i probably have a whole other essay in me about wanting to be liked or to be useful to someone and how for me thats intimately tied with the will to live. because the only reason i was able to convince myself to not kill myself was because the skills i was born with might be useful to society and making othwrs happy. like i genuinely do not understand how people live in their own interests and im not attaching judgement to that, i just dont get it. i traded my humanity for life and it works until it doesnt