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manifestoonmoralmanlove · 5 years

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Gormless Chapter 6 – Tunstell’s mildew breath

A well-meaning friend gave me a book series that is hilariously bad. The first book was Souless and my riffs were entitled brainless. This second book is entitled Changless and these riff are then gormless.

I mean to say I have entitled them gormless! Not that my riffs are dumb, and the effort I spend on them stupid since I’m the only one who enjoys them. HAHA!

The story is SUPPOSED TO be about how a badass lady wearing a rad-looking carriage dress hits baddies with her umbrella and bangs her hot werewolf husband. In reality it’s mostly poor attempts at being witty, flirty, and superior.

For the last book check out the brainless tag.

If you want the TL;DR version but want to read these new riffs anyway?

This story is set in supernatural Victorian steampunk England. Alexia is our NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS protag. She is a soulless, which means she’s able to negate the abilities of vampires and werewolves by touching them. She’s recently married a big oaf, named Lord Connel Maccon. He’s the manchild in charge of the supernatural police with a zillion dollars and he’s totes super hot too ok. Their relationship is mostly arguments about how Maccon can’t tell her fucking anything. Alexia has also recently become head of ~Soulless affairs~ in Queen Victoria’s government. She has a dumb friend named Ivy, a gay vampire friend named Akeldama, a family who’s evil because they do the same shit as her but while being blonde, and most importantly Alexia is better than everyone cause…cause.

Last time on Gormless:

There’s some mysterious force that’s turning the Vampires and werewolves into humans. Alexia is in charge of figuring out that deal, and she is doing a bad job at it. Her husband is in charge of the Supernatrual Police (BUR) so he’s going to Scotland about it.

Alexia is also going north to help her husband with a crew crafted for a comedy. and oh boy I can’ts wait.

Gormless Chapter 6 – Tunstell’s mildew breath

Last we left our hero she was toting around her bff Ivy, her evil blonde sister, Ivy’s crush but not fiancé Tunstell, and her maid Angelique. As soon as they get on the dirigible, they are met with Madam LeFoux who’s definitely not up to something, and definitely doesn’t have a strained ex-girlfriends relationship with Angelique. NO WAY!

But like Kudos to LeFoux for leaving her shitty son who just nearly leveled a block of inner-city London on a whim with 1 caretaker who is a ghost who, due to being incorporeal, can’t do shit to stop him from doing it again.

As we all know, Felicity has gotta hit that evil quota and flirts shamelessly with Tunstell just to piss off Ivy. I was about to type, “I’m not sure why Felicity hates Ivy” but then I remembered that Felicity is evil and she doesn’t need a reason har har. Alexia, at one point catches Angelique and LeFoux talking angrily with each other on this one deck, so Alexia tries to listen in. It basically boils down to, “Angelique you need to tell her!” “I know but not right now!” while the both of them romantically touch each other.

Alexia just thinks that they’re probably both spies. Lesbionage is a’ foot!

LeFoux flirts with Alexia some more BLAH BLAH BLAH! Later on, Alexia goes back to her quarters to find that someone tried but failed to break the lock on her bag.

LE GASP!

But before she can come up with a half-baked idea about the culprit being a raccoon, aliens, or this was all occurring in an autistic boy’s snow globe…Ivy staggers in emotionally wounded. We learn that Tunstell has kissed her and Ivy has JUST NOW realized there is conflict here. Alexia advises against Ivy breaking off her engagement in order to be with Tunstell. Ivy points out that Alexia married for love. Allow me to paraphrase Alexia’s responds, “Ehhhh I don’t know if I LOVE him. But I did wanna get dicked.”

REALLY!?

I had to suffer through a book of your petty arguments for you to marry a dude, not because you had a great deal of affection for him, but for his quality erections?!

…..damn what a boss.

(Picture of Alexia wearing huge sungalsses with the text, “Dick or GTFO.”)

So Ivy hees and haws about her uncertainty on the matter. Alexia asks her if she liked kissing him. To which Ivy describes her fated kiss with the love of her life with a single poignant adjective.

Damp

DAMP!?

I was half expecting her to go on to say, “..it was damp, musky, crowded, poorly-lit, with spots of mildew. Oh no wait Tunstell was showing me his basement not kissing me. It’s weird how I mix those two up.”

Fucking hell! I feel like there are way better silly naïve descriptions you can make about kissing.

“It was like I was being fed warm fruit salad….His lips were like honeydew, his tongue like a curious slice of cantaloupe, his teeth unripe blueberries, and his fingers were adventurous spoons.”

If you want to write Ivy without any creativity just maybe, “It was like a hug…but with our faces.”

But Alexia is half-listening to Ivy this entire time and treats this all like an annoyance that she’s above. A part of me related to that, because that’s how I feel about this entire book series. However it’s kinda hypocritical cause Ivy was patient and supportive through all of Alexia’s ramblings on her romantic bullshit. And let’s be frank here, Ivy’s conflict between marrying for love or stability is cliché but it is a complex and serious problem. Last book Alexia was mad that a woman sat next to Maccon at a party, even though Alexia herself purposely moved her seating away from him. So pardon me if I find Ivy’s conflict more interesting than that, you utter dipshit.

This story has that narcissistic writing pattern of, “When it happens to the protag it’s serious, but it’s a joke if something more serious happens to a side character.”

So Ivy cries a bunch and nothing is resolved. NOW IT’S TIME FOR DINNER!

So the dinner looks gross so Alexia gives it to Tunstell to eat. She also needs to join in on the catty chorus of all these women snidely fat and slut shaming women who are neither of those things. LeFoux just kicks back and gays up the place.

Tunstell suddenly gets sick and staggers out onto the deck. LeFoux and Alexia go out to see him. LeFoux makes the shocking discovery…THAT HE HAS BEEN POISONED! DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

Say something nice Faps:

Ivy’s crush vs. fiancé is finally a problem

This story is getting gayer

There was a line where Felicity is like, “Hurmph you big old man impersonator LeFoux you don’t care at all for a woman’s appearance” and LeFoux is like, “NAH BRO I TOTALLY DO!” And that was genuinely clever and it made me smile.

Alexia admitting she’s not sure if she loves her husband, was something I was not expecting. I mean a part of it is probably ye olde tsundere bullshit. However I like the idea that Alexia, even after marriage is not SURE. Love is a process, and things aren’t fixed if you gets hitched. So I like that detail so there.

#gormless #changless #riffing

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mystical-flute · 5 years

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Black Coffee & Pumpkin Pie (Ch. 3)

FFN || Ao3 || Ko-fi?

"Wow Neal, so you helped rescue two kids out of a mine?! Talk about a first day! The only thing that happened on my first day was me nearly dropping Charlotte's order all over the place."

Neal laughed, leaning back in his chair as he held his phone in front of him, his adoptive sister's face on the screen. It was surprisingly empty in this part of the station, which he was thankful for given the topic of conversation. "Well firefighting and waitressing are two different jobs, and it's not like I was the one that went down there. But I'm sure something exciting will happen to you. You're still in the big city, remember?"

"Yeah yeah. Hey, Mama wanted to know if you've met your dad yet."

He shook his head. "No, not yet. I'm just gathering information right now. Seeing what he's all about, you know?"

"You find anything interesting out?"

"Not – "

"Hey! Neal! Where are you?!" Ali's voice suddenly cried out. "We've got a visitor you need to meet!"

Neal grinned a little. "In the library!" he called back, turning to the phone again. "Duty calls. I'll call you later Tiana."

"Talk to you later, Neal!"

Neal ended the FaceTime call with Tiana as Ali burst into the room.

"Come on slowpoke! Who the hell were you talking to all the way over here?" Ali said with a laugh. "Mayor Mills-Hood is here."

"My sister," he said, pausing. "The Mayor? Why is she here?"

"Did you miss the name? Mayor Mills-Hood. She comes to visit all the time when she has a break from work… and besides, she's the sheriff's mother-in-law," Ali said. "I think she brought a pan of her famous lasagna so let's hurry up before it's gone!"

Neal could only blink as Ali dragged him into the dining room.

"Ah! There you are Neal," Captain Hood said. "I'd like to introduce you to Regina Mills-Hood. My wife and the mayor of Storybrooke."

Neal's stomach twisted into an uncomfortable bundle of nerves as he held out his hand. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Madam Mayor."

"And you as well. I just wanted to stop by and thank you for helping to save my grandson from the mines," Regina said, her polite smile dropping into a look of concern. "He's still in the hospital with some lung problems. I'm not sure if it was the smoke from when the tunnel started to collapse or something else but..."

Neal frowned. "I'm so sorry Mayor Mills. I hope he makes a quick recovery." The kid hadn't looked good when they'd pulled him out, and he hated to find out that his suspicion had been right.

Regina nodded a little. "Thank you for your concern Mr. Cassidy. The family truly does appreciate it," Regina let out a small sigh and rubbed at her arm. "My step-daughter hasn't slept all that well. I'm glad she has the support of the school and the community."

She looked around the station again and gave Neal another polite smile. "I won't keep you any longer. The boys here love the lasagna so you'd better hurry and grab a serving. I just wanted to say welcome to Storybrooke."

Neal nodded, letting out a breath when she turned and walked out of the station.

"Well that went better than I thought it would," Ali said, handing him a plate of the steaming lasagna. "You should've seen what happened when Jefferson met Mayor Mills for the first time."

"In my defense, my first time meeting her was at the hospital after we'd put out the fire at the cannery and we had people demanding information. No one warned me that she was the mayor!" Jefferson cut in with a scowl on his face. "It was my first day as well as Victor's so neither of us were prepared for that! We just thought she was a reporter!"

"Sure you did," Ali said with a roll of his eyes.

"Hey! Don't forget, I pulled your ass out of the mine when you were a student," Jefferson scowled.

That got Ali to shut up, and Neal had to hide his laughter behind a cough.

"Anyway… why don't we show you around town? Not that there's much to see but it's the least we could do for a new friend," Jefferson suggested.

"I'd like that. Thanks…" Neal replied with a smile.

The rest of the shift went off without much excitement, and before long, Neal was sandwiched between the two more experienced firefighters, wandering down the streets of Storybrooke.

Ali clapped his arm around Neal's shoulders, pointing at a building in the distance. "That's the animal shelter there. My girlfriend Jasmine works there. She's training to be a vet."

"I'm sure she'll become a great vet," Neal replied awkwardly. He'd only ever had one girlfriend, and it hadn't ended well when he'd caught her cheating the night of prom.

"And what about you, dear Neal? Don't you have a lovely girl or guy back in the Big Easy waiting for you to return?"

Was Jefferson reading his mind? Neal got the distinct feeling that Jefferson was reading his mind. Still, Jefferson and Ali were giving him matching curious, almost puppy dog-like looks, so Neal finally let out a sigh and shook his head.

"No. I'm single. Which is probably for the best, considering the move."

"Ah! Then you'll have plenty of fun in this town!" Jefferson said with a wide grin. "But really, you should find a date to the Fireman's Ball."

Neal furrowed his brow. "The what?"

"No one warned you about that? Honestly, it's like they dropped you in the deep end without any floaties! The Fireman's Ball is the biggest fundraiser for the department. Most of the town usually comes out to party with us. It's in two weeks," Jefferson explained. "The firefighters have the first dance, so everyone has a date."

"That sounds like something out of Harry Potter," Neal said with a slow blink.

"Well, maybe J.K Rowling just stole the idea for the Yule Ball from us."

Ali rolled his eyes. "Yeeeeeah, and I'm Stephen King." He turned to Neal then and gave him a grin. "A date isn't necessary, Neal, but Jefferson is right that most of the town shows up for it. Even if you don't have a date that night you'll be able to find someone to dance with there. But no, we don't get the first dance. Captain Hood and Mayor Mills-Hood do. Jefferson just has this strange habit of trying to play matchmaker for the town."

"Oh." Neal had to admit, he was a bit surprised. Most of the people that he knew that ever tried to play matchmaker were women. "Well I'm sure the Fireman's Ball will be a fun night regardless," he said with a smile.

Ali shrugged. "Truthfully, I think Jasmine enjoys it more than I do. I was never one to like to get dressed up and stuff but Jasmine grew up in that sort of world so she's used to it. I'd rather not have my shirt buttoned all the way up to my neck."

Neal laughed. "That's a fair point."

Ali grinned at him. "Seriously, don't worry about Jefferson. He's harmless. Usually." Ali ducked a playful smack from Jefferson before continuing. "C'mon, why don't we head to Granny's for dinner?"

"Ahh sorry I'd love to, but it's open house at the school and I have to go meet Grace's teachers," Jefferson said, smacking his forehead. "Pricilla and Victor would kill me if I was late. Even if Grace told me she doesn't want us there. I'll see you later."

"Pricilla? Grace?" Neal asked with a small frown as Jefferson wandered off down the street.

Ali nodded. "Pricilla is Jefferson's ex-wife. Grace is their daughter. The three of them have a great relationship so they all do the school stuff together. Even if it embarrasses Grace."

Neal laughed. "Just like any father would, right?"

Ali shrugged as they wandered into the diner and found a booth. "Wouldn't know, really. My dad was kind of… not the greatest guy in the world. He was a thief. Started bringing me up to be the same. One day he found out about the mines and heard that there could be gold or jewels or some bullshit like that down there. He was too big, so I went down. The mine closed in on me, like what happened the day you started here. Jefferson saved me. Took me under his wing. Dad was arrested and he's doing time in the state prison. I haven't seen him since. Frankly, I don't want to."

He stared at the man. "Shit Ali. I'm sorry, that's horrible."

"It's fine. It's in the past now."

Neal scratched the back of his neck before smiling gratefully as the blonde waitress stepped over to their table. Oh, it was the same waitress he'd had the day he'd arrived to town.

"Emma! I'm surprised you're working," Ali said with a small frown. "How's Robert?"

Emma only shrugged. "Spending time in the hospital gets to be a bit much. I can't really stand to be near my mom as she cries so much. Too depressing. At least I have school and work to take my mind off it all." Her face screwed up into one of distress. "You guys know what you want yet?"

"Chicken sandwich. You know how I like it. And a coke." Ali said immediately.

"Uh… I'll take a burger. Medium. With lettuce, tomato and grilled onions… with fries and a lemonade," Neal told her as her pen scribbled along the pad.

Emma nodded, giving them a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. "Sure. I'll get that right out for you guys."

Neal looked at Ali with a small frown as Emma walked over to the kitchen. "So… she's related to the kid we saved?"

"Yeah. Emma's the oldest of the Nolan family. There's three total – Emma, Robert and Eva. Good kids, all of them. When they aren't going down into the mines of course."

He snorted in amusement, and before long, Emma was back with the order, sliding the two plates in front of the men with a polite smile. "There you guys go. Anything else you need?"

Neal looked at the ketchup bottle she'd passed over to him and bit his lip. "Yeah actually, if it isn't too much trouble, I'd like a small side of mayo, if that's alright."

Emma gave him a more genuine smile, a small chuckle and a wink following. "It's not the weirdest thing anyone's ever asked me to get for them. This is no problem. Be right back."

When she returned, he grinned, taking the ketchup and squirting a fair amount of it in with the mayo. "Thanks Emma. Growing up in the Big Easy, you can't have fries without fry sauce." Of course, he knew this wouldn't even remotely compare to Tiana's, but it was better than nothing.

"Huh."

Neal looked up in surprise to find Emma still standing next to him. "Uh… something wrong?"

"No, no, nothing's wrong exactly. It's just… I haven't seen anyone in town mix mayo and ketchup mixed together except for Mr. Gold."

Her words shot through him like a blast of cold water, and he masked his shock with a sip of lemonade before trying to give her a casual shrug. "Well… Mr. Gold has good tastes then. Maybe's visited the Big Easy himself and got a taste for it," he said with a small shrug, busying himself with his fries again. "Thanks again Emma. Gives me a small comfort of New Orleans."

The blonde let out a soft giggle. "Well, you guys enjoy. I'll be back to check on you."

He wasn't sure what to make of this new information about his father at all, but it did give him a small bit of comfort to know that he had something in common with the man.

…And he had to admit, that little giggle Emma let out was pretty damn cute.

Zelena looked up from her book, listening and watching Neal Cassidy carefully. He did fit the basics as to what Baelfire Gold would be now nineteen years after his disappearance, but of course, it was very basic information… but the information about the ketchup-mayo combination could have been something.

It was a speck, but sometimes in the personal investigative business, all she had were specks. Sometimes they panned out, but many times they didn't.

She didn't often go out and do investigations of her own anymore, being a social worker with a handful of investigators of her own meant she was stuck with paperwork most of the time, but with Aiden Gold, it was different. Tumultuous as their relationship was, when it came to a missing child, Zelena Mills had promised to do her best to find him. Especially in the way Milah and Killian had just up and disappeared from the town.

So she observed, sipping at her tea and making small notes in her notebook, until the two firefighters departed, and then, when she knew no one else was looking, Zelena rose from her seat and slid Neal Cassidy's straw into the plastic bag she had on her.

Specks were nice, but if she could get a fire burning, well… that would be even better.

Slipping a tip on her table, Zelena quietly paid for her meal and made her way to her car, dialing a number on her phone as she did so.

"Yes?"

"Walsh my darling. I need a favor."

Walsh let out a heavy sigh on the other end of the line. "Well, that's never a good sign. What is it now?"

"I'm working a case for Aiden Gold."

"An even worse sign."

"It's his son. He's suspicious about the new firefighter."

"Oh? And what do you have cooked up in your head in order to help him, Zelena?"

"I have a straw Mr. Cassidy used. Will that be sufficient to get DNA off of?"

Zelena could hear Walsh's fingers tapping against a desk, the man letting out another sigh. "I'll try the straw, but you know it's easier when it's a lock of hair. But I'll do my best on it."

"I know you will, Walsh."

Ending the call, Zelena slipped her phone into her pocket and drove the short distance to the lab. Sure, it was shady, considering she could have just gone to the forensics lab that the sheriff used, but Walsh got results faster than them, with little red tape. For Zelena, it was better that way.

Especially when one was working for Aiden Gold.

Zelena slipped easily through the halls of the lab, giving Walsh a sly smile. "Hello darling," she said with a smirk. "Thanks for agreeing to see me on such short notice."

"I always make time for you, Zelena," Walsh replied, giving her a weary nod. "For this town's sake, I hope you've got something. The results should be in in about a month."

She bristled. "A month?! Walsh, you know this needs to be done faster than the police!"

"Yeah, I know that Zelena, but the police are kind of breathing down my neck right now so I need to be careful. I know this case is important. I know it involves Gold. But I can't put my life and career at risk like this."

Well, he had her there. Even though she was a private investigator, she was still at the mercy of David Nolan, and even though Robert was in the hospital and he'd be busy, that didn't stop him from making sure she was in line.

"Okay. Just tell me when the results are in," she relented, turning and making her way out of the office with a heavy sigh. She paused when she felt her phone buzz as she got to her car, eyes widening when she saw she had a text from her daughter, Margot. She'd been traveling for so long and Zelena hadn't seen her in months. Her heart thundered against her chest as she opened the text anxiously.

Hey Mom. I'm home.

#swanfire #fanfiction #ouat #once upon a time #emma swan #neal cassidy #black coffee and pumpkin pie

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village-skeptic · 6 years

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I’m worried about FP, you guys

...or at least I would be, if this show made any goddamn sense.

My attempts to untangle the half-assed macrame of S2, including musings on the possible identit(ies) of the Black Hood(s), and other possibly-spoilery predictions and reflections, below the cut...

The question is - who are the Black Hood(s) and what do they actually want?

For a long time now, I have been saying that the Lodges HAVE to be involved with the Black Hood situation, whether it’s as the original perpetrators, or hopping on the bandwagon of opportunism in order to elevate people’s desire for “law and order.” The resulting consolidation of power would of course place Hermione in the mayor’s office, their pet sheriff holding the reins of local law enforcement, and Hiram calling the shots economically, as the CEO of the local manifestation of the for-profit prison-industrial complex.

The most recent Black Hood appearance at the debate serves these aims, as does the first Black Hood attempted murder - offing Fred Andrews was both the satisfaction of a personal grudge and also good business sense. Now that Fred is a political opponent of the Lodges, he continues to be an obvious target - hence the “you’re next, sinner!” note.

I can’t quite explain why the Lodges would want to off Midge (2x!), Moose, Grundy, or Svenson other than as simple crimes of opportunity in line with the “sinners” (law and order) theme. If Cheryl ends up as a Black Hood target (as the last ep’s cliffhanger would suggest), it could be a power play related to whatever twisted history exists between the Blossoms and the Lodges. Consider the payments from Hiram to Clifford that Veronica unearthed last season, as well as Claudius’s inchoate hatred of the Blossoms.

Here’s the thing: unless he’s actually complicit in their plans, FP would seem to be an OBVIOUS target for a Lodge-connected Black Hood hit. It’s definitely in their best interests to destabilize the power structure of the Serpents - not to mention the fact that FP talking about how Hiram paid him off to drive down the price of the drive-in land is a messy little loose end. Finally, given how personal the enmity between Hiram and Jughead has become (a pause, as we all consider the amount of emotional energy that Hiram expends on the local teenage boys) - knocking off FP just seems like an obvious move to make.

Now, obviously Hiram isn’t the trigger man in this situation. While a nameless capo could be on Black Hood duty, a Lodge alliance with a dissident Serpent-Ghoulie faction headed by Penny and the tall, green-eyed Tall Boy also makes a LOT of sense. With the Lodges controlling law enforcement and civil government, the Serpent-Ghoulies get free rein to run drugs, guns, pancake mix, and whatever eldritch horrors they’re trafficking out there to Greendale - and Hiram gets a cut of the profits.

In this case: FP becomes AN EVEN MORE OBVIOUS TARGET for a Black Hood hit. @stillscape‘s recent (and amazing) post about Hiram Lodge expanding into predatory student loans reminded me that we still don’t know WHAT the source of the beef between FP and Penny is.

(Until we are informed otherwise, I am assuming that FP destroyed Penny’s credit rating by forgetting to pay her law school loans. And - to be perfectly clear - I WILL PERISH if we do not eventually find out why Penny hates him.) Point being - Penny has ample strategic and personal reason to want FP dead - and that was BEFORE her mutilation and banishment. We know that she’s back this week with an army of Ghoulies and ready to riot. Why would she NOT take the chance to settle this old score?

Now. Paparazzi spoilers and recent plot points suggest that Hal Cooper is the Black Hood. Unless Hal’s working with the Lodges - and that is a possibility, given his willingness to sell the paper and puff Hermione’s campaign - the sudden revelation that he is, in fact, obsessed with “sinners” seems like suuuuuuch a bunch of bullshit. Why this specific collection of “sinners?” Why his next-door neighbor and high school classmate Fred, a pervy music teacher, and two teenagers indulging in the exact same kind of experimentation with sex and drugs that the rest of their classmates have? Given the family connection, I suppose Svenson is at least mildly understandable; and of course Hal’s pissed at Cheryl for breaking up his thing with Penelope. How a serial killer obsessed with sin maintained a romance with an actual madam is an other question entirely - maybe he was playing the long game there?

But if he was going to fixate on sinners - why not the guy who dumped Jason Blossom’s body this season, knocked up Hal’s girlfriend in high school and then schtupped his now-wife again like two weeks ago? How is FP not at the ABSOLUTE TOP of Black Hood!Hal’s list?

About the last possible Black Hood candidate that we know of for sure is Claudius Blossom. We know he and Penelope have a plan to knock off Nana and Cheryl, so they’re certainly capable of murder. Much like his character motivations, Claudius’s whereabouts are unaccounted for before his surprise appearance, so sure, why not, he could be the Black Hood. Does explain the appearance at Cheryl’s door; doesn’t explain the fixation on Betty AT ALL, but fine, whatever. Claudius has no reason to want FP dead, as far as I know, but Claudius has no canonical reason for wanting ANYTHING. RAS and the writers’ room lighting upon “deus ex Claudius” for no reason other than the sheer hilarious of having Barclay be the murderer twice in a row honestly would not surprise me for a hot second.

Then again - nor would I be surprised by the choice to introduce Claudius simply to lay the groundwork for Hal Cooper’s evil twin, who was JUST RELEASED from the insane asylum to which he had been sent away when they were very small, and who will have successfully managed to frame his brother for these murders - setting up the NEW sleuthing plot of clearing Hal’s name for S3.

Back to FP though.

We’ve got these comments from the actors about how “this season’s finale is just the same as last season’s” and that we finally recognize “a chess game that someone’s been losing very badly.” With FP in the Fred role and Penny making her move for revenge - that just FEELS right, doesn’t it? Plus, he’s been turning over a new leaf and making things right with Jughead. What better time, narratively speaking, for Penny (or Hiram, or Hal, or Claudius, or Hal’s evil twin Mal) to cap him and amp up the drama?

Now that I’ve said this, of course - FP HIMSELF will probably turn out to be the Black Hood, at which point I WILL PERSONALLY put a brick through a window and a pint of bourbon into my milkshake.

#riverdale #riverdale predictions #fp jones #the black hood #hiram lodge #penny peabody #the south side serpents #hal cooper #claudius blossom #hal cooper's evil twin mal cooper #but...it's riverdale jake

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petescholtes-blog-blog · 6 years

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Best TV of the Trump Era

My Top 30 television shows of the past year and a half:

Halt and Catch Fire Family is the love you have when dreams die, and where new ones grow.

Game of Thrones The belief that people can change pitted against the end of the story.

Stranger Things 2 Like every '80s sleepover movie ever melded into one primer on how to be a person—friend, babysitter, parent, pet owner.

GLOW Pro wrestling "let's put on a show" as feminist revolution, with Marc Maron finding his perfect Judy Garland in Alison Brie, who plays like Shelley Long fronting a punk band.

Schitt's Creek Where to begin to understand young people.

The Handmaid's Tale Dystopia as a way of clarifying where things are going.

Better Call Saul Visual storytelling from a stranded past.

The Night Of... Dread leavened by a love of sound design, human connection, and the Bill of Rights.

Conan (Conan in Haiti, Conan in Israel specials) I Love You, America (With Sarah Silverman) Love is funnier and more subversive than derision.

Star Trek: Discovery Madam Secretary The Tick Heroes for our times.

Black Mirror Dystopia as a way of clarifying where things are.

The Deuce American Crime Story: The People v. O.J. Simpson History told in the close-up of relationships.

Veep Curb Your Enthusiasm The smallness of Seinfeld made radical, humane, vulgar, and sex-positive.

For the People Surprisingly witty, sexy, and principled district court procedural, deeper than its powdered surface.

The Walking Dead Get busy living. (Would be higher if not for losing its conviction at the end of Season 7.)

Orange Is the New Black TV's racial awakening keeps getting deeper.

The Looming Tower Evil is made, not born.

Breaking the News on KARE 11 For once, an actual liberal media, but one that gives breathing space to viewer disagreement.

Maria Bamford: Old Baby Maron Lifelong learners.

Victoria The frivolity you expect with the significance you don't.

Love You More Master of None Love Insecure Romantic comedy living down its past.

Easy to lose your bearings in this era (honorable mentions): Westworld (Dystopia as a way of clarifying how we got here.) The Crossing (The present as utopia compared to a preventable future.) Barry (Empathy for narcissism as sweet as Bill Hader’s voice.) Lady Dynamite (Drop-off in second season as hard to explain as the brilliance of the first.) Mindhunter (Psychologists and researchers as heroes. If only it were about something other than serial killers!) The Joel McHale Show (A shattered nation longs to care about stupid bullshit again.) Young Sheldon (Probably a sign of progress. For watching with my mother-in-law.) The Opposition with Jordan Klepper (Know your enemy as well as love them.) Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (Doesn’t quite have the visuals to match its songs, or the tunes to match its lyrics, but what lyrics!) Difficult People (Lots of laughs, not quite a rhythm, but the surreal political nightmare that kept peaking through was classic.) Portlandia Saturday Night Live (Great satire of Trump, or anything else, would require not sharing his extrinsic values—obsession with looks, success, intelligence, popularity, competition, etc.—which SNL increasingly has since David S. Pumpkins, while remaining as forward-looking on race and sexuality.) Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (See above.) The Daily Show with Trevor Noah (See above.) Sherlock Bojack Horseman (Lost me when it went underwater.) The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (Deeper and less explicable drop-off than Lady Dynamite.) Daredevil (First season.) Luke Cage (Early episodes.)

Comfort in reruns (or just memories and recommendations): The IT Crowd In Treatment (John Mahoney R.I.P.) Show Me a Hero Inside Amy Schumer Moone Boy Friday Night Lights Last Tango in Halifax The Sopranos Parenthood The Muppets Girls Homeland w/ Bob and David Arrested Development Hell on Wheels Death in Paradise The Wire

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