#like. i wish i just had….queer people in my life i could be around to make it a bit easier sometimes :
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Well it's come up multiple times today so I'll make a post about it.
I think the popularization of the word "twink" has ultimately been really bad for people in general.
I know it's hard to track the positive and negative effects of language but I don't think it's hard to see how creating a word for a group of people wherein the most consistent qualifying trait is "being skinny" is healthy for people's self image. Obviously people have lots of ideas about what it means to be a twink- gay, lacking body hair, feminine, beautiful, young, white- but the most consistent descriptor I've seen is "skinny." Hell, it's even a body type on Grindr; the size below "average."
So it kind of functions as a code word in the gay community: anyone can say that they're only interested in twinks and they don't have to look shallow by saying they only like skinny guys. It's such an accepted attitude that no one really bats an eye when they hear it.
I'm not even going to get into how it's become part of the larger issue of people turning "top" and "bottom" into gender roles 2.0, but that is closely related, because people with any internalized homophobia can look at a skinny, feminine man and turn off their fag alarms by viewing him as a woman or not a "real" man, and it makes twinks more acceptable to society at large.
No, ignoring all of that, one of the biggest issues is that gay men are taught by society that they are only attractive while they are skinny. Just having the label "twink" reminds a boy that people are looking at his body and judging it. There were countless times when I was growing up that people would tell me, "You're such a twink," or argue about whether or not I qualified as a twink because I had body hair. People around you, unpromted, judge your body and give you a label based on it, and that label has a large influence on whether or not you're seen as objectively attractive. I know many other gay people who say they wish they were a twink so they could be more attractive to guys.
So think, you have all these kids growing up being told whether or not they qualify as a twink, and then we have the gay community as a whole where it's completely acceptable to say you're only attracted to twinks. I think its because of all of this pressure to be a twink (in other words, to have a below average weight) that many of the gay people that I interact with struggle with a negative body image or eating disorders.
I mean, people talk about "twink death" like it's an actual event that makes a gay man much less attractive, and no one thinks that, maybe, it's harmful to tell a guy that the very day he stops being young and thin and pretty, he will stop being attractive and celebrated?
I'm not qualified to speak on fatphobia in physical queer spaces because I don't have the ability to frequent them where I live, but I can't imagine that these aren't issues at social gatherings as well. I also can't speak on my own experiences with weight discrimination because so far in my life I have had a naturally thin body, but I have experienced a lot of outside pressure to be thin that have caused me to pick up unhealthy eating habits to reduce my weight in fear that I could become fat later on. Thankfully that is something that I've mostly been able to work past. I'm not an expert, but idk, I just wanted to rant on my silly tumblr blog.
Obviously it's impossible for a word to be inherently bad. I'm not trying to imply that saying "twink" is a magic word with evil powers. Obviously the real issues at play here are fatphobia and harmful beauty standards and body shaming. But in my opinion, the popular use of the word twink has made it much easier and acceptable to express fatphobia, etc, in the gay community by turning "skinny person" into a "type of guy that you should try to be so you can be attractive."
#i know i sound annoying and woke but this is my blog and i can post whatever i want :3#theres so much more to say but this is long enough as it is#no ones gonna read this anyway#gay#queer issues#fatphobia#cw ed mention
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one of the things that's so frustrating is how often the arguments against us are actually happening to us. we said - you need to watch out, this will evolve into allowing fascism into legal statute. and we were told: you're a sensitive snowflake. you're annoying and stupid and have no concept of reality. nobody really believes that stuff.
but it's indoctrination for kids to even see queer people. it's grooming for kids to even be around queer people. it's disgusting to even put rainbows on kids clothes. it's inappropriate, shameful, still-an-argument. like any of this is new - we know already. for you, even seeing someone unashamed is the same thing as "forcing" it onto you. because god-forbid you confront any internal thought you have. because god-forbid you practice empathy. rage is better, i guess. it keeps you pretty.
this has always been the way of some people - a while ago, it would have been "sinful" for my white mom to marry my hispanic dad. once, in the year of our lord 2015, someone told me that "mutts" deserve a woodchipper. that one particular insult stayed with me - not because it was the first or last, but because there was something so unbelievably violent about it that i couldn't figure out how to hold it. the idea that someone is so assured of their bigotry and rage that they would paint this kind of a picture. even jokingly, even with the anonymity of the internet, it kind of centered things for me. a sense that, for some people, their rage burned so unimaginably large that it blocked even the basic fact of my humanity.
at one point, while i still had enough fire in me to get into long arguments, one of the bigots i was "debating" (being harassed by) said: to be honest, it's about the sex, not the love. between you, me, and the four walls of this blue hellsite, i actually didn't really care for "love is love" as the slogan of our community. it seemed so placid, so gentle, so ally-focused. where was the vitriol? where was the hours i spent agonizing over myself? where was the quiet moments of my life, filled with the sound of other people's hatred? this static that settles over everything; even for the action of holding her hand.
the world is unfair. i am an adult, and without the veneer and small-pond syndrome of my teenage years, the slogan has started sounding more desperate. the more places i went, the more people i met. love is love. love is defending him on a rooftop bar. the drink she throws at me goes down into my shoes while i stand there, wishing i had a better retort than what the fuck. love is both of us, keeping our heads down, the black SUV full of frat boys (?) pulled up next to us, howling, for five whole blocks, until we both gave up and had to stick our bare legs into the thicket by the side of the road, giving over into tick country rather than let it go on any longer. love is a lazy spring afternoon, my hand on her belly, the fan spinning overhead. did you hear the whole thing about target?
did you hear about being the target? that's a fun little parallel, isn't it. it almost feels like the game that-is-about-me is being played without-my-participation. someone wants to set fire to my life, and i have to wait for a response from a capitalist institution. i am watching a tiktok where a white woman under white lights complains about adult swimsuits, even though i think a lot of people would benefit from having swimming options that are not "instagram-inspired bikini" or "impossible to move in but otherwise pretty".
sometimes it just seems so fucking stupid. like, just to check, the rage you feel and the hatred - you could really just avoid all of that by minding your fucking business. sometimes (and this is true): it's not about you, and people don't need your permission. like, i don't understand any obsession with sports, but it seems to make other people happy. american football literally results in grievous bodily injury - and yet there are onesies for babies that say future quarterback. i personally don't love it, so i just don't buy that stuff. i walk by it, and don't let it bother me. there have been so, so, so many times that i was told - "so what if he's a little bit homophobic, if you don't like him, don't watch his movies." "so what if they fired her. don't buy their product." "so what if they wouldn't make a rainbow cake. just don't support them."
sometimes i feel the meaning of it scud against my body, an orca whale inside of me, threatening the boat. it is too large to see from my place; this shadow of a thing that dwarfs my petty other-concerns. i need to find a dress for an event, and florida is passing more anti-gay legislation. i need to text my friend back and confirm our plans, and someone is throwing beer bottles to the floor in a walmart because a different case had rainbows on them. it is a long fall, if i look down into it; this sense like the bottom doesn't exist. like i have only ever dipped my toes in.
sometimes i am unbelievably tired of talking about it. it feels like it has become too trite in my own poetry - queer writer complains about the state of the world! how original! - and then something else happens, and i am here again. i remember that it isn't a moment. i remember it isn't a scattered population of cartoon evil-doers, intent on world domination from behind handlebar mustaches. it is a concerted effort of real people with real power who really-do want to see my end. it is a lifetime of dodging the beercan as it sails out of the back of the van. it is a lifetime of not-kissing once we leave the apartment. it is a lifetime of watching someone protest our existence and then, very slowly, giving them the finger. it is a lifetime of holding my friends' hands and hearing the same agony in their life that i lived through. it is us, together, our faces turned upwards, the night sky so vast, milky way overhead like a lacework zipper.
it is a lifetime of staring down woodchippers.
#writeblr#this got away from me#i love you#whereever you are. u are mine. i am yours. i am sorry this is happening
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I had this idea in my head for a while; With Kit Connor x gf reader, where she comforts him when he was pressured to come out
thank you <3
pairing : kit connor x reader
summary : you are by kit's side as he deals with being forced to come out
word count : 900 words
warnings : swearing
note : the fact that some so-called "fans" watched the show and had the nerve of accusing him of queer-baiting and pressured into coming out when he was only eighteen is just disgusting to me, check yourselves y'all
You'd been dating Connor for a while. Being an actor, you'd met at some party he had attended with the Heartstopper cast. You'd met Yasmin first, and had immediately hit it off. She was unbelievably funny and down-to-earth. She had introduced you to the rest of the cast, and, naturally, you'd been drawn to Kit. You had exchanged numbers through shy smiles and shaky hands, the rest was history.
Dating someone in the acting world was both a blessing and a curse. As an actor, Kit understood and could relate to your struggles with roles, management, fame, social media... just the industry in general. You bonded over similar experiences as bisexuals who could pass as straight and who didn't always bother with labels or clarifying their sexualities.
But as an actor, he was also often on the move, filming thousands of kilometres away from you or in a different time zone altogether.
But even with all this, being with Kit was easy. You both clicked, you just worked. You communicated your feelings and needs and even though you'd had your fair share of arguments, you loved him more than anything. He made you and your life so much better.
So you can imagine that when people he started being accused of queer-baiting and being pressured by people who missed the meaning of the show entirely to come out, you didn't take it well. You loved Kit with all your heart and would tear the world to pieces just for him.
"I just can't believe these people! How dare they? How can they just- sit there and demand this of you!" you'd ranted one night. "You're eighteen for Pete's sake! You don't owe them or anyone anything! Fucking cunts, it's just ridiculous that they think so!"
Kit watched you from where he was sitting on the couch, running a hand over his face. You sigh, licking your lips as you trudged over to him.
"I'm sorry," you speak softly, standing in between his legs. He looks up at you, shaking his head.
"You've got nothin' for apologize for, luv,"
"But I shouldn't go off like this, it's not fair to you, this negative energy..."
He pulls you into his lap, wrapping his arms around you and burying his face in your neck. Your hand immediately goes to his hair, gently scratching his scalp as the other wounds itself around his shoulders.
"I would make them vanish off the face of the Earth if I could, I swear, I-"
"You did all you could, my love, it's already more than enough." He meant the countless posts you'd made concerning his situation as well as other actors', speaking up on the issue in many interviews... He was right, you'd done everything in your power. But it still wasn't enough. And it was killing you.
"But it's not, though. They just won't stop! Where is their bloody decency? And you don't deserve this, any of this. It's so unfair."
"I know," He lifted his head up to look at you. Your hand cupped his jaw before you kissed him deeply.
"I can take it," he assured against your lips. You pulled away, frowning.
"But you shouldn't have to. It's so unfair. I wish we could just shut them all up, tell them to fuck off."
"But you've done that already, haven't you?" he chuckled.
"Yes, but clearly the message didn't get through." He pressed a sweet kiss to your lips.
"Stop worrying about me. I'll take care of it."
"What will you do?"
"I don't know yet, but I'll figure it out."You'd seen the tweet before you'd seen him. He was supposed to come over to your place for Halloween, you were planning on attending a party together, dressed as Shaggy and Velma. You were halfway through getting ready. You had your outfit on and were just getting started on your makeup when your phone started blowing up. Confused, you picked it up, seeing Kit's tweet everywhere. You slapped a hand over your mouth, scrolling down Twitter. Even though you were furious at the people who had brought him to this, you couldn't help but feel proud of him for taking control of the situation and coming out on "his own terms", if they could be qualified as such.
Your doorbell rings and you all but run to open the door. Outside stands Kit, looking absolutely beaten. You bite your lip, eyebrows furrowing.
"I just saw," you breathe. He walks in and pulls you into a big hug, sighing shakily into your hair. You rub his back.
"Oh, baby," you coo, "I'm so sorry, you don't deserve any of this,"
You usher him to your couch, closing the door and start making some tea. You set both your cups down on the coffee table, sitting down next to him. You take his hands in yours, caressing his knuckles.
"How do you feel?"
"I- I'm just disappointed, I guess. I thought people, especially after watching the show, would be more understanding, empathetic... just- more human, I guess."
"Yeah, people are disappointing."
"But I wanted to be the one to say you, you know? I didn't want that taken away from me, I didn't want to be outed."
"And you were totally right, you took control of the situation and I'm so proud of you. You changed the narrative." He gave you a small smile.
Kit laid his face in your lap, hugging your thighs.
"It still sucks, though," he spoke, voice muffled. You nodded, running a comforting hand up and down his back.
"Yeah, it sucks. Do you wanna stay here tonight and watch some scary movies?"
"Yes, please."
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It’s funny that Bylers are so often accused of being delusional, because I was at my most delusional when I was anti-Byler.
I spent most of S4 refusing to acknowledge that Will had romantic feelings for Mike, despite knowing damn well what all that love triangle imagery and sad gay pining was implying. I convinced myself it was just bros before hoes drama; that perhaps Will wanted to come out to his best friend but felt nervous after six months of radio silence following “it’s not my fault you don’t like girls!”
The van scene forced me to accept that he really was in love, and it pissed me off because what was even the point of making him fall for a straight boy?
Mike’s bizarre “no homo” behaviour was clearly a symptom of growing up in a conservative 80s household, and witnessing Will’s sacrificial act of love in the van was the shitty lesson he needed to get over his homophobia.
I saw a typical straight male protagonist in an 80s coming-of-age film getting to coast his way to self-actualization on the back of queer suffering; a cruel and homophobic trope I thought we’d moved past by the year 2022.
But then the NINA reunion scene rolled around--
--and I immediately picked up on the heavy parallels between Mike and Will in how they greeted El. The realization hit me like a tonne of bricks: Mike feels the same way about her as Will does.
I thought, “wait, does this mean I was wrong about...? Oh my god. No way.
No fucking way.
Will was in love with El this whole time?? What the fuck, he’s been gay since S1 and she’s his sister this is BULLSHIT I will personally strangle the Duffers--”
Heteronormativity is a hell of a drug, kids.
Let this be a lesson to those of you who think media illiteracy is to blame for Byler denial -- how well someone understands the mechanics of storytelling is irrelevant if they insist on treating Mike’s supposed heterosexuality as an axiom instead of an evidence-based conclusion. The issue lies with bias, not literacy.
I was stubbornly anti-Byler because I knew I’d immediately fall in love with this ship if I allowed myself to have hope it could be canon, and the general state of queer rep in mainstream media meant I was all but guaranteed to get hurt if I was so stupid as to have hope. But in my desperation to cling to the “safe” heteronormative outcome, I only ended up hurting myself with my own silly assumptions.
We’ve seen both canonically gay characters in the show make exactly this mistake, needlessly hurting themselves with their silly but self-defensive assumptions about their love interests.
Stranger Things absolutely nails its depiction of the subtler ways internalized homophobia can manifest -- Will may feel like a mistake and be prone to beating himself up, but he isn’t some pitiful self-loathing queer who wishes he was straight, either. He’s just so crushed by heteronormativity that he accepts it as an inescapable fact of life and lets it guide his beliefs and actions.
Don’t get me wrong: Will, like Robin, is very sensible for being cautious in such a horrifically bigoted environment -- trying to openly defy that level of homophobia by yourself, especially when you’re young, is a bad idea.
But unlike Robin, he clearly struggles to accept that he has the right to chase his same-sex love interest. He's no longer simply exercising caution, but conforming to homophobic standards -- much in the same way I thought I was sensibly refusing to be queerbaited, when really I was just agreeing with the heteronormative status quo.
I realize now that this is the real reason Will was written into a homophobic 80s trope: not to teach Mike an outdated lesson in acceptance, but to maneuver Will into position for the lesson he’s going to learn in S5 about resisting conformity.
Will needs to learn that castrating himself to make straight people comfortable is a bad idea too. Not only is that a miserable way to live his life, but what sort of world is he leaving for the next generation of queer kids if he never questions these homophobic standards?
It’s just the cycle of abuse scaled up to the societal level.
This is what gives me confidence in Byler endgame. Queerness isn’t just an incidental element of Will’s personal arc, but suffuses the show to its very core -- it’s in its themes, its allegory, its characters.
So Will getting the boy isn’t just nice fan-service for Byler shippers, but a necessary ending if the show’s most important lesson is to land:
That it’s rewarding to make the difficult choice of standing up to bigotry in the face of forced conformity. Of choosing love.
Could it be the case that I was right the first time, and Stranger Things is going to turn out to be yet another heteronormative mainstream show that doesn’t commit to its own themes? Sure, maybe. But that wouldn’t invalidate the valuable lessons this show has already -- and apparently accidentally lol -- taught me.
Anyone who calls us deluded for hoping a mainstream show is going to have a gay pairing as its main couple just doesn’t realize -- or doesn’t care -- that they’re contributing to the very problem they’re describing.
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So let’s talk about (homo)sexuality during Shakespeare’s time and in his plays… (with a Shakespearean student, me!)
This is a divisive topic and some scholars have very Bad Takes on it, in my (also a scholar) opinion, so let's talk about it both from an evidence-based perspective, and a queer perspective.
The most important thing to note is that we cannot actually know what Shakespeare or any other Elizabethan citizen really thought about homosexuality and queer love. A lot of scholars acknowledge that fact and then make statements like ‘but they just didn’t think of sexuality like that!!’ but our not-knowing goes both ways. As a gay person, I find the assertion that people during this time period just didn’t feel homosexual love super offensive and ignorant, but at the same time, I know what they mean. So with that in mind, let’s talk about the facts…
Homosexuality was a well known of and partially accepted practice during this time. When I say partially accepted, I mean it was about as acceptable as it would be today at a Christian school in the heart of Texas. People knew about it, they knew people participated in it, but they didn’t like it and believed it went against God. But they felt that way about a lot of things! So when they passed The Buggery Act of 1533 (around 30 years before Shakespeare was born) it wasn’t really enforced. This act prohibited anal sex among any gender, or sex with animals. This law did not refer to gay people; rather just any sex not for the purpose of procreation, or anything that was not consensual.
Now a lot of homosexual practice at this point was unfortunately based on misogyny. Men in society were viewed as dominant and interesting while women were viewed as submissive and annoying. This is an unfortunate fact, but in order to discuss Elizabethan homosexuality in any capacity, we have to accept it for what it is; a reality. Because men generally didn't like women, they often sought out the company of other men in a well-accepted practice simply referred to as Male Friendship.
In male friendships, men would basically hang out together, kiss, cuddle, sleep in bed together, and profess their love for one another. If they had sex with each other, it would be viewed as immoral and wrong, but not unusual or even really cause for alarm. As I said above, sodomy laws were not really enforced during this time. There was no Elizabethan word for being gay or homosexual, and it was not publicly considered an identity or something you could be, rather just something you did. Regardless, even if men participated in these relationships, they still would've been expected to get married to a woman. Since marriage between men wasn't legal, people in society generally didn't consider the fact that two men could love one another. (Lesbian love or sex between women would've been so unthinkable at this point, there really isn't any information on it at all, unfortunately). However, with this, remember that we cannot know what individuals thought about these topics. It's totally possible that men might've fallen in love and wished to be marry, or even have considered themselves to be married. We just don't have that information because it would've been a secret.
So, there are certain contexts when erotic relationships between men would've been acknowledged and even accepted in certain circles, including theatrical ones! So these are the ones we see in Shakespeare's plays. One such context is in a youthful sense; young men were seen as full of life and passion - it's totally possible that they would've fooled around with their other male friends, and it would've been frowned upon, but assumed that they would grow out of it. Another context is in the derogatory sense; it's possible that once men were grown, their youthful same-sex exploits would be used to tease them. And finally, it would've been used in a predatory or immoral way, to represent corruption. This one requires more explaining. It's very important to remember that Shakespeare's plays had to go through the church and church censors. King Lear was censored during King George's reign, for example, and it did happen semi-frequently. So he could not portray explicit queer love on the stage in a positive light. What he could do is portray it in a negative light, which he sometimes did.
Was Shakespeare homophobic? Well, homophobia didn't exist during his time. Everyone was homophobic. Everyone was distasteful of gay people, even other gay people. It's not the best metaphor, but think about it like this; if you smoke cigarettes in today's day and age, you aren't going to go around telling everyone how much you love cigarettes and how great they are, or trying to convince others to try them. You're going to be probably a bit embarrassed and self-deprecating; you know it's wrong and bad for you, but you do it anyway because it feels good. Get it?
Was Shakespeare gay? He was definitely queer. The sonnets he wrote to men prove that, as well as the characters in his plays. But this isn't a biographical post, so let's talk about some literature.
Let's apply what we've learned so far to Shakespeare!
I'll provide an example for each of the above cases in Shakespeare's works.
First, let's talk about youthful 'male friendship' and homoeroticism in Hamlet, cause I know it's everybody's favorite on here.
Hamlet and Horatio's relationship has been speculated on sooo much, I feel like a bit of an exhibitionist once again holding up a microscope to it, but oh well.
Hamlet is a young, troubled protagonist who definitely commits worse crimes that sodomy over the course of five acts. Hamlet is often portrayed on stage as being in his late 20's or 30's, but we can't forget that in the text, him and Horatio are students, they're young! Teenagers or early 20's. The two of them are certainly close (closer than Hamlet is to any other character), and their relationship is reminiscent of the type of male friendship I was describing above.
In their first meeting onstage, Hamlet greets Horatio first, despite multiple people coming on stage at once. Let's break these first five lines down a little bit:
"HAMLET I am glad to see you well.
Horatio—or I do forget myself!
HORATIO The same, my lord, and your poor servant ever.
HAMLET Sir, my good friend. I’ll change that name with you. 170
And what make you from Wittenberg, Horatio?—"
(Hamlet, I.ii.165-170)
So, first off, Hamlet is glad to see Horatio, who he singles out from the group. He'll greet the others later, but first, he greets his good friend. Now, when Hamlet says, "or do I forget myself?" on a surface level, he's making sure he has Horatio's name right. Honestly, this is probably Shakespeare's way of introducing Horatio to the audience. A character needs a name - Horatio is introduced with the reference of his. But Hamlet's meaning has some wiggle room for interpretation - he doesn't say something to the effect of 'your name is Horatio right?" or even just, "or do I forget YOU." He says, "Do I forget myself."
(by the way, in Shakespeare studies, we never blame anything on the meter, meaning it isn't acceptable in a scholarly context to say "oh shakespeare just wrote it that way because 'my*self' is two syllables - Shakespeare is a better poet than that, absolutely nothing is without deeper meaning than just fitting the meter. This is proved by the amount of times that Shax breaks the meter to get a point across - he valued poetry above syllable count).
But I digress. Hamlet saying ' do I forget myself" carries a tremendous amount of weight. He's not being sincere in asking if he has Horatio's name right, he knows Horatio because Horatio is part of him. Just as he would not forget himself, he has not forgotten Horatio.
Now, to look at the next few lines, remember that Hamlet is a prince and Horatio is just Some Guy. During this time period, this would have been significant. Hamlet is choosing to be around Horatio - they aren't of the same class or wealth. So when Horatio refers to himself as Hamlet's "Poor servant ever," he's self-deprecating a little bit, but also addressing the elephant in the theater. Audiences at this time would question why Hamlet was hanging out with this random poor guy. Shakespeare explains with the next line.
"Sir, my good friend, I'll change that name with you." Okay. There's a lot to unpack here. "My good friend," is quite a statement to make. Friend didn't have quite the same implication back then that it does now - back then it would've meant more of 'a person who I am in proximity to and spend time with' than 'my buddy.' It didn't necessarily mean that people enjoyed each other's company. But Hamlet adds in the 'good,' which adds quite a bit of weight. He's using 'good' as a descriptor of Horatio's character here, not a description of the strength of their friendship. If anyone watches WWDITS, think of Lazlo saying, "My good lady wife, Nadja." Hamlet is saying he admires Horatio. He thinks Horatio is of good character, and therefore likes to spend time with him. AND THEN, Shakespeare just kicking me down the stairs and laughing as I fall, he hits us with the, "I'll change that name with you."
The name in question is "your poor servant ever," which means that Hamlet is basically saying, "I like you so much, you can be the prince and I'll be your servant." Which is a crazy thing for a prince to say! And there's really no reason for him to say it, unless him and Horatio were so intimately close that Hamlet truly meant it, which of course, he does.
So, if we're talking about male friendships that exceeds the typical bonds of normal acquaintance... I mean... need I explain further?
I will explain further.
Throughout the play, we see Ophelia as an acceptable love-interest for Hamlet. Even though they don't do very much romancing at all, but... that's okay. She's there, she 'proves' Hamlet's status as a heterosexual man, (and of course, she does much more than that. But for the sake of this analysis, we won't explore her character beyond this.) Despite Hamlet's affection for her, the person he confides to in the play is Horatio. This is unfortunately due to misogyny - women just really would not have been thought of as confidants and people who were able to give advice. But this doesn't invalidate the fact that Hamlet's usage of Horatio as a friend who is distinct from other friends, and who provides council like a partner would, does strongly imply a degree of homosexuality between them.
And of course, there's the blatant homosexuality in Hamlet's death scene, but we don't have time to unpack all of that! (It's been done many, many times, and I'm just providing an overview here.)
Now let's talk about the more derogatory usage of homosexuality using my favorite comedy, 'Much Ado about Nothing.'
In the first scene of the play, Beatrice discusses Benedict, who is coming home from war.
When she first mentions him, she says, "I pray you, is Signior Mountanto returned from the wars or no?" (I.i.30).
'Mountanto' is a fencing term literally meaning an 'upward thrust,' your scholarly annotations won't tell you this, but really what she's doing is referencing the amount of sex Benedict had out on the road during the war. What kind of sex? Gay sex. Let me say more.
Later in the scene we get this gem of an exchange:
"MESSENGER And a good soldier too, lady.
BEATRICE And a good soldier to a lady, but what is he
to a lord?
MESSENGER A lord to a lord, a man to a man, stuffed
with all honorable virtues.
BEATRICE It is so indeed. He is no less than a stuffed
man, but for the stuffing—well, we are all mortal."
(Much Ado About Nothing, I.i.52-58)
Beatrice is making fun of Benedict; she doesn't like him, she's teasing him. First, she outwardly questions his relationships with men, acknowledging that he sleeps with a lot of women, but also suggesting that he sleeps with men. The messenger doesn't rise to her bait, he affirms Benedict's "honorable virtues" meaning that doesn't believe Benedict would've slept with men - he's too good. However, Beatrice plays off of his use of "stuffed" and elaborates that not only does Benedict have gay sex, but that's he's the one being penetrated during the gay sex, which would've been emasculating as men were assumed to be dominant. A stuffed man means she thinks he's a bottom. The layers of this gay sex joke have added years to my life. Absolutely hilarious.
Additionally, throughout the play, Benedict frequently mentions that he has no desire to marry a woman because he has no need. This is probably because he's content to fuck around with men for a while, and doesn't feel the need to marry a woman for sex. — He later marries a woman for love. Different story ;)
Finally, let's discuss the use of homosexuality as a form of corruption using my FAVORITE queer coded characters ever, Brutus and Cassius of Julius Caesar!
I just wrote an entire paper for school on how badly Brutus and Cassius want each other, so I have A Lot to say, but I'll restrain myself... deep breath...
The first conversation Brutus and Cassius have on stage is a seduction, literally. Cassius is seducing Brutus and pulling him away from Caesar, with compliments and promises. Brutus promises to consider Cassius's offer and walks away, but the next time we see them, things have Changed. Brutus says the following after him and Cassius talk to a third party (Casca):
"BRUTUS Tomorrow, if you please to speak with me,
I will come home to you; or, if you will,
Come home to me, and I will wait for you."
(Julius Caesar, I.ii.316-319).
I mean, what can I say about this beyond the obvious. They're going home to each other. Brutus's corruption directly corresponds with his physical descent into moral depravity (homosexuality).
And then, once Brutus leaves the sage, Cassius says this:
(Cassius, continued): For who so firm that cannot be seduced?
Caesar doth bear me hard, but he loves Brutus.
If I were Brutus now, and he were Cassius,
He should not humor me."
(Julius Caesar, I.ii.324-327).
Cassius is a manipulator, we know that. He draws the "honorable" Brutus to betray his friend and commit an act of evil. All with the power of homosexuality :).
Once he succeeds in this, we get the infamous Tent Scene. Act 4, scene 3. Folks, I think about this scene every day. If you've read the book 'If We Were Villains,' that author does a fun job of explaining this scene, I like the way she calls it a lovers spat.
Brutus realizes that Cassius seduced him for the purpose of corrupting him, and is heart broken. Somebody PLEASE ask me to do a line-by-line breakdown of this scene, because nothing would make me happier. But for now, like I said, I'll restrain myself.
As Brutus and Cassius, fight, we get this exchange:
"BRUTUS Peace, peace! You durst not so have tempted (Caesar).
CASSIUS I durst not?
BRUTUS No.
CASSIUS What? Durst not tempt him?
BRUTUS For your life you durst not.
CASSIUS Do not presume too much upon my love.
I may do that I shall be sorry for."
(Julius Caesar, IV.iii.66-73)
Brutus is betrayed, and feels that Cassius never would've (sexually) tempted Caesar the way he did to Brutus. Brutus feels like he got played. But Cassius, while threatening Brutus, takes time to reaffirm that he loves Brutus! His feelings are real; this is part of what unfortunately categorizes him as a villain. He is unflinchingly gay for Brutus.
Later in this same scene, we get another notable exchange:
"CASSIUS I denied you not.
BRUTUS You did.
CASSIUS I did not. He was but a fool that brought
My answer back. Brutus hath rived my heart.
A friend should bear his friend’s infirmities,
But Brutus makes mine greater than they are.
BRUTUS I do not, till you practice them on me.
CASSIUS You love me not.
BRUTUS I do not like your faults."
(Julius Caesar, IV.iii.90-100)
Sigh. Okay, this is... this is maybe Shakespeare's most romantically gay scene ever. And this is what makes gay corruption in Shakespeare so awesome; under the guise of painting Cassius as more and more evil, Shakespeare can be pretty explicitly gay!!
"Rived" means broken in old English. With his withdrawal of love, Brutus as broken Cassius's heart. Again, as I said above, 'friend' meant something different back then. Here, Cassius is using it in the Male Friendship sense, much like Hamlet did. This section is just so romantic, it breaks my heart. The fact that just like Cassius did, Brutus takes time to remind Cassius that he still loves him (even though he dislikes Cassius's faults) is so sweet. I love this passage. I could talk abut it forever.
So there we go! Some background and some examples for you!!
Please comment with your thoughts, I would love to discuss.
Works consulted:
Primarily just years of studying Shakespeare, but more specifically:
Homosexual desire in Shakespeare's England : a cultural poetics : Smith, Bruce R., 1946- : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive
Much Ado About Nothing - Entire Play | Folger Shakespeare Library
https://www.folger.edu/explore/shakespeares-works/julius-caesar/read/
https://www.folger.edu/explore/shakespeares-works/hamlet/read/
#shakespeare#william shakespeare#hamlet#hamlet and horatio#julius caesar#dark academia#hamlet x horatio#if we were villains#gay pride!!!#academia#literature#gay literature#queer community#shakespeare shitposting#shakespeare plays#shakespeare quotes
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1: Magic is a Metaphor < 2: Morgana is a Lesbian < 3: Merlin is Gay > 4: Arthur is Bi
Again with the whole metaphor thing, Merlin's entire character is about having to hide his identity and wishing that he could be free to be himself so that he wouldn't have to lie about how much Arthur means to him. So that's all very gay, but he's also just very queer-coded generally. There are so many jokes about him being more effeminate or wearing women's clothing, most notably in this episode where he dresses in full drag and then takes the opportunity to shamelessly flirt with Arthur. Unhinged.
Basically every other character seems to just assume that he's gay, at least towards the end, because Gaius and Arthur are in utter disbelief that Merlin would be 'seeing a girl'. And of course he isn't, he's actually sneaking around with that druid guy, leading Arthur to question how courting a girl would leave him 'walking with a limp.'
I also think it's very interesting how often Merlin has to pretend to be attracted to women to avoid people discovering his secret, like with Gwen in Series 1 or Morgana in Series 2. Or this scene, where Gwen and Merlin are the only people not affected by the Lamia's seduction charm and they're trying to figure out why. And Merlin says, 'it doesn't affect you because you're a woman'. And firstly, Gwen is like, 'so what?' So, bisexual queen. And then Merlin says, "it only affects men," and Gwen says, "so then why haven't you fallen under her spell?" And Merlin is just like, 'oh shit, I don't know. I can't think of any reason why I wouldn't be seduced by a woman.'
Now, you might be saying, "but Merlin is attracted to women! what about that one female love interest he had for literally one episode who immediately died?" Oh, you mean:
I'm sorry to all of the Freylin shippers out there, but this was so clearly just the writers' last-ditch attempt to make Merlin straight. If you think about it, Freya also 'has magic' if you catch my drift, and that is the only thing that she and Merlin have in common, and the only thing that they talk about. And if you look at their dialogue out of context, it really doesn't seem like it's magic that they're talking about. It's just gay/lesbian solidarity. Also, never forget when Colin Morgan accidentally referred to Merlin's potential love interests as "him or her." So who else could he have been thinking of?
Merlin definitely had a crush on Lancelot. From the moment that they first meet, he just keeps going on about, 'omg, isn't Lancelot so strong and brave and chivalrous? God, I hope he becomes a knight, he would look so good in a suit of armour.' And then he says to Gwen, completely unprompted, "so just for the sake of argument– Arthur or Lancelot?" Why are you thinking about that Merlin? Then that scene ends with Merlin and Lancelot getting drunk and stumbling home together and waking up the next morning having shared Merlin's single bed. So take from that what you will. I don't necessarily think that anything happened between them, not because I think Lancelot is straight, don't get it twisted, just because I think he's a fucking virgin.
But certified pansexual manwhore Gwaine on the other hand, oh they definitely fucked. And it's a very similar situation to Lancelot, Merlin's only flirting technique is just to find some buff guy who's just saved his life and be like, 'oh my god what can I possibly do to repay you? Maybe you could come back to my place and I could tend to your wounds and then we could go down to the tavern, have a few drinks'.
And it works. Merlin literally used his job as apprentice physician to the Knights of the Round Table as his own personal Grindr, and i love that for him. But, of course, these are just side hoes to Merlin's main bitch, Arthur.
You can deny everything else that I've said, but you cannot deny that Merlin was in love with Arthur. And don't even try to say, 'but it's just because it was his destiny'. Because, yeah, like that's any less gay. They're two sides of the same coin, destined to be together, Merlin 'uses magic only for Arthur'. Come on.
Also, it's pretty clear that Merlin cares about Arthur more than he cares about his destiny, throughout the entire show. But it culminates in this scene in series five where, because of very contrived plot reasons, Arthur has to choose between legalizing magic and saving the life of Mordred. And Merlin convinces Arthur not to legalise magic so that he will let Mordred die. He literally enables the genocide of his own people and condemns himself to a lifetime of suffering just on the off chance that he can spend a bit more time with Arthur.
And if that isn't heartbreaking enough, of course, every action that Merlin makes only confirms Arthur's fate. And after he very platonically dies in Merlin's arms, as dudebros do, what does Merlin do? does he go back to Camelot and live a full happy heterosexual life? Of course not. No, he spends the next one and a half thousand years just waiting at Arthur's resting place, waiting for the day that Arthur will be resurrected and they can be together again. What the fuck kind of Greek tragedy, Achilles and Patroclus level shit is that? That is fucking gay.
#this is so fucking long omg sorry#consider this series as a masterpost of all of my ramblings#merlin#merlance#merwaine#merthur#bbc merlin#merlin meta#the magic of metaphor
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i see ur most recent post and obviously i have to ask abt trent
My favorite character right out the gate lets go!!
(Ok wow this got sooo long I am sorry)
Starting with my personal takes & headcanons Trent is so nonbinary to me. They give such vibes of being like “idk man I’m just existing” as well as at first thinking they just really didn’t care about gendered stuff bc society is stupid about it but then realized just how deep those feelings were. I also love just any headcanon of Trent not being cis in general. The gender queer vibes are so strong with that one. In terms of sexuality I’m really not sure? I think they’re to multiple genders but idk in what way. Bi, Pan, and Unlabeled are the ones I’m stuck between.
On a slightly more analytical note in I think in Island they are well showcased as a nice chill person but also having the capacity to stand their ground and be intimidating (that one scene with Cody).
I don’t think they’re really good with social queues and may be a bit gullible seeing how things went down with Heather. On the outside has that mysterious energy but can be a real goober when you get to know them. Insane silliness potential that was wasted in my opinion.
Crossing into the semi-headcanon but also canon implied type stuff is their neurodivergence. In TDA it’s obvious that Trent has some neurodivergent tendencies. I personally think OCD and autism. I hate the way it was handled, not because they gave Trent these traits in the first place but how they framed them as a crazy person. That treatment was definitely very damaging to Trent and most likely made them go to heavily masking, even more so than before. Being pitied so much also felt incredibly frustrating to them.
The way that Trent was launched into fame right after a messy breakup on international television definitely made things worse. They seemed like they were thriving while the band was together but in reality they were only being seen for their music and not who they really are, pointedly ignoring their neurodivergence, flaws or any wrongdoing on their part. It hurt seeing how they were treated so horribly when it came to their mental health but as soon as they started singing they were suddenly this sweet, emotional, amazing guy.
And in terms of my headcanon they were also dealing with a ton of dysphoria being seen a guy in the Drama Brothers because they were closeted. I personally think that they had only found out a couple of months before Island so they weren’t comfortable telling anybody yet. They felt like they could tell someone close like Gwen eventually but didn’t want to come out on tv so they said nothing. I think in the days between the finale and TDA Trent became afraid again not wanting to ruin things with Gwen in fear of her being upset that they wouldn’t be the cool talented boyfriend that she expected. On the Aftermath they didn’t really have anyone truly there for them only having those who pitied them or who thought they were an awful person, leaving them isolated not just about dysphoria but just their existence in general.
I do believe that between TDA and WT as well as onwards that Trent was able to build a genuine friendship with Justin, Harold, and Cody despite how messy things got with the band at times. Unintentionally they started unmasking a bit around them closer to when WT started and when they weren’t met with judgement (maybe a bit that was just genuine misunderstanding that got corrected but still) Trent was starting to more and more feel like they could be themself. (Back to more headcanony for a sec) After WT Trent came out to the three of them and was met with acceptance! From there Trent is able to progressively come out more and more from their shell and from the closet to more people!
Also hopefully patching things up and becoming friends with Gwen eventually but that’s just like a wish I have
I think I just unintentionally typed out a whole outline of what I think their life is instead of just my opinion on them in general but yeah.
Some random headcanons!!:
- (Stolen from Courtney-deserved-better) A lot of people think that Trent looks so cool and mysterious but in actuality they are usually just zoned out
- Biggest sensory issues are with sound. They’d go insane without headphones/earbuds bc the music is nice and their noise as opposed to how horribly loud life can be (Kinda projecting on this one but it makes sense for them so shhh)
- Listens to most genres but especially the ones within the general indie/alternative umbrella. A good amount of ppl think that they only listen to mainstream pop type stuff so when they’re with Trent and some darker/depressing type shit like CSH comes on from one of Trent’s playlists they are so surprised.
- Likes some of what the Drama Brothers made but a lot of their brand was pushed into them by producers and the whole band kinda hated how fake things felt at times. After WT they manage to get away from that company and the band gets a lot more creative freedom making what they want. (Also changing the band name eventually bc of Trent if we’re talking in a world with my nb headcanon. Not sure when or if Trent would publicly come out but if not before the name change then they all just make something up about rebranding)
About ships! - I personally love tons of td ships being a massive multi shipper, especially with characters that are my faves (With an exception of Raj I don’t rlly see him with anyone but Bowie). Gwent was the first ship I ever got into with Total Drama and it has a special place in my heart. It’s not my absolute favorite but I still love seeing them together and au’s where they actually work things out healthily during Action or where Action and or TD didn’t happen. I love a lot of other ones too like Trustin and Trody and a lot more! I think my favorite Trent ship may actually be Trenoah, it’s really my favorite rare pair. Ik they didn’t really interact but the POTENTIAL!! They would play off of each other so well and ahhh dude I think I’d need to make a separate post just taking about those two
And that’s the basics of my thoughts on Trent! (well maybe not the basics but trust me it’s not all that I have to say about them).
I think in the future I’ll make a post about what I think their potential backstory is bc I got carried away and didn’t rlly cover that here. @ashyjingles if you want me to @ you in that just let me know!
#long post#like seriously#i went overboard#i am so sorry#but like they’re my fave I can’t help but ramble like I’ve gone mad#total drama#tdi#tda#total drama action#total drama island#trent total drama#td trent
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I hope Courtney knows that she doesn't have to pretend to be part of the lgbt community to be interesting. She's never had any relationships with any girls and most of the people she's dated and were attracted with are men. I think she was so desperate to be as interesting as Damien, Shayne, and Ian that she decided to adopt being queer as her "thing"
hey, what an absolutely despicable ask to send me, a bisexual woman!
this kind of biphobia (although 'bisexual' isn't the official term courtney uses to label herself, biphobia is the most fitting descriptor here and so i'll be using that throughout) in my ask box is disappointing and disheartening. it is not courtney's job to be in (what is perceived as) a same-sex relationship to be queer. they don't have to be in such a relationship to get your approval, or to prove herself as a "real" lgbt person. some bi/pan/queer people will never have same-sex relationships. just like some will never have straight relationships, and some will never have any relationships at all. that doesn't mean the attraction isn't real or isn't there. no matter what their relationship status is, that attraction doesn't fade. she will continue to be attracted to women and to be queer their entire life. liking more than one gender is valid. being queer is valid. courtney's feelings, although they're none of our fucking business even if she's been gracious enough to share them with us, are valid. just because they're in a 'heterosexual' relationship right now doesn't mean she stops being queer - not to mention, it isn't a heterosexual relationship, it's inherently a queer relationship because they are in it. they're nonbinary and lgbt. any relationship they're in will be a queer one.
i'm just honestly... so affronted and disgusted by this whole idea. what on gods earth makes you think they're pretending? why would she drag herself through that mental anguish? if you'll remember, courtney grew up in a religious mormon household. why put herself through that? for 'clout'? to be 'different'? i'll tell you what, as someone who grew up 'different' in a religious family, it is not fucking fun. it is ignorant and disrespectful of you to assume anyone has the comfort to "pretend" they're queer to "stand out." i did not spend years at my bedside trying to pray away the gay just for someone like you to come in and say someone in my community is pretending. i did not go through my formative years lamenting how different i was from everyone around me for you to come in and accuse another queer person of faking it.
and another thing - it is fucking BAFFLING to me that you would say courtney was 'desperate' to be as interesting as shayne, damien, and ian. you named three white straight men. hello???? are you fucking blind to what you just wrote? courtney has been out here BEING different, being unique and interesting and genuinely herself. for as long as i've been watching smosh, they have been the core of that company. as of this moment, they are the only current non-male main cast member and the second-longest-running main cast member overall. she's an accomplished writer, actor, producer, and director. without her, there's no funeral roasts, no reunions, no 'our leaked dms.' without her, there's simply no smosh, because they're a major part of the reason that company even lived through the defy collapse and the pandemic. they're also just objectively one of the funniest cast members there (can you imagine not having boneless. or pov you're a lobster. i honestly wish i could be half the comedic genius courtney is and that's not an exaggeration or a joke). they are interesting because of who they are, not because they're 'pretending' to be anything. courtney would be just as popular and beloved as she currently is even if she had never come out, which they only did because they were brave and trying to be their most authentic version of herself.
this ask left my stomach rolling. i am absolutely appalled. the smoshblr community we've created here is meant to be a safe haven, as smosh the company has become, for outcasts and oddballs, and that is supposed to include the lgbt community. i have praised smoshblr again and again for being the place i've felt most comfortable and accepted, but this is extremely hurtful. as a bisexual woman who has constantly struggled with being 'queer' enough, i take this kind of thing personally. and you may be thinking that this isn't about me, but it is. this is about every queer person who has been accused of 'faking it' by one biphobe or another. if a person says they're queer - they're fucking queer. end of story.
#courtney#idk what you wanted from this ask but if it was to piss me off congrats job well done#anyway. going back to my hidey hole now i just could not let this ask stand.#long post#discourse#biphobia#ask#asks#anon#anonymous
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Part Two of the Newly Wed Game
A/N: includes some slight homophobia via Mike in the first scene and has a bonus deleted scene at the end!
They managed to catch Mike before he blabbed anything and explained to him that at the time, they had not been a couple. Mike was skeptical.
“Dude, I swear. Eddie and I didn’t start being a thing until like, that night”, Steve said.
“Okay...”, Mike finally relented. He was sitting on Eddie’s couch while the older boys stood in front of him.
“So listen Mike”, Eddie started. “I probably don’t have to say this but it’s really important you keep this a secret.”
“What? Why? If anything, everyone should know. Half of us are wondering when you’re gonna get back with my sister and the other half are rooting for Robin. This is finally going to end the debate.”
“Mike, people can’t know about us”, Steve said.
He still looked confused and Eddie rubbed his face in his hands. “Us. As in two guys.”
“Oh. Oh! But you guys aren’t-I mean you aren’t like-You guys aren’t gay, you can’t be.”
They looked at him like he was an idiot but Mike was right. Gay people weren’t like Steve or Eddie they were...well, Mike never had to describe it but...bad. They were the people on the news, not people in his town. And certainly not people he knew.
“Mike Wheeler. Listen to me when I say this cause I’m only saying this once”, Eddie said. “I’m a queer. Have been, always will be. Steve is a pretty new development but if this is gonna be a problem for you-”
“It’s just-! A lot”, Mike said. “I never thought you....Either of you...” He looked down at his lap, suddenly contemplative. “It could be anyone, right?”
“Yes”, Steve said before smiling at Eddie. “But the people we trust can’t be just anyone.”
Mike rolled his eyes. “We’ve been keeping government secrets for years. I’m not about to blab about your love life.”
“Well apparently you have been!” Steve threw up his arms, still frustrated that people wanted him back with Nancy.
“Your secret’s safe with me”, Mike promised. “But can I ask one thing?”
Eddie was prepared for all sorts of salacious things to come out of Mike’s mouth about their sex lives but of course, the kid had to surprise him again.
“Why Steve?”
--------------------------------
True to his word, Mike kept the secret. He didn’t even act all that different around them, which was also great. What did shock them and the rest of the group was when he and El broke up.
“What are the odds”, Steve brought up one day while detangling Eddie’s hair. “That he tries to be gay because of you?”
“I think you’re overexaggerating Mike’s admiration of me.”
“Eddie, I’m starting to fear one day he’s gonna steal your skin.”
Mike had already been growing his hair out longer and longer. These days he was resembling Eddie more than Nancy or Holly.
“I think Mike might be as straight as they come, Steve.”
“Oh like you’re so good at telling.”
“I-!” Eddie paused. “....was blinded by denial. And you?”
Steve’s hands stopped moving and Eddie tilted his head back to look at him.
“I uh...yeah I didn’t really...think about it, I guess....”
“You didn’t think about it? About me being into dudes or not? And yet you were grinding in my lap in the back of my van?”
“I wasn’t grinding you!”, Steve blushed. Although it was certainly a moot point considering what they’d done since then. “I guess I just thought, I don’t know that even if you weren’t into guys, you’d be into me.
Eddie turned completely at that, the springs of his mattress squeaking with the movement. “Stevie, baby, sweetheart, darlin’.”
“Oh god.” Steve covered his face with his hands. Right now he was wishing it was as long as Eddie’s so he could hide in it.
“Did you think your hotness was so mighty that it could transcend sexuality~?”
“Dude, I know how it sounds but-!”
“God I gotta tell Rob. Wait ‘til she h-” Eddie stopped and began to sober up. Because he couldn’t tell Robin.
Steve uncovered his face. “Eddie...I gotta tell Robin about us. Is that okay?”
“I was gonna ask you the same thing. Is it okay with you?” From Eddie’s perspective, Steve had more to lose. He was already the town pariah.
“Robin is safe”, Steve said. “Remember when we were drugged up by the Russians? She confided in me that she’s a supporter.”
“Hell of a thing to confess.”
“Yeah, well we talked about stupid shit too.”
“So you’re telling Robin?”, Eddie brought it back to the subject.
Steve nodded. He couldn’t believe he’d gone this long without telling her. And she was sure to give him hell when she found out.
And as it turned out, Hell: Presented by Robin Buckley turned out to be a full blown rant about how Steve just completely bypassed his sexuality crisis and jumped right into dating his soulmate while she was still chronically single. Anytime Steve tried to pipe up for any sort of argument, she jabbed a finger in his face and he shut up right quick.
“I mean, I knew the odds of me kissing a girl before you again were slim to none, but I wasn’t betting on boy. Jesus, I always found a way out of it for plays but you just go and lay one on Eddie like it’s nothing!”
With a final breath, she flopped against Steve and laid her head on his lap, exhausted from speaking non-stop for half an hour. Eddie was sitting next to Steve on the couch in the Harrington home, but was quickly getting jealous of Robin’s position.
“So you guys are serious?”
Steve beamed at Eddie. “Like a concussion.”
“Well, confetti for you two”, Robin said, fluttering her hands between their faces to simulate confetti and to also be annoying.
After that, it was a slow trickle of people finding out. First Steve absolutely had to tell Dustin. “The kid’s like my brother. And we told Mike, the douchiest of the bunch. Dustin will light my ass on fire if I don’t tell him.”
Eddie had to tell Wayne. “He already knows about me and he definitely told me to lock you down somehow.”
“I gotta tell Lucas. He’s a Cubs fan and that makes us blood.”
“Jeff saw me through my crisis and he thinks I might be relapsing into pining for guys outta my league. I gotta let him know there’s nothing to worry about.”
“Erica’s the only one of the Russian task force who doesn’t know. And I think we can trust that girl with anything.”
“Argyle and I were smokin’ and shootin’ the shit and he’s got some hunches about Will and I think maybe we should talk to him?”
Call it trust or call it being so in love you couldn’t help talking about the other person. But eventually everyone of their friends knew.
“Alright”, Mike started as the group cleaned up their D&D things so that they could set the table. “Now that everyone knows, can we talk about how weird it is?”
“How weird what is?”, Lucas asked.
“Steve and Eddie.”
“What’s wrong with Steve and Eddie?”, Dustin and Erica said in unison.
“Not like that! Jesus!”
“There’s kinda no other way to take it, man”, Lucas said.
“Don’t mind him”, Steve said, entering the room. “I’m just not up to his impossibly high standards to be dating Eddie.” He rounded to table to where his boyfriend was sitting at the head and set an open beer next to him.
“Well Steve, you may have been the king, but I am still the master.”
Steve leaned in close and whispered something and it only took the slightest change in Eddie’s expression for the kids to start groaning.
“Steve should be dating someone like...like Chris Hinkman”, Mike said.
Steve stood up straight. “Hinkman? That suck up in your bio class? I don’t date minors.”
Eddie couldn’t help the smile at the fact that Steve knew exactly who they were talking about, despite it being a freshman who he couldn’t have possibly known. He was just that attentive. “No, you’re just into dirty old men.”
While eating dinner, Dustin, ever the shit-stirrer, couldn’t help stirring up shit.
“I’m kinda curious now. Who do you think knows more about Steve? Robin or Eddie?”
There was a jumbled chorus of ‘Robin’s and ‘Eddie’s and the two in question issued challenging looks to each other.
“I’d say we probably contain...different knowledge on Steve”, Eddie said diplomatically.
“Is that your way of saying sex?”, Dustin asked.
“There are children present!”, Robin gestured to Erica.
“Yeah and she’d like to keep her appetite.”
Steve waved his fork at Eddie and Robin. “These two are like my left hand and my right hand. I don’t think I could be without either of them.”
Dustin pouted. “And what am I? Chopped liver?”
“Liver’s pretty appropriate, actually.”
Dustin threw his hands up. “You know what, I’ll take it.”
The dinner continued as usual. But a seed had been planted. One that would take root and grow until the final game to end all games.
Deleted scene A/N: This is during the bedroom scene and is kind of a fluffier more humorous scene before I remembered I wanted it to turn to them telling Robin and being a lil more serious. But I couldn’t get this scene outta my mind so here ya go!
Eddie turned completely at that, the springs of his mattress squeaking with the movement. “Stevie, baby, sweetheart, darlin’.”
“Oh god.” Steve covered his face with his hands. Right now he was wishing it was as long as Eddie’s so he could hide in it.
“Did you think your hotness was so mighty that it could transcend sexuality~?”
“I told you I only flirted with people who are into me. I just....” Steve dropped his hands and smiled at him. “I just knew somehow.”
“Somehow?”, Eddie grinned.
Steve’s embarrassment turned to something else as he smirked.
“Yeah. Like how I know you like listening to music when plotting your nerdy campaigns.” Steve tucked some hair behind Eddie’s ear. “Or how you have a special spot you like being scratched”, he said while doling out attention to that special spot on Eddie’s scalp.
Playing it up, Eddie thumped his foot like a spoiled pet.
“I think I know a few special spots of yours too”, he said before pushing Steve down onto the bed.
Part 4 END
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@kill-me-in-my-dream
@onionanddeadgaywizards
@silversnaffles
@ineffablecolors
@urmomsbestie31
@shinekocreator
@thegingervulcan
@hotluncheddie
@spectrum-spectre @archerwithmanybows @henderdads @menamesniall @bornonthesavage @grtwdsmwhr @vi-the-best-you-can @kardinalkalamity @leather-and-freckles @resident-gay-bitch @goodolefashionedloverboi @snowstar2368 @alienace
#apo writes#fanfiction#stranger things#steddie#rest assure robin vs eddie is incoming#i could still use an explanation#on why some of these tags work and others dont tho
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Gareth Emerson Headcanons No One Asked For
So these are just my headcanons, that could totally be out of character, but idk. I wish we had more content with him
Also, some info isn't correct like their ages, but idc. I wrote this super late at night so it's probably unorganized and stuff, but I hope you enjoy
(i also update this whenever I think of something else abt him)
• His full name is Gareth Benjamin Emerson II bc I said so
• that's where Gareth The Great comes from
• he wants the distinction that he's the great one
• he's the middle child
• his sister, Carys is three years older than him and moved out to go to college
• his other sister, Gwyneth is 8
• his parents are bigshot lawyers in Indianapolis so most of the time it's only him and Gwyn at home
• idk I love the idea of older brother Gareth
• (Gareth puts Gwyn in after school programs, which is how he does Hellfire)
• He matches other people's energies. Like the energy someone gives him is the energy he throws back
• Ex: when Jason yelled at him and Gareth yelled back the exact same way
• The man is brutally honest
• Unnecessarily brutal tho
• He can and will insult someone by complete accident
• He's also super aggressive when he plays the drums
• Slamming on his kit and screaming to their newest song
• As one does
• He breaks his sticks ridiculously often
• (He likes to throw them around, especially at Eddie)
• Speaking of Eddie
• They met when they were decently young
• Around middle school
• Gareth was the kid who was effortlessly cool
• Eddie, on the other hand, was trying SO HARD to be cool
• He was going for the whole punk rock thing when he buzzed his head
• He made it his mission to befriend Gareth at any cost
• But Gareth HATED him
• Well, hatred is a strong word. He didn't care for Eddie like Eddie cared for him
• Gareth just wanted to be by his lonesome, as edgy middle schoolers do
• But Eddie is persistent and will not leave this boy alone
• It doesn't matter that Gareth is two years younger than him
• He wants Gareth to be his friend and that's final
• They eventually become friends when they realize they both like D&D
• When they get to highschool tho
• The dynamic flips
• Since Eddie's older, he has two years to become the Cool Kid that attracts the other freaks and weirdos
• Gareth was kinda scared they wouldn't be friends anymore
• But Eddie doesn't let go of Gareth
• They're besties
• Gareth was Eddie's first bandmate and the first member of Hellfire
• Gareths 'queer awakening' was Eddie but nothing ever happen other than a kiss or two when Eddie was high
• Gareth doesn't do drugs
• He drinks tho
• He has a very strange moral code that only he understands
• Also he was the first one to get a car out of all his friends
• He drives like a mad man
• Do not let this man behind the wheel
• Speed limits are merely a suggestion
• He also doesn't know what it means to gradually brake. He slams on those bitches
• (only when Gwyn's not in the car, he's not an irresponsible brother, thank you very much)
• He gets better eventually
• Eddie learns to drive so he can properly teach Gareth (who taught himself)
• He constantly taps the steering wheel
• Even if there's no music playing
• Gareth is loud and he is chaotic
• He probablys has some sort of undiagnosed adhd
• But y'know, it's the 80s. Mental illness doesn't exist or whatever
• Gareth is just trying to live his life's you know?
• Oh also, this boy has attitude for DAYS
• Like holy shit
• He can talk shit like no one else
• It's only when he's really mad tho
• He just runs his mouth and he doesn't know when to stop
• But the things he says are genuinely true and his insults hit home and it pisses the other person off
• As a result, Gareth is decently fast bc getting beat up isn't fun
• He's got into his share of fights tho
• But he usually avoids them
• He's more bark than bite. But his bark is totally worse
• He either had a septum or a nose ring
• He's the type to judge movies the entire time it's on
• He makes smartass comments under his breath
• Laughs at inappropriate times
• (Like when a character dies)
• He only drinks red drinks
• Or from red cans
• Dr pepper is his best friend
• He also loves cherry anything
• He'd be the red character
But now onto some dating hcs
• He likes to hold hands
• A LOT
• He's just a big fan of physical contact
• He also loves when his hair is played with
• His love language is gift giving
• Well moreso just giving in general
• His rings, clothes, etc
• He just gives them to his partner randomly
• ALSO ROCKS
• he collects rocks
• He's been doing it since he was a kid
• He probably has one of those jars that you put a rock in when ur happy
• He has a lot of rocks in his jar
• He's given all his friends a rock
• Eddie has several
• His partner also has many
• He would be so happy to find out you actually keep them
• Whenever you guys go on a date, he gives you a rock
• He also has a rock and he writes the date on it
• He starts a new jar just for the date-rocks
• Those are extra special, he finds the best rocks he can for you and him
• But moving on from rocks
• He invites you to his shows
• And band practice
• Eddie hates it bc he gets distracted
• But he gets so happy when he sees you watching him play
• He plays extra well
• Once he can take his eyes off you that is
• But let's rewind to the beginning of your relationship
• You meet him through Eddie
• After a few days of hanging out together he invited you to dinner
• (You order takeout and go back to his place)
• It's nice, it's just the two of you in his bedroom, the dim tv illuminating it
• He confesses to you right when you take a drink of whatever it is you're drinking
• You choke
• And Gareth ofc laughs bc that's who he is
• But you say you like him back and viola
• You're dating
• He's fond of drive-in movie dates
• Even though it's like an hour drive to the next city where the theater is
• He's a movie geek
• It's definitely his sister's fault
• Both of them
• You think it's adorable tho
• HE TALKS THROUGH MOVIES
• THE WHOLE TIME
• HE MAKES SMARTASS COMMENTS UNDER HIS BREATH
• And you're sitting next to him just cracking up at his commentary
• Bc really, it's entertaining
• He calls you all kinds of different nicknames
• He's looking for one to stick
• So he just had a continual rotating arsenal of nicknames that he likes to use
• Your nicknames for him usually revolve around drumming
• He's not amused
• You are tho, teasing him is your favorite pastime
• And he just stares at you with his flat, deadpan look
• His arms crossed and everything
• He teases you back ofc, but sometimes you can't tell when he's joking bc of his tone
• But that's what makes it fun
#ransomswriting#headcanons#stranger things#stranger things season 4#stranger things headcanon#gareth stranger things#gareth emerson#gareth x reader#gareth emerson x reader#x reader#eddie munson#reader insert#reader#ransomsheadcanons
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My other thought for the night is that. I miss oc x canon fics.
Like, I know there's still some people writing them, but mostly they're either gone or filtered through so many layers of irony or scrubbing clean that they don't actually land.
I personally have no interest in reading canon x canon or cannon x reader, and it's really sad to me how much oc x canon has declined in popularity since I was a kid. I remember reading all those stories about the main character's long lost twin sister from [random other country] who was super cool and powerful and special and different (like the main character often was in the source material) and some random side character who the fandom fell in love with would fall in love with her, and I loved them so much!!
But now even when you search specifically for fics with original characters, they're never the main character and they're never given the attention and love they deserve. And a large part of that was because of the bullying and whatnot around "Mary-Sue"s and oc x canon and just... idk fandom being shitty and obsessed with the idea of "good" vs "bad" stories rather than acknowledging personal tastes and the fact that fanfic is supposed to fill a different creative niche than professionally published works.
Idk I just miss reading those fics because they're the only kind of fic I'm actually interested in. And I remember not long before that change really came about, a lot more oc x canon fics involved trans/nonbinary/otherwise queer ocs, polyamoury, and more representation in general that clearly came from authors writing about their own experiences! We were so close to having a great thing! And then it just dropped off pretty much. No more unironic, unapologetic, self-indulgent oc x canon fic. So I stopped reading fic for a long time, and even now I don't read much of it tbh.
And it's not that people aren't interested in writing it!! I talk to people all the time who want to write oc x canon but are scared no one wants to read it. And it makes me so sad cause it's the only thing I want to read!!!! I don't give a shit about canon x canon, and I don't really care for reader x canon because it makes assumptions about the reader that frequently aren't accurate to me.
I'm definitely gonna try to move more towards writing oc x canon (and oc x oc, and even oc x reader) fic more because it's what I want to see. I want none of the irony or pushing ocs into side roles only. I want self indulgence and "overpowered" (read: main characters) ocs and oc x canon romance! I want ocs that are hyperspecific to the author, who live out the life the author wishes they could if they were in that world. I wanna read something and know the author had a blast writing it! I wanna get deeply invested in shipping someone else's oc with canon characters! I want it so bad, please give it back to me, please...
#sunshine#18+ only#okay maybe yes I'm going a little crazy about this. but can you blame me?????#they took her (main character's cool twin sister who all the guys are in love with) away from me!!!!!!#give her back!!!!!!!#anyway this is why I'm so in love with Teeks#thank you for giving us Hunter and Hunteralan to be obsessed over we needed it so bad!!!!!!!!
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how do you as a bisexual come to terms with the fact that the trans community has literally made homophobia much worse. ppl are proudly being openly homophobic and when you dig deeper it’s actually the “queers” and transgenders who think kids can transition who they have a problem with (not all of course but a good chunk) I believe ppl who wouldn’t otherwise be homophobic are being homophobic bc of the trans community. I use to really struggle w internalized homophobia, and still do, it was only this past year where I came to terms w it and told my sister/close friends. I wish it could be just a normal thing to be gay and you’d be left alone, I believe we were on a trajectory for that. But now things have gotten worse, and thanks to the gender nonsense, openly bigoted ppl (especially religious) are being praised and promoted. All this bc of trans activism. I don’t even care anymore about what they do to themselves, but the damage they’ve done to actual gay ppl is insane and we’re already facing the backlash. I’m not sure if we’ll ever live in a world where being lgb isn’t a big deal.
Honestly? I think the benefit of pushing 40 is that I have a wider lens through which to view activism. And I feel the same way about LGB rights as I do about women’s rights.
Which is to say, every time a big gain is won, there is backlash. There are parts of society that get worse as the culture tries desperately to adjust around the new changes.
Men today are more porn sick and sexually aggressive than 20 years ago. In some ways. People are polling less positively about the LGTBQI+ but how much of that backlash is really directed at the LGB? Are polling groups even bothering to distinguish between LGB and “queer” people?
Let me tell you what life was like as a bisexual teen in 2003. Let’s go back 20 years and I can tell you the world has changed so much for the better. 20 years ago gay rights activists started really making headway towards civil rights guarantees. Suddenly middle Americans had to confront that gay people were among them and not just haunting bars and bathhouses. I don’t think I’ve ever seen such rigid gender norm adherence as I did back then. Men couldn’t wear pastels or purple or pink. Guys got called gay for having a messenger bag. There is an entire episode of “Friends” about it. Sussing out the Gays Among Us became obsessive. Emo culture was a direct response to how frantic straight people were to appear duly heterosexual. TV shows still depicted us as degenerate freaks if they depicted us at all. A few HBO shows that were soft core porn more than anything and Will and Grace was all anybody had. Shows like Xena and Buffy got away with lesbians because men said out loud that hot women kissing was fine. These were the early days of straight men having open lesbian fetishizes. We couldn’t get married. We could get fired for being gay.
For women there was no movement to normalize our natural bodies. I’d spend hours shaving myself smooth. Not wearing makeup was unheard of. Cellulite wasn’t even a word I knew let alone knew was normal. There weren’t a million online resources teaching women that vaginal discharge is normal and I grew up thinking (as did many others) that it was a private shame.
And as far as MeToo stuff? It’s easy to feel defeated in the moment but nobody was using the word ‘consent’ in my day. Men getting women drunk was a joke. Men pushing for sex was a joke. Men calling a woman that had one too many dates or boyfriends a slut was normal. Three of my male friends pinned me down on several occasions and took turns rubbing their dicks on me to completion.
The therapist I told said I “needed to work on my boundaries”. The word rape never even entered my mind. Rape was something a stranger with a knife did. It wasn’t something your best friends did to you and then laughed about. It isn’t something you submitted to because fawn and freeze are real fear responses. No one told me my friend forcing my hand down his pants was abuse because I continued to go over his house, didn’t I? No one told me about red flags or cycles of abuse.
And the older women you told rolled their eyes. What I endured was so mild compared to many other women. Men forcing themselves onto women was just normal.
I can’t tell you what it means to me to see so many young women calling it out. Refusing to stay in a bad situation. Refusing to date entirely sometimes. Women sharing red flags and advice to stay not just safe but thriving.
Don’t get me wrong- the current gender movement is regressive and dangerous. I’m not saying it’ll all work itself out. Activism is constant work but things ARE getting better. They really are, even if sometimes it doesn’t feel like it. 💜
#radical feminism#radical feminist safe#radical feminist community#radical feminists do interact#radical feminists do touch#radblr#radical feminists please interact#radical feminists please touch
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i’m sorry - joseph quinn (SPOILER ALERT!)
author’s note: if you haven’t seen stranger things’s season 4 vol 2 yet, please don’t read it as it contains spoiler alert. just wanted to write a little fluff to ease my mind.
pairing: joseph quinn x gn!reader (all my stories are plus-size inclusive which i have forgotten to tell)
warnings: SPOILER ALERT!!!! crying, angst, fluff, strong language
summary: you couldn’t hold back your pain with your comfort character on stranger things dying and joseph took his time off to cancel interviews to come home
you were absolutely devestated. it also sucked because joe was away and you had no clue when he would be back. you only wished to have his presence next to him and cuddle with him. joseph knew that eddie munson was your comfort character and it would be break his heart to see you in a condition like you were right now - heartbroken, sobbing and with burning buffed up eyes.
a pile of scrunched tissues were thrown on the floor as you could not stop crying. you texted joe about your sadness and pain.
“why would they do that?”, “who gave the fucking right to write such a shit ending for eddie?”, “who the fuck do i have to talk with?” - all of these messages left on delivered because joseph was probably in a meeting or giving an interview.
you knew that at some point you were obligated to shut up and just go with your life because it was just a character. but some things did not sit with you right well. you moved yourself to stand up from the sofa and made your way to the kitchen to get some cold water. as you were gulping down the chilled liquid, the front door clicked and was locked. you put your glass and shifted your body to the hall to see joe putting away his coat. he gave you his concerned, worried look and stepped in front of you to give you a little kiss on the head. joe’s arms wrapped around your body and he said softly:
“oh dear, darling! i know you said you didn’t want spoiler alerts but this is something else,” he felt bad because he knew that he played eddie’s character and joe knew that he was your favourite one.
“let me settle you down and hold you tight,” joe whispered, kissing your forehead and taking you to the living room. you both laid down on the sofa, you placing your head on his lap, him delicately stroking your head and hair.
you were finally able to take the strength and tell him:
“it sounds so fucking silly, honestly, and i am so sorry but i just wish they would have given eddie a longer storyline. he is loved by millions of people! he’s also a comfort character to them as well, lot of nerds, queers, metalheads, neurodivergent and other people found him so comfortable and different.”
joe admired your passion for his character and acting, knowing that he is doing something right. he leaned down to give a kiss on your lips.
“that’s very understandable, my love! i was just telling in this interview that–”
“you broke off your interview to come here?”
joe chuckled, you moving your head on his shoulder:
“y/n, i knew something was not right when you sent me these messages and i wanted to go home to comfort you. it’s alright, my agent has given heads up to other interviewers that they might have to take day off today.”
you couldn’t really believe your eyes in front of the man who you loved dearly so much. joe took all of his day to come home and be there with you. he knew how to make you feel better and brighten up the mood.
“listen i’m going to make some tea for us and i will be right back at with you, alright?”
you nodded and gave him a kiss this time on his lips. the feeling of wanting to cry more had gone away which was a very good sign because you were finally able to concentrate on other things and throw away the nasty tissues on the floor. joe smiled at you and mouthed “i love you”.
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Pinned
Based on the website mentioned because I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since I found it. Thanks to @r33sespieces for reading over it for me.
Sirius found the website on a Tuesday afternoon.
He eyed it suspiciously at first. Kids nowadays were terrible about putting everything about their lives online. He could remember the days of the early internet, with a/s/l and the expectation that it was entirely a lie. No one knew who you were on the internet.
So, if this was just one more way for the stupid kids to put their personal information on the internet, then he wanted no part in it.
He clicked anyway.
Sirius found himself flooded with messages. Queer people from all over the world filling the map with queer love and queer experiences. He couldn’t stop clicking on messages.
where you first told me you loved me. we aren’t together anymore but you were one of the greatest loves of my life.
My first kiss with my best friend. We did it for a scavenger hunt photo. We both love each other. But when it comes to being in love, she fell for me too soon and I fell for her too late.
We kissed secretly between the isles of this walmart.
First time I said I was gay out loud.
Learned that I’m asexual, not broken <3
Surrounded by happy out gay people for the first time, I finally felt like it was okay.
I survived this town, and I will survive the rest.
I exist.
Sirius couldn’t stop reading the messages. Tears were streaming down his face. Nothing in his life ever made him feel more valid and more seen than looking at all the pins. He wasn’t alone. He was never alone.
Sirius wanted to leave his mark too.
He considered several options. His parents house, with a celebratory “I survived” message. Or Hogwarts Academy, where he’d first kissed a boy and realized that he wanted to kiss more boys. Or the pub down the road from the Potters’ house, where he’d first told James that he was gay the summer after he left home.
None of them felt as right as Remus.
He hadn’t seen Remus in years, but he still thought about him every day. He fell in love with Remus when they were both still kids–somewhere around age thirteen when Remus punched his distant cousin when he called Sirius the family disappointment. He’d pined for Remus for years before they finally found each other, and dated for a while before they’d managed to fuck it up.
There were a dozen places he could have pinned for Remus, each of them significant in their own way.
Sirius didn’t have to think about it at all. He scrolled through the countryside until he found the tiny, sparsely populated area in Wales where Remus’s family lived. It was here, under the old oak tree in their backyard when Sirius came to visit in after their fifth year, that SIrius had finally confessed his feelings for Remus and they shared the most idyllic first kiss.
Only, there was already a pin there.
We kissed here for the first time, and I realized I’d never want anyone as much as I wanted you. I wish I’d never let you go. I wish we’d tried harder. I wish we could have another chance.
Sirius forgot how to breathe. Remus missed him too. Remus thought of him too.
Sirius had no choice. He had to find Remus. Maybe they could have a second chance after all.
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I wish nothing but good things for Oliver Stark and Lou Ferrigno Jr.
They gave us such an authentic, gentle, tender experience. I've watched the clip of that kiss several dozen times now.
Oliver, especially, has been amazing in his interviews and social media posts, empathetic and honest and sweet. I don't know his sexuality and I don't speculate in real people's sexualities, but regardless he seems like a true ally. He seems to Get It.
As someone who came out later in life** it really touches my heart what they're doing.
9-1-1 has always seemed to try to do good by their queer characters and I really appreciate that.
Hen and Karen have always been a fantastic and very real feeling example of a wlw relationship.
This show is doing amazing. I wish nothing but good and happy things for the cast and crew who make this happen.
**Under the cut is my coming out/self acceptance story if you're interested.
Tw: repression, self harm, drug use, shitty relationships both familial and romantic.
I tried to come out as a teenager in the early 2000s after I kissed a girl for the first time. It did not go well.
My mother was a complicated woman and she loved me very much, but when I told her I was bi (I prefer pan now but at the time I didn't have that word) she told me it was a phase and that she was disappointed, that she would always love me but that it was wrong in the eyes of God and she couldn't accept it.
Disappointing my mother was worse than her being angry. It felt like my heart was carved out of my chest. I feel like if she had been angry or openly cruel I could have fought back, but her sadness destroyed me. I was 16 then and I continued to live at home until I was 24. I'm in my mid/late 30s now.
So I repressed that part of myself for well over a decade and spent a lot of time depressed and miserable. I self harmed and did A LOT of drugs. I'm clean now except for super occasional weed use. I have a lot of scars from self harm.
My mom died several years ago and it wasn't until after her death that I allowed myself to even think about it, any of it. I was in a relationship with a man for eight years that was loving but he was an alcoholic and I had to walk on eggshells around him because of his mental health struggles; he was emotionally abusive but in a way that was only apparent in hindsight. I thought that my relationship with him was as good as I was going to get. We broke up not long after my mom died.
The only family member I am out to is my older sister, who has been amazing and accepting and loves me completely. Without her support I would be lost.
I have now dated/hooked up with women, men, nb and trans people. I have explored my own gender identity (it's whatever, I don't feel like a woman despite having the female equipment and appearing female in body, I feel pretty masculine but not like a man either, and I don't have strong opinions on pronouns, but I feel like I fail at femininity and masculinity in equal measure so I call myself genderqueer. I don't have any desire to take hormones or have any surgeries, I just want to be a person without having to perform gender).
I live in a conservative small city in the US south and I feel disconnected from the wider queer community. I don't know how to bridge that gap. There is a small queer community here but you can't really be openly out and be safe.
I'll be going to my first pride event this June. I'm excited and terrified because I don't feel like I'm queer enough or The Right Kind of queer, which is such a stupid stress to have, but I don't have many friends to talk about this with and I am hoping to get out there and make some but I'm nervous. I'm socially awkward and kinda weird. I'm also single and trying to mingle, lol.
I like who I am now but it was an incredibly difficult road to get to this place. I'm still on that journey, and maybe I always will be but that's ok. I'm finally myself.
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Using the relatively safe space of Tumblr to write about TMI personal stuff...
I've been thinking about it a lot, and, like, I'm probably a 97% cis woman. And that last 3% is just wishing I had a cock. Or maybe I'm 100% cis but just would be a bit happier if I could swap my bits out?
I remember being like 16 and trying to figure out if I was secretly a boy because I liked girls and wanted to have a penis. And came to the (so far correct) conclusion that, no, I like being a woman. I am just also very queer. But that desire to have a dick never really left.
I kinda wish there weren't generally-permanent vocal side effects with T, because I'd strongly consider going on it for a bit just for bottom growth. But I'm a singer, so not an option for me.
(Also, I know that gender-affirming care can be unconscionably hard to get even when it is literally life saving for folks, as opposed to my "I'd be 10-15% happier in my sexuality if I had something closer to a penis than I do now." But, you know, if we lived in a society that wasn't so stingy about letting people upgrade their bodies to fit their needs...)
I've thought about a packer from time to time, and I think I'm just not brave enough to try it? I also think I might like it too much somehow? Which I know is not a thing. But still... It's probably something I could try out in some different ways at least in kink spaces.
Anyway, no real point to this. Just over sharing to the queers in my phone in hopes of it not just spinning around in my head.
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