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noodyl-blasstal · 7 months

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We Got Boned!

I got brainworms from @taakosleftshoe's post this morning and now we're here!

Lup's upset about Lord Artemis Sterling paying his way into a permit to acquire some human remains he definitely shouldn't be using as a jigsaw puzzle in his stupid rich people museum. But it's okay, they're gonna write a book about it.

Read below or on Ao3

"I've been thinking."

"About the bones?"

"About the bones."

"I don't like it…" There's a pause. "The bones that is, not the thinking."

Lup appreciates that Barry doesn't ask the usual questions the, "is this because of the… you know?" Followed by a vague gesture which she guesses is supposed to somehow encapsulate the 9 and a bit years spent cradled in her own corpse's hands as the meat sack she lived in decayed.

"I think we can do something about it."

Barry sets his book down. "I'm listening."

"We're writing a book."

"Oooh, that ticks off some of the research requirements at work too."

"See, chagirl's not just the hottest elf you ever met."

"No, you're also the smartest and the bravest and the kindest…" He says it with such fondness, eyes crinkling at the sides, the lines by his mouth falling into place as he smiles. She's glad she got to add to those laugh lines before they gave up on the whole ageing schtick.

"Damn straight."

"...and the second best chef."

Barry's ducking even as she swings herself round to grab a cushion to throw.

"So, we're writing a book." He says evenly as the first pillow bonks off his back.

"About bones." Lup says cheerfully as she flings the next one.

"In general?" Barry asks as it baps harmlessly into his unguarded ear.

"About being bones."

"Oh. Oh that's good!" Barry looks up just in time to get a face full of the squishy fire patterned pillow.

Lup decides that’s enough violence. “It is, right?”

“An autoethnography of bones. No one’s done it before.”

“They sure haven’t."

“Have you got a name?”

“Not yet, I thought maybe you might have a sugg…” Lup’s not even done by

“We got boned!” Barry’s positively gleeful.

“Taako’s going to hate it. It’s perfect.”

–

"I love the way you wove your narrative in with Hodge's theory." Barry looks so proud, she fizzes from the inside out. She found someone who’d read what she wrote, who’d appreciate it.

"Thanks! This chapter about the rituals of death juxtaposed with the time I carved your leg bone is brilliant." She loved reading Barry’s work, he always found interesting ways to guide the reader to conclusions so naturally they’d believe they thought of it.

"You're only saying that because carving a ring out of your dead husband's thigh bone is, and I quote, “fucking rad” and you're glad people are going to know about it."

Lup admires the ring on her finger. "It's also very well written. Stuff can be two things."

"Stuff can be two things." Barry nods in agreement.

Lup reaches out to touch her hand to his.

It was fun to research together again. There were opportunities at the university, sure, but this was different. This was late nights and ad hoc meals, it was falling asleep on the sofa nose in a book, mussed up Barry waking her gently and leading her to bed so they didn't wake up with bad backs. It was exciting, being on the edge of discovery again, being part of the science of it. They lived it, maybe it could make a difference. And if not, the heist would.

Shit! The heist.

"Hey Bear. Did I ever mention why I wanted to write this?"

"Education of the masses?"

"Sure. Yeah. That. But also…"

"Lup?" Barry's doing the fake frowny face, if she waits too long he'll start laughing.

"There might be a teeeeensy heist."

Barry raises his eyebrows and blinks slowly at her.

"Just a little one, honest."

Barry waits, because he's glorious, he's perfect, he's always game for good reasons crime.

"I'm in."

"You don't have questions?"

"Not really." Barry looks thoughtfully down at her, hand still idly stroking her back. "I assume you have the how and I already know the why."

"It’s just a tiny backwards Indiana Jones."

"We're gonna steal the artefacts out of the museum."

"We're save the life-challenged people from the basement."

Barry snorts at that one, exactly like she hoped he would.

"So the book was for the book launch?" Barry asks. Smart man, excellent man.

"Where else would we hold it?"

"Can't think of a better location.” Barry says, nodding.

"Taako's doing the artefact levitation, Magnus is muscle, Merle’s on healing duty, and Krav's there to ensure they're actually gentle."

"You thought of everything." Barry says, and kisses her fondly on the cheek.

–

"So, I forgot about the security." Lup announces to the table.

"Mmhm." Says Kravitz, lips already pulled tight in disapproval. "Have you considered maybe not doing a crime and writing to ask them to release the remains instead? Maybe a petitio…"

Taako drowns him out with a loud raspberry. "You're embarrassing me, Bones. If you don't wanna come it's fine, just means Magnus and I can be faster with the dead dude jigsaws." Taako winks at Lup as Kravitz's eyes widen in alarm.

"No wait, crime's good, I love crime actually. I just forgot."

"Is it even really a crime if he was only allowed to exhume the bodies from the black glass because he bought the permit for it?" Barry asks.

"Yes." Says Kravitz too fast, then winces in pain as Taako definitely kicks him in the shin. "But, er, actuall… oh fuck it. You know what, yes, it's a crime, but I think the Raven queen will approve of this one."

"I'm also slightly concerned about the legality, Dr Lup."

"Who brought the baby?" Taako rolls his eyes.

"Why you did, Sir, remember, I live at your house, you drove Mr Kravitz and I here, you made me the bag of car snacks, remember?"

"It's our house, Agnes, we've talked about this, and we also talked about being cool." Taako hisses.

Lup snorts loudly. "You don't have to be involved, Angus, it's okay."

"Thank you very much Dr Lup, but I think that I might be able to help with the security. There's only two of them, I went to check yesterday, and I think they'd both find a distressed little boy very difficult to cope with."

"The perfect role for Merle!" Magnus says brightly. "He's the right height."

"I thought I might do it, Sir." Says Angus before Merle can reply. "I have…" Angus starts to sniffle. "I have been so looking… forward to a… a chance to act… you see… but if you think Merle would… be a better choice..." Tears leak down his cheeks and he looks so utterly forlorn that Lup's halfway to scooping him into a hug when he smiles. "Acting! See! I'm perfect for the role."

"And the moral conundrum you were wrestling with mere seconds ago?" Kravitz cocks an eyebrow.

"I just thought it'd be funny if Mr Taako thought he was living with two squares, Sir." Angus smiles brightly enough to get away with it.

"So if I'm not the kid, what am I doing?" Merle asks.

"You're our medic. Anyone gets knocked down, you make sure they get up again." Lup replies.

"They're never gonna keep us down." Deadpans Lucretia.

There’s a booming “HA!” from Magnus in recognition.

"Davenport, do you need anything?" Lup already knows the answer. Davenport's already prepared, Davenport was ready for this heist before Artemis Sterling took the bones for his stupid rich person museum.

"No thank you, Lup. I have the plans, the van, and the magnetic signs are ready to go. I thought a cat salon would work well."

Perfect.

"What do we do with them once we've got them?" Lucretia asks.

Lup's got this covered. "Where would they least expect?"

"Back in the basement!" Magnus yells immediately.

"Nope."

"My greenhouse!"

Taako grimaces at the thought. "We don't know if they were over 18, there's no way they're allowed to spend time in the cesspit of sin."

Angus thrusts his hand into the air, bouncing in his seat. Lup cannot believe they raised such a nerd. He's perfect.

"Ango?"

"Where they came from, Dr Lup." He grins, proud of himself. She's proud too.

"Right! What idiot's gonna steal something and put it back where it came from?"

"These idiots!" They chant in unison.

–

The thing about being one of the saviours of the universe and having your lives pumped into everyone’s heads is that no one can dispute it when you write a book about what it’s like to die. They know about every single time already. The falling, The Sword Cupboard Incident, the going-out-in-a-blaze-of-glory, the stabbed in the back and trapped for a decade. No publisher was going to say no, especially not when they realised it wasn’t a hinky memoir - there was no point in that. Everyone already knew. What they didn’t know though, was how to be science, but Lup and Barry? They breathed it.

It turns out that when you’re the saviours of the universe it’s easy to pick where you launch your book, you’re fighting the offers off. When you’re the saviours of the universe you can even get a guided tour in advance, you can bring 5 of your closest friends, and the world’s greatest detective, and no one questions it. Lord Artemis Sterling will give you the tour himself, let you know exactly how little he thinks of the people he stole, reinforce exactly why you’re definitely not planning on stealing any of his collection - cross your heart and hope to die.

When you’re the saviours of the universe no one can tell you that you can’t wear big stompy boots with a cocktail dress for your book launch, or that a denim suit isn’t “fitting” for the occasion. Lup has checked thoroughly, actually, and it’s fitting Barry very well if she does say so herself.

When you’re the saviours of the universe people who don’t give a shit about your book will show up for the launch just to put a sight on you. Just to say they saw the lover and one of the twins, they’ll hope to see the others. They won’t, of course. Apart from Lucreita. The lonely press release writer, noting down the events of the evening for posterity.

When you’re the saviours of the universe, you can get away with a lot.

–

The sound of metal pinging against ‘the nice glassware’ sets Lup’s teeth on edge. Being adored is great and all, but couldn’t it be quieter?

Chants of “speech!” chorus around the room, so she and Barry nod at each other, he pulls the cards they prepared from his inside pocket, and they walk slowly to the podium. Angus smiles beautifically up at her as she passes, this is his cue, she already knows he’s going to shine.

“HELLO NEVERWINTER! ARE YOU READY TO ROCK AND ROLL?” Lup yells into the mic, covering the wailing sound of Angus’ performance beginning as the door swings shut behind him. The audience looks at one another, there’s a single cough.

“I said, ARE YOU READY TO ROCK AND ROLL?” Lup repeats, revelling in the sea of horrified faces in front of her. She throws in a high kick, you know, just because. It’s important to keep all eyes on them and a boring speech is not going to cut it.

“Yes!” Lucretia shouts from a distant corner of the crowd.

“I suppose we could?” Someone else says.

“Great, that’s the kind of energy we love and were hoping for.” Barry says, adopting his very best patient teacher smile.

A small “woo!” comes from somewhere in the mass of people.

“Maybe we’re ready for just the rocking no rolling, Lup?”

“Well, we can certainly show you a medium good time this evening.” Lup smiles and nods at the smattering of polite laughter. The crowd seems slightly relieved she’s turned the energy down, more fool them.

“Have any of you ever been bones?” Barry asks the crowd.

“Yes!” Lup snorts loudly at Lucretia’s interjection.

“How was it?” Lup asks.

“Bad!” Lucretia shouts back. “I was dead.”

“You sure were! And did that mean you wanted just anyone to take your bones and do all sorts of bullshit with them?”

“No!” Lucretia replies, giving Lup an encouraging thumbs up.

“No.” Repeats Barry, solemnly. “And that’s how Lup and I feel too. Every bone, you see, has a story.”

“So when we got boned, it was hard.” Lup says.

“Really hard.” Barry adds, trying very hard to keep his face straight.

Lup notices his mouth twitching and decides to go for broke. “There’s no need to boast Barold.” She whispers, nudging him. He turns a delightful shade of pink. “But what felt best…” Lup says, talking into the mic again. “... was when I was treated with respect. There’s nothing like your own brother stealing your stuff and cheesing it to make you feel like an object, not a person, even though it definitely wasn’t his fault because he couldn’t remember you.”

There’s a loud “Ha!” From a man in the front row, the person next to him elbows him hard in the ribs.

“No no, go ahead, that’s a good one, honestly. Just wait until we get to the bit where I made this.” Lup holds up her hand to show off her shiny white ring and grins wide. There’s a groan from a woman on the left. Lup hopes there’s at least one terrible first date happening here tonight.

“Bones, by their very nature, were part of a living breathing being.” Barry starts to work from the cards. He’s right, of course, they probably shouldn’t stray too far from the plan, shouldn’t front load too many of the anecdotes. “But once flesh leaves bone, we often forget the humanity of them. We don’t look at a person any more, we look at an object. An object to be taken, studied, stored, or displayed. We don’t often consider who they might have been, which grave markers we have taken them from, or whether there are families missing them.” Barry takes a moment to look out across the crowd. “When is it okay to take a body?” He asks no one and everyone all at once.

They wait.

Someone always cracks, eventually the heat of the silence will get to them and they’ll popcorn their way into an answer. It never fails in class.

Lup nods encouragingly, makes eye contact with anyone stupid enough to look up in this moment.

“After a thousand years.” Someone shouts up.

“Yes, so the historical argument is a good one. What’s the point in the militia looking at a skeleton from thousands of years ago? Why shouldn’t the remains become an artefact, each bone catalogued and recorded.”

“Yeah!”

“I’ll ask another question, what makes a person?”

There’s a longer silence.

“Who are you?” Lup asks. She loves it when people have to think about this. It’s rare they consider what the stuff of them is, beyond a name or a place or a purpose, the context of their lives.

“Lucretia!” Shouts Lucretia.

“You sure are. And who’s she? Is she books and journals and learning?” Barry asks.

“Fuck off Barry, I learned to fight! I made a second moon!”

“You did.” He says, voice softer for a moment. “But how would we demonstrate that in a museum?” He looks patiently around the room again.

“An information board?”

“What would we put on the information board?” Lup asks the room, they’re getting bolder and she’s delighting in it.

“The stuff about the moons.”

“And?”

“Her name!”; “The fighting stuff!”; “Journals on display.”

“All good suggestions, but how much of that context can we give? And how do we get it from some bones?”

“Research ‘em.” Lucretia’s beaming. Lup needs to bring her to more conferences to heckle.

“Research them!” Barry agrees, happily. “We wrote this book for multiple reasons, we wanted to share our experience because it’s important to encourage learning, but we also wanted to help people think differently.”

Angus sneaks back into the door, flaps his hands in a complex circle motion and purses his lips. Lup assumes he’s doing the bird call he practised earlier, thankfully him arriving back is all the signal she needs.

“Anyway, the main thing we want you to remember is that skeletons are people too. Thank you bye!”

Lup drops the mic.

Barry, many years deep in his conference circuits with Lup, reaches out to catch it before it fully leaves her hand. “Thank you for your time, please remember to buy your copy of “We Got Boned!: an autoethnography of death, respect, and being rad litches who can’t die.” Have a lovely evening and enjoy the canapes.”

Lup’s glad she didn’t knock the softness out of him, glad that the years apart didn’t take it either. She hopes people do buy the book, that people do care. But most of all she hopes that the people below them are currently speeding to freedom in the back of a ‘cat shampoo’ wagon.

Angus sniffles and grabs her leg. She bends to comfort him. “The mongoose have left the nest, Dr Lup, I repeat, the mongoose have left the nest.”

“The otters have built the dam?”

“Pardon?” Angus looks up at her his adorable little face scrunched up with confusion.

“Just messing with you Ango.”

“Oh. I… I knew that. Good one, Dr Lup.”

She winks at him, then scoops him up onto her hip - the next part of the plan was flawless, no one could argue with kid tears. “You ready?”

“I was born ready.” Angus replies, tears already welling in his eyes. “I was so… scared.” He wails. “I thought… I’d… never… see you… again.” The sobs are coming thick and fast.

“Oh no, don’t worry little man, you’re back now, but what have I told you about wandering off?”

“That I shouldn’t do it.” Angus says through his tears. “I’m going to be in so much trouble with Mr Taako and Mr Kravitz.”

“It’s okay, pumpkin, we don’t have to tell them.”

“I already did, I messaged them on my stone and they said I have to come home right away?”

“Right now, Angus?”

“Right now. I have to go home right now.” He wails loudly.

“Oh dear, well let’s go find Barry, I’m sure he’ll understand.”

Angus is shaking against her shoulder and Lup has no idea if it’s with laughter or the best fake-tear education Taako could give.

“Oh no, what’s wrong Angus?” Barry’s face is lined with concern as they approach him.

“I have… to… go… home.” Angus snuffles out between sobs. Lup tries to mop at his face, but soon realises he’s already soaked his hanky through. Incredible.

“Do you have a…?” She waves Angus’ handkerchief at Barry.

“Of course, oh dear, poor thing.” Barry hands over his denim pocket square. “I’m so sorry everyone, this was a fascinating discussion, but you can’t argue with that face, it seems like we’ll have to be off.”

“Surely you don’t both have to go?” A tall man with a well waxed moustache asks.

“I… miss my Grandpaaaaaaaaa.” Angus wails.

“Oh buddy, I’m so sorry. What can we do to help?” Barry asks.

“I’ll never be… able to see him… again because he’s… dead…” Angus is definitely reaching now, but thankfully everyone looks alarmed enough by the invocation of a dead grandfather that they’re not going to question it. “... but I’d like to… go home.” The sobs are thick and fast now.

“Oh Angus, of course we’ll take you home.” Lup pets his hand lovingly. “Won’t we Bear?”

Barry nods.

There’s grumblings around the circle, but no one is willing to outright tell a crying child no, especially not when Angus sobs even harder and reaches for Barry. If he’s not careful the kid’s going to give himself a nose bleed and Taako’s never going to forgive her if Angus gets hurt on her watch. Barry grimaces apologetically and takes Angus from Lup, who simply shrugs the universal ‘what can we do?’ at the group.

“Angus, you’re a genius.” Lup whispers to him as soon as they’re safely bundled in their coats and waiting outside for Barry to bring the car.

“Thank you very much Dr Lup, I thought my performance was excellent. You should have seen the guards.” He whispers back.

Lup dabs at his dry eyes with a fresh handkerchief from her pocket, just in case anyone’s watching.

–

“There’s pizza.” Taako waves his hand lazily in the direction of the kitchen. He’s strewn across Kravitz’s lap feeding him bites of cookie.

“Did you cater the heist?” Barry asks, as if he hasn’t been part of this family for years, as if he hasn’t heisted with them before.

“What are we, animals?” Lup and Taako ask together.

“Yeah, okay, I walked into that one.”

“So we’re all good?” Lup asks the room.

“We were so respectful.” Magnus shouts, appearing from the kitchen, mouth half full of pizza.

Lup glances to Kravitz, he nods subtly. That’s good enough for her.

“Everyone stashed safely?”

“I organised some plant cover to be extra safe.” Merle lounges on a beanbag there’s no way he’s getting out of without help.

“Organised or organ-ised?” Barry asks. “Wait, actually, no, I don’t want to know. Don’t tell me.”

“Too late, let me tell you about the dwarves and the ivy.” Merle crooks a finger and smiles his dirtiest old man smile.

“Pizza you say, Taako? In the kitchen?” Lup grabs Barry’s arm and pulls him out of danger.

“Thank you.” He squeezes her hand.

“No no, thank you.” She replies.

Lup hops up onto the counter, grabs a pizza slice with one hand and uses the other to pull Barry closer.

“We did it!”

“We did it.”

He kisses her, she kisses him right back. It’s only illegal if someone catches them.

“None of that on my ship.” Davenport shouts from the hallway.

Lup rolls her eyes and kisses him one more time anyway.

–

Lup huffs and throws the paper down.

“Still nothing?” Asks Barry.

“Still nothing. They didn’t even notice.” She doesn’t mean to take it personally, it’s good really. The longer that it takes for them to realise the bones are gone, the less likely it is to be linked to their event, but still, still. He cared enough to steal 12 year dead bodies from their graves, surely he wanted them for more than just the prestige? Infamy? Lup didn’t really know what the term was. Maybe he was just rich and bored and fancied trying his hand at archaeology. Either way, he hasn’t worked it out yet.

They’ve been scouring the paper for weeks, asking Krav to ask Sloane to ask Hurley if there’s anything rumbling, but there’s no word that Artemis has noticed the much emptier basement of his “museum.”

“Did I tell you that Lucretia found another family?” Lup asks.

“You did!” Despite hearing the news before, Barry sounds just as excited as she does. The relief has been palpable every time they’ve facilitated a reunion. Questions answered, a family able to care for their loved one in the proper way.

“I saw you matched another few sets of bones too.”

“Yeah, he jumbled them down there, hadn’t preserved them properly either, but I’ve been working on it. I’ve been talking to them while I work, it’s nice when they help out, makes it easier too. I’m glad they approve.”

“Who wouldn’t want you pouring over their bones? Handsome nerd paying endless attention to my body? Sign me up!”

“You can have that any time you’d like.” Barry says. He winks, corny enough to unbalance the smoothness of his words.

She loved him endlessly. Perfect, wonderful man.

#Bone! Heist!#The Adventure Zone #TAZ Fic #Blupjeans #Barry Bluejeans #Lup Tacco #Lup #Noodyl Writes

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