everyone says im fucking annoying. maybe i am.

3/14/23

i tried being nice and being considerate. i dont want much i just wan someone to care and acknowledge me. im tired of being the stupid one, the one who has to consider ive tried so god damn hard to make it easy for you people but every thinf i do seems to annoy you i feel like every time i try to talk to you you start getting annoyed and maybe youre right and im spoiled and im a brat i wont do that anymore, i’ll try my god damn hardest to not leave a trace in this house . since being in your presence seems too much for you i try not asking for anything anymore. i’ll stop complaining i’ll keep everything to myself. you want that right? i wont be a bother anymore. iltt stop trying to care for you or beg for your praise and affection. i can look for it by myself.  why is making a suggestion about my birthday such a big deal for you i can do whatever i want on “MY” birthday why does me talking about it piss you off. fine i wont celebrate my goddamn rbirth and iwont celebrate it again. i wont care anymore about whattever. ill be out of your way. im sorry im even alive and pullking you dfown and im such a waste of space and im an obese trash elepphant ‘who cant stop eating and whos spoiled and a bitch with no manners and cant do anything right i cant do anything at all and i should never have fucking existed i keep wishing that i nevere existed. every second of every day i wish you to be happy and to just let me not exist anymore.

i cant keep wishing because nothing ever fucking happens i wish i just died when i could, every near death experience i hope it killed me and i hope i never s here. i hate being in a place where everyone and everything i do is considered wrong and im always wrong and always bad and always a bitch whos spoiled and a child. i want to die. and its  not a joke anymore. i just want someone to love me and understand that i make shit thats not good and that i dont always say the right things and that im always trying my best to be considerate. but being considerate is not enough for everyone. im already ugly and im already fat and stupid if i just died everyone would forget about me in a week and in a yer everything will be better for everyone becuase i am just a dumb rock thats a burden to them and if i go then my sister will have her oen room and all my parents love and they can finally give her the care she deserves. if i go D could finally be happy with her new friends and let go of our group to be herself. F and H will be fine . E and H and A will be too. im not a big part of their lives, C and A will have forgotten me by now. and my parents have one less problem now, they can focus on my sister, and after she moves out theyll be free from the horrible kid they have. ill be free from putting myself esteem as high as how others apreciate me. because everything i am is what evereybody else thinks of me. and im nothing no one will remember me in a year . i die now. i wish i died now i wish i just fell asleep and died. im so sorry to the people whos lives i disturbed i hope you guys will ignore all my shit and all the crap i put you through it must have been so so annoying. i wish i died back then. and i wish i die here and maybe i can gain enough courage this year. who knows i sure hope i do. i dont think i can handle life. to the new friends i made im sorry you had to put up with me . im really sorry mom and dad im sorry your second kid is a piece of shit who cant do anything and always humiliates you and annoys you .. i wish i wasnt here too and i wish i was dead so long ago. i hope truly one day i can finally go through with something and maybe thats the only thing i can get right..

For you Billy. You're changing me for the better

Sometimes, in my most insecure state, I think about the little dumb things like Well he doesn't compliment my apperance a lot. Even when I make the extra effort. He won't take pictures with me. He doesn't write me sweet messages all the time. He hardly tells me how he feels about me. I get upset almost. Thinking he SHOULD be doing these things. But really why should he have to? Because social media has brainwashed me to think if my lover does not do these things then he does not care. But honestly that's a crap and so I have to tell myself no fuck that because at one point I did have someone who did all those thinfs. All the superficial crap that a boyfriend should do. And you know what that got me? 2years of a verbally abusive relationship, but I wasn't aware that it was absuse because on the other hand he did all the typical nice things too. But now I've found someone who does not do those little stupid things instead he He compliments my brains always telling me how smart I am and much I think differently and how wonderful that is. My looks come only as a bonus for him. Instead of always taking pictures he makes sure I stop and live in the moment and enjoy everything around me Who needs sweet fake messages when he gives me peace of mind. I know he cares by the way he treats me not the words he writes He doesn't have to tell me all the time how he feels because I already know. He isn't good with talking but damn it he knows how to show it. So maybe he doesn't do all the typical things a boyfriend should do. And I'm embarrassed it took me this long to realize I don't need the typical stuff. I need exactly what he gives to me.