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#maraduers dialoge
uccmd · 2 years
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james: sirius, you are my brother...
sirius: aw, james! you're my brother too, of course!
james, smiling awkwardly and twirling the wedding ring on his hand: ...brother-in-law, actually.
sirius:
sirius: no fucking way- REGGI!
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uccmd · 2 years
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james: where is regulus?
sirius, bad hearing: who?
james: the love of my life.
sirius: ah, i saw your broomstick in the back yard- wait.
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uccmd · 2 years
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peter: who is your type?
sirius: a man who can carry me!!
remus, smiling: i can carry a whole doe, how hard it can be with you?
peter: and what about you?
regulus: a man who can carry the burden of my problems.
james, smiling: oh you can't even image how many other' problems i can carry!
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uccmd · 2 years
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sirius: i have so much potential! if i try, i'll be the hottest guy in this school!
remus, the walking embodiment of bi panic: can you please not-
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uccmd · 2 years
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james: i must tell you something.
sirius: james, you know you can tell me everything. nothing can change my mind about you.
james: i'm bisexual.
sirius: yo happy for you ma-
james: and i'm dating your brother.
sirius:
james:
sirius:
james: SIRIUS PUT A WAND BACK-
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uccmd · 2 years
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sirius: he-ey, remus, there is something i wanted to tell you for a long time!
remus: and what is it?
sirius: well, i love you...
remus: oh, sirius, i love you too :)
sirius: ...r mom!
sirius: wait- oh. *blushing*
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uccmd · 2 years
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james: how do you think, peter, why sirius doesn't have a girlfriend?
peter: i have no idea, james. i mean, he is a perfect boyfriend material. handsome and smart, sporty guy who has respect for women! what else do they want?
james: hm...maybe it's because he is so tiny?
peter: it's stupid! he deserves someone to love and it's not his fault he is so small!
remus, other hearing: yes, and it's not his fault he is gay as hell.
james:
peter:
remus: maybe it's mine.
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uccmd · 2 years
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peter: can i talk to you about something important?
sirius: what about remus?
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uccmd · 2 years
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james and sirius are watching a movie
james, who wanted to tell sirius about regulus for a long time: um, so...i-i have something to ask you abo-
sirius, interrupting and pointing viciously at the screen: JUST LOOK AT HIM! isn't that the most disgusting thing you have ever seen?! he is dating her younger sister right behind her back! i mean, is it THAT hard to tell the truth? they are damn coworkers! i can't image someone being so stupid and irritating!
james:
sirius: uh never mind, what did you want to ask?
james, sweating: uh-
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uccmd · 2 years
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james: *enters their dorm room*
sirius: hey mate wha- BLESS MY BALLS WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO YOU? YOU ARE ALL WET!!
james, who has just been licked by regulus in his lion form: i fall in the lake.
@archie-ships-jegulus - original idea about reg being a lion
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uccmd · 2 years
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remus: can't you take me seriously?!
sirius, in the middle of a gay crisis calculating the chance that it was an aggressive flirtation disguised by a pun: uGH-
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uccmd · 2 years
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sirius: moony, have you ever thought about why we wear shoes in hogwarts? i mean, isn't this just a huge mansion? our second home? damn it, we are wizards, we can clean our socks as easy and often as we want!
remus: sirius, i love you and appreciate your ideas, but it's 3 in the morning, and if you don't shut up i will make sure what you have the narrowest pair of shoes on your legs in your coffin.
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uccmd · 2 years
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snape: i have no doubt that this disgusting smell comes from the elder black, just like a dirty dog.
james: you damn shitty-
remus, interrupting him in an absolutely calm voice: i can state that the smell of sirius has nothing to do with this.
snape: and in what way? are you finally ready to admit that your awful gay ass makes out with him so often that you've memorized his scent?
remus, who just has an incredible werewolf sense: of course i am. it would be weird not to do this with my boyfriend. but your concern for other men's asses raises other questions for me. i advise you to check your pockets for the presence of rotten chocolate, snivellus.
the whole great hall:
mcgonagall: 10 points to griffindor
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uccmd · 2 years
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remus: how are you still alive?
regulus after 4 hours of sleep, 6 cups of strong coffee with energy drinks and full day of study: i don't know, i didn't plan myself to be by this time.
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uccmd · 2 years
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james: i wonder what they are discussing in their book club? school literature? any scientific publications?
sirius: you are probably right, prongs.
(in the book club)
lily: so, today I found this dirty fanfic with a high rating and a few strange fetishes about a mermaid and a vampire. who wants to hear the details?
remus: oh merlin, this is definitely better than that erotic book about three men and a goblin. tell us everything!
peter: can we then discuss that book with the killer train and the cursed eye?
mary: of course, pete, who doesn't love good frayed nerves and a couple of tear-soaked pages?
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uccmd · 2 years
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sirius: guys! i just found out what girls are going to have a muggle power-point night today!
james: power-what?
remus: power-point. it's a computer presentation with slides on which you can write information.
peter: like... books?
sirius: exactly! we can do the same! i mean, we don't have muggle technologies, but we can use magic!
remus: and what will they be about? do you have any ideas at all?
sirius: nope! but i'm sure it will be fun!
james: oh man i love this idea! let's do this!
later in the night
peter: i want to present to you my presentation "how to properly contain fire daisies: instructions in three steps"!
james: no-o, not again!
sirius: peter! you're already telling us something about plants every day, we're tired! it's lame!
remus: i would like to watch his presentation.
james: you're just as much a flower nerd as he is! no! I'll be the first then!
peter, upset: oh.
remus: don't worry, you can show it to me later.
sirius: and what's your presentation about?
james, proudly: "a collection of the best reactions of professors to our jokes"!
sirius: mate, this is fantastic! how you collected all of them?!
james: you know, some extra time and chocolates to make some people do photos. just my regular job for our good.
remus: and how long it's?
james: 85 slides!
peter: what?! we don't have that much time! can we...can we safe it for the better day? not then we have lesson with professor mcgonagall in the morning!
james: and you have better suggestions?
sirius: well i don't want to brag, but my presentation is only 10 slides and it's about the best food-
peter: food?!
sirius: which can be used in sex.
remus: sirius fucking no. don't traumatised peter!
sirius: oh come on, it's not that bad! or you think your presentation is better? what is it about? top of the hottest guys from your abstruse muggle books?
remus: they are not abstruse! and it's a list of people I would shove these books up their ass!
james: brutal.
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