Isn't it so easy to justify your actions and send people off wishing them the best life ahead. It's so easy. You chose not to understand the damage you caused by simply saying "yeah, i can't understand" For someone who has a gift of detecting emotions and energy changes, you can't just turn around and say that you don't understand! I do believe that we all have a level of empathy in us and the ability to reflect on our behaviour. I am not sure if I am angry or if I am just sad. I've spent my entire weekend crying, reading and trying to logically put things into perspective with no avail.

I am upset with myself. I don't know how to stop loving her. She would have gone to everyone apologising for her behaviour however what sticks out for me is that, her loyalty to her gf has been solid as. She continues to be with her and work through things with her. They are together, always together and after everything, they remain together. It hurts me most that I was just a part of her experience and there was no real love for me. The intensity or being my soulmate was just a passing emotion for her. I fell so hard in love with her that my entire life changed but all I got in the end was, "i hope this helps you tie the loose ends". All my fear of them was always true - they were committed to each other, in sickness and in health! So, what was I to her? A phase? Someone she used as she felt like it? There was no love for me?

What am I going to do with all this? How can someone not realise how much they are hurting the other person. The impact of all this on me is oblivious to her. I fell in love with her but since 2.9.12, I was committed to her and my love never stopped there. The number of times she hurt me in front of her partner, cousin and friend when we travelled together yet no one came up and asked me if I was ok. They giggled and spoke behind my back seeing the bruise on my arm, but didn't ask. Her partner refused to stand next to me and was just rude to me. I was embarrassed and I truly believed it was all my fault. Even when I discussed it with her, she ignored me. After our break up, no one checked up on me, no message, no calls, nothing. Even my cousin was forbidden to speak to me. All those horrible things spread around me that I was sleeping with my ex and that i was living with him floated around for people to make a joke out of me. I kept crying that I didn't live with him, but she didn't believe me. She had pictures of every corner of my little apartment yet she didn't care. She simply didn't think about me. Yes, I lied when I went to Wellington. I really needed to see and be with people who loved me. I didn't do anything or sleep around with anyone. I just wanted to be close to anyone who could tell me that I was not going crazy. After the break up, she never asked me to come to her. She said she was going to find love and she said that she will apologise to her now partner and love her. I know I bought a house after that with my ex - i had to invest for my son. I think that was a good decision because whether I was stable or not, my son had a stable home. Returning from NZ, I started co-parenting my son with ex. I was really not fit to be a parent at that stage and my depressive episodes went for days. I was thankful to have that extra hand which supported my son. Counselling and therapy helped, writing all my feelings and spending time alone also helped. It took me years to get some sort of normality back in my life. Throughout this process, there was no one from her side who ever helped or asked how I was. They were all fake including her. She never cared how I was coping and only set rules that I must follow to get her undivided love and loyalty. She didn't care if the cost of that to me was my son.

Today she expressed regret that she swore at me. There was no apology, by the way, it was that I am not those things she said to me. However, there was more than swearing. There was emotional and physical abuse. Those slaps, her throwing things at me, verbally abusing me. After all this, I was begging for her not to leave me. My family made fun of me when she didn't want me back, when she had had enough and she ran back to her ex. No one trusted me - no one wanted to be with me. I had emotionally collapsed and I tried so hard not to show the world. I knew people were talking about me, about how a girl dumped me for another. I know people were talking about how I cheated on her. I had never cheated on her.I didn't let anyone come close to me and even after all that, I still waited for a day for her to realise that she did me wrong. That day, I wanted to tell her that I kept myself for her. That I never stopped loving her.

She made a mockery out of my situation when all i ever did was truly love her. She never turned around and asked how I was coping. No one did. They all went about their lives like I didnt exist. For my mistake of lying to her, it was like shaming me amongst my families and friends. Her friends. They all looked down at me. No one was my friend anymore. People asked my mom about me in such a derogatory manner. I hated myself for putting my parents through that. I had to rebuild my relationship with Yuvaan. I had fallen so low in my mind that I was just not worthy of being with anyone anymore. I have such a long way to go but with everything that i went through, i could not stop loving her. Amit asked me to marry him and after a while, i said yes, but then I realised that i still had hope. So I called it off and he understood. I didn't want him to be with someone who couldn't love him. I wanted him to be happy and I could never be selfish.

Everything led to this day, where my journey doesn't matter. What she felt for me was never real. I feel this has been the worst kick in my gut. The worst of all to know that I meant nothing to her. I would never mean anything to her except the person who lended her lap for her to put her head on or someone who told her that her behaviour is not normal. All my sacrifices and tears - nothing matters. No one remembers anything. All there is to know today is that her behaviour is justified and I am suppose to accept that. That disclosure in itself should give me closure, tie the loose ends and stay happy. But It doesn't. My life matters - and it's heartbreaking that it meant nothing to her.

Like how? how do i go and be happy? How do i love someone?? How do I process everything? I was committed so deeply that I can't just say "yeah all good" and move forward. It doesn't work that way!! It just doesn't!