing to do.

***

For most of their excursion, Metzli held on to his arm, always returning to take it again when they separated to look at different things. At some point, their hand slipped into his instead, their palm warm, and they only seemed to notice once they reached the end of the gardens, starting slightly without pulling away.

Once they were outside, Metzli let Thane lead her over to one of the balconies offering a view down into the many layers of the Citadel. She still didn't pull away, though without an obvious distraction, she was more restive. Which, for her, meant shifting her weight instead of standing perfectly still.

"How fancy is this restaurant?" they asked abruptly.

"I'm planning to change for dinner. But you are the hero of the Citadel, so I don't think they'll mind what you're wearing."

Metzli narrowed her eyes. Thane assumed it was about the heroism comment until she said, "You have other clothes?"

Thane brought a hand up to cover his smile. "Body armor isn't the best choice for every occasion, even for me. But we don't often have uninteresting expeditions, so I've been settling for practicality over style."

"We do get shot at a lot," Metzli agreed, their eyes grave. "What time is your reservation again?"

He knew she knew, but he made a show of glancing at the enormous clock overlooking the Presidium anyway. "In two hours."

Metzli rocked back on their heels. "Then I'm changing."

"Planning to let Miss Goto choose your outfit again?" He raised his brows.

"Are you ever going to let that go," she said flatly.

"No." Thane kept his tone light. He had to play this carefully, in case he spooked her, but he couldn't decide he needed to say something on one hand and keep his thoughts to himself on the other. "I far prefer your personal sense of style, but you must admit, Kasumi has a flair for the dramatic. Though, really, she could have put you in anything and you still would have had the entire room's attention."

Metzli stiffened, and he felt their gaze like a physical weight, but he only looked over the balcony again, though he couldn't help the slight curve of his lips. "If we're going back to the ship, then we should go."

But she kept her hand in his until they had to pass through the scanners to board.

***

Thane actually had several formal outfits, since sometimes assassinations required finding the highest level of a building and hiding out for hours, and sometimes assassinations required slipping into a high-class party and looking like he belonged there. He wasn't sure he particularly liked the look of himself in any of them, at least not more than the outfits he usually wore on the Normandy, but he knew he cleaned up well from the way people reacted to him when he bothered to change.

Still, he found himself nervous, adjusting the half-cape covering one arm and the sash at his waist until he cursed himself and settled into his usual stillness. Holding on to expectations was a fool's game. This would work out in his favor, or it wouldn't, and giving in to restlessness would only make Metzli worry.

As it turned out, he didn't have to worry about containing his nerves because the second Metzli came striding off the ship toward him, every coherent thought left his head. She was wearing a black cape with gold detailing, epaulets on the shoulders and frog fasteners in a neat line down her chest. The heavy cloth shifted as she walked, revealing a short black silk dress beneath, and her black knee-high boots made her footsteps echo as as she approached. Her hair hung in a perfect shining sheet halfway down her back. He wasn't sure he'd ever seen it completely unbound before.

They closed the distance between them, walking as briskly as they did on a battlefield, and took his arm, as if to make sure he had no chance to object. "I bought this a while ago," they said, like he'd asked.

Thane finally managed to pick his jaw up off the floor, though his throat and mouth were suddenly both so dry he had to swallow before he could answer her. "Is this the first time you've worn it?"

Metzli's eyes flicked up to his. "You're the only one who's seen me in it," they said, not quite a yes or no.

"Good," he said and led her away from the docks because if he kept standing there, he would have spilled everything he felt in one graceless rush. And maybe that wouldn't be the worst outcome in the world, but he refused to be so inelegant. Metzli deserved better, and his pride would never let him live it down.

They were silent all the way to the Sunset Strip. Metzli's lips turned down when they walked through the decontamination chamber and the lights and sound assaulted them both. "I've never actually been here before. I thought it was less tacky for some reason." They pressed closer to him, their eyes darting from passerby to passerby, automatically searching for threats.

"The restaurant is quieter," he assured them softly, drawing them down less-used pathways and through emptier areas. It made for a longer walk, but there were far worse things in the world than lingering in dark alleys with Metzli on his arm.

"I know. I looked it up on the extranet. I've never actually had asari food before, but it sounds all right. It'll be better than Cerberus rations, anyway."

Thane laughed. "For the prices, I should hope so."

Metzli's eyes danced with more than just the bright lights of the Sunset Strip. "You weren't doing anything with the money anyway. You might as well spend it on me." He laughed again at that, and Metzli turned their face away, but not before he caught the thin, exquisite line of their smile.

***

He paid extra for the reservation to ensure a table suiting his needs: a booth set back in the far corners of the restaurant, not merely for the romantic atmosphere but so they would both have a clear line of sight to all the entrances and exits. When the hostess showed them to their table, Metzli moved to undo her cape, and Thane stepped toward her involuntarily. "May I?"

They frowned at him, then turned their back so he could carefully ease the heavy fabric off their back. Beneath the cape, their shoulders were bare, and Thane wanted to rest his palms on the newly revealed skin. He didn't, of course, but the sight lingered in his mind all the same.

Metzli slid into the booth and raised their menu like a shield. Thane was expecting this; he took his time hanging up her cape and his outer robe on the rack beside the booth, flexing his hands for a moment to chase off the urge to touch. "Have you ever had asari food before?" she asked once he sat down.

"Not usually anything this elaborate. Have you?"

Metzli set the menu down. "No, but I looked at the offerings ahead of time so I'd know what I want."

"Efficient. I appreciate that."

Metzli narrowed their eyes, but when they realized Thane was serious, they leaned back in their seat, satisfied.

They ate in silence for the most part. Even though the food was very good and he had been trying so hard to stay present in himself instead of somewhere else, Thane barely tasted his meal. But for once he was distracted by nerves, not his memories or the dull fog of battle.

"I liked that more than I expected," Metzli said at the end. It was the only thing he really remembered from the evening afterwards.

***

When they got up, Metzli allowed Thane to help her back into her cape. Then, to his surprise, she took down his outer robe before he could claim it and gestured for him to turn. He stooped slightly so she could reach his shoulders and nodded his thanks once he had the clasps closed.

He expected Metzli to head straight for the doors, but they hesitated by their booth. "Going back to the ship now, I guess."

Thane shook his head. "Actually, I had one more thing in mind, as long as you don't worry about possibly getting into trouble."

Metzli studied him; he looked back evenly. "Trouble finds me whether I want it or not. And if it's your idea, it'll be worth the hassle."

He took that for the excellent compliment it was and held out his arm without another word. Metzli settled her hand on his elbow, and they walked out together.

***

When Thane led them back to the Presidium and into the keeper tunnels, a little furrow appeared between Metzli's brows, but they didn't ask anything until Thane found the service elevator he was looking for. "Is this a prank?"

"In case you haven't noticed, I'm not much for jokes." He flipped through his omnitool until he found the access codes. "And, in any case, I wouldn't do that to you.” The elevator finally came to their level, and Thane gestured for Metzli to go first. "Last chance to say no."

Shaking her head, she stepped inside. "Now I'm curious."

"Good."

The ride to the top took several minutes, and not merely because all Citadel elevators were slow.

"Are you sure this elevator even works?" The glint in their eyes told Thane they were joking.

"I certainly hope so. Getting rescued by C-SEC would be an awful end to our night."

"And no one would ever let us forget it."

The doors opened shortly after Metzli spoke, thankfully, allowing them to step out onto a narrow platform surrounded by a rickety balcony. "What on earth is this?" Metzli immediately walked to the edge. She drew in a sharp breath.

"The best view in the Citadel," Thane said, though he hadn't yet glanced over the railing. He was looking at Metzli.

She glanced over her shoulder. "Are you going to look or what? Don't tell me you came all the way up here just to realize you're scared of heights."

"That would put a cramp in my preferred fighting style." But he came to stand next to her. From this high up, the water feature at the center of the Presidium and the trees leading up to the Council chamber were specks he could block out with his thumb. It really was stunning, but not nearly as much as the company.

Standing beside Metzli, he realized he'd spent the whole day deciding to tell her the truth without figuring out how. Before he could think too long on the subject, though, a thoughtful expression creased their brow. "I'm glad we did this," they said softly, almost like they were speaking to themselves. "I always enjoy myself more than I expect to when I spend time with you." She paused, wrinkling her nose. "That came out wrong. I meant—"

Thane shook his head. "I understand. It's rare for me to find someone I like better than solitude as well."

Metzli nodded, their expression smoothing back out into serenity. "You never fail to understand me. Most people don't."

"A problem we share." He waited, but Metzli seemed to be finished. No more cowardice. If things didn't go as he hoped, they would end up with an awkward elevator ride, but he'd endured far worse. "Metzli... there's something I wish to discuss with you."

She didn't take his formality oddly, thankfully. "You can always tell me anything." They pushed back that one loose strand of hair, and Thane locked his hands behind his back. "I hope you know that by now."

"I do. But I'm afraid I'm out of practice with this sort of thing."

"What sort of thing? Hanging out?" Then, before Thane could respond, Metzli's eyes widened. "Wait, was this a date?" They pushed away from the railing, and only their expression, caught somewhere between confusion and pleasure, kept Thane from giving up on the idea entirely.

He would have to go forward carefully, of course, but he wouldn't care for Metzli the way he did if she had been any other way. So he kept his face calm, his posture open. "Would that really be so awful, Metzli?"

She drew in a breath at the sound of her name, but he couldn't tell if it was good or bad. "We—we were doing things friends do. You would have done these things anyway."

"I would have," he agreed.

"But you took me to dinner, and then—" Metzli stopped, glancing over their shoulder at the view. "Then you brought me up here." They crossed their arms over their chest, but it seemed more like an attempt to hold themselves together than an attempt to keep him away. Their eyes slowly slid over to his. "Is this a date?"

At least that was easy to answer. "I would like it to be. Does that end the conversation, or may I tell you what I brought you up here to tell you?"

"The conversation is never over between us." The firm tone of their voice was like a deep breath after hours of coughing.

He turned sideways to face her, and Metzli mimicked him, though her posture was stiff and unnatural. "I don't say any of this with any expectations, for the first. If this isn't what you want, it changes nothing." Her shoulders relaxed slightly. "I'm only speaking now because it would have felt dishonest to keep my silence any longer. You have breathed life back into me when I thought I was an empty vessel. You are a siha, a blessing beyond anything I could think to ask for on this side of the sea. And I love you."

Metzli stared at him for a long moment, as if looking for the trick. It was surprisingly easy to stare back without fear. Partly because he'd been expecting this reaction. Partly because he felt more relieved than he could say to simply have his truth out in the world instead of having to carry it around.

Then she turned away, but the expression on her face was fierce concentration, not dismay or disgust. As always, Thane could only wait and hope that all his careful preparation would bring him to the end he wanted. "I trust you more than I've ever trusted anyone, and I'm more comfortable with you than I've ever been with anyone. I've been trying to figure out what that means for a while. I'm not good at this kind of thing. Especially not when I'm involved. But Thane—"

She turned back to him, and her expression had softened, the armor in her eyes dropping as he watched. "I can't run away from these kinds of questions anymore either, not when we're so close to everything ending. And I don't want to."

"What do you want, Metzli?" he said, very softly.

She closed her eyes, but only like she was asking herself something silently. When they opened them again, they were smiling, something softer and more private than he was used to seeing. "I want to say you’ve been a blessing for me too. That I'm glad I met you." She reached up one hand to cup his face, moving slowly and carefully, as if she was afraid he might pull away. "That I love you." Another pause, a little longer than before. "And I want you to kiss me."

He put his hand over hers, holding it there against his cheek. He brushed back her hair, like he’d been longing to do since the moment she stepped off the ship. Then he leaned over to do as Metzli asked. They were already as far away from everyone else in the Citadel as they could have been. Yet still, everything disappeared, reduced to one perfect moment together.

When they broke apart, Metzli stared into his eyes for a moment longer. Then they stepped into his arms, and neither said anything more. They didn’t need to.

#shrios #nonbinary shepard #metzli shepard #thane krios #please picture me tenderly holding both of them in my hands

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