while we're spending the holidays differently in every part of the world, i'd like to take this time to send christmas hugs to everyone who
are sick and isolated
lost a loved one this year
those people who work away from their families
victims of natural calamities
are struggling with things they can't talk about it yet
have no choice to spend the holidays in relationships/ family set up they don't feel like 'home' anymore
and to everyone who feels pressured to be in the "joyful holiday spirit"
Just a reminder that it's okay to be yourself, spend the holidays in a own way that brings you peace and happiness. 💜
Therapy, transference & breakdowns.
I had a tough session this afternoon , I was all over the place. I cry in my sessions too because I feel safe.
Today I had a big breakdown but the way she always holds the space for my emotions, she's so compassionate and kind. She's the best and I'm so grateful for her. I have been seeing her for a year now, and I have this safe space once a week, for one hour and it's so hard to fit my whole week in one hour and talk about other things.
And I miss her after the sessions. I think about her for the rest of the remaining week. Sometimes I can't stop thinking about her. It's just transference, ik. We have boundaries and I love that but I can't control these feelings and I can't do anything about it. It sucks. It really sucks. I wish I could stop feeling this way. It's painful too and I'm too embarrassed to tell her, what if she leaves or thinks different of me?
She's always professional, she hold boundaries. I don't know if I should talk to her about this? How would she react? What would she think?
And it scares me to think that someday I might have to move on, ik that day is far, but even thinking about it scares me. I'm working on myself and lot of stuff.
Sometimes all I think about is you. ~ that song plays in my head~
I have no control over this feeling and I can't do anything about missing her. I have to wait another whole week.
I hate feelings, why? 😭 what if my feelings ruin this too? I feel embarrassed for myself. I don't want her to leave. She's amazing.
I wasn't sure if I should post this but if anyone has felt transference as well, you are not alone and it'll be okay.
This is me being honest about my journey.
✨My Art Summary of 2021! ✨
As a tradition and story time, reflections and thoughts on my art journey this year are below the cut, with the bonus of some exciting announcements too :)
If there are a few takeaways from what I learned as this year ends, it’s the fact that I learned how to be kind and take care of myself more often. Back then I was so scared because I started the year by resigning from a stable job, the pandemic still out there, but this year just tossed most of the anxiety away and I’m glad I made the right choice. I’m happier.
As someone who is not an art major graduate (as my parents back then wanted me to have graduated from a course that has higher chances of getting a job + I’m living in a country where art is underappreciated), pursuing my passion in art (specifically Multimedia Arts) is risky and prone to have struggles ahead. But hey, who’s to stop me if I know the means to get there?
“You said you resigned from your previous job last year, how’s everything going now?”
Can you believe me if I told you I have been in 4 industries all throughout my three year work experience in one company? Yep. That first job of mine is actually where I started as an intern, eventually got absorbed, got a regular position, then moved to different departments doing jobs that I didn’t know I was good at. During that time young me was so engrossed in the idea that “hey! I'm a jack-of-all-trades kind of an employee!”, "i'm so flexible!" and “this is the adult working life! Relentless hustle and bustle here we gooo-"
Then bam three years in I was already so bored and exhausted. Not to get into the nitty gritty of that part, but I knew I had to leave when I realized that after almost all my workmates are resigning and I’m working as a one man department – my mind went “oh boy, I don’t want to retire in this place, I gotta yeet this job...”
So here am I, out here, figuring out what I really wanted to do in life. I know I want to make content, I want to draw, design, edit videos, learn about other mediums – things that will give me the adrenaline rush (similar to when I make content in my blogs) and make me feel that I’m working on something that I love and happy about.
Fast forward a bit, after a few months being unemployed, i knew then that I was not yet ready to jump back into another corporate job (though I tried to submit some resumes mid-year), so I decided to become a Freelancer. Currently, I’m a self-employed Graphic Artist cum Content Creator now, whose studying and researching lot of things along the way haha (soo, if I’m not making content here, I’m actually creating content for small businesses out there or mostly just living life 😅)
"I learned how to take care of myself."
Oh man, it was hard. It was hard specially I had to do that by myself (short bg: i considered at some point to go to therapy due to my past traumas and anxiety, but the voice in me that says “I want to take time to reflect on and understand what I’m feeling” & “I think I can still figure this out myself” are stronger so I decided not to). Working non-stop back then left me burnout and restless in everything during the first three months of my post-job resignation.
I was always too hard on myself every time I spend playing a game/ watching a movie for hours and labeling myself as “lazy procrastinator”, despite the fact that I’m just resting. I realized I’m being too much of an over thinker that I forget to enjoy the present. I also tend to fit and finish too much tasks on a day because I was afraid that I’m wasting time. I was afraid that being complacent meant bad things will happen soon and I fear that I won’t be ready for that.
I created my own mental hell for myself :(
One small incident that turned my self-loathing around was when I accidentally permanently deleted everything on my desktop– I was so pissed and angry at myself (I even deleted some of my sister’s homeworks too). I apologized and spent my entire day that day researching “how to restore files” like an uneducated IT, and I was just – all over the place.
The night of that very same day, I thought of myself something different. “I’ll treat myself some milktea”, as I purchased extras too for my sisters as consolation. I kid you not, and it’s so hilarious thinking about it now – I teared up sipping my milktea as I slowly come to my senses and think “Is this how it feels to reward yourself even if you made a mistake?” & “that I can forgive myself on small things and it felt good?”, i found the truth wherein you don’t always have to treat yourself if only you did something right. You deserve to feel loved by yourself despite your mistakes, failures, and imperfections 💖 Sometimes you can just be.
From that day on, I decided to rethink how I see myself. I admit it’s still in the works, and I’m happy to have made some progress. Baby steps. Baby steps. Self-healing is not an overnight process.
On a spiritual/religious aspect, it really also helped when I finally got my chance to go to a confession with a priest. There were also a lot of things that I finally rid off my chest the past two years 💜
Art Accomplishment, Progress, and Improvements
Freelance has its own pros and cons, especially in terms of salary as you continuously look for the next project and all that. Thank God, one of my clients became my regulars and they were very nice and considerate of me every time I ask if I can “take a break so I can replenish my creative juices”.
In the span of this year, I was able to create a different routine for myself where I work 3-5 hours a day, 3-4 times a week, without distractions (if not working/ I’m studying on my own), take a break, do some chores, then go out for a walk to have a change of pace. I like it. It’s peaceful.
So with all the effort and money saving stuff I did – I’m so proud of myself to have brought an ipad, studying about drawing and animating on procreate (and the apple pencil came in later lmao, but still!!) not to mention the extra support and trust you guys gave me when I asked some extra funds for the accessories 💕
Its funny that most of the time I’m sketching and touching my ipad case/ using my Bluetooth keyboard my mind is like “people on the other part of the world who don’t personally know you loves what you’re doing, bro” – and I’m always thankful for that 😊
In terms of my art style, I’m still experimenting a lot, my works from September 2021 are my favorite ones as I was using 3D models as a part of the process and lesser layers that changed my approach to digital painting. I’m not really panicking in terms of finding my “one true art style”, but I’m more of looking at focusing on my work process and consistency.
What’s in for next year?
All in all, things are turning around for me, though I know i'm still on a transitional phase. I feel like I would still be giving my Freelance thing going on for a couple of months, improve on my portfolio, and try to apply for a job in the creative industry. Please pray for me to land on a job that is fulfilling and pays well (/TToTT)/
For my art blogs & accounts, I’ll still try my best to be active as much as I can. Although I might be saying goodbye to my ml side blog (I mean, I won’t delete it but, I won’t be too involved in the fandom as much as I used to in S2 & S3 - like organizing events and posting every day- as I prefer now to be a casual fan of the show)
For now, I’m working on the next parts of my lukagami snekmouse au, then the Miraculous Animatic Project I’m working on will be released soon, an upcoming DTIYs on my instagram will be up as soon as I reach 1.5K follows there, AND I’m thinking of creating subscription tiers on my Ko-fi – It’s still an abstract idea as of now but – I’m thinking of subscription tiers involving sharing exclusive content like: my unpublished sketches/ ideas, monthly compiled pdfs of my random doodles, free art tips/ consultations, early sneak peaks to my upcoming works, and more!
I guess that's it for now and thank you for reading until here.
See you around in this site and looking forward to making more content for you guys next year 🤗