Tw vent, sex mention

I'm so freaking down right now... I can't even explain how dull and sad and unhappy and dysphoric and bad I feel

I'm back to thinking... I feel so bad when I start just thinking. 'Cause every time I do it my thoughts keep on leading back to who I am.

I desperately want to have a partner (or partners) and have romantic AND sexual relationship, I've fell in love pretty recently but... I also feel like NO ONE could really ever love me back at this point.

Who am I? A closeted transgender person with lots of weird kinks, interests (even fixations) and lots of triggers and nuances, with complicated as fuck identity and also so fucking hypersexual

I don't wanna spend my whole life lonely. I wanna love. I wanna be loved. But is there an actual way that's going to happen? Maybe that's really just my fate?

And I don't wanna give myself up. I don't want to stay in closet forever. I don't want people to see me as cis woman. I don't want people to see me as binary trans man. I want people to see AND accept AND support me as a nonbinary person who presents masculine AND feminine.

I don't want to stay in closet forever. I don't want my partner to think that I'm okay with just vagina-and-dick sex. YES I do have WEIRD desires. And I don't also want anyone to be uncomfortable with it. And I don't want myself to be uncomfortable.

So the only one fucking way is to actually find a person who's not queerphobic AND queer themselves, who's not anti-kink AND have weird kinks themselves AND THEM NOT BEING ONLY BINARY WOMEN

WHAT'S THE ACTUAL CHANCE OF SUCH THING TO HAPPEN...

Me everyday tbh 🙃😥😢

I don't know what have I done to be muted, avoided, ignored and forgotten by mostly everyone and feel like this 😰

Maurice van Tellingen (Dutch 1957)

Dying alone unnoticed in the big city (2022)

Mixed techniques

I'm scared no one will ever love me. I'm terrified that I won't live a great romance like the one in books, that no one will fall in love with me and care for me the same way my dad cares about my mom. I'm scared of love and I'm scared of not being loved. Of not being enough. Am I ever going to be enough?

Loneliness is being in a world where people say you're not. It's not belonging amongst those that belong, and not belonging amongst those that do not. It's walking the world like a stranger in a foreign land where they were born, and where they grew, and where they live. It's a feeling in your guts, then in your throat, then in your eyes. It's words that do not fit. It's people that say they should. It's strange looks and "I don't care what they think" and "I am happy" while never knowing if you'll ever stop feeling lonely. It's knowing the feeling more intimately than you'll ever know anyone. Then it's it, knowing you in return.

I want everyone to leave me alone. To make everyone forget about me

But loneliness that deep gets into the marrow, Now that I'm here – among friends – I can feel it burning out of me. Little by little, step by step.

Karlach Baldur's Gate 3

“My safe place is myself.

A haven where I don't have to fear the lighthouse is gone.

Where my 2 arms can best embrace me.

Where my thoughts and peace recharge me.

But secretly, I hope another boat docks on my safe haven.”

cuz I know somewhere down the line I'm just gonna have that "Wtf? I thought we were friends?" moment

so why even try with anyone

Time for me, bit more philosophical this time. Never be afraid to hit up on a hot and popular girl you like, you never know how alone she might actually be.

to be ignored by people you really like hurts so bad

I am fine

[The Queen's Gambit]

It hurts, everything hurts insanely. time goes by, but the pain is still the same, time does not heal

I try to live on, I try to do something so as not to drown in the swamp of thoughts completely, but I just want to quit everything