Latin Literature Tournament - Round 1
Propaganda under the cut!
Cicero Propaganda:
This is literally the Cicero Website! You're gonna be on Classics Tumblr and not vote for him??
He saved the republic, you know
All kidding aside, he genuinely wrote some of the most marvelous prose in the Latin language
Martial Propaganda:
Dude basically invented the modern epigram
Was a Huge Bitch and could sling trash talk like no other. A funnier motherfucker you will never meet
Additional propaganda from his dear friend Pliny
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Death of a Charioteer
Martial, Epigrams X.53
I am the famous Scorpus, glory of the shout-filled Circus,
Source of your clapping, Rome, and your brief delight;
Envious Lachesis snatched me away at twenty-seven--
Counting my victories, she thought me elderly.
Ille ego sum Scorpus, clamosi gloria Circi,
Plausus, Roma, tui deliciaeque breves,
Invida quem Lachesis raptum trieteride nona,
Dum numerat palmas, credidit esse senem.
Mosaic depicting a charioteer of the albata (White) faction, one of the four factions that dominated Roman chariot racing, with his horse. Artist unknown; 1st half of 3rd cent. CE. From the Villa dei Severi, Baccano; now in the Palazzo Massimo alle Terme, Rome.
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Being a classics major be like *develops a parasocial relationship with someone who died 2000 years ago*
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new favorite martial poem is epigrams 9.63 about a guy whose dick is so good that all the bottoms in town invite him to dinner
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difficilis facilis, iūcundus acerbus es īdem:
nec tēcum possum vīvere, nec sine tē.
unbearable and agreeable, you are both pleasant and bitter in equal measure:
I can neither live with you, nor without you.
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“Thaïda Quintus amat.” “Quam Thaïda?” “Thaïda luscam.”
unum oculum Thaïs non habet, ille duos.
Martial, Epigrams, Book III, VIII
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His name was Reepicheep and he was a gay and martial mouse.
"The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian" - C. S. Lewis
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have a feisty Toad fighter named Chan T. Relle
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Do not fear! I know the original Latin of Octavian's "My dick is more important to me than life itself" poem.
Quod futuit Glaphyran Antonius, hanc mihi poenamFulvia constituit, se quoque uti futuam. Fulviam ego ut futuam? quid si me Manius oret Pedicem, faciam? non puto, si sapiam. "Aut futue, aut pugnemus" ait. Quid, quod mihi vitaCarior est ipsa mentula? Signa canant!
This was actually given to us by Martial, a poet quite notorious for his rather explicit epigrams. Martial attributes it to Octavian.
Here's an English translation of Martial 11.20, where Martial shows us the "six lustful verses." It's definitely a little more vulgar of a translation than the one you had:
Spiteful person, you who read Latin words with a grim attitude, read six lustful verses by Augustus Caesar: "Because Antonius fucks Glaphyra, Fulvia set me this punishment that I should fuck her too. What, me fuck Fulvia? What if Manius begged me to buttfuck him? Would I do it? I think not, if I have any sense. 'Either fuck, or we will do battle,' she says. What if my dick is more important to me than life itself? Let the trumpets sound!" Augustus, you of course absolve my little books, you who know how to speak with Roman plainness.
The fact that this survived because another foul mouthed poet was like "Hey haters, you think my work is filthy, look what Augustus wrote!" makes this so much better. You have made my day.
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武士は戦わんが為に生き、勝たん為戦うものなり。
- Hojo Tokimune
The only reason a warrior is alive is to fight, and the only reason a warrior fights is to win.
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I did an English translation of Poem 104 from Book 11 of Martial's Epigrams. I think it's quite good
it is however rather NSFW (like, smuttily so) and therefore may be found under the cut
"Dear Wife"
Martial 11.104
Honey, it's my way or the highway:
I'm not Curius, Numa, or Tatius.
I like nights that stretch into drinking and fun:
You’ve had your water, you get mopey and can't wait to leave.
You want the dark: I like to play in full view of the lamp
And let its rays illuminate my form.
Cloths and clothes and modest robes cover you:
But a girl can’t get nude enough for me.
I adore hot steamy kisses:
You give me the kind you’d give your grandma in the morning.
You don't deem the deed worthy of moving, or help out by moaning
Or fingering yourself; you fuck like you're preparing wine and incense:
Trojan servants used to start wanking outside the door
Every time Andromache sat on Hector’s cock and rode him,
And even while Ulysses snored, faithful Penelope used to
Always have her hand on her sweet spot.
You won't let me fuck you in the arse: Cornelia let Gracchus,
Julia let Pompey, and didn't Portia let you, too, Brutus?
Before that particular attendant started mixing sweet wine for him
It was Juno who let Jupiter Ganymede her!
If you want respectability, you can be
Lucretia all day: at night I want Lais.
Uxor, vade foras aut moribus utere nostris:
non sum ego nec Curius nec Numa nec Tatius.
Me jucunda juvant tractae per pocula noctes:
tu properas pota surgere tristis aqua.
Tu tenebris gaudes: me ludere teste lucerna
et juvat admissa rumpere luce latus.
Fascia te tunicaeque obscuraque pallia celant:
at mihi nulla satis nuda puella jacet.
basia me capiunt blandas imitata columbas:
tu mihi das aviae qualia mane soles.
Nec motu dignaris opus nec voce juvare
nec digitis, tamquam tura merumque pares:
masturbabantur Phrygii post ostia servi,
Hectoreo quotiens sederat uxor equo,
et quamvis Ithaco stertente pudica solebat
illic Penelope semper habere manum.
Pedicare negas: dabat hoc Cornelia Graccho,
Julia Pompeio, Porcia, Brute, tibi;
dulcia Dardanio nondum miscente ministro
pocula Juno fuit pro Ganymede Jovi.
Si te delectat gravitas, Lucretia toto
sis licet usque die: Laida nocte volo.
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you heard it here folks. god hates farting
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