Fuck this year but I'm employed

Finally employed again after being "laid off" in march. (lmao) I have to say, Fuck this shit. It should not be this hard to get a job. My previous 6 years of employment was in machine shops, dealing with gun parts that required basically perfection. I was practically begging for employment from general retail stores for months, one where I even went back for several interviews yet they wouldn't hire me. (: Come fucking say to my face that people don't want to work and are lazy. Places aren't actually hiring, either that or I get told I haven't heard back because I'm overqualified. SO FUCKING WHAT? WHY SHOULD THAT BE A THING. IF I AM ASKING FOR EMPLOYMENT DO THEY THINK IT'S A JOKE? The fact that It was such a struggle for me to get a simple job of putting items on shelves is absolutely ridiculous. I had to sell many of my possessions. Friends gave me money just so I could afford food. I received some government help but that again is the stupidest shit I've ever dealt with. You are so limited to how much help, money they will give you and god forbid you are an able bodied person. What's wrong with you you obviously don't really need this assistance so we will give a very limited amount of help and you can't reapply for years! My mental health has been the worst it's ever been. Not that it's ever been good to begin with. I've spent most nights just crying because I didn't know what to do. This world is so unfair. We shouldn't require this of people just so they can try to live. And of course. My first night on the job will be on my birthday, so there went any enjoyment of that day.

whats the secret to enjoying life?

Accepting that everything is flawed, and enjoying things regardless.

Here's the thing: My house is, objectively, kinda shitty. It's 121 years old and it hasn't been maintained the best. It is very, very easy to let myself focus only on all the negatives and needs-done in this house, but if I do that, I will be miserable. Me being miserable will not get any of that done faster or better. Instead, I chose (and it is a choice) to focus on the good parts of it: it's MINE! No one can stop me from painting it funny colors, and the kitchen is huge, and I finally have a dedicated studio space. I'm working on a painting and I seem to only be making it worse, not better, but luckily I have tons of time to keep trying to fix it, and painting is fun to do! A friend bailed on me for a trip up north, which makes me the only single person going, but that's okay because everyone going is a great person, so I'll have a nice time regardless.

There are days that I am miserable and things seem pointless. I take those days as they come and do my best to perform happiness anyway, because letting misery dictate my actions will only make me more miserable. There are times I'm too tired for that, but to the extent I am physically and mentally able, I demand happiness from myself. Sometimes it's not real, but we are creatures of habit. We learn the actions we repeat, until mimicry becomes genuine response.

I used to respond to a lot of things with anger, just as a knee-jerk reaction. It wasn't good. I had to learn, consciously, to not do that, to take the anger and set it aside, even when it was a valid reaction, because it wasn't helpful. It took me a long, long time to learn to control my anger, and I still work on that daily. But I have improved--anger comes to me rarely now. Likewise, control of my sorrow is a lifelong battle.

Life sucks. Things are going to go wrong, and stuff you were excited about is not going to go the way you wanted it to. It's fine--healthy, even--to take a minute to mourn for disappointed expectations and loss. But if you stay in that feeling, all you will be is unhappy.

I will be happy. I will choose to be happy, over and over again until the stubborn grinding machine of my brain accepts that misery is no longer the first choice.

Night out

Benny watts x reader

I'm so so so sorry this to so long to come out. I had planned it to be out for new year and then I kept changing my mind so it may not seem like it makes sense apologizes, I'm also promptly moving tomorrow. I literally was told my parents couldn't handle me and my mental health anymore and am not getting kicked out just ( space for everyone ) so yea I'm feeling very low and just so no one wonders why the next one will probably take so long. I'll be living with my real mum who has her own issues too so we will see

Trigger warning - slight alcohol miss use. Slight drunken abuse (not from benny he would never.)

Some cuddles and fluff

Prompt - ”Can you please come and get me ”

--------

It had been a less than successful night. Your sure others wouldn't agree but you sat next to a gutter at the side of a very quiet road in front of a building of which merely hours ago you had been drinking aside friends in had drunk adults spilling from the door as everyone came and went.

Your arms wrapped tightly around yourself, you glanced around and spotted a payphone a little down the street. Pulling yourself off the ground and reaching for your bag you stumble your way away from the slow rumbling music that clung around the door from inside. It got distant and you fell into the booth.

You thought about how the night had started. The party had been on everyones mind for days. You were going with cleo and the boys. Beth was even gonna meet you guys there. Who was in New York for a few days, staying in a hotel a few blocks from the party. Although she didn't stay long, trying to keep sober.

You guys had got there around 11. In time for the beginning of shots being pasted around. Which you off course accepted. Kick starting the night with some vodka.

All went well for a few hours, by about 2 you'd put back your fair share of drink. And that's when it started to hit you. You weren't a stranger to the results of alcohol tho and kept going like it was nothing.

But apparently your uneven walking had caught the attention of some...less than pleasant individuals. They had tried talking to you before and you just ignored them. They had a look in their eyes that you weren't comfortable with so you didn't dwell on them.

But they had dwelled on you it seemed. They noticed as your balance had started to wobble. Quite possibly noticing when your words all slurred together. And definitely when you stumbled in front of them as you had unsuccessfully attempted to step past one of them. But there was no call for the man to grab you. And not in a way to help you balance. You told him to let go. But his hands had other ideas. You tried to pull his hands off of you and your not sure what happened next but he slapped you.

You probably did something wrong you thought. You always screw things up.

Some words were exchanged and you rushed out. Not after kneeling him in a not so nice place. he tried to grab you. Ripping the shoulder of your one straps. It was a cheap dress but now you had to make sure you help up the strap just in case.

You felt humiliated and your face hurt.

You found some money in your bag, next to some mint gum that you decided was a higher priority.

Benny hadn't come to the party. He thought it sounded stupid. And when you had stepped out of your room into the middle of the apartment he looked at you and snorted.

” what do you expect to get in that get up?” he asked suggestively.

You didn't think anything of it and giggled at him. But now you thought maybe it truly was your fault an that you seemed like you were asking for it.

Shaking your head to clear it of such thoughts. Which made the small booth spin a little but you stuck with it. Putting in the coins and trying to remember the right numbers for the house. You felt sick as you listened for the click of the phone being a answered and a harsh voice on the other end speaking.

”hello?”

It was Benny. Hopefully you hadn't woke him.

” Benny?” you whispered out. Realising you had to speak

” Y/N?” he questioned. Voice softening a little.

You twirled the cable as you stared at your shaking hand.

Your throat seemed to close up as you looked for the words. To explain how drunk you had got. To explain what the men tried to do to you. Why you hadn't come home yet even though it was now 3.

” Y/N what's the matter” he asked sternly.

Your eyes pricked with sudden tears and with a slight choke you sobbed out.

”Can you please come and get me ”

”what happened where are the others?” he seemed startled

” I don't know. I'm sorry. Please Benny.”

There was a split second of silence and then

” I'm coming to get you stay right where you are. ” and then another click.

You waited. Felt like a life time. You thought about a lot of things. Part of you was worried Benny wouldn't come. That he would leave you here. You struggled to keep your self balanced so you went over to a step and sat down. Put your head in your hands with your elbows resting on your thighs.

You sighed. Maybe you should find your own way. You sat up and ran your fingers through your hair.

It wasn't to long before a taxi pulled up in front of you and outstepped a slightly frustrated looking Benny.

His hair askew and a loose black shirt, he took a few long strides to reach you.

Looking up you giggled at how tall he looked. Sighing at your antics he held out a hand and began to pull you too your feet.

Wobbling considerably you made it to an upright position and with a long arm around your waist you stumbled your way to the taxi.

You some how got in. A testament to what a person would do to get away from a party.

You could tell he hadn't noticed your strap or face yet, you had concealed it well. Somehow.

Time didn’t work for you so you’ve no idea how long it took to get home. But when you did benny got out first to open the door for you and pay the driver.

Thanking the man. He shut the car door and watched for a second as it pulled away before turning his attention to the more presssing matter of the drunking idiot before him. Giggling at a joke he obviously missed.

He noticed your face. You saw the moment he did and he stepped closer. Enough to see the outline of a hand.

This was when Benny realised there was a little more to this story of you just getting blitzed as he, for the first time took in your appearance, clocking the strap you were holding up with your arms folded.

A hint of rage passed through him before he calmed and took your hand to get you inside. You were barely three steps into the building befor you asked

“How am I supposed to get down the stairs”

Slurring lightly.

He sighed. Not for the last time and leaned down to hoist you into his arms and proceeded with caution as he walked with you. You giggled some more as you wrapped your arms around his neck, hugging into him.

You were drained. And you wanted to sleep. Leaning your face into his neck you've never felt safer.

When he reached the bottom he placed you down gently and unlocked the door to let you both in. This time just holding you round the waist as you wobbled down the small set of stairs. He then pulled you to the sofa and sat you down.

After doing the usually after drinks things like water and getting you a jumper and some shorts of his he then sat next to you and spoke for the first time since you's had got in.

”are you going to tell me what happened?” he gently pushed. Not wanting to push you over the limit but he was concerned.

Your face fell and you nodded a little and told him very roughly but enough that he understood what had happened. He was angry, to say the least, but knew there was nothing he could do about the disrespectful toad roaming the streets. So he settled to offer you an open arm for you to cuddle into him. You of course jumped at the offer and snuggled into the warm man.

You didn't want to go to bed and Benny knew that. Knowing you'd not have the effort to get up and both being quite comfortable where you both remained.

You spotted a book on the coffee table and looked up at Benny with puppy dog eye that you knew he couldn't refuse.

” will you read to me?” you pleaded.

He chuckled and lent forward to retrieve the book. It happened to be the hobbit. ( I know it's not for everyone but I know it's written before Benny time so apologies please roll with it)

As he started to read chapter one an unexpected party and began describing the hobbit hole. You felt yourself begin to doze off to the soothing tones and his other hand rubbing soft circles on your upper arm.

It wasn't how the night had supposed to go but you were with him now and you felt protected. Knowing he came to your aid.

(with regards to the slap Yes I know this is a little unrealistic it lasting that long but I once got one that lasted a few hours ( I’m not being hit just to clarify it was a joke with some pals who one of them was telling me about a slap match to see how much he could take and the other we were with friend had really went for it and it was actually shockingly sore and my drunk ass went I can take it and he was reluctant at first and then went to go and did it before stating that was hadn’t been hard enough and went again even harder and it left quite a mark and we all laughed so ya. ) but just pretend if you don’t think it would )

What are your top 5 Ted Lasso episodes?

1. Two Aces. The introduction of Dani Rojas? The signs of the cracks in Jamie Tartt’s psyche? The team bonding? ‘So what you’re saying is, we’ve got 400 ghosts?’ ‘That’s too many ghosts.’ ‘We cannot fight them all.’ There’s so much to love about this episode. I even enjoy the scene where Ted yells at Jamie, if only because it’s the first time we really see the cracks in Ted’s armour – he’s not always smiley and happy and understanding, and he can be pushed to the limit, and from the way Jamie’s been acting you can totally understand how he’d be pushed to breaking point.

2. Trent Crimm: The Independent. I feel like this is the first time we see Ted's management style working and working well; I also love how this episode showed the dysfunctional team dynamics made plain (Roy ducking his responsibilities as captain, Colin and Isaac being so easily swayed by Jamie) which I love. Plus, Trent Crimm and his luscious mane stepping into the limelight for the first time, which can only be a good thing. (Also Roy’s ‘FUCK!’ when he realises that he has to step up and be a good captain is cinematic perfection.)

3. Headspace. I realise this controversial choice, because the Nate storyline is so painful to watch, but I absolutely love having my heart ripped out if the writing and the acting is good, and Nick Mohammed and Billy Harris’s acting in that confrontation scene is PHENOMENAL. I love the Grecian tragedy of Nate misunderstanding the team’s joking around because of his own vulnerabilities in the past, I love the team’s coming together to support Colin, I love the painful artistry of that final scene with Will – this episode stomped on my heart and I thanked it for the privilege.

(And that’s not even getting started on the Ted ‘n Doctor Sharon scenes!)

4. Man City. Was Richmond’s loss against Man City painful to watch? Yes. Was I seriously worried about Sam and Rebecca’s life choices? Also yes. Did I think Jamie’s confrontation with his father was phenomenally well-acted, and did the haircut scene cause my little heart to swell two sizes too big? Absolutely yes.

5. The Signal. There’s a lot I could say about the overarching themes of season 2 really coming into play in this episode – Ted’s mental health struggles, Nate’s insecurities etc – but quite frankly all I need to say is that this episode gave us Phil Dunster going ‘I am an ugly, ugly boy’ and Billy Harris rapping, and that is all I needed from it, quite frankly.

(Honourable mention to Midnight Train to Royston. Watching it doesn’t make me happy, per say, but that scene between Keeley and Nate was so well-written even if I hid behind a pillow the entire time of watching it. Plus, Bye Bye Bye. Obviously.)

(Top 5 Anything meme!)

yeah it was… formative to say the least. some other fascinating occurrences:

- any swiftie who got ‘big’ (20k+ followers) was bound to get canceled. My favorite example is this guy who was invited to a lover secret session, refused to go because of his struggles with anxiety, decided to turn it into a big moment with a statement on mental health, and got dragged through the mud. anyway his boyfriend I believe (another twitter swiftie) ended up faking a suicide.

- I’m sure you’ve all heard of the girl who refused to join the IDF and went to prison. What people don’t know is how that story ended. Spoiler alert: she also got canceled. She was a light kaylor who bashed Taylor for her capitalist tendencies. She made a joke about Taylor wearing a super expensive coat in her 2019 vogue spread, probably got a bit upset about the ‘community I’m not a part of’ comment, and got mad about Taylor’s Capitol one deal, which I’ll come back to later. So like… normal behavior, right? She had to go private and leave the fandom. Eventually became an army/BTS fan (pun intended). Some people also accused her of lying about her story and not actually being Israeli, even though other fans had literally met her

- Speaking of the Capitol one commercial… That sparked a capitalism vs communism debate that my fourteen-year-old excitingly participated in (just so you can get a sense of how smart the arguments would’ve been)

- constant infighting in gcs that was inevitably aired out for the public at some point and led the swifties in question to just quit twitter

- people would create fake accounts, pretend to be fans of other artists, say something outrageous (usually racist), and get the fandom ‘dragged’

- don’t think for a second that this was limited to fans. scooter braun did this too. he posted screenshots of someone sending him death threats, and while I’m sure he received many, this person had a hedgehog as their profile picture and sole post. scooter himself had previously posted this picture

- someone created a block list of ‘predators,’ aka people who talked to minors at some point or another. got chased off the platform

- obviously, everyone was obsessed with charts. they’d send nudes and foot pictures to convince people to purchase songs. someone posted stolen credit card info.

- speaking of charts… they tried to cancel a guy who made chart predictions by accusing him of soliciting nudes from a minor. he did not, in fact, know this person was a minor. maybe he did, but either way, the minor in question was dumb enough to post a screen recording of their twitter conversation, which featured a sliver of the nude

this is just off the top of my head. so yeah. fourteen-year-olds should stay away from twitter <3

i heard about the scooter braun hedgehog thing and i am, sadly, not surprised by the fake account stuff (in any fandom, although especially unsurprised in this one).

but... wow. this was a ride. i'm FASCINATED.

Hi this month I'm gonna be participating in Whatever-tober, where I draw what I want, as much or little as I want, whenever I want. Y'all can feel free to join too, there's literally no rules; if you get a lot done, great! If you make one really detailed pic you spend all month on instead, awesome! If you didn't draw much or at all due to outside obligations or struggling mental/physical health, still amazing!

This is obviously a joke, but my real point is, art is supposed to be an enjoyable experience, and if you're unable to produce a picture a day for a month, or even finish one picture in a month, you're not doing anything wrong or missing out! Power to the people who can, but also power to us, who don't push ourselves to go beyond our limits or comfort level.

Why Azula Doesn’t Deserve a Redemption Arc

With the Avatar Renaissance, I've seen quite a few people say that Azula deserved a redemption arc. I disagreed, despite her being my 3rd favorite character, and wrote a whole essay about it!

This is strictly about Azula in the show, not the comics!

Avatar: The Last Airbender is not only praised for being one of the greatest children’s cartoons created, but also creating one of the greatest character redemption arcs possibly in animated history.

Prince Zuko started as a bitter child, wanting only to restore his honor and be seen by his father as a valuable member not only to the Fire Nation but to Lord Ozai’s family. He spent years putting his heart and soul into a mission that was meant as a joke to keep him away, but when Prince Zuko actually finds the Avatar, Aang, it’s the first time he has had hope in a long time. That hope, though, was a flame tended by hatred, anger, and fear that he let get the best of him for two seasons of Avatar. And while there are moments in the show where he shows vulnerability and his true colors (see: “Zuko Alone”), his traumatic past overshadows any positive step he could truly take even if he had the best intentions.

It is in the third season where Zuko truly shines, standing up to his father and his sister, an abusive family where he hardly ever feels like he belongs, and joining the Avatar and his friends who he had betrayed so many times to finally do what was right and aligned with his morals instead of his father’s. It is with the love he had gotten from his Uncle Iroh from the beginning, and the compassion of his newfound friends, that he fights his own family for the sake of saving the world only to take his place as crowned king of the Fire Nation.

The reason I go into brief detail of Zuko’s character arc is to explain how fleshed out it makes his character. The questioning of himself, his morals and his motives truly make Zuko human. It makes him relatable, as nearly all true heroes in media try to be. There is an argument to be made that, despite his trauma and his warranted anger, he is not a three dimensional character in the first season of Avatar, but instead an angry child that wants his way no matter what his true motives are. Making Zuko end up on the “good” side was his fleshing out, and making him come full circle made genuine sense for the show.

So if Prince Zuko was able to get a redemption arc, doesn’t that mean his sister Azula, who also went through an immense amount of trauma, would be able to get one too and have it be just as great or make just as much sense?

No. I genuinely believe that giving Azula a redemption arc would not make sense for her character or the show.

Azula, Zuko’s younger sister and only daughter to Firelord Ozai, is seen as, what I believe to be, the secondary villain in Avatar. She was born with a natural talent for firebending, picking it up more easily and far younger than her brother Zuko did. Her personality type was nasty; she was a cunning, manipulative bully with relentless determination that reflected poorly on everyone around her. She commanded the attention of anyone in her presence, took what she thought was rightfully hers, and would not stop until she was the best -- the best being Ozai’s true approval.

In her introductory scene at the end of season 1, Azula does not even speak but it is not hard to see her emotions come through on her face. Beyond the “evil smirk” commonly associated with “bad” or “evil” characters, there is the radiating pleasure of being donned a serious task by her father. By the time you were to finish Avatar, it is clear to see in this 3 second introduction of Azula as a character that she is willing to do anything her father asks of her, thus turning into anything she would do to gain the respect and honor that Zuko also seeks out. It can be argued that, despite Azula receiving praise from her father both in her past and in the show, she never receives the honor that Zuko does.

In season 2, Azula is already cruel to those working for the Royal Family. This is to be expected, as she is only a 14 year old girl with the whole world wrapped around her talented finger, but the confidence and power in her tone as she commandeers a ship cannot be ignored. To have that ability and that intimidation at such a young age shows the complex that Azula develops with each success and conquer, only to end up being her downfall. When she reunites with her childhood “friends”, Ty Lee and Mai, it is through manipulation and fear that she gets them once again on her side (although with Mai and the way she hardly shows her true emotions, it is not as clear). It takes only minutes for Azula to get those on her side, showing the signs of a leader but also of an overlord.

While Azula’s bending powers are far beyond her years, it can be argued that her verbal powers are even stronger. Her confidence, persuasion tactics, and mastery of manipulation can sway anyone from vulnerable children (Zuko when she tried to bring him home as prisoner to her father as a traitor alongside her uncle), to an entire kingdom (not only the Earth Kingdom, but also the Dai Lee that held a leader confident in his abilities to lead the rogue society). As a counter, though, Azula’s verbal skills also lack when seen in season 3 as she tries to play the role of a “normal firebender citizen”.

She is shown at a firebender party having no social skills whatsoever, trying to find others ulterior motives, and overall struggling to fit in. While her traumatic past absolutely had a huge impact on her social skills, on top of being part of a royal family (Zuko shared similar struggles when going to offer to teach Aang firebending), it is interesting to see her confidence falter. In this episode is when we see Azula most vulnerable not only with those her age that she cannot immediately control, but also when she reflects on her mother and being called a “monster”. Those feelings of abandonment after Ursa left the Fire Nation only pushed her beyond her own limits to do anything in her power to keep Ozai’s love no matter how twisted it was

One of the biggest reasons I think that Azula did not deserve a redemption arc is because, much like Zuko, she chose her own path in the very end. If Zuko did not choose to seek out Aang and his friends in season 3, there would be no arc whatsoever. Obviously the writers chose this for him, and I see exactly why they did it. They showed Zuko’s wavering beliefs clearly over the years, despite his anger and his fear of not only change but forever losing his father regardless of how severed their connection had been for years on end. Azula, on the other hand, never showed anything but loyalty to her father and their shared beliefs and cause. There were countless openings for Azula to show some sort of questioning of herself and her beliefs, with the loss of Ty Lee and Mai, her father’s decision to make her the next ruler over the Fire Nation despite his plans as the Phoenix King, and the Agni Kai against Zuko and Katara, but she never did.

The closest she ever got was when her mental state and mental health began to collapse on her coronation day, and even that cannot be justified as questioning herself.

It’s heartbreaking to see the fall of Azula, the pressure put on her practically since birth finally crashing down around her. All the times that she had been called “crazy” by Zuko, Iroh, and others that she saw as disposable pawns finally “coming true”. It is when she begins to lose herself, not question herself, that she becomes such a big threat. While before she was cold and so tightly wound up in her ways, seeing the unraveling of trauma and how it can affect a teen girl whose true motivation was love and acceptance was powerful. The scene of Azula hallucinating her mother in the mirror was the acknowledgement of a lost past, a hopelessness that she could never forgive, and resulted in Azula’s genuine intentions to kill Zuko and Katara once confronted. And instead of stepping down, having enough awareness to see herself in such a deteriorating state, she challenges her brother to an Agni Kai.

Azula is truly gone the moment she steps off the throne. And even after she is defeated, instead of accepting the consequences of her actions or what led her to that point, she breaks down instead, forever sealing the potential of any character arc.

TLDR; So why do I believe that Azula doesn’t deserve a redemption arc?

1) She showed no desire to be redeemed.

2) Azula was already so fleshed out that it would not make sense to redeem her. Her anger, trauma, and actions take her down a road she cannot return from.

3) The fact that Zuko got such a terrific character redemption arc cannot be ignored in the sake of arguing whether Azula deserves one. If every character were to be redeemed, there would be no power behind the redemption. Giving both siblings a redemption arc, despite their (partially) shared traumas, would lessen the importance/meaning of the other’s.

4) Despite my personal belief that Azula is not evil, she is not good either. I believe that giving her a redemption arc would be a cheap shot at wiping clean or attempting to validate all of her past actions in at least some aspect. It would be a disservice to her as a character and invalidate her motivations and what she did to get to every peak she hit in the show.

So I haven’t really been here on Tumblr for quite some time. My mental health was poor before the pandemic, and then I didn’t want to talk about the pandemic, and now here we are, it’s bastard August and I’m still struggling.

I got Spotify. I got the poly account, because there were two options: £10 a month for one account, or £15 a month for SIX accounts. So I got Spotify for me, M, JD and AV. I don’t want to sound like an advert or anything but Spotify has been just about the only good thing for my mental health in the last six months, and if you don’t have it you should probably look into it.

I am still quarantining from most of my partners. Me and M live together, so obviously we have a bubble, and we’ve bubbled with his partner AV now. The rest of my partners are still off limits, physical touch wise, and I feel like my polycule contains every person left in the world doing any social distancing at all (I work in retail. It’s a bad place). Don’t get me wrong, everyone has good reason to keep distance, but it makes my heart hurt.

But I came to share a positive story. So I’ve been really, really struggling. Don’t worry, I’m going to check in with my doctor next week. To try to give myself a small amount of joy, I’ve turned to surprise toys, and it turns out LOL Surprise dolls are my surprise toy of choice. They’re great, okay? They have exceptionally queer fashion choices, you can mix and match their clothes, and quite a lot of them are based on queer fave celebrities. Which brings me to my next point: there’s one that’s based on Elton John. 

I’m going to interrupt myself here just to explain, me and M have a little joke because once when we were wasted, we were listening to an George Michael/Elton John duet, and when Elton came in, for whatever reason M said “there he is”. So now whenever Elton John is anywhere, one of us says “there he is”. 

Back to LOL Surprise. So the series with “Piano King”, the Elton lookalike, is an older series, and he’s the “ultra rare” of the set. They’re also quite expensive. So I had to accept that I wasn’t going to get that one, but when I found a shop that still had some of that series, I thought I’d buy two and just be happy with whatever I got. They’re all pretty cute and the surprise element is most of the fun anyway. So I take them home and immediately go to open one, and... THERE HE IS. 

The moral of this story, my poly and enby friends who are probably baffled as to why this has become a toy collector blog, is that it only feels like the world only has bad surprises round the corner and we’re all just sitting here to find out what disaster 2020 has for us next. In actual fact, the world is random and chaotic, and sometimes good things that are completely unlikely happen too. Maybe some of them are small things, but due to the random chaos nature, some of them will be big things too. And whenever I struggle to remember that, I have Lucky Elton to remind me.

So, I guess I'm starting this to let out my emotions when I feel like nobody is there to listen.

Granted, I highly doubt anybody will read this blog. BUT it's a start, it's anonymous(ish), and it's a way to openly talk about how I feel and my post-divorce emotions.

Is there a limit on text posts? Guess we'll find out.

I think the best way to approach this for today is to work backwards. It will probably be disjointed and nonsensical, but so am I.

Today I feel: Sad. Used. Forgotten. Unloved. Worthless. Empty. A whole host of other words all synonymous to some degree with "melancholy."

Was he right? Will no one ever love me again? Am I hard to love? Do people look at me and see sex-negative epithets written across my forehead?

I'm human. I have needs. After a nearly sexless marriage where the goal was always to please him (because I was just too much work), I went a little crazy. I did the things (and guys) that I should have done in my early 20s. I was making up for lost time, right? I deserved this after being miserable for almost 10 years. I should be allowed to live my life in a way that makes me happy.

And hooooo boy, did I live it up. The first 3 months were INSANE. I'd never felt so wanted. See? Other men DO want me. Other men DON'T care about my scarred past. The choices I made when I was young weren't being thrown in my face as if they made me "less than." In fact, being honest led to some of my best encounters because it was "hot" that I was so open about my experiences.

However, over a year later, the shiny has finally worn off. I've fallen into a comfortable routine. I still enjoy myself, but I'm infinitely more selective now. I have few to whom I entrust my needs and that works fairly well. It holds the loneliness at bay and is mutually beneficial.

But I need more. My body and mind crave intimacy. I crave somebody to talk to at the end of a long day. Someone to hold me when I hurt, and that I can comfort when they struggle. A man that will offer ways to fix my problems, even when I'm only venting. Someone to cook for, and with. My one and only.

I miss inside jokes. I miss the little touches and light laughter that come from being comfortable with one another. I miss the knowing looks from across the grocery store aisle and how we both know we're silently judging the same person.

I'm tired of first dates that go nowhere. I'm tired of being hopeful. I'm tired of feeling awkward when meeting someone for the first time, then being on our "best behavior" while we judge each other's public personas. I'm not the same in private. I'm witty, sarcastic, a bit ditzy, funny, touchy-feely, compassionate, empathetic, kind-hearted and fiercely loyal - but you don't get to see those things on a first date over coffee. All you see are the table manners and polite conversation topics that were drilled into my head as a child.

When I do occasionally find someone in the same boat as myself, searching for a partnership, I realize how many toxic traits I've been trained to think of as "normal." It's not normal to ferociously accuse a man of lying when he has been nothing but upfront and honest, even to his own detriment (especially when your "evidence" is poorly investigated bull that you dug up and made into a story because you thought the whole thing was too good to be true). After 10 years of being treated the same way, it's what I know. That's obviously no excuse, but I didn't even recognize this in myself until it was too late. I'm correcting it now, but I'll never be able to replace the potential that was there. For what it's worth, if you ever read this - I am truly sorry, J. You deserve so much better than what I have to offer.

After a divorce everyone tells you to work on loving yourself. I loved myself enough to leave a bad situation. I've loved myself enough to allow myself to make mistakes and learn from them. I've dated myself for the past year, trying to be cognizant of my mental health and making time for me. I love me. I know now that I am strong. I am capable of doing this on my own. I can survive without a husband to support me. I've learned more about myself in the past 15 months than I knew from the previous 30 years combined. I know me. I love me & who I've become. I am proud to be me.

But I am lonely.

Sunday, March 15 COVID-19 updates: TL;DR this is worse than we thought, people without symptoms can be carriers and infect others, and millions of people’s lives are at risk, but that also means that every act of hygiene + social isolation is both more important and more powerful in flattening the curve and saving lives.

Each source dated; because this situation is changing so quickly, I tried to use sources only from the last few days. (Somewhat, but not entirely, U.S.-centric as I live + am tapped into organizing networks here.)

[id: CNN article headline, March 14: Infected people without symptoms might be driving the spread of coronavirus more than we realized.]

“Several experts interviewed by CNN said while it's unclear exactly what percentage of the transmission in the outbreak is fueled by people who are obviously sick versus those who have no symptoms or very mild symptoms, it's become clear that transmission by people who are asymptomatic or mildly symptomatic is responsible for more transmission than previously thought.

"We now know that asymptomatic transmission likely [plays] an important role in spreading this virus," said Michael Osterholm, director of the Center for Infectious Disease Research and Policy at the University of Minnesota.

Osterholm added that it's "absolutely clear" that asymptomatic infection "surely can fuel a pandemic like this in a way that's going to make it very difficult to control."

+ “Coronavirus is most contagious before and during the first week of symptoms”

In other words, instead of thinking in terms of avoiding getting sick, we need to think in terms of avoiding getting others sick. There’s a real and ever-increasing chance that, without necessarily knowing it, you could be a carrier.

[id: NPR article headline, March 13: Flattening A Pandemic’s Curve: Why Staying Home Now Can Save Lives. Image is of a chart with Number of Cases on the vertical axis and Time Since First Case on the horizontal axis. There’s a straight dotted line labelled Health Care System Capacity running horizontally through the chart. An orange curve labelled Without Protective Measures rises steeply at the beginning of the time axis, showing the number of cases bursting over the Health Care System Capacity line, while a blue curve marked With Protective Measures is spread out over time and and is less steep, staying under the Health Care System Capacity line.]

“As the coronavirus continues to spread in the U.S., more and more businesses are sending employees off to work from home. Public schools are closing, universities are holding classes online, major events are getting canceled, and cultural institutions are shutting their doors. Even Disney World and Disneyland are set to close. The disruption of daily life for many Americans is real and significant — but so are the potential life-saving benefits.

“It's all part of an effort to do what epidemiologists call flattening the curve of the pandemic. The idea is to increase social distancing in order to slow the spread of the virus, so that you don't get a huge spike in the number of people getting sick all at once. If that were to happen, there wouldn't be enough hospital beds or mechanical ventilators for everyone who needs them, and the U.S. hospital system would be overwhelmed. That's already happening in Italy.”

Flattening the curve with hygiene and social distancing isn’t just about the coronavirus. An intensive-care bed is an intensive-care bed, and as people catching a new virus that no one is immune to overwhelm the capacity of the healthcare system, more people are going to die more from all causes--heart attacks, tuberculosis, HIV, the flu, pregnancy complications, injuries from car crashes—because the system won’t have intensive-care capacity for them. Flattening the curve is about keeping coronavirus cases under the dotted line of what the healthcare system--and the rest of our infrastructure--can handle.

[id: Tweet by Don Moynihan @donmoyn (verified), Mar 15: Real-time evidence of flattening the curve. Lodi had the first Covid-19 case in Italy, and implemented a shutdown on Feb 23. Bergamo waited until March 8. Look at the difference. Incredible research by @drjenndowd, @melindacmills & co-authors. Image is a graph of daily total number of positive cases over time in the two cities, with Bergamo’s rising extremely steeply (approaching 1,000 on March 7 and 2,500 on March 13) and Lodi’s leveling off (approaching 1,000 on March 7 but at barely over 1,000 on March 13). Link in tweet. end id.]

[id: Tweet by cuddly but deadly! @HikeoftheMenrys, Mar 12: I keep thinking about South Korea’s Patient 31. South Korea was effectively managing the epidemic, and then one person – Patient 31 – infected over 1,000 people over the course of a few days, and caused a national pandemic in that country. Link to article in tweet. end id.]

People are currently using #ShutItDown to encourage U.S. event/bar/restaurant closures, and #StayTheFHome to encourage social distancing.

Stay The Fuck Home website (has many languages, and a SFW “Stay The F--- Home” option): staythefuckhome.com

[id: Tweet by Andy Slavitt @ASlavitt (verified), Mar 15: COVID-19 March 15Prep update: Every day brings vital new developments and I talked to leading epidemiologists, public health experts about what is happening & coming & what we should be doing. I learned a bunch. 1/ end id.]

Full Twitter thread here—lots of good info, including on the phenomenon of people taking preparation less seriously in a few weeks if the virus takes longer to hit our communities, and an endorsement of #StayHome/#StayTheFHome

[id: Tweet by Amanda Mull @amandamull (verified), Mar 12: i think the impulse for many people is to look at things closing down or events cancelling right now as a sign of doom, but for the most part i think it's cause for optimism—someone in charge of something is taking this seriously, and doing what they can to limit interactions. end id.]

BONUS ROUND: RESOURCES AND STUFF YOU CAN DO TO HELP OTHERS/RESOURCES TO USE IF YOU NEED ‘EM

- Donate to COVID-19 funds, and to the individual fundraisers of people trying to make it through the pandemic.

- Check in with your friends; offer emotional support if you have the capacity to; offer financial help if you have the capacity to. Can you offer to PayPal/Venmo your friends $5, or $20, or the equivalent of their daily or weekly pay so they can take time off? (If it feels awkward, I’ve found a simple acknowledgement “I hope this doesn’t feel awkward, but” can do wonders to allow awkward-feeling conversations to actually happen! I had the capacity to make one of these offers (hint: not the pricey one) to a friend, and he was not remotely offended.)

(And conversely, don’t be hesitant to ask for or accept others’ support! Text/call your friends if you need to talk to someone! In a time of physical isolation, we’ll get through this by staying emotionally connected.)

- Help others find accurate info. Struggling to talk to the older and/or Fox News-watching folks in your life? Buzzfeed has got ya covered.

- There’s organizing by medical schools and other groups to look out for of elderly, isolated and vulnerable people in many communities; check for (or begin) efforts in your own.

- In the U.S. (and UK and other countries, though again I’m only tapped into things here so this part is U.S.-centric, I’m sorry), there is a large population of people who can’t use hygiene or social distancing: people in immigration detention or incarcerated in jails and prisons.

Many people in ICE detention are already sick from medical neglect and hunger strikes, and many people in prisons and jails (which often overlap with ICE detention--there are county jails and other facilities being used as immigration detention centers in every state in the U.S.--are over the age of 60 and are disabled or have serious mental and physical health issues.

Coronavirus inevitable in prison-like US immigration centers, doctors say

Coronavirus: call to release UK immigration centre detainees

Explainer: Prisons And Jails Are Particularly Vulnerable to COVID-19 Outbreaks

Now is a very good time to donate to bail funds, and to look for and support (or begin) national efforts and grassroots efforts in your community to release people from prisons, jails, and immigration detention. “Iran temporarily released 54,000 people from prison in the wake of this global pandemic. The United States must also consider releasing as many people as possible, among other measures, including decreasing the numbers of people being sent into jails and prisons in the first place.” (Slate)

More asks, actions and links to efforts/mutual aid re: incarceration and the pandemic

The Justice Collaborative has a page and the beginnings of a tracker sheet of efforts to help incarcerated people and other vulnerable populations.

[id: Tweet by Kimberly Corban @Kimberly_Corban (verified), Mar 12: All joking aside, for those who are worried about quarantining during #COVID19 in a home where they do not feel safe, live help is available from the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7/365 at @ndvh by chat or by calling their hotline at 1-800-799-7233. end id.]

[id: Tweet by Joanne Starer @JoanneStarer, Mar 9: If you're not plugged into disability twitter, you may not realize that the hoarding of hand sanitizer, wipes, masks is keeping many immunosuppressed people from getting supplies they need. If you have extras, check in with your community to see if anyone could use them. end id.]

[id: Tweet by Clint Smith @ClintSmithIII (verified), Mar 9: A reminder that if public schools shut down, millions of children will lose their access to some of the only meals they receive each day. Food banks will become more important, and I've learned the best way to help is not to donate your spare canned goods, it's to donate money. end id.]

Describing Eyes (without Color)

I saw myself in the mirror tonight. I saw my eyes in the mirror tonight and everything else about them. holy shit. i don’t look good. i’m well used to the red-purple coloring under my eyes and it’s usually limited to around the inner corner of my eye but oh my god it GOT WORSE it’s red/purple/and BLUE now. my under eye circles?? (is this the right word for them??) are turning blue and stretching out to the outer corner of my eyes. (I googled it, originally I said eyebags but that’s not what this) but yeah I have not been sleeping well for my entire life and lately I’ve been up until 3 in the morning AND IT SHOWS

I started this post a week ago and then lost momentum and saved it to draft, but the scary sight of my eye circles has me revisiting this. So here it is, describing eyes without color.

Things that make eyes special:

We will all fall into the habit of over describing the color of a character’s eyes, we will all mention rare gemstones and oceans and skies and chocolate and warm and etc.

To be clear, there’s nothing wrong with mentioning the color of your character’s eyes, but there are a bunch of other cool details you can add into describing eyes that tell more than just color.

Read More about Describing Eyes without Color Below

Details about health, age, and wellbeing

the thin creases at the corners, hints of wrinkles yet to come, years yet to live, but signs of a life well lived and far from over

The purple and red shadows wrapping around tired eyes, this poor person has been working so hard and trying their absolute best and the thing they need most in this world is a full night’s rest

when the skin of their eyelids is so thin and pale you can’t help but see the spiderweb network of purple veins. They look almost frail with eyes like that

the foggy color in the eyes of the elderly, cataracts that build up with time and age

half-open eyelids, eyes that slowly blink and nearly close before snapping open, god they look so tired

dilated pupils from drug use

mismatching pupils after a concussion or head trauma

the whites of the eyes may be read from recently smoking weed

the whites of their eyes are yellow from jaundice or other liver failures

the skin around their eyes is puffy/baggy (other poor health issues)

eyes are shaking/dancing from a condition called nystagmus, which is a condition common with people with vision loss/eye conditions. I don’t have it but Molly Burke does. Here’s a link to a video she made about it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oBB8nIz9FW0

Here’s a basic article of nystagmus to add to it: https://www.allaboutvision.com/conditions/nystagmus.htm

side note I like allaboutvision’s website for a lot of simplified explanation of vision conditions and they were a huge help to me in research about my illness. Look for multiple sources always in your research

Details about emotion in the eyes

eyelashes matted together and damp with tears

irritated, red tear ducts from too much crying and rubbing

smudged makeup from crying

sloppy makeup because they were in a hurry to get out the door (were they late to work and panicking? Were they late to a date and too excited/nervous to check their makeup?)

the wideness and bright eagerness or surprise, waiting for something big, especially in children

eyes squint shut when people laugh or smile widely sometimes. I have a character with a specific smile like this that most other characters don’t have.

Some people can have a sort of dead/empty look in their eyes, something vacant. Lights off, nobody home. Reasons for this might be: drug/alcohol use, disassociation due to mental illness (early/mid/post anxiety attack? flashback? depression? distress?) or due to grief. It could be due to emotional or medical shock. (those two are very different and you should definitely know what medical shock is if you write about anything traumatic happening to your characters, especially when third parties like cops and medical personnel get involved)

People’s eyes could be “dead looking” because they’re at a point of mental exhaustion, such as a dead-end job sucking the life and energy out of them or because they’ve been up too late studying for a test they feel hopeless for

Details about the character themselves

the color of their eye makeup can say so much about a person’s style. Imagine someone in a hospital gown but with dark eyeshadow and dark purple lipstick, that bit of personal style that can’t be erased by the anonymity of a hospital gown

their eyes are obscured from a scratched, smudged pair of glasses that are several years old now. Are the glasses really that old or are they a bit careless with their glasses and accumulate scratches quickly?

their makeup and glasses compliment each other, they wanted to look nice and put in effort

Actions used with the eyes

Characters roll their eyes when they’re amused or finding a joke not funny or are annoyed with another character. Eye rolling can be very expressive

Eyes drift and fix to one spot when someone is daydreaming, rarely moving from that space (in my experience. My and my dad both have been asked about staring by my mom for this)

Some characters are horrible with eye contact and this can involve many reasons. It is common in autistic people, but it’s also pretty common for autistic people to make too much eye contact to compensate/seem normal. (they shouldn’t have to compensate/seem normal/make themselves uncomfortable for social convention, but whatever)

Or someone might have anxiety and in social situations eye contact is bad

They grew up being abused by an adult or authority figure and eye contact could have resulted in angering their abuser, or refusing to give eye contact could have angered their abuser. Think this over with any of your abused characters and decide where they fall in that.

I (sometimes) struggle to make eye contact with people I’m dating or have a crush on, that’s just personal experience but not all of my life experiences can be that unique, really, not that special

Characters who are nervous and/or in dangerous situations will flicker their eyes between different people in the situation, with a higher focus on possible threats

someone might be good at hiding when they jump from surprise or suppress a flinch, but their eye twitches because evolution and the human body can’t stand the idea of their eyes being hurt... (well aren’t you just a defiant shit giving evolution the middle finger, I think to myself, blind and doing ~just fine, thank you~ with your vision impairment/disability... sorry, I just love pointing out the irony)

eyes can stay pinned to someone specific because they’re worried about that person, whether it’s because that other person is obviously injured or ill or mentally/emotionally distressed. 

They might stare/watch that person because they are the true threat in the group. 

It might be because that person is enigmatic and your character can’t quite figure them out. It might be because your character is in love with that other person or has a strong crush on them and wants to see and observe every moment of that person’s life

eyes can be calmly shut during meditation

eyes will twitch behind closed lids during REM sleep (research this too) but your characters won’t likely notice unless they’re looking closely

or what if that person is pretending to be asleep but their eyes aren’t moving like that and someone notices

words words words words words...

Some simple one word explanations for eyes so you can be quick/brief in your descriptions (you don’t need to be super descriptive of everyone’s eyes, just when it matters to your character or plot)

Eyes are-

kind, calm, tired, sleepy, weary, sad, haunting, agonized, lonely, happy, energetic, lively, empty, wrinkled, squinting, suspicious, flickering, flighty, angry, furious, fiery, regretful, tearful, crying, wandering, loving, worried, distant, vacant

I feel I should go back to my “How Observant Are Your Characters” post, because knowing how observant your characters are or what their critical thinking skill to interpret the things they see will help you decide what your characters should notice about a person’s eyes and what they should not notice.

How Observant are Your Characters? https://mimzy-writing-online.tumblr.com/post/185322857894/how-observant-are-your-characters

(It’s occurring to me that it’s getting late ~ha, I’m living up to my blog header of late night writing advice~ and that I should be sleeping if I want any improvement on my over-all sleep deprivation issues (I don’t care about the eye circles as much as the needing sleep to not die or lose my sanity bit) so I’ll end it here

Follow this blog for writing advice, relatable writing posts and memes, as well as updates to A Witch’s Memory, my wip.

Mångata pt.1 | kth

Pairing: Taehyung x reader Genre: College!AU, fluff Warnings: none Words: 2,8k Part: 1

↳ When faced with his final art project for college Taehyung considers himself royally fucked if it weren’t for class mate Yoongi to come up with a rescuing idea. Struggling herself, Y/N can’t help but accept to work together with the just introduced strawberry enthusiast. And it’s just for this one assignment anyway, what could possibly go wrong? ⋆ aka your local broke college students + strangers to lovers trope

“Okay, that’s it. I quit.” Taehyung groans into his hands, covering his face. All this time he knew exactly how important this moment is going to be, but he never expected to be so utterly confused and helpless once he was confronted with it. The final project. The last piece of art to determine his grade, his degree. If he even gets one. At this point right now, he feels like rather giving up than spending another six months trying to figure out a final… something to present at the grand exhibition. Ten minutes ago, he was motivated, ready to tackle this last mission, excited to pack out whatever medium required and start working on his most important piece so far. But that already seems to have been an eternity ago, his mind long gone into the depths of a feeling equivalent to watching paint dry. Glancing around the lecture hall it seems he isn’t the only one questioning the choice of his major at this given moment. As if anyone had a realistic chance of actually escaping this. The topic couldn’t have been worse. Human. What’s that supposed to mean? 

“Human? What’s that supposed to mean?” Next to him a disheveled mop of hair lets out a snorting giggle. A weird sound Taehyung notes, as if it’s supposed to sound unbothered but it sounds more like anxiety laughing. “Whatever it is, our professor definitely is not.” The raspy voice states, clearly not having it. “She really wants us to suffer, huh? Even forcing us to work together with a person… a human.” another undefined sound of displeasure leaving his lips. “I would say it couldn’t get worse, but we have complete freedom regarding nearly everything and there is honestly nothing more constricting than freedom in this situation.” A sharp voice cuts them off of any further conversation. Faced to the blackboard the professor continues her monolog, scribbling down the time schedule everyone is expected to follow suit. The last number mentally already saved as funeral date in Taehyung’s head. “I repeat once again, the overall topic of your project is ‘Human’. Interpret that however you want, you have no restrictions in terms of media, but keep in mind the size of our gallery is limited, and so is your designated space in it.” A few grunts erupt around the boys’ seats, everyone knowing very well that calling the gallery limited is a huge understatement. As if anyone of them would come around with a giant truck loaded with massive pieces for the exhibition when they are still unable to even have the grasp of an idea. Even the sculptors wouldn’t. “Regarding the person we are supposed to work with. Any restrictions?” Taehyung hears his seat neighbor ask, eyes fixed to the front of the room. An evil smirk gracing his professor’s lips, he can almost feel everyone’s heart in the room dropping in to their pants. “Good question Mr. Min. Yes, there are restrictions. You are, of course, not allowed to work with anyone in your class. Your final project is supposed to reflect your own work and inspirations and not end up being a group project. You’re not particularly searching for a partner, I want you to take a person and add them as a human aspect to your work. Again, interpret that as you wish.” The silent grimaces of confusion paint the rows of students as the professor leaves with the promise of an email with more detailed information and a threatful reminder of the set schedule. With a sigh of defeat Taehyung turns his body towards the smaller man next to him “Hyung, what now?” Finally looking up, the other stares right into his eyes, dead serious “We’re fucked.”

 The door opens, the annoying bells chiming at the disturbance. Your cue to put on a smile and look like selling beverages to sleep deprived students at this ungodly hour is the one thing to bring you joy and mental strength. Despite the fact that you are anything but joyful at this given moment. You were just about to start your generic greeting when you spot ashy grey hair sticking out of a blue beanie, catlike eyes gazing through them in a warm hello. “Oh Yoongs, you’re early! How was class? Did I predict your topic right?” you wiggle your eyebrows in expectation, hands already working on the coffee machine as you grab his favorite mug. It was a production mistake, the city skyline somehow printed on the ceramic twice, leaving it unable to sell, so you kept it as your own. Even though it ended up being Yoongi’s favorite once he started to visit you between his classes and you couldn’t bring yourself to deny him that when he looked like a proud puppy holding it in his hands. You get an annoyed scuff as an answer as he peels himself out of his scarf and jacket “I wish. That would have been better.” Surprised you can’t hold back a slight chuckle, answering once the machine in front of you stopped loudly grinding coffee beans. “That would have been better? What could possibly be a topic worse than ‘Developing a prototype to translate text and speech to sign language with bilingual subtitles: a framework’?” “Developing a what?” a third voice suddenly stutters half laughing, obviously taken aback by your statement. Bewildered you turn around to take in the sight of another man standing in the café, one corner of his mouth rising slightly at your expression. Having him next to Yoongi is nearly amusing, while the older is dressed in ripped skinny jeans and his favorite Kendrick hoodie, muffled up in huge scarfs and beanies during the biting winter air (“no I’m not going to wear ‘unripped’ jeans, I’m not a monster”), the taller looks quite the opposite. A dark red flower shirt decorates his broad chest, tucked into wide-legged, black pants which hug his unnecessarily long legs, unfair, in a way that make it look like he is too expensive for clothes. His fluffy black hair frames an unreadable face on one side, while the other half is tucked behind his ear, barely long enough to stay there in place. “Oh Y/N, this is Taehyung. We’re both in arts class with Professor Power Point but he’s one of those motivated kiddos who chose a double major, consider yourself warned.” Yoongi mindlessly gestures his hand through the air, as if that would give the introduction more substance. “Taehyung, this is Y/N. The only reason I actually attend morning classes.” With that he plops down on the armchair, apparently done with his excellent characterization. Confused, Taehyung’s eyes skim from the older to you behind the counter, waiting for further annotation. “What he’s trying to say is that I’m his flat mate and have to drag him out of bed and provide him with free coffee when I’m on shift.” You laugh at his confused façade falling with realization as you turn your attention back to the roaring machine. “Well then double major Taehyung, who I have been warned of, what drink can I get you? Full offense, you don’t look like someone who would drink the same hell-brew like Yoongs does.” The last bit of awkwardness falling off of him Taehyung steps to the counter, taking a quick look at the menu only to end up pouting “Do you have anything with strawberries?” Cute.

A few minutes and tired customers later you join the two boys gathered around the tiny table in the rather hidden corner of the shop, Yoongi’s favorite spot to no one’s surprise. With a grin you place the pastel pink drink in front of a curious Taehyung “Here is your ‘Very Berry Gurt’, hope you like it.” Cautiously he wraps his lips around the straw, obviously suspicious, as you let yourself slouch down on a nearby chair “It used to be the favorite drink of our Yoongurt here.” “Yah, don’t call me that!” the small male retorts at your stupid nickname, swatting his hand in your direction with the weak attempt of hitting you. Bursting out in giggles you can’t stop yourself but continue “He was berry passionate about it, you know.” Yoongi groans out in annoyance, his head falling into his palms, wishing he could morph with the chair as a deep, breathy laughter fills the room. Pleased you take in the sight of Taehyung’s boxy grin as he tries his best not to choke on said drink. “Since when did you plan to set up this joke?” the grey-haired asks while gently hitting the youngers back, judging look on his face. Shrugging your shoulders nonchalantly you sip at your own drink “The second I saw the name.” “How come I never met you before Y/N? Even though I have the feeling I saw you around somewhere.” Taehyung asks once he is able to breath properly again, carefully placing his drink back on the table. Keeping a safe distance in regards of his own health. “My classes are practically on the other end of campus if you are at the arts building, so I’m sure we never ran in to each other there.” You try to think of a possible scenario but nothing comes to mind, knowing for sure Yoongi most definitely didn’t invite him over to your shared flat. That you would remember. Tilting his head to the side his somewhat puppy-like but also fascinatingly intense eyes scan your face, searching for an answer in your contours. Yoongi shifts in his armchair, pulling his knees up to wrap his arms around them, looking more huggable than anything else. “Maybe you recognize her from the photos.” He states, leaving Taehyung even more confused than before. “You remember my last years’ final project? Part of it is still hanging in the gallery if I’m not mistaken.” Slowly nodding the younger seems to vaguely remember what the older is referencing, his mind wrapping around the information. “There were a few pictures with Y/N in them.” “Oh yeah right, I helped you with that project!” you chirm in, remembering the small favor to save him from an existential photographer crisis. Taehyung’s eyes widen, finally envisioning the pieces in his head. You didn’t really think much of being in the background of a few photos if it prevents your best friend from going insane over a potential failed class. But now that you are faced with the situation of someone actually paying enough attention to take in your features, let alone being able to somewhat remember you, leaves a weird taste behind. You can’t help but wonder if there are more people who looked at those pictures, looked at your face, able to recognize it in a crowd. A familiar face but nothing behind it. A familiar stranger. The shrill notification sound of different phones interrupts the moment, the two males starting to frantically fish around in their pockets as if their life depends on it. “Oh god, it’s Professor Power Point with her details mail.” Yoongi states once he found the device before scanning through the text on his screen. Taehyung falls just as silent with a concentrated expression on his face, brows slightly furrowed and his tongue quickly poking out to wet his lips. Somehow it reminds you of Yoshi’s little ‘mlem’ sound. Adorable. Not long after starting to read a desperate rampart of ‘no’s, slowly increasing in volume, leaves Yoongis lips as he continues scrolling. You just raise your brow in question, waiting for him to elucidate his distress. However, all he does is start to whine, gripping his phone as if he would try to strangle it, wishing for it to be something else “What did I ever do to deserve this?”. “In all probability, something terrible.” He shots you a disappointed, judging look at your remark, not even worthy of an eyeroll. “You’re not helping Y/N.” Shifting in your chair you plant yourself in a position that says ‘you can tell me everything’ as Taehyung chimes in, apparently done with reading “What is it, hyung?”. With a sigh the older tugs his phone into the armchair gap and turns to you “Okay, let me summarize quickly so you can understand, Y/N. Our project theme is ‘human’. Yes, I know, stupid, please don’t say anything. Thank you.” You nod slowly, no intention of adding anything. “And our delightful professor had the audacity to force us to work with a partner. A human, hah. But we are not allowed to work with people from our class, even if they have a different major. Which means I can’t work with Taehyung here since he’s in fine arts and photography. So, my brilliant thought was to ask you again, since y’know, you saved my ass with the last project and of all people you should know the best what to do with the topic ‘human’.” At that Taehyung sends you a questioning look but doesn’t dare to interrupt the older as you keep nodding. “However, we are also not allowed to work with people we paired up with before. Aka, I can’t ask you either. Aka, I’m lost.” That said Yoongi looks at both of you with a face that resembles the smiling upside-down emoji horrifyingly accurate. For a few seconds no one is quite sure what to say, staring into their beverages as if the liquid would give them the needed advice. Helpless you turn to the tall male sitting next to you “Do you have any plans on how to find a partner yourself, Taehyung?” A pained smile crosses his features as he ruffles through the hair at the back of his head, fluffy strains floating through his ring accessorized fingers. “I’m was also going to ask my flat mates, but I’m not sure what they’ll say. Especially since I have no concept or idea whatsoever… they might be too busy with their own stuff.” He trails off, obviously unsure about his own words, a wave of anxiousness hitting at the realization this might be harder than initially anticipated. Given the lack of ideas everyone returns to stare at the table in front of them. The drinks still far from illuminating. “Hm, it makes sense to work with someone from my classes though, even if it’s not me. But on the other hand, it also might be a little too literal to pair up with a social major, don’t you think?” you attempt to reason, trying to think of a person who would be willing to accept such a challenge when everyone is busy themselves surviving their own classes. Eyes hovering over Yoongi’s hoodie you suddenly get an idea “I could ask Namjoon from Legal! You know each other, right?” “Legal?” Taehyung asks, even if not the person involved, he can’t hold back his curiosity. “Legal and ethic issues in social work.” You mechanically respond before turning back to Yoongi “He has more business focused classes, but still shares the social ones with me. It’s worth a try.” Relieved you note that his face seems at least a little less anxious at the mention of his former music school acquaintance. Carefully he takes a sip of his hell brew coffee, still hesitant but eventually agreeing to your idea. Interrupted by the aggressive bells announcing a new customer you get up to move back to work with the promise to ask Namjoon in behalf of Yoongi, hopefully saving him once again.

-

“Jimin, please! I’ll even do your laundry for the next month.” Taehyung almost begs into the phone he’s holding on to for dear life. After he left the café with Yoongi, parting their ways, he couldn’t help but dial his best friend’s number in an instant. The fear of having to search for someone who isn’t one of his two flat mates creeping up his spine, now that realization finally hit. The problem of the concept itself long forgotten, all he can think of is persuading the male on the other end of the line to help him out. However, the soft voice coming through the speakers only fuels Taehyung’s desperation “I’m so sorry Tae, but I don’t want to make promises I can’t keep. You know how busy Hobi hyung and I are with the studio and we don’t want to agree on helping you, when we might end up having to bail out.” He can hear the sincerity in the others voice, knowing very well they only mean good and want the best for him. But still – “Well, shit.”

How can you be proud of being Celiac? That’s like me being proud of having my arm ripped off by a shark and gloating about how awesome having one arm is. Being broken isn’t something to proud of. It’s shameful you just need to get over it and eat what people give you people in Africa are starving and here you are complaining about food. Grow up.

Sorry your post just sounded condescending like people aren’t allowed to talk about a normal thing like food because you are triggered by food and don’t seem to understand people are starving in third world countries and you are acting like being a burden to others because of your so called food allergy is a good thing. Get over it and eat what people give you stop being a big baby just eat it the worse that can happen is you get a tummy ache. Unless your allergy is deadly you have no excuse.

Heya friend! It’s great to hear from you and I’m hoping you’re having a spectacular, relaxing day! You’ll be glad to know that my emotional low from last night is over. I got a good night’s rest, woke happy, and am ready to blog about dragons and other non-personal things you may enjoy more! :D 

I also want to say I got your later ask. I’m touched you went and learned more about Celiac, and took the effort of sending me a kindhearted follow-up. I don’t know many people who would do that, so huge kudos, dude. It’s cool between us, friend, and I’m not offended. Thankfully I’ve got a tough hide and it takes a lot more to make me blink. I’m just feeling grateful you came to stop by again.

I hope it’s okay with you if I respond to your original message, though. There’s still a number of things that bother me, which weren’t nullified with your final message, which I would like to respectfully address.

I’m sorry if you or anyone else felt I spoke condescendingly or selfishly. I never wish to make others feel unwelcome. I was hoping to vent my perspective while showing that I care about others’ perspectives on this topic. If my words suggested negativity toward the other party, I did exactly what I didn’t wish or intend to do, didn’t even feel toward them, and I’m sorry for hurting anyone in the process.

What my post was about (for people catching up on this convo)

Last night under a Read More, I wrote a rare train-of-thought venting post. As you might expect on a personal vent post, I was emotionally compromised, obviously unhappy, and talking about my feelings. I talked about what it’s like for me to have a squick on food as a conversation topic.

I discussed how I felt uncomfortable but let everyone socialize, talk, etc. about food in front of me, because I didn’t find it worthwhile to bring up my discomfort and find compromise, and because I wanted to put my friends’ happiness first. In the few times I confided with friends that it bothered me, little changed afterwards. I’d rather stay silent and make people comfortable than worry I’m a social burden by restricting conversations on food, or have people try to cook accommodating dietary restrictions they’re not educated on accommodating. Essentially, I constantly fake friendly and minimize my social impact so others have fun and I’m never seen as a spoilsport or bother.

I said Celiac Disease means it’s hard to partake in trust-forming cultural food rituals (dinner parties, gifting food, religious ceremonies). I said don’t enjoy food related socialization because I feel socially left out and unable to bond in the activities everyone else can bond in. While I’m comfortable with Celiac Disease, proud of being gluten free, I said my challenge comes with interacting in a culture that can’t easily include me because of dietary differences.

I mentioned food’s also an uncomfortable topic because it’s central to ongoing mental illness struggles: I had eating disorder issues in college, and also have chronic difficulties eating properly in my Depression swings. Since food is a battle I’m constantly fighting, I have negative associations with it.

To make things clear: there was no point I said I forced others to comply with my desires and comforts, or believed people should be censored for talking about everyday things they liked. There was no point where I said that I felt like a social burden because of pride in my diet, or that my pride was what made me a social burden. I’m not happy that my squick and food intolerance can infringe on other people’s comforts, especially when I know they want to connect with me relationally and I have to awkwardly decline that goodwill gesture.

Aaaaand now we’re all on the same page!

About Celiac Disease the medical condition

Celiac Disease is an autoimmune disorder where the body responds to gluten like poison. Even small amounts of ongoing cross-contamination can result in permanently damaged small intestines. Long-term effects of ingesting gluten include everything from anemia to infertility to osteoporosis to neurological disorders / brain damage to cancer risks. It’s imperative for Celiacs to eat a strict gluten free diet for health.As an infant, before I got diagnosed and was put on a gluten free diet, I was malnourished, with a distended stomach, losing weight. Before the USA required health insurance companies to accept people with pre-existing conditions, I was denied coverage because I was considered a “high risk” medical liability.

Short-term effects can be nasty. Everyone’s different when they have a one-time exposure incident, but the last time I accidentally ingested gluten, I was vomiting, dry retching, disoriented from extreme vertigo, and reduced to shaking violently, uncontrollably on the floor for 2+ hours. It was so bad I feared I’d somehow ODed on ibuprofen (because it felt similar to ODing… heh, the one time I did accidentally OD myself, it was THE worst I’ve felt physically in my LIFE).That time spent trembling on the floor doesn’t include the diarrhea, bloating, headaches, etc. that followed once I felt comfortable standing and walking again.All that happened because a restaurant didn’t take my order seriously when I carefully specified “gluten free noodles.” Because somebody in the kitchen thought I’m some entitled special snowflake, eh? Funny joke to make the finicky eater eat what they don’t like, huh?

Even for allergies with no long-term health complications, I think it’s bad to hold the burden of social “kindness” on the person being offered food. In a situation where someone offers food to another, it’s socially dispreferred to decline the meal. Depending on culture, it can be seen as extremely rude.But nobody should have to HARM themselves to please a gift giver. That’s what happens when people with food issues accept a food gift. Doesn’t matter that the food’s offered in good faith. Doesn’t matter if it’s only one night of bloating and headaches. I shouldn’t have to stab myself in the hand if someone offers me a sewing needle. I know culturally food’s a big deal, but that’s why we contemporary society needs better education on dietary restrictions, allergens, and intolerances. It’s frankly terrifying that someone is called SELFISH for not wanting to be HURT. There’s polite ways we could thank a person, decline their offer, and show we care about them through other means.

About Celiac Disease, pride, and identity

I’m only “broken” because others say I am.You’re not broken for being unable to digest arsenic. You can still eat healthy, nutritional foods and live a full, productive life. Same with me. It’s just my poison’s gluten. It’s easy to eat balanced meals and get every protein, every chemical, my body needs. My body isn’t breaking down.That’s hardly the same thing as a shark attacking me in some near-death experience. And let’s give sharks love, by the way! More people die from elevators. [source! XD]

Your analogy with the arm worries me, friend. Talking about someone’s disability that derogatorily is ableist. While losing a limb can be traumatic for many and requires enormous, challenging lifestyle changes… calling someone “broken” for one less appendage is regrettably offensive language. 

I think it’s interesting in one sentence you call me “broken” and use the analogy of a near-deadly shark attack… and then in the next sentence downplay my issues as so irrelevant they’re just a “tummy ache.” Which is it, friend? I’m thankful you read up on Celiac and now know it’s more severe than that, but I hope when you run into future instances of even people with “lesser” allergies, you might reconsider how you discuss our everyday diet and food social choices. 

I’m not proud of Celiac Disease because it makes me a finicky eater (contrarily, used to menu limitations, I’ll gratefully eat just about anything safe). People with food intolerances aren’t finicky eaters; they’re people trying to protect their health. What I mean by pride is confidence in my identity and pride for the lifestyle Celiac has given me.

Pride in identity, even about unideal sides of us, I think is healthy. We cripple ourselves if we’re unable to emotionally accept we’re imperfect. And I don’t mean something like “proud of being a jerk.” I mean “proud of getting through life.” Pride in experiencing bad circumstances makes sense. I’m NOT saying my diet is Some Giant Trial, but when people go through trials, we can take pride in that we survived, grew, and matured through pain. Difficulties mold us into better people, so while we might not enjoy suffering, we can take pride in the better person suffering made us be. Honestly, in the areas where I have gone through major shit, I wouldn’t change anything about that past; I’d rather have learned from the pain than be the fool I was before.

Pride in our identity is also about accepting we can be unique people, comfortable differing from the crowd. The reason I’m happy and comfortable is that for me, Celiac is a lifestyle, not a limitation. We define ourselves by how we interact and integrate with culture. Diet is one way we can find lifestyle and comfort. Even if I could magically eat rye tomorrow, I wouldn’t. I never would, because a gluten free diet is ingrained into my cultural, everyday thinking and lifestyle. People can take pride in their family’s Thai cuisine; others can feel happy in something like vegetarianism or gluten-free eating, too. It’s part of my identity. I like that avoiding gluten has allowed me to think critically of my health and diet, be confident in being individual from the crowd, and be conscientious not only in how I consume food products, but how I choose to delegate my time and money. I also feel like it’s taught me how to be more self conscious of what others may need, and to be content with what I can have. It definitely doesn’t make me a perfect person (heh, I suck), but I think it’s taught me valuable things, and I’m proud that I can continue living this lifestyle as part of me.Also I frankly would feel weird as FUCK if I could just walk up and eat something without thinking. That’s… that’s not normal to me. xD I can’t untrain two and a half decades of constantly reading labels, haha!

The morality of focusing on everyday woes

Logical fallacies are unsound arguments which use incorrect reasoning. In other words, if someone uses a logical fallacy, their arguments are useless. The Fallacy of Relative Privation is a logical fallacy that disregards information because more important problems exist elsewhere. It fails to take into account that multiple problems can exist on our radar simultaneously, and that we as humans have a right to handle both serious and simple issues in our lives.As you may see now, your first message did use that fallacy.

I’m no Great Moral Teacher… I’m an idiot human like the rest of us… but I hope it’s not presumptuous of me to consider…The existence of starving, dying children in “third” (and first!) world countries… doesn’t mean I shouldn’t help my neighbor’s child when she gets a sprained ankle. Why would I sit back when she’s injured? We make positive impact when we treat sprains. By contrast, criticisms make zero positive impact. Doing kind deeds, big and little, will ALWAYS make more net good than not doing small kindnesses. Personally, I suspect we can’t provide optimal sympathy and change the world… unless we’re able to acknowledge and handle all manners of struggles. Are we truly a kind person if we tout about Big Political Issues while ignoring every emotion and feeling that makes a human tick? Are we providing the best response to someone who’s lost their home in a hurricane… if we’re not comforting them through that tragedy like they’re an everyday neighbor?I’d probably look like an asshole if a friend who hadn’t eaten all day came to me, said they’d lost their wallet, and asked to borrow five bucks – and I said, “Grow up, there’s starving children in Eritrea.” I don’t have to lend the $5, that’s chill, but telling him his problems are nothing because of starving kids is… well… ridiculous. That’s an ABSURD, out-of-proportion response to something I can easily fix, no fuss.There’s no reason I can’t say, “Sure, pay me back next week,” hand him $5, and then when I get home, make sure I’ve sent my $50 monthly donation to [insert NGO here]. I’d definitely be an asshole friend if every time he wanted to talk to me about things that weren’t optimal (rent, a rude text from his ex, grocery bill prices), I just said, “Grow up, baby, there’s bigger problems.” In life, it’s both relevant for me to pay my bills (a small stress) and consider donating to big causes that’ll stop the Amazon rain forest burnings. We’re able to – and all of us *do* – handle both sets of priorities, the big and the little.So why shouldn’t we go about our lives, looking into not only the “big” things we can do, but taking advantage when we can help people with their everyday discomforts, too?I just wish to say this so that none of us continue using the “someone’s doing worse” argument to discount others’ problems. There’s no reason why we can’t respect everyone’s struggles and help out everywhere. Doing our part to make more people comfortable and content is never in vain.

If anyone get frustrated about someone’s vent post again, I hope we all can remember! If the important things in life are Big Issues like world hunger. Maybe we should find ways to not get prioritize our time, effort, emotions, opinions, and investment prioritizing. On one soon-to-be forgotten post. Out of tens of thousands one blogger made. Out of billions. Of posts. From millions of people. On a website. That is used to share furry porn and loss.jpg memes. XD Heeheehee.

About venting on tumblr

When a person is venting, they’re going through a momentary emotional low. That’s not their normal, everyday personality. Lots of people are humble and controlled when discussing the same topics in better mental states. I know I sounded emotional in that post and focused that post on me; that’s the point of venting, though. Bottling up is unhealthy; occasionally talking out what bothers us is useful emotional processing.Even the greatest people have bad days where what they’ve bottled blows up. Are we not allowed to have occasional bad days where we break down? Are we not allowed to talk about our personal feelings because others don’t have the same problem? Does a one-time venting about one issue for one hour make us lifelong selfish whiners?Heck, if Jesus Christ is allowed a moment where he cusses out a fig tree for not having ripe fruit, and billions of people respect his moral teachings, I think we’re ALL allowed moments where we break down and cry over everyday stress. XD

One fascinating issue with social media, especially tumblr, is that our blogs are personal accounts, but followers treat blogs like consumable content. While Maria’s on tumblr to socialize with friends or talk about fandom, her followers want to be entertained by her “product,” her original posts. Unfortunately, this means many bloggers get condemned for being human. They get criticized for everyday reactions everyday humans experience: venting, having a bad day, or making simple mistakes. But this isn’t a professional account of a celebrity who has PR editing posts for public image; these are social accounts of everyday people experiencing life’s ups and downs, who should be allowed to use their personal blog as they will. They’re not cultivated entertainers; they’re creatures socializing online.

Maybe 1% of my posts are emotional venting. I don’t like venting much on tumblr. 100% of those rare vent posts are placed under read mores with tags that make it clear I’m venting. If any of ya’ll don’t want to experience them, you can choose not to click “Read More”. And you’ll never even see what I’m feeling!

Anyway! I’m all chill now! You guys have a great day, stay awesome, and thanks for thinking about the impacts of allergies, intolerances, eating disorders, and autoimmune diseases! I’m very thankful to the people who talked to me when I was struggling last night, listened to me, and suffered through my emotionality. I’m excited to keep talking about dragons and whatever else comes my way on tumblr! Hope we can have fun talking about these things together!

I’ve been wanting to write about how I feel about The Magicians S4 finale, but I’ve also been waiting a bit because I know a lot of fans are in a lot of pain about it, and since my feelings differ from the majority - well I didn’t wanna intrude right away. 

(This post is obviously gonna have spoilers thru the end of S4) (Also talk of suicidal ideation, euthanasia, heroic sacrifice, and death generally)

For the record, I 100% understand why people are upset, and all of those feelings are perfectly valid. 

I’m not writing this in the hopes of changing anyone’s mind, but only to share my own thoughts and feelings. If there are others who feel similarly, there can be some space and solidarity for that. If there are folks who are hurt but open to seeing another side, possibly this can help in some healing. IDK. 

But also? If you’re still really deep in your feelings about this and might be triggered by a more positive outlook on the ending? Be safe and maybe don’t read on. It’s perfectly okay to just skip this.

For the record, I am queer myself. And also mentally ill. I have had suicidal ideation in the past, although thanks to meds and lots of therapy, that’s not a current danger for me. I have also lost someone to suicide. So know that none of my feelings about this come from an insensitivity or of ignorance of any of those issues.

In fact, I have deep issues with the bury your gay trope. And I have grieved over the loss of main characters in other shows I’ve been deeply invested in. So i get it all, from a personal level. I just connected differently to this one. 

To be fair, Quentin was never my favorite character in The Magicians. I didn’t hate him. I maybe slightly disliked him in the beginning, found him kind of annoying? But he grew on me. 

And his death became very personally and deeply meaningful to me because of how he grew on me, and why his character became more important to me.

Let me back up a little.

As I said, at first Quentin did kind of annoy me. He seemed self-centered in that way that cishet white boys often are (yes I know it turned out he was bi, but we didn’t know that at first). His character was definitely portrayed as someone who was only tuned in to his own suffering, his own hopes and dreams and ambitions, his own story. 

As someone who has lived with chronic depression, I understand that depression can do that to a person. Depression and trauma and chemical imbalances can make you feel like you’re in your own little foggy world of pain and everything that goes wrong is further evidence of your own badness and/or the badness and unfairness of the world for allowing these things to happen. 

We often talk, in treatment, about the selfishness of depression. This can at first feel bewildering because we feel like nothing is about us, because of how awful everything feels. But we come to understand how hyper focused we can be on our own pain. It’s ... really hard. To see past that pain, to see anything good, to relate to the pain of others, to not turn everything into more fuel for the depression fire.

So I get it. I’m not trying to shame Quentin for having felt this way early on. I’m just explaining why he was not an early favorite of mine.

On the other hand, I was very drawn to the other characters - to Eliot and Margo, to Penny and Kady, to Julia and Alice, and eventually to Fen and Josh and Poppy and Marina, etc. I was drawn not just to them individually as characters, but to their relationships and connections to one another. 

And as Quentin’s world began to expand, so did the world of the show. As Quentin started to come out of his depressive funk and to understand the pain of everyone else in his orbit, so did we in the audience get a chance to connect to all of these other wonderful characters.

And Quentin’s entire arc over four seasons was really so much about him learning how to reach beyond himself. He comes to understand that everyone has their own trauma. He comes to learn that he can’t do this alone, and that neither can anyone else. He comes to see that the world is oh so much bigger than himself and his story. He comes to realize, finally, that he is not - in fact - the main character. 

Quentin in season four comes to realize that he’s part of an ensemble cast, and that his loved ones - his dear friends who have been helping him on his way - need him. That while he isn’t going to be the one to be High King of Fillory or to become a God or whatever other course he’s thought might be his - that his part of the story is still important, essential, necessary.

And yes, that includes his death.

And look, I know. I get it. It’s super problematic for one of the few queer characters in the show who also has a history of suicidal thoughts and actions to be the one to sacrifice himself for his friends. 

There is ... a lot to unpack in that. And I’m glad the fans have been taking it apart. I am.

But I personally feel so differently about it. Themes of heroic sacrifice have always meant a lot to me.

As I said, I am no longer suicidal, but I still feel strongly that if the time comes - I want to be able to choose my own death. Now, I don’t live in a fantasy novel or an action adventure movie, so I’m probably not going to get the chance to heroically sacrifice myself for my loved ones. 

But I want it marked down that I would gladly do that if given the chance. Not because I want to die - I love life, I love my life, but I love my friends and family even more. I’ve never been scared of death. I know most people are, on some level. But that’s never been a thing for me. I neither long for death nor fear it’s coming. It’s just part of life to me. 

I sometimes joke that if the zombie apocalypse comes, my loved ones should use me the first time I can be used as bait to save them. 

I make this joke, but I also mean it seriously. Because in any kind of apocalyptic scenario? I’m not gonna last long. I live with a severe chronic illness and without medication, I’m going to be both useless to those I care for and miserable for all of my symptoms and the withdrawal from the meds I take to treat them. 

(This is not to imply that all people with chronic health problems would be useless - many have skills that would be necessary for survival in apocalyptic settings. I just don’t happen to have any of those skills.) 

Come apocalypse time, I won’t be able to walk around or run around or hunt or build things or physically fight people or make clothing or beer or whatever. The absolute best use I could possibly be to my loved ones would be as bait in some kind of trap to allow them to run for their lives and maybe live to see another day. And I’d do that for them, gladly.

In reality, none of that is likely to happen. But I’m still clear that if the time comes, I want to go out on my own terms. I will likely get sicker, with my symptoms more difficult to treat, as time goes on. I know where my limitations are, and have let my friends and family know them as well. If an accident or other illness or injury doesn’t take me out first, if I hit my boundary of what I can live with, I want the choice. I want to be able to leave this life when it feels right for me.

And maybe some people would look at that, and think I’m still depressed and suicidal. But I’m not. I’m happy. I love my life. I’m stable mentally. I’m currently managing my physical shit even when it’s hard. And I’m surrounded by loved ones whose lives are also vitally important to me. As long as I can be of use to them alive - I’m gonna stick around. And be glad of it. But when my time comes - whether by my own choice or not - I’m okay with that, too. 

So, I know Quentin isn’t me. And I know he was still struggling emotionally, quite a lot. I know he got to the afterlife and wasn’t even sure, himself, if his sacrifice was more about heroism or suicide. 

But I feel like I know. I feel like he would have chosen to stay if he felt he could do so and still save all of his friends, and magic, and the world. 

When Penny takes him up to see his friends grieving, I think it’s clear how connected to them he feels. He sees how they loved him, and he knows he loved them, and if he could have chosen to stay - he would have.

But he made a choice. A choice that I found heroic and very profoundly deeply emotionally meaningfully powerfully healing. 

Now, again, even though I came to love and appreciate Quentin, he wasn’t my favorite character in the show. So his loss as far as that goes also isn’t as deep for me. But it’s gonna hurt like hell to watch how his death is affecting everyone else. 

It’s gonna hurt, but it’s also going to mean a lot to me. To see how his choice, his sacrifice, has allowed them to continue on with their lives, with their missions, with their stories.

Quentin was never the main character. He was always only one part of an ensemble cast. An essential, important, necessary part of that ensemble cast, yes. 

But we are still left with so many complex and interesting and diverse characters - so many female characters who are strong and vulnerable in such different ways, and Eliot and Margo’s delightful relationship, and so many more characters facing or coming out of traumas, and so many more fascinating things to explore about magic and how it works and just? So much more.

Quentin will be missed. For sure. But, for me? The show is still very much worth tuning in to. 

T H E B A S I C S Given Name: Elijah Anthony Mitchell Nicknames: Eli Age: He was 26 when he committed suicide. Now he's sort of immortal. Birthday: December 7th Zodiac Sign: Sagittarius Birthplace: Seattle, Washington Current Location: When he was alive he lived in Chicago, Illinois, and he still likes to hang around that area on occasion. But he can easily go anywhere he wants. Speaks: English, Latin, and a passing familiarity with Enochian (enough to use sigils but not enough to speak the language). Technically, he could speak any human language he wants, but he hasn't had a need to. Dominant Hand: Right Education: He dropped out of high school at sixteen, but got his GED when he was eighteen. He really wanted to attend college, but was unable to afford it. Occupation: When he was still human, he was working in a coffee shop, but also traded sex for money on occasion to help pay the bills. He really wanted to save up enough to be able to go back to school and become a teacher, but he was struggling just to make ends meet, so that never became a possibility for him. His current occupation is making deals in exchange for souls or other things that may benefit him. You know, demon stuff. Vehicle: Black 1968 Mercury Cougar. He doesn't technically need a car, but he likes having one-- it makes him feel more human. Pet(s): He used to have a calico cat, which he gave away to a coworker before he killed himself. He still has a secret fondness for animals, but no pets.

A P P E A R A N C E Height: 5'10" Hair: Dark brown, shiny, soft to the touch. Always mussed up and tousled-- let's be real, he has sex hair 24/7. Facial Hair: He has a little bit of facial hair, but it's mostly stubble. Eye Colour: When he was human, his eyes were a very striking, unique gray-blue, and he can still disguise them to look that color. But now his eyes are a deep red color. Skin Tone: Very pale, especially since he mainly goes out at night. Clothing: Maybe they're nude Distinguishing Marks: When he was human, he had a scar just below his ribcage and several smaller scars on his left leg from being shot and also hit with shrapnel during his time in the military. But now he has no scars at all, and no distinctive marks to speak of. Face Claim: Sebastian Stan

H E A L T H Physical Health: I mean, it's not bad. He's kind of just enjoying having a human body again, and he hasn't run into any serious problems. He was able to pull a few strings and get a vessel identical to the body he had in life, and he has taken very good care of it, with the exception of the occasional junk food binge because, come on. He missed eating delicious food, and can you really blame him? Physical Abilities/Limitations: He can teleport anywhere, though he has preferred taking more traditional methods of transit lately. He can possess other humans, but has no desire to do so, since he very much likes the one he has now. Addictions: He used to smoke when he was alive, and he has taken it up again recently because it's such a familiar old habit. He doesn't smoke a ton though, maybe a cigarette or two a day and that's it. Allergies: None. Unless you count holy water, I guess? Mental Health: It's complicated. Obviously, his mental health was not good when he was human-- he suffered from severe anxiety and depression, and eventually ended up taking his own life. Unfortunately, because suicide is considered a mortal sin, his soul was damned, and he was tortured in hell for what felt like an eternity to him. Eventually, his soul was corrupted and he became a demon. He doesn't remember much of his human life-- it's all a blur to him, though memories do come back to him on occasion. His current mental health is obviously not great, with memories of being tortured and of torturing others still fresh in his mind. He's quite the hedonist now, seeking out pleasure wherever he can find it and basically unconcerned with anything else.

H I S T O R Y Job History: He doesn't remember much about his time as a human or what he did for a living. He does kind of remember being in the military-- or at least, the trauma that he experienced-- but beyond that, he doesn't remember his other jobs. Fondest Memories: He has none at this point. All his happy memories were pushed out of his head a long time ago. Worst Experiences: His entire unit being killed when he was in the military, plus he was shot and nearly killed. And then there was the whole, you know, being sent to hell thing. It didn't take long to break him down once he was in hell; he committed suicide wanting to escape his life and escape the pain, so as soon as he realized the pain wasn't going to stop, that was it for him.

C O M M U N I C A T I O N Speech Pace/Style: Before becoming a demon, Eli was very soft-spoken, shy and reserved. He kept to himself for the most part and had a hard time making conversation because he would get so nevous and tongue-tied. That is no longer the case. He now speaks very confidently, not afraid to say what he wants or make demands. Accent: American Favorite Phrases or Words: He has a tendency to (smugly) remind people that "a deal's a deal," if they seem to be contemplating going back on their terms or not holding up their end. Usual Curse Words: He's never been shy with curse words. I mean, he was a military man, and now he's a demon, so yeah.

P E R S O N A L I T Y, M I N D S E T, A N D B E L I E F S Personality Type: As a human, he was an INFJ. Now, he's more of an INTP. Sense of Humor: It's always been pretty dark. He always used to joke about his mental state because it helped him cope, while also allowing him to talk about his feelings without bringing the mood all the way down. That hasn't changed-- he still tends to say disturbing things that he intends to be humorous. Obviously that's not everyone's taste, but he doesn't particularly care. Habits: He used to have a habit of folding his arms across his chest and hunching his shoulders when he was uncomfortable, as if he was trying to make himself smaller. He also had-- and still has-- a habit of drumming his fingers on various surfaces and running his fingers over things like countertops, fabrics, walls, etc. Fears/Phobias: He had a lot of fears before, things he couldn't even name or describe. There was always a general sense of fear and dread in his life that never seemed to go away, until he was with Atti. After coming home from the military, he suffered from severe PTSD and also struggled with agoraphobia, which led to him becoming a bit of a hermit and barely ever leaving his home. As a demon, he still has some fears-- some of that old anxiety is still there, and he is afraid of certain demons he's encountered, always worried about encountering them again. But he is not nearly as terrified of things/life in general as he once was, not now that he's been through literally the worst possible things. Hopes/Desires: He sort of... doesn't have hopes or desires anymore. Or at least, nothing beyond a desire for sex and food and pleasure in general, nothing deeper than that. The only hope he had in his former life was not to be in pain anymore, one way or another, and sadly, that hope was never realized. Self-Esteem: Well, as a human it was pretty terrible. He hated himself, felt he was a burden on everyone he knew, and thought everyone around him would be better off if he was gone. Now his self-esteem is weirdly better? He cares way less about what anyone thinks of him, and only cares about doing what he wants/whatever he feels like. He's definitely not as kind as sweet as he once was, but honestly, he's not as awful as he could be-- he doesn't actively seek to make anyone miserable, he's just selfish and hedonistic. Religion: When he was a human, he wanted to believe in god, or in some higher power that would watch over him. Now he knows that god exists, but he thinks god is a monumental asshole with a sick sense of humor.

R A N D O M Sleeping Position: However is most comfortable in the moment. Usually sprawled out on his stomach. If he had a certain angel to cuddle with, I'm sure Eli would lay practically on top of him~ Boxers or Briefs?: Either, really. Or sometimes neither. Day or Night?: Night for sure. He used to prefer the daytime, but now nighttime feels more welcoming to him. Top or Bottom?: He's always preferred bottom, honestly. But he does like to top on occasion. Partying or Relaxing?: Eli has never been much of a partier. Not even now. He still finds that if he's around too many people for too long, he feels drained afterward and usually ends up with a headache. Relaxing is much more his speed.

R E L A T I O N S H I P S Closest Friend: He used to be friends with Lucas (who was also an angel, unbeknownst to him). He doesn't even remember Lucas now, and he doesn't really have any friends. Relationship History: He only had two relationships before. One during his senior year of high school, with the teacher's assisstant in his English Literature class, which ended when Eli joined the military. And the other being, of course, with Atti, who Eli considered to be the love of his life. He doesn't remember either of them anymore. Sexual Partners: His first boyfriend. A fellow soldier in his unit, who ended up being killed. A one-night stand a few months after he was discharged. And, finally, Atti. Thoughts About Sex: He's always liked sex, but he used to associate it with relationships and love. Now, he only associates it with pleasure and nothing more.

P A R E N T S Name(s): Sawyer and Evelyn Mitchell Occupation(s): His mother was a stay-at-home mom/wife, and his father owned a successful restaurant/bar in Seattle. Quality of Relationship With Their Child: Eli's relationship with his mother was very good, and it was a huge blow to him when she passed away-- Eli was thirteen at the time. His relationship with his father was always more strained. They didn't see eye to eye on most things, but they did love each other. His father was absolutely devastated when Eli killed himself, and never really recovered from it-- he passed away himself just a couple of years later. Living/Deceased: Sadly, they're both dead.

https://ift.tt/3DXcz7F #

Warning: Contains SPOILERS for Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings.

While Marvel’s Phase 4 has been mostly backward-looking for its first outings, in terms of reusing character, Shang-Chi is finally here to change things up. The MCU’s first martial arts fantasy epic is certainly different and unquestionably bold, but does it work, and will Marvel fans take to it as one of the strongest origin stories so far? How does it stand as a new branch for the MCU to nurture in other words?

For the most part, Marvel’s MCU origin stories have been particularly strong. Even ignoring the usual issues with over-emphasis on exposition, comic book movie fans love to see new superheroes take up the mantle. It’s traditionally been in MCU sequels where struggles have been more obvious – apart from Captain America’s seemingly bullet-proof sub-franchise of course. In that respect, Shang-Chi had reason to be confident, even with a vastly different focus to the other MCU kickstarter projects. But at the same time, with the expectations of fans built on 24 movies and billions of dollars, aiming for something different was never going to be completely straightforward. Particularly with the issues presented by the industry at the moment.

Related: Why Shang-Chi’s Avengers Cameo Looks Different From Endgame

Early box office results suggest Shang-Chi is going incredibly well and a 90%+ Rotten Tomatoes review score into opening weekend is always a very good sign. That is a testament to what Simu Liu and director Destin Daniel Cretton have achieved. That said, though, Shang-Chi has some teething issues, even for a movie that is very good overall. In the interest of balance, here’s everything that worked incredibly well in Shang-Chi and the few areas where it perhaps missed the mark.

As with any MCU origin story, there’s a lot of necessary exposition in Shang-Chi. The majority of this is conveyed via flashback, which works, and could have been a little jarring was the narrative importance of the past not been handled well. That typically means there is less space for character, which is often particularly true of a movie with such major fantastical elements and action set-pieces, but not in Shang-Chi. Simu Liu positively radiates charisma, even as he guards his character (to protect his secrets), promising an awful lot more in the MCU’s future. Awkwafina’s Katy is not just the audience’s eyes in Shang-Chi’s world, but she’s also the breakout character (the same way Ratcatcher was in The Suicide Squad and Michael Pena’s Luis was in Ant-Man). The fact that she returns in future, as set up by the end, can only be a good thing. Add to that, the performances of legends like Tony Leung and Michelle Yeoh – not just in combat, but in quieter moments – and it’s a truly great group.

Speaking of Tony Leung, his Wenwu – wrongly named The Mandarin or “The Real Mandarin” throughout the marketing – makes a strong claim to be one of the best human MCU villains alongside Michael B Jordan’s Killmonger. Even faced with being overshadowed by a colossal winged demon in the final act, Leung’s dramatic chops back up his stunning martial arts work to create a bad guy who is not only empathetic but compelling in his cause. He is in pain, haunted by his own part in his wife’s death, and corrupted by the power of the Ten Rings and what lies beyond Ta Lo’s portal. Though he also had a more traditional hunger for power before meeting Shang-Chi’s mother, he puts that one-dimensional motivation aside to be a man pushed to desperate, catastrophic measures by his grief. To contrast that with how Iron Man 3 originally portrayed the supposedly same character is night and day.

While the dynamic between Wenwu, Shang-Chi, and Xialing is great, Shang-Chi is best when it’s examining their personal story. Unfortunately, the shift in gears in the third act that sees them arrive in Ta Lo and face the impending arrival of the Dweller-in-Darkness feels like a similar situation that undermined how good The Avengers was. Suddenly adding the Dweller as the final act “big boss”, plus an army of otherwise unmentioned flying soul sucker drones is very much like Whedon’s use of the Chitauri army to escalate matters for the heroes in his final act back in 2012. That’s not to say there aren’t impressive moments in the battle – and who doesn’t want to see what amounts to the MCU’s first kaiju on kaiju battle? – but there’s not quite enough tension when the personal story is ripped away.

Related: Is Shang-Chi Officially An Avenger Now?

The benefit of adding a martial arts master to the MCU is immediately obvious as soon as Shang-Chi gets into its combat groove. The opening fight sequence on the bus careening down San Francisco’s famous hills is remarkable and it’s far from the best. Elsewhere, Tony Leung, Simu Liu, Andy Le, Fala Chen, Meng’er Zhan, and young Arnold Sun (a revelation as teen Shang-Chi in training flashbacks) all put together gravity-defying martial arts set-pieces that are unlike anything seen in the MCU. So far, the MCU brand of martial arts has looked more like the bruising style of Florian Munteanu’s Razor Fist, but here there’s balletic grace mashed up with the physical drunken boxer humor of Kung Fu Hustle (referenced lovingly not only in a poster in Shang-Chi’s wall, but also in the casting of Yuen Wah as Ta Lo Master Guang Bo. The slow-motion can get a little over-indulgent, but there’s no doubting the obscene skill involved.

Despite the mastery of the fight choreography and the incredible environmental designs that go into Ta Lo in particular, some of Shang-Chi‘s CGI is on a par with the worst moments of Black Panther‘s notorious early trailers. There’s more than one regrettable ragdoll sequence, including part of the otherwise excellent bus fight, and while the Great Protector battling the Dweller-in-Darkness is a fun spectacle, some of it is too muddied by an attempt to presumably hide the heavy effects work involved. The moment that sees Shang-Chi run up the otherworldly beast, in particular, is near-impossible to follow.

The MCU has been accused before of being too focused on shoe-horning humor in to meet the expectations of the lucrative family audience, and even some of the best Marvel movies too have clunking gags in them. Shang-Chi, though, brilliantly balances humor and heart and drama. Awkwafina’s Katy and Sir Ben Kingsley’s return as Trevor Slattery take care of much of the leg work, but Simu Liu’s comic background helps a great deal, though his jokes come less frequently than his “sidekicks”. There’s never any attempt to really undermine heavy, dramatic moments with humor, which is where Marvel stumbles a lot and crucially, Shang-Chi being an insider on his lore means there’s no reductive mockery of the mythology behind his powers and his family.

Shang-Chi is a stand-alone almost to the same degree as a Phase 1 movie, and that’s great, but there are obviously expectations to tie it back to the rest of the MCU, and – as ever – use its end as a stepping stone to what comes next. Had that ended with Wong’s recruitment of Shang-Chi and Katy and the impromptu, hilarious karaoke sessions, that would have been perfectly fine, but then Shang-Chi‘s mid-credits scene goes too far. Captain Marvel and Bruce Banner’s inclusions feel too much like big-name appearances for the sake of familiarity, particularly because both add very little to the discussion on the Ten Rings other than a bemused shrug. They’re there so that Marvel can remind the audience that there’s always something bigger coming, but it didn’t need to be done this way when Wong’s mysterious tease of what he needed Shang-Chi for was satisfying enough.

Related: How Marvel Retconned Its Iron Man 3 Mandarin Controversy

Now that there are 25 MCU movies and a number of Disney+ Marvel shows to throw into the mix, the requirement to do Marvel homework before each release is getting to the point where casual audiences simply will not do it. Luckily, Shang-Chi exists on its own merit strongly and without the crutch of the rest of the franchise, meaning any pre-watching is limited. Yes, there are nods to the post-Endgame world in posters about Snap Anxiety, and Wong and Tim Roth’s Abomination appear, but the only substantial link is to Trevor Slattery’s arc in Iron Man 3, and he is played in such a way that he’s no more than a jester brought along to help Morris become the next most memeable Marvel character. His arc is entirely explained within Shang-Chi anyway, so that serves as all the required reminder. The reason this is such a big plus for Shang-Chi is that it has to be how Marvel moves forward when establishing new MCU IPs, like X-Men, Fantastic Four, Blade, and whoever else comes along: not everything has to be tied to the nostalgia machine. Shang-Chi proves it’s still possible to strike out onto a new branch without everything being a set-up for when the next cameo will happen.

While Tony Leung’s Wenwu is great (particularly in how he retcons Iron Man 3‘s Mandarin mistake), and the fight sequences involving both are hugely entertaining, it’s difficult not to feel that both Razor Fist and – even more so – Death Dealer aren’t rather undernourished. The former’s complexity is as limited as you might expect from someone who drives around in an SUV with his own name spraypainted on the side (even when it’s achingly hinted for about two seconds that he fears for his master’s mental health), and the latter is a plot device killed off for effect. Neither is given anything like the charisma to hide their lack of development and backstory and it’s a real shame. At least Razor Fist’s likely return might afford more of an opportunity.

Not only is Shang-Chi a great stand-alone, but it is fundamentally different from what MCU fans have seen over the past decade. While it has the same hallmarks of familial conflict and daddy issues as lots of previous Marvel movies, it balances that with martial arts, new mysticism, a dragon, a giant kaiju-like demon, and the suggestion that more lands like Wakanda can exist beyond portals to other realms. There can be no accusations of deferring to type or Shang-Chi being somehow formulaic, and after 24 films, that is an impressive thing to be able to state. It also makes forthcoming new creative endeavors – like Eternals – that have a similar burden of expectation to be new and exciting a lot easier to back to succeed with the audience. The start of Phase 4 has looked backward a little more than some may like, but Shang-Chi is bold and unafraid to be wildly different to its stable-mates, and that should give future MCU creators cause for confidence.

Next: Every Upcoming Marvel Movie Release Date (2021 To 2023)

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